Broken engagement

[dixxin]

After three tedious years, the engagement is off.

Distance, lack of affection and work stress finally broken this engagement.

It''s time to move on, but what should be done after the engagement is called off? Should a formal announcement be made? Can the guy get the E-ring back? Should the family be told officially?? How long should I wait before I date again? Should I move back to Melbourne to restart my career? How painful is it to get her tatooed name removed? Should I let my friends know?? Should I talk to my ex ever again? Should I not be angry with her??

Pricescope is a "happy" place with stories of joy frequently posted. I am apologetic but I feel like I need a place to vent. Is there elsewhere I should go to?

 

[Lorelei]

Dixxin, you don't need to go anywhere, I am so sorry this happened to you and you can vent all you want here. I guess a bit of time will show you how best to move forward with this, I would start perhaps by telling the families first, then go from there. I know it must be hard, but with your ex fiance, if you can try to wish her well in your heart then it might be a good first step towards some healing.

I guess as you are a guy and can't go to LIW where these threads are normally posted, then Hangout is the best place and some of the guys may see your post and chime in.

 

[chrono]

I am sorry to read about your broken engagement Dixxin. Usually, if the engagement ring is returned to the guy unless he did something terrible like cheating on her and such.

 

[poptart]

I''m so sorry this happened. I always thought that the etiquette was if the woman breaks the engagement then the man is entitled to get the ring back. As for your tattoo, you could always get it covered up by something a little bigger. I have friends who have done this and it worked well. It shouldn''t be that difficult to do actually. Best wishes!

*M*

 

[neatfreak]

I''m so sorry Dixxin! That''s such a horrid thing to go through. Please feel free to vent here all you want.

As for your personal things, you should do what YOU feel is best. Wait until you''re not so raw, and then start to make decisions.

As for the ring, etiquette says that if SHE broke off the engagement you should get it back. If YOU broke it off, she gets to keep it. The legalities of an engagement ring''s owner depend on the state/country, but that''s what etiquette says as far as I know.

As for the tattoo, I''ve heard that it does hurt, but it will hurt more to look at it everyday! You could also think about getting something else tattooed over it to cover it instead.

 

[Ellen]

I just wanted to say I''m really sorry.

 

[Mandarine]

You don''t need to go anywhere else!!!!....

I am so sorry to hear about this...but look on the bright side, better now than later!. You will find love again and this experience will just become a "learning" experience. I believe everything happens for a reason and there is always a lesson to be learned. Eventually you will look back and not think of the bad/hurtful moments, but hopefully you will just remember the good ones and be able to forgive, forget and move on!. At least, that is my wish for you

Now as far as your questions...

Should a formal announcement be made? This is up to you guys. I guess it depends how far off you were in the planning process. Were invitations sent out? then maybe, you could just have a friend spread the word. That''s what I would do anyway.

Can the guy get the E-ring back? Absolutely I think you should get it back. A lot of people may disagree with me here, but if it was just circumstances and nobody was "to blame" then I think she should give it back to you...maybe you could re-sell it...or it could be a nice pendant for your mom or something.

Should the family be told officially?? Yes...

How long should I wait before I date again? I think only you would know when you are ready....but take some time to have fun, be with friends, family...have some fun

Should I move back to Melbourne to restart my career? If that''s what your heart desires!...You should see this as an opportunity life is giving you! It''s a clean slate, so do with it the best you can

How painful is it to get her tatooed name removed? Ouch, dunno about this one...I don''t have any tattoos...

Should I let my friends know?? I don''t see why not...unless you want to wait to avoid all the questions...eventually, they will find out though.

Should I talk to my ex ever again? Should I not be angry with her?? This really all depends. I really talk to all my exes (except one

). I don''t think you should be angry though. Life happens, plans change. I think the best thing you can do you *yourself* is to forgive. It''s hard at the beginning, but I think holding any type of resentment or anger only hurts you in the long run. You do need time to heal though, so I wouldn''t become best buddies quite yet!. Take some time apart...one day you may feel ready to be in touch with her again, or you may not ever feel like you want her in your life again...which is ok too, just don''t hold anger..

