Dealing with divorce

[Miss Sparkly]

Growing up my mother was not the best mother. She was continuously verbally abusive and would constantly put me down for anything and everything. My dad was my savior and did his best to shield me from what he could. At age 11 my mother left us, stating that she no longer wanted the responsibility. Initially there wasn't even a place for me to stay at her apartment. She didn't feel it was necessary to have me over that long, even though I had always tried to have a real relationship with her. When my parents sold the house they jointly shared they ended up buying a duplex. The idea being that because I couldn't drive, and that they were still "friends", that it would be a good solution. I lived with my dad and would see my mom periodically. Fast forward several years. My mom, hoping to get $$$$ from my dad filed for divorce. This for me was a great thing. It was about darn time and it scared the crap out of me that my mom would rack up huge medical bills (she has a lot of problems from not taking care of herself/mental health issues). Now he doesn't have to worry about that. Part of the divorce was to sell the duplex. Dad called me last night to let me know that they finally have an accepted offer. He is ecstatic to move into his new townhouse and I am very excited for him too. What I didn't expect is my wounded heart to be opened up again. Having my parents separated and living a wall apart helped significantly with my mom's verbal abuse. She still did it, but not nearly as much. All three of us could still go to dinner together, or on shopping trips, and usually have a good time. But now, now that they are officially divorced, and are going to be moving apart, and the fact that my dad hates my mom at this point means that the only family structure that I knew really is gone. Forever. My friends and DH do not understand. To them it was broken years ago when my mom walked out. To me it was only cracked then, now it is shattered. I have set up an appointment with my wonderful psychologist but that isn't until the end of October (he is a popular guy!). Just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling right now...Any thoughts, stories, etc would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

 

[AGBF]

I am very sorry for the pain this situation is bringing up for you, Sparkly Blonde. You described your feelings so clearly, that you reminded me of a couple of situations in my own life in which I experienced anger, grief, and loss.

In one case I experienced this loss as a young child. My first loss was with my mother when I was a three year old child and I felt I had lost her love because she brought home a new baby. I was absolutely overcome by my grief and begged the object of my loss to return to me. I then attempted to fill her place by always having a "best friend" throughout my life, always seeking close companionship with another girl, having a very close best friend.

In the other case, I was an adult. When I would fight with my husband and he would threaten to leave me, I would fear losing him; I would panic and do anything to keep him. I would chase him as if my life depended it, even though I was perfectly capable of existing on my own in reality. It was as if I was a child losing my mother all over again, and I just wouldn't let it happen...no matter what...with disastrous consequences on my marriage and mental health.

I am not sure that these vignettes will be at all helpful to you, but you are not alone. Others have shared your sense of loss, no matter how seemingly unrealistic it is to others, it has its own emotional reality. You are so much on the right track to be going to talk to a professional about this. And I hope it helps you to share it here, too!

Big hugs,
Deb/AGBF

 

[lliang_chi]

Sparkly, Sorry to hear how conflicted you're feeling. You're dealing with this new change and it's scary, intimidating, new. But the change isn't necessarily bad, it's just different.

My parents are also in the process of a divorce; I'm over 30. It sucks because there's still a lot of emotion, but I know this is the best situation. In truth they were not happy together and could never be. This way, they each have a chance of happiness again on their own. In my situation, I'm an adult and I don't need my parents to be together anymore. I know I'm loved and cared for and most importantly, I have a life of my own that I need to live. The fact that they're together or not doesn't impact me now as it would have if I were a child. The whole divorce thing is still going to suck because they still need to deal with each other because they're still tied together because of children. But it's a learning situation and people adapt and get by.

Good luck,
LC

 

[Miss Sparkly]

I disagree with quite a bit of what lliang has stated. Unless there are minor children involved, they don't have to deal with each other and are not truly tied anymore. You are tied to both of them, but they are no longer tied to each other. Adults also comprehend divorce in very different ways than children. They are often not as shielded from issues and if they are, still are able to fully understand what is happening, where as a child often is not. Either way, divorce has a huge impact on the family and everything changes. As an adult I can relate to what AGBF is stating. As much as I hate to be a statistic, it is true that children of divorced parents often end up in divorce themselves. They don't learn proper family skills and communication skills when it comes to relationships. I have treated my husband poorly, criticizing him and waiting for the day that he would walk out on me too. Thanks to my father, and a wonderful psychologist, I'm not as screwed up as a I could be, but I have a very high level of self awareness and am not always able to fit the puzzle pieces together. This is one of those instances. I have known for years that the divorce was coming and that my mom would try to take my dad to the bank for all he's worth (he had a wonderful lawyer and she ended up screwed by the divorce). The end of being tied, as you put it, was not what I had thought about nor expected. The change is bad, not just different. It is the end to "family" Christmases, Thanksgivings, etc and the beginning of "who the hell am I going to visit" and at what time of day.

