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Can you share a time when you realized a friend wasn't really your friend?

missy

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This is a hard thread so not sure who is willing to participate. We are all at different stages in our lives so different things matter to us. However one thing is steady throughout the years. And that is who is a true friend.

I have a few true blue friends who have been with me through the decades. My very best friend of course is my DH. But I have a few true friends who have been true friends since I was young (early twenties and even before) and they have always stayed the course with me and me with them.

During different times in our lives of course we need different things and friends come and go. Those are usually not our true friends as IMO true friends stay through good and bad and are there for you as you are for them through it all. Now we also have a need for friendly acquaintances of course as life is made up of a variety of relationships. So nothing wrong with that. There only is an issue with this (for me) when said friend acts as if she is a true and great and dear friend vs the superficial friend she really is. As I wrote above I think we have a need for all different types of people in our lives and superficial aka friendly acquaintances are all well and good and have their place. It's just when that place comes from a lie that it becomes a problem for me.

But I am curious about your experience with a friend who you thought was true blue but turned out to not be a real friend after all.

friendshipcalvinandhobbes.jpg
 
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luv2sparkle

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This thread is so where I am at right now. My daughter married the son of close friends we have had for 25 years. I always thought this woman was one of my closest friends but ever since the kids got together it has been a nightmare. She is classic passive-aggressive. She continually tries to put a wedge between my daughter and me. (she has not succeeded). She lies about stupid stuff continually.

I could spend a really long time telling you all the stuff she has said and done. I try really hard to just love her and be her friend in spite of it all. I don't respond or react to the hurtful things she has said and done. I don't tell anyone other than my DH and my adult kids at home. (I have to let it out somewhere). I don't tell my daughter most of it. She is in a friend group that has met for the last 30 years. Many of them see her for who she is, but I don't share with them what she has done or said. My heart was that we would be able to be there for each other for the long haul. I thought I would include her in stuff I did with my daughter. I don't think that anymore. She wants to take my place with my daughter.

I can never get away from her. If I could I would walk away and never see her again. I wish I could. I really think all of this comes from jealousy on her part. I would not want her to be jealous. It sounds awful to even say that. It is really dumb stuff. She came from a really wealthy family and ten years ago they lost everything. Her worth was based on that. DH and I didn't have that growing up so we learned how to do things. Its all so convoluted, I don't know that I could even explain it all. Its just all so incredibly painful and there is nothing I can do to change it. But I never wanted any of it. If I had my way, we would be friends that are there for one another. She was really there for our family when my son was injured in a car accident 15 years ago. When I am most upset about something I replay in my head all the kind things she did for me then. Otherwise, I would really want to give her some choice words.

A couple weeks ago, one of her sons got married. We went to the wedding. It was a weekend in another state. She said and did some hurtful things. She went to my daughter and said that I had said and done things that I did not. She lied and twisted what I said to her completely. She said and did rude stuff to both my husband and myself. I am still kind of reeling from that weekend. Trying to get over it and set it aside. But it is hard every time.
 

dk168

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I was on a message board and fell out with peeps for whatever reasons, and when I tried to contact some of those whom I thought were friends about leaving the board, none of them bothered to respond. Hey ho.

Friends come and go, and it is a 2-way thing.

DK :))
 

missy

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I’m so sorry @luv2sparkle that’s a tough situation since you are forever linked through your DD’s marriage to their son. You’re making the best of a bad situation and rising above it as best you can. It’s all you can do. I’m so sorry. I don’t understand people’s behavior sometimes.

@dk168 I agree it’s a 2 way street but what I’m talking about is when the other person insists what great friends you are and then her behavior is hurtful and quite the opposite of what a good friends behavior would be. Yes friends come and go but imo true friends are just that.
 

dk168

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@missy, got you, oops!

I don't have time for peeps who are hurtful, demanding, manipulative, needy etc...

I cut off my own sister as I can't stand her, let alone others who are not blood related!

