Dealing with Death

[kenny]

Date: 6/10/2010 10:29:34 AM
Author: ksinger

Death really just sucks.

Ksinger, I think your post says it all.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 6/10/2010 12:27:19 AM
Author: waxing lyrical

Date: 6/9/2010 9:39:27 PM

Author: RaiKai

I think that both DH and I have a healthy awareness that death is part of life, that we *will* die and do not think our 'relationship' to a person dies just as the person did, but, I do also think we all grieve in our own way.



Personally, I feel it is important to experience a death in my own way...and recognize others are doing the same.



Different deaths affect me differently. I felt very different when my long term boyfriend died when I was 21, than I did when my grandfather died the same year. DH feels very differently about the fact his dear friend was killed in Afghanistan on Sunday, than he did about his teenage cousin who died last year. The reality of my mothers near death 3-4 years ago as she battled cancer hit closer than my grandmother actually dying of the same years ago.



Often people are mourning more than the loss, but also their own understanding of the world and life, the circumstances, what was said or not said, their own certain death and so on.



Grief is variable in nature.

This.


I never had a really close relative die. My aunt was the closest person to me that died when I was 12. It greatly affected everyone. My father's stepmom passed a couple years later. I wasn't super close to her. A cousin died tragically at a young age. And both my mother's grandmothers. Until we lost our first son I had not been in a situation where death directly affected me. My whole world seemed to shatter in an instant. I was utterly devastated and heartbroken. I felt numb and raw. The pain and heartache unbearable. Death is cold and unforgiving. Something I never had to face until then. But even with all the pain and grief I never felt like I couldn't heal just a little down the road. I never felt like dieing and never slipped into a deep depression. I didn't lose myself or get angry at the world or ask 'why?' (I know this is a common response). There isn't an answer and I've never looked for one and don't need one. I came to peace with his passing fairly early on and learned to adapt to my new reality. A new normal. Life went on and I was able to smile again and experience joy.


The Buddhist parable 'The Mustard Seed' helped me in the beginning when I was in the thick of grief. I still go back to it.


There were/are times I think something is wrong with me because I didn't grieve the way some expect or the way it is written (e.g., stages of grief). I didn't 'get over it' by any means. Losing a child isn't something to 'get over.' But life continued on and I was able to as well.

Thank you for sharing your story. I did actually tear up a little reading it. One of the first things I confess I thought when I was reading this thread was I wondered if anyone would chime in on what it was like to lose a child or a spouse. After all, someone's ancient old aunt is another persons sibling or so on. For me, I do not react or relate to all deaths in the same. Each is different. And yes, certainly, after a long life it may seem more "logical" and it is easier for most of us to file it away in our minds as being natural and expected, but even the old can die painful deaths, and even the death of someone old can be profound for someone else. What of their spouse of 50+ years for example?

I debated not writing the rest, as the rest of my post may come across as a bit graphic (as well as long and rambling), so some may not want to read, but this is an explanation of what is going on for me as I read this, and think of my own ways of grieving, and own experiences with death. Or some of them at least. It is so much more than just the "loss" and I am not sure others would understand that unless they can look into my own brain and actually SEE that. When I see, or hear, of a death it is about so much MORE.

