Wedding Curiosity about views towards cash at weddings

[katamari]

There seems to a real divide about anything where cash (as in actual currency) gets exchanged at weddings: the dollar dance (most recently), cash bars, tipping, parking, cash presents, etc. Is this due to an etiquette standard or bridal tradition? Do people fear that their guests will be offended? Do people feel like they put forth so much money that they would be upset with their vendors taking from others and charging them so much? Is it strictly conspicuous? A general view that cash makes things impersonal? Etc.

I find it particularly interesting since it appears that the general consensus that any type of non-cash gifts/contributions are okay and welcome, but cash is a heated gray area.

I hope I wrote this post as innocently as I intend it to be. There are lots of social explanations I can come up with, but I am sincerely interested in hearing other people''s thoughts.

 

[neatfreak]

First, I think cash gifts are fine but there is a difference between forcing people to pay to dance with the bride and someone choosing to gift the couple cash instead of a tangible gift. I look at a wedding like a party I am hosting. I wouldn''t expect a guest to come to my house and pay for their drinks, parking, food, dancing, whatever, so why would a wedding be any different? That''s how I view it, at my wedding I was the hostess and therefore should take care of my guests.

 

[katamari]

This makes sense, neatfreak. I also tend to be an inclusive host at other parties. However, I do sometimes have BYOBs or potlucks and don''t have problems with them (not that I would do this for a wedding, though).

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 11/23/2008 10:04:18 PM
Author: katamari
This makes sense, neatfreak. I also tend to be an inclusive host at other parties. However, I do sometimes have BYOBs or potlucks and don''t have problems with them (not that I would do this for a wedding, though).

I think BYOB''s and potlucks are a different animal. Those parties people know and expect ahead of time that it is a joint effort to host the event.

 

[Kaleigh]

I can only speak from experience. None of the weddings we have been to asked us to pay for our drinks, nor was there a money dance. I never knew there was such a thing until I came on PS. We been married for 22 years, things change. But I don''t love this idea. I''d scrimp on other things so that your guests don''t have to pony up and have to pay. JMHO... To each his own.

 

[Octavia]

I have no problem giving cash as a wedding gift, and will have no problem receiving it if people feel that generous at my wedding. However, it would make me uncomfortable for the exchange of cash to be visible -- it's one thing to put a check or cash inside a card and leave it on the gift table or in a card box, but quite another for the entire room to see greenbacks changing hands.

Overall, it seems to me that money in general is a pretty fraught topic, especially with the current state of the economy. Thinking about money doesn't make most people happy, and weddings are supposed to be happy occasions, so it's hard to reconcile those two things. I don't want anyone (least of all me and FI) thinking about how much our wedding cost, or how much the gifts cost, or any of that unpleasant stuff on the day. And at least when there's enough to keep people occupied, I do believe in "out of sight, out of mind," so it seems like a very real reason to avoid any hint of money. If that means keeping tip jars off the counters and choosing a venue with plentiful, close, free parking, that's what I'll do.

Long story short: to me, it's not cash itself that causes a problem, but the unpleasant thoughts the sight of money can stir up. I prefer to keep it under wraps, whether I'm a guest or host.

ETA: I do make an exception for culturally based money exchanges, such as the dollar dance when it's done as a true tradition. It's actually done in my FI's culture so I understand why it is special to some people, but we're not doing one because we're getting married here, not in his home country. We both felt like we'd be uncomfortable with it.

 

[palomablancabride]

I come from a mid to lower middle class family and grew up in a blue collar neighborhood and the thought of money at a wedding doesn''t make me feel uncomfortable. I think I''ve been to two weddings with dollar dances, and I wasn''t shocked and appalled the first time I saw one. I was a bridesmaid in that wedding, and I think I gave a dollar to dance really silly with the bride and another one of our friends. It was all really very fun.

