Date Nights

[packrat]

I''ve taken a couple weeks off work since the kids have been born, to do stuff around the house..weeks when JD''s on hunting/fishing trips. I''ve not had an actual vacation since 03 when we went to Vegas and I got pregnant w/London. Mom and dad would occasionally take London for a weekend when I was pregnant w/Trapper, and they had her for the first week after he was born..but other than that...our "dates" consist of my parents watching the kids for us so we can run to the city and do like, Christmas shopping, or get a load of stuff for a project at Menards. We went to a movie January of 08, I remember. JD works w/a woman at the pack who looooves our kids, and has offered to babysit for us, so I think we''ll be taking her up on that at some point.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/28/2009 4:21:33 PM
Author: MC

Date: 5/28/2009 2:45:57 PM
Author: TravelingGal

She''s staying with my mom, who helps out during the week. We''re leaving her for 5 days when she''s 15 months, so she''ll be even younger then. So I guess by my standards, she''s not too young.

We left her for 3 days last November and all was well, and she still doesn''t seem to have any major separation anxiety.

That sounds perfect since she is well aquainted with your mom. I cannot remember the first time we left my son. We had planned a trip when he was 7 months and I panicked at the last minute because I was still nursing him, so we ended up having my in-laws fly with us on the trip so DH and I could have fun at night and they could watch my son. lol! (I became pregnant again when my first was just over one, so my guess is the boys were left together when my younger was at least one and my older was at least three).

Yeah, I left Amelia for the first time at 7 months. It wasn''t fun for me, but I got over it. She didn''t even bat an eyelash.

Vespergirl, the 5 day trip is what I am looking forward to because it will just be TGuy and me. The long trip we will be with his parents and I know I am going to have to control my grumpiness because I am going to be missing her like crazy and annoyed that I won''t have much quality time with my husband.

 

[oobiecoo]

Date: 5/28/2009 4:32:18 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Date: 5/28/2009 11:25:43 AM

Author:House Cat

How often do you and your spouse have a date night? How often do you and your spouse take vacations that are just the two of you?



We have four children and we never do either of these things. I''m thinking this isn''t healthy. We need time to reconnect as a couple. My youngest has freaked out on the few occasions that we have left without him. That doesn''t make it easy.

My husband and I have speed dating given our schedules..

he works days, I work graveyard. Our schedule overlaps one day per week. It makes it very difficult and sometimes strained, but I would rather have a thousand strained days than not to have him at all.. We try to make the time we have together count.


*eta.. our first real vacation time together will be the Autumn 2010 when there will be no more children living at home.. AND.. we are going to see the Autumn color on the east coast.. I am super excited at the prospect of staying in a B&B in Vermont & Maine.. not certain where else we''ll go.. !!

Will that be your first time in New England? I looooove it up there! I''m sure you''ll have a great time!


DH and I have been having unofficial date nights on fridays. We''ll get a Netflix movie or watch one instantly online and sometimes order pizza... we have a good time.

 

[Jas12]

We used to have date night every friday night.

We''ve had TWO dates since my son was born 14 mos ago

okay, that''s terrible. We get out tons, but when we do stuff it is with family or friends--rarely ever alone. Plus, breast feeding is/was not conducive to evening plans. By the time the kid is fed, bathed, put down for the night--i am ready for bed!

We REALLY need a good, real date night!!!
I am thinking we''ll go away for a night to the resort we got married at for our anniversary.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Well, we don''t have kids, so that makes it easier, but I''d say we have date nights on average once every 2-3 weeks, and we go away together at least twice a year, more if we can manage it. I''d like to think that if we do have kids someday we''d really make an effort to keep at least some of that - our "us" time is really important to both of us, and I feel like it really helps keep our marriage and each other healthy

 

[fisherofmengirly]

No kids yet, so we have a date night once a week. It''s fun and nice and I''ll miss it when that changes with babies and diapers and tears and tantrums.

We have mini-vacations in the summer, and visit my family for vacation of a longer dose in the summer and at Christmas. I like the min-vacations, because they''re usually fun 3-4 day trips to nearby places and we both grew up loving road trips, and that holds true still. I hope our kids travel well, because we love it!

