Christmas Eve?

[isaku5]

Traditionally, our family has spent Christmas Eve with our DD and her in-laws. For about ten of those years we put up with DD's FIL's antics. Every year, we hope that he'll have other plans as he's just plain obnoxious. His wife and other family members are great and have been able to ignore his rudeness (to just about everybody).

Last year, he was particularly rude as he was in pain from recent knee surgery. He was sensible enough to know that you shouldn't take pain killers while drinking copious amounts of ouzo and red wine, so chose the alcohol over the painkillers.

My DDIL and I were having a pleasant conversation when a couple of members of his family arrived late. According to Greek tradition, we were supposed to leap to our feet and greet them. All of a sudden, I heard him yell to us, "Stand up you lazy f-----g Canadians". I was furious, but tried to take the high road since it was Christmas Eve and our DD and DSIL had gone to a great deal of trouble to prepare a sit down surf 'n turf dinner for 20+ people.

Now here's the tough part for me: to attend this year's 'festivities' and allow myself to be bullied by him or take a pass and stay at home. I have multiple health problems the latest of which is breast cancer and really don't want or need the extra stress; however, I'll miss seeing DD and our younger grandgirl.

I should add here that I am not a wimp and have the vocabulary to 'put him in his place' rather quickly, BUT it would disrupt the evening for others (maybe).

Help!!!

 

[Enerchi]

What a pig! A selfish ignorant man with no social skills or graces - how unfortunate to have him in your family. Well - that was my first reaction, which could have been harsh, along with the "just don't go" but then you are the one who suffers because you miss out on the joy of visiting with the ones that are important to you.

Is there anyway that DSIL could speak to his mom or father ahead of time and caution them to watch what he says/how he behaves? Is that something that would be acceptable in his family, albeit awkward? Some families are open to being enlightened, others are not - you'd know best what would work here. Would you DH ever approach him? Could you speak with them ahead of time - maybe a coffee date and just express your concerns in advance so there is no embarassment on the date?

With all that you are going thru, I'd hate to see you have something extra ugly thrown on top. The holidays always put such insane stress on so many of us - wanting to create the picture perfect "Cuerrier and Ives" or "Norman Rockwell" moments, but it isn't always the reality. Mix in alcohol with emotion and expectations --- its a wonder that we still go back and do it all again NEXT year!

What would make YOU the most comfortable?

 

[zoebartlett]

You've gone through a lot, Isaku, and you definitely don't need any added stress. I'd ask your daughter to talk to her husband and see if he (or his mom) can speak to his dad.

What happened last year is done, but do you know if anyone spoke to him afterward about his rude behavior?

Is there any way you could have a smaller, quieter holiday this year, with just your family (DD, SIL, and granddaughter) present?

ETA: Enerchi said it well, what would make YOU most comfortable? What do you need to have a relaxing, peaceful, enjoying holiday? Whatever that is, do it and don't worry about what others may think. Focus on what's best for you.

 

[CJ2008]

isaku - I wouldn't want you to miss seeing your DD...so I'd say go...

You know what to expect, and can mentally prepare for it...

I don't know how far your DD is, but could another option be to travel there but with the intention of being with your DD before and after, and make up and excuse to not attend the Christmas Eve gathering? That way you are with her around holiday time but you spare yourself the stress of dealing with him.

 

[Saoirse2]

Sorry to hear about your DD's obnoxious FIL. Why don't you start a new tradition: Invite people you like to your place? Or pay them a visit a day or two early? I know many of us were taught to be 'nice' but sometimes that's the main reason why people like him get away with so much. I would avoid him at all costs, no one deserves to be treated like that

 

[Kaleigh]

isaku,
I am sorry for all that you are going through. Fighting breast cancer is a hard fight. I send big prayers you beat this cancer.


About Christmas Eve, I would talk to your SIL or your DD. Tell them like you told us. One can only take so much yanno?? I love the idea of you going there but not involved with the dinner and the drama.... How about having lunch with them on Christmas Eve and then being with your DD and SIL and granchild on Christmas day??

 

[KaeKae]

isaku5, I am so sorry you have to face this, year after year. Holidays can bring out the best or the worst of people, while they are packed into a space, in the name of 'celebrating.' It is unfortunate that this blowhard ruins what would otherwise we an enjoyable gathering, but you don't have to put up with his abuse, just because his family does.

