Coping with verbal aggression

[Jambalaya]

How do you cope with unexpected verbal aggression from family, friends, acquaintances? I haven't included work colleagues, because I go to my boss or HR if someone lashes out at me at work, and that's always solved the problem. But sometimes the people I'm closest to lash out for no reason, and it REALLY HURTS. The reason it hurts is because I don't think that anyone who really cares about a person would lash out for no reason. That's not love, or caring, and I believe that it's in those moments that you see how little you really matter to someone.

Yesterday, a friend was having a problem so I made a suggestion and she said she wasn't looking for suggestions. OK, no problem, so I listened for a bit and then said something that wasn't a suggestion, and she says, rudely, "I don't need you to state the obvious." I brought it up with her today and she only said she was sorry that I thought she was rude. Not sorry that she WAS rude. I mean, no problem, but if my feelings mean so little to her, why are we friends?

I was dating someone recently and we were on the phone, and he suddenly says, in a really rude tone, "I'm bored with this conversation." Another time recently, he had come over to help me with my Twitter, but I had lost the login, and he got really annoyed about that too. "I'm just going to go!" I said yes, I think you'd better. All for no reason!

I don't care if these people don't like me and don't want to be around me - that's fine - but why keep dating me or being my friend if they like me so little that they want to lash out? I don't lash out at the people I'm close to, because I care about them.

How do YOU react if someone you care about and you thought cares about you basically speaks to you like you're a piece of dirt? Do you take it personally? Or do you basically expect nothing from anyone?

My dad was always very rude, as was his mother, and I had a sibling who was just the same. "Bypassed charm school," as an old boss of mine would say. Maybe I just gravitate toward rude people because that's what I knew. I certainly seem to know more than my fair share of verbally aggressive people.

How do YOU handle unexpected verbal aggression from people you assumed care about you?

 

[Karl_K]

Another time recently, he had come over to help me with my Twitter, but I had lost the login, and he got really annoyed about that too. "I'm just going to go!" I said yes, I think you'd better. All for no reason!

That is really really annoying.
If they told me they forgot the login I would walk them through recovering it on the phone.
They call me over for it if they are a paying client they get a 1 hour bill for a 5 minute recovery.
If it is someone who I am not getting paid and just took my time and gas to go over there, yea they might get "I'm just going to go!" for being very inconsiderate.

 

[Matata]

I don't interpret being rude to me upon occasion as someone not caring for me. The first thing I do is assume that the person is having a bad day. After a bit of time has passed, I bring up the situation and ask if the person was having a bad day and explain that I felt I was treated rudely. For those who are repeatedly rude, I end the relationship because it's not worth the effort to sustain such a lopsided relationship.

 

[Karl_K]

Yesterday, a friend was having a problem so I made a suggestion and she said she wasn't looking for suggestions. OK, no problem, so I listened for a bit and then said something that wasn't a suggestion, and she says, rudely, "I don't need you to state the obvious."

I have to watch this one with my wifey I'm one who talks my problems out loud to myself and she is the type who bless her wants to solve everyone's problems.

Sometimes people just don't want help and get annoyed when its offered.
By the sounds of what you posted you were not respecting her request not to butt in and you were not totally innocent either.

 

[winnietucker]

I tend to just brush it off. I don’t take that personally. I know that sometimes people lash out and I don’t always think it’s reflective of how they feel about you. Especially if it doesn’t happen often. But I will also distance myself from anyone who I think doesn’t treat me well too.

 

[Bron357]

Always consider “is it me or is it something else and Im bearing the brunt of it”.
Unfortunately our loved ones, close friends often feel more comfortable “letting of stream” to us rather than colleagues or even perhaps the person who has caused this “anger”.
Im if the opinion that misdirected anger is not acceptable and I will “pull up” straight away the person who is speaking inappropriately to me. I will remind them that their voice or language has become unpleasant and I’m not liking it. I will remind that that if they are cranky or whatever, not to “take it out on me thank you very much” but do they want to talk about what’s behind their mood?
Sometimes people don’t realise that they have become short and abrupt with their words and it’s upsetting the receiver, so that’s why I make sure I express myself so they know how I’m feeling.
Its ok to vent with someone but not at someone!

