Can finally exhale....

[Bron357]

I have a DD who is a super high achiever but who also suffers from crippling anxiety. She has just finished her final school exams, the ones that determine what uni you can attend and what course you can undertake. It’s all on academic results. Through her 6 years of high school she was a consistent top 10 performer in all subjects (ranked 1 or 2 in some) but as we approached year 12 she tanked. Seriously tanked. Despite the best support and counselling for her own mental well being she had to pull back. accordingly she did no, and I mean no, study or revision. It was a daily battle to even get her to go to school. We were getting letters home “DD has not submitted xyz assignment” and then we got a phone call “DD has been caught off school grounds in a car driven by an unlicensed driver”. I am horrified, what is happening to my angel child? Things were getting really bad. It seemed that just getting her to attend her final exams would be a massive achievement. She attended her exams. Some didn’t, one lass was hospitalised after self harming, another walked out of the exam room without putting pen to paper, another young woman started crying, sobbing uncontrollably and had to be taken from the exam room and another young man went missing. His parents frantic. He drove 2,000 kms to another State before phoning to say he was ok, just. What terrible terrible pressure to put on young adults. They feel their whole lives depend upon these results and many just can’t handle it.
We waited for the results. DD had wanted to do Medical Research but this degree requires a high mark. She was certainly capable of achieving that result but given her total lack of study, revision, even attending school, we had to hope for sufficient marks to get any university offer. The plan being to undertake whatever degree she qualified for and then do the degree of her choice afterwards.
Ping Goes her phone, an SMS.
Thank God an offer, my prayers have been answered. I am soooo relieved. I cry.
DD - um, I got an offer for Medical Research at Sydney uni.
now I’m sobbing uncontrollably and dancing around the room.
phew.

 

[TooPatient]

Congratulations to her and you! What a stressful time. So glad she got an offer in her chosen area!

 

[rainydaze]

Oh Bron, that's wonderful news!!

 

[Austina]

Congratulations to your DD @Bron357 what a relief for you all.

 

[JPie]

Congratulations! What an achievement.

 

[Slickk]

Congratulations! I’m sure it is a huge relief for you all! Yay!

 

[sarahb]

Oh my, time to do the BIG happy dance, congrats to you both!!

 

[kindred]

Congratulations to you and your daughter! You must both be so happy right now.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Congratulations to your daughter! I can relate to you...my eldest has all his college applications in, and we are holding our breath for an acceptance somewhere. Hopefully in-state! He applied to only top schools in Chemistry, so it'll be tough.

 

[KristinTech]

Congrats to her! I hope there is time to decompress now for your whole family!

 

[distracts]

Congratulations to her!

As someone else who was a high-achieving student with terrible anxiety - I hope she is in therapy and seriously considering medication if her doctor recommends it. University will only pile on the stress more, and it will be an entirely different experience with a lot more personal accountability rather than teachers hounding you to do things.

 

[nala]

I have a DD who is a super high achiever but who also suffers from crippling anxiety. She has just finished her final school exams, the ones that determine what uni you can attend and what course you can undertake. It’s all on academic results. Through her 6 years of high school she was a consistent top 10 performer in all subjects (ranked 1 or 2 in some) but as we approached year 12 she tanked. Seriously tanked. Despite the best support and counselling for her own mental well being she had to pull back. accordingly she did no, and I mean no, study or revision. It was a daily battle to even get her to go to school. We were getting letters home “DD has not submitted xyz assignment” and then we got a phone call “DD has been caught off school grounds in a car driven by an unlicensed driver”. I am horrified, what is happening to my angel child? Things were getting really bad. It seemed that just getting her to attend her final exams would be a massive achievement. She attended her exams. Some didn’t, one lass was hospitalised after self harming, another walked out of the exam room without putting pen to paper, another young woman started crying, sobbing uncontrollably and had to be taken from the exam room and another young man went missing. His parents frantic. He drove 2,000 kms to another State before phoning to say he was ok, just. What terrible terrible pressure to put on young adults. They feel their whole lives depend upon these results and many just can’t handle it.
We waited for the results. DD had wanted to do Medical Research but this degree requires a high mark. She was certainly capable of achieving that result but given her total lack of study, revision, even attending school, we had to hope for sufficient marks to get any university offer. The plan being to undertake whatever degree she qualified for and then do the degree of her choice afterwards.
Ping Goes her phone, an SMS.
Thank God an offer, my prayers have been answered. I am soooo relieved. I cry.
DD - um, I got an offer for Medical Research at Sydney uni.
now I’m sobbing uncontrollably and dancing around the room.
phew.

