Depression-How do you handle it?

[brilliance4me]

I am posting this because you ladies are so much more the diamond connoisseurs!
You deal with life and living. You have trials and tribulations. You are supportive to one another during times of jubilee and triumph and sickness and sadness.

I don''t usually express myself. I don''t know why I have the sudden urge to share. I just do.

My story begins at the age of nine. While I was holding my mothers hand walking to the grocery store...she caught a stray bullet in the temple of her head and blood ran through her nose like a running faucet. This picture is drilled in my head like it was just yesterday. It will never go away. She died instantly.

At eleven my dad remarried and said to me ''This is your NEW mother''. My mother''s name could not be uttered, spoken of, or mentioned. It was like she never existed in his house.

At sixteen i had enough of the emotional and physical abuse my father and stepmother dished out. I moved in with my grandmother.

At eighteen my father died of skin cancer.

I have a younger brother and sister. Just 1 month ago my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is 32. I dont know what stage she is at because she is still having different test run to figure this out.

I am married to a wonderful, loving, unselfish husband of 18years and have a wonderful, bright, loving son.

So why do I struggle everyday, I mean stuggle to keep my head up? Why do I feel I have had enough of life and living? Why do i feel like the pain is just to unbearable? Why do I feel TIRED of being the STRONG one as my family puts it.

I have been diagnosed with ''post traumatic stress syndrome''. So what. So now I should be ok because Im diagnosed?

I am thirty-six. I want my mother. I want a relationship with her. I don''t have anyone to norture me, give me support, give me advise. I don''t have a mothers love and don''t know how it would feel.

Why does this bother me so much. Some days are better than others.

This is my story. I think I have to handle my Depression with anti-depressants. Somedays are better than others.

 

[kenny]

I believe humans are like computers.
They both get wired, set up and programed.
How well they function later depends on how they were wired, and what was happening when they were being wired.

I had childhood from Hell that I'll go into some other time.

I spend three years in psychoanalysis around 10 years ago
It helped tremendously, and was right for me.
Finding a good therapist is key.
I felt I found one I could have a relationship with and what happens happens within that relationship.
I believe good psychotherapy or psychoanalysis is like rewiring the person.

I'm not saying my path is your path but perhaps something I've said will resonate for you.

You have work to do on yourself; keep at it.

 

[scarleta]

brilliance4me:
I normally would not recommend anything to take ,but since you seemed to have exhausted many options, you may want to get a product called " Relax-ease"Look it up on www.
It''s a natural product, has great reviews and may help you out.
You may want to give it a try and follow the exact recommendation , also ask your physician about it since its important you don''t mix this with any other drugs you may be taking at present time.
Another option would be to learn to meditate.
I wish you lots of good health and happiness.

 

[Gailey]

Brilliace, you have lived through some un-believable trauma, I can see why life feels like such a struggle for you sometimes. I imagine you must feel like you are trying to walk uphill through a vat of treacle.

Kenny has suggested how important it is to find a good therapist. I would also urge you to talk to your GP and see if it is appropriate for you to take a course of anti-depressants. I think therapy may stand a much better chance of working for you if your neuro transmitters are firing on all cylinders. If your mood is elevated, you will be more receptive to therapy. It''s my experience that getting the right type of pill or combination of pills and the dosage takes a bit of time to refine, so time is of the essence.

You lost your mum in an instant as I did mine. It''s hard and by the sound of it you have never been allowed to work through your grief. And grief is a strange bedfellow. It will lie quietly, next to you night after night and then one day, maybe for no apparent reason, it will sit up and say "deal with me". The thought of your sister''s illness is very frightening for you, no wonder you want your Mum, I think what you are feeling may be more normal than you think it is in light of the circumstances.

Your sister is going to need you to be strong for her and right now you sound completely overwhelmed. Before you can help her, you need to help you.

You took a step by making a post here and now you need to explore all the avenues of help closer to home. But I am sure there will always be someone here who will listen and empathise with you.

Good luck.

