Contribution to wedding costs...Need Opinions.

[ams0124]

This could get long...But if you make it through I would love some advice.

I feel like I''m in a weird situation between my mom and FFIL regarding paying for the wedding...or maybe I''m not in a weird situation and I''m making this more complicated then it has to be...but that''s why I need your opinions...

My mom is a successful career woman. Who has worked very hard to be in the upper-middle class. She''s not a millionaire by any means but she can afford to buy nice things when she wants and take nice trips when she wants. Anyway, my mom has graciously offered to pay for the wedding. She has told FI and I that she expects to pay anywhere between 25K and 27K but wouldn''t be surprised if the total came close to 30K. So pretty much she''s set her budget at 30K tops. Her thinking is that a wedding shouldn''t be all about how much we spend and shouldn''t be dictated by a budget. She wants FI and I to have the wedding that we''ve always dreamed of. She has said that the budget is dependent on what we would like to have at our wedding (within reason of course...No platinum here).

Now here''s where my complicated situation starts...

FI''s father has told FI that he would like to also help pay for our wedding. He has also mentioned this to FSIL, his parents, his siblings, and several others in our family. FI''s father has been very lucky in the professional world. He started, operated, and eventually sold a very successful Oil & Gas comp which has left him a very wealthy man (I''m telling you all this because I think it can be related to my situation). I also find his offer extremely gracious, and FI and I are very blessed that both of our parents are in a position where we are able to afford a wedding of this particular size and calibre.

However, I''m feeling that by excepting money from FI''s father would be indirectly telling my mom that what she has offered isn''t quite good enough and we need more money...Am I off by thinking that? I know that FI''s father wants to be involved more than just the traditional rehearsal dinner, but I''m not sure how to approach that. I want to do this tastefully and not hurt anyone''s feelings, or alternatively come across as the bride who will take any money if it''s offered.

Has anyone ever come across this? Have both parents contributed to the wedding costs...if so how was that split? I feel like it''s going to be hard enough for me to feel ok with spending my mom''s money let alone FFIL''s money too.

Am I way off base here? Please tell me if I''m over thinking this...

 

[neatfreak]

How does mom feel about it?

I think you are overthinking things. Just pick a few items and let FIL pay for them. They could even be the "traditional" things that a groom's family pays for. I doubt your mom will feel insulted if you say that it was really important for FIL to help pay for a few things. I think it does get a bit more sticky if you put all the cash into a wedding pot though, mom then might feel like her $ wasn't enough. But if FIL pays for say the rehearsal dinner and photography or something as a gift to you guys, I doubt mom will be offended.

Hope that makes sense.

ETA: If you want to stick to tradition, here is a list of things the groom's family pays for. Antiquated certainly, but could help in the event that mom feels slighted. http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/etiquette/grooms/expenses.htm

 

[bee*]

I''d say it to your mum and see what she says. I''m sure that she wouldn''t mind your FFIL paying for the photographer or for some other things on the day.

 

[ams0124]

neatfreak: Thank you for your response. I couldn''t get a good read about what my mom''s thoughts are. The other day FI, me, and my mom were discusing the budget and FI brought up that FIL would like to help if he could, my mom just kinda blew it off...not in a mean way just in a "well that''s a really nice offer" way...She hasn''t said anything about it since. Thanks for that link...I wasn''t aware that the grooms family is "supposed" to pay for the flowers...That actually suprised me. I think having him pay for the photographer is a really good idea. That''s a pretty significant part of the day...good pictures are really important to me.

Bee*: Thanks for replying! I think you and neatfreak are right about the photographer. I don''t see my mom feeling insulted by FIL paying for that.

I think I''m going to have to dig a little more to see what exactly her feelings are about FIL contributing. That''s obviously step one.

 

[Bia]

I agree that it''s not that complicated.

If your wedding is going to go over 30K (which it easily could) then its great that your FFIL is gladly offering to help out. I would choose certain things that might take you a bit over budget...maybe the band (if you''re having one--which are very $$) or flowers...or photographer? He can pick up the tab for certain items and your mom can still feel like she is giving you the wedding of your dreams.

Your mom is your mom and knows you better than most...I don''t think she''ll object to an arragement like this, especially because she wants you and FI to be happy.

You''re going to have a beautiful wedding...enjoy the planning!

 

[supergirl10]

If I were you, I would just explain to your mother that FFIL would like to contribute towards the wedding and let her know what these things will be. Im sure she will understand that he wants to contribute towards his son''s wedding. But if you are concerned about offending your mother I would ask him to pay for things like the limos, bar tab, honeymoon or items like that. Items like your dress, parts of the reception venue/ hire, flowers are something that i imagine a mother would feel more sentimental about.

Well from my personal experience, in Australia the cost are generally split 50/50 between the bride and grooms family or the couple finance the wedding themselves or some combination of the above.