May be that's why peeps think I am cold and unapproachable, as I do not suffer fools.

DK :))
 

MaisOuiMadame

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I haven't experienced this (yet? ) and my heart goes out to everyone who has... I had a narcissistic manipulative "friend" once, but I never relied on her or thought of her to be a true blue friend. I was doing A LOT stuff for her and she did manipulate me into some guilt trips, but I take it as a lesson learned. When she was nasty to me during my dad's last weeks and used a suicide threat as a last resort to get attention, that was our last conversation.
A an upside I can spot narcs much better now. Planning on teaching my kids about their patterns and manipulative ways.
 

MaisOuiMadame

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@luv2sparkle, so sorry this is happening to you. You're a great mum. You are taking the high road for your dd, and that shows how much you care. In cases where you cannot or do not wish to go no contact, trying to limit contact might help. I have had good results with consciously distancing myself from the situation and that person in my mind. Remember : everything she says about others, her hurt soul truly and really thinks about herself. This mantra really helps in those situations. Keep close to your daughter and stay strong!!!
I can't imagine, @missy, how hurtful it must be to be let down by someone who you thought to be a REAL friend. I'm sorry!!
 

missy

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@missy, got you, oops!

I don't have time for peeps who are hurtful, demanding, manipulative, needy etc...

I cut off my own sister as I can't stand her, let alone others who are not blood related!

May be that's why peeps think I am cold and unapproachable, as I do not suffer fools.

DK :))

I am with you completely. My problem is I always give people the benefit of the doubt and sometimes give them more than one chance. But I have learned a valuable lesson. And will not allow her to manipulate me any more. It's hard because while I joke around that I prefer animals to people (and I do for good reason) it is still super hurtful to be lied to and manipulated. But I like your "I do not suffer fools approach"! Amen to that.
 

missy

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@luv2sparkle, so sorry this is happening to you. You're a great mum. You are taking the high road for your dd, and that shows how much you care. In cases where you cannot or do not wish to go no contact, trying to limit contact might help. I have had good results with consciously distancing myself from the situation and that person in my mind. Remember : everything she says about others, her hurt soul truly and really thinks about herself. This mantra really helps in those situations. Keep close to your daughter and stay strong!!!
I can't imagine, @missy, how hurtful it must be to be let down by someone who you thought to be a REAL friend. I'm sorry!!

Thanks Kipari. I appreciate your kind wishes and I am A OK. This isn't the first time she did this to me so I am not super surprised. But just super disappointed. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people I have in my life. No complaints. I am very fortunate in that I have some amazing people in my life.
 

Ally T

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Sorry to here this @missy

The only time I can think of was a really good friend I met when I was at school. She moved to the area with her husband & two very young babies. She was older than me, very wealthy husband & a mutual friend put us in touch as she needed a babysitter. Her husband was a long haul Pilot & her social life was exhausting - I spent more time feeding & putting her children to bed than I spent with my own family.

Over the years we became good friends. When she was divorcing, I was that rock. I knew her husband well, I liked him a lot, but I had to not take sides & do the best for the girls as I could. After the divorce & the girls had become early teens & able to look after themselves, we started going to pubs, parties & clubs together & my goodness, I had a wild few years! It was fabulous!

When I met Mr T, she instantly changed. Our relationship became very serious very quickly, and several times she told me I was making a mistake. It felt a bit exhausting, but I muddled on trying to rise above the nasty comments & be a good friend. The night we went out to celebrate my engagement, she was there with her now late teen girls, had a look at my ring, said congrats & made excuses to leave. Communication was sporadic after that & usually me trying to get in touch with her. The day before my wedding, she text to say she couldn't make it as the girls both had Norovirus. After that, zero replies to my calls & messages.