 

[Jambalaya]

That is really really annoying.
If they told me they forgot the login I would walk them through recovering it on the phone.
They call me over for it if they are a paying client they get a 1 hour bill for a 5 minute recovery.
If it is someone who I am not getting paid and just took my time and gas to go over there, yea they might get "I'm just going to go!" for being very inconsiderate.

Um, he's my boyfriend, and it took me all of 2 mins to remember my log-in. There was no gas; he lives a five-minute walk from me. He continued to be annoyed after I had remembered my log-in. Again, not sure what my crime was apart from forgetting my log-in for 2 mins.

 

[Jambalaya]

Sometimes people just don't want help and get annoyed when its offered.
By the sounds of what you posted you were not respecting her request not to butt in and you were not totally innocent either.

Well, I honored her request not to give suggestions, and so I mirrored back what she had said to show active listening - it's a recommended listening technique - and got slammed for that, too. Not sure what I was supposed to say? If I'd kept silent, that would have been wrong, too. As it happens, she then made a bad decision, which could have been avoided if she had allowed me to speak. I could have calmed her down.

 

[Karl_K]

Um, he's my boyfriend, and it took me all of 2 mins to remember my log-in. There was no gas; he lives a five-minute walk from me.

In that case he was acting like a jerk.

 

[Jambalaya]

I don't interpret being rude to me upon occasion as someone not caring for me.

I feel differently, I think because I don't lash out at people I care about. I really don't. If I give in to the urge to lash out at someone, it's because inside I don't like them and don't ultimately care what they think. Caring for someone but then lashing out at them doesn't compute for me. (I know it's different for everyone - I'm just saying that things are this way for me.)

Also, in that moment where they lash out, they sound SO hostile and SO mean that it really puts me off them.

 

[Jambalaya]

In that case he was acting like a jerk.

Right, and it wouldn't be the first time, either.

I'm so tired of some peple.

 

[Karl_K]

Well, I honored her request not to give suggestions, and so I mirrored back what she had said to show active listening - it's a recommended listening technique - and got slammed for that, too. Not sure what I was supposed to say? If I'd kept silent, that would have been wrong, too. As it happens, she then made a bad decision, which could have been avoided if she had allowed me to speak. I could have calmed her down.

I would recommend if possible just saying ok I will leave you to it(to go get a coffee or how ever you want to say it), and leave.
That's what I do if someone says they do not want suggestions.

 

[Jambalaya]

For those who are repeatedly rude,

Well, that's the thing - the people who lash out at me are always repeat offenders, I find. I have other people close to me who have never spoken to me horribly without provocation, and would never do so, I believe. I find they either never do it, or are repeat offenders. I don't think I've ever had a situation where someone has only done it once. And I don't let them get away with it, either. I do talk to them about it at a later date, mostly. Doesn't make any difference in the medium or long term.

I think some people are just disrespectful in general. I tend to assume that most people are living with challenges of some sort, so I tend to err toward kindness, and it really hurts when someone is mean for NO reason. I could understand it if we were in the middle of an argument and things were getting heated, or if I'd done something to deserve irritation, like being late. But the times that upset me are when - pouf! - it's out of the blue. It makes me feel seriously under-valued in the relationship.

Writing all this out makes me realize how, for some people, angry/harsh words can really affect a relationship. For me, it erodes my trust in their feelings for me.

 

[Jambalaya]

I would recommend if possible just saying ok I will leave you to it(to go get a coffee or how ever you want to say it), and leave.
That's what I do if someone says they do not want suggestions.

Yeah, in future if someone says they don't want suggestions, I'll take that as I should probably exit this conversation gracefully.

 

[nala]

I lost a friend bc she lashed out and I walked out bc I was honestly shaken. She really crossed my boundaries. A few days later, I gave her the benefit of the doubt bc I knew she was going through a lot. But she lashed out again and said I was a bad friend. We both lost a friendship of 20 years over her lashing out which in retrospect, was her way of ending things.

Immediate Family lash outs I forgive bc I’m pretty sure they go both ways and I usually have context.

 

[Tayberry]

I'm so sorry this happened, conflict is hard. I love the book 'Non-Violent Communication' by Marshall B. Rosenberg for perspective.

 

[Jambalaya]

I tend to just brush it off. I don’t take that personally. I know that sometimes people lash out and I don’t always think it’s reflective of how they feel about you. Especially if it doesn’t happen often. But I will also distance myself from anyone who I think doesn’t treat me well too.

