Can you NOT invite a significant other?

[allycat0303]

I told my guy I would post this on PS and adhere to whatever advice you gals give me.

So one of my guy''s closest friends is named E. So E has a girlfriend of 5 years (I''ll call her M) and they live together and everything.

About 1 year ago M sent my guy text messages, bought him little presents. Invited my guy over to their house when E wasn''t home. AND they really don''t know each other well enough for this. So I got the sense she was trying to get my guy. It was a little bizzare, but then she just stopped/lost intrest.

For E''s birthday, M invited my guy (and the invitation was extended to me) to a party at her house. I came, she never spoke to me (not one word, and ignored me when I spoke to her) and basically invited all of the girlfriends to go downstairs and watch a movie, EXCEPT me. I basically spent the whole evening in a corner.

AND she''s a nurse at a hospital where I''ve had rotations. Been in the same room with me for 20 minutes, and NEVER even smiled/acknowledge that I breath. I get the feeling she''s trying to make me feel insignificant or something.

So brief, I don''t like her. But I don''t see her that much or anything, but when I do it''s an annoyance.

I would love if he came to the wedding, but I ABSOLUTELY do NOT want anyone there that doesn''t wish me well. So can I just invite him? I KNOW it''s not proper form. I KNOW it''s rude, but I bristle at paying for a meal for someone who I dislike. I''m toying with the idea of sending an invitation with his name and then only 1 menu selection for one person....Also, the guest list is VERY restricted. We''re planning on only having the people we must invite (parents have more guests then us, but it''s all family). I am inviting 5 friends and their dates. That''s 10 guests for me.

So can I not invite her? My guy says you can''t do that. I think he''s afraid of what he was to say when E is bound to call and say "oh is M invited?"

Thanks!

 

[ang3199]

Wow alley: This is a tricky one. And I think we''ve all been in the same boat in some way or another. He''s been with her for 5 years? I think you should invite her, but I TOTALLY understand how you hate her. You could invite her and make her see how happy and gorgeous you look on your wedding day. And if she doesnt have any friends there except her BF she will be the one sitting in the corner.

The other side of the fence: It''s YOUR wedding girl. Screw her. Do you even need to invite her guy? Say your guest list is getting out of hand.

Sorry I''m not much help. I totally know how you feel but my tiff is with FI''s mother and her entire side of the family. I strongly dislike them; **hate** is such a strong word but I that''s how I really feel. Hehe.

Good luck with this one girl.

 

[Pandora II]

Tricky one...

Part of me feels that since she doesn't acknowledge you - you don't need to acknowledge her.

To be honest, I think you need to see her as someone with problems and feel a bit sorry for her. I think you have to invite her if you invite him I'm afraid.

I have a similar situation with a girl I know here - she and FI were running against each other to be the candidate for a political seat here and she used our engagement party last year to canvass for votes!

She and I are both local politicians for the same party in the same area - altogether there are 26 of us, 2 years ago she invited everyone except me and FI to her wedding (I didn't particularly want to go, but FI was very hurt as they had been working together very closely for 9 months, whereas she barely knew some of the others - so it was definitely a snub). She feels intensely threatened by me - I have no idea why as my ambitions are in very different areas than hers.

Anyway, FI wants to invite her to our London wedding party - I have said "over my dead body".

FI has told me that I need to be the bigger person and recognise her insecurities as her problem.

You might find that this girl feels very threatened by you.

 

[allycat0303]

ang: Darn it. I can''t really say the guest list is out of hand. Because my guy is going to match my ten guests in terms of friends. And although he''s got a zillion friends, he doesn''t have that many that he considers "close friends" at this moment he was only 2 picked out (so technically he has 3 left) and there''s really no way around it, the other 2 he invited are nowhere NEARLY as close as E. My guy suggested we try to hide the fact that we are getting married from E which is obviously ludicrous. E knows we are engaged!

