Destination wedding etiquette help

[Kayakqueen83]

Hello Ladies! We officially set a date last weekend and we have decided to have the wedding as a semi-destination wedding in St. Augustine, Florida! Because all of our friends and family are spread out over the state/country and would have to travel to the wedding anyway we decided to move the location about 3 hours from my home town to a beautiful and fun area.

My question is how many of you destination wedding brides paid for your wedding party''s rooms and how did you do it? I just read that this was proper etiquette if you are having a destination wedding, and I wasn''t aware that this was the case! (oops!) Of course I don''t mind paying for their rooms if that is what needs to be done but I will have to budget accordingly. What you you all think of this rule? If we were to have the wedding where we live everyone would have to fly in as well... would this still apply?

So if we are going to do this I''ll have to figure out a way to do it. The majority of the bridesmaids/groomsmen are in serious relationships/married and will have a plus one invited to the wedding. Do I pay for a room for them and their plus one individually? So 7/8 rooms total?

Obviously, I am a little confused! Any help you could give me on this would be appreciated! I don''t want it to seem like I don''t want to help my bridesmaids out, but that is a lot of money! Any help from those who have been there would be appreciated. Also if you were a bridesmaid for this kind of wedding would you expect your room to be paid for by the bride and groom?

Thanks for your help and thoughts everyone! Luckily the wedding is over a year away so I have time to save, if need be!

 

[Izzy03]

Hi Kayak! I am also getting married in St Augustine, and will live there as of March (wedding is this April). You may want to look into renting a few condos or even a beach house. It wouldn''t be a bad idea to check out prices of private rentals. My FI is a realtor so if you have any questions I can throw them his way. We got a discount blocking off some rooms at a hotel for out of towners (they will be paying for their own room) and the cost was still $150 a night. A few bed and breakfasts also said they would discount us if we rented all the rooms.

Not sure what the exact etiquitte is but I thought that in a destination wedding the bridal party generally paid for themselves, its just nice to cover their expenses.

 

[geckodani]

We got married in Maui, and didn't pay for the accomodations. We DID chip in to help the best man with the flight costs though, because they were crazy expensive.

We did an insanely small wedding though, with just my sister as MOH and DH's best friend as the best man. I also only invited family for the most part. I was honestly only expecting 5-10 people to make the trip, but I ended up with 30, LOL! The one thing I made sure to do was to let people know that they were not required or expected to attend - I didn't want anyone to feel bad about not being there because of the price.

If you do decide to pay for accomodations, I'd look into condos and beach houses as well. I found that most people wanted to choose their hotel though.

My sister was married on St.John, and she shared a room with her MOH and paid to fly her out as well. I was the other bridesmaid, but I stayed with my Mom so it wasn't really an issue, LOL!

ETA: My relatives would have had to fly in as well regardless of where we were wed - and no, I would not have paid for accomodations had they flown to MI instead of Maui!

 

[AlliMay]

Hi Kayakqueen! I am having a destination wedding in Mexico this summer and we are not paying for any of the rooms / flights for our guests. I had not heard of the rule that you must pay for rooms until very recently, and frankly I don''t agree with it. While we are very thankful that many of our friends and family are willing to make the trip (and incur the cost) to attend our wedding, we were very clear that NO ONE was obligated to come. Even to our parents, we were sure to be clear that we would understand if they could not / did not want to make the trip.

I think that as long as you understand that some people may not be able to come (and you are OK with that), it is fine to not foot the bill for rooms. I agree 100% with what geckdani did for her Maui wedding, because if any of our very close friends or immediate family really wanted to attend but needed a little help with expenses, we would certainly be willing to help. I do not think it is necessary to just cover the cost of the rooms for everyone, tho.

Hope this helps...

 

[elrohwen]

I''ve heard of this and don''t agree with the rule, especially in your case. It would be one thing if all of your friends and family lived where you are, but you wanted them to fly out to Hawaii or something. The fact that they''re all going to travel no matter where you have it makes it silly that you would have to pay for them if you have it anywhere other than the town you''re living in. It would be nice to help out if they have financial difficulties (like my FSIL is still in college, so obviously we''ve got to help her out because she has almost no income) but I certainly don''t think you have to.

 

[taovandel]

My family is paying for the rooms---to help make sure that everyone we want to be there will be there. But I know normally, the guests would pay for everything.

Also another reason we decided to pay is because we actually changed our wedding plans from a 120 person local wedding to just 16 people in Jamaica.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We are paying for both of our immediate families to come to our destination wedding (both sets of parents, brothers, sisters and FIs kids). My two sisters and his sister are my BMs, and my three brothers and his two brothers are GMs. So that worked out for us.

However, like I said above, we are paying for our fams, but their guests are their expense. For example, we are paying for FIs sister to come, but she and her husband are paying for the husband and their daughter (who will get a very reduced child rate); and we are paying for my brother to come, but he is splitting the cost of his GFs travel with her so that she can come as well.

We are also paying for their attire and FI is taking all the guys (including the Dads) golfing the morning of the wedding and I am taking all the girls (including the Moms) to the spa the morning of the wedding.