Yes, we are hosts, and don''t ask our guests to pay for their meals or their alcohol, but those who are from out of town have to foot the bill for transportation and for lodging and any other expenses related to travelling for attending our big day.

Now that I''m planning my own wedding, which FI and I are paying for, I am even more aware of just how much money goes into the big day. A recently engaged friend of mine told me that she and her FI are going to offer a cash bar. I wasn''t phased. I later asked FI, which would you prefer "No bar or a cash bar?" And of course he said a cash bar.

 

[katamari]

Thanks to all of you for weighing in so far. Like palomablancabride, my first thought was that maybe it was a class issue, and I tend to agree. But, like Octavia, I also thought that there was something about tangible currency and our mainstream American views on the role of cash in defining social relations. And, I also agree that it could be perceived as trying to pass on some costs to your guests, so you can have a more opulent event than you can actually afford, which is distasteful.

Anyways, I really appreciate hearing from everyone. My inner-geek is much more fascinated by the sociocultural aspects of wedding planning than the color swatches aspects.

 

[cara]

Its really a cultural thing. If its part of your traditions to do a dollar dance or some such, then its not so bad. But its certainly does come off a bit tacky if its a tradition not common among your guests that you pick up.

Also whether one gives a physical object or a paper object with monetary value as a wedding gift is cultural. Chinese wedding = $$ in red envelope. NYC wedding = $$ standard for wedding, physical objects for showers/engagement parties, and registry gifts allowed maybe. Certain parts of the South = china etc. not $$, that''s tacky. Generalizing here.

So like any cultural thing, a little bit of accommodation is needed for cross cultural groupings. As a bride and groom, you are supposed to not expect a particular thing for your gift and do your best not to judge gifts as tacky, even if Aunt Milda gave you the tackiest napkins. For gift-givers, you are obliged to think about what your recipient might want and try to please them. Which might mean not giving whatever is a traditional gift to you ($$ or candlesticks or whatnot) if you think they don''t want that but rather something they do want.

My bright line is asking guests to pay for their own food and drink at the reception, even though that too is common in some regions. Search on "cash bar" and you''ll get an eyeful of opinions. Similar to neatfreak, I think hosts should host and guests should eat, drink and be merry and not have to worry about buying their drinks. Potlucks and going-out-with-friends have their place, but not at a wedding.

Things like parking I am ambivalent on, depending on the situation. If it is straightforward for the hosts to take care of parking, ie. pay for everyone in their party in advance without jumping through lots of hoops to make sure they pay for their guests and not other random people, then they should do that. But if its too much hassle (no good way to mark wedding guests/make a list/pay for street parking) then guests should be adults and take care of their own transport needs.

 

[Pandora II]

In the same way that I wouldn't expect my guests to pay for anything more than their mode of transport to a dinner party at my home, I wouldn't expect them to have to pay for anything at my wedding.

Parking was something people did have to pay for at my wedding as the carpark was not owned by/exclusive to the venue ($4 for a whole day) - but those who were members of English Heritage could park for free and I'd guess a fair number of our guests were members.

We were given a few cheques as wedding gifts which was very nice - but I would never have asked for money. In fact I went crazy at our gift list store because they put gift-vouchers as an option on my registry.

I'm in the UK and here I would guess it's a mix of social class/tradition as to how much 'cash' one should bring to a wedding. I come from an upper middle-class background and things like cash-bars are unheard of - however, so are open bars on the whole. It is normal just to serve wine, soft drinks and maybe beer. I served sparkling and still wine throughout, a selection of soft drinks and a dessert wine with the cake.

I've been to weddings of friends who come from lower-middle to middle-class backgrounds and there it's about 50/50. Weddings of working-class friends have tended to have an open bar.

When I lived in Italy I went to a lot of weddings and never saw a cash bar.

I would always take the couple's situation into account when thinking about these things. If my extremely wealthy cousin had had a cash bar at his wedding, I would have raised an eyebrow, but if my poor-as-church-mice friends were to have one, I wouldn't.

