Cancelling the wedding.

[allycat0303]

Hi everyone,

As many of you know, my fiance''s father was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphocytic leukemia a few weeks ago.
of the bone marrow. Yesterday at their appointment with the doctor, his mom said "My son is getting married in 6 months and he needs to be there." The doctor counted off the months and said "There was no guarantee." The results of his last bone marrow showed 100% hypercellularity. Bear in mind that his last bone biopsy was negative, so this is a pretty aggressive cancer. I am in med school, but we don''t do obligatory rotations in Oncology. I know nothing about all of this. The doctor advised them against chemotherapy therapy based on the fact that with his father''s past cardiac history, believing that it would bring in very little risk benefit (GINGERBCOOKIE if you are lurking around and would chime in, that would be appreciated). I have talked to my fiance about getting a second opinion, but that is secondary.

Tonight we discussed canceling the wedding, but we were unsure of what to do. I told him I would post the situation on this site and get your opinions. He would like to read all of your responses to make the best decision.

So first off:

a) His parents (before this happened) were very, very excited about the wedding. They were very thrilled to have all of their extended family at the wedding. This was something that was very important to both his mother and father. It seems to me, (because his mom specifically mentioned the wedding during the doctor''s appointment) that this continues to be something important to them regardless of his father''s illness.

b) I feel like it''s disrespectful for us to be planning a wedding, when I think all of the attention should be focused on his father, spending time with him, and taking care of his health. My fiance agrees that a wedding would just be annoying at this point. He doesn''t want to feel that we should planning a celebration, when his father is dying.

c) If we cancel the wedding, we are afraid that his father might feel that he is responsible, and lose hope (or maybe the will to go on) or feel like we are turning our attention toward *palliative care* instead of keeping a strong, positive attitude. That makes us weary of calling it off.

Now many of you will probably say "Ask his father" this is not an option at this time, because they do not have that type of relationship. In addition, the entire family has decided to adopt a strong, positive attitude toward both his mother and his father. They are not acknowledging this (at this point, it''s not even a cancer, it''s an anemia). Which I respect, because everyone has the right to choose how they will face it.

We have talked to the venue about moving the wedding forward, and that is not possible. (Also a lot of constraints because I am the very last year, residency, licensing process.) And it doesn''t change the fact that neither of us wants to plan it because we feel horrible about it.

So what my fiance and I would like to know, is that how (as parents or children) that have gone through this, what would you prefer? AND I AM NOT talking about things like "oh I would feel guilty, so I would want us to continue" We want to know what would make you happiest? Obviously, if we called it off, I would make up a very nice and plausible excuse about why we are waiting.

Thank you ahead of time for your help. Both of us really appreciate it.

 

[neatfreak]

What about if you keep the wedding as is, but get married in a small intimate ceremony before then to make sure his dad could be there?

 

[vintagelover229]

Ah honey, my heart goes out to you during this hard stressful time. I have an idea, but I don''t know if it will help.

You say that they were very excited about the wedding planning etc. I would say, why don''t you have a small christmas ceremony for immedient family right now, and continue ahead with the plans for a larger ceremony later. Either at the time you already have it (if it isn''t to stressful, etc) or just wait until a later day to do it in your lives.

That way, you can still get married with those you love around you, etc.

Another option is to use the faciality for a family reunion, etc instead of a wedding if you get married sooner. Or, some places will let you "sell" or "sign over" your contract to another couple.

*HUGS*

 

[allycat0303]

Mostly because what matters MOST to his parents is having their extended family together (a family reunion I guess you could say.) I don''t know how much his parents care about the actual ceremony. I feel that it''s secondary next to the reception, where he can see all of his brothers and sisters (father that is).

At least that is what it was before.

My fiance also doesn''t feel that he wants to start our life together on such a sad note either. He feels that he is already in mourning now, and that a wedding should be a happy event, and he is not happy. And he doesn''t envision this changing in the next few months.

 

[FrekeChild]

I''m going to say to get married in a small ceremony as soon as you can, and continue with the wedding as planned later. I wish I could have done that for my mom. She would have loved that.

I think that having wedding planning around as a happy distraction would probably be good for your FFIL instead of focusing completely on him. It''s hard enough waiting around to die, and having everyone''s attention on you and they are waiting around for it to happen as well. I wouldn''t see it as disrespectful at all.

