Burned out / LIWitis. Will this go away when it actually happens?

[absolut_blonde]

So, I know it's in the works. Between him talking to my parents, things he's said in passing and a few things I've inadvertently stumbled upon (ring stuff while I was printing files from his computer, I was not intending to snoop!). It should be happening RELATIVELY soon. Hopefully within the next month or so, as I may lose my mind if not.


But I feel like I've been ready and waiting for so long that.... it just isn't that exciting anymore.

Is that bad of me?

I love SO to pieces and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him. But the giddiness is kind of gone at this point. We haven't been together that long- just over two years- but personally, I've been ready for a year.

Will this all go out the window when it actually happens? I tend to think so. But he mentioned Nov 2010 as a potential date and I was just like, ugh, that seems so far away. Considering how long I've been waiting for the proposal, I don't particularly feel like waiting another year+ just to get married. I would've been ok with a longer engagement had it happened back when I was first ready but at this point, I just feel kind of spent. Am I nuts?

 

[Miscka]

Hi Absolut...thought you might want to read this old thread your question reminded me of:

old thread

 

[misskitty]

Thanks for that link, Miscka! I think that thread happened a few months before I joined, and it was a good read because I''m starting to have some of those feelings now.

 

[PrincessDijon]

Unfortunately, when you''re in the midst of LIW-itis...it''s hard to snap out of it. Like so many others on this forum that have come before me, I''ll give some advice (wisdom born of making mistakes!!!).

Snooping is bad. I was a serial snooper forever. It only eats at you and it ends up consuming every bit of your mind!

Focus on yourself (oh man if I had a dollar for everytime I was told this....). Sometimes, I let this one slip but recently I have been really good about it. Exercise, focus on your passions that you have always wanted to work on(wheither it be a new hobby or reading a new book.

Oh and try not to bring it up with the FF. It''s hard I know. I used to nag my ex FI about it and I feel so stupid for what I did looking back in retrospect!

So, no, you''re not nuts...I''ve been there before and now that I look back, I realized that I was obsessing about it! When it is ready in our lives, it will arrive!

Be positive and stay busy

 

[trillionaire]

Being a LIW is a tough time. I pride myself on being level headed, but it definitely got to me. Some days, I was fine. Other days, I was angry and resentful, and I was very irritated with myself and my behaviour

. I can''t help but think that you WILL be excited when you are engaged. You will also probably feel a bit silly about your prior behavior... I can''t believe how thrilled both FI and I have been during our engagement period, especially in sharp contrast to some of my LIW crabbiness.

So don''t fret, it will get better!

 

[pluck15]

absolut.........I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I totally feel the exact same way, and I always wondered if I was the only one. I''m so glad you posted this. I''ve been with SO for almost 2 years (Aug 30th) and I''ve been ready for at least a year as well. I also get scared that when he finally does it, my reaction is going to be more of the "jeez its about time, what took you so long" rather than the crying, OMG type of reaction. I hope I wrong though. But the thought does worry me a lot.

I haven''t really found out any hard info from him, cause he is really good at hiding stuff... but there have been hints in passing conversations. It''s so hard for me not to bring it up, and unfortunately it usually ends up in a not so happy conversation, mostly because I just feel so frustrated. I too know for sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I am sick of waiting.

So what I''m trying to say is.........NO you''re NOT nuts!!!

(But Phew....it does feel good to let it out!)

 

[crossmyfingers]

I''ve just started looking around on these boards today, and this post really hit home... Enough that I made an account here so I could reply and say thanks for making me feel like I''m not the only one who feels this way!

I''ve been with my BF for nearly two years (September) and we''ve talked about marriage for nearly a year now. He says he wants to but he''s not sure when. I''ve been thinking he would propose any moment since around last Christmas. And now it''s August and I''m going crazier every day that it doesn''t happen. This weekend was fantastic and I really thought he might ask, but he didn''t. I feel just like you guys, about wondering if you''ll even be excited/happy or if you''ll just think, "Geez, FINALLY!" if/when he asks. I try to keep my head up about it, but it''s hard.

That older thread was helpful too. This one and that one make me realize I''m not crazy for feeling like this.

 

[nkarma]

I feel the SAME!!! I thought I would never be one of those girls elbowing my BF to get married, but that became me in the last few months. I guess I only brought it up twice but I found myself getting mad at everything he did because I got to the point where if he hasn''t proposed, he doesn''t want to marry me so what''s the point. I have wanted to get married for over 2.5 years cause we have been dating for 7. We met when we were 19, so it''s expected that we would date for quite a while before getting married but it seems most of my other friends made that decision much sooner. Anyways it got to the point that I couldn''t stand it anymore and I didn''t want to talk about it, but I had to and he told me there is no question in his mind that he wants to marry me and had been ring shopping.

Anyways, I feel your pain!! I feel like it won''t be special now to be engaged. I feel like when it happens, I will be like DUH. It''s nice to vent and I don''t mean to downplay our great relationship, but it''s good to see others are in the same boat.