One of the most influential events in my life, was the death of a long term boyfriend of mine (which I mentioned in my first post) of a sudden cerebral hemorrhage (though he only actually died a few days later in the ICU after being in a coma for a few days). We were best friends, and had been dating for almost five years. He died quite suddenly a couple weeks before his 26th birthday. He was one of the funniest, most generous people I had known in my life at that time, and it was not just the loss of HIM, it was the loss of the *dreams* I had for our future together, the loss of him ever being able to touch others lives in the same way, the pain his parents and siblings and dear friends went through, and so on. I never felt a loss of hope....I did not wallow in sadness for weeks, months or years, I never felt like dying, or got angry at the world, but the pain and heartache were profound and very, very real. And while I can say that today I am healed, many years on, and almost feel grateful for my experience and would not change for one iota how my life has turned out, I do still feel sadness that his life ended. I can still remember vividly his collapse, the days of uncertainty while he was in the ICU, the other patients in the ICU as they came and went (or died), the smell of that hospital, the hope he would survive, the way time seemed to stand still, that I could not speak to him as there were fears the stimulation would cause brain swelling, I can remember when he was declared brain dead and I saw him laying there, with his body still moving and functioning...but knowing he was just not THERE anymore. I can remember how cruel I thought his mother was to me after, but also knowing how hard it was for her. I can remember how his father was just heartbroken, and he died only a year or so later - I have always been convinced that his son's death was just too profound - and this was a man who had been a surgeon for 30+ years and was not immune to horrific deaths. I can remember how his friends came together to support one another. How others disappeared or seemed to ignore it altogether in their own way of grieving. His baby sister got married last year and I thought of how much he loved his sister and would have loved to be there (and she would have loved him there). Yet, I can remember all that, and feel wonderful about life. I do not wallow in that death...it is still a profound, profound part of me. I am not a religious person, but I can say that experience fostered me to be a much more spiritual one.

I actually believe that experience, rather than "toughened me up", softened me to death. I will often find myself reading a news article about another soldier who has died, or a family killed in a car accident, and so on...and will shed tears for those I never knew as I think of their families, what they have been through, and my own experiences. I somehow empathize and mourn. I am far from a basket case, about life or death, but I do still feel this sadness, even while I feel hopeful and joyous about life.

I think of my husband's cousin who died last year. He was 15. I never knew the kid. Never met him. We lived rather far away. DH did not even really like him that much (he shared with me after his death) as he was a bit of a brat - however he was still a human being, a teenage boy with his own personality and vibrancy and so on, and still loved. The poor kid woke up in the middle of the night, screamed and ran to the bathroom and endured a massive brain bleed in the family bathroom. His family - parents and brother - saw him laying on the cold bathroom floor - witnessed the paramedics giving him CPR to revive him, and then saw him in a coma in ICU for three days before they removed him from life support. I remember the funeral and I remember how DH shed a lot of tears, and some of his family looked at him askew. He was weeping not just for his cousin, but the mortality of everyone there - even those who did not know of it themselves. His family are the kind that do not deal with grief that well, and it was interesting to see how everyone there reacted. I grieve for that poor boy's pain in his last moments. For his brother who has since then gotten in with a rough crowd. My husband's aunt - the boy's mother - was keeping up the appearances of being strong, as was the boy's father. It was not an experience their marriage has survived, and I grieve for them for that. Their grief was a lot more profound than they may have shown, or perhaps one or both of them numbed themselves to it, who knows...however, it still had a tremendous affect on their lives.

When my husband's friend was killed Sunday, I felt a mourning for the loss of life, for the circumstances, for my husband's loss and pain, for Marty's parents and family and so on. I think of how right now his body is laying in the coroner's office in Toronto so they can do an autopsy and analyze the mechanics of his injuries to see if his equipment did what it was supposed to do. It touches me, because it is so very real. He was alive. And then he was not. His body was brutally shattered by an IED. There were friends of his there who watched that happen. Their reactions likely ranged from shock and disbelief, to fear, to sadness, to all in between. Many have probably often wondered if it would be them next. For some of them...well, they might be. I wonder how many of them will suffer PTSD, or bottle it inside. How many will never feel comfortable talking to their spouses or others about it. I think of how his parents found out. I wonder if they found out before they were officially told by one of Marty's friends. I think of the guy sitting in the OPS room who first saw the details of the death scrawled across the computer screen and maybe realized he was reading about the death of a friend. It is not romantic. I cannot cover it in words about bravery and so on, as I see the politicians put forth after these deaths, because it was cold and brutal and I know that for most of these men and women it is not about being brave and so on. I mourn the decisions that have had us there for 9 years and little has changed. I mourn for DH who has a few tours himself and how they have affected him - I grieve what he has seen, how he has been shaped by those experiences. I grieve for DH who is making the plans to attend to his funeral, several provinces away, because it is important for him to be there no matter what.

