Cancelling My Wedding

[sarie_j]

Because of some issues with FI''s 401(k) he now has over a $15k tax bill and told me yesterday that he can''t contribute anything to the wedding. He finally tells me this just a little over a month out bc he says he didn''t want to let me down... Anyway, where we are none of our reservations except photographer required deposits so the entire cost almost is due day of/ next day and there''s no way that I can cover the costs on my own. I feel like I just got hit by a truck, I knew all along that things were going to well but let myself get excited anyway... He said he would try to figure out something, but at this point I really see no way to go ahead with our plans....

Anyways, I just wanted to thank you guys for all your help - it was a lot of fun while it lasted.

 

[anchor31]

Wow, I''m sorry you''re going through this! I can''t imagine why he didn''t tell you before if he knew... I''m so sorry, and I wish you the best. *hugs*

 

[sarie_j]

That''s pretty much what I said - it would have saved me some embarrassment as I have been talking about it quite a bit lately at work and school -- Also, now how to retract invites...

 

[robbie3982]

Oh no! Sarie, I''m so sorry! That sucks!

 

[snuga]

I''m so sorry to hear about this! I wish you all the best!

 

[oshinbreez]

I''m sorry to hear about your problems. But I was wondering if you are still getting married? You can have a nice wedding without all the frills.

 

[ljmorgan]

That is truly awful, I am so sorry to hear that. You two can still get married! It only takes two people, someone to perform the ceremony, and a witness! What a difficult thing to find out there. I am REALLY curious what sort of "problem" he had with his 401K that caused a 15k tax bill... unless he took a lot of money out from it.

 

[onedrop]

Sarie_j: I am so sorry to hear about the cancellation of your wedding. It''s got to be tough when unforseen issues pop up and put a stop to all of your plans. That said, I have to echo the others who have said that you can still get married, just make smaller-scale plans if you so choose. Hopefully you have not cancelled the marriage plans as well. In any event, I wish you well in getting through this tough time.

 

[KimberlyH]

sarie, I am so very sorry.

 

[cellososweet]

oh no love! i really can''t offer you any advise but hugs. We had to cancel our wedding twice due to financial reasons. My father lied about his financial situation and let me flounce around town making reservations, booking things, talking about it to all my friends. I just want to let you know that I know what you mean when you say you feel like you''ve been hit by a truck. It''s such a numb feeling having to cancel your wedding. to make you feel better though, have your FI tell people, in a short and not too personal way, why you are cancelling the wedding. it hurt so bad when i had to tell everyone and i felt like my father got off the hook because he didn''t have to answer to anyone. so definitely have your FI help you out on that one. and. . . i think you two might need to talk about this 401k disaster. i don''t know if that''s something that just happens overnight :-/

 

[cellososweet]

p.s.- i didn''t read the other responses. *doh* yes, you can still get married. and yes, all it takes is you two, an officiant and a minister. me and my husband got so frustrated with cancelling the wedding and just wanted to be married, so we mosied on down to the courthouse. it was actually really special because we didn''t need a witness and it was just us two (and they had a chapel so that took the sterile courthouse aspect out of it). then. . if money comes up you can have a wedding later. we''re planning one for next year because we came into some money. just make sure you do what will be right for you.

 

[neatfreak]

Sarie, I am so sorry to hear about that. That is such a horrible situation to have to be in! Everything will work out in the end.

How about keeping the date and just having a BBQ or picnic at a local park after the ceremony? That would be really nice too and would ensure that you don''t have to cancel the wedding/call everyone. I echo the comment that your FI should make many of the phone calls since it was something he did that has corrupted your plans.

I hope things get better fast!

 

[akw94]

Sarie, sorry to hear about the change in wedding plans. I do hope you''re able to still do something. I don''t know what your initial plans are but I can say from my own experience, it is possible to do a wedding much cheaper than most would expect. I have just made a lot of compromises and very specific decisions on each item (rather than going w/packages) and it''s more affordable than I imagined.
I hope everything works out for you!

 

[Independent Gal]

Sarie, is there any way the IRS might let him pay over time? I''ve heard that they can be very reasonable about that kind of thing if there''s a good reason for it. Maybe pay half this year, half next? I don''t have any personal experience of it though so not sure if it''s true. (But I assume your FI didn''t do anything dodgy? They''d probably be less inclined to ''negotiate'' if they''re a little miffed with him!)

So sorry you''re going through this.

 

[niku414]

so sorry to hear this

hope everything will work out eventually and you will get to plan your "perfect" wedding

 

[whenharrymetsally]

Sarie,

i''m so sorry you are going through this. Perhaps you two can just get married with an officiant and two close friends as witnesses and celebrate with friends and family at a later date?

 

[DMBsGirl]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope everything works out.

 

[winternight]

OMG I''m so sorry! Seriously that''s awful! I would also have a talk with your fiance about finances and openess. I don''t understand how a 401k could lead to a tax bill unless he''s taking money out or maybe if he completely overfunded it - but that latter choice seems super unlikely. You really need to know what happened there. Sorry again.