Good luck

 

[Aloros]

I''m so so sorry about your broken engagement. I agree with everyone else that ettiquette dicatates the ring goes back to the guy unless he did something horrible. Unless you two have set a date, I don''t think it''s necessary to put out an official announcement. You can let people know through the grapevine. It''s probably best to let your friends know so you don''t have to endure any painful assumptions.

As for when to date again, or whether or not you should be angry with her, those are things that only you can decide.

Take care.

 

[Hest88]

I''m very sorry.

She should give you back the ring.

You shouldn''t need a formal announcement unless for some reason you had a really formal engagement announcement.

As to the rest of the stuff? It really depends on your circumstances and your emotional state. Personally, I think if you''re not over her you should cut off all contact (once you get the ring and all your other personal stuff back). It''s like ripping the band-aid off--cutting off all ties can help get over someone faster because there aren''t constant reminders. As for Melbourne? Did your career get stalled because of your move? Would you be able to move forward better if you moved back to Melbourne?

 

[dixxin]

Thanks for everyone''s kind words and support.

I will look into a bigger tattoo if that will help..

Will let my side of the family know tomorrow.. probably via sms as I dont feel like facing their questions..

E-ring, she pushed me away, I couldnt stand it no more. She didnt respond to my last call/email. May just leave the ring with her if it''s not given back willingly. No point losing more dignity at this stage.. money aside, I love that rock even more than her I think. Taught me so much about diamond appreciation.

Truly I feel much better after getting some direction on this. I just feel very numb emotionally and dont quiet know what to do. Cant believe she''s ignoring me. Doesnt help I am 10 hours flight time away. I am not here to bash her.. I am accepting this and WILL moving on after this venting.

Thank you Thank you everyone. It''s 5am where I am now, have work in 3 hours. Will get some rest now.

God bless.

 

[curiopotter]

dixxin,

I''m also sorry to hear about what happened.

I don''t think you need to do anything yet other than take some time to yourself to re-evaluate your situation. See if you can take a vacation, even if it''s just a few days somewhere other than home. Everytime something terrible has happened to me, I go to the beach by myself or with my dog and take a walk or sit and watch the waves. By the time I get back home, I feel more at peace to deal with the ''what next'' questions.

There''s no real ettiquite, other than word of mouth. You tell your family, I''m sure she''ll tell hers, and within a few weeks, everyone''s caught up.


Chin up.

 

[chiefneil]

Sorry to hear about your broken engagement. Both Dear Abby and Miss Manners support returning the e-ring, but I agree if she doesn''t return it willingly I''d just move on. She''s probably also in shock, and just needs a little time to calm down though.

 

[poshpepper]

Im sorry that your engagement didnt work out.

I wish you the best as you move on with your life (there is someone out there for you!!!

)

 

[snlee]

I''m so sorry to hear about your broken engagement. Get lots of rest and take care of yourself. You will get through this!

 

[Julianna]

Date: 7/9/2007 4:28:25 PM
Author: Chrono
I am sorry to read about your broken engagement Dixxin. Usually, if the engagement ring is returned to the guy unless he did something terrible like cheating on her and such.

Agreed about the ring. In some states (Maryland is one, I believe), the ring is considered by law to be his property until after the wedding. Additionally, the ring would be covered under HIS insurance policy (homeowners or what have you) until after the wedding.

Anyway why would she want it? I broke off an engagement myself and didn''t even want to look at the ring, as it was something from him.

I hope you have a wonderful future.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 7/9/2007 4:18:13 PM
Author:dixxin
After three tedious years, the engagement is off.

Distance, lack of affection and work stress finally broken this engagement.

It''s time to move on, but what should be done after the engagement is called off? Should a formal announcement be made? Can the guy get the E-ring back? Should the family be told officially?? How long should I wait before I date again? Should I move back to Melbourne to restart my career? How painful is it to get her tatooed name removed? Should I let my friends know?? Should I talk to my ex ever again? Should I not be angry with her??