 

[lliang_chi]

Sparkly, I'm not trying to pick a fight or anything and I do hope you can speak to your counselor soon. And maybe my words are just coming out wrong/misinterpreted. I can see what you mean, but you'll always have a family, a mother and father. The fact that they're married or not is just an attribute of who they are to you. It doesn't define them, or that's at least my opinion.

As far as children of divorce being likely to divorce, perhaps it is a statistic. But you have a choice to actively make a difference and WORK to keep your marriage together. And it sounds like you do that. But we're all human, we all make mistakes. Even kids from happy healthy married parents make mistakes. It happens. Best to learn from them and move on.

As an adult whose parents are divorcing, I agree, I am not "shielded" from things that I would be as a child. But also I realize that this is THEIR mess/issues, and has nothing to do with me. Example: My DH and I are expecting our first child, the 1st grandchild for my parents. So yeah, they're going to have to deal with being around each other because of this baby. Will it be MY responsibility to make sure everyone's happy and getting along? No. It's my responsibility that my child is happy and healthy. In my mind, we're all adults here, and if my parents can't figure out how to be in the same room, then they can coordinate their own schedules.

I'm not saying that everything's going to be sunshine and roses. It's going to be pretty crappy until everyone can put the past and emotions behind them. I'm just saying you can choose to look at this as chance for happiness for each of them individually.

Good luck,
LC

 

[partgypsy]

I do feel it is good to speak to a counselor or psychologist, as it sounds like your mother "did a number" on you. From my own experiences, my parents divorced when I was adult (in college). Although my mother was not happy with the outcome (she still loves him) to tell you the truth I was relieved when they got divorced. It was obvious it wasn't working (particularly for my Dad) which meant before the divorce he wasn't happy around the house, critical of my mom, or simply not there. I actually saw my parents more AFTER they got divorced than before. I know they loved me in either case, but the conflict with each other was all they had time for. I feel your parents were sensitive with the separation to make sure you saw both parents. They will always be your parents. But it's true it will be more up to you what relationship you have as an adult you have with your mom, and with your Dad. There is actually a lot of potential for better terms than before.

Here is the secret. Things always change. You had a certain relationship with your parents as a baby, as a small child, as a teenager, and now as an adult. Your relationship will continue to change as relationships enter your life and your parents age. But no matter what they will always be your parents.

 

[AGBF]

The change is bad, not just different. It is the end to "family" Christmases, Thanksgivings, etc

Yes, I hear that. The divorce is a loss for you. Bad things happen. That is why I think you have been wise to admit your feelings to yourself, not to whitewash them, and to seek help from a professional with a great reputation for having helped others. I am not a pessimistic person; I believe that one may find ways to cope with with loss. Denial that one has experienced loss is not, in my opinion, one of the healthier ways of coping with it, however! That is why I so highly approve of how you have gone about dealing with your grief and disappointment. Good luck to you, SB!

Deb/AGBF

 

[lucyandroger]

Sparkly, I rarely post anymore but I had to respond to your thread. I can relate to what you're going through. My parents separated when I was 15 and divored when I was 21. Lots of people act like divorce is no big deal or that it's actually better for the kids but I didn't feel that way - I was devastated. When everything else goes wrong and you have nothing left, you're supposed to still have family so when that family is torn apart, it's really scary and sad.

But now that I'm older and have a home of my own, I host at least one big family holiday a year and both of my parents attend. They are at least polite and usually even friendly with one another. This does not have to be the end of family holidays if they are important to you (they are to me too!), but it may fall to you (or if you have siblings, your siblings) to host them. Just be clear with your parents that they are guests in your home and they are expected to behave themselves. I know that sounds condescending to say to your parents but divorcing parents can be really selfish and immature at times.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Puppmom]

Sparkly, sorry you're going through this. I'm no shrink (and I probably need one! ) but I'm wondering if your issues and feelings are more related to your mother's abuse than the divorce. Myabe you're afraid on some level to spend time with your mom alone since you felt protected when your dad was there too? Who knows what the reason - whatever you feel is valid and I hope talking to your psychologist sheds some light and you're able to get comfortable with this.