About 3 years later, one of the girls got in touch through Fbook to ask how I was & why I hadn't been in touch for years. We met, it was emotional. Turns out neither of them were ill on my wedding & they were excited to be wearing their new outfits, until their mum told them they were unable to go as I had over counted & had to cut some people off the guest list. They were devastated. Since then she has become a recluse. The girls have grown into beautiful young women with lovely husbands & children, whom their mother has never been invited to meet. They have no contact, but are very close to their father & to me. They say that I was more of a mother to them than she ever was. I go out of my way each year to visit the oldest girl, who lives in Cyprus with her family, and I try really hard to not judge their mother.

But still to this day, I feel hurt. She told the girls that once I had become engaged, our dynamics would change & she wasn't up for that. She wanted her single party friend back. It makes me sad, but it is what it is.
 

missy

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And @kipari I am sorry you experienced an NPD and good for you for realizing it and taking measures to get away from her negative behavior. That is a very healthy way to deal with it.
 

missy

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@Alex T I am so sorry. Sounds like she was jealous of you and that is not how a true friend behaves. A true friend is thrilled when good things happen for their friend and devastated when bad things happen. You have a right to feel hurt and I am so sorry. She wasn't a true friend but from what you wrote sounds jealous and petty and manipulative. So glad you found your soulmate despite her attempts to thwart that relationship.
 

MamaBee

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I’m sorry @missy that you are hurt by someone you thought was a close friend. A friend isn’t only there in the good times..but when things aren’t all sunshine and flowers. It is her loss..I know it doesn’t make you feel better but she is missing out..not you. At least you know what kind of person she is and you are not investing your heart into someone that doesn’t deserve it. I’ve had that happen with quite a few friends when I had David. When they found out he was autistic they dropped like flies..One girl stuck by me out of a bunch...She would just come and sit with me..and bring us lunch...whatever was in her fridge. She would also offer to babysit so I could take a bath or go to the store when he was difficult..I didn’t take her up on her offers...but she meant it and I really appreciated the friendship..
@luv2sparkle You’re in a difficult situation...I love that you are taking the high road and not resorting to being mean back...
 

dk168

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@missy, if I don't like someone, he/she will definitely know about it as I cannot hide it.
If someone does not like me, it is his/her problem, not mine, and I won't lose any sleep over it.

DK :))
 

luv2sparkle

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I am with you completely. My problem is I always give people the benefit of the doubt and sometimes give them more than one chance. But I have learned a valuable lesson. And will not allow her to manipulate me any more. It's hard because while I joke around that I prefer animals to people (and I do for good reason) it is still super hurtful to be lied to and manipulated. But I like your "I do not suffer fools approach"! Amen to that.

I so agree with you Missy. This is my problem exactly. I do my best to get over it and treat her as a friend and I find myself thinking maybe she has changed and then I get sucked in again. Its such a vicious cycle, but one I can't get out of unfortunately. I feel continually lied to and manipulated. Anyone else I would walk away from and stay away.
 

missy

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I’m sorry @missy that you are hurt by someone you thought was a close friend. A friend isn’t only there in the good times..but when things aren’t all sunshine and flowers. It is her loss..I know it doesn’t make you feel better but she is missing out..not you. At least you know what kind of person she is and you are not investing your heart into someone that doesn’t deserve it. I’ve had that happen with quite a few friends when I had David. When they found out he was autistic they dropped like flies..One girl stuck by me out of a bunch...She would just come and sit with me..and bring us lunch...whatever was in her fridge. She would also offer to babysit so I could take a bath or go to the store when he was difficult..I didn’t take her up on her offers...but she meant it and I really appreciated the friendship..
@luv2sparkle You’re in a difficult situation...I love that you are taking the high road and not resorting to being mean back...

I am so sorry Joanne, boggles the mind that people did that to you. Having an autistic child is challenging but IMO it's a special gift. I know no harder job exists but I also know there is no greater reward and David is so lucky to have you. I look at times/experiences like this as a gift. A way to separate the wheat from the chaff so to speak. And yeah, true friends are there through it all. Not just when the going is fun and easy. Real life always gets in the way. True friends are there for the entire journey as you are for them. (((Hugs))).
 