 

[decodelighted]

I have a stinkin'' feeling that this "tax problem" might be the tip of the iceburg. Is he a gambler? Has he been playing the stock market with his 401K money & lost it? Drugs? Losing a huge sum of $$$ (it has to be pretty huge if he owes 15K of taxes & can''t pay) doesn''t just happen.

I''d be asking A LOT OF QUESTIONS about this situation before you even THINK about marrying him now.

 

[Finding_Neverland]

I am sorry for you Sarie, that you''ve been dealt this blow.

I agree with others here that you 2 need to sit down and chat about finances and this situation in particular.

That type of tax bill probably came from a rather large withdrawal. Depending on whether he can itemize or not (home mortgage interest deductions and such), that size tax bill could be the result of a $50K-$100K withdrawal.

This is something you 2 need to discuss. You need to know exactly what happened and why.

Both of you need to begin marriage with total honesty, in good faith and trust.

 

[sarie_j]

Guys first off I just wanted to thank y''all for all your replies -- I was feeling really down and just couldn''t even look at this forum (I know it sounds silly, but I wanted nothing to do with anything wedding related)

As for the withdrawal I did know about it at the time, it was $100k to avoid a construction loan for our home - long story, family land and not being in only FI''s name made it difficult to get the financing before anything was built as bank treated it as no collateral (since have had land put into mine and FI''s name) - I believe the problem came in when FI didn''t pay as much attention to fine print as he should have. Withdrawals for first time homes are tax exempt only in the case that the loan options against the retirement account are exhausted. He didn''t want the loan because he thought it would be better to not have to pay that portion back, (when I asked him about it after all this drama he said it seemed kind of like it was free - lol, I told him nothing is free) and thought the tax exempt status applied to any amount applied toward a first time home period. Costly though it was, it was just a mistake on his part. I do appreciate the warnings though, I don''t know if anyone remembers from other threads, but I was married once before to a complete deadbeat and there were tons of warning signs that I completely didn''t even realize that would have saved me tons and tons of grief.

Anyway - the non-contribution part was FI''s freak-out over finding this out. After applying all the energy tax breaks from the new appliances, the sales tax breaks from everything else we bought from furniture to flooring, and the small but appreciated telephone tax break the nice lady got it down to a little over $11k. Still A LOT of money, but better than before. We each only carry 2 credit cards currently, so FI got the new bank of america amex and put it on that. The IRS does do payment plans at a steep interest rate, but the new card has 0% interest for first 2 years so we''re gonna pay like crazy to get rid of it before the timer goes off.

On a happy note they have a great rewards program, and this charge puts us quite a bit on our way to a nice vacation for next year

We just got all this worked out, so my wedding is back on track at pretty much what it was before, but again I just wanted to thank you guys and I''m sorry it took me so long to reply, like I said until everything was back to normal I just couldn''t think about anything wedding related-- It''s kind of funny, when I started I was dreading all the planning, etc., then when it seemed I couldn''t do it my heart was absolutely broken. Weird how much I have come to be excited about all of it --

You guys really are the bestest, bestest, bestest, way better than that other board girls!!!

 

[Dandi]

OMG sarie WOW, fantastic news! I''m so glad you guys got it worked out in the end... welcome back!!!

 

[sarie_j]

Thanks so much - I think this is the most excited I''ve been in years!!!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 3/27/2007 1:12:43 PM
Author: cellososweet
p.s.- i didn''t read the other responses. *doh* yes, you can still get married. and yes, all it takes is you two, an officiant and a minister. me and my husband got so frustrated with cancelling the wedding and just wanted to be married, so we mosied on down to the courthouse. it was actually really special because we didn''t need a witness and it was just us two (and they had a chapel so that took the sterile courthouse aspect out of it). then. . if money comes up you can have a wedding later. we''re planning one for next year because we came into some money. just make sure you do what will be right for you.

That''s what we did... it was more of a time thing than a money thing, but it did give everyone involved an extra couple years to save. We got married on a wednesday at the courthouse so that we could have a proper renewal with friends and family ON our 2nd anniversary. I wouldn''t go so far as to say "wedding" and "marriage" are 100% mutually exclusive, but you can definitely have one without the other!

That said, my *bigger* concern would be that as you merge lives, you merge money and you need to start working *together* on the $$ issues and he shouldn''t keep problems from you.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Okay wow, I just read your later reply and have to say whew - glad it all worked out!!!!

 

[anchor31]

I''m so glad everything worked out! Best wishes, and have fun planning!

 

[onedrop]

Happy to know it all worked out for the best, and you don''t have to make major changes!

 

[blingergrrrl]

I''m a little late in responding here, but I am so sorry you had to go through all that stress. I am glad that the two of you have worked out the problem together. All the more reason you guys are great together!