On the whole though I think anything involving cash and guests is to be avoided.

 

[doodle]

i, too, find the sociological aspect of weddings fascinating! My family is Irish-Italian, predominantly Catholic, and we live in the Southeast US. Based on familial influence alone, weddings must be LOADED with food and drink, but based on the region where we live, to quote my mother, "you don''t discuss money in mixed company", and for the love of all things holy, if you can''t even discuss it, definitely don''t whip out a handful of it at a wedding!

With those factors in place, we knew a bar was a must but a cash bar would be a huge taboo, so we sought a venue that would allow us to purchase our own alcohol, thus making it more affordable.

Personally, I''m of the "when in Rome" mindset and would have no problem whatsoever with a cash bar, money dance, etc. at a wedding if that were the tradition, but I''d be highly offended by it if it were obvious that the couple did it just to transfer the spending of a few bucks from their wallet to mine--they''re hosting! Case in point: I have seen one, and only one, cash bar wedding where I live, and every guest at that wedding complained about the cash bar, particularly after the toasts, during which the bridal party was going through bottles of champagne in front of everyone while all the rest of us were served water. It was like watching someone''s wedding on tv--we weren''t made a part of the festivities at all, and it felt insulting to stand there and watch them have a grand old time and know the couple had made no effort whatsoever to tend to the guests. At one point, the groom was standing at our table chatting and drinking a beer and made a comment about how he was glad that his drinks from the bar were free and then said "sucks to be you guys!"

those are pretty much the ONLY details i remember from that entire wedding, sadly enough.

 

[bee*]

I really think that where you come from determines things. I''m in Ireland where the majority of people seem to give money as gifts so it doesn''t bother me at all to do the same. Also for drinks, wine, beer etc are provided up until after the dinner and then there''s a cash bar for the remainder of the evening. All the weddings that I''ve been to have been the same.

 

[katamari]

Date: 11/23/2008 11:04:29 PM
Author: Octavia
I have no problem giving cash as a wedding gift, and will have no problem receiving it if people feel that generous at my wedding. However, it would make me uncomfortable for the exchange of cash to be visible -- it''s one thing to put a check or cash inside a card and leave it on the gift table or in a card box, but quite another for the entire room to see greenbacks changing hands.


Overall, it seems to me that money in general is a pretty fraught topic, especially with the current state of the economy. Thinking about money doesn''t make most people happy, and weddings are supposed to be happy occasions, so it''s hard to reconcile those two things. I don''t want anyone (least of all me and FI) thinking about how much our wedding cost, or how much the gifts cost, or any of that unpleasant stuff on the day. And at least when there''s enough to keep people occupied, I do believe in ''out of sight, out of mind,'' so it seems like a very real reason to avoid any hint of money. If that means keeping tip jars off the counters and choosing a venue with plentiful, close, free parking, that''s what I''ll do.


Long story short: to me, it''s not cash itself that causes a problem, but the unpleasant thoughts the sight of money can stir up. I prefer to keep it under wraps, whether I''m a guest or host.


ETA: I do make an exception for culturally based money exchanges, such as the dollar dance when it''s done as a true tradition. It''s actually done in my FI''s culture so I understand why it is special to some people, but we''re not doing one because we''re getting married here, not in his home country. We both felt like we''d be uncomfortable with it.

Fascinating point. I wonder if we will start feeling the same about lavishness?

 

[katamari]

Date: 11/24/2008 4:36:53 AM
Author: cara
Its really a cultural thing. If its part of your traditions to do a dollar dance or some such, then its not so bad. But its certainly does come off a bit tacky if its a tradition not common among your guests that you pick up.


Also whether one gives a physical object or a paper object with monetary value as a wedding gift is cultural. Chinese wedding = $$ in red envelope. NYC wedding = $$ standard for wedding, physical objects for showers/engagement parties, and registry gifts allowed maybe. Certain parts of the South = china etc. not $$, that''s tacky. Generalizing here.