Pandora: The whole bigger person thing is so mature

I just don''t feel like being mature. It''s kind of like knowing what the right thing to do is and not being able to force yourself to do it. Blah.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 3/6/2008 8:14:17 AM
Author: allycat0303

Pandora: The whole bigger person thing is so mature

I just don''t feel like being mature. It''s kind of like knowing what the right thing to do is and not being able to force yourself to do it. Blah.

Lol, I am still throwing bratty tantrums over it - the debate has been going on for 6 months now. I don''t DO bigger person!

I will probably cave in in the end, but that''s more because we are inviting about 200 people - and being August with any luck she''ll be away on holiday!

 

[diamondfan]

This is very tough. My hubby had an ex who, once we got engaged and were living together, would only call him at work. She lived in NY at the time and we were in L.A. so she claimed it was because of the time difference. I said, she can call our house, leave a message, and you can return the call the next day. Unless it was urgent, that should have been fine. She acted like I did not exist, inviting us to a bbq and then not speaking to me and avoiding eye contact. When we got engaged, after this bbq, I flat out told my fiance that I was not about to invite someone to my wedding that did not have good intentions towards me. Period, end of conversation. After the wedding, I felt if he wanted to maintain anything, I expected, even if she and I never became friends, that she acknowledge me and be respectful.
Well, once she heard she was not invited, their friendship ended. I felt that sort of proved she was up to something.

In your case, she is the long time girlfriend of his buddy. I totally see that there is the RIGHT and obligatory thing to do, and that it is the path least likely to cause friction in the long run, BUT, I totally get not wanting someone there that you do not like or trust. She has behaved very inappropriately with him (does her man know this?) and been flat out ruder to you. I am not a hypocrite so it would be tough for me to have her there that day feeling all that I feel. That is a day that is supposed to be filled with happiness and people who wish you well.

So, your issue is, do you tell your guy that in light of what has transpired you really just are not comfortable having her there, and that she will get why she is not invited, or do you suck it up, invite her, ignore her, and then in the future, let hubby see his pal, or the two of you can see him, and not include her.

 

[anchor31]

Like the others said, it''s really tricky. I tend to agree with your guy... Not inviting dates is one thing, but significant others, especially if they live together? That''s a little more difficult to do. Obviously your guy cares about the friendship he has with E, and E would probably be pretty offended if his SO wasn''t invited to come with him... So even though M doesn''t sound like a nice person or like she''s happy with the relationship she has with E, I''d probably do the bigger person thing. I don''t like doing it much either, but sometimes it''s necessary!

 

[appletini]

Go ahead an invite her or you could address it "E and guest" just in case they break up. Anyway if E is one of your FIs best friends, then M is going to continue to be in your life whether you like it or not. Maybe you could send her an email and say somthing like "I''d like for us to get to know each other better, lets go out for coffee" or something. As much as you dislike her, you really do have to take the high road on this one. Kill her with kindness.

 

[Po10472]

From what you have said she sounds very insecure and her behaviour towards you is unacceptable however your guy obviously wants his friend there to celebrate his wedding and I think you have to recognise that E and M are together.

I know it is galling to think you are paying for someone you don''t like but s**t happens and we sometimes have to suck it up. You will be the belle of the ball and you will be surrounded by family and friends who love you and you will have other priorities that day which won''t be her. Wedding plans are stressful enough, especially guest lists but compromise is something that we don''t enjoy but need to do.

Invite E and M. You''ll make him E and your guy happy and that should be enough for you to cancel out M''s behaviour. If she continues to behave like a 5-year old, then tough, she''s probably jealous that you''re engaged and getting married and will be even more so once you''re wed, her bad!!

 

[robbie3982]

Hmmm tough one. I know everyone''s saying to take the high road and be the bigger person, but I''d really not want to have her there either. What if you invite her, but then "accidentally" mess up your seating arrangement and stick her (without E) at the "loser table," you know, the one where you stick the left over people (like with the DJ, photographer and other vendors).

. I know it''s not very mature, but I''m not feeling very mature at the moment. LOL.

