Cold feet or just not ready?

[squeaksluv]

Hey everyone! It''s been awhile since I''ve had a chance to post but wanted to get everyone''s thoughts on something. For those of you who don''t know me I just wanted to give you some background first.

I was engaged to a wonderul man who is still very much my friend. We ended up ending the engagement after a few short months, not over anything awful but more because it seemed that neither of us just felt it was right for each other. We cared for each other but when it came down to it, we just weren''t ''in love'' with each other anymore.

Soon thereafter, I ended up dating and eventually moving in with his best friend who was an old school friend of mine (exFI totally supported us btw). Well, ''J'' and I have been dating for quite awhile now, not quite a year but close. We moved in together and things have been great for awhile, until he started asking a lot of questions about ''us''. Meaning, he is so ready to get engaged and married and I really don''t think I am. Tonight we got in a fight about it even. It''s not that I don''t love him and want to be with him but I don''t see why we just can''t stay the way we are for a bit longer. I don''t think I''m afraid of ''happily ever after'' because when I''m with him there is no place I''d rather be. I see us in this for the long haul and don''t understand why we have to rush things. We''re both in our mid-late thirties (yeah, I''m old!) so it''s not an age thing, I''m just not ready yet but what scares me is will I ever be ready? He keeps saying he wants a family and such and wants to start before he''s 40 and that''s only in 4 years! I''m thinking are you kidding????? Yes, I want a family too but now? He usually is so understanding and patient but I thnk tonight just really got to him. He leaves tomorrow for a business trip in which he''ll be gone for 3 weeks. He said when he gets back he wants to either have our relationship move in the direction it should be going in (i.e. get engaged, etc.) or he needs to seriously rethink ''us''. It scared the heck out of me when he said that because I know he''s not kidding and I just broke down and cried. What is wrong with me? All my friends think I''m crazy to not want to be engaged, even my exFI wonders why I''m not ready, but I''m just not. I just don''t know, is it cold feet or am I really not ready????? I love him more than anything and I can''t even imagine him not in my life. Should I tell him okay just so I don''t lose him? I keep thinking that maybe once I have a ring on my finger maybe this ''fear'' of not being ready will pass. I''m really upset and so confused. What is my problem?

 

[ladykemma]

if i remember your story he was waiting quite a while for you.

regarding kids, ah, if "now" is not the time, when, exactly, were you planning to have them? at 50? 60?

a year is enough time to "know". do you love the guy or not? what''s wrong?

 

[NYCsparkle]

basically its sh#@ or get off the pot time. if he''s really truely the one, then whats holding you back? are you afraid of the commitment or do you feel you didn''t explore enough after your last engagement? did you feel this way when you moved in together? why do you feel you are not ready? are you established at your job? do you feel like you didn''t live life enough? are you afraid that he''ll immediately want kids?
don''t say yes to hold onto him otherwise it won''t work. decide why you aren''t ready and talk to him about it.

 

[MustangFan]

In your mid-30''s I would think you should know from a lot of experience if he''s right for you. I would imagine that 1 year would move pretty fast for someone in their 30''s.

Maybe the question is, do you even want kids? After 35 there is an increase risk for genetic problems with babies. it''s possible to have children in your 40''s, but a lot can go wrong still and most people don''t have the energy left anyway.

Maybe you are hesitate because he''s pushing the kids issue, do you feel that you have different priorities? Are you still working on a career and that''s why you wish to not have kids right away or are you just scared because it had taken so long to find the right guy that everything is kind of just happening at once?

My cousin met her husband at 29 and they dated for 5 years long distance! In the end she had to tell him sh$t or get off the pot because she was 34 and never married and long distance wasn''t cutting it.

 

[ladykemma]

what are you afraid of?

 

[decodelighted]

I think it''s BOTH ... cold feet **and** you''re not ready ... but you''d better GET ready, and fast. Call a therapist T-O-D-A-Y. Do not stop at GO ... do not collect $200. RUN!!!!

