Comments from friends about involvement w/ engagement?

[peonygirl]

I''m getting a lot of negative comments from friends and acquaintances when they found out that I helped pick out my engagement ring, i.e. "what''s the point of him even asking you now?" Frankly, I wish I hadn''t told anyone about it at this point. How are you gals dealing with this type of response? I''ve tried to tell them that I wanted to pick out the bands (DBF is picking out the center stone) because I have extremely picky taste in jewelery and I wanted to get something I *loved*, but that isn''t resonating too well. I don''t think it''s jealousy because it''s mostly from my guy friends.

 

[SoonIHope]

If it''s mostly from guy friends, I bet it''s just because they''re nervous about what that means for themselves when they propose. They have always thought that it was "supposed" to be a surprise, and intended to surprise their girlfriends with a ring they chose entirely on their own, and now they''re worrying that maybe that isn''t enough and that their girlfriends won''t necessarily love it. If they''ve already proposed, your involvement may feel like it''s telling them they didn''t do it "right" and their fiancees/wives must not truly love their engagement rings. In short, I think it''s 100% about their insecurities, and has nothing to do with you! So congratulations on having a boyfriend who is openminded enough to let you get EXACTLY what you want! And just be glad you ended up with him and not someone who would insist on surprising you with something you wouldn''t love.

 

[decodelighted]

I''m curious how old these fellas are ... seems they''re either young & naive or ancient & old fashioned. But I do agree that it''s 100% about THEM and their feelings of insecurity, doing things "right" (very youthful conceit) etc.

Anything that works for you guys is OK by me. I coordinated with my fiance for similar reasons and he was a) supportive b) relieved c) happy that I''m happy.

Though, now that I think about it, I didn''t really tell a lot of people DURING the process. When people SEE the ring though, they get the idea. "You helped pick it out, right?" ... but I take it as a compliment! (Even the appraiser said that ... I guess it looks pretty "specific" as rings go)

 

[princessv]

Well here''s my scenario: I was picky as all about the stone and my fiance and I picked it out together and viewed it together. The setting was what he picked out and I never really tried it on. One month after being engaged I confessed I really didn''t love it. In fact...I started to dislike it more and more. So fast forward one month and an allergy to the WG later and I''m getting it reset.

Problem is now I''m attached to the setting and won''t get rid of it for scrap metal value so I''m going to reset a colored stone into it and wear it sometimes.

I think your way helps save you some future heartache if you decide you aren''t happy with your ring...

 

[Caribou]

I think it's smart of your guy to want you to help pick out the setting. Just ignore your guy friends....I went with my FI to look at rings we both decided on a setting and I was still surprised when he proposed. Just because you know he's got the ring doesn't mean the way he proposes isn't going to be a surprise.

ETA: Really the only way one can be totally surprised is if you never have ever talked about getting married or engagement or anything of the like.

 

[AmberWaves]

My boyfriend and I just bought our setting on Saturday, and my boyfriend remarked, "I am so glad we went together, because I would have bought that solitaire". And I would have rather had something else! I think it''s fine, and I''m even helping PAY for my ring. Hey, if you want it done right, help do it!

 

[appletini]

I sometimes don''t mention my involvement and people assume my FI did very well on his own, or I tell them that we designed it together, which we did, and it doesn''t sound like I did all the work.

 

[Rhapsody]

I think some of the girls are being a little harsh. Women have the idea of their perfect engagement/ring/wedding in their head and guys do to. For a lot of guys it is very important to be able to pick out the ring and surprise their girlfriends and we have to remember that this isnt just about us.

My boyfriend was reluctant at first to let me help, and he usually refuses to pick out any gift for me I always tell him exactly what I want for birthdays or what not. But once he went out and saw how many options there are he panicked and wantd my help

All of our friends think I am a pushy b*tch for picking out my ring myself

Obviously this is a very emotional thing for people and they have very strong feelings about what should be done.

 

[Momoftwo]

Just about every woman I know picked out their own e-ring and that ranges from 25 years ago to just this past year. I'm not sure where this idea of the guy picking it themselves came from. Even if they were only given a solitaire to reset later, they picked the setting they liked. I do have one friend whose husband designed and bought her set without her ever seeing it and she doesn't even like it very much and hardly ever wears it even after 15 years because of that. The guys I know were more hung up on surprising their gf's with when and where than with what. Ignore their comments. Are any of these guys engaged or married? My guess would be probably not or they wouldn't have asked that question.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

Peonygirl: I hear you!! I honestly should''ve kept my mouth shut around some people when the subject of engagement ring shopping/choosing was brought up. I told them that I picked the stone (I knew TONS more than my FI about diamonds), and he picked the setting. Their looks were priceless. I actually had a girlfriend tell me to "stop interfering, and let him be a man" That particular GF never wears her ring ''cause she dislikes it!! I so wanted to throw that back in her face, but held myself back.
Of course, all of the neagtive comments stopped now that they''ve seen the finished ring. It''s perfect for me. They gush, and I just say "yes, he did good!"