 

[janinegirly]

I think you can''t not invite her, it just comes off very badly and would be looked at that way. Most likely it would backfire and he wouldn''t attend AND be insulted.

You have to do all or none, either invite both or neither. Or invite no guests with SO''s who aren''t married etc. so at least there is consistency to hide behind.

When''s your wedding, is it still in Italy? Good luck!!

 

[Erin]

Date: 3/6/2008 8:52:30 AM
Author: appletini
Go ahead an invite her or you could address it ''E and guest''

Screw the coffee invite. This is precisely what I''d do.
You''re still taking the high road by inviting her. But it is also a blatant flip off to you not considering her an invited friend.
But yes, you cannot NOT invite her.

I''m chanting...
Guest! Guest! Guest! Guest!

 

[Miscka]

Do you think she would come? I know a girl who actively flirts with my BF (she is engaged) and has had a crush on him since before she and her FI were together. I cannot stand her. Her wedding is this summer and I told BF to go alone (even though I was invited) because the thought of going to a day that is all about her and her marriage makes me feel

Mostly because I feel yucky about how she acts with my BF right in front of her FI, but still. Its probably not that mature of me, but oh well. That is a tough situation you are in for sure. I would be tempted to not invite her, but even if you do she may not come. Good luck!

ETA: I agree with Starset....leave her name off it!

 

[sumbride]

You have to invite her. She may not choose to come however, which would be the best scenario.

 

[Courtneylub]

I HATE these types of situations and I HATE people like that!!! There, I said it.

I was just telling a girlfriend of mine that I''m sick of being the bigger person. *Sigh* But it is true, it''s the best thing to do.

I completely agree with Ang. Invite her and enjoy your wedding and sway right past her in your gorgeous dress!!!

 

[lauralu]

Does her BF know what his gf was doing a year ago? Trying to get your guy to come to their house. Texting your guy, buying your guy gifts ect? Did anyone ever tell him?

I would send the invite to him addressed "and guest" at the very minimum.
They are not married and in my experience "and guest" usually applies when it is not a mr and mrs. So I think that is perfectly within the etiquette issue.

You do not need IMHO to have lunch or coffee with someone you rarely see and are annoyed by when you do.

although I would say that it is highly likely that if she knows no-one at the wedding she will most likely not make any waves. There will be no-one to feed off of and she will be out of her comfort zone.

You will be surrounded by your family and friends and everyone that loves you. You will not have time to give this crazy women a 2nd thought...It is your day

 

[largirl]

Did you and your guy start dating before or after E and M started dating? What it sounds like to me is that you''re prettier, smarter, more whatever than her and she''s threatened by you. Maybe you''ve known E longer than her, or maybe E off-handedly mentioned something to her about how he thought you were hot, or maybe she asked the dreaded "which of your friends girlfriends would you sleep with if we weren''t dating?" question and he answered you. Whatever it is, I''m sure it''s perfectly innocent on your part, but her jealousy and insecurity caused her to try to hurt you and make you feel bad. The worst thing you can do to her now is to pretend like you don''t notice - continue to be nice to her and to E. It will KILL her that she''s trying to tear you down in front of your guy and E (to try to make you feel how she feels) and you''re still there having fun and being your own awesome self.

I *love* the idea of using "and guest." That freaking totally cracks me up.

 

[EricaR]

I am totally going to steal the "and Guest" thing when I invite my sister and her useless boyfriend to my wedding! HA! I''ve been sitting here giggling about it for ten minutes.

 

[Courtneylub]

Date: 3/6/2008 11:03:34 AM
Author: largirl
Did you and your guy start dating before or after E and M started dating? What it sounds like to me is that you''re prettier, smarter, more whatever than her and she''s threatened by you. Maybe you''ve known E longer than her, or maybe E off-handedly mentioned something to her about how he thought you were hot, or maybe she asked the dreaded ''which of your friends girlfriends would you sleep with if we weren''t dating?'' question and he answered you. Whatever it is, I''m sure it''s perfectly innocent on your part, but her jealousy and insecurity caused her to try to hurt you and make you feel bad. The worst thing you can do to her now is to pretend like you don''t notice - continue to be nice to her and to E. It will KILL her that she''s trying to tear you down in front of your guy and E (to try to make you feel how she feels) and you''re still there having fun and being your own awesome self.