Mid-to-late 30''s? (I am too - don''t worry!) It ain''t fair but if you wanna have natural kids you have to get this party started. I''d NEVER encourage someone to settle or whatever but YOU''RE NOT -- you DO love this guy -- and that other guy ... feeling "not ready" isn''t about them really. It''s about YOU! (IMO of course)

Which is why -- I think you should talk this out with a therapist YESTERDAY. Chances are you''re harborng some perfectionistic tendencies & a lot of fear about getting stuff "wrong". Someone around here said recently "I finally realized no one was judging me at the end of my life" Also -- you might have some beliefs around the idea of "wife" etc ... that your life would be over, that you''d be less of an individual, tied to his "identity" ... NOT TRUE, NOT TRUE, SO WHAT??

Seriously, pick up the phone. At least TRY. And tell him you''re trying. Before it''s too late.

I don''t blame him for wanting to know - & if you''re not willing to look at yourself .. I don''t blame him for MOVING ON.

 

[KimberlyH]

Hey squeaks,

It sounds like you''re really struggling with this, so sorry to hear that.

Deco''s suggestion to talk this over with a therapist is a good one (and could help your case if, when he returns in three weeks you''re still not ready to be engaged).

If you''re totally in love and can''t imagine life without him, as you say, this is an issue that''s all about you, and only you can solve it.

Keep us posted!

 

[firebirdgold]

Is it the kids or is it him? If he wasn''t eager to have kids would you feel more excited? I''m just wondering if you''re having trouble because you''re having to make two really big decisions at the same time.
Do you really want kids? If you do want a family, when if not now?

Is it problems from your last relationship that is making you hesitate? You were fairly engagment crazy (like most liws) back then, what''s different now? The guy sure is a heck of a lot better!

As usual, Deco is totally right! You need therapy and fast! I''m not saying there''s something wrong with you but you need to talk this out with a professional and figure out why you''re hesitating before you lose him altogether!

 

[enbcfsobe]

Date: 3/28/2007 10:51:48 AM
Author: IndieJones
Is it the kids or is it him? If he wasn''t eager to have kids would you feel more excited? I''m just wondering if you''re having trouble because you''re having to make two really big decisions at the same time.
Do you really want kids? If you do want a family, when if not now?

Is it problems from your last relationship that is making you hesitate? You were fairly engagment crazy (like most liws) back then, what''s different now? The guy sure is a heck of a lot better!

As usual, Deco is totally right! You need therapy and fast! I''m not saying there''s something wrong with you but you need to talk this out with a professional and figure out why you''re hesitating before you lose him altogether!

I just wanted to highlight this -- it took me a long time to learn (partly because my parents used therapy as a threat -- ugh!) that talking to a therapist/counselor does not need to be about fixing a "problem" -- it is about having a sounding-board to do some self-exploration. It is very much like what you are doing by posting here -- trying to find a guide to understand your thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc. A good counselor can help you sort through things and give you strategies both for communicating your feelings and identifying issues as you go forward. This is both good for you (because you figure out better where you''re at) and good for him because he will see that you are really making an effort to better understand your feelings. Good luck.

 

[decodelighted]

One more quick observation ... you''re in NYC, right? I''ve noticed this "Urban Girl Overthinking" phenomenon in almost ALL of my NYC (esp. media) friends. There''s an extended adolescense that goes along with being able to get everything you want day & night ... and, sometimes, a kind of stunting -- with not being able to buy property, settle down, have pets etc etc. Also that: there''s always something better around the next corner mentality that SEEPS into folks.

It may not be "just you" -- but also your environment. But please find out. And deal with it. Years down the line this may seem like a VERY IMPORTANT crossroads for your life. Be happy with how you handled it.

 

[dgirl]

I do not believe you should get married just because you are in your mid-30s. If you are not ready then you are not ready. Why get married if that is not what you want. Also, women have been having kids in their 40''s, so what. A child should not be brought into the world just because a woman''s clock is ticking. Do what feels right in your heart. If you are not ready, then you are not ready. I hate when the age factor is brought into the mix.

