Choosing between two lifestyles...

[atroop711]

well I chose option #1. We have 3 great kids, do ok but I''m NOT one of the socialites from NYC either. LOL

When I grew up, I was poor but had NO CLUE how poor we were. I was the oldest of 3 children and my hard working parents gave us all they could. Sent us to catholic school (education first!), extended family was VERY much involved in our lives and gave us LOADS of love. We never went on a family vacation but I never missed it either. I remember when I learned how poor we were (I was a teen) I was shocked. I honestly never knew that we were poor. With all that we had, I could have sworn we were rich. We never did without (food, clothing, roof over our head, xmas gifts, bday gifts) even though we were poor. My parents did great budgeting the little they had to make my childhood a happy one. I guess it''s true what they say....you can''t miss what you never had!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

I kind of have the best of both worlds... FI and i both have a daughter each, 14 and 9. We have made the decision not to have any children together because our life will be far more comfortable financially. Plus since our kids are already half grown up it would be like starting out all over again with a baby and i like the idea of retiring early. (i''m only 29!)

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 6/17/2009 8:41:51 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
I kind of have the best of both worlds... FI and i both have a daughter each, 14 and 9. We have made the decision not to have any children together because our life will be far more comfortable financially. Plus since our kids are already half grown up it would be like starting out all over again with a baby and i like the idea of retiring early. (i'm only 29!)

You're a very young mother! Within a few years, you'll probably look like your daughter's sister. My mom got pregnant with me at a very young age (she was 18; I was born when she was 19), and we often get mistaken as sisters. She always knew that she wanted to be a mom. She has about five godchildren and is looking forward to being a grandmother some day

. Let's hope for her sake that I'll change my mind about not having any kids (but I really doubt it). I'll probably start another poll to find out how old the PS moms were when their maternal instincts kicked it.

 

[hoofbeats95]

I wanna be a DINK!!!!


DINK = Dual Income No Kids

 

[stepcutgirl]

I like these threads too because I''m 29, probably going to be married next year and I just don''t know if I want kids or not. A few years ago I was certain I wanted a child but then I started asking myself why. I had never ever wanted a child until I turned 24 and the doctors told me having children would prove difficult if even at all possible. Being that I didn''t want kids, this should have been great news but it wasn''t. I flipped out and decided I MUST have a child! Why? When I started questioning why I wanted to be a mother I had no great answer. I think it may have just been that they told meI might not be able to!

 

[steph72276]

I'd choose children NO QUESTION as long as I was able to at least provide them with food, shelter and clothing. Children don't need a million toys, the latest gadgets, etc. to be happy and really they are not all THAT expensive. I think my life would be unfulfilled without children, but I've always known I wanted them.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 6/16/2009 4:50:51 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 6/16/2009 11:55:42 AM
Author: Chrono
I cannot knowingly start a family without financial independence. I refuse to bring innocent lives into the world where it is a struggle to feed, shelter and nurture them.

ITA.

I was brought up in a house where there were summer camps, day care, birthday parties every year with friends, yearly family vacations, and endless sports teams. I could never raise a child in a home where they could not paticipate in things they might enjoy, due to financial burdens that my husband or I created. It would literally haunt me.

I agree with you guys on this one. I was raised upper-middle class with a lot of advantages, but I married a poor man at the age of 23. Maybe it had to do with his attitude (he wasn''t struggling to provide - he was lazy) but I decided that I would not have children with him, because I could barely stand living the way we did, on only my income, which was low at the time.

Eventually, we divorced, I started making good money, and then I met my second (and forever) husband, who was also very successful. We are fortunate enough that I get to stay home and raise my son, and we still have money for vacations, dinners out, cultural enrichment, etc. I don''t think that I would have been eager to have a child without being financially stable.

My best friend grew up in a very poor household (actually living in cars and homeless shelters at times) and she really regrets how awful her childhood was, and the lack of opportunities she had (no money for food or shelter, never mind college, piano lessons and the like). Yet, she was the oldest of 6 children - it is unbelievable to me that her mother continued to have kids though she couldn''t support the ones she had.

I know that most situations lie somewhere in between, but for me, I would not have been able to enjoy being a parent without being financially comfortable.

 

[diamondringlover]

I vote for single with no kids

 

[atroop711]

Date: 6/17/2009 1:48:34 PM
Author: steph72276
I''d choose children NO QUESTION as long as I was able to at least provide them with food, shelter and clothing. Children don''t need a million toys, the latest gadgets, etc. to be happy and really they are not all THAT expensive. I think my life would be unfulfilled without children, but I''ve always known I wanted them.