All of this might sound paralyzing, but far from it. I feel joyous about life. I relish the small things. I find life and all its uncertainty exciting. I recognize death is real, and it can happen to anyone, at anytime. Sometimes that is a bit scary....at times I will feel a profound fear at the idea of my husband dying, for example - however this does not mean I deny it is part of life itself or that I pessimistically walk around thinking "whats the point". The opposite in fact.

I really don't think we can ever judge how someone else grieves. There are stages of grief, and not everyone goes through them in the same order, in the same time frame, or even all of them. As yssie said so eloquently, "everyone deals with things differently, everyone feels grief differently and everyone responds to those feelings differently", and further that what shows on the outside is never a good way to measure what is going on inside. One can shed tears freely, talk about their grief, and still be very strong, and optimistic about life and absolutely love life; others can appear strong and resilient, state they are just fine, and yet be shattered inside and be suffering in a silent depression.

 

[Clio]

jsm, I could have written the exact same email. I didn''t cry when either of my grandparents die. I was relieved that their suffering was over and, in the case of my grandfather, who lived another 5 years after my grandmother died, happy that they would be reunited. I felt sadness but not overwhelming grief.

Will I react differently to the death of a parent or sibling? I don''t know. Sometimes I do worry that I''m cold hearted.

The funny thing is that I''m a huge sap and cry over little things. The "Star Spangled Banner" makes me cry. Heartwarming commercials make me cry. My kids'' cute school events make me cry. But death? No.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I am the same way. When I lost an old bf over seas; it took me a couple years to grieve. However, when my aunt passed that I didn't know very well I was sad at the funeral, but did not cry or anything. I also didn't cry at my grandparent's funerals. I try my hardest to muster up some tears but sometimes it just doesn't happen...

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I actually think the way you deal with death is very healthy. We all grieve differently. I try not to judge how people process traumatic/difficult events. As long as they don''t sink into a deep depression I think there are many healthy was to handle death. The important thing is to be tolerant and understanding towards those who may take things harder than you do.

 

[Haven]

It's been interesting to read about how different people deal with death.

I'm similar in that I do not grieve when people with whom I wasn't close die. I do get very sad to see people I love grieving, and it sometimes hurts since there is nothing I can do to make them feel better. (I feel this most when DH grieves for his mother, who died a year and a half before DH and I met. We visit her grave often, and it hurts me to see him missing her. He cried when he talked about her during his speech at our wedding, and I felt that in my chest, for example.)

When I lose a loved one of my own, it really does physically hurt. I realize that we will all die, and even after caring for my sick grandmother and seeing her so close to death for so long, it hurt when she actually passed away. I couldn't help missing her. I couldn't help being sad for all of the things that I am going to (hopefully) experience in my own life that I won't be able to share with someone who is so important to me. Every now and then I still find myself forgetting that she's actually gone, and getting excited to tell her about something, and then I go through a brief period of feeling that crushing realization all over again. These things don't last for hours, but they do happen and they still hurt. I'm not sure if people are going to want to label that healthy or unhealthy or whatever they please, but that doesn't really matter to me. That's just me, and it's the way I feel. I don't think it's unhealthy, and I often feel better after having that rare good cry for her memory and the things we won't be able to share together.

Oh lord, would you believe that I'm tearing up now? Even so, I feel blessed to have someone that I miss so very much. Some people don't have that at all.

ETA: In Judaism we have a mourning period after a person's death called a shiva. I really like the tradition. After my grandmother died, my home was filled with people who loved her, and who love me, and my mom and uncle, and who came together to break bread with us and to cry with us and to make us laugh and get us through those first seven days after she was gone. It was exhausting at times to have so many people in and out of my home, but I remember looking around and feeling full of gratitude for everyone and all of the love and food and life that they brought to fill up my home. I think I spent less time curled up in bed bawling than I would have if we didn't have this particular tradition.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 6/10/2010 2:00:31 PM
Author: Haven
It''s been interesting to read about how different people deal with death.

