Delicate Situation....

[upgrade]

Date: 7/28/2009 10:25:42 AM
Author: lucyandroger
I don''t think it''s your place to determine what your father can and cannot handle. Now that you have the information, I think you should pass it on to him. I might suggest that H tell him first but if she doesn''t, I would let him know he has a grandchild.

What if he finds out about the child 2 years from now? Then he has lost 3 years with the baby rather than just one. And how will he feel to know that ALL of his daughters have been keeping this secret from him?

Your father has raised you to be a strong woman, I''m sure he is a strong man. What''s done is done. You can''t get that year back for your father but you CAN prevent him from losing more precious time with his grandchild.

I agree with this. If one of my children had made me a grandparent, I would want to know.

What a horrible situation- I''m sorry that you have to deal with this.

 

[tigian]

Date: 7/28/2009 10:19:47 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
If I were M, I would send an e-mail to H congratulating her, and that''s all I would do. I would not mention the e-mail to your father or anybody else. M risks being dragged into an unpleasant situation if she mentions the e-mail to other family members and might even be blamed for digging up unhappy memories or trying to cause more friction.

I agree. Though it may be hard and your father would want to know, I''m inclined to think that H has ulterior motives with her emailing M. I would try to stop this cycle and if H wants your father to know and be in her childs life, she will contact him directly. Ideally, along with an apology for the past!

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 7/28/2009 12:54:57 PM
Author: rainwood
Italia -

Just because H made the decision to put your sister in the middle of this mess doesn''t mean she has to be the one to deal with it. You could respond on your sister''s behalf so that H doesn''t get to go through the ''weakest link.'' Channel the communication on your terms, not H''s. And don''t go ballistic. Just say ''Thanks for the news. I hope you decide to tell Dad'' then wait a month to see if she does. If she doesn''t, then tell him. Then neither of you will be keeping something from your dad, and you can just explain that you were hoping H would tell him herself, but when she didn''t you did. He''ll just have to handle it from there.

I agree. I''m happy for you that there''s now a baby in the family, and sad at the same time because H''s deceitful behavior in the past has caused so much pain for everyone. I think your dad does deserve to know that he has a grandson, and in the end, it won''t (or shouldn''t) matter who told him.

 

[LilyKat]

Honestly? I would ignore the email, and any ones that follow, and not mention it to anyone. Do your best to forget you ever received it.

I know exactly the sort of person you are dealing with, and engaging with her in any way will just end in disaster - but I think you know that already, because you cut her out of your lives for a reason. She wants a reaction, to stir, to hurt your family again. Don't give her a way to do it again.

If she wants to tell your father herself later, and make a genuine attempt to reconcile with you all (rather than just a sneaky email), she's perfectly free to do so.

 

[february2003bride]

My guess is H e-mailed M with this news because M is the one to mostly likely send back a nice "Congratulations" e-mail, and H assumes then M will spread the news. If H is really a manipulating person, then she may have sent that e-mail to see how much influence she still has in the family. "H has a baby? Let''s send baby gifts and money!" She''ll use her baby to get what she wants and then in a split second, that her child away from seeing it''s Grandfather again.

Unless, she has changed. You would be amazed at how a person can change after a child is born. Perhaps she''s had time to think about how she treated her family, and sending M the e-mail was a "feeler" to gauge the reaction to her being apart of the family again.

As for your father, you or M should absolutely tell your father ASAP. Just because M got the e-mail does not mean it has to be her to tell your dad. If you are the stronger person, clearly it should be you. If one of my children was estranged from me, and he/she e-mailed another sibling with this news and they did NOT tell me, I''d be livid. I''m an adult and my adult children better not ever pick and choose information pertaining to me for me. You have this news, your father is an adult, whether you need to "find out" what H''s motives are are secondary, you should tell him as soon as possible.

 

[zoebartlett]

Do you think H wants the news to come out to her dad and she''s just too nervous to tell him herself? Maybe she told M in the hopes that she''d tell your dad, Italia. I don''t think she''d put that kind of information out there just because, you know?

 

[packrat]

I have a few people similar in my family, and have heard "Maybe she''s changed" a lot. I''ve yet to see it. If H has changed, she''d have acted like a big girl and called Dad up herself and told him. Yeah, maybe she''s scared and sorry and doesn''t know how to approach him. But, I doubt it. Did the email just say "Hey, guess what, I had a baby, kthanxbye"? If she''s changed, I would expect a little something more, like, come see the baby, I''ll send you some pictures blah blah. Or, "I really want to tell Dad but I''m afraid after being such a whacked out nut job he won''t talk to me. Would you tell him and see if he''ll talk to me?"

