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swong50

Rough_Rock
Joined
May 1, 2003
Messages
1
I need your help!! My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and I am beginning to get restless. All of my friends and I mean all of my friends are engaged except for me. He says he wants to get married but I just don''t know, especially considering each of my friend have been togehter for less than 2 years. I think I am going to have a nervous break-down. I feel ashamed to talk to my friends about this because I don''t want to burden them with my unhappiness. Please help me, give me some advice.

swong
 

Colored Gemstone Nut

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Nov 21, 2002
Messages
2,324

----------------
On 5/1/2003 10:31:43 PM swong50 wrote:
I need your help!! My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and I am beginning to get restless. All of my friends and I mean all of my friends are engaged except for me. He says he wants to get married but I just don't know, especially considering each of my friend have been togehter for less than 2 years. I think I am going to have a nervous break-down. I feel ashamed to talk to my friends about this because I don't want to burden them with my unhappiness. Please help me, give me some advice.

swong----------------
Four Years? I think it might be a good idea to get some prelininary outlooks from your friends. They're your friends and they will be there for you regardless. personally if I had a friend going through the same situation you descirbe I would want them to seek my advice and would be there for them. As far as your boyfriend goes, When you state he wants to get married, have you both sat down and talked about this and what direction both your lives are going in and what direction you would like to see the relationship go. Maybe he is under the impression that you want to get married too, but is afraid to make the step. Only the both of you know what exist in your relationship, but maybe you should start stressing to him a little more about where you would like to see the relationship go. Four years is a good time frame to get to know one another and learn what the both of you will have to put up with for the rest of your lives. When I say put up with i am referring to the little quirks about one another that might bug you or him, but you guys are both willing to live with because many times these little things do not change. A compromise could happen and that's maybe what the both of you need to do is compromise on what both your thoughts are on getting married. Just my outlook, but elaborate a little and Im sure you will get some more feedback....

-Josh Rioux
Sitka, Alaska
 

DancinGirl

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 23, 2003
Messages
424
My friend is 28, her boyfriend is 30 - and they were together over 10 years and owned a house together until he finally proposed a week and a half ago!!! Over 10 YEARS! Can you believe that? I have NO idea how she could stick around through all that - but she did - and it finally paid off for her - he finally felt ready I guess.

Good luck!
 

jlim

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Apr 29, 2003
Messages
250
Here's what I think from a man's point of view.

Some men, myself included, I suspect have a comfort zone. If everything is working out fine and dandy, we are afraid to make a change or anything drastic to screw things up. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

If you are in a committed relationship, living together, sharing your feelings, supporting each other emotionally and all the good stuff, most likely your man does not feel the need to move on to the next step. If this is the case, you just need to let him know how you feel and how important you think marriage is to you esp. if you want to have children.

But it is also possibele he's not asking you to marry him because you are not the one for him and he's just waiting for someone else to come along OR he's waiting for you to break up with him. And since he's in his *comfort* zone, there's less incentive for him to break up with you.

Good luck. And if I were you, I wouldn't share it with your friends. Maybe your best friend or family. You wouldn't want too many *outsiders* to be involved in something that should be discuss bet. you and your bf.
 

Lanee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 29, 2003
Messages
534
Josh, good advice though what kind of counsel would she be looking for in her girlfriends? It's her relationship she will have to live with what hshe and he decide and I don't think trickery is every right in snagging some one.

Wow JLIM! As harsh as the second part of it was, he does have two good points. I know girls that this has happened to and then the ex- marries his next girlfriend in six months.

As for JLIM's first point, I was going to say something similar in that you should discuss it with him and if has no intention of making you his bride within what you deem acceptable conditions/time and that is what you want, are you willing to say goodbye or will you stay with him and keep waiting? What compromise will you accept to keep waiting for a ring? These are questions to ask yourself before discussing this with him. Also, be prepared to deal with cold feet, he might freak out but get over it in a few days and then welcome the idea. My FH and I discussed marriage agreed it was what we wanted, we bought a house and when it came down to "let's start saving for the big day" he panicked and two days later he was over it but I was heartborken for those two days.

My other comment is some guys are followers, what are his friends relationships like? Are they marrying, seriously dating or a bunch of singles happy with singledom? He might be holding out just not to be the one who gets married first because some circles view marriage as the ultimate sell out for a man.
 

Colored Gemstone Nut

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Nov 21, 2002
Messages
2,324

----------------
On 5/8/2003 5
3
0 PM Lanee wrote:
Josh, good advice though what kind of counsel would she be looking for in her girlfriends? It's her relationship she will have to live with what hshe and he decide and I don't think trickery is every right in snagging some one.

Lanee-I simply pointed this out because it seems she hasn't talked to anyone about how she feels her friends or her boyfriend. Lifelong best friends can be a good way to get feedback on how she feels because Im sure her friends know details aboiut the realtionship at hand although I point her directly to talking with her boyfriend as the most important option. Most importantly I think it should be her priority to communicate period in helping her resolve this issue. Trickery? I guess I don't know if you misinterpreted my reply. (1) Communicate. (2) If she feels a little uncomfortable about how to communicate maybe she can talk to her friends about input about how they resolve and communicate some of there problems that exist in their relationship. Sometimes people from the outside can see the situation as it truly is if its portrayed in a true light. If she is honest to her friends about her feelings they can give her feedback on that honesty, but without communcating period will lead to further frusteration....

-Josh In Sitka ----------------
 

Lanee

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 29, 2003
Messages
534
Josh, nicely elaborated. I thought you were advising her to ask her friends for suggestions on how to rope him in implying they used some technique she wasn't practicing. My bad.
 

homer_j

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 31, 2003
Messages
234
Don't ask your friends first. If he is that important, then approach him. Simply ask. Say something like, "Have you ever thought about us getting married?" See what he says. Guys do get comfortable, and if it aint broke, don't fix it. Sad to say but a lot marriages fail because of the stress of just being married and even worse, a lot don't even make it to the day because of the stress of planning a wedding. 4 years is a good time to start thinking about it, much better than after just 2. It takes a long time to really learn to love and fully understand someone. Marriage should be for life and not taken lightly.
 

MrsLincoln

Rough_Rock
Joined
Aug 18, 2003
Messages
2
Maybe hes waiting b/c all your friends will be getting married which means hectic time to plan yours along with theirs. Or maybe he just wants to wait till he can financially give you the wedding of your dreams. Try hinting to him instead of asking him straight out. Start doing really romantic stuff, making oogly eyes at the couple smooching in teh back of the restaurant. Etc. Or if your real desperate, propose to him!
 

princessangelyne

Rough_Rock
Joined
Sep 4, 2003
Messages
5
sheree: bottom line...don't be a victim. Decide on whether this is working for you and make a choice, don't settle and don't want what your friends have. Just decide for yourself, what would make you happy and go with it...you can never be wrong with your gut. In the end, always choose your own happiness before someone else's

good luck
 
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