Careful what you wish for

[sox]

I wanted to share my story. I met my boyfriend my senior year in college. We dated for 2 years and then moved in together for 7.

During that time we went through all the stages "we are too unconventional for marriage" tried humor "we''ll get married when the Red Sox win the World Series" etc. But never got married. For all intents and purposes we sort of were, all our finances were shared and we lived like any married couple. But it ate me up inside to not be engaged. I thought "what on earth is wrong with ME that he won''t propose". It was awful, I tried wise cracks, humor, anger and tears - nothing. He never had a good reason, just said (and still does) he wants to marry me.

During this time all of our friends got married, his big brother, whom he adores was married, divorced and re-married. For a bit he said he was afraid b/c of this divorce. But then he saw how happy his brother was at his 2nd wedding, saw his sister get engaged and saw me be miserable. We started talking about it more and I basically just started planning.

For 2 years he had my grandmother''s diamond in his sock drawer. He just kept telling me he didn''t know what to get or who to go to for a ring. I can''t tell you how frustrated and insecure this made me. It truly ate me up inside, so finally we just went to the jeweler and I designed my own ring. I even secretly put $ into his savings account for it. He asked me when I would like him to propose - I was pretty dissapointed b/c I wasn''t getting the surprise proposal, and b/c I felt like I was pressuring him. Not the way I had dreamed of getting engaged at all.......

But nonetheless we did it, the Sox won the World Series and we started to plan a wedding. Happy ending? Not exactly - for some reason I still wasn''t happy. What on earth was wrong with me????? I couldn''t get over it, I felt all the pressure was on me, and I had made all the decisions in our life. I felt like I had pressured him and even though he said he wanted to, it just didn''t sit right. We made a half hearted attempt at planning a wedding - and once again I was in charge of every decision - he was completely apathetic.

I spent 5 or so years convinced it would be fine if he just proposed. The proposal didn''t make anything better.

5 months after our engagement I am 40 blocks south of him in NYC on my own, starting over at age 30. He is devastated and begs me to come back. I am liberated, although a little scared. I have the most amazing ring I poured my soul into creating and I can''t wear it.

I don''t really know if this will be helpful to anyone else. (just typing it is helping me, though). I just want you to realize the ring and the engagement and all those things won''t cover up any issues you have. And even though I have over simplified our "issues", the whole scenario was reflective of our root problems. Getting engaged is the most important decision you will make - do it for the right reasons, not b/c society says you should and not because you need that ring to feel good. Make sure its a joint decision, b/c you never want to look back and wonder if you pressured someone.

Sorry if this is gloomy and depressing. Best of luck to all of you, hopefully you will find true happiness.

 

[MissAva]

I am sorry for the loss of time and the pain you went through. Fun Ring Settings perhaps resetting it would make it more fun. New York is a huge busy place and as I have said to NYTempest a great place to breathe a little or even start over. I think it is great that you have the courage to to post such painful memories. I hope that things works out in the end for you.

 

[michela002]

Oh Sox I am so sorry to hear your sad story.

It must be both liberating and terrifying to be in your position and starting over, and I think it was very, very brave of you to make the move you have. Thank you for your story, it was eye-opening to read. I don''t think I''ll forget any of the points you raised, thank you for making me think about them. I wish nothing but the best for you and I''m sure you will be happier in the long run.

 

[Kaleigh]

Thank you for posting your story, and I''m sorry for your situation. It sounds like you did the right thing for you and I wish you all the best.

 

[fountainfairfax]

Sox-

thanks for sharing your story....it is very moving and wonderful proof that when something doesn''t feel right or ring true then it is time to examine where you are and make changes to lead you to where you need to be. Some of us make these decisions ourselves, some have life-altering situations forced upon us, but how we react when it suddenly becomes clear that nothing can be the same defines our character and possibly our futures....Good for you for having the strength to do this...you are so on the money that engagements don''t make for a magic healing of all that is wrong...sometimes the "boy soon" vs "girl soon" is another sign of the things that are wrong in a relationship, othertimes its a little innocent miscommunication.

having said all that serious stuff- you earned that ring sweetheart, find a way to wear it! It''s a symbol of finding yourself, of taking chances and of the faith that must exist when we take that leap into the unknown. Anyone else thinking Leon Mege rhr?

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

 

[windy1365]

Sox...

That is sad that you wasted a lot of your time with him. I stayed with my high school boyfriend... since senior year high school for four and a half years. We were engaged almost that whole time, but I knew that I didn''t want to marry him. I just didn''t want to be by myself. I missed out on a lot in college b/c he was so jealous, he didn''t want me to have any friends. I couldn''t go out without him following me.