 

[sba771]

No kids yet, but just because we see one another every night doesn''t mean we connect all the time. We try for a nice date night once a week on Fri or Sat night. Lately because we have been traveling we get mini vacations together which are my favorite. This post is helping me calm my fears about having to live so close to my future in-laws. I will try to at least take advantage of them wanting to watch our kids to make sure we have couple time when the time comes.

 

[janinegirly]

we don''t have anything on a regular basis (eek, maybe we should). We do date nights (but dont'' call them that?) when the opportunity arises, but we don''t have a weekend babysitter yet. My mom is there during the week (to watch the baby while I work) so no dates then, and then wkend we''re w/the baby 24/7. I guess more quality alone time is something we''ll have to address soon.

as for vacations, we''ll be leaving the baby behind for 7 days when she is 10 months. We''ll be in Europe for a wedding and she''ll stay with my mother. Obviously she is v. familiar with my mom, but I''m still a bit freaked about such a long stay away. I''ve waivered between wanting to blow off the whole trip, but it''s a family wedding. Bringing the baby would be too difficult with the jetlag, wedding events, and it would be nice to have some time alone. But I am already feeling guilty!

 

[Elmorton]

We don''t have kids yet, but we do date nights (which to me are different than just going out to dinner). I''d say about once every 1-2 weeks? And weekend getaways just the two of us (not visiting friends) once every 3-4 months. I think regardless of children, jobs, leisure time or lack there of, stress always creeps into a marriage and it''s important to have reconnect time on a frequent basis.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 5/28/2009 4:17:53 PM
Author: MC

Date: 5/28/2009 3:07:10 PM
Author: House Cat
I agree completely! I''m not really allowing my little one to dictate, I just hate subjecting my daughter to the tantrum. It''s a guilt thing. If we were to stay and deal with the tantrum, it would never end. So, we have to leave in the middle of the meltdown, and my poor daughter has to calm him down. Last time, it took ten minutes, which isn''t too bad.

He does mind her when we''re gone. He just resents her after the fact. I think it''s hard on her. Maybe I''ll pay her extra for brother resentment tax.

This thread is very eye opening though. Everyone seems to be on date nights!!

Ten mintutes isn''t that big of a deal. Nearly every babysitter goes through that at one point or another. Just give your daughter a few additional dollars for dealing with that. You are paying her, right?

FWIW, even as a SAHM, both my kids went to preschool and it did them a world of good because they learned they could trust other people aside from mom, dad, and grandma & grandpa.

Oh yes, we pay her.

I''m a SAHM too. My youngest (Luke) attends preschool for 4 hours per day. In the beginning, the adjustment period was tough, but he loves it now and it has done wonders for his social skills.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 5/28/2009 4:19:57 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 5/28/2009 3:07:10 PM
Author: House Cat

Date: 5/28/2009 2:47:22 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 5/28/2009 1:58:01 PM
Author: House Cat
My youngest is 4. I should have told you that my other three are teenagers, so they actually don't need a babysitter. The two older boys, they're no good for babysitting. They're just a bit immature for the job. Our daughter (14), she's wonderful for babysitting, but, now my 4 year old resents her for it! I mean it, we've had her babysit him once, and he's still walking around telling us how much he doesn't like his sister because she babysat him, almost a year ago!

My 4 year old is really attached and rigid. It's our fault because we didn't go out on date nights and do other things when he was young, so he only knows his routine. He doesn't mind visiting grandma's house though, just not enough to stay the night.

I really see the value in date night and time alone. People need to reconnect and recharge their batteries.

Oh wow, you have a built in babysitter, you have to use her!

It sounds like she does a great job, and maybe giving her a few bucks an hour will make her extra-eager to babysit.

It sounds like your little one is a wee bit spoiled, though - the 4 year old shouldn't be the one dictating the parents' schedule, or deciding who gets to babysit. If it were me, I would just tell him how it was going to be, and brace myself for the tantrum - and if the tantrum didn't die down within a few minutes, he would be spending a bit of time in 'time out.' I just think that once you put your daughter in charge, the little one should know that he's going to have to live with his parents' decision, and accept the fact that his responsible older sister is in charge, no argument.