Congrats!!! Just in time for the holidays!
Pardon my ignorance but I don’t understand how your college admissions work and would love to hear about it. Am I to understand that the student does not get to choose a major unless test scores indicate an aptitude for it? They have no choice? Are the exams administered by the school or state or nation? How about high school transcripts?
I’m so curious!

 

[Sparkles88]

Congratulations to your DD Bron, now you can take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the holidays, the weight lifted off your shoulders must feel amazing.
Best of luck with her studies!

 

[missy]

Wonderful news and what a huge relief and weight off all your shoulders. Congrats to your DD and to you for supporting and encouraging her and helping make her dreams come true. An amazing mother and an amazing daughter. Happy holidays!

 

[OoohShiny]

Excellent news!

I hope she finds a way to balance her desire to do well with her need for good mental health - it is a difficult juggling act and hopefully she will settle in to uni and not be so stressed

 

[lyra]

Congrats to your daughter. It sounds like a ridiculously high anxiety situation for all the kids. Why is that? Is it basically a pass/fail thing? Like you get into college, or you don't. Are there other options? Very different to Canada.

 

[arkieb1]

I'm sorry Bron, my hairdresser's daughter is very similar, I think the school your daughter went too (which I know fairly well) mainly filled with very bright kids probably didn't help her stress levels and she became afraid of failure, hopefully when she goes to Uni which is less formal she will learn to be less stressed.

You might have to help her get support to manage assignment deadlines etc....

 

[MamaBee]

I’m so happy for you and your daughter @Bron357! Having children are not for the meek! This will be a huge burden off your heart and mind. Yay!

 

[whitewave]

What a wonderful turn around!

 

[luv2sparkle]

Congratulations to you and your daughter, Bron! That is wonderful news! So happy for you both!
It is so much pressure on our kids. I have had the same issue with a couple of my kids. I understand your sigh of relief completely. Hopefully now she can take a breather too. I don't know where this extreme pressure has come from exactly. I hope she can feel the accomplishment and get great satisfaction from it.

 

[Ally T]

This is awesome news! And what a huge relief for you all, so now you can fully switch off and enjoy Christmas together.

I feel this might be a vision of my future, so it slightly concerns me. Both of my daughters are extremely clever & consistently achieve far higher than they are expected too for their ages (Year 4 & Year 6 currently) and both got 100% in their SATS assessment in Y2, which is the Government test that they do several times throughout schooling. But my eldest is currently having a Tutor each week in preparation for her Y6 SATS assessment in May, which will determine which sets she is placed into at High School next Sept. Her tutor is constantly mind-blown by how clever she is & academically, she has never worked with such a bright child, but her confidence in her abilities is low. Really low. So the brief we gave to the tutor was to work on her confidence & anxieties whilst pushing her WAY out of her comfort zone academically, so that when SATS time rolls round she is working so far ahead that everything will come easily, naturally & confidently. Fingers crossed this works for her - both daughter & tutor are really enjoying their sessions!

My youngest couldn't give a toss, is naturally gifted, gregarious & confident with it

 

[maita13]

Congrats to you and your daughter!! Perfect timing for this wonderful news

 

[Bron357]

Congrats!!! Just in time for the holidays!
Pardon my ignorance but I don’t understand how your college admissions work and would love to hear about it. Am I to understand that the student does not get to choose a major unless test scores indicate an aptitude for it? They have no choice? Are the exams administered by the school or state or nation? How about high school transcripts?
I’m so curious!

here in Australia most university is free up front. Most Universities are government run so while you do accrue a debt you only pay it off, bit by bit, once you graduate and earn more than $50,000 odd a year.
so entry is on academic merit. The more popular a course the higher the mark needed. Obviously some courses have prerequisite prior studies like advanced level maths or science subjects. These subjects are harder to get higher marks in so that helps sort out the ranking. So everyone who sits the Higher School Certification gets an ATAR or ranking. This ATAR calculated by a combination of exam marks, moderated by course difficulty, and school assessment. An 80 is chemistry is worth more moderated than an 80 in geography.
Average ATAR is around 70, DD ended up with 92.
so to qualify for the Medical Research degree you have to have an ATAR of over 90 plus you have to have done Advanced English and Advanced Maths plus Preferably Chemistry and Biology or Physics.
so its a delicate balance of courses you need against courses you enjoy and might do better in.