 

[monarch64]

B4me: yes, you have been through some difficult times. I''m very, very sorry for your losses. I think many of us here on PS can somehow relate to your circumstances in some way.

I, for instance, have many skeletons in the ol'' family closet. They give great pain to my secondary as well as immediate family , so much so that my family tree will never quite be fleshed out. I never know WHAT to call myself when the old census comes around and that statement is a somewhat emotional one for me because I don''t care so much about my own knowledge but would like my future children to know who their ancestors were.

Your trauma over the deaths in your family is of course so sad. I don''t envy you having to deal with all of that. Not having buried or said goodbye to too many of my family members, I really cannot relate but I wish you peace.

I''m 32, soon to turn 33. I have both my parents still living. However, they are not happy and they pretty much hate each other. I hope that your parents at least were still in love. There is really nothing else that can be said to make you feel better about your own parents'' situation. Either they were good parents and loved you or they weren''t.
And either way, you have to find a way to move on someday knowing that the loved you and that is all that''s important.

Of course it''s a daily struggle. I''m sorry you feel like you are contemplating not going on daily. Life doesn''t have to be that painful. I urge you to seek someone to talk to. Your post sounded like you''re at the edge and I hate to hear that. I think you are a bright young woman with a bright future. Please consult your doctor if you think your current meds aren''t helping, and please continue to post here and keep us updated. I would absolutely fall apart if a PS member decided that it was all too much. Please get help.

If I seem paranoid or overly thoughtful about your post to you or to others, so be it. I am concerned about you--that is all. ~M64

 

[megumic]

B4Me THANK YOU for posting. As I sit here too, facing depression day after day as well, it often feels like each day is lonelier than the last. I''m sorry for your losses and that you too struggle daily with depression. It is a battle I wish upon nobody.

It is helpful to me to know that you''re out there too - experiencing the same thing. While I am still figuring out how to handle depression, one thing I often do is make a gratitude list. It reminds me of the wonderful things I do have in my life and the things I can be thankful for today. Depression is such a silent disease and it''s easy to hide. I''m sure for those who do not have experience with it can hardly understand - I often feel like nobody in the world understands. It drives me crazy. But you''re right, some days are better than others. But when the bad days hit, the world might as well get invaded and taken over by aliens because I wouldn''t even know the difference I''m so stuck inside of my depression.

Thanks for having the urge to share. It made me feel less alone on a particularly difficult morning. I know there are others reading this and feeling the same. I applaud your courage.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m so sorry you had to go through such horrible things.

 

[whitby_2773]

hi brilliance

i'm a psychologist, tho i haven't worked in the area for a few years now. i'd suggest a few things to you.

anti-depressants work for some and not for others, and some people can have an adverse reaction to them. if there's any way around it, i don't recommend them.

i wouldn't recommend working with an analyst as i suspect the 'talking only' therapies aren't the best option for you. what you're describing is long term, big time trauma which i suspect has not been adequately treated - if ever.

i'd recommend EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprograming) , a relatively new therapy which is specifically effective in treating old trauma. i think you probably also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and will need a psychologist experienced in this specific area.

your therapist may advise the use of medications, but find a therapist you like *first*. and ask them if they're experienced in the use of EMDR.

here's some links for you...

EMDR in general -

link

the American Psychological Association psychologist locator page, which will help you find a psych. also - call them to get your state registration board to make sure any practitioner is in good standing. you can also check for specialties.

link

and here's a link to the EMDR Institute's 'find a practitioner interface. look for a psychologist trained in EMDR and experienced in both. the interface can be useful, but i'd suggest calling to get more info:

link

brilliance - i hope this helps. under NO circumstance should you continue as you have been; the level of emotional stress and pain you're describing is intolerable in the long term. there's facilities that can help you. i hope you find your way to them.

if you have any more questions, feel free to ask...