I an one of three kids, and we were spaced 5 years apart (10 years between the oldest and youngest). From the time my older brother was 13, my mother would leave him in charge of me & my younger brother while she ran errands for short periods, and then later, once she saw that he could handle the responsibility, he would babysit us on their date nights. There were times that we resented the fact that he was left in charge, I'm sure, but honestly, he was the oldest, most mature & responsible, and we were instructed to do as he said until my parents returned. It wasn't up for argument, so we just dealt with it. I think if you let your son know that your daughter is in charge and he needs to obey her, he will do it if it's an order coming from you & your husband.

I agree completely! I'm not really allowing my little one to dictate, I just hate subjecting my daughter to the tantrum. It's a guilt thing. If we were to stay and deal with the tantrum, it would never end. So, we have to leave in the middle of the meltdown, and my poor daughter has to calm him down. Last time, it took ten minutes, which isn't too bad.

He does mind her when we're gone. He just resents her after the fact. I think it's hard on her. Maybe I'll pay her extra for brother resentment tax.

This thread is very eye opening though. Everyone seems to be on date nights!!

That's the ticket! I totally know what you mean about the tantrum after you leave that she has to deal with - but maybe a couple of extra bucks will make her not mind dealing with it so much

BTW, I meant to mention what a cutie your son is - I actually had a double take, because he looks a lot like my little guy - the blond hair & blue eyes. I can see why it's tough to leave him!

Oh thank you vespergirl! Those big blue eyes do get to me sometimes!

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Hmmmm . . . "date night" . . . what''s that??? And as far as vacations go (when it''s just DH and I), we haven''t done that since our honeymoon in July, 2005.

Really, we don''t have a good excuse . . . we don''t have kids to worry about (just two dogs and a horse), so technically we could go on a date/vacation whenever we want. We just don''t. Which makes me kinda sad. The only vacations we''ve taken in the past four years have been to visit my family in Florida, except for the one week that we spent in North Carolina with some friends of ours. DH just received a promotion and he''s extremely busy at work right now, so I don''t see him being able to take any vacation in the foreseeable future. In fact, I''m off this whole week and we had been hoping that he might be able to take at least one day off with me, but no such luck. At the very least, he was going to try to get off early today (like around noon or so), but that''s not happening.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 5/29/2009 10:53:26 AM
Author: Elmorton
We don''t have kids yet, but we do date nights (which to me are different than just going out to dinner). I''d say about once every 1-2 weeks? And weekend getaways just the two of us (not visiting friends) once every 3-4 months. I think regardless of children, jobs, leisure time or lack there of, stress always creeps into a marriage and it''s important to have reconnect time on a frequent basis.

I think this is true and many are very aware that it''s so important to reconnect, but the reality is it just is very hard to do alot of the times. In cases where both parents are working and household items must be taken care of, plus newborn child/infant--other things just end up being priorities even though I''m conscious that the relationship needs to also be a priority. I am always thinking "we need to reconnect and have quality time" but by the time I eat and get everything done, it''s time for bed (and I''m sleeping only 5-6hrs on average)! I''m hoping we get a pass this year..maybe we''ll find better balance once things settle or become more routine with the LO. Oh and my LO was born on our 1st anniversary, so that "date night" has also been compromised, d''oh!

 

[Elmorton]

Janine, I absolutely agree! I didn''t mean to sound preachy in my post. Having careers and children and just a life in general is enough of a balancing act that I can''t imagine how hard it is to schedule in date nights for parents. My only point is that even though DH and I see each other often and are definitely still in that newlywed phase, we''ve come to realize that even we need to get out of the house and focus on each other, because "stuff" gets in the way of even our relatively simple relationship. Stress comes from everywhere - that''s not limited to children or jobs. I just hope we can remember that in 10 years when we have more stresses and (hopefully) a larger family!

 

[janinegirly]

Elmorton, Oh I know..I was just using your post to project my own thoughts..haha. It''s just hard b/c I"m one of those people who is always trying to be on top of things and reading up on what relationships need to thrive...and am aware of it all, but yet see myself falling into the same patterns as all the cliches! It''s just sometimes not realistic I guess, at least not during certain times when everything is happening at once which is how this year has been for us! DH is typical guy and thinks all the busy-iness which is keeping us from having regular "talks" about how things are, etc. is good for our relationship! Well, he can enjoy it for now, b/c it won''t last forever,hehe.

PS Technically we are newlyweds too (married 1 1/2 years approx), but like I said, alot came at once (marriage, baby, new house, new town,etc).

 

[curlygirl]

I am pleased to announce that DH and I are beginning weekly date nights next week!!!!