I *love* the idea of using ''and guest.'' That freaking totally cracks me up.

I love it!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 3/6/2008 9:10:40 AM
Author: Starset Princess

Date: 3/6/2008 8:52:30 AM
Author: appletini
Go ahead an invite her or you could address it ''E and guest''

Screw the coffee invite. This is precisely what I''d do.
You''re still taking the high road by inviting her. But it is also a blatant flip off to you not considering her an invited friend.
But yes, you cannot NOT invite her.

I''m chanting...
Guest! Guest! Guest! Guest!

Me too. ((HUGS)). I wouldn''t want to invite her either. But I would. She''s only one person, trapped by her own warped self, and you aren''t doing it for her. Your doing it for your FI and for his close friend, who HAS been good to you both.

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/6/2008 11:31:36 AM
Author: Gypsy

Date: 3/6/2008 9:10:40 AM

Author: Starset Princess

Date: 3/6/2008 8:52:30 AM

Author: appletini

Go ahead an invite her or you could address it ''E and guest''

Screw the coffee invite. This is precisely what I''d do.

You''re still taking the high road by inviting her. But it is also a blatant flip off to you not considering her an invited friend.

But yes, you cannot NOT invite her.


I''m chanting...

Guest! Guest! Guest! Guest!

Me too. ((HUGS)). I wouldn''t want to invite her either. But I would. She''s only one person, trapped by her own warped self, and you aren''t doing it for her. Your doing it for your FI and for his close friend, who HAS been good to you both.

I agree! I think that there''s no way that you cannot invite her however that plus guest invite would be fab!

 

[meresal]

My opinion... are you going to be upset in the future when they ONLY send an invitation to your FI for occassions like weddings, baby showers, dinners, adn house parties? Honestly, she may not be that fond of you either, but still invited you to their house party bc she knew it was the right thing to do.

It sounds like she really annoys you, but I think that since the guy is your FI''s friend, it should be his decision on whether to invite her. Not inviting her could put a severe strain on their friendship.

 

[allycat0303]

You're right of course you're right. She'll 100% show up. I'm thinking in white just to annoy me.

My guy never told E, because it's not a comfortable thing to say 'E I think your girlfriend is hitting on me' I mean he agrees that we shouldn't invite her, but he says it's not the polite thing to do (which of course, I know, but I WANT be a rude b&%##!

She's actually really attractive, about 5'7 blonde with a body like a model. Seriously, she weighs about 105 pounds.

I know what you gals are thinking 'Uhmm....Ally maybe you should be worried'

But my guy has a certain type, first he finds asian girls really attractive, and he likes smaller girls. Now if she were a petite asian girl, I'd probably be vomiting blood.

Although I'm really glad, that a lot of you gals seem to be stuck in the 'do we have to invite them mode too'

So this 'and guest thing is really insulting?' I was planning on putting oll SO's names on the invite (with 5 friends it's kind of hard to not know) but if you feel like it's an adequate slight, maybe it will soothe my vindictive nature. I only wonder, because I think I was invited as guest once, but the couple really like me (they come over to dinner all the time) and I didn't feel insulted.

largirl: I've been with my guy for 13 years, so LOOONG time. I think she just dislikes me because she has this whole "why is this really goodlooking Canadian guy being wasted on an asian girl thing" I think it offends her sensibilities. And I think she just finds my guy goodlooking. E's not very nice to her, and he's kind of short, bald and round. Actually my guy finds he treats his girlfriend so bad, that he doesn't know why SHE stays with him. I'm a little at loss at the relationship in general.