 

[snowflakeluvr]

i am so sorry for your suffering. i suffered post-partum after my third child. i did eventually take an anti-depressant(paxil) which seemed to "jump start" me back to a good place. i also had a revelation in therapy ove rmy father''s death 17 years earlier(he ended his own life) and i hadn''t realized the gray cloud that had hovered over my life. i felt worthless for many years because my father had the audacity to leave me(and my siblings) and somehow i was never GOOD ENOUGH. now i realize that he was terribly ill and at the threshold of his own suffering. i have worked a lot on "me", on learning to like and love myself, on trying to let go of negatives that were throughout my childhood, of recognizing toxic people(mostly relatives) and of how it''s OK to do what is best for ME(and my children).
i have a 14 yr old who is in the throws of what we are identifying as mostly seasonal depression(as his difficulites are most pronouced around the time changes). he has been in therapy and does take an anti-depressant, as well as supplements. it is very unsettling to see such suffering in another individual, especially my own child, but i am beyond empathethic and supportive to his challenges.
i don''t think there is one cure-all for what makes you struggle. finding a good therapist, as well as a visit to your physician are a starting point. i would suggest not being afraid of supplements and/or taking medication since both my son and i saw positive results using them and many, many people benefit from taking medication/supplements. my faith has certainly helped me as well as knowing that there are others who have the same challenges. you are not alone and hopefully in knowing this, you can move forward in your life and hopefully find some emotional answers to the burdens you carry in your heart. i don''t think most of us have such a tragic reference in our lives as you do-i am so sorry for this.
as an aside, my own mother''s mother died giving birth to her. my mother was raised by many old grandmothers, aunts, etc as well as a "wicked" stepmother. she has told me that she doesn''t know "what being a mother looks like" since she never had one. my mother has not been a perfect parent, but she''s a very resilient and independent person whom i admire greatly.
you WILL find answers and comfort-bless your heart as you open yourself to the journey of healing. you are blessed to have a wonderful husband and son and i''m sure you know this.i will be praying for you.

 

[lulu]

Can you tell us what sorts of therapy you''ve already had? Did you ever take medication for the depression?

 

[redfaerythinker]

You need to find a therapist that you click with. You may need to meet with a few until you find one. Then you might need to use medication. I suffer from debilitating depression and anxiety. I cannot tell you how much the meds have changed my life. Just a few weeks ago I was telling my mother about my day and she said.. "You know, that''s the first time that I''ve heard you say that you''d had a great day".

The important thing to remember is that you are not alone.

 

[Arkteia]

I feel very sorry for you.

I am a psychiatrist and I''d be very cautious about asking for an antidepressant unless you find a doctor who you trust. Antidepressants can be great, but in some people they can actually cause totally opposite effect. It is not easy. Find someone who''ll be available by the phone or email so that you do not need to wait for an appointment or go through a receptionist if you feel worse.

Now about therapy...You lost your mother instantaneously, and it seems to me that with the father that you had, you did not have much time to grieve. Or did not process it with the help of a loving person. I would recommend joining a GRIEF and LOSS group. There are therapists who specialize in grief and loss, so that at least you can mourn the loss of your mother in your heart. Then you can move forward.

I''d also carefuly screen the groups that are available - some of them are great, some not so good. I recently had a professional meeting with a therapist specializing in grief and loss. She is a wonderful woman! I hope you''ll find someone warm and supportive in your state.

Wish you good luck! Hopefully, your sister will go through her treatment successfully. And remember, breast cancer has a much better prognosis these days!

If there are many breast cancer cases in your family, I''d get checked for BRC1 and BRC2, the genes for breast and ovarian cancer. But only if there are several cases. One doesn''t mean you are a carrier.

 

[Lorelei]

Brilliance,

I just wanted to send you a hug and give you my support. You have taken an important step towards moving past this by saying how you feel and I hope and pray you get the help you need. You have been through so much but there is hope and life can and will be beautiful again for you!!

 

[tyty333]

brilliance,
I dont have much to add to the good advice that you have already received but I do want you to know that I am
thinking about you. No one should have to deal with that much while growing up. I''m so sorry you didnt get the
help you needed while you were young. Please do look into getting more help and possibly some medication to help
lighten your emotional load. Its just too much for one person to have to carry around for their whole life.