After having 2 children back to back, it's been virtually impossible to go out by ourselves, let alone have a significant conversation without being interrupted 50 billion times. We're finding that we never get a chance to "reconnect" so we have made the bold decision to have MIL come over once a week (Wednesday nights) so DH and I can go out. She's thrilled about it and it's free so it works out pretty well! We will either go to the movies, go to dinner, sit in a park, go to a bar--whatever we feel like doing, just so we can grab a few hours of one on one time. I can not wait!!!

In terms of leaving the children overnight in the care of someone else, believe it or not, we haven't done it yet! Not by choice, it's just that nobody has offered to take them. We've both gone away for business individually (which I consider a vacation every time it happens!), but that just means that one of us has always been with them. I would have been more inclined to push the issue when we had just one child but now that we have two, it's definitely much more difficult to ask someone (which would mean either set of parents) to watch them. It's hard to take care of an infant and a toddler for "regular" people but our parents are a bit older so it would be even tougher for them. We've considered maybe splitting the kids up and giving one to each set of parents but then we would feel bad that they are separated. So as much as I would like for it to happen, I haven't insisted on it yet. I know that next year when I have a significant birthday, I would like to plan a serious European vacation for just the 2 of us and I figure that by then, the girls will be old enough to be without us for a while and our parents will feel more comfortable as well. But check back with me next year on that!

 

[appletini]

We have a date night once a week. The day varies depending on what we have on our social calendar, but we always make time for it.

 

[blushingbride]

DH and I live in Manhattan so, it''s very easy for us to have date night multiple times during the week because we''ll just randomly stumble into a restaurant for dinner.

We definitely have it at least once again and sometimes it''s just to our favorite wine bar down the street on a Friday night for a drink or two.

We also both love

to travel and have been to numerous places during our 5 years together (nearly 2 years married) including traveling around the US, Europe the Carribean, Hawaii (honeymoon) - we just got back from our most recent trip to LA and San Fran. Also, our trips rarely include family or another couple. We know it''s important for our marriage and happily spend the time and money to do it since we don''t have kids yet.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/1/2009 11:01:42 AM
Author: curlygirl
I am pleased to announce that DH and I are beginning weekly date nights next week!!!!

After having 2 children back to back, it''s been virtually impossible to go out by ourselves, let alone have a significant conversation without being interrupted 50 billion times. We''re finding that we never get a chance to ''reconnect'' so we have made the bold decision to have MIL come over once a week (Wednesday nights) so DH and I can go out. She''s thrilled about it and it''s free so it works out pretty well! We will either go to the movies, go to dinner, sit in a park, go to a bar--whatever we feel like doing, just so we can grab a few hours of one on one time. I can not wait!!!

In terms of leaving the children overnight in the care of someone else, believe it or not, we haven''t done it yet! Not by choice, it''s just that nobody has offered to take them. We''ve both gone away for business individually (which I consider a vacation every time it happens!), but that just means that one of us has always been with them. I would have been more inclined to push the issue when we had just one child but now that we have two, it''s definitely much more difficult to ask someone (which would mean either set of parents) to watch them. It''s hard to take care of an infant and a toddler for ''regular'' people but our parents are a bit older so it would be even tougher for them. We''ve considered maybe splitting the kids up and giving one to each set of parents but then we would feel bad that they are separated. So as much as I would like for it to happen, I haven''t insisted on it yet. I know that next year when I have a significant birthday, I would like to plan a serious European vacation for just the 2 of us and I figure that by then, the girls will be old enough to be without us for a while and our parents will feel more comfortable as well. But check back with me next year on that!

Woo hoo! That''s marvelous! Date nights are such a treat. I look forward to them every week. Have fun!!

 

[janinegirly]

wow you ladies are good w/being diligent on the date nights, that''s so great!

one question (probably dumb)--what would qualify a "date night"? Dinner alone? Or does it have to be something more special..dinner at a nice restaurant followed by drinks/movie and tender moments (ie how dates used to be when courting)? Do you have "rules" on what can''t be discussed (kids, finance, work, complaints..)?

I know everyone is different, but I''m kind of curious! I''m especially curious about those who''ve been married awhile..