ITTA...kids don''t need as much as ppl think. It''s all about how you raise them. I know too many kids who have WAY too much and are being raised spoiled and unable to appreciate what they have. I personally limit what my kids get in toys and after school activities because they need to appreciate what they have. They get things in small doses so they can enjoy their toys or their after school classes...don''t want them to take things for granted. Time with family doesn''t cost a dime and if you make it fun...it''s priceless!

 

[Fly Girl]

Date: 6/16/2009 12:02:34 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
i''d prefer option #3...

married with children and have enough money to retire early.

I''m with you, DF!

 

[radiantquest]

married and happy with no kids. i dont feel a need to have them. i know that i have said this before but my statement is this

i like my sleep, money and time. i dont want to be responsible for another person. if i am off work and dont want to get out of bed until noon, that is exactly what i am going to do. some would say that i am selfish and i dont deny that. i am.

 

[WinkHPD]

Date: 6/16/2009 10:53:18 AM
Author: monarch64
I chose the childless by choice option...not because I don''t like or want children, but because at this point in my life I worry whether I could provide well enough for a child/children. Struggling financially is bad enough when the only person I''m responsible for is me, but struggling financially and going through the heartache and frustration of being responsible for someone else''s life I don''t think I could handle. However, like everything in life there are gray areas and variables...my mind might change if I could predict financial success for myself.

There was a time when I was flat broke, two kids, a wife and a dog and two cats. (Not my choice on the cats...)

I lost my business and we worried what would become of us. My wife literally walked with me back to back to help fight off the dragons. We fought them off good!

Now we walk hand in hand, our children grown, and I would not give up those tough years nor my kids for all the money in the world. I adore my wife and remember the years she spent fighting off the dragons with me. I love my children and now my grandchildren with all my heart and soul and could not imagine life without them.

I suspect that I would feel totally comfortable being childless if I had never had a child, and I will never judge those who choose to go that route, I am just grateful that I chose the path I did.

Wink

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 6/17/2009 10:42:00 PM
Author: radiantquest
married and happy with no kids. i dont feel a need to have them. i know that i have said this before but my statement is this


i like my sleep, money and time. i dont want to be responsible for another person. if i am off work and dont want to get out of bed until noon, that is exactly what i am going to do. some would say that i am selfish and i dont deny that. i am.

I guess, when it comes to having or not having children, everybody is a little selfish, regardless of what their choice is. Here''s an interesting article (from www.childfree.net):

Selfish?

The misconception about remaining childfree that bothers many of us the most is that people who decide not to have children are SELFISH. Some data/facts on this issue:

In 1992, Rathus and Nevid (both psychologists) interviewed hundreds of couples on their reasons for having or not having children. They found couples with children had 9 common answers for their decision, and that couples without children had 13 common answers for their decision.

To summarize, they are:

NINE COMMON REASONS GIVEN FOR HAVING CHILDREN:

1. Personal experience - to have the experience of being a parent
2. Personal pleasure - the fun and joy of raising children
3. Personal extension - carrying on the genetic heritage or family name
4. Relationship - the close bond which is shared with children
5. Personal status - culture affords some respect just for being a parent
6. Personal competence - gratification from facing the challenge of parenting
7. Personal responsibility - the opportunity to look out for the welfare and education of another
8. Personal power - some find the power they have over children gratifying
9. Moral worth - some feel it is a good and selfless act to put the life of another first, or that it is a moral obligation to have children

THIRTEEN COMMON REASONS GIVEN FOR NOT HAVING CHILDREN:

1. Time together - more time each other and for other interests
2. Freedom - more opportunity to pursue other areas of life
3. Other children - can enjoy other children, and can help children who are already here through foster parenting or charity work with children
4. Dual careers - both people may pursue careers full time, a person (woman) does not have to quit, and a child is not raised by day care
5. Financial security - more money to pursue other interests
6. Community welfare - greater opportunity to get involved in community organizations
7. Difficulty - parenthood is a demanding and difficult job which is not always enjoyable
8. Strain on environmental resources - the world is already overpopulated and is unable to support the people who are already here
9. Increase in overpopulation - having children geometrically increases this problem and all of the problems that come with it
10. Choice not mandate - parenthood has to be a choice, not everyone is meant to be a parent
11. Irrevocable decision - once the decision is made it cannot be changed, so people must be sure it is what they want
12. Failure - some people had unhappy or abusive childhoods and fear that they would not be a good parent
13. Danger - the world is a dangerous place and it is not right to bring a child into it

In our opinion, it seems that all of the 9 reasons given for having children are selfish; they are all about what the parent will gain for themselves (love, bonding, etc.) While only 5 of the 13 reasons for not having children are selfish, the other 8 involve concerns for the world, the community, and the child that would be born.