Thanks, winnie. I think, for me, it's the tone that's hard to forget. In dating relationships, it especially puts me off because I always imagine that any rudeness would only get worse with time and certainly worse with marriage.

Perhaps I should stop taking it so personally. Some people are just rude! Probably the same to everyone.

 

[nala]

I want to add. Recently, I was a smart ass to a friend and very direct, which she mistook as verbal aggression—prob my tone and the fact that my words were so honest. She waited two weeks to lash out on me and say that I was a bad friend. I listened and was baffled and realized that in her world, I had to keep my unsolicited opinions to myself. I’m glad we clarified our expectations of friendship and now we are not close, just acquaintances. I guess that we can’t please everyone but we have the choice to walk away when we feel that our boundaries are being crossed.

 

[Jambalaya]

Always consider “is it me or is it something else and Im bearing the brunt of it”.
Unfortunately our loved ones, close friends often feel more comfortable “letting of stream” to us rather than colleagues or even perhaps the person who has caused this “anger”.
Im if the opinion that misdirected anger is not acceptable and I will “pull up” straight away the person who is speaking inappropriately to me. I will remind them that their voice or language has become unpleasant and I’m not liking it. I will remind that that if they are cranky or whatever, not to “take it out on me thank you very much” but do they want to talk about what’s behind their mood?
Sometimes people don’t realise that they have become short and abrupt with their words and it’s upsetting the receiver, so that’s why I make sure I express myself so they know how I’m feeling.
Its ok to vent with someone but not at someone!

This is good advice; thank you Bron. The person sounds so nasty in that moment than I have tended to bring it up later, but perhaps I should call them on it immediately.

Now that I'm "writing out loud," though, the more I think about it the more I realize that me calling them out doesn't fix it. They just do it again another time. I guess it's THEM, and no amount of calling them out is going to fix the fact that, ultimately, deep down, they feel it's OK to lash out. Deep down, I do NOT feel it's OK, so I don't do it.

Perhaps I'll just leave my relationships with the lashers-out. I think it's a deal-breaker for me, considering that it's never just once.

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm so sorry this happened, conflict is hard. I love the book 'Non-Violent Communication' by Marshall B. Rosenberg for perspective.

Thank you very much, Tayberry. I might just read that book. And yes, it IS hard, especially when it comes out of nowhere.

 

[Jambalaya]

I lost a friend bc she lashed out and I walked out bc I was honestly shaken. She really crossed my boundaries. A few days later, I gave her the benefit of the doubt bc I knew she was going through a lot. But she lashed out again and said I was a bad friend. We both lost a friendship of 20 years over her lashing out which in retrospect, was her way of ending things.

Immediate Family lash outs I forgive bc I’m pretty sure they go both ways and I usually have context.

Nala, that's SUCH a pity that a lost friendship occurred through lashing out. That's really sad. I know what you mean about feeling shaken - I feel shaken by it too, when it happens. It's out of nowhere, from someone you least expect it from, and it's pretty shocking when it happens. You expect it from people you're not close to and have no reason to suppose they care about you, like work colleagues, but in voluntary relationships, it's like, "Maybe you'd be happier hanging around with someone who doesn't make you want to lash out??" I would hate being around someone who made me want to snap at them. In fact, I do my very best not to spend time with people who make me want to snap at them!

I guess I just truly don't understand it.

 

[Jambalaya]

I want to add. Recently, I was a smart ass to a friend and very direct, which she mistook as verbal aggression—prob my tone and the fact that my words were so honest. She waited two weeks to lash out on me and say that I was a bad friend. I listened and was baffled and realized that in her world, I had to keep my unsolicited opinions to myself. I’m glad we clarified our expectations of friendship and now we are not close, just acquaintances. I guess that we can’t please everyone but we have the choice to walk away when we feel that our boundaries are being crossed.

Nala, is this the same person you talked about in your first post?

Some people are very sensitive about unsolicited opinions. Maybe it's triggering - like if they had overbearing parents. I guess we're all sensitive about different things.

 

[telephone89]

"people I'm closest to lash out for no reason"

I find it's rarely "no reason". Maybe it is something with them, maybe it is something with you, but either way, saying its for no reason is brushing the real issue under the rug.

It sounds like you take this sort of thing very personally, and even though it deeply bothers you, you go back again for more, perhaps hoping they will change. I think if this is affecting you so, you should set stricter boundaries and not let people use you as their punching bag!