 

[katamari]

Do all of your BMs live around 3 hours away? Are you paying for their dresses or hair or other expenses? If they don''t have to buy expensive dresses or flights, I think it is reasonable that they pay for their own rooms (especially if they will be staying with non-BP members). But, I also think you should think of the expenses you are asking they incur to be a part of your wedding, and make sure it is reasonable.

 

[Deelight]

We might be having our wedding 2hrs away that said for hotel rooms we plan on paying for immediate family, bridal party (most of the bridal party is immediate family) and my family that is coming in from OS. It would be nice to pay for them especially if they are paying for their own attire and everything.

 

[Kayakqueen83]

Thanks for all of your help ladies! Let''s see if more information could help, We will have 4 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen. 2 bridesmaids are from in state and will drive and 3 groomsmen are from in state and will drive. We live in a town on the west coast that none of our friends live in so they would have to travel to go to our wedding here anyway...but that wouldn''t be considered destination, I guess? We are actually moving our wedding to St. Augustine partially for the reason that it is closer to everyone and will make the trip easier for them.

We have 2 bridesmaids coming in from out of state (New York and DC) and one groomsmen that will be flying in all the way from Japan (we have let him know that if he feels like he can''t make it we will completely understand)

I will probably get have inexpensive dress for them (about $150). Hair and make-up will not be needed if they want to do their own. And I''ll have them pick out their own shoes (or use ones that they already have). I''ll pay for the accessories.

So. Should I help pay for their dresses/tuxes and leave the rooming up to them so that they can stay with whoever they like? Or should I pay for the room? Or should I leave it all up to them and get them a nice gift for a thank you? (Maybe I could talk to the people who might need help and are traveling a long distance and offer help with the travel if they need it?)I of course, don''t want them to struggle too much but I also know that wherever we get married they will have to travel and I plan to let them know that if they can''t make it I will completely understand.

Ah, so confusing! haha. Thanks for all your help/input ladies! It''s a huge help! I just don''t want to put too much on them, but also, I don''t have that much money in my budget! I''m sure I''ll figure something out. Thanks again and keep the opinions coming!

 

[dcgator]

Date: 1/22/2009 8:32:46 AM
Author: Kayakqueen83
Thanks for all of your help ladies! Let''s see if more information could help, We will have 4 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen. 2 bridesmaids are from in state and will drive and 3 groomsmen are from in state and will drive. We live in a town on the west coast that none of our friends live in so they would have to travel to go to our wedding here anyway...but that wouldn''t be considered destination, I guess? We are actually moving our wedding to St. Augustine partially for the reason that it is closer to everyone and will make the trip easier for them.

We have 2 bridesmaids coming in from out of state (New York and DC) and one groomsmen that will be flying in all the way from Japan (we have let him know that if he feels like he can''t make it we will completely understand)

I will probably get have inexpensive dress for them (about $150). Hair and make-up will not be needed if they want to do their own. And I''ll have them pick out their own shoes (or use ones that they already have). I''ll pay for the accessories.

So. Should I help pay for their dresses/tuxes and leave the rooming up to them so that they can stay with whoever they like? Or should I pay for the room? Or should I leave it all up to them and get them a nice gift for a thank you? (Maybe I could talk to the people who might need help and are traveling a long distance and offer help with the travel if they need it?)I of course, don''t want them to struggle too much but I also know that wherever we get married they will have to travel and I plan to let them know that if they can''t make it I will completely understand.

Ah, so confusing! haha. Thanks for all your help/input ladies! It''s a huge help! I just don''t want to put too much on them, but also, I don''t have that much money in my budget! I''m sure I''ll figure something out. Thanks again and keep the opinions coming!

Hey Kayakqueen,

I too am having a destination wedding in Florida, though I live in DC. We are not paying for the bridesmaids or groomsmens rooms, but I may pay for either make-up, hair and/or nails for the girls. I also intend on getting them really nice gifts, like ipod shuffles, make-up, bags, and whatever else cool stuff I can come up with.

IMO, I have never heard of the bride paying for her bridesmaid''s expenses, though maybe its just a regional thing. However, in the case of one of my bridesmaids, I already know that she is spending $$ for two other weddings around that time and that she will be cash strapped, so I am going to use some of my miles to buy her flight. Aside from that, I am really trying not to make the girls buy expensive dresses. ** Important, don''t buy the bridesmaid dresses at the stores, shoot for online shops, like Pearl''s, and you can say your ladies BIG $$. The dress I found for them was over $150 in the store, and a lot less than that online. So, do shop around.

Please let me know if you need any other advice, etc!

 

[JerseyGrl81]

I am having a destination wedding, too! We are taking a cruise to and getting married in Bermuda. Although I have read that it is proper etiquette to pay for the BP room costs, we aren''t going to. It would cost us well over $10,000 to do so!

I am though paying for every other expense of theirs that has to do with being in the wedding. Dress, hair, makeup... I also didnt ask anyone to be in my bridal party until I knew that they would be coming on the cruise with us, because I didnt want anyone to feel obligated.