However, having been burned so many times by H before, I would see it as a way to worm back in to get money and play with the family''s minds..kids are expensive, and some people are not only adept at pilfering money from those that love them and want to help them, they''re also good at using kids as bargaining chips.

I feel sorry for M. I think M should email back, like someone else mentioned earlier, to congratulate her and add that Dad would really like to know. Put the ball back in H''s court for her to decide what to do. If she really wants him to know, she should be the one to tell him. Maybe after a couple weeks or a month or whatever, if she hasn''t, M could tell him..or not. Gah, it''s just such a hard decision! How upset would Dad be if he found out that you and M knew and didn''t tell him?

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 7/28/2009 12:20:38 PM
Author: trillionaire
M should forward the email to your dad, and CC H, saying:

Recieved this from H, thought you should know.

- M

They are adults, they can take it from there.

Ditto -- except that I''d word it "I thought you might want to know."

and I''d make sure the subject line hinted at the content -- as in "news from H" -- have a seat!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you everyone for your kind advice.

My sister and I spent a great deal of time this afternoon mulling over what to do...based on your advice...and decided to tell my dad--he does have a right to know. M sat him down and told him. He was upset, understandably, but interested in seeing the baby which is now totally on him--we''re done. M and I have zero interest in H, her husband or her child...we''re not cold people, but we detest her. My mom is of a like mind...she will support my dad because she loves him, but knowing H, she has also decided to bow out of any future relationships that can be manipulated.

During our time trying to decide what to do, we had googled H. We found that H and her husband D created a blog about her pregnancy/baby. During what I expect was her 5th month of pregnancy H posted a blog about how my father wanted "nothing to do with his grandbaby"...her words.

He didn''t even know about the baby--and yet again she embarrassed him by racking his name across the coals. This was the deciding factor for us. We''re not going to let her get away with saying hateful things about our family. She''s a POS for sure and my dad would never "disown" his grandchild.

M and I decided to write H back...and since all of your advice contributed to that decision, I''ve decided to share the letter with you all...

Dear H,

I must admit receiving the e-mail from you was a shock, and took a day or so process. I appreciate you letting me know but please understand that I am not an "aunt" because I am not your sister. It is true that we share a common family member, but our association stops there. You chose your family back in June 2006, and our family has respected that choice to the fullest of our ability. I wish I could say that baby changes things between us, and prehaps 21 months ago it may have, but I look at this surprise announcement as yet another manipulation of me and my family, and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I want you to know that I did tell Dad. I told him because I love him, respect him, and in no way want to contribute to your games. I assume the intent of e-mailing me was to reach him, so I was the heavy for you--not for you, but because it was the right thing to do. I may not know you well, but I do know that you enjoy dividing this family with lies and secrets and always have, I will never be a part of that and I will not give you permission to do that yet again. Going forward, I understand that family members often times have different relationships with each other, and if Dad so chooses to do this with you and baby A so be it, but I will not be a secret-keeper nor a pawn.

I wish baby A all the best...but I have nothing to offer you.

M

 

[House Cat]

Italia,

I think you handled things in the best possible manner. It was a very sticky situation and there isn''t much you can do but get messy sometimes.

Hopefully, H gets the message and decides not to engage any further with your sister. H sounds very sick.

Wishing you and your family well.

 

[Circe]

H sounds like a deeply disturbed person. I think you did the right thing in telling your dad, but I also think you''re doing the right thing for yourself to minimize contact. Good luck ....

 

[cara]

It was the right call. While generally not allowing yourself to be manipulated by a known manipulator is a good idea, the existence of a grandchild is too important to keep from someone.

 

[D2B]

well done,

I despise secrets like this, if you had kept quite, the secret grows in importance and significance, they take on a life of their own, and hurt people. My theory is shed light on dark secrets, let the fall out sort it out and move on.

Your dad can decide, you are no longer involved in her games and you can move on - great work in difficult times.

db

 

[movie zombie]

well worded reply.

mz

 

[UCLABelle]

No advice, what a sad situation! Your poor family and father

 

[Prana]

Italia, I think that you and your sister did the right thing, even though it was a hard thing to do.