 

[nala]

Nala, is this the same person you talked about in your first post?

Some people are very sensitive about unsolicited opinions. Maybe it's triggering - like if they had overbearing parents. I guess we're all sensitive about different things.

No. Not the same person.

 

[LilAlex]

It depends on the source and the frequency and the circumstances. Repeated and unprovoked = dealbreaker. The two examples in your first post -- game over. I'm sorry. I mean I would not necessarily eliminate them from my life but I would not make extra effort to keep them there.

 

[Mrsz1ppy]

I can relate. My history is that I had two narcissistic parents, confirmed dx by their psychiatrist whom I saw during their divorce when I was 29. I have trouble with boundaries and in the past have allowed inappropriate behavior towards me. 25 years of taking an antidepressant and I am good; no, great! And therapy…that helped, too. But reading quora everyday, about narcissistic parents, really helps me stay together, and it’s free. Today, no psychiatrist, still on meds, and happy!

 

[seaurchin]

I'm not there to see your exact situation/s so fwiw. Since these individuals speak down to you repeatedly, they might just be abusive types. Like a milder version of the proverbial wife beater. For ex., he has a hard day at work so when he gets home, she's in for it. Regardless of what she does or doesn't do. Rinse and repeat. There are a lot of people around like that imo. And if you come from a home where verbal abuse was common, it might take longer for you to recognize it for what it is.

Saying the wrong thing, forgetting something or other normal small errors do not give someone the right to disrespect you.

I'd suggest telling them, "Don't talk to me like that" or leaving immediately next time. Except that I doubt it would do any good, because normal people don't need to be taught not to mistreat you. In my experience, it might be best to just get rid of them.

It gets easier to recognize and cut off people like that sooner, after a little practice imo. That also leaves space in your life for people who do treat you well. That's been my experience. Now it doesn't take much verbal aggression from someone before I cut ties with them. I'd rather be by myself than with anyone who repeatedly makes me feel bad.

 

[missy]

Everyone has a bad day. Everyone has lashed out at some time or another as none of us are perfect.

However, If this is a pattern that is different. if you feel this individual is being rude (on a continual basis) or abusive that is a different story.

I can tell the difference and with time I believe it becomes easier to distinguish someone having a bad day and someone who has a pattern of behaving rudely and lashing out and taking it out on others. The former is acceptable and in fact, that is when they need their loved ones the most. To listen, support and just be there however you can. The latter is unacceptable and really you don't need that in your life.

Life is challenging and life is short. I choose to be with those who respect and love me and show kindness and caring. I choose not to surround myself with people who behave otherwise with me. It's really that simple for me. It can take time for people to show who they are but once they do you can bet I am paying attention.

Remember we cannot control others. But we can control our reaction and what we do in response.
We choose our friends.

 

[qubitasaurus]

I guess it might help to ask did they mean to be cruel or were they just cruel off the cuff because they were having a bad day or they mis-spoke.

If the latter it should happen rarely enough, that ideally you'd just brush it off.

If the former and they really directly meant their words to sting, then remember the emotional reaction is a physiological one. You need to first concentrate on something mechanical like deep breathing to break the chain of the physiological response, and get your sense of calm back. Then you can hopefully step back and deconstruct. Are they an a** hole? Lol sorry but sometimes thats the complete answer. Can you limit interaction or take it over a call where you can put them on speaker and walk away to do something else -- blame it on connection if you miss something? Finally do you need them in your life as closely as you currently have them?

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I haven’t read any of the replies, this is just my own personal experience.

I’ve had “friends” who I didn’t realize were not acting the part in the moment, but when I look back I can see that they treated me that way because I was the perfect victim, I dealt with it. In continuing to be friends with them I was communicating that their actions were acceptable. People will treat you poorly if you allow it.

I mostly got rid of anyone who acted like this and the one person who is still in my life went to therapy because he was brought up with way and didn’t realize how dysfunctional he was. See, that’s the thing is some people were brought up to think that treating people poorly is acceptable, because that’s how they were treated. It’s and endless cycle of abuse unless someone comes along and breaks the cycle.

Anyone who treats you in such a way is not worth your time. Now if someone (anyone really) treats me harshly or says something that hurts my feelings, I tell them it’s not acceptable. If it continues then I reconsider their place in my life.