Miscka:

your situation sounds pretty bad too, that is pretty yucky. Are you going to invite her to your wedding?

Courtneylub: I hear you. Why must we be mature and polite???Grrr..

lauralu: I don't think I could bring myself to socialize with her. It's ok though, he has his guy friends and I am never required to be present. We have close couple friend too, and that's enough for us.

meresel: Not in the slightest. In the 5 years they've been together, I've only been invited once that time, and I REALLY don't care. Actually I wouldn't come if she invited me, once was enough.

gypsy: Yes you're right. Of course. Darn it. I'm sure my guy knew if I talked it over with the PS ladies, I would do the right thing. He's pretty devious that one.

 

[lauralu]

Date: 3/6/2008 11:47:47 AM
Author: meresal
Honestly, she may not be that fond of you either, but still invited you to their house party bc she knew it was the right thing to do.


hmmmmmm I have to say....I would venture to guess that "M" did not invite her to her house party because it was "the right thing to do" Rather because she knew on her turf so to speak she could do her best to make her feel out of place and dissed.

 

[Miscka]

Miscka:

your situation sounds pretty bad too, that is pretty yucky. Are you going to invite her to your wedding?

Yikes I never thought about it like that!! Not if I can help it

Who knows where she will be in 10 years, haha (I am still a LIW).

LOL at the wearing white comment...you''ll have to let us know how it turns out!

 

[meresal]

I guess the point of my comment was just that I think whatever you FI wants to do would be best. If he feels uncomfortable with her there also and is ok with telling his friend that (or not telling), then you shouldn''t invite her. It''s ya''lls day, and whatever makes you both happy is what reigns most. My sister did the "and Guest" thing, and the girlfriend still showed up, even more irritated. It sounds like it would be best if maybe she suddenly had to get away that weekend, alone. Good luck.

 

[Gypsy]

Yes, the 'and guest' thing is an insult.

Been on the receiving end of it. I'm been 'and guested' to weddings John's been invited and my family has 'and guested' him too. Of course the WORST insult is the single invitation to an engaged couple. We got two of those as well. Both from MY family. I did not attend.

 

[surfgirl]

I can see why you're conflicted allie! Here's what I'd do...I think either you and your FI should together talk to E, or your guy should talk to him alone, and just be honest. "Allie's uncomfortable inviting M to our wedding and I wanted to talk to you about it..." and then your guy absolutely should tell E that M was texting him, giving him gifts and inviting him over when E was away. That is totally shady and if E and your guy are so close, then E should know what this trollup is up to. That way, HE can make the call as to whether or not he even wants to bring her to your wedding. It's not clear from the thread if he even knows what his GF's been up to. I'd want my friends to tell me if my GF was acting shady. I'd also mention that she never even acknowledges you and that's not right. I find it odd that E doesn't see this himself when you're all together socially.

ETA: I agree that the only people who should be at your wedding are those who LOVE you and RESPECT you and are THRILLED for you! All others need not apply...

 

[Gypsy]

Surfgirl... I''ve done that. And lost a friend over it. While in theory I think it is good to be honest with your friends about the behaviour of their SO''s. It''s a subjective thing, and she can just justify it and say that she was being friendly... and ruin the relationship between the guys. If Alley''s guy hasn''t said anything, then that''s his call. I don''t think you can dicate something that could so drastically affect his freindship because of a wedding invitation and a little discomfort that someone you dislike is in the crowd. Separate issues entirely, IMO. How her guy choses to interact with his friend, and what information he gives his friend is up to him, and I think Alley needs to respect that as long as it''s not impacting her relationship with her guy. And it doesn''t sound like it is. Sometimes you have to suck it up and just invite people you don''t love and adore... for the sake of those you do love and adore.

 

[goldenstar]

My first instinct was to invite her. If she was trying to hit on your guy, her witnessing the wedding would solidify the fact that your guy is NOT AVAILIBLE (duh!). Since she''s too dense to get it on her own she needs to be smacked in the face with it.