I''m similar in that I do not grieve when people with whom I wasn''t close die. I do get very sad to see people I love grieving, and it sometimes hurts since there is nothing I can do to make them feel better. (I feel this most when DH grieves for his mother, who died a year and a half before DH and I met. We visit her grave often, and it hurts me to see him missing her. He cried when he talked about her during his speech at our wedding, and I felt that in my chest, for example.)

When I lose a loved one of my own, it really does physically hurt. I realize that we will all die, and even after caring for my sick grandmother and seeing her so close to death for so long, it hurt when she actually passed away. I couldn''t help missing her. I couldn''t help being sad for all of the things that I am going to (hopefully) experience in my own life that I won''t be able to share with someone who is so important to me. Every now and then I still find myself forgetting that she''s actually gone, and getting excited to tell her about something, and then I go through a brief period of feeling that crushing realization all over again. These things don''t last for hours, but they do happen and they still hurt. I''m not sure if people are going to want to label that healthy or unhealthy or whatever they please, but that doesn''t really matter to me. That''s just me, and it''s the way I feel. I don''t think it''s unhealthy, and I often feel better after having that rare good cry for her memory and the things we won''t be able to share together.

Oh lord, would you believe that I''m tearing up now? Even so, I feel blessed to have someone that I miss so very much. Some people don''t have that at all.

ETA: In Judaism we have a mourning period after a person''s death called a shiva. I really like the tradition. After my grandmother died, my home was filled with people who loved her, and who love me, and my mom and uncle, and who came together to break bread with us and to cry with us and to make us laugh and get us through those first seven days after she was gone. It was exhausting at times to have so many people in and out of my home, but I remember looking around and feeling full of gratitude for everyone and all of the love and food and life that they brought to fill up my home. I think I spent less time curled up in bed bawling than I would have if we didn''t have this particular tradition.

Yes, something very similar. I don''t forget my mom is gone, but I do have the most amazing pangs at the oddest times. My mom was a person of great playfulness and humor and loved children type stuff. I was in a bookstore and came across a book entitled "Jurassic Towel Origami" - you guessed it - origami dinos made out of rolled up towels. Adorable! And I had this almost frantic wish that she was there so I could say, "OMG MOM!! You won''t BELIEVE this!!!" We wouldn''t have had to explain or say a thing, we''d have both fallen down laughing, right there in the bookstore, and she''d have bought it on the spot! But she wasn''t there and here I had all this pent up...stuff.... Sad and frustrating.

 

[Kaleigh]

ksinger,
I didn''t know your Mom died of ALS. That''s got to be one of the worst ways to go ever. I lost a very good friend to ALS, he was in his 40''s.

Yes death truly sucks. You said it all.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 6/10/2010 3:17:30 PM
Author: Kaleigh
ksinger,
I didn''t know your Mom died of ALS. That''s got to be one of the worst ways to go ever. I lost a very good friend to ALS, he was in his 40''s.

Yes death truly sucks. You said it all.

Yeah, it was a shock to us all I can tell you. She was a smoker, so we dreaded and half-expected lung cancer or heart problems, but ALS?? WT?? And it was a variant form of ALS called "bulbar" ALS - it affects the muscles of the thoat and thorax FIRST, unlike classic ALS, which typically works its way in from the limbs to the trunk. You starve faster, which in some ways is good - she was an artist and kept her hands until near the very end. She always said that she didn''t want to outlast her hands, and she didn''t. But it was utterly heartbreaking, and a bleak 2 years, I can tell ya. But then, since you had a friend with ALS, I''m not telling you anything new...sigh.

