Dating Advice Anyone?

[joflier]

Hi Ladies.

So I pretty much only post on the hangout and smtr threads, but I''ve started lurking over here, being that I''m a single girl now, and back to dating. I know alot of you stick to this board, and don''t venture over there much, and being that many of you are closer to the dating scene, I''ll get your advice and input to! Here is my original post from the hangout board:


I''m jumping back into the dating world, slowly but surely. But I feel so green. I need the wise words of my PS friends!!!

So, I''ve been dating someone for the last month or so. He''s a really great guy. He''s very sweet, caring, affectionate, easy going. We get along really well. And he''s absolutely crazy about me! But I''m just so hesitant about it. I like him, and really like spending time with him.....but yet, I don''t feel this overwhelming amount of chemistry, or fireworks. There are some, don''t get me wrong, but its just very different from when I fell for my husband (granted that obviously didn''t have a happy ending) and a couple other relationships, where you could just feel the chemistry. Almost like it was electric. So even though I like this guy, I just don''t know if its worth pursuing. Part of me says that I should feel a lot of sparks, like I have before. If I don''t feel that right now, will I ever? Or am I wasting our time? But part of me says that, it takes time...yadda yadda - all that good stuff....I just feel rather confused about it. What scares me the most is that I''m watching him fall in love with me....fast. I don''t want to be a heartbreaker.

Any thoughts or advice? What did you girls, or guys, feel with your s.o.? Did you feel an intense chemistry right away? Or did it develop slowly?

 

[katomm]

Hi and welcome!

You are describing my last fiance and I to a "t." He was so sweet, would do anything and everything for me, we could laugh and had tons in common. No spark, zilch, nada. For 8 months I tried to convince myself this was the perfect person for me. We went through a lot, me having major surgery and then my brother''s death all within a month. He asked me to marry him and I said yes, thinking once I was emotionally over my sadness then I could move on to happily planning a wedding.

It didn''t work for much longer after that. It got the point where I couldn''t even kiss him without feeling bad. There was just nothing there and I knew I couldn''t spend my life with someone I had no chemistry with. It broke his heart but he understands now. We''ve been broken up two years now and we''re still friends, he has a great GF with apparent sparks everywhere so I am happy for him.

Now, with BF there have been sparks and still are, 3 years now! We met and were friends for 1.5 years before dating but let me tell you.....even while just friends there were crazy sparks. I get all teary eyed thinking about him even now. There''s nowhere else I want to be other than just sitting and talking with him, playing footsies on the couch. I can still get chills when he touches my neck or looks at me a certain way. There''s no doubt, this is what it''s supposed to be like.

It sounds like you''re in a lukewarm relationship and at least in the beginning I think there needs to be some spark, some attraction. Otherwise, you''re just wasting your time. Now, if all you''re looking for at the moment is fun and nothing serious then I guess it would be OK.

On a side note, I had major sparks with my first husband too and it''s taken me 11 years being divorced to find someone else I had that with. It was worth the wait completely.

 

[Indylady]

Do you think you might be hesitant because you are new to the scene, or because you''re not feelin'' the sparks?

 

[treefrog]

There are all kinds of people out there. A month may be plenty of time to get a solid feel for some people and it may not be long enough for others. Things can be a bit challenging in the beginning as you get to know somebody. Sure - some hit it off right away and that''s great. I don''t think it should be a dealbreaker if the sparks aren''t there instantly. Granted - there are exceptions but he sounds like a decent person worth giving a chance. Mix it up... get a good feel for him. Spend some time with him in his element and/or with his friends and vice versa.

Sometimes, there may not be sparks because he is still out gathering firewood to build a bonfire.

No, I am not him. But how funny would that be if I was!

Treefrog

 

[PrincessDijon]

Hey lady! Good to see you''re still alive and kicking. I started to date for a bit after ex FI and I broke up and I felt zero sparks with every guy I dated. Granted they were all nice and each had their own unique qualities but I just didn''t have that "head over heels" feeling like I had with the ex.

Personally,I know it''s because I still have feelings for my ex. While your situation is much different, I guess I suggest to just continue to date and get a feel for what you want and don''t want in a relationship. If anything these past four months of dating here and there has helped me know and understand what I want.....and surprisingly, it made me want to focus on myself more because i honestly didn''t want to deal with the drama that came with dating.