Just count yourself lucky that you have a very understanding guy who realizes that in the end, YOU will be wearing the ring for the rest of your life, and you should LOVE it!

 

[bookworm21]

Eh, pay no attention to those friends. My bf and I are in the process of looking, and he and I both agree that I would be doing much of the research, because he won't have enough time (he works at least 60 hours/week). We agreed that if I found something I like, I would show him and we would discuss the positives and negatives of what I chose. As for the setting, we went shopping together to look at them, just to get a sense of what we both like and which direction our tastes run.

Funny thing though, a (former) close friend of mine who had just gotten married said the same thing to me when she heard about our ring shopping process. Complete with the frustrated sigh, "What's the point of him proposing to you then? You already know what you're going to get!" and the eye-rolling. She was, as coined by the ladies on Sex and the City, a "frenemy."

Oh, and many times, guys are completely clueless when it comes to women and their jewelry. I don't think they truly understand how personal taste and style can affect a woman's jewelry choices. They figure a solitaire would go with everything, and that's what they buy. Not saying that solitaires are bad, I love them, but just pointing out how men probably think. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/18/2006 1:48:49 AM
Author: Cinderella

Funny thing though, a (former) close friend of mine who had just gotten married said the same thing to me when she heard about our ring shopping process. Complete with the frustrated sigh, 'What's the point of him proposing to you then? You already know what you're going to get!' and the eye-rolling.

I'd say your former close friend doesn't really grasp the point of a proposal.

It's about the commitment to marry, not "what you're gonna get".....lol

I don't know where this whole "it has to be a surprise" thing came into play. Honestly....nearly everyone in a serious relationship has discussed marriage several times prior to the proposal. It's not reeeeeally a surprise, right?

The focus that has developed on the 'surprise' element is unfortunate. It puts a lot of pressure on a man to pick something his GF will like. If he doesn't succeed, then he's spent a lot of money on a ring that his GF never wears because she doesn't like it. What a shame. How does anyone "win" in that situation?

My husband surpised me......he asked me to marry him when the spirit moved him, completely unexpected, and with no ring in hand. He said "I want you to pick it out so you'll love it." Believe me, his proposal was still a 'surprise', and I LOVE the rings we chose.

 

[flutterby]

I had gotten some negative comments as well. Friends saying I should let him do it how he wants, and isnt the ring the biggest part of the suprise, etc. He wanted me to be happy. He knew I would be most happy getting what i wanted, and it was the first big investment we made together. It is a symbol of our relationship, there is nothing wrong with us choosing it together. I also got alot of comments saying "well, he better at least propose properly", honestly, I think that is up to me to determine, not them! Now that we are engaged, no one seems to remember how he proposed, but they are still asking to see my ring!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/18/2006 11:24:22 AM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 1/18/2006 1:48:49 AM
The focus that has developed on the 'surprise' element is unfortunate. It puts a lot of pressure on a man to pick something his GF will like. If he doesn't succeed, then he's spent a lot of money on a ring that his GF never wears because she doesn't like it. What a shame. How does anyone 'win' in that situation?

EXACTLY. It's like high-stakes GAMBLING or something!!!! One of the largest single item purchases most people make (aside from cars & homes) ... and you should just roll the dice? Hope she likes it! Aiigh. So frustrating.

I do see guys on here picking out lovely, lovely rings & putting a lot of thought and effort into it. And I KNOW not every girl is as persnickity as I am (lucky for those dudes!). But I can't imagine uninvolved third parties trying to PERPETUATE this "suprise necesary" mentality ... especially when OTHER PLANS are already in motion. Judgie Mc Judgington, anyone?

 

[littlelysser]

I picked out my ring and I''ve told anyone that asks that I picked it out.

I haven''t had any negative comments, and the folks that are making them are just silly, really.

If asked, my take on it is this...I''m going to be wearing it for the rest of my life, so it better be something I really really love...I know I love my FI, being surprised with a proposal and ring doesn''t really change that...

 

[peonygirl]

Thanks so much for all your sweet comments! I feel so much better now.

 

[roxy7]

As for the guy friends who made those comments, they probably haven''t thought out the process. The way I told my bf I wanted to be involved was to say, "If you are spending this much money, and I am supposed to wear it for so many years, wouldn''t it be better if I absolutely loved it?"

Say to them, "I''m kind of particular about jewelry and we wanted something we were both happy with."

At this point in my life, personally, I can''t imagine not being involved, at the very least telling him what kind of cut, size, and settings you like.