 

[risingsun]

My parents were each so ill when they died, it was truly a relief. My mother died in her early sixties of metastic breast cancer. Her last 2-3 years were a nightmare. I started grieving her loss long before she died. My dad died in his mid eighties. He had alzheimers. I cannot write about what he endured during the last years of his life. I can hardly think about it. In the end, he died of kidney failure. My sister and I were at the point of having to make some very tough decisions about his care. I thank God that he passed before we had to act upon those decisions. As some of you know, I recently lost one of my dearest friends, very suddenly, to a brain aneurysm. One night we were on the phone discussing plans for the following weekend and the next night she was dead. This is a death I am and will be struggling with for a long time. She was 51 years old and a single mom to a nine year old daughter. When I went to the viewing, I discovered that she had already been cremated. I was shocked and dismayed. I felt as if I never had the chance to say goodbye to her. The funeral was the following day. I met with another one of her closest friends. We have promised to try to help each other through this. The pain is deep and life altering. I don't know what else to say.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/10/2010 4:38:24 PM
Author: ksinger

Date: 6/10/2010 3:17:30 PM
Author: Kaleigh
ksinger,
I didn''t know your Mom died of ALS. That''s got to be one of the worst ways to go ever. I lost a very good friend to ALS, he was in his 40''s.

Yes death truly sucks. You said it all.

Yeah, it was a shock to us all I can tell you. She was a smoker, so we dreaded and half-expected lung cancer or heart problems, but ALS?? WT?? And it was a variant form of ALS called ''bulbar'' ALS - it affects the muscles of the thoat and thorax FIRST, unlike classic ALS, which typically works its way in from the limbs to the trunk. You starve faster, which in some ways is good - she was an artist and kept her hands until near the very end. She always said that she didn''t want to outlast her hands, and she didn''t. But it was utterly heartbreaking, and a bleak 2 years, I can tell ya. But then, since you had a friend with ALS, I''m not telling you anything new...sigh.

That is so heart breaking. My friend had the version that it was his legs, then arms then breathing. Actually the reason I am on the computer is because of him, it was the only way he could communicate. He had a device that was strapped to his head and he could type. He was a trooper till the end, and was one of my very dearest friends.
Your Mom''s sounds worse... I dunno it sucks big time. He waited to tell me, I had a big 40th suprise party, he said I didn''t want to tell you till after. I look at the pics from the party and see him so happy but what a big thing he kept a secret, he must have been so upset inside. His parents were Docs, so he knew what was coming.

YOU have been through a lot. I am sure you were a huge blessing to her and a big comfort as well.

I know it''s a road I never ever want to travel down again. I think my tears during that time could last me a lifetime. It''s soooo hard to watch. People don''t get that..

 

[ksinger]

Date: 6/10/2010 4:53:48 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 6/10/2010 4:38:24 PM
Author: ksinger

Date: 6/10/2010 3:17:30 PM
Author: Kaleigh
ksinger,
I didn''t know your Mom died of ALS. That''s got to be one of the worst ways to go ever. I lost a very good friend to ALS, he was in his 40''s.

Yes death truly sucks. You said it all.

Yeah, it was a shock to us all I can tell you. She was a smoker, so we dreaded and half-expected lung cancer or heart problems, but ALS?? WT?? And it was a variant form of ALS called ''bulbar'' ALS - it affects the muscles of the thoat and thorax FIRST, unlike classic ALS, which typically works its way in from the limbs to the trunk. You starve faster, which in some ways is good - she was an artist and kept her hands until near the very end. She always said that she didn''t want to outlast her hands, and she didn''t. But it was utterly heartbreaking, and a bleak 2 years, I can tell ya. But then, since you had a friend with ALS, I''m not telling you anything new...sigh.

That is so heart breaking. My friend had the version that it was his legs, then arms then breathing. Actually the reason I am on the computer is because of him, it was the only way he could communicate. He had a device that was strapped to his head and he could type. He was a trooper till the end, and was one of my very dearest friends.
Your Mom''s sounds worse... I dunno it sucks big time. He waited to tell me, I had a big 40th suprise party, he said I didn''t want to tell you till after. I look at the pics from the party and see him so happy but what a big thing he kept a secret, he must have been so upset inside. His parents were Docs, so he knew what was coming.

YOU have been through a lot. I am sure you were a huge blessing to her and a big comfort as well.

I know it''s a road I never ever want to travel down again. I think my tears during that time could last me a lifetime. It''s soooo hard to watch. People don''t get that..