 

[PrincessLily2009]

I know I won''t be as excited as I would have been had he proposed according to my timetable. To be frank, his attitudes towards getting engaged have caused me to lose almost all interest in the matter. I can totally picture the two of us-him (finally) down on one knee, and me staring at him with a deadpan expression. When I think about the two of us getting engaged, I feel no emotion. I''ve gone numb.

I know it will never be the proposal/engagement I would have wanted.

Of course I love him. I have plenty of positive thoughts and feelings about him and our relationship. I just feel that getting engaged is so long overdue, and I know I have years of waiting still ahead of me.

I don''t really expect that I will be that excited. Obviously, I will be excited, but it will just be regular excited instead of extra-special excited, if you know what I mean?

The point I''m trying to make is that we share your feelings, and you shouldn''t feel bad about the way you feel.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Thanks, all. It helps to know I'm not alone... or crazy. Haha!

pluck15, crossmyfingers, PrincessLily2009 - You all pretty much summed up how I feel. I've just grown to really resent the entire process. I'm sure I will be happy to be engaged once it finally freaking happens. But a part of me feels that the way he has handled all of this has taken something away from the specialness of it all in a way that won't be fixed by his proposing. And it makes me a little sad.

***

Also: I don't know if I should start a separate thread for this, but lately I've noticed that this situation has really put a damper on my libido as well. Has anyone else experienced this?

It's not an intentional thing- I'm not witholding on him to punish him- I just have no desire lately. Feeling this way is definitely not the norm for me. It's probably because we've pretty much passed what I consider to be my internal deadline. Even though it's supposedly coming soon, I feel pretty freaking tense about the entire situation at this point. A tinge of resentment and perhaps feeling not-as-desired as I would like.

I don't even know how to talk to him about it because I don't really feel like having the same old engagement discussion (at least not yet, anyway).

 

[PrincessLily2009]

I''m definitely experiencing a change in my sex drive. I would never use sex to manipulate-I just don''t feel like doing it.

For me, sex requires emotional energy as well as physical, and after all the hullabaloo surrounding getting engaged, I don''t have that emotional energy. Like you said earlier, I''m just plain spent. And honestly, it''s getting harder and harder to feel close to him. I can feel myself pulling away (not on purpose), and that doesn''t stop when we enter the bedroom. I don''t feel that connection/bond that I did before.

I''m also kind of conservative, and I don''t sleep with people I don''t see myself marrying.

I hope I don''t get slammed for this, but I''ve just kind of been going through the motions, if you get what I mean, because I DON''T want to have that conversation. There''s nothing I haven''t already said, and he''s not going to move up his proposal. What''s the point?

 

[nkarma]

Princess Lily, I feel you. I couldn't go through this for years. I can barely do months. It's like if you know we are going to get married, then maybe you should freaking ask me already!!! Anyways, I feel your pain if it's years, but I don't see anything that would keep it that way. Distance? Money? School? People get engaged and married all the time in those situations. What's most important is the commitment and not anything else. Anyways, I just hate being in this situation and hate seeing others in it as well.

What made me feel a ton better and our sex life and relationship better over the last several months was that he did give me a finite timeline and indicated he was planning an engagement. I don't know if you girls can get that commitment from them as well or if your boys just aren't ready. I waited 2 years for my boy to get ready, but I wasn't too anxious. I just got that way in last several months. I hope the resentment and feeling that he should have wanted to marry me way before now goes away. I don't want it to affect our future relationship if I go back to those feelings and feel underappreciated.

 

[misskitty]

Yeah, so I hit LIW-itis rock bottom the other night. Our one friend, who has been a total womanizer his entire adult life -- the kind of guy we thought would never settle down, proposed to his girlfriend. He called to tell us the happy news, and I just couldn't stop the tears from coming. I know it's ridiculous and stupid, and their relationship has nothing to do with ours, but it felt like getting hit by a truck. I'm pretty sure I scared B away from proposing ever

.

 

[absolut_blonde]

PrincessLily2009 - I know what you mean about going through the motions. I think sex/intimacy is important for the health of the relationship (kind of a means of bonding) - the lack of it bothers me, but I don''t feel like doing it either. The entire situation is creating a strain on the relationship and it''s like a vicious cycle. I still try to initiate/go along with his advances, but I don''t really ''get into it'' like I used to.

nkarma - I thought having a timeline would help but I sort of do and I don''t feel much better! Heh. Maybe because it took too long to even get to that point. He''s asked my parents for their blessing (which is huge, one would think), he''s seemingly ring shopping... so WHERE IS IT?! I don''t feel like it''s ''right around the corner'' though I guess for all I know, it could be!

misskitty - if it makes you feel any better, I started crying the other night randomly because I was on Facebook looking at everyone else''s profiles and somehow got completely worked up over the fact that I would really like to have kids right now (much less be married-- or engaged!). I just f-r-e-a-k-e-d out and was all ''OMG it is never going to happen for me''. Nothing specific even triggered it! And I''m twenty freaking five, it isn''t as though there is a huge need to hurry. But yeah, the waiting game can really, really mess with your head.