My parents would really like to do it this way: they contribute 1/3 and have a set amount aside to contribute. Since FMIL and FFIL are divorced they would both like to contribute and their total donated ironically will add up to approximately what my parents are contributing. Therefore my parents contribute 1/3, FFIL contributes 1/6, FMIL contributes 1/6 and we contribute 1/3 or the remainding amount. I really felt uncomfortable appropriating the other two parties to discuss this and thankfully they have just offered a set amount.

Hope this helps.

 

[EyeElle]

I think today its very normal to have both families offer to pay for the wedding of their children.
Just as your mother wanted to contribute, so does his father. Usually its a 50/50 thing, but not everyone is in the same financial situation, so if one parent gives more then the other, it shoudn''t be looked at right away as one trying to out-do the other.

Be happy you are in such a situation that involves too many people trying to offer you all this money for your wedding

 

[Dreamgirl]

Gee...you are one lucky girl to have 2 people offering to pay for your wedding. And at 30k!!! My God woman! I''ll try to do my wedding UNDER 10k. But I will more than likely pay for it myself too (maybe with just a little help from my family and his.)

Anyway, why not have both pay half? This way they both feel included and still get to pay. Several people have done this in the past. I don''t see anything wrong with that. Just tell your Mom that his Dad would like to pay for some of the wedding and you are going to agree to it so that they both pay half.

 

[ams0124]

Bia: Thank you for the ideas on how to include FIL. I knew this wasn''t going to be that complicated, and the more I read over my post the more I realize that. I''ve always been a people pleaser and I tend to over analyze situations like this for that reason. I always tell people to "just breate" I think I need to take my own advice yeah?

Sugargirl: It sounds like you have a good handle on who''s contributing what...I''m sure that''s nice and in my opinion less stressful. Your right about approching my mom very directly with exactly what FIL would like to and plans to pay for. It takes the complication out of the whole thing...then everyone is happy.

EyeElle: I agree that it seems to be the norm that both parents contribute to the wedding costs, and when explained that way I don''t think my mom will be in the slightest bit offended. I don''t think it''s an issue of one set of parents trying to out-do the other. I just don''t want my mom to feel that I don''t appreciate her contribution or feel like what she is able to contribute isn''t enough...regardless if I were to accept 1K or 100K from FIL. I don''t want her to feel that I''m looking for more...If that makes sense. I''m extremely happy, greatful, humbled, etc. that I have two wonderful families willing to contribute money to FI and I''s special day. I would feel the same regardless of the amount. I''m a very lucky person

 

[dcgator]

Maybe this is just my particular situation, but I think if you told mom she could keep $15,000 for another vacation, or even use it for somthing else, like your honeymoon, I don''t think she would be offended.

In my situation, my parents are paying for the wedding, and my parents are divorced. Initially, my mom agreed to give $XX for the wedding, b/c we weren''t sure my father would contribute. He actually ended up contributing some $ (nice surprise), so my mom said to try not to spend all her contributed amount, since I have additional cash flow.

I don''t think you mom should be insulted that she doesn''t have to fork over $30k, but rather could save herself $15k, but, like other posters have said, you know your mom and how she would react.

Also, unlike other posters, I think you will find it very difficult to have one person pay for something, then the other, etc. I would go for the $ in a pot thing so you don''t have to constantly be asking different people to reimburse you or pay vendors. I just feel that gets very tricky, IMO

Either way,it''s nice to hear that have support from both sides and instead of stressing about it, be

 

[cara]

What a wonderful problem to have!

Just start out by telling your mother that your FI's father also wants to contribute and assign him some of the traditional items for the groom's family to cover... Rehearsal dinner, photographer, honeymoon, tux rentals, etc. Try to reserve your mother's contributions for the more integral things like catering at the reception and ceremony site fees.

Depending on where in the country you are, you could easily exceed $30k, but its a really nice amount to work with!

ETA: regarding what dcgator said about assigning who pays for what, it really depends upon whether your respective parents are the types to give you a check and let you spend it and sign contracts, or they want to directly write a check to a vendor for a specific item. If your parents just give you cash, that is much easier to deal with and then you don't have to worry about who pays for what. But not all parents are interested in operating that way!

 

[musey]

Date: 1/15/2009 12:48:11 PM
Author: bee*
I''d say it to your mum and see what she says. I''m sure that she wouldn''t mind your FFIL paying for the photographer or for some other things on the day.

I agree.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I think its really lovely to have both parents wanting to contribute like this. I think the best way to approach it again with your mom is to really emphasize that your FFIL really WANTS to contribute - almost make it sound like you and FI are accommodating him.

I also like the idea of having him pay for one or two specific things, as a gift to you too - that way its clear how much he wants to do it and shouldn''t be insulting to your mom at all