 

[curlygirl]

janine, in my opinion, you can do anything or nothing on date night! DH and I just need some time ALONE, we don't care if that means sitting in the park, taking a long walk, having a drink, going to a nice dinner, going to a simple dinner, seeing a movie, eating ice cream, whatever!!! I think we'll most likely be having lots of dinners since that was something that we loved to do before we had kids, but one night might just be the sushi place down the street and then another night might be a fancy steakhouse--they don't have to all be elaborate, expensive events. We've been keeping lists of places on our Blackberrys so we can remember to hit up all the spots that we've wanted to go to! I don't think there are any rules about what can and can't be discussed. Let's face it, it's virtually impossible to NOT talk about your children but I think we'll try to bring up other things as well! I don't think any topic will be off limits but we'll probably want to keep it as "light" as possible so we can enjoy ourselves. And drinks will pretty much always be involved!

 

[TravelingGal]

Janine, we mix it up. Mostly it''s dinners at places that aren''t kid friendly! We''ve gone bowling, gone to the movies, or just stayed home to cook dinner and watch a DVD. The point is we take the time to focus on each other and chat. I will say going out is nicer than staying home and watching a movie, but since we do this every week, sometimes we just need to veg at home and give my mom a babysitting break.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 6/1/2009 12:23:13 PM
Author: appletini
We have a date night once a week. The day varies depending on what we have on our social calendar, but we always make time for it.

Ditto!

As for vacations - a long one (10 days) every summer and a few 2-3 day trips during the year. We bought these books where you''re supposed to collect stamps from 100 tourist sites - cultural/natural etc. so we are resolved to travel to as many places from the book as possible whenever we have the chance!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

We have never gone on vacation without our kids. We enjoy having them with us! As far as date nights go, we don''t do that very often for one simple reason..my hubby works long hours at a stressful job all week, and he ENJOYS being at home! (And so do I.) We did go see "UP" Saturday night, but we took our 13 year old with us! The last time she spent the night out, we debated about going out and ultimately decided to stay home and rent a movie! I think we''re pretty boring, but I really can relax better at home! I do think stay-at-home moms have a greater need to get out some, though.

 

[msb700]

well this thread has gotten me thinking that after little K was born (2 years ago) we have had very very sporadic date nights that are months and months apart..and it made me realize that through the course of these past two years we've concentrated so much on our roles as parents, that we've sort of forgotten that we're a 'couple'...so! with the help of this thread i've struck up a deal with my sister to baby sit twice a month (every other week) and once a month my mom will baby sit over lunch time..so i get to go on 2 date nites and 1 lunch date with hubby every month..which is GREAT since we havent done this in SO long....and this way we'll get to do a variety of things thru the month instead of ALWAYS doing a fancy dinner coz we feel obligated to do the fancy thing since we dont go out very often...this way we can do movies one time, dinner one time, driving around and a quick coffee one time..

so thank u all for ur inputs to this thread, i owe my 'date nights' to the lot of you and to House Cat for starting up this thread

 

[Sha]

Date: 5/28/2009 2:36:14 PM
Author: vespergirl
We have only one son (age two and a half) but we do date nights about twice a month. We also like to do at least one vacation a year without him (something like a long weekend - maybe 4 days).

Since we don''t have any family near us, and don''t like to impose on our friends to babysit, we have to hire a babysitter the nights we go out, which runs us about $10 an hour. If we didn''t have to hire a babysitter, we would probably do date night as frequently as once a week.

Also, when we go on our romantic vacation, we will fly up my parents to watch my son, usually, so we have the added expense of 2 extra airline tickets thrown into our vacation budget.

Overall, though, I think it''s really important to have date nights, regardless of financial circumstances. We went through a tight period after our son was born, where we were paying mortgages on two homes & didn''t have any extra cash. For our date nights then, we would put him to bed, and then I would either cook a special dinner, or we would get takeout from a favorite restaurant. I would put out a bouquet of fresh flowers, light candles, and lay out our takeout on the fine china. We would definitely have some drinks, listen to music, and have a real conversation. It gave us some special time alone in our home, without the expense of a fancy restaurant and a babysitter. Our ''at home'' date nights were very pleasant, and almost as good as the going out nights.

I think it depends on the ages of your kids, but that''s a good thing to try if you can get them all to go to bed & stay there

How nice! I think it''s great you and your DH made time for romance, even on limited cash. All it really takes is a little creativity, huh?