I think in your situation, where the stress could have a negative effect on your health, I might do as suggested, and find another time in the holidays to spend with your daughter and her family. If you just don't want to do that, then maybe you can practice your response to his boor. I think it's Miss Manners who recommend The Stare, when some one says something so inappropriate. He calls you a name, uses profanity, insults you or your family, etc, you do not respond, but stare him down. Then, go on with things as if he does not exist.

Just a suggestion, only you know if you can pull that off, I find it hard, myself, but so respect those who do it. I hope your treatment is going well, wish you good health and a merry Christmas and happy new year.

And, btw, if he is so into Greek culture, why is he celebrating with the rest of us? Isn't the orthodox Christmas a week later?

 

[isaku5]

Thank you so much for your responses

This guy listens to no one except himself. Before SIL became a part of our family, Christmas Eve had been held at our place. We sat by our fireplace( real logs) and had nibblies, wine, and carols playing quietly in the background. It was great and we loved it. Then when DD married SIL, they wanted to start a new tradition and invite both families to celebrate with them. We were fine with that even though it meant driving over for an hour to get there. In the early years it was okay - not as quiet as ours, but definitely different. Everyone 'played nice' and that was DD's yearly contribution to celebrations on both sides.

DD is married to a Greek guy (second marriage for her) We had heard that his family was noisy, but how noisy we didn't know. When they party, they go all out. No smashing of dishes or doing a celebratory dance, but they make up for it with noise.

Anyway, DD has no time for us at all. She's always busy. She was a 'wild card' as a teen, but we managed. She's an accountant now and worked very hard for that designation. We have lavished her with praise, but nothing gets through that tough shell. DH and I used to invite ourselves to their place when their daughter was born. I told her that that arrangement didn't sit well with us and that we'd much prefer being invited. Nothing changed. No invitations except at Christmas. DGD is now 12. SO BUSY!

Her DH is allergic to our cat, although no other cat that we've had bothered him There is no antihistamine anywhere that works for him or so we've been told.

Christmas Eve lunch is spent preparing for the dinner. Christmas Day the whole family gathers at SIL's older sister's. Boxing Day, they leave for Florida until school starts again....BUSY

I've tried my best to keep our small family together, but it's all one -sided.

Sorry for the rant, but it's been building for a long time. When I told her about my cancer diagnosis, she said, "Call me if you want to talk." Sure thing. Not.

 

[marcy]

I am sorry to hear about your breast cancer. Hugs to you.

I hate to hear what happened last Christmas Eve. I would do what you re comfortable with but I like the suggestions you already received to talk to you DD and let her know you don't want another incident like that, or arrange a smaller get together where he isn't going to be included.

Take care.

 

[isaku5]

isaku5, I am so sorry you have to face this, year after year. Holidays can bring out the best or the worst of people, while they are packed into a space, in the name of 'celebrating.' It is unfortunate that this blowhard ruins what would otherwise we an enjoyable gathering, but you don't have to put up with his abuse, just because his family does.

I think in your situation, where the stress could have a negative effect on your health, I might do as suggested, and find another time in the holidays to spend with your daughter and her family. If you just don't want to do that, then maybe you can practice your response to his boor. I think it's Miss Manners who recommend The Stare, when some one says something so inappropriate. He calls you a name, uses profanity, insults you or your family, etc, you do not respond, but stare him down. Then, go on with things as if he does not exist.

Just a suggestion, only you know if you can pull that off, I find it hard, myself, but so respect those who do it. I hope your treatment is going well, wish you good health and a merry Christmas and happy new year.

And, btw, if he is so into Greek culture, why is he celebrating with the rest of us? Isn't the orthodox Christmas a week later?

I didn't know that!!! They're all Greek Orthdox and very fussy about observing their Easter, everyone's name day and so on.

I'll just ask...

 

[aviastar]

Go pick your DGD up in the am, have a wonderful date day with her while self-absorbed mommy prepares for the evening and then drop off DGD before the party starts and HEAD HOME.

You know how the evening is going to go, you know DD is never going to change-it hurts, but all you can do is change your own expectations and the boundaries of how you allow yourself to be treated. And who knows? If you actually start declining and stop making an effort, DD may miss what she took for granted. But you have to be able to say, no, I won't be treated like this and mean it when you bow out of things.

Or, you can go and call this SOB out on his behavior; maybe a little bit of an uncomfortable situation is excatly what everyone needs to wake up and set it right. Bullies are cowards; they can't bully anyone who stands up to them.