I ended up breaking up with him and dating another guy on the rebound. I stayed with him two years, knowing that I didn''t really want to be with him either... but didn''t want to be by myself... except in this case, I did whatever I wanted to behind... in front... of him. It was still miserable, and when I broke up with him, he went nuts.

I wish that I had it in me to be myself at that time and not wasted all those years that I could have been partying! I am about to be married to a great guy.... but the other night, I wanted to be like the women on Sex and the City! So, I would be living it up in NYC if I were in your situation. There has got to be lots of fine guys out there, right?

 

[kanne]

Sox
Thanks for posting your story. Hugs.

You spent a lot of time and energy designing your ring. Why not wear it on your right hand? I would. Celebrate the part of you that just would not settle for less than you deserve.

And the other thing is..your relationship may not be over. Many times, when a relationship gets into trouble, the best thing for both people to do it to take a break from each other. Maybe you both need a new perspective and an appreciation of what you have together. You mentioned that he is upset by the break. This may be what is needed for him to take the initiative and work to get you back in his life. Or vice versa. I''ve seen it happen with my best friend and her BF. Almost exactly the same story, the same length of time dating and the same age (when she finally broke away..only to be won back 5 months later). They have worked out their major issues and are on the road to engagement, buying a house etc.

Taking a break, or starting over is so incredibly difficult and my heart goes out to you. But you are in the most wonderful city on earth (OK I''m biased) and when you are ready, the world will be waiting for you.

-lovey

 

[sox]

I can''t thank you enough for your support. That is amazing - I really was expecting criticism or harsh words. So many of my girlfriends thought I was crazy because at least I had someone who wanted to marry me and treated me right.

Fountainfairfax - your words really hit home for me, tremendously insightful and probably the best thing anyone has said to me since this process began. Wow - such great wisdom from a total stranger - I am blown away.


I get flooded with feelings of guilt everyday and occassionally think I should go back just to make things easier and to ease the pain. He is so devastated and keeps telling me how much I have hurt him. I didn''t want to hurt him and I feel like I made a huge mistake letting it go on for so long when I had nagging doubts. But reading all of your advice makes me more confident in my decision. I am able to draw strenght from that.

Windy1365 - thanks for sharing your story. I am actually dating someone else whom I have known for years, and I am very afraid of the "rebound relationship". How to tell if its real or rebound is a question constantly rattling in my head.

As for the ring - I am going to take grandma''s diamond and make a pendant, and the pear shaped side stones will become earrings. Not sure about the rest. But that''s a long way off, right now I am still enjoying taking it out and admiring my work.

 

[ky6]

Sox-

I am sorry that you are currently experiencing the loss of this relationship, but I am so happy that you were brave enough to determine what was right for you and stick by it, even though it may be rough. I appreciate you sharing your story and wisdom.

As for the ring, I agree with fff and lovey- this is a great opportunity for you to make that ring take on a whole new meaning for you. Wear it proud as a rhr and as a reminder that you are strong enough to always to right by you and to be true to what you feel. Let it empower you!

 

[elepri]

Sox,
Sorry you''re going through this but it really takes a lot of guts to do what you did. I also don''t think that you "wasted" all this time in your relationship, if anything, it was an integral part of your growing process. As for the ring, if you like it as it is, I don''t see why you have to reset it. With your gm''s stone and your design, sounds like your ex had very little to do with it. Sound like it would make a great RHR that you can continue to enjoy.

 

[windy1365]

Sox - women are not the only ones that stay in a relationship even though they know the person is not ''the one''. Men do it, too. My long-term ex-boyfriend had my same personality... he didn''t want to be by himself... and he was needy. He was actually the one always pushing for us to get married, even though there is no way that it would have lasted. He was a very jealous person... so was I... mix that together, and it''s bad. Also, he wanted someone like his mother (he even said it) - someone very dependent on their husband... and very submissive. I am exactly the opposite of his mother. We always fought. But... even though I wouldn''t marry him... he stayed with me ... and even though I knew that I didn''t want to marry him, I stayed with him. For... four and a half years!! We could have broke up so much sooner and found a better match... but we were scared to be alone even for a couple of months.