 

[Elmorton]

Ally, I''m so sorry to hear about your FFIL. My heart goes out to you and your FI.

I did not have a situation like yours, and I can''t imagine how hard it must be to make this decision. Reading your post, these are the points that really stuck out to me.

1) The family is excited about the wedding, but more in terms of the celebration and the extended family coming (ie, while they''re happy about the marriage, the wedding symbolizes a family celebration - the actual union is already assumed).

2)As a resident, moving up the wedding doesn''t work, and neither of you feel that it''s appropriate to plan a new wedding

How much of the wedding is already planned? When I was at the 6 mo. mark, there were still a few loose ends, but it really came down to a couple of dress fittings and showing up on the day. If the family is intent on the wedding, maybe it is best to not cancel it. Best case scenario - FFIL is able to see his son get married and his family celebrating together. Worst scenario - FMIL is able to look forward to a joyful event surrounded by family as she grieves. But, if the wedding is something you can absolutely not fathom at this time, then I think it''s best to follow your instincts and simply postpone.

Would it be possible to do Neatfreak''s idea? A small ceremony ASAP with a few family members? Maybe even something destination so the family could have a vacation together?

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Freke,

How are you doing? I hope that you are taking care of yourself. I am thinking of you. And I thought of you when I talked to my fiance. We cried together today, because reality set in, and I can''t imagine what you are going though.

Elmorton, They are set on the *wedding* I have nothing done. Really nothing. I was going to plan it in the month of April after my licensing exam. I am literally drowning in work.

You do make a good point though. My fiance can not fathom a wedding right now. And in his place, I would feel the same.

 

[decodelighted]

Man, I don''t know if this is going to be helpful or not but maybe?? I AM SO MAD FOR YOU. How infuriating that your stupid sister bumped your wedding a year later so she could marry that JERK who she is now divorcing. You could have had the party a year ago!

Can I be a steam valve for you?? Cuz I''m STEAMING!!!

As to what I''d want if I was the ailing parent -- ooof, I can''t even answer that. Its so hard to say what you *would* want until you''re actually in the situation. If he''s looking forward to the wedding and it would be a reason to keep on going - maybe you should keep going through the motions until April at least & see how it goes??

Sorry Ally!

 

[gtn]

Allycat, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. My DH''s father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and he did not want to plan a wedding and worry about his father at the same time. That worked for my DH. Although we weren''t married, his father always considered me his daughter and many of his father''s friend referred to me as his daughter in law. Doctors gave my FIL 6 months to live 3 years later, he lost his battle. In retrospect, I think we would have made it official in a smaller ceremony and then done the big wedding thing later. Of course, I think you need to do what feels right for both of you. Good luck with your decision

 

[KimberlyH]

Ally, my heart hurts for you. Can you pull together a wedding now, at someones'' home perhaps, a ceremony and cocktails/desserts/lunch/whatever and invite whomever is able to attend to meet the needs of family being together and then have the planned reception at a later date?

 

[DearBuddha]

I don''t know what advice I could give you that would be constructive, but I can tell you I will think of your situation and send some positive thoughts out into the universe for you and your loved ones<3

 

[Kaleigh]

Ally,
I don''t have an answer for you guys. I hope you two can find something that works. Just wanted to say I am sorry.

 

[Skippy123]

I don''t have any advice either but I want you to know your family is in my prayers and thoughts Ally.

 

[pocahontas]

Ally, unfortunately, I don''t have an answer for you either. Like Kaleigh and Skippers, I just wanted to pop in to say you and your FI and his family are in my thoughts and prayers!

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/5/2008 7:03:54 PM
Author: decodelighted
Man, I don''t know if this is going to be helpful or not but maybe?? I AM SO MAD FOR YOU. How infuriating that your stupid sister bumped your wedding a year later so she could marry that JERK who she is now divorcing. You could have had the party a year ago!

Can I be a steam valve for you?? Cuz I''m STEAMING!!!


As to what I''d want if I was the ailing parent -- ooof, I can''t even answer that. Its so hard to say what you *would* want until you''re actually in the situation. If he''s looking forward to the wedding and it would be a reason to keep on going - maybe you should keep going through the motions until April at least & see how it goes??


Sorry Ally!

Ditto every last word of this.