Take care,
tyty

 

[Maisie]

I can''t imagine how you would get over seeing what happened to your mother. It would be the worst thing ever. The pain must be incredible and you carry that around every day. Add that to your dad not caring for you and putting you first. You have been so let down. Now your sister is sick and you must feel that you are at the end of your ability to cope. Your system is telling you something has to give.

I am on medication for anxiety disorder and they did make me feel quite unwell to start with. Over time I have settled into taking them and they have not taken over my brain. They have just taken the edge off the feelings of panic so I can deal with the attacks better.

I really feel that you need to get help to deal with all this stuff that is running around in your head. Maybe talking therapy alongside anti depressants for a while. (((hugs)))

 

[lyra]

Please ask for a referral to a psychiatrist, who can decide what meds might or might not be appropriate for you. I have multiple sources of PTSD, cognitive behaviour therapy is what helped me the most. I did one-on-one sessions with the therapist for this, and it gave me inner resources where I thought I had none. It''s always available to you once you learn it and it helps end the negative thought cycles in your head so you can have peace and get beyond the trauma. Good luck. Unfortunately, good mental healthcare is something you have to be very proactive in seeking. You have to work on it when you least feel like it. You have to fight for yourself. Take care.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

.

 

[jjc]

brilliance, I am so very sorry for all that you''ve been through, and the pain that you still feel everyday. I just wanted to let you know that you are truly an inspiration, and my absolute hero. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD, and I am constantly fearful that I will not be able to build my own life, and a lovely family - things that you have done, despite such terrible odds. I hope you find peace and can be free of your pain one day, and I hope you know that you have given many people hope by sharing your story. Thank you.

 

[Steel]

Although you have a very particular story brilliance4me, I know how you feel.

There is no cure because nobody can give your Mom back. That will never go away or get better and I am sorry it brings you so much pain.

Sometimes I feel it is better to acknowledge that a situation is really crappy and feel the pain. And on the days you feel better, enjoy your life; your husband and son.

If your diagnosis is correct, I believe a major symptom can be detachment so embrace your feelings when you can. I'm glad you found your DH and created your son and imagine they bring you much pleasure in this world, try to embrace your blessings when you can and when you can't, mourn for yourself and your Mom.

I also believe in therapy, meds and asking for help.

 

[risingsun]

I am so sorry that you have gone through such devastating experiences in your life. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. I would like to recommend that you see a therapist who specializes in the treatment of PTSD. You are right that just identifying the disorder doesn't "cure" it. It's a lot of hard work to learn to cope with trauma. I agree with Whitby that EMDR could also prove helpful. A lot of sound research has been done about EMDR and the treatment of PTSD. I wish that I could say more or do more for you. Please know that we all respect you for being able to post here about your experiences and feelings. We are holding you close and sending you our hope for healing these wounds.

 

[brilliance4me]

Hi Everyone.

Your thoughts, comments, understanding, knowledge, and concern has been a tremendous source of encouragement. I don''t feel alone as I did before this thread. Its nice to know Im not alone. I normally shut the world out, don''t know where this sudden urge to share came from. I dont regret it one bit. I needed to here you. I needed to here all of you. I am listening. Thank you so very much.

I canceled my initial therapist appointment that I was supposed to go to this past Friday, thinking I didn''t need it. Go Figure. However, because of your advise, I called today and I did reschedule for next Wednesday (soonest I could get). You are right. I do need a VERY VERY GOOOOOOOD therapist. I have been to soooooooooo many over the years and taking different medications. Been going to therapy since I was 9. Just have not found a Therapist that fits me yet. So I am going to begin my search without letup. I NEED a therapist.

My sister informed me she is at stage 3 of breast cancer. But she assures me she is going to be FINE and the cancer will be terminated (started keymo last Friday) She is keeping her head up, as she shall. She said she has so much more living to go, this is just the beginning! (I feel SHE is the Strong one in the family. So brave!)