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 6/17/2009 10:51:06 PM
Author: Wink

Date: 6/16/2009 10:53:18 AM

Author: monarch64

I chose the childless by choice option...not because I don't like or want children, but because at this point in my life I worry whether I could provide well enough for a child/children. Struggling financially is bad enough when the only person I'm responsible for is me, but struggling financially and going through the heartache and frustration of being responsible for someone else's life I don't think I could handle. However, like everything in life there are gray areas and variables...my mind might change if I could predict financial success for myself.

There was a time when I was flat broke, two kids, a wife and a dog and two cats. (Not my choice on the cats...)


I lost my business and we worried what would become of us. My wife literally walked with me back to back to help fight off the dragons. We fought them off good!


Now we walk hand in hand, our children grown, and I would not give up those tough years nor my kids for all the money in the world. I adore my wife and remember the years she spent fighting off the dragons with me. I love my children and now my grandchildren with all my heart and soul and could not imagine life without them.


I suspect that I would feel totally comfortable being childless if I had never had a child, and I will never judge those who choose to go that route, I am just grateful that I chose the path I did.


Wink

This is a beautiful post, Wink. I hope that when I am your age, I will feel the same way that you do, regardless of which path I end up choosing in life

 

[Black Jade]

People that don''t want kids DEFINITELY shouldn''t have them.

I have known kids with parents who didn''t really want them and this is fair to nobody.

What I object to, though, is when people who don''t want/like kids are obnoxious to people who like and want them and are doing a good job raising them. If you think that this doesn''t happen, get pregnant with your third or fourth child. Many of my friends have many kids (my two best friends each have nine, my next best friend has six and most of them have at least four--I have a small family in my circle with only three) and I am amazed at the judgmental remarks and assumptions people make about these kinds of choices. When everything else fails (that is, when they see that the children are well-behaved, intelligent, healthy and happy and that the mother is not some harassed, screeching harridan, but an attractive and contented woman) they always fall back on the statement that having too many kids is ''bad for the planet'' and that there is a population explosion imminent. When in actual fact, lack of enough children is an enormous problem in almost every developed country. There is a ''birth dearth'' in Europe and in Japan. America is the only developed country where people have enough children to replace the current population. And that''s jsut barely. We are already having issues even here with not enough younger workers to keep the social security system going; and there are other issues too. Yet the public consciousness is still back in the 70''s when these Malthusian ideas gained currency, along with other ''scientific'' facts that turned out to be not quite true--anyone else remember when we were warned all the time about the imminent ice age that we were going to have--when there was supposed to be ''global cooling''?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2009 1:31:30 PM
Author: stepcutgirl
I like these threads too because I''m 29, probably going to be married next year and I just don''t know if I want kids or not. A few years ago I was certain I wanted a child but then I started asking myself why. I had never ever wanted a child until I turned 24 and the doctors told me having children would prove difficult if even at all possible. Being that I didn''t want kids, this should have been great news but it wasn''t. I flipped out and decided I MUST have a child! Why? When I started questioning why I wanted to be a mother I had no great answer. I think it may have just been that they told meI might not be able to!

Growing up, I always wanted kids, and decided I wanted to adopt kids of different ethnicities, so that they could not be prejudiced, and each kid would learn all about their siblings cultures and languages. (how is that for a bleeding heart liberal at age 12! ha!) By college, if you asked me about kids, I would have told you 0 or 4. I also was telling my friends at that point, that I didn''t like kids. (they believed me until they saw my babysitting. One of my friends always swore she would never leave me with her kids, lol!) I love the idea of a large family, but it seems completely impractical. Now, in grad school, and having experienced life, and having actually taken time to think about WHETHER I wanted kids or not, rather than just assuming that I would, I think I''m good with Zero! Love them, but don''t need them. I volunteer as a child advocate in the courts representing children in the social service system, and I have tutored and mentored since I was 18 years old. I''ve taught kids and done summer enrichment. I think kids are incredible, but so many things in this world are. I can appreciate the beauty and wonder in the world, including kids, without having them personally living in my house. And if I change my mind, I will adopt (with SO, of course, who is 100% in agreement with me). SO and I both plan to get snipped and clipped once we are married. No oopsies for us. SO feels that if he had unlimited money, he might want kids. I honestly think that the more money I had, the less I would want kids. I would spend more time traveling, doing cool research, writing, starting businesses, etc.

I would love to have adult children (love the idea of a full house during the holidays!), but what to do with them for the first 18-22 yrs???

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Date: 6/17/2009 11:23:30 AM
Author: RubyCharm

Date: 6/17/2009 8:41:51 AM
Author: hawaiianorangetree
I kind of have the best of both worlds... FI and i both have a daughter each, 14 and 9. We have made the decision not to have any children together because our life will be far more comfortable financially. Plus since our kids are already half grown up it would be like starting out all over again with a baby and i like the idea of retiring early. (i''m only 29!)