MamaBee

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I am so sorry Joanne, boggles the mind that people did that to you. Having an autistic child is challenging but IMO it's a special gift. I know no harder job exists but I also know there is no greater reward and David is so lucky to have you. I look at times/experiences like this as a gift. A way to separate the wheat from the chaff so to speak. And yeah, true friends are there through it all. Not just when the going is fun and easy. Real life always gets in the way. True friends are there for the entire journey as you are for them. (((Hugs))).

It was a long time ago @missy..so it doesn’t hurt anymore..I’m always surprised how shallow some people can be..Of course, there there still wonderful people..but the shallow ones seem to be gaining in number..:twisted2: ((Hugs back))
 
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Tekate

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I am very lucky, I have never had a friend like that. I have had friends be uninterested in my life when I needed them but they didn't diss me to others, wreak havoc in my life, they just either didn't get I needed their assistance or they just couldn't help and blew me off. Now I've had family members do real crap to me, I was lucky though, it was a great aunt and great uncle and I never spoke or had any interaction with them.

We don't know when we start friendships that our friend could be a sociopath, many sociopath's aren't killers, they are just without a soul or morales. My former SIL (my brother died so I have zero contact).. was a really sick, sociopath who upset everyone and everyone but me let her get away with, but in confronting her I lost my brother and we didn't speak for 20 years.. she did some really really horrendous things around and after my brother died to my sister and my aunt, she one sick bitch, I wish her hell, which is the absence of light or God or love all three or one I dunno, but you have to watch out for the socipathic friends, sometimes they don't show true color till many years.

It is heartbreaking to be so used, and abused by a so called friend, my heart to everyone who has.
 

MamaBee

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I so agree with you Missy. This is my problem exactly. I do my best to get over it and treat her as a friend and I find myself thinking maybe she has changed and then I get sucked in again. Its such a vicious cycle, but one I can't get out of unfortunately. I feel continually lied to and manipulated. Anyone else I would walk away from and stay away.

@luv2sparkle I have a similiar situation with an in-law. I think I make her crazy because when she’s mean I just ignore it...and will continue to be nice to her. She has been in the family for years now..and she is much less sharp with her tongue. I treat her like she’s a little crazy and speak softly to her..and continue to be nice..It’s probably a little passive aggressive on my part...but it’s the only way I know how to handle it...I have nothing invested in the relationship other than keeping the peace so it’s not stressful to me...Other family members know she’s bitter so it isn’t just directed at me. I would just continue to be kind but I wouldn’t treat her like a friend. I would be polite, always nice..but detached.
 

missy

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I am very lucky, I have never had a friend like that. I have had friends be uninterested in my life when I needed them but they didn't diss me to others, wreak havoc in my life, they just either didn't get I needed their assistance or they just couldn't help and blew me off. Now I've had family members do real crap to me, I was lucky though, it was a great aunt and great uncle and I never spoke or had any interaction with them.

We don't know when we start friendships that our friend could be a sociopath, many sociopath's aren't killers, they are just without a soul or morales. My former SIL (my brother died so I have zero contact).. was a really sick, sociopath who upset everyone and everyone but me let her get away with, but in confronting her I lost my brother and we didn't speak for 20 years.. she did some really really horrendous things around and after my brother died to my sister and my aunt, she one sick bitch, I wish her hell, which is the absence of light or God or love all three or one I dunno, but you have to watch out for the socipathic friends, sometimes they don't show true color till many years.

It is heartbreaking to be so used, and abused by a so called friend, my heart to everyone who has.

I am so sorry @Tekate about the havoc your SIL wreaked on your relationship with your brother may he rest in peace.

To be clear, I don't think my fake "friend" is a sociopath rather, she has bad judgment and let someone influence her who is a sociopath IMO. I do not think she is a bad person but with me she behaved badly. And is a hypocrite to boot. I do not care for and even abhor hypocritical behavior. However it is what it is and I have moved on grateful for the lesson and so thankful for my true friends.