 

[pluck15]

I''m totally with you guys on all of this! Crazy to think that there are this many girls out there feeling the same emotions I am! And here I thought I was such a weirdo. I also feel like I"m just going through the motions most of the time. I have to really try to get myself in the mood like I used to be, and that is becoming few and far between. SO has also given me a finite time line of.........next May! And that may not seem like a long time in the grand scheme of things...but right now, it feels like an eternity.

Absolut... I''m 25 also and can''t help but think about all my highschool class mates, or college friends that already happily married with a newborn, or one on the way. And I''m not saying I''m completely ready for kids right now, but I still kinda wish that it was an option at this point. I want to be a young mom! And I get worried that the longer he waits, the shorter time we''ll have to be married before we start trying.

AND...I feel like at this point, I know he wants to get me "the ring I deserve" and all that, which I completely love him for, but I''m almost getting frustrated enough to rather him propose with out the ring and just give it to me later! (I think I once told him that I''d take a ring pop at this point! haha) I know deep down thats really not what I want...but right now I just feel like, when is it going to be my turn????

Phew!

 

[misskitty]

So glad I''m not alone in this boat! I''m also 25.

We had a constructive talk today, total 180 from the meltdown this weekend. He said that my LIWitis (well, not in those words, of course

) did cause him to pull back a bit, and that he needed more time to be ready. He told me that he was originally planning on proposing this fall, but now it''ll probably be closer to next spring. Frustrating, but I get it -- I really haven''t been myself lately. It really doesn''t even make sense to me why I get so upset over something like this, but it helps to know that it''s not just me.

So, looks like I''m sticking around here for a bit longer than I anticipated. I''m trying to make the best of things, because really all I want is to be with him (just happens to come with all this waiting-related stress

)

 

[crossmyfingers]

I feel like four or five of us are all in the exact same boat here! I''m 24, and several of you are 25. Oh and I avoid Facebook lately because nearly everyone I know is married or at least engaged. And then my closer friends don''t understand my (and BF''s) readiness* to get married at all and are the few who are not married or engaged. It''s all so weird. Anyone I talk to is like, "What''s the rush? Why get married now? We''re so young!" and all I can think is, "But we love each other and want to get married soon, why can''t any of you understand that and be happy for us?!"

*Well, at times he says he''s ready and wants to in the next few months, then at times he says he''s not sure when he will be.

 

[nkarma]

I''m 26 so exact same boat.

How many couples have met and gotten married while you guys were still dating? My relationship is coming up on 7 years. I could probably name at least 10. It''s like those guys didn''t wait too long and their engagement was a suprise and actually exciting, so why can''t mine be? The rational side of me does see that some of those couples moved way too fast and our relationship has always been a little bit slower than everyone else''s cause we like independence. That makes me feel better.

 

[lucyandroger]

Well, I've avoided this thread because I didn't want to get emotional at work but I must say that a few of you ladies summed up my feelings EXACTLY. I'm 24 and the BF is 25. We made a joint decision to put buying a house before the engagement and are in the process of doing so. Still, I can't help but think that if he had proposed a couple years ago this wouldn't even be a problem. He has this idea that the ring is a reflection of his success and so must be big and expensive. I don't even like the way big diamonds look on my short fingers and frankly, I'd have rather just been engaged.

Anyway, like you ladies I wonder if it's going to be exciting at all. Both sets of parents already refer to us as fiancees and the grandmas have been asking about when the wedding is for at least a year and a half.

The BF wants a short engagement but I'd like time to properly plan my wedding. I get annoyed with him because I feel like just because it took him a long time to propose, I shouldn't have to just take whatever vendors are available. ugh.

It helps so much to read posts from ladies in similar positions. Thank you.

ETA - The last of the couples that I knew started dating right around when we did just got engaged and it has kind of put me in a funk...sometimes I want to just say forget the whole thing because we waited too long and let's just be partners and screw the whole marriage thing. I guess I just thought it would be simpler than this.

 

[pluck15]

Date: 8/13/2009 12:44:20 PM
Author: nkarma
I''m 26 so exact same boat.

How many couples have met and gotten married while you guys were still dating? My relationship is coming up on 7 years. I could probably name at least 10. It''s like those guys didn''t wait too long and their engagement was a suprise and actually exciting, so why can''t mine be? The rational side of me does see that some of those couples moved way too fast and our relationship has always been a little bit slower than everyone else''s cause we like independence. That makes me feel better.

Way too many! We''ve only been together 2 years...and already we''ve been to so many weddings. Now I dread telling SO when yet ANOTHER one of my friends is engaged. It''s even to the point where my best friend (who just got engaged) told her fiance that she was going to call me, and he got nervous thinking that my SO would get mad since he hasn''t asked me yet!

I know its better to date a little longer so that you know you''re with the right one...but when you know.. you know, right?? I totally agree with you that I''m jealous of those girls who hadn''t quite yet started thinking about engagement,.............and then got one! I think about it non stop, and nothin...