I do think of my son and husband constantly. What a blessing they are for me. I tell my husband I didn''t start living until I met him. My son gives me a source of happiness he will never understand. I don''t want him to experience not having a mother and the pain associated with it, if I can help it.

I did have a very difficult childhood and experienced a severe amount of pain. But I am LIVING! Maybe thats why my family say I am the Strong one!(who knows)

Kenny, Scarleta, Gailey, Monarch, Megumic, Oddoneout, Whitby, Snowflakeluvr, Lulu, Redfaerythinker, Crasru, Lorelei, TyTy, Masie, Lyra, MC, JJc, Steal, and Rising Sun!

Thank you for your comments, support, and understanding! I wish I could HUG all of you!

You have been such a source of uplifting and encouragement! Thank YOU!

 

[Hera]

Date: 3/17/2010 9:25:12 AM
Author: whitby_2773
hi brilliance


i'm a psychologist, tho i haven't worked in the area for a few years now. i'd suggest a few things to you.


anti-depressants work for some and not for others, and some people can have an adverse reaction to them. if there's any way around it, i don't recommend them.


i wouldn't recommend working with an analyst as i suspect the 'talking only' therapies aren't the best option for you. what you're describing is long term, big time trauma which i suspect has not been adequately treated - if ever.


i'd recommend EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprograming) , a relatively new therapy which is specifically effective in treating old trauma. i think you probably also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and will need a psychologist experienced in this specific area.


your therapist may advise the use of medications, but find a therapist you like *first*. and ask them if they're experienced in the use of EMDR.


here's some links for you...


EMDR in general -


link


the American Psychological Association psychologist locator page, which will help you find a psych. also - call them to get your state registration board to make sure any practitioner is in good standing. you can also check for specialties.


link


and here's a link to the EMDR Institute's 'find a practitioner interface. look for a psychologist trained in EMDR and experienced in both. the interface can be useful, but i'd suggest calling to get more info:


link


brilliance - i hope this helps. under NO circumstance should you continue as you have been; the level of emotional stress and pain you're describing is intolerable in the long term. there's facilities that can help you. i hope you find your way to them.


if you have any more questions, feel free to ask...

As a person who has received EMDR treatment I can attest to how life changing it is.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I canceled my initial therapist appointment that I was supposed to go to this past Friday, thinking I didn''t need it. Go Figure. However, because of your advise, I called today and I did reschedule for next Wednesday (soonest I could get). You are right. I do need a VERY VERY GOOOOOOOD therapist. I have been to soooooooooo many over the years and taking different medications. Been going to therapy since I was 9. Just have not found a Therapist that fits me yet. So I am going to begin my search without letup. I NEED a therapist.

Starting therapy is hard! Don''t beat yourself up about cancelling the first appointment - just get on the phone and reschedule.

I am dealing with depression (pretty much from when I was 10 up to now) and a lot of other issues. It took me two years to get to therapy, after I admit that maybe it might be good for me. I stalled, I procrastinated, I hated the first therapist''s guts, I put of contacting others, I used up every excuse I could tell myself. In the end, I needed help to get start on it (a friend got several recommendations, talked to three of the therapists for me and set up the initial appointment with two), since I was never going to do this by myself. Did I mention I was having a lot of troubles?

SO far, it seems to be going well and I finally got a good fit with my current therapist. Please make the effort - it is hard, it seems that nothing helps and nothing ever will. This isn''t true. If you need, ask your husband''s help.

 

[4ever]

Hi brilliance4me,

I don''t have much to add except: life is too breif and precious to feel misserable and depressed. I used to describe it as a daily struggle to keep your head above water, which some days is much harder than others. I hope you do everything you can to get help and get better because you deserve to be happy. I will be thinking of you.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I canceled my initial therapist appointment that I was supposed to go to this past Friday, thinking I didn''t need it. Go Figure. However, because of your advise, I called today and I did reschedule for next Wednesday (soonest I could get). You are right. I do need a VERY VERY GOOOOOOOD therapist. I have been to soooooooooo many over the years and taking different medications. Been going to therapy since I was 9. Just have not found a Therapist that fits me yet. So I am going to begin my search without letup. I NEED a therapist.