 

[Bron357]

This is awesome news! And what a huge relief for you all, so now you can fully switch off and enjoy Christmas together.

I feel this might be a vision of my future, so it slightly concerns me. Both of my daughters are extremely clever & consistently achieve far higher than they are expected too for their ages (Year 4 & Year 6 currently) and both got 100% in their SATS assessment in Y2, which is the Government test that they do several times throughout schooling. But my eldest is currently having a Tutor each week in preparation for her Y6 SATS assessment in May, which will determine which sets she is placed into at High School next Sept. Her tutor is constantly mind-blown by how clever she is & academically, she has never worked with such a bright child, but her confidence in her abilities is low. Really low. So the brief we gave to the tutor was to work on her confidence & anxieties whilst pushing her WAY out of her comfort zone academically, so that when SATS time rolls round she is working so far ahead that everything will come easily, naturally & confidently. Fingers crossed this works for her - both daughter & tutor are really enjoying their sessions!

My youngest couldn't give a toss, is naturally gifted, gregarious & confident with it

My DD adamantly refused any sort of coaching. We had enrolled DD into an expensive private girls school but again she refused to consider attending. Despite many visits showing off the superb facilities she was like “nope, they are all stuck up princesses”. She’s a tomboy type. Here we have academically selective high schools so she sat the examinations on the understanding that if she got in she wouldn’t have to go to the private school. She got into the Selective school.
DD has low self confidence and despite 6 years of counselling we cant really understand why. She doesn’t like to attract attention to herself. She excels in team sports, teamwork, but as an individual she won’t connect or make an effort.
She is athletic, she wouldn’t try her best in the sprint races but went into them to get onto the relay team. In the zone relay race, they were coming second last at the final baton change. They ended up winning. Her best individual 100m time was around 13 seconds, yet her “split” for that final leg was 11.6 sec! She plays soccer, the lass who was a state level sprinter on the other team, couldnt run her down on the soccer field. Afterwards she even said to DD “how come you don’t compete in sprint races, you’re really fast”. DD just shrugs.
and musically. No way on earth will she audition for any of the solo parts, no way will she sit the AMEB exams, she just wants to play bass clarinet (or bassoon) in the orchestra.
big concert at the Sydney Opera House, the soloist for the Bass Clarinet part is involved in a car accident (just a bingle luckily) on the way. She won’t make the concert. Huge kerfuffle as Conductor works out what to do, DD friend, not DD, says DD can play it. But I don’t have another marked score says conductor.
No matter says DD Ive heard it, I can play it. She does, beautifully. At end of the piece as is customary, the soloists stand for a round of applause, DD refuses to stand. Geez.
so having a gifted child is really really hard, I just do my best and hope she can muddle her way through on her terms. That’s all that really matters.

 

[Ally T]

My DD adamantly refused any sort of coaching. We had enrolled DD into an expensive private girls school but again she refused to consider attending. Despite many visits showing off the superb facilities she was like “nope, they are all stuck up princesses”. She’s a tomboy type. Here we have academically selective high schools so she sat the examinations on the understanding that if she got in she wouldn’t have to go to the private school. She got into the Selective school.
DD has low self confidence and despite 6 years of counselling we cant really understand why. She doesn’t like to attract attention to herself. She excels in team sports, teamwork, but as an individual she won’t connect or make an effort.
She is athletic, she wouldn’t try her best in the sprint races but went into them to get onto the relay team. In the zone relay race, they were coming second last at the final baton change. They ended up winning. Her best individual 100m time was around 13 seconds, yet her “split” for that final leg was 11.6 sec! She plays soccer, the lass who was a state level sprinter on the other team, couldnt run her down on the soccer field. Afterwards she even said to DD “how come you don’t compete in sprint races, you’re really fast”. DD just shrugs.
and musically. No way on earth will she audition for any of the solo parts, no way will she sit the AMEB exams, she just wants to play bass clarinet (or bassoon) in the orchestra.
big concert at the Sydney Opera House, the soloist for the Bass Clarinet part is involved in a car accident (just a bingle luckily) on the way. She won’t make the concert. Huge kerfuffle as Conductor works out what to do, DD friend, not DD, says DD can play it. But I don’t have another marked score says conductor.
No matter says DD Ive heard it, I can play it. She does, beautifully. At end of the piece as is customary, the soloists stand for a round of applause, DD refuses to stand. Geez.
so having a gifted child is really really hard, I just do my best and hope she can muddle her way through on her terms. That’s all that really matters.