You''re a very young mother! Within a few years, you''ll probably look like your daughter''s sister. My mom got pregnant with me at a very young age (she was 18; I was born when she was 19), and we often get mistaken as sisters. She always knew that she wanted to be a mom. She has about five godchildren and is looking forward to being a grandmother some day

. Let''s hope for her sake that I''ll change my mind about not having any kids (but I really doubt it). I''ll probably start another poll to find out how old the PS moms were when their maternal instincts kicked it.

You should see the reactions we get when the three of us (29,14 and 9) are out together. It''s hillarious!!

The 14 yr old is already taller than me and my girl is passed my shoulders... you can see people trying to guess who the mum is sometimes. I do think about having another child now and again but then i also think that i could be a grandma in 15 years time, (when some people are only just starting their families) so i figure i can wait until then... and then i can give them back!!

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 6/18/2009 12:11:39 AM
Author: Black Jade
People that don't want kids DEFINITELY shouldn't have them.

I have known kids with parents who didn't really want them and this is fair to nobody.

What I object to, though, is when people who don't want/like kids are obnoxious to people who like and want them and are doing a good job raising them. If you think that this doesn't happen, get pregnant with your third or fourth child. Many of my friends have many kids (my two best friends each have nine, my next best friend has six and most of them have at least four--I have a small family in my circle with only three) and I am amazed at the judgmental remarks and assumptions people make about these kinds of choices. When everything else fails (that is, when they see that the children are well-behaved, intelligent, healthy and happy and that the mother is not some harassed, screeching harridan, but an attractive and contented woman) they always fall back on the statement that having too many kids is 'bad for the planet' and that there is a population explosion imminent. When in actual fact, lack of enough children is an enormous problem in almost every developed country. There is a 'birth dearth' in Europe and in Japan. America is the only developed country where people have enough children to replace the current population. And that's jsut barely. We are already having issues even here with not enough younger workers to keep the social security system going; and there are other issues too. Yet the public consciousness is still back in the 70's when these Malthusian ideas gained currency, along with other 'scientific' facts that turned out to be not quite true--anyone else remember when we were warned all the time about the imminent ice age that we were going to have--when there was supposed to be 'global cooling'?

Maybe it's because a lot of people who want/like kids and think of themselves as good parents are obnoxious to those people who are not like themselves to begin with. I have a large extended family, with both types of people (my dad was the oldest of nine children and my mom was the oldest of seven children; a couple of my aunts are child-free, while the rest of my aunts/uncles have anywhere between 2 and 5 children). I'd say my child-free aunts are usually the targets of obnoxious remarks, not my relatives who have children.

 

[RubyCharm]

Date: 6/18/2009 3:45:51 AM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 6/17/2009 1:31:30 PM
Author: stepcutgirl
I like these threads too because I''m 29, probably going to be married next year and I just don''t know if I want kids or not. A few years ago I was certain I wanted a child but then I started asking myself why. I had never ever wanted a child until I turned 24 and the doctors told me having children would prove difficult if even at all possible. Being that I didn''t want kids, this should have been great news but it wasn''t. I flipped out and decided I MUST have a child! Why? When I started questioning why I wanted to be a mother I had no great answer. I think it may have just been that they told meI might not be able to!

Growing up, I always wanted kids, and decided I wanted to adopt kids of different ethnicities, so that they could not be prejudiced, and each kid would learn all about their siblings cultures and languages. (how is that for a bleeding heart liberal at age 12! ha!) By college, if you asked me about kids, I would have told you 0 or 4. I also was telling my friends at that point, that I didn''t like kids. (they believed me until they saw my babysitting. One of my friends always swore she would never leave me with her kids, lol!) I love the idea of a large family, but it seems completely impractical. Now, in grad school, and having experienced life, and having actually taken time to think about WHETHER I wanted kids or not, rather than just assuming that I would, I think I''m good with Zero! Love them, but don''t need them. I volunteer as a child advocate in the courts representing children in the social service system, and I have tutored and mentored since I was 18 years old. I''ve taught kids and done summer enrichment. I think kids are incredible, but so many things in this world are. I can appreciate the beauty and wonder in the world, including kids, without having them personally living in my house. And if I change my mind, I will adopt (with SO, of course, who is 100% in agreement with me). SO and I both plan to get snipped and clipped once we are married. No oopsies for us. SO feels that if he had unlimited money, he might want kids. I honestly think that the more money I had, the less I would want kids. I would spend more time traveling, doing cool research, writing, starting businesses, etc.

I would love to have adult children (love the idea of a full house during the holidays!), but what to do with them for the first 18-22 yrs???

That''s exactly how I feel!