If he''s more excited about the party than the wedding, what about having a big engagement party and having everybody come?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I too want to extend my sincere sympathy to your, your fiance, and his family...

I love the idea of hosting a small intimate wedding now, and putting on the big show later--if you want.

You could still invite everyone important...family and close personal friends only though. It could be a true celebration of love, and made even more beautiful because of the meaning. And maybe, because it may be a hardship on some of your fiances family to travel on short notice, you could assist in ticket costs, or hotel accomidations inlue of some of the grand wedding pricey details.

It probably feels overwhelming to think about planning a whole new wedding in light of everything and with your work...but, once you make the decision I''m sure everyone on PS will be happy to help rally around you and your dear FI planning and ironing out details.

 

[oobiecoo]

My Uncle''s partner was diagnosed with cancer while I was planning my wedding. He had been in our family for over 30 years and no one told me he was sick until a month or two before the wedding. They didn''t want me to worry or add to my stress. I wish I had known sooner but it didn''t matter at that point. When they flew in to Texas they were able to see all of the family at the wedding and also had a lunch for friends in the area so people could see him for the last time.

I know its not my dad, just an uncle... but I know he never would have wanted me to cancel my wedding plans because he was sick.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I also think you should move ahead with plans for your wedding. When people have cancer, they can feel that they have "become" their cancer. People treat them differently; they treat them as "someone with cancer" rather than as the regular old them. The entire focus is the cancer, cancer, cancer. This is incredibly depressing and sad for the person with cancer. It''s not disrespectful to continue planning the wedding. The wedding may give FI''s dad something joyous to look foward to, and it may actually lift his spirits if all of his family''s energy isn''t focused solely on his cancer. It may actually give him something to hold on for.

 

[surfgirl]

Ally oi! Chau em...em khoe khong? So sorry to hear about your FFIL. I think it would so much more meaningful to have him at your wedding, dont you think? The sooner you do it, the better shape he''ll be in, yes? Why not plan a smaller Christmas wedding OR...maybe a wedding at Tet time? That''s a good opportunity to call the family together more quickly but still give a little time to plan, no? Tet is always a happy occasion too. Thinking of you sweetie...

 

[kbarro1]

Hi there. I am also one of the people who wishes I had the perfect answer for you. I read you post earlier in the day and did not reply, but continued to think about your situation and how hard it must be to have to make decisions like this at a time that is supposed to be full of happiness. Anyway, I was lying in bed trying to get settled by reading one of my many bridal magazines and low and behold, there is an article titled In Sickness and In Health in the Modern Bride magazine for Oct/Nov (incase you might have it!). It discusses the stories of people who had similar situation and their reactions/plans for their weddings. In the article it mention that Modern Bride has formed a support group called Be my Rock (www.bemyrock.org) that is dedicated to people in your situation and I know sometimes the best advice comes from those who have been in you shoes. So, I just wanted to post that b/c you might find some peace in others words there. You and your finace are in my prayers and I look up to you for being strong in this situation. Good luck to you both!

 

[choro72]

Hi date twin...I was thinking about you the whole day and I''m still not sure I can add anything constructive.
All I can say is, I think most people will say "This wasn''t how it was supposed to be, but I''m just glad I got to see my son get married to such a great girl." My thoughts are with you and your FI.

 

[honey22]

Date: 12/5/2008 6:24:38 PM
Author: neatfreak
What about if you keep the wedding as is, but get married in a small intimate ceremony before then to make sure his dad could be there?

Exactly what i was going to say. Have a small reall wedding for just immediate family, and then later throw your big bash. Get frocked up again, basically everything you were planning, just in case Dad isn''t there to see it. Fingers crossed for you sweetie.

 

[bee*]

Date: 12/6/2008 4:40:06 AM
Author: honey22

Date: 12/5/2008 6:24:38 PM

Author: neatfreak

What about if you keep the wedding as is, but get married in a small intimate ceremony before then to make sure his dad could be there?

Exactly what i was going to say. Have a small reall wedding for just immediate family, and then later throw your big bash. Get frocked up again, basically everything you were planning, just in case Dad isn''t there to see it. Fingers crossed for you sweetie.

I love this idea too. Do you think his parents would be up for it?