 

[Aloros]

It''s good that you''ve got some time to yourself to think. First off, are you sure that he''s the one, and your hesitation to marry isn''t rooted in valid issues? Think it over, evaluate yourself, him, and your relationship.

If you come to the conlusion that he IS the one, and you''re just suffering needless anxiety and cold feet, then get some help in figuring out what your issues are. You don''t want to be kicking yourself later for letting him get away!

Everything I''ve seen you write about this guy seems to indicate that you are very much in love with him, and he with you. You''ve been with him almost a year, live with him, you''re in your 30''s...what''s the hold-up? If you''re not ready yet, you should at least be able to tell him when you will be ready.

Good luck and hope things work out for the best!

 

[firebirdgold]

Date: 3/28/2007 12:10:54 PM
Author: dgirl
I do not believe you should get married just because you are in your mid-30s. If you are not ready then you are not ready. Why get married if that is not what you want. Also, women have been having kids in their 40''s, so what. A child should not be brought into the world just because a woman''s clock is ticking. Do what feels right in your heart. If you are not ready, then you are not ready. I hate when the age factor is brought into the mix.

I can''t quite put my finger on it but there''s something about this post that annoys me. Not that I advocate either getting married or having kids before you''re ready, of course. It''s just that age is a factor, and just because you can have kids in your early 40''s doesn''t mean it''s a so what process!
I''m sorry for going offtopic.

Anyway, Lucky, I was thinking about you today in the car and I started to wonder if maybe your trouble was a lack of trust in yourself and your judgement? You were eager to get engaged to your ex, and it didn''t exactly end in happily-ever-after. That does tend to make a person doubt and second-guess herself the next time she starts thinking about getting married. You know?

 

[bee*]

For the three wks that he''s away definitely think it over. If you know for sure that he is the one, then I would think about whats stopping you. The kids thing also, figure out for sure, do you want them. If you do, then you will have to start planning for them in the next 4 years. Dont just say that you want to move forward with him to avoid losing him. You have to figure out what you want and be honest with him

 

[sarahthewarrior]

Date: 3/28/2007 4:55:18 PM
Author: IndieJones

Date: 3/28/2007 12:10:54 PM
Author: dgirl
I do not believe you should get married just because you are in your mid-30s. If you are not ready then you are not ready. Why get married if that is not what you want. Also, women have been having kids in their 40''s, so what. A child should not be brought into the world just because a woman''s clock is ticking. Do what feels right in your heart. If you are not ready, then you are not ready. I hate when the age factor is brought into the mix.

I can''t quite put my finger on it but there''s something about this post that annoys me. Not that I advocate either getting married or having kids before you''re ready, of course. It''s just that age is a factor, and just because you can have kids in your early 40''s doesn''t mean it''s a so what process!
I''m sorry for going offtopic.

Anyway, Lucky, I was thinking about you today in the car and I started to wonder if maybe your trouble was a lack of trust in yourself and your judgement? You were eager to get engaged to your ex, and it didn''t exactly end in happily-ever-after. That does tend to make a person doubt and second-guess herself the next time she starts thinking about getting married. You know?

I think "annoys" might be a little strong, but I''m inclined to agree. While you can wait until you''re 80 to get married if you want, if you plan on having your own children, age is VERY much a factor--for both you and your husband. The longer you wait, the probability of birth defects (assuming you successfully conceive, which also gets harder with age) skyrockets. Personally, I don''t plan on having children past 36--be sure to consider how old you''ll be when you''re putting these children through college (and saving for retirement!), not to mention the possibility of having a relationship with your future grandchildren.

You certainly shouldn''t rush into anything, but if you''re convinced you love him, why not go ahead and get married? You''re a mature, responsible woman capable of making mature, responsible decisions. If you do decide to hold off a few more years, perhaps you could consider adoption, too--there are many children out there who already need loving homes. But if you want your own family, I hate to say it, but yes, NOW is the time.