Starting therapy is hard! Don''t beat yourself up about cancelling the first appointment - just get on the phone and reschedule.

I am dealing with depression (pretty much from when I was 10 up to now) and a lot of other issues. It took me two years to get to therapy, after I admit that maybe it might be good for me. I stalled, I procrastinated, I hated the first therapist''s guts, I put of contacting others, I used up every excuse I could tell myself. In the end, I needed help to get start on it (a friend got several recommendations, talked to three of the therapists for me and set up the initial appointment with two), since I was never going to do this by myself. Did I mention I was having a lot of troubles?

SO far, it seems to be going well and I finally got a good fit with my current therapist. Please make the effort - it is hard, it seems that nothing helps and nothing ever will. This isn''t true. If you need, ask your husband''s help.

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m glad you posted. It looks like you''ve gotten a lot of useful info. I''m sorry that I don''t have anything to add besides prayers and hugs. But, they''re big and they''re many! (((((hugs)))))

 

[PumpkinPie]

Hi Brilliance,

Starting therapy is always hard- you wouldn''t believe the number of people who cancel and no-show for first appointments at all the agencies I''ve worked for - and I can understand the fear involved - it is a very scary and difficult first step and I''m glad that you''ve reached out again.

I''m sorry for all the pain you''ve experienced as a child and are currently feeling - but you are certainly not alone - not here on Pricescope and not in your life.

Good luck with you new therapist - I hope you have finally found someone with whom you can have a supportive, positive, healing connection.

 

[marym]

Hi Brilliance,

Others before me have given you some good advice. I just wanted to say that I''m rooting for you. You have been through unimaginable suffering and my heart breaks to read your story. It was so brave of you to come forward. I have suffered from depression off and on for most of my life. Last year my dear father was diagnosed with early onset dementia. The specter of depression is back in full force. I know how it feels to slog through the day, feeling tired and empty. Mornings are the hardest time for me. I don''t claim to understand the hell you have gone through, but I empathize with the sadness. I wish you the best. Don''t give up! Keep trying until you find the right person who can help you. You deserve to live a happy and full life.

Best wishes-
Mary

 

[VRBeauty]

Hi B4Me: I'm so glad you posted, and I'm sorry that you're suffering as you are. I can't imagine the trauma you went through as a child. I've dealt with my own depression for many years, so I so have some small idea of what you're going through now.

I'm glad you rescheduled with a therapist, and you've received some wonderful input here about the importance of finding a good therapist that's right for you. I just want to say please stay open to the idea of medication if you feel like you might need it. The best therapist I went to -- the one I stayed with the longest -- did not want me to use anti-depressants. I decided to use them anyway because I needed a break from the depression, and I'm so glad I did. I guess what I'm saying is... there are anti-depressants out there that work for many people. Using medicine may not be the ideal way to rid yourself of depression, but it is a worthwhile tool to consider, especially for short-term relief. Personally, I take it on a long-term basis. But... I know people who used it only for awhile and that was all they needed.

There are many causes and manifestations of depression, and probably just as many ways to treat it. For me, therapy alone wasn't useful -- it couldn't cut through the negative voices and self-judgement in my head. In your case the tapes of your mother's death and your father and step-mother's abuse probably play the same role. My path involved a 12-step program that helped me regain a little self-esteem, and therapy, and medication, and my spiritual beliefs, and a lot of friends who were willing to listen or just be with me. Your path will probably be different.

I'll probably ask the mods to remove my post after a while. Chalk it up to paranoia.

(seriously, I'm just a little private about this sort of stuff.)

 

[luvinlife]

Brillance-

I wish I could give you a real life hug not just a virtual one

Luvinlife (aka Amy)