In any case, best of luck and I am sorry you have to deal with such a hurtful family situation. It's always more complicated when it's family

 

[Missy]

Isabel,you've gotten some good advice and all I have to offer you here are lots and lots of hugs!! I am so sorry you are going through this whole ordeal and I wish I could talk to your daughter in person and shake some sense into her! Her FIL sounds obnoxious and generally an unpleasant individual with no regard for others feelings. ugh! Especially at this time in your life you deserve unconditional love and support and peace from stress and strife. So I am sending you loads and loads of positive vibes and good feelings and I hope your holiday season turns out to be wonderful!!!


ETA: KaeKae- I know and use the "Stare" and have it down pretty good I have to say. At least according to my dh. I never use it on him but he has witnessed me using it on others who deserve it. It can be a very powerful tool for sure!

 

[movie zombie]

don't have any answers but my experience is that had i not grown up portuguese, i'd never have been able to handle my greek in-laws......seriously.

my advise is not for the timid. i think this year if i were you i'd walk in late and say "the f...... canadians have arrived and we're glad to see the f...... greeks are here. let the party begin"..... or something along those lines....even "where's that f,,,,,, greek FIL of yours? i want to give him a hug!"....

yeah, i know its over the top.....but my experience is with australian greeks and they actually respect in your face back at them.

if you can't get back in their face...and i can understand not wanting to stoop to that level for so many reasons including your health issues....i'd just show up, make sure to spend time with the 12 year old and leave early.

your daughter is not having an issue with things the way they are. bringing it up with her is just going to alienate her further. yeah, you're entitled to your say but sometimes its just better to move on and accept things the way they are. perhaps this is the year you and your husband go on a special holiday trip? stay home and have friends over? anything but stay home and feel like you're being left out. ultimately, the holidays are what you make it. do something for you and your hubby this year.

 

[madelise]

I say GO, attend, see your family, and call him out of he's a jerk. There's no need for you to worry about "keeping the peace" if you speak out; HE's speaking out, and it's apparently not affecting the peace at all, for years. He's a classic bully (and obviously a drunk), and he needs to be told to be nice, or leave.


Are you the only one who is bothered by him? Surely his attitude and issues aren't only affecting you. Why does the rest of the party of 20 put up with him? Why is he still invited every year?


I'm sorry to hear of your latest diagnosis, Isaku, you're such a sweet sweet person, and I hate knowing your struggles. I really hope that this next month comes and goes smoothly, and you have a million positive memories with your family that will drown out a mere single negative memory of this jerk.

 

[Gypsy]

Why is this the first time I'm hearing about your breast cancer honey?

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Is there anytime I can do for you? You are one of my favorite friends on PS honey, if you need anything, reach out.

Regarding Christmas Eve. Can you do a nice Christmas Brunch on Christmas Day for DD and just do that? A nice quiche made ahead and reheated), some fruit salad, and may be some scones (20 minutes to get them to the table)? A nice roaring fire and quiet quality family time? I am happy to provide you the recipes I use every year for Christmas Brunch. They are really lovely, have broad appeal and are relatively quick to make.

 

[Kaleigh]

Isaku,
Maybe you could spend Christmas Eve with your lovely grand-daughter. It might be good for her to escape drama too?? I know I spent it with my Grandparents and have very fond memories.

If anything, this is the year to put yourself first.... I mean that with such love and understanding.

Big big hugs...

This is not an easy situation, lets talk it out. I don't have an easy answer. But I have been through tough family situations. I am done with any kind of idiots.

 

[isaku5]

Thanks to all for the great suggestions! I'll share them with DH and we'll come up with a plan.

We are blessed with our son and his family who live in the same town We see them often and particularly enjoy their gorgeous, intelligent and generous daughter. She loves to cook and bake and we are often the recipients of her efforts. She'll be off to university this September. She really is the light of my life.

Gypsy, I've mentioned my cancer a couple of times in others threads. Actually, there's not much that's worthy of note. I had a lumpectomy in July, but refused other treatment for various reasons.

MZ, I'd love to be able to pull that off!

I've learned a lot about myself during these past few months. When there's a timeline, your perspective tends to change. I refuse to waste one minute doing something that I don't want to do - there are no more 'shoulds' in my life, nor will there be pessimists or toxic individuals.

I hope to enjoy my time with people I choose for as long as I can.