My rebound guy was someone that I had become friends with while I was still with my boyfriend. I basically used him so that I could break up with my boyfriend and not be by myself until I found someone else that I really liked. It was not good that we were friends first because he knew all my secrets. During the relationship, he used this against me, and when we broke up, he tried to blackmail me with my past. I HATE him!! But... anyway... here are some ways to tell if it is just a rebound relationship:

1) Are you really attracted to him physically, or was he just there at the right time?
2) Do you find yourself looking for a new boyfriend - if yes... then he might be a rebound.
3) If you''re worried about him being a rebound, then the chances are good that he is a rebound.

And... I would rather be 30 and never married, than 22 and in a miserable marriage.... or already divorced. Even though I am marrying a great guy... I am still scared of getting married. You''re giving up your freedom. You are still free... and in NYC. I am so jealous!! So, here is an engaged girl, about to be married in 24 days, who is jealous of you!!

 

[Lurchie]

As a fellow Sox fan (make that obsessed freak) and as a friend to someone who just canceled her wedding, I had to send some encouragement and support. It sounds like you''ve made a very painful but brave decision to not settle for the luke-warm feelings you had about the whole thing. Do you know about the Red Sox bar in the Village? It might help you take your mind off things for a while. I also have a friend with season tickets at Fenway, so feel free to PM me if you''re interested in tickets!

 

[ammayernyc]

I''m sorry that you''re going through so much pain. But it''s good that you know what will work for you. Ending a long relationship is difficult and miserable, but imagine how horrible you would feel if you were in a marriage that you weren''t sure you wanted to be in?

Also, I live in NYC so if you want any ''local'' advice, I''m here for you!

 

[AChiOAlumna]

sox...

Wow! You sound like my alter ego! I went through SUCH a similar situation and I want to let you know that you did the right thing! I met "the one" in college, got engaged my senior year. The proposal was 1/2-a**ed (I asked him and then he asked me back!). We were a long-distance relationship, so when he got back into town several weeks later, we went to the maul and bought a ring. We planned the wedding (no...wait..."I" planned it because he was back at his school again!) and booked the spot...then the location had to pull out due to change in management. My mother and I chose a different location without his input, which he said was fine....so now I was doing all the planning...with no input from him.

Anyway...the week of my graduation, he decided to call it off...at the time I was crushed, but it gave me the freedom I needed to recognize that I was truly miserable. I needed the ring...the proposal...the wedding to feel okay...looking back on it now, had I married the guy I would''ve been miserable. None of that stuff is important if the substance of the relationship is weak...

About 8 months later, I met another gentleman. i was still on the rebound, but he wa patient and willing to talk to me about my pain while I diligentily dealt with his own trials and tribulations. We were engaged almost a year after we met and married 11 months after that. Now, I''m happily married for almost 10 years.

You did nothing wrong sox and you have so much insight as to what is needed to make a relationship work...while painful, it sounds like you made the right decision for you...don''t give up...you''ll find the right man for the right reasons and have the right relationship....

In the meantime, don''t let that beautiful ring seem tied to bad memories...you had to design and purchase it anyway (remember...you were adding money to HIS account!!! So you paid for that ring as well!) If it''s what you love, then wear it with pride!! It can serve as a reminder of what you are searching for....not what you left behind!!

 

[Diamonds4Me]

For a second there I thought you were describing my life. Its sad that you had to go through such an experience but at the same time I''m glad that I am not the only one. I was engaged to my highschool sweetheart. He was the ONLY guy I had ever dated and I was pretty much expected to marry him. I knew deep down that I did not love him and could not marry him because I just didn''t feel towards him the way that someone should feel towards the person they are going to spend the rest of their life with. The pear shaped diamond he gave me didn''t change my feelings towards him in the slightest.

Thankfully, just like you, I wised up, sucked it up, much to my family''s horror, and broke it off. It was tough feeling ''alone'' but in the end it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I found the most wonderful guy who I am now engaged to and life couldn''t be sweeter. I never knew I could love AND like someone at the same time.

I hope that you find true happiness. Don''t rush it. You''ll know when it''s right. And just like Matatora said. Take that ring and have a different stone put in it and reset the diamond into something else. That way you can enjoy both! Don''t think I wouldn''t do it in a heartbeat!

 

[sox]

Thanks so much for the continued support.

I have decided to wear my ring on my right hand since it didn''t look too much like a typical engagement ring anyway. Its a 1.0 carat rb with .25 carat pear shaped side stones with tiny diamonds set in the band.


Question for all you ladies who said they had been in similiar situations - when is it ok to date again? I know there is no hard and fast rule for this - just wondering what your opinions would be.

Many thanks.

 

[AChiOAlumna]

Date: 4/13/2005 7

4:49 PM
Author: sox
Question for all you ladies who said they had been in similiar situations - when is it ok to date again? I know there is no hard and fast rule for this - just wondering what your opinions would be.