I hope I was Kaleigh, I truly hope so. I carry a lot of guilt from then, worrying about whether I was making the right decisions on her behalf - she was mentally there, but I had to speak for her, and help her navigate the medical maze - feeling like I maybe was not as kind or attentive as I should have been - it was incredibly stessful, and I am an only child. I had some sporadic and much needed help from her far-flung siblings, but for the most part I did it alone. Not whining really, but it is a bit hard to do all that with no real help. I think I would have been a candidate for a rubber room, had my wonderful man not showed back up in my life in the nick of time. He was a great help to me, and it was good because he treated her normally since he knew her from 27 years earlier. And respecting her decision to NOT get a feeding tube - she said...wrote: "That''s just STUPID." was very difficult. But she was definite, was mom, and she never wavered from that choice. And yet she tried SO hard to eat. Brutal to watch. Just brutal.

Yeah, I do believe that outside of close friends and husband - who were to some degree or other THERE, I have not really spoken of this with anyone or said any of this stuff until now.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 6/10/2010 6:34:25 PM
Author: ksinger

Date: 6/10/2010 4:53:48 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 6/10/2010 4:38:24 PM
Author: ksinger

Date: 6/10/2010 3:17:30 PM
Author: Kaleigh
ksinger,
I didn''t know your Mom died of ALS. That''s got to be one of the worst ways to go ever. I lost a very good friend to ALS, he was in his 40''s.

Yes death truly sucks. You said it all.

Yeah, it was a shock to us all I can tell you. She was a smoker, so we dreaded and half-expected lung cancer or heart problems, but ALS?? WT?? And it was a variant form of ALS called ''bulbar'' ALS - it affects the muscles of the thoat and thorax FIRST, unlike classic ALS, which typically works its way in from the limbs to the trunk. You starve faster, which in some ways is good - she was an artist and kept her hands until near the very end. She always said that she didn''t want to outlast her hands, and she didn''t. But it was utterly heartbreaking, and a bleak 2 years, I can tell ya. But then, since you had a friend with ALS, I''m not telling you anything new...sigh.

That is so heart breaking. My friend had the version that it was his legs, then arms then breathing. Actually the reason I am on the computer is because of him, it was the only way he could communicate. He had a device that was strapped to his head and he could type. He was a trooper till the end, and was one of my very dearest friends.
Your Mom''s sounds worse... I dunno it sucks big time. He waited to tell me, I had a big 40th suprise party, he said I didn''t want to tell you till after. I look at the pics from the party and see him so happy but what a big thing he kept a secret, he must have been so upset inside. His parents were Docs, so he knew what was coming.

YOU have been through a lot. I am sure you were a huge blessing to her and a big comfort as well.

I know it''s a road I never ever want to travel down again. I think my tears during that time could last me a lifetime. It''s soooo hard to watch. People don''t get that..

I hope I was Kaleigh, I truly hope so. I carry a lot of guilt from then, worrying about whether I was making the right decisions on her behalf - she was mentally there, but I had to speak for her, and help her navigate the medical maze - feeling like I maybe was not as kind or attentive as I should have been - it was incredibly stessful, and I am an only child. I had some sporadic and much needed help from her far-flung siblings, but for the most part I did it alone. Not whining really, but it is a bit hard to do all that with no real help. I think I would have been a candidate for a rubber room, had my wonderful man not showed back up in my life in the nick of time. He was a great help to me, and it was good because he treated her normally since he knew her from 27 years earlier. And respecting her decision to NOT get a feeding tube - she said...wrote: ''That''s just STUPID.'' was very difficult. But she was definite, was mom, and she never wavered from that choice. And yet she tried SO hard to eat. Brutal to watch. Just brutal.

Yeah, I do believe that outside of close friends and husband - who were to some degree or other THERE, I have not really spoken of this with anyone or said any of this stuff until now.

I am really glad you shared this with us. Look it''s a really hard thing, and you dealt with it pretty much solo?? I have dealt with Aids and Cancer. But the ALS is a whole different animal.

I think you telling this story is very helpful. You never know who is going through something similar.

When my friend was diagnosed, I was just devastated, as I knew what he was in for. He wanted to go before he got that bad off. BUT his wife, no way in heck was she going to let him do that. Religious reasons and what not.