 

[Independent Gal]

I agree with Sarah and Indie that pointing to a few women in their 40's who've managed to have children, and saying age shouldn't be a big factor in your decision isn't wise.

We all have our own lives to lead and our own risks to take and no one can make decisions for anyone else. But people should at least take well informed risks, and I know that me and many of my friends were listening to the 'Women have babies in their 40's all the time!' talk before we had the facts, and some of my friends and colleagues are now regretting that. The risks are real. And they're life altering and potentially life threatening. Not to be taken lightly!

I don't mean to make it sound yet worse, but having a friend who recently had a stillborn child, and 3 colleagues who are miserable and on fertility treatemnts, and having just had this conversation with my OBGYN, it's on my mind. It's not just that the chance of birth defects skyrockets (and it REALLY skyrockets... to 1 in 18 or so... can't remember exactly) . It's also that from 35-40, there's a 20% chance of miscarrying. Not fun. By age 42, you have a 50% chance of miscarrying. And then there's the fertility issue. Your chances of being able to get pregnant in the first place are much lower too. Fertility begins to drop at 30 and you can expect it to take longer, on average, to get pregnant, and by 35, you have a 1/3 chance of having serious trouble getting pregnant. That just keeps getting worse until 40.

And the list goes on... much higher risk of high blood pressure, diabetes, ectopic pregnancies, stillbirth, difficult delivery....

So, of course it's still more likely than not that things will go ok if you get pregnant in your late 30's, but when you're talking about your LIFE and your baby's life, or taking the risk that you might not be ABLE to have a baby, women may want to seriously consider the risks. That doesn't mean one should rush out to get pregnant under really bad conditions. But I think some women don't have the facts, or look to a few cases of women in their 40's who have healthy babies and think 'that's what I'll do too'.

Of course, fostering or adoption are also great options for older potential moms who opt that way!

 

[Independent Gal]

BTW, sorry for the threadjack just now.

In terms of ''advice'', I think you''ve got a lot of good guidance already. With the three weeks you have to yourself, if I were you I''d spend a tonne of time talking it through... often you can figure out what your true feelings are by trying to explain them to someone else (a therapist can help, there, but maybe your friends, and us PS''ers can too!)

But I agree you''ll regret it if you stay with him just so as not to lose him, and you really DON''T want kids. But if you DO, and you love him, and you still feel upset and confused rather than excited, then something somewhere is wrong. Talking and talking and talking about it until you figure out what that is might be the solution at this point.

Good luck! We are here for you!

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 3/29/2007 8:51:43 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I agree with Sarah and Indie that pointing to a few women in their 40''s who''ve managed to have children, and saying age shouldn''t be a big factor in your decision isn''t wise.

We all have our own lives to lead and our own risks to take and no one can make decisions for anyone else. But people should at least take well informed risks, and I know that me and many of my friends were listening to the ''Women have babies in their 40''s all the time!'' talk before we had the facts, and some of my friends and colleagues are now regretting that. The risks are real. And they''re life altering and potentially life threatening. Not to be taken lightly!

I don''t mean to make it sound yet worse, but having a friend who recently had a stillborn child, and 3 colleagues who are miserable and on fertility treatemnts, and having just had this conversation with my OBGYN, it''s on my mind. It''s not just that the chance of birth defects skyrockets (and it REALLY skyrockets... to 1 in 18 or so... can''t remember exactly) . It''s also that from 35-40, there''s a 20% chance of miscarrying. Not fun. By age 42, you have a 50% chance of miscarrying. And then there''s the fertility issue. Your chances of being able to get pregnant in the first place are much lower too. Fertility begins to drop at 30 and you can expect it to take longer, on average, to get pregnant, and by 35, you have a 1/3 chance of having serious trouble getting pregnant. That just keeps getting worse until 40.