 

[allycat0303]

Last night, my fiance talked to his mother (after his father went to sleep) about a small wedding, and his mom said "what would be the point? No one would be there" It was basically what I thought she would say. I can read people pretty well. My parents didn''t like that idea either. They feel that it doesn''t say anything different to his father then canceling it outright, we''re still saying *we think you''re going to pass away soon* and at the same time my fiance would still just as sad. So we aren''t going to do a small ceremony. We may still continue as planned. I''m going to give it this weekend to see if we can readjust ourselves because his mom only told us yesterday night, so it''s very raw right now.

I feel like our lives (which we never really appreciated) went from being amazing to being so dark. I can''t think about anything except him passing away. Since we heard the news, it''s like nothing has the same significance as it did before. Everything is always, "Oh that''s a nice candle...M. is dying."

The WORST part is that his unexplained anemia has been present for at least 8 years. We pulled up all of his blood tests, but the family doctor never decided to investigate. And I am in NO WAY saying that it would have made a difference in prognosis. BUT, M is 72 years old. He worked as an electrical lineman in the U.S (Michigan) while his wife stayed here in Quebec for the last 30 years. They were together during the whole time, seeing each other every 2 weeks. He took a very late retirement at the age of 69 years old (not because he needed the money but because he LOVED his work.) They have only had 3 years together, and now he''s terminally ill?????? If he had known sooner, maybe he would have retired earlier and had more time together.

I DON''T want the next year to progress. I just want to stay right here in this moment.

 

[bee*]

I''m sorry ally-sending hugs. If you''re up for it, then I''d try and keep the original date as planned. It might give your FIL something to look forward to.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ally, we lost my mother-in-law 6 months after our wedding; three weeks before our wedding she fell, broke her back and landed in the hospital then rehab facility for a long period of time (we hired a nurse who escorted her from the rehab hospital to our wedding and back, the only way she was allowed to attend). It was very difficult time to be celebrating something so new and wonderful, our marriage, along with dealing with imminent loss -- she had many health issues and was elderly. I share all of this to let you know I empathize, and know that you and your fiance will do what is best for you and your family.

 

[jerseygrl]

Hi Allycat-

I am very sorry to hear about your future father in law''s recent diagnosis. I used to work in the hematologic malignancy division at a big cancer center and I would strongly urge your fiance''s family to get a second opinion at a large academic institution with a bone marrow transplant division. There are many different treatment pathways as well as clinical trials... Where does your fiance''s family live?

 

[lightseeker]

Alleycat...I am so sorry for you and your FF!!!

Please take the time that you both need to determine what YOU want. There will be some grief in whatever you choose, and I feel sad for you about that! I got engaged just three weeks after my 19 year old brother drowned, and married 9 months later. When it came time to take the brides family photos at the wedding my mom was in tears...because he wasn''t there! I still have those photos, with her trying bravely to smile...and they touch me...that''s what family is about. Sometimes the tears and the joy are mixed, sometimes people are missing that should have been there.

If it is important to your FFIL to see his extended family...then he and your FF''s mother should make that happen whether there is a wedding or not. If they would like your help in making that happen, see what you can do. They can make that thier priority whether there is a wedding or not.

You can''t predict how his illness will play out, so don''t feel responsible for "guessing" right. We all know people who got much more time that they thought that they would, and sometimes they get less. Two years ago my father died of lung cancer - in our first meeting with the oncologist after the diagnosis we were told that with treatment he could live 12 to 18 months - he began treatment rght away, but only lived for 6 1/2 weeks [got pneumonia - went into hospital on a Thursday, had a bad couple days, seemed to be doing better on Sunday - died in his sleep early Monday morning]. I am so glad for the time that we spent with him after the diagnosis. I would encourage you to just spend time with him now, and get married when you want to.

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 12/6/2008 5:55:02 AM
Author: allycat0303
Last night, my fiance talked to his mother (after his father went to sleep) about a small wedding, and his mom said ''what would be the point? No one would be there''

Allycat -- I''m so sorry this is her attitude. I know this is what you predicted, but still ...

The point is that her son commits to a woman he loves... that she gains a loving daugher-in-law... the point is that about your future as a family, and as members of each others'' families.

I trust her reaction reflects the shock of the diagnosis and all, but still...

.

 

[DMBFiredancer]

ally, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. i wish i had advice for you, but all i have is support and prayers...