That was the hardest part as he wanted out of here, and she was fighting thinking he''d be ok...


He left behind 2 wonderful boys, and am happy to say they are wonderful Men now.

I have huge respect for you, as I have been down this road, but NO. I haven''t walked in your shoes as a child caring for a parent dealing with such a terrible disease.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/9/2010 8:43:25 PM
Author:jsm
I seem to handle death much differently than most people I know, and I''m not sure it''s a good thing.

My husband''s great aunt passed away. While I feel sympathy for those left behind, I''m not sad, or broken up about it. In my view, she lived a long happy life (in her 90s), and it was time for her to move on. He (and the rest of the family) is very broken up about it and DH is upset that I am not as well.

I would attribute it to the fact that I didn''t know her well, but the truth is I feel the same way even if my own relatives pass. I am affected when the person is younger, and the death is sudden, but when a person passes after living a full life, then I don''t feel sad at all. IMO, death is a part of life that is inevitable for all of us.

I have been to many funerals and am not unfamiliar with loosing people in my life, so it''s not the lack of exposure that makes me so... cold hearted, I guess. It could be the fact that I''m exposed to disease and death frequently and I''ve become desensitized. Maybe it should affect me more? Maybe I need to be more sensitive? I have no idea what to say beyond, ''I''m sorry for your loss.''


Long story short, how do you deal with death?

I feel like you, too.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/10/2010 10:29:34 AM
Author: ksinger

Date: 6/10/2010 10:24:20 AM
Author: lknvrb4
I think I deal with death differently depending on the age and the situation. I was lucky enough to know my great grandparents on both sides of the family but never really had it affect me terribly when they died. My one great grandma was out of her mind and did not know me so I felt that she went to a better place. My other great grandparents lived full lives and I was sad but knew they would be together again.
This past January I lost my grandmother and it was totally unexpected and caught us all by surprise. It hit me very hard and I went through my crying spells and still sometimes I think about her and start to cry. But, she was diagnosed with alzheimers about 2 years prior and watching someone I love forget who I was, was more painful than her death.
I have never lost anyone else close to me so I am not sure how I will deal with death. I guess I take it as it comes and I have faith that God only gives me what I can handle.

Oh absolutely!! I had to watch my mother slowly waste away and starve over 2 years from ALS. And she didn''t get to check out mentally, she got to experience it all very consciously. Her death was tragic, but a relief in a way.

Death really just sucks.

I agree. My grandfathers long struggle, emotionally, with his terminal illness was far worse on him and on us than his actual death

 

[lulu]

The strange part to me is that as much as I enjoy life I wouldn''t want to live this life forever.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 6/10/2010 6:59:21 PM
Author: Kaleigh
I am really glad you shared this with us. Look it''s a really hard thing, and you dealt with it pretty much solo?? I have dealt with Aids and Cancer. But the ALS is a whole different animal.

I think you telling this story is very helpful. You never know who is going through something similar.

When my friend was diagnosed, I was just devastated, as I knew what he was in for. He wanted to go before he got that bad off. BUT his wife, no way in heck was she going to let him do that. Religious reasons and what not.

That was the hardest part as he wanted out of here, and she was fighting thinking he''d be ok...


He left behind 2 wonderful boys, and am happy to say they are wonderful Men now.

I have huge respect for you, as I have been down this road, but NO. I haven''t walked in your shoes as a child caring for a parent dealing with such a terrible disease.

Thank you for the kind words Kaleigh.

I don''t know if it is respect-worthy or not - I think most of us just do the best we can with the hand we''re dealt. And there are plenty of rotten ways to go when I think about it, so I''m not sure there is a "worst" way. But I do know I wouldn''t wish ALS or having to witness it, on my worst enemy.

 

[JSM]

I''m out of town and doing wedding stuff for my brother, so I can''t respond individually at the moment, but I wanted to thank you all profusely for sharing your stories. This is a subject I don''t see spoken of very often and it means a lot to be able to read your experiences. Thank you.