Dear Abby makes me so mad sometimes!!!!

[FireGoddess]

Date: 12/1/2007 5:37:35 PM
Author: luckystar112
P.S. Nowhere does it say that the daughter treated her mother like crap all her life when all she did was give give give.
Or else they would have already known of her 'true colors' (as her step-father said) before she ever got married!
I'm assuming here (as is everyone else) but I think the parents are taking this one thing overboard.

This letter didn't chronicle the fifteen years the deadbeat dad was exactly that - a deadbeat. And doing far worse (identity stealing) than just being a deadbeat. I don't think any of us can really say whether or not the parents are taking this overboard because you're only reading about one incident that was the culmination of what sounds like years of problems. Whether or not daughter has a right to pursue a renewed relationship with her dad is not the issue. Of course she does. However, I definitely think she could have been a little more graceful about HOW and WHEN it was done.

 

[fansynancy]

I think that the bride who wrote in to Dear Abby is still young and hopeful. I think her mother''s reaction hurt her terribly because the mother has probably lived long enough to have lost any hope she might ever have had for the father of her daughter. The two women are at differnet emotional places when it comes to this man. I also think the mother is pulled between her daughter and her new husband. The husband is helping to pull the mother away from the daughter. This could be because he does not want to see his wife hurt futher or because he wants his wife for hiself and no longer wants to share her with her daughter. I think when the bride is a mother herself she wil better understand the sacrifices her mother made and will also better understand why her mother is so hurt, bewildered and angry right now.

Nancy

 

[lumpkin]

Hmmm. Personally, I wouldn''t write the daughter off completely. But I would set concrete boundaries and the daughter would not get any more financial support from me. It would be a long time before I could let her in emotionally. The old adage, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me..."

Forgiveness is a gift. There are people who do penance for a single wrong act for years and never get the forgiveness of the person they wronged. That''s incredibly sad for everyone involved. Then there are people who forgive over and over and over, and the person who continues to receive the gift of forgiveness is never held accountable and they never repent. That''s equally sad, IMO.

I''m all for forgiving someone and think many people hold on to petty grudges that should just be let go. But this isn''t petty. It''s VERY SERIOUS -- the father stole his daughter''s identy!!! Who does that to their own children??? I could forgive even that if there is a SINCERE EFFORT TO REPENT. I''m not getting the impression Daddy wants to change, nor that Daddy''s Little Girl wants to hold him accountable for what he''s done. If I were Mom and Stepdad, I''d be extremely upset, too.

 

[Independent Gal]

This woman is now married! I certainly hope she's not still taking financial support from her parents!

I can see the other side of the story too. Sure, I understand why the mother is upset too. But I do totally see where Lucky is coming from.

It sounds like there could have been better behaviour from all parties. But for us (or Abby) to draw such drastic conclusions from our meagre information is probably premature.

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 12/1/2007 10:09:52 PM
Author: nebe
Staying out of the actual letter, I have to say Dear Abby and Miss Manners piss me right off my chair. I can't stand either of them. They're dated old hags who need to retire and stop giving people bad advice from the '50s.

AAAACK!!! Spoken like a young whippersnapper!!!

I'm soon to be old. I just turned 45. When I was 25 I thought that was SOOOOOOO far away and I would never actually be 45. Somehow, the laws of physics would miss me and I would just never get old. Well, now 20 years doesn't seem that far away. I'm starting to get artheritis and people my age are actually dying. Nebe, it's like the invasion of the body snatchers!!!

But I hear what you are saying. Just couldn't resist razzin' ya!

ETA: LOVE the icon! That is priceless!

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 12/2/2007 12:47:23 PM
Author: Independent Gal
This woman is now married! I certainly hope she''s not still taking financial support from her parents!

I can see the other side of the story too. Sure, I understand why the mother is upset too. But I do totally see where Lucky is coming from.

It sounds like there could have been better behaviour from all parties. But for us (or Abby) to draw such drastic conclusions from our meagre information is probably premature.

Parents often give financial assistance in the form of gifts. For instance, her daughter might comment about needing to go buy sheets or towels and the mom then goes and gets them and presents them as a gift. That''s actually what I meant. I do hope the mom is not having to pay the daughter''s bills, and definitely I would not, regardless of the dad situation.