Hugs to you Kate the very great and wise.
 

Wewechew

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I had a "good" friend on and off for years. We finally went our separate ways for several years after a big blow out fight. She was doing some things in her life I didn't agree with and I took a step back. She took that as me not being supportive of her.

I also had the issue of never knowing how she was really doing in her life. If you aren't doing great but don't want to talk about it when I ask how you are doing, just say "not great but I'll be ok." She would respond with "great!!!!", and then I would find out six months later what had really been going on in her life (after she would ghost me and then come back). I realized you can't be friends with someone who isn't authentic. The ghosting after intense periods of friendship was a also a re-occurring theme.

Anyways, we went several years without speaking and got back in touch recently. She was my best buddy texting me everyday until we finally hung out... then the communication ended again. It's hard, but I have to remind myself that the friendship I thought we had never really existed. You can't be a true friend with someone that actively lies to you about their life.

At this point it is what it is. I "like" her photos on IG/FB, but I don't go out of my way to text her while she is currently in her distant phase. I'm sure she will come around again in six months to a year, which is fine as I've put up some emotional boundaries with her.

Edited to change some identifying features.
 
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Austina

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We have been very good friends with a couple for many years, and after we had a very difficult time with family, they were there for us. We decided we’d like to do something special for them, so invited them on a cruise with us for their milestone birthdays. They were very happy to accept our gift, and even said it was a once in a lifetime experience that they’d never forget, and they’d never be able to repay our kindness or generosity.

While we were driving from the port in Miami to Orlando for the flight home, they both said they’d love to spend time in Florida. A couple of years later, we asked them if they’d like to come to Florida with us, we had enough air miles for their flights, and as we were going anyway, we were happy to rent a house and car, so they’d only need their spending money. They said they’d love to go, so we booked it, taking in to account the date their grandchild was due, and leaving plenty of time for the baby being late etc. Right after we booked everything, I got a call saying they wouldn’t be coming because their son had asked them to babysit (he also said if they couldn’t do it, they had a back up). We were rather surprised that they’d just dump us like that, and DH even looked at them coming for a week so they could get back to babysit, but she just said no thanks.

When we were on the cruise, we said if they enjoyed it, we’d do it again for my big birthday. Needless to say, we didn’t even mention it after that, despite my friend dropping hints about whether we were doing anything special for it. She even forgot our 40th anniversary last year.

I think they resent us for being in a position to do it, despite being happy enough to accept it.
 

LLJsmom

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Hard thread @missy courageous of you to broach.
Yes, once in middle school and it still hurts but I understand. And I still really care about her and wish her the best. I just didn’t fit into her new identity or life anymore.
Then again with the person I thought was my best friend in high school. She completely disappeared when we graduated. That one still baffles me.
THen again in the recent five years. It still makes me sad but it hurts less because I don’t really allow myself to place expectations on people not in my immediate family or legally required to stay married to me. LOL.
 

missy

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Hard thread @missy courageous of you to broach.
Yes, once in middle school and it still hurts but I understand. And I still really care about her and wish her the best. I just didn’t fit into her new identity or life anymore.
Then again with the person I thought was my best friend in high school. She completely disappeared when we graduated. That one still baffles me.
THen again in the recent five years. It still makes me sad but it hurts less because I don’t really allow myself to place expectations on people not in my immediate family or legally required to stay married to me. LOL.

Dear @LLJsmom you are a true friend and I know you are here for me no matter what as I am for you. And as for that hurt recently you know I feel your pain. When you give your all to someone and they repay you with disappearing well there is no way for a sane person not to feel betrayed, hurt etc.

It just comes down to the fact that person was not a true friend and yes it hurts but with time it stings less. And as @kenny says people vary. Some are wonderful and some are not. LOL.