...edited for spelling

 

[Haven]

I just lost a huge long post and now I don't have time to retype it.

Sparkly--I'm so sorry you're going through this. My parents divorced three years ago after 30 years of marriage, when I was 27, and just a few short weeks after my own wedding. It opened up a lot of wounds in me, and it took me some time to adjust to the new version of my family. I want to tell you that I completely understand, and I hope you find that time heals these things for you the same way it helped me.

My biggest challenges were making it clear that I couldn't be a confidant for my parents to complain about each other, and navigating our numerous family get-togethers, many of which I host. We figured it out over time, with some very frank and open conversations, and now I'm standing three years post-divorce feeling pretty good about my family. I hope for the same for you.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Everyone deals with things differently. Two people can experience the EXACT same situation but their brains process their emotions, thoughts, and behavior differently. That said it sounds like you have a lot of grief issues. There can be loss without death. The loss of a mother you will never have. Parents you will never have. A childhood you will never have. That's big. Unless you have processed those feelings they are slowly and dangerously brewing inside of you. People can only hold in so much before it begins to manifest physically and emotionally. I hope you can deal with your grief and acceptance. You probably have some PTSD issues around the abuse. I hope you connect with the therapist. If not, try another. I think you will really benefit. Good luck.

 

[movie zombie]

It is the end to "family" Christmases, Thanksgivings, etc and the beginning of "who the hell am I going to visit" and at what time of day.

the reality is that the "family" that you are remembering was an illusion.....which you are still trying to hold onto despite having a very realistic view of who and what the family dynamic was based on who your dad and your mother really are...... i'm glad you have an appointment although do wish you could have gotten in sooner. i think you'll find that you are closer to moving on than you think you are.

rather than an ending, this is an opportunity! you are no longer bound by old ways of thinking and doing. you can create your own family traditions!!!!! you are not reliant upon your parents for your emotional satisfaction nor are you obligated to fulfill their holiday wishes. their relationship problems and now divorce had nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. it is now time to make your life what you want it to be without feeling responsible for them.

ps i think your dad really did try and do right by you and shield you from many things.......but he can no longer shield you from the reality that he is moving on with his life as evidenced by his finally filing for divorce. additionally, it appears that if he hates your mother now, it was always an illusion that they were friends or the additional years he spent living in close proximity to her changed the relationship. either way, its time for all concerned to be very honest with themselves about reality, accept it, and move on.

sorry this has picked at the scar tissue of old wounds. you will heal and be stronger!

 

[Miss Sparkly]

She filed for divorce, not him. Also he hates her now because his illusions of who she was are finally being broken down. I never understood why he used to be so nice to her when she was such a witch to us. The sadness lasted a whopping four days until I found out my boss grew up in nearly the exact same situation as myself. Crazy! I just needed for somebody to give me a hug and say they understand. It is difficult to see my dad go through the same series of emotions that I went through years ago. We are very close and I am willing to be there for him as he navigates his new life (which btw he does quite well) as he has been there for me for so many years.

 

[Miss Sparkly]

Also wanted to address that the family I had was an illusion. I disagree. An illusion is thinking that everything was peachy. It wasn't. We had holidays and more where we did things as a family. Sometimes it went well and sometimes it didn't. What I had was a mom who grew up with abuse and never got over that herself, a dad who watched over me and took on the role of mom and dad, and finally parents who could not live together but easily got along fine for a couple hours. It was a very odd and unique situation but it was my "family"

 

[movie zombie]

your understanding of your mother's own abuse and failure to grow past it adds greatly to your ability to move on. she is lucky to have you as a daughter.

it seems you are not as concerned re your scars but your dad's. in this your father is also a lucky man to have you as his daughter.

i'm sure you'll sort the holiday issues out. it does not have to be as you stated, "......the beginning of "who the hell am I going to visit" and at what time of day.". it may feel that way right now but given your clarifications, i'm betting you'll make it a real beginning for you, too.