Good luck to you form one single lady to another

 

[CurlySue]

Date: 8/10/2009 7:32:30 PM
Author:joflier

Hi Ladies.

So I pretty much only post on the hangout and smtr threads, but I''ve started lurking over here, being that I''m a single girl now, and back to dating. I know alot of you stick to this board, and don''t venture over there much, and being that many of you are closer to the dating scene, I''ll get your advice and input to! Here is my original post from the hangout board:


I''m jumping back into the dating world, slowly but surely. But I feel so green. I need the wise words of my PS friends!!!

So, I''ve been dating someone for the last month or so. He''s a really great guy. He''s very sweet, caring, affectionate, easy going. We get along really well. And he''s absolutely crazy about me! But I''m just so hesitant about it. I like him, and really like spending time with him.....but yet, I don''t feel this overwhelming amount of chemistry, or fireworks. There are some, don''t get me wrong, but its just very different from when I fell for my husband (granted that obviously didn''t have a happy ending) and a couple other relationships, where you could just feel the chemistry. Almost like it was electric. So even though I like this guy, I just don''t know if its worth pursuing. Part of me says that I should feel a lot of sparks, like I have before. If I don''t feel that right now, will I ever? Or am I wasting our time? But part of me says that, it takes time...yadda yadda - all that good stuff....I just feel rather confused about it. What scares me the most is that I''m watching him fall in love with me....fast. I don''t want to be a heartbreaker.

Any thoughts or advice? What did you girls, or guys, feel with your s.o.? Did you feel an intense chemistry right away? Or did it develop slowly?

Obviously, everyone''s experiences and personal preferences are different, but... my dating & relationship history was filled with passionate relationships that all started out very strongly and were filled with great chemistry. I was instantly smitten, wanted to rip their clothes off, blah blah blah. Then months later, the passion would fade and we''d be left realizing that we didn''t have what it took to last.

When I met my current boyfriend, who will hopefully be my fiance sometime soon, it just felt different. It wasn''t an instant I-want-him type of chemistry, but throughout our first date, I just kept thinking, "this guy is a great guy... a really good person," and at the end of the date, I just knew I wanted to see him again and to learn more about him. I wasn''t necessarily ready to plant a kiss on him, but... I don''t know, I just knew I wanted to see him again.

The second date was the same thing. He was sweet, charming, funny, intelligent, and again - I just kept thinking that he was a completely wonderful guy and that I would be disappointed if he didn''t want to see me again. But I wasn''t ready for a kiss, and - in fact - when he tried to go in for a kiss that night, it ended up being planted on my cheek. Kinda awkward! But the minute he told me he wanted to see me again, I was screaming, "YESSSS!!!" while I politely told him, "that would be really nice."

By our third date (which was, I think, within 2 weeks of our first date), I started to get curious about what it would be like to kiss him. And later that night, I was able to find out. And it was nice... but not super-passionate. But still, something told me that I would be really, really upset if I didn''t see him again.

Fourth date was more of the same.

It was on our fifth date that lightning struck for me (such a cheesy way to say it, but totally true). It was either that I finally let my guard down or something just clicked between us, but that was the night that I realized he was not only a great guy, but he was a great guy for me. And I wanted him!

So moral of the slightly-too-long story? I think that if in your heart, there''s a part of you that would be really disappointed if you didn''t see him again, you should keep seeing him. Just because it''s different doesn''t necessarily mean it''s wrong.

BUT - like others have said... if he starts professing his love for you before you''re ready, just be open with him about it. His reaction to that could be very telling.

Good luck!

 

[joflier]

Date: 8/10/2009 10:40:25 PM
Author: PrincessDijon
Hey lady! Good to see you''re still alive and kicking. I started to date for a bit after ex FI and I broke up and I felt zero sparks with every guy I dated. Granted they were all nice and each had their own unique qualities but I just didn''t have that ''head over heels'' feeling like I had with the ex.

Personally,I know it''s because I still have feelings for my ex. While your situation is much different, I guess I suggest to just continue to date and get a feel for what you want and don''t want in a relationship. If anything these past four months of dating here and there has helped me know and understand what I want.....and surprisingly, it made me want to focus on myself more because i honestly didn''t want to deal with the drama that came with dating.