So like any cultural thing, a little bit of accommodation is needed for cross cultural groupings. As a bride and groom, you are supposed to not expect a particular thing for your gift and do your best not to judge gifts as tacky, even if Aunt Milda gave you the tackiest napkins. For gift-givers, you are obliged to think about what your recipient might want and try to please them. Which might mean not giving whatever is a traditional gift to you ($$ or candlesticks or whatnot) if you think they don''t want that but rather something they do want.


My bright line is asking guests to pay for their own food and drink at the reception, even though that too is common in some regions. Search on ''cash bar'' and you''ll get an eyeful of opinions. Similar to neatfreak, I think hosts should host and guests should eat, drink and be merry and not have to worry about buying their drinks. Potlucks and going-out-with-friends have their place, but not at a wedding.


Things like parking I am ambivalent on, depending on the situation. If it is straightforward for the hosts to take care of parking, ie. pay for everyone in their party in advance without jumping through lots of hoops to make sure they pay for their guests and not other random people, then they should do that. But if its too much hassle (no good way to mark wedding guests/make a list/pay for street parking) then guests should be adults and take care of their own transport needs.

All interesting. Any insight on where registries came from, then? Reading your post made me think about that.

 

[katamari]

Date: 11/24/2008 9:30:30 AM
Author: doodle
i, too, find the sociological aspect of weddings fascinating! My family is Irish-Italian, predominantly Catholic, and we live in the Southeast US. Based on familial influence alone, weddings must be LOADED with food and drink, but based on the region where we live, to quote my mother, ''you don''t discuss money in mixed company'', and for the love of all things holy, if you can''t even discuss it, definitely don''t whip out a handful of it at a wedding!

With those factors in place, we knew a bar was a must but a cash bar would be a huge taboo, so we sought a venue that would allow us to purchase our own alcohol, thus making it more affordable.


Personally, I''m of the ''when in Rome'' mindset and would have no problem whatsoever with a cash bar, money dance, etc. at a wedding if that were the tradition, but I''d be highly offended by it if it were obvious that the couple did it just to transfer the spending of a few bucks from their wallet to mine--they''re hosting! Case in point: I have seen one, and only one, cash bar wedding where I live, and every guest at that wedding complained about the cash bar, particularly after the toasts, during which the bridal party was going through bottles of champagne in front of everyone while all the rest of us were served water. It was like watching someone''s wedding on tv--we weren''t made a part of the festivities at all, and it felt insulting to stand there and watch them have a grand old time and know the couple had made no effort whatsoever to tend to the guests. At one point, the groom was standing at our table chatting and drinking a beer and made a comment about how he was glad that his drinks from the bar were free and then said ''sucks to be you guys!''

those are pretty much the ONLY details i remember from that entire wedding, sadly enough.

Wow! I honestly cannot believe that. There is some guest stratification with the seating, and the bridal party. But, actually doing it with resource distribution--that is crazy! Very sociological fascinating, but must have sucked to be there.

I also wonder how these cultures get articulated to guests. It almost makes me feel like there should be explanations in the program. I have seen this in weddings where the vast majority of the guests are of a different culture than the bride and groom, but it may be taken for granted that all guests are familiar with "American" traditions when they seem to be strongly regional and ethnic.

 

[katamari]

Date: 11/24/2008 12:01:43 PM
Author: bee*
I really think that where you come from determines things. I''m in Ireland where the majority of people seem to give money as gifts so it doesn''t bother me at all to do the same. Also for drinks, wine, beer etc are provided up until after the dinner and then there''s a cash bar for the remainder of the evening. All the weddings that I''ve been to have been the same.

Also interesting, but in this case it is the standardness. Thanks for sharing, bee*.

 

[katamari]

Thanks everyone! I have really enjoyed all your posts on this.