The timing and the way it was handled is such a slap in the face. I''m adopted and can definitely relate to the daughter''s situation -- my biological father is in town, available, and never supported me. He never stole my identity, either. And I would NEVER have paraded him at my wedding. If I were this young bride, certainly I have every right to persue a relationship with him, but out of respect for my mother and stepfather who PAID FOR MY WEDDING, I would not have brought him in at that point. And I would be sensitive enough to think that specifically the timing and manor of it would upset them. I don''t know, but it seems to me this young woman definitely has a lot to learn, and her mom does not have to be happy about the situation. If she wants to persue a relationship with her father and she doesn''t want her mother''s input, why involve her? Why do it during the wedding after mom and stepdad have paid all the bills? It doesn''t make sense to me that the daughter should expect her father to be welcomed.

 

[chiefneil]

Wow, I''ve never seen such a harsh reply from Dear Abby, but I love it!

I don''t know if the daughter has shown her "true colors", but she did display a remarkable lack of appreciation and love for the parents who raised her. If your mother and step-dad raise you, help you survive your bio-father''s depredations, and pay for your wedding, then you owe them some consideration. If they''re dead-set against the sperm-donor being in the wedding, then it''s basic courtesy to concede the point and connect with the bio-father afterwards. If the estranged father had a shred of decency he would have voluntarily skipped the wedding as well.

I don''t equate "write her off" with "cut her off", but this is event is something that will never be forgotten by the real parents and they should lower their expectations and distance themselves a bit for their own sanity. The daughter can definitely connect with her bio-father, but she should have the sense to do it in a way that isn''t a slap in her mother and step-dad''s face. I predict the daughter will spend Christmas with the step-dad, breaking a 15 year tradition of spending it with her mother.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 12/2/2007 1:59:11 PM
Author: chiefneil

I don''t know if the daughter has shown her ''true colors'', but she did display a remarkable lack of appreciation and love for the parents who raised her. If your mother and step-dad raise you, help you survive your bio-father''s depredations, and pay for your wedding, then you owe them some consideration. If they''re dead-set against the sperm-donor being in the wedding, then it''s basic courtesy to concede the point and connect with the bio-father afterwards. If the estranged father had a shred of decency he would have voluntarily skipped the wedding as well.

I don''t equate ''write her off'' with ''cut her off'', but this is event is something that will never be forgotten by the real parents and they should lower their expectations and distance themselves a bit for their own sanity. The daughter can definitely connect with her bio-father, but she should have the sense to do it in a way that isn''t a slap in her mother and step-dad''s face. I predict the daughter will spend Christmas with the step-dad, breaking a 15 year tradition of spending it with her mother.

Wholeheartedly agree with everything CNeil wrote.

Mom and Step-dad paid for most of the wedding (and they''ve been the emotional/financial supporters for years when the bio-dad was MIA). If Mom said to daughter in that situation "I''m uncomfortable with that man coming to the wedding", I really believe that daughter should have honored that.

Bio-dad has been out of the pictures for 15+ years......waiting one more week to establish a new relationship shouldn''t have been a huge hardship. I can understand the daughter feeling she might regret it if she didn''t ask him to come, but it''s hard to imagine how that trumps the regret of hurting her mother so deeply that she''d disregard her feelings.

I frankly think that Abby''s advice was on-point, and as CNeil points out, Abby didn''t say ''cut her off'' or ''never speak to her again''. It was more "well, take a lesson from this event....you''ve found out that your efforts aren''t valued as you''d hope they be, so let that guide your future behavior." It''s pretty clear that the daughter doesn''t much value the years of support and sacrifice from her mom/step-dad, so expecting her to somehow place more value on it in the future would be mom just setting herself up for more disappointment.

None of that says that the daughter won''t realize her folly later; it just says ''take your cue from this behavior and don''t let yourself be made a fool by extending in the future.''

 

[nebe]

Date: 12/2/2007 12:58:38 PM
Author: lumpkin

Date: 12/1/2007 10:09:52 PM
Author: nebe
Staying out of the actual letter, I have to say Dear Abby and Miss Manners piss me right off my chair. I can''t stand either of them. They''re dated old hags who need to retire and stop giving people bad advice from the ''50s.

AAAACK!!! Spoken like a young whippersnapper!!!

I''m soon to be old. I just turned 45. When I was 25 I thought that was SOOOOOOO far away and I would never actually be 45. Somehow, the laws of physics would miss me and I would just never get old. Well, now 20 years doesn''t seem that far away. I''m starting to get artheritis and people my age are actually dying. Nebe, it''s like the invasion of the body snatchers!!!

But I hear what you are saying. Just couldn''t resist razzin'' ya!

ETA: LOVE the icon! That is priceless!

45 is not old! I don''t think you''re old until your ideals are outdated by more than 30 years.