Good luck to you form one single lady to another

Howdy princess!

It has been awhile, but I''m back posting more regularly again. Sorry to hear about you and your ex fi breaking up. Maybe we should start a dating diaries blog or something, hey?

 

[joflier]

Thanks girls, for sharing your stories. I did have a conversation with him, that I''m not ready for something real serious right now. Its too soon for me. (and maybe not the right guy?) But I am new to this, so I don''t want to let a really good thing go, until I''m sure about it one way or another. Perhaps I have a lot of defenses up about falling in love again, and that could take awhile to overcome. Guess time will tell!

 

[PrincessDijon]

Date: 8/11/2009 5:59:18 PM
Author: joflier

Date: 8/10/2009 10:40:25 PM

Author: PrincessDijon

Hey lady! Good to see you''re still alive and kicking. I started to date for a bit after ex FI and I broke up and I felt zero sparks with every guy I dated. Granted they were all nice and each had their own unique qualities but I just didn''t have that ''head over heels'' feeling like I had with the ex.


Personally,I know it''s because I still have feelings for my ex. While your situation is much different, I guess I suggest to just continue to date and get a feel for what you want and don''t want in a relationship. If anything these past four months of dating here and there has helped me know and understand what I want.....and surprisingly, it made me want to focus on myself more because i honestly didn''t want to deal with the drama that came with dating.


Good luck to you form one single lady to another

Howdy princess!

It has been awhile, but I''m back posting more regularly again. Sorry to hear about you and your ex fi breaking up. Maybe we should start a dating diaries blog or something, hey?

Yeah really, my dating experiences this summer have been a whole bunch of LOL''s already. They really have discouraged me from me even wanting to go through the tedious process of dating again. It''s such a pain and I''m just over the games that people play...ugh.... I still want to hear all about yours though!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Here''s my experience.

With my ex, there was no connection or "sparks". We dated for 5 years, and got married. I believe it was just because we were together so long that we got married. Big mistake.

In my dating post ex, there was interesting and fun guys. No sparks. Fun, exciting, lots of ripping clothes off, but no real spark, no real connection.

With my FI, we had an instant connection. Beyond wanting to take his clothes off, we had an immediate instant bond. We were the missing part of the other. It was immediate and levelled both of us on our butts. And because he doesn''t want to have sex until we are married (or close to), we were not "distracted" by the clothes ripping part and could see the real and intimate connection between us. This is so right it is ridiculous.

So I think you need the connection, the spark, whatever. Don''t settle for less. You deserve it, girl!!!

 

[joflier]

Date: 8/14/2009 9:44:07 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Here''s my experience.

With my ex, there was no connection or ''sparks''. We dated for 5 years, and got married. I believe it was just because we were together so long that we got married. Big mistake.

In my dating post ex, there was interesting and fun guys. No sparks. Fun, exciting, lots of ripping clothes off, but no real spark, no real connection.

With my FI, we had an instant connection. Beyond wanting to take his clothes off, we had an immediate instant bond. We were the missing part of the other. It was immediate and levelled both of us on our butts. And because he doesn''t want to have sex until we are married (or close to), we were not ''distracted'' by the clothes ripping part and could see the real and intimate connection between us. This is so right it is ridiculous.

So I think you need the connection, the spark, whatever. Don''t settle for less. You deserve it, girl!!!

Seriously, I''m just so happy for you. That sounds like the kind of thing that only exists in the movies. I definitely want to find something that''s just that perfect.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Thanks Joflier. I know that I "settled" and didn''t really even know it. The guys I dated before my ex were not the most gentlemenly types. It was not the "movie" type of step and I figured that stuff only did exist in the movies.

But it doesn''t. You will find it when you least expect it and it will kick you in the gutt. And it is soooooo worth it.

Isn''t the dating scene fun!!! Hang in there!!!

 

[joflier]

Date: 8/17/2009 12:47:24 PM
Author: LitigatorChick
Thanks Joflier. I know that I ''settled'' and didn''t really even know it. The guys I dated before my ex were not the most gentlemenly types. It was not the ''movie'' type of step and I figured that stuff only did exist in the movies.

But it doesn''t. You will find it when you least expect it and it will kick you in the gutt. And it is soooooo worth it.

Isn''t the dating scene fun!!! Hang in there!!!

Totally!