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changes after marriage

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leoslove730

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 25, 2007
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49
I live with my boyfriend, and have been for a while now. We live together very well, in every aspect (plus it probably helps that we each have our own bathrooms! ha ha). Anyways, I hear people who do AND don''t live together talking about how they think that things are going to "change" after they actually get married. I''m not one of those people. I don''t think that anything will change once we get married. I don''t want anything to change because I love who we are.

It seems like with the girls I hear saying that things are going to change after marriage, they are talking for the BETTER, where as the guys make it sound like getting married means the end of their freedom. I don''t ever want my boyfriend to feel like that. I''ve heard girls talk about how after they get married their guys are going to magically want to spend all of their time with them, and I think that those girls are really in for a big disappointment. Then I hear the guys talk about how getting married means the end of video games, guys nights, pressure to have children, etc. I don''t know why so many people seem to envision things like that. I just think that both sides have unrealistic expectations sometimes.

Has anyone else ever noticed that, or is it just me? I''m not talking about you and your S.O. necessarily, but I''m talking about what you''ve seen and heard from other people and their expectations after marriage. I''m just curious.
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
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1,899
I believe people think this way because it is socially promoted and acceptable. But that doesn''t mean it''s true. And my friends that are getting married soon have never said these types of things, male or female. But then again, we are all young and maybe a little starry-eyed, if you will. But anyway, you get married because you WANT to spend your life with that person, not because you HAVE to. Over the decades that have passed and which marriage has changed, the conception of it being security for a woman and near imprisonment for a man, has not changed and is continually talked about today. And it really gets under my skin. DH and I lived together before marriage, and even after the wedding, etc., he still often decides not to go out and stay home with me. Not because I ask or make him, but because he wants to. And if he wants to go somewhere with his friends, he usually has me come to, and vice versa with my friends. We like to spend time alone together, as well as with our friends doing stuff. We play video games together, go camping, play disc golf... many things that are *usually* reserved as being *guy things*. And that''s not because he has to coerce me into doing those things, it''s because I love playing video and computer games, camping is fun, and I''m getting pretty dang good at disc golf, lol! Things of course change and grow with marriage, but they are going to change whether or not you get married because an intrinsic part of life is change... every year you are a different person than you were the year before. The key is growing and learning together, sharing mutual interests and joys, and realizing that spending some time apart with your respective friends isn''t a bad thing. I think men and women who normally say these things are trying to play into what is socially expected/ acceptable, although that doesn''t mean it''s a good thing. So I guess my answer to your question is, yes, I have heard people say that, but none of my friends have mentioned this to me. Everyone I know that''s getting married are very happy and excited to be doing so. Maybe times are changing....

*M*
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
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7,485
This has not been my experience with my friends/family but I surround myself with people who adore their SOs and spouses and have a postive outlook on life in general as well as marriage. Essentially it is whatever you make it. My husband and I (who did not live together before marriage) had a discussion last week about whether or not we thought the other person had changed since saying "I do." He says I haven''t changed at all and I told him that he''s only become nicer and less self-centered since we''ve gotten married, which is true.

DH has a female friend who is a pretty miserable person in general. She is very hard on her spous and has no quams about sharing her feelings about him with anyone who will listen, but it just fits right in with her personality. We don''t spend much time with her, in part because her attitude sucks, which is unfortunate as we both really like her husband and a few other mutual friends/family members of hers.

I guess the bottom line is you (the collective you) control who you marry, how your marriage works and the outcome. If you make good choices things will be great, if you make poor choices they won''t. It seems pretty simple, but the divorce rate proves otherwise.
 

TravelingGal

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
TGuy''s life changed as soon as he moved in...I had him by the b*lls. Ha!
 

anchor31

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
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7,074
FI and I are moving together on May 1st, 15 months before our wedding. I think some things will change then, but not as much as some people seem to think. No we don''t officially live together yet, but we''ve known each other for four years and we''ve spend a lot of time together, weekends, weeks, even months at a time. So yes, there will be some adjustments, but not that much. And when we''ll get married, there probably won''t be that much change either. For us the symbol and ceremony is extremely important to us, which is why we are getting married, but other than that, it won''t change who we are. My sister seems to think I''ll die or something...


Speaking of which, do you ladies sometimes get the "but don''t you want to travel/work/whatever" question? I''m very puzzled as to why some people think I can''t do that once I''m married...
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
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1,899
Date: 3/23/2007 7:44:15 PM
Author: anchor31
FI and I are moving together on May 1st, 15 months before our wedding. I think some things will change then, but not as much as some people seem to think. No we don''t officially live together yet, but we''ve known each other for four years and we''ve spend a lot of time together, weekends, weeks, even months at a time. So yes, there will be some adjustments, but not that much. And when we''ll get married, there probably won''t be that much change either. For us the symbol and ceremony is extremely important to us, which is why we are getting married, but other than that, it won''t change who we are. My sister seems to think I''ll die or something...



Speaking of which, do you ladies sometimes get the ''but don''t you want to travel/work/whatever'' question? I''m very puzzled as to why some people think I can''t do that once I''m married...
I hate when people ask me that question! Both DH and I love to travel and we plan on doing a lot of it before we have kids... I don''t know why it''s assumed that once you''re married you aren''t allowed to leave the house or something.

*M*
 

ljmorgan

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 5, 2006
Messages
1,037
Date: 3/23/2007 7:44:15 PM
Author: anchor31

Speaking of which, do you ladies sometimes get the ''but don''t you want to travel/work/whatever'' question? I''m very puzzled as to why some people think I can''t do that once I''m married...
I will say, I always told the husband that I wanted to do a lot of traveling still (I can travel a lot for work, and he''s not allowed to come with me if the travel is overseas.) He agreed and said I could do all of the traveling I wanted, because I''m young and should get it out of my system. But now that we''re married... I don''t WANT to leave him for 3-4 months at a time, which is really annoying. Because part of me wants to do the traveling, it''s great for my job, and the other part of me wants to not leave my husband for more than 2 weeks! I have done some travel this year, but to nice places, and for 1-2 weeks at a time. The 3-4 months of travel are to very unsavory areas, but the pay is very, very good (outrageously so), and tax free as well. But the idea of leaving my husband makes me very unhappy now. I think that it IS easier to travel and do things on your own, when you''re single. But saying that, people don''t understand that the benefits of marriage far surpass any slight limitations.
 

TCBug

Rough_Rock
Joined
Nov 12, 2006
Messages
58
My Brother: "Everything changes after you''re married. Life is totally different."
Me: Everything''s exactly the same after marriage.
My brother: divorced 7 years after marriage.
Me: Still married 20 years after marriage.

Hmmmm.
 
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