 

[Gypsy]

Gypsy, I've mentioned my cancer a couple of times in others threads. Actually, there's not much that's worthy of note. I had a lumpectomy in July, but refused other treatment for various reasons.

I'm sorry if I missed it Isaku. Was it only the cluster that was removed, or is there more? How are you physically.

 

[VRBeauty]

Isaku - it hurts to even read your description of the last time you spent Christmas Eve with at your daughter's house - and it hurts even worse to read about the distance between the two of you, and it makes me absolutely furious to hear how little time you get to spend with your granddaughter.

It's up to your SIL (and DD) to lay down the law for his father re conduct in his house, and apparently he's unwilling to do that. From what you've told us, it doesn't seem to me that the cold stare or witty comeback would work with him, or with the crowd that's catered to him. So you have to ask yourself - will you be able to let the insults and rudeness roll off your back? Would you be able to enjoy the evening, or would it be a tense situation for you, where you're waiting for the other shoe to drop or constantly steeling yourself to do battle? If you don't think you'll be able to relax and enjoy the evening, maybe you should make other plans as Movie Zombie suggested - something with other friends, or nice evening with just you and your DH.

As an aside, my mother is being treated for cancer. Rest is one of her most important allies. When I read your initial post, all I could think of is what would I want my mother to do in this situation. To me the answer is clear - I wouldn't want her anywhere near a such a stressful get-together - period. Which l leads me to think that your husband must have an opinion about this too - and I hope he'd unconditionally support your sitting this one out. If so, this might be a good time for your husband to take over as the go-between, and let your DD know that the two of you will not be attending this year's party.

You're the only one who really knows the best thing to do in this case. If you think you can relax and have a good time in spite of your SIL's father, then go. If you think the visit will cause you stress, then please consider making some other plans and find another way to spend time with your granddaughter.

 

[KaeKae]

isaku5, I am so sorry you have to face this, year after year. Holidays can bring out the best or the worst of people, while they are packed into a space, in the name of 'celebrating.' It is unfortunate that this blowhard ruins what would otherwise we an enjoyable gathering, but you don't have to put up with his abuse, just because his family does.

I think in your situation, where the stress could have a negative effect on your health, I might do as suggested, and find another time in the holidays to spend with your daughter and her family. If you just don't want to do that, then maybe you can practice your response to his boor. I think it's Miss Manners who recommend The Stare, when some one says something so inappropriate. He calls you a name, uses profanity, insults you or your family, etc, you do not respond, but stare him down. Then, go on with things as if he does not exist.

Just a suggestion, only you know if you can pull that off, I find it hard, myself, but so respect those who do it. I hope your treatment is going well, wish you good health and a merry Christmas and happy new year.

And, btw, if he is so into Greek culture, why is he celebrating with the rest of us? Isn't the orthodox Christmas a week later?

I didn't know that!!! They're all Greek Orthdox and very fussy about observing their Easter, everyone's name day and so on.

I'll just ask...

My mistake. I just googled it, and the Greek Orthodox church celebrates on Dec 25, while other orthodox churches do so on Jan 6. So sorry for misleading you.

 

[justginger]

Isaku,
Maybe you could spend Christmas Eve with your lovely grand-daughter. It might be good for her to escape drama too?? I know I spent it with my Grandparents and have very fond memories.

If anything, this is the year to put yourself first.... I mean that with such love and understanding.

Big big hugs...

This is not an easy situation, lets talk it out. I don't have an easy answer. But I have been through tough family situations. I am done with any kind of idiots.

Excellent advice from Lisa. I completely agree, YOU are number one from now on! I think you should really sit it out, find something you'll genuinely enjoy instead. A Christmas mass, a favorite movie, listening to carols, etc. The angst and stress are simply not worth it.

 

[mayerling]

The Greek-Orthodox church celebrates Christmas on the 25th of December. Other Orthdox churches celebrate on the 7th of January, except for Armenians who celebrate on the 6th.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

How insensitive of him--you should have poked him with your (snow) shovel! In all seriousness, your vent is justified. Such a shame some folks just don't know when to zip it.

Perhaps--and you can only hope-he'll have largnygitis this year!

good vibes your way--Sharon

 

[partgypsy]

Gosh your FIL sounds like my uncle! There are some people who are boors, they are not going to change, and you just have to work around them.