And the list goes on... much higher risk of high blood pressure, diabetes, ectopic pregnancies, stillbirth, difficult delivery....

So, of course it''s still more likely than not that things will go ok if you get pregnant in your late 30''s, but when you''re talking about your LIFE and your baby''s life, or taking the risk that you might not be ABLE to have a baby, women may want to seriously consider the risks. That doesn''t mean one should rush out to get pregnant under really bad conditions. But I think some women don''t have the facts, or look to a few cases of women in their 40''s who have healthy babies and think ''that''s what I''ll do too''.

Of course, fostering or adoption are also great options for older potential moms who opt that way!

this happened to us! don''t wait too long. we are childless now because we listened and believed this BS.

 

[squeaksluv]

gosh, you guys give such amazing advice, seriously! what do I need therapy for if I''ve got you?

anyway, I took deco''s suggestion and contacted a therapist recommended to me by my friend Lesley. I went last night and although it was weird at first (trying to tell someone you just met about your life in a nutshell is hard!!), it was actually not so bad. It was nice to have someone to just listen and not be biased or anything. Not that anything was solved so quickly of course! I spoke to J tonight, actually we just got off the phone (ack, it''s 4am!!!). He''s all for me getting therapy and seemed really pleased to hear I''m not taking this so lightly, and for the record I''m not!

I do love him, more than I ever thought. I do want to marry him and have children, my own children. To be honest, and you guys probably think I''m nuts, but I''ve never really thought about my biological clock ticking. I just figured when the time comes to have children, we''ll try, if it doesn''t work out, we''ll seek other options. Both my sisters had children when they were in their late thirties (with no medical assistance), after they were firmly established in their respective careers. My friend Jenna, she''s in her late 30s and is due in July and she got pregnant right away. Maybe I''ve been lulled into a false sense of security that when I''m ready, it''ll just happen? Even my OB/GYN said most of her patients who are starting families are in their mid to late thirties. I did just move from NYC (Deco you hit the nail on the head with that one!) but having been there for over 11 years I''d have to say I still have that ''urban mentality''. That city just promotes a different way of thinking. I look at all of my friends who don''t live in NYC and most, if not all, are married with children. I only have a small handful of friends in the city that are married, the rest are single and still living that Sex and the City life to a certain extent....maybe that''s why it''s taken so long for me to figure things out?

Either way, I told J tonight that I do want things to progress, and I really do. When I think like that I get nervous and maybe Indie you''re right, with my last engagement it certainly didn''t end in happily ever afer and maybe that''s made me rethink the whole ''love & marriage'' concept...but I''m willing to accept that J is not my exFI and nor am I the same person I was before.

As you all wisely suggested, I am going to take this time to think about why I feel the way I do. I need to come to terms with what I''m thinking and why. But I stand by my promise to J that I do want this to work out, I want to be with him and I want to marry and have children with him, maybe because he has this ''time frame'' in mind just freaked me out a little? How long of an engagement? When to start trying for a family? What will that mean for my career? I love my job and all the perks and quirks that go with it although now that we''ve moved I''ve only been working out of my home with weekly trips to NYC. Eventually though I know I''ll have to look for something else which really bums me out to be perfectly honest! I''m heading up to NYC tomorrow to work in my ''old'' office for a week. J said he''s going to look at last minute flights tomorrow night to come in for the weekend, fly all the way from Los Angeles for a weekend? Now if that ain''t love what is?!

I hope he can find a good deal because it''s funny but reading ya''lls advice, and just having gotten off the phone with him, makes me want to give him the biggest hug and kiss right now...yeah, I"m missing him.

Thanks again all of you. I knew I posted here for a reason!

 

[KimberlyH]

Squeaks,

I think it is so awesome that you are being proactive in working this all out! I''m sure it wasn''t an easy step to take, but hopefully you''ll be able to get it all sorted out in your own mind and be ready to move forward in the direction that''s right for you soon, and for what it''s worth it sounds to me like being with him is it.