Many thanks.

sox...

Like you said, there''s no hard or fast rule. I also believe there is a difference between dating and getting into a serious relationship. I was dating soon after I broke off all contact with my ex-FI, but I also could tell after 1 or 2 dates that the relationship wasn''t going anywhere. To be honest, looking back (hindsight is 20-20), I probably jumped into my relationship with my now-DH too early as I was still living with "ghosts" even through our wedding planning...I''m sure that added to the normal stressors of the wedding planning....

In answering your question, give yourself time to grieve and process the loss of your relationship. Give yourself to re-establish yourself on your own 2 feet again. Figure out who you are and what you want from a relationship and what you''re able to give. I think once you have a better idea to the answers to these questions, then you''ll be ready for a new relationship...

 

[windy1365]

If I were single and living in NYC... I would be trying out all of the fine male models in the city. I don''t know if you consider that dating, though.

Only you know when you are ready to start over again.

 

[Mara]

they say the rule is 1 month of singleness of every 1 year of togetherness.

but to me that is too short...when i broke it off with my boyfriend of 4 years previously, i wanted about a year or two of singleness...that was part of what i felt was holding me back in my old relationship, i felt like i had matured too fast and missed out on fun, younger life experiences, not to mention i also had the feeling i was trying to force myself to love this man when i knew he just wasn't for me--he was a great person and treated my very well but i just felt smothered. once out, i loved being on my own and rarely looked back at my old relationship...i felt like i had been trapped and was now free.

i met my now-husband about 8 months after that breakup...which i still felt was 'too soon'....so we dated, and i fought against getting into another relationship. well my now-hubby perservered, and 4 years later look as us now, our 1 year wedding anniversary is in a month.

turns out that in 8 months alone and living life, i learned enough about myself and what i really needed to figure out that it was the ex-bf and the forced feelings that had made me feel trapped and like i was missing out, not the relationship necessarily...it was not that i was missing out on single experiences, but rather that i was missing out on experiences with the * right person*. it was very different with my now-hubby which made all the difference in the world, the feelings i have for him are so different from my ex-relationship.

good luck, keep your chin up, you did the right thing...best of luck with your new life and know that there are many women out there who have been where you are....love yourself and just don't look back!

 

[kaylagee]

I'll definitely tell any daughters I have to date in rotations (say, of three suitors) until an official proposal.

The 'exclusive', boyfriend-girlfriend, long-term relationship trend has been responsible for so many broken hearts and lost time. Don't even get me started on living together.

I'm beyond retro when it comes to this business. I loved _The Rules_ by E. Fein and S. Schneider, also _Technique of the Love Affair_ by Doris Langley Moore/ed. Norrie Epstein.

I don't see it as game-playing... just old-fashioned dignity and common sense.

Sox, it was for the best since he sounded like a real limp noodle. One of our family friends has been waiting on some nut for 10 years!

I honestly don't think women should be waiting for anything. Just keep it moving until the right one catches you!

 

[acaweb]

Hi Sox...Thank you for sharing yourself and your experience

. It is helpful to women like myself and others like ''us'' who have to deal with commitment-phobic partners.

I have not been with my s/o that long; but I am also 41 years old. We have been dating 1 year 8 months. I know I am the type of person who wants to share her life with her significant other. After my marriage of 16 years I took time to date other men (I was just a baby when I married, so I never really dated)which I''m happy I did. My s/o (42 years old) and I are VERY compatible and I love him so much. I realize ''he'' has issues and fears with regard to marriage. He''s never been married; and though he set a tentative date of last November for marriage and we looked at rings/diamonds in September...we aren''t married and I don''t have a ring.

I have decided in my heart that if he doesn''t propose by a particular date; I have to prepare my heart to move on. I have communicated to him my concerns in a healthy manner, but he always trys to blow it off with ''words'' of what will happen in the future...yea right. I don''t believe him anymore, though I want to. When I found out he didn''t even get the ring done last month...I felt lied to.

I will be 42 in November- a single mom of an awesome 15 year old girl. When you date at my age; there is a definite ''goal'' in mind...to find the man you would spend the rest of your days with. I don''t want to expend anymore energy into a relationship that isn''t going to end up as forever.

I was recommended to read a book called

"He''s Scared, She''s Scared" by Steven Carter...awesome reading for anyone who is with a guy who ''says'' they will end up marrying us but their actions speak otherwise.

Again, SOX ...thanks for sharing yourself.