I do like the idea of trying to carve out an immediate family time with you and daughter and granddaughter, such as Christmas eve. But, if your daughter doesn't agree, go, but for goodness sake do not let someone else's bad behavior ruin your Christmas and time with daughter! Let it roll off your back, or let loose with a choice comment, but don't worry about it! You know they are not worrying about it.
I'm half Greek, and for some of my relatives, getting a rise out of people is their version of a hobby. Give as good as you get, or ignore them, that's what I do.

 

[isaku5]

The Greek-Orthodox church celebrates Christmas on the 25th of December. Other Orthdox churches celebrate on the 7th of January, except for Armenians who celebrate on the 6th.

After doing some research, I found that you are absolutely right! Da*n

 

[isaku5]

So many great suggestions! A big thank - you to all

Another reason I hesitate to use my foul - mouthed twin is that our older granddaughter would see me being rude and lowering myself to his level. She and I are very close and I have tried to 'teach by example'. She was involved in last year's fiasco too: The young people sit at a different table, but are served the same food. While she was eating her dinner, FIL took her chair right out from under her saying that it was his chair and she should find another one!!!! When I heard that, I was ready to choke the bas%ard

To quote from 'Dirty Dancing, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner".

 

[isaku5]

Gypsy, I've mentioned my cancer a couple of times in others threads. Actually, there's not much that's worthy of note. I had a lumpectomy in July, but refused other treatment for various reasons.

I'm sorry if I missed it Isaku. Was it only the cluster that was removed, or is there more? How are you physically.

Gypsy, only the lump and the three sentinel nodes were removed. The nodes were negative for cancer, but the 2.5cm 'mass' showed cancer. In retrospect, I probably should have had a mastectomy because every other organ was clear and with a mastectomy, no further treatment (chemo and radiation) is necessary.

I notice that I'm getting weaker and tire much more easily, but I have no pain so far.

 

[AmeliaG]

Isaku,

I recently had a mastectomy and I can so relate to not putting up with crap. I had no patience with it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell your DD and DS, you need to go back to the original way you celebrated Christmas. It looks like your DS will cooperate; your DD, maybe, maybe not. But i would look out for myself now.

My parents did that successfully when they got Shang-haied into spending every Christmas with my SIL's family. Every one was nice individually but Christmas was loud, unruly, and some of the kids were brats. My parents didn't offer an explanation and none was asked.

It didn't adversely affect their relations with anybody.

Good luck. My prayers are with you. As of now, I'm cancer-free, but you never know. I'm just grateful for the time I have.

 

[monarch64]

Isaku,

I recently had a mastectomy and I can so relate to not putting up with crap. I had no patience with it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell your DD and DS, you need to go back to the original way you celebrated Christmas. It looks like your DS will cooperate; your DD, maybe, maybe not. But i would look out for myself now.

My parents did that successfully when they got Shang-haied into spending every Christmas with my SIL's family. Every one was nice individually but Christmas was loud, unruly, and some of the kids were brats. My parents didn't offer an explanation and none was asked.

It didn't adversely affect their relations with anybody.

Good luck. My prayers are with you. As of now, I'm cancer-free, but you never know. I'm just grateful for the time I have.

I'm glad I read through all the responses; I was going to post basically the same thing! I completely agree with AmeliaG.

Isaku, your health and well-being take precedence over any "traditional" holiday get-togethers at this point in time. Celebrate the way YOU want to celebrate Christmas Eve. Invite your DD to your home to participate in the tradition you most enjoy and do not worry about anyone else. If she isn't receptive, just tell her how much you love her, and that is all you can do. I really wish you peace this holiday season, and better health in the future. Hugs.

 

[Gypsy]

Gypsy, I've mentioned my cancer a couple of times in others threads. Actually, there's not much that's worthy of note. I had a lumpectomy in July, but refused other treatment for various reasons.

I'm sorry if I missed it Isaku. Was it only the cluster that was removed, or is there more? How are you physically.

Gypsy, only the lump and the three sentinel nodes were removed. The nodes were negative for cancer, but the 2.5cm 'mass' showed cancer. In retrospect, I probably should have had a mastectomy because every other organ was clear and with a mastectomy, no further treatment (chemo and radiation) is necessary.

I notice that I'm getting weaker and tire much more easily, but I have no pain so far.

((HUGS)) honey. It's so hard to make the 'perfect' decision in times of crisis and hindsight is always 20/20. A virtual hug from me and a (BIG ONE) per John to you, especially.