And as for expectations you are so right. Greg says don't place any on people and I won't be disappointed or hurt. True that. But what a world when you cannot expect the best of others.

(((HUGS))).
 

missy

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We have been very good friends with a couple for many years, and after we had a very difficult time with family, they were there for us. We decided we’d like to do something special for them, so invited them on a cruise with us for their milestone birthdays. They were very happy to accept our gift, and even said it was a once in a lifetime experience that they’d never forget, and they’d never be able to repay our kindness or generosity.

While we were driving from the port in Miami to Orlando for the flight home, they both said they’d love to spend time in Florida. A couple of years later, we asked them if they’d like to come to Florida with us, we had enough air miles for their flights, and as we were going anyway, we were happy to rent a house and car, so they’d only need their spending money. They said they’d love to go, so we booked it, taking in to account the date their grandchild was due, and leaving plenty of time for the baby being late etc. Right after we booked everything, I got a call saying they wouldn’t be coming because their son had asked them to babysit (he also said if they couldn’t do it, they had a back up). We were rather surprised that they’d just dump us like that, and DH even looked at them coming for a week so they could get back to babysit, but she just said no thanks.

When we were on the cruise, we said if they enjoyed it, we’d do it again for my big birthday. Needless to say, we didn’t even mention it after that, despite my friend dropping hints about whether we were doing anything special for it. She even forgot our 40th anniversary last year.

I think they resent us for being in a position to do it, despite being happy enough to accept it.

I am so sorry Austina. It sounds like they do resent you and true friends do not behave that way IMO. You are so generous and were with them and they treated you unkindly IMO. Luckily you and your dh are wonderful people and your lives are filled with (mostly) wonderful people. XOXO
 

missy

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I had a "good" friend on and off for years. We finally went our separate ways for several years after a big blow out fight. She was doing some things in her life I didn't agree with and I took a step back. She took that as me not being supportive of her.

I also had the issue of never knowing how she was really doing in her life. If you aren't doing great but don't want to talk about it when I ask how you are doing, just say "not great but I'll be ok." She would respond with "great!!!!", and then I would find out six months later what had really been going on in her life (after she would ghost me and then come back). I realized you can't be friends with someone who isn't authentic. The ghosting after intense periods of friendship was a also a re-occurring theme.

Anyways, we went several years without speaking and got back in touch recently. She was my best buddy texting me everyday until we finally hung out... then the communication ended again. It's hard, but I have to remind myself that the friendship I thought we had never really existed. You can't be a true friend with someone that actively lies to you about their life.

At this point it is what it is. I "like" her photos on IG/FB, but I don't go out of my way to text her while she is currently in her distant phase. I'm sure she will come around again in six months to a year, which is fine as I've put up some emotional boundaries with her.

Edited to change some identifying features.

I'm sorry @Wewechew, emotional boundaries can be lifesaving and so wise of you to take those steps. Sometimes we mourn the loss of who we thought was a true friend but what we are mourning is not the loss of the friendship per se but more the loss of how we imagined the friendship was and hoped it would be but never really was. If that makes sense.
 

House Cat

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She was my best friend, then she tried to sleep with my boyfriend. When that didn’t work, she tried to sleep with my dad.

the end.
 

MamaBee

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She was my best friend, then she tried to sleep with my boyfriend. When that didn’t work, she tried to sleep with my dad.

the end.

Omg @House Cat I’m so sorry..That’s evil...
 

MaisOuiMadame

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Thanks Kipari. I appreciate your kind wishes and I am A OK. This isn't the first time she did this to me so I am not super surprised. But just super disappointed. I am so thankful for all the wonderful people I have in my life. No complaints. I am very fortunate in that I have some amazing people in my life.
I think it all comes down to jealousy, sadly. I find this is such a horrible trait in humans. You are such a kind person and blessed with good friends and in a happy marriage. Instead of being happy for you, some people just can't take it. As if your joy would take anything away from them...To me, joy shared is joy multiplied.
 
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