Really, seriously, this is my number 1 daughter all over. She is always picked for the sports events, is the schools cross country champion at the inter-schools challenges, is loved by every single class member, but WILL NOT put her hand up in class for fear she might have the wrong answer & then what? Would her classmates laugh?? Of course they wouldn't! But she doesn't see it like that. She has done ballet since the age of 2 & her teacher is always telling me how amazing she is. She refuses to show us what she's learning or to enter exams, because she does ballet "for fun & not be be judged or told her hand is at the wrong angle" and last week, totally by surprise, the ballet teacher asked the parents at drop off if we'd like to stay & watch. She had out chairs & so her little sister & I stayed to watch. She was horrified, but she was still breathtaking.

I know some people are just never going to be confident, whereas some people are really super confident, but I hate the thought of her worries of what may or may not happen, might hold her back before she has even tried anything.

But I digress, and oh my goodness, how amazing for your daughter at the Opera House?! I went there once & the sound is phenomenal, so what an achievement for her at such a young age, bow or no bow at the end of the solo!

 

[KristyDarling]

I held my breath all the way through your post until the end when I, too, was thrilled to be able to exhale! How wonderful for your daughter! She sounds like a really unique, interesting, and special person who is happiest when she lives life on her own terms. So happy for her and for you!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Yay congrats!

It feels like just yesterday I was the overachieving student waiting to hear back from schools and my parents were super nervous because we are an immigrant family so they had no idea how any of it worked or how to help me or what to expect. My parents actively gave me bad advice because they thought university in the US was similar to China where everything is merit based, and tried to get me to give up on extracurriculars to study more and only apply to ivy leagues schools.

Luckily for me I was never a good listener so

I will also say that I found university and then graduate school so much easier with every step because I could devote my time to learning the things I loved and passionate about and not a general curriculum. Hopefully she'll have a similar experience! Doesn't feel like work when you enjoy it

 

[Dandi]

Aahhhh I'm so happy for you Bron! Many of my medical colleagues have kids who were anxiously awaiting their results last week, most needing high scores in the hope of studying medicine. It must be such a stressful wait!! Congratulations to you all! She made it! YOU made it! Party time!

 

[Bron357]

Thanks everyone. Like any parent we just want our children to reach their potential, whatever it is. we just want them to be happy in life, find their passion and their place and go for it.
its been hard, because she is gifted she didnt like to show her friends up. She often would let another “beat her” because she knew her friend needed to win more. She’s not fussed. In class she will mutter the answer and the kid next to her will put up theirs hand and get congratulations from the teacher.
She would be sad saying kids only want to sit next to her because they can copy her answers or hear her say it. They want to be in her group, her partner because they want an A and that’s what DD will ensure the group gets. She thinks her friends only like her for that. So she decided to see who would still like her when she purposely gave wrong answers - when she didn’t fix up the mistakes so everyone got C. That did not go down well apparently!
so yeah, it’s not all roses and sunshine when you’re clever, the expectations and demands (real or imagined) can be overwhelming.

 

[chroman]

She doesn’t like to attract attention to herself. She excels in team sports, teamwork

Congratulations!

A lot of what you are describing sounds familiar - some parts sound like my personality.

Especially the not wanting attention, mutting answers under you breath in class, and the pulling back after a period of engagement.

For me, accolades trigger a strong sense of embarassment. I’m the worst at talking about myself and totally underplay everything, for fear of either coming off as braagging, or get called out for praise. I’d be rubbish at marketing!

But at the same time, I very stongly want to achieve at the things im interested in. So those two parts are constantly in tension.

Not sure if any of that overlaps with what your DD is going through.