Pricescope is a ''happy'' place with stories of joy frequently posted. I am apologetic but I feel like I need a place to vent. Is there elsewhere I should go to?

Things have a way of working out with a little time. Don''t do anything quickly. Think on it. As my mother''s hospice nurse taught me, "take it 15 minutes at a time."

 

[gladyskristen]

I''m so sorry to hear of what you''re going thru right now. *BIG PS GROUP HUG*

Is there any chance that you guys might get back together after a cool-off period? I know this might feel impossible to you right now, but taking that into consideration, you might not wanna be so quick to inform your folks about the broken engagement.

 

[Pandora II]

Better a broken engagement than an unhappy marriage - and it''s very hard to step off the "wedding" rollarcoaster once it''s underway.

Word of advice - don''t make any rash decisions over the ring. I walked away from a 7 year relationship and left everything because I felt guilty. Once I''d sat down and analysed the situation I very much regretted that - he had treated me badly for years and cheated on me multiple times as well as borrowing large amounts of $$$. I ended up paying for that mistake for many years after and wish now I''d taken my share.

You didn''t say if you or she had called it off. If she did and not as a result of you running off with someone else or similarly bad she should definitely return the ring.

 

[Harriet]

I''m sorry.

 

[princesss]

dixxin I am so sorry. *hug*

I think you are allowed to be angry for a while. She hurt you, the broken engagement hurt you...anger is part of the grieving process. Don''t let it overwhelm you, and don''t let it affect your dealings with other people (especially other women; I promise not all women are like her). Find a way to channel the anger: write, get a personal trainer, buy a punching bag. But if you let your anger control your life, you are allowing her to control it, and often not letting it out in a healthy manner can make it worse. Rip the band-aid, fight against the pain through a contsructive channel, and let yourself heal.

If going back to Melbourne will put your career back on track (or just help it along), I say do it! Get your stuff (including the stuff she has, since no matter where in the world it is, it''s yours) and go. If you are somewhere you don''t want to be and the only thing keeping you from Melbourne was her, just go. She chose not to be a part of your life so you no longer have to factor her into your plans. Take some time and think about what you want.

I really am so sorry this happened.

 

[Skippy123]

I don''t have advice but I do want to say I am sorry.

 

[KimberlyH]

Dixxin,


What should be done after the engagement is called off? Cancel all wedding plans/arrangements. Some vendors will be really nice and refund deposits, others won''t. Review your contracts so you know what you should be getting from each one.

Should a formal announcement be made? I broke off an engagement several years ago and we (meaning my parents and I just called any invited wedding guests to let them know; my family is close so it ended up being a phone tree sorta thing. I was lucky and thankful to have the help.

Can the guy get the E-ring back? It is the law in most states that she return the ring as it was given with the intent to marry, a promise that has not been followed through.

Should the family be told officially?? I think that your familiy dynamics should dictate this, as well as whether or not you''ve had engagement parties w/ gifts that need to be returned etc.

How long should I wait before I date again? You''ll know when you''re ready, don''t push the issue. I didn''t date for about a year afterwards, because I wanted to get my head straight. It was an amazing time in my life, just getting to know myself and discovering what it was I truly wanted in a mate.

Should I move back to Melbourne to restart my career? Only you can answer this question. Is Melbourne where you want to be?

How painful is it to get her tatooed name removed? A lot less painful than marrying the wrong person.

Should I let my friends know?? Absolutely. They''ll serve as a great support system for you...you''re going to need it.

Should I talk to my ex ever again? Moving on is difficult when a couple with a messy past who is no longer together try to remain friends. Give yourself some time and space...see how you feel about this a year down the road. It''s amazing what time does for us, we see people in very different ways when distanced from them.

Should I not be angry with her?? Anger is a natural human emotion. Don''t act on it by smashing her car windows, but you have every right to be angry.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so sorry to hear this! I agree with everyone, better to know now than later. I would let your family and close friends know. They will want to support you. I hope everything works out.

 

[shminbabe]

I''m sorry about your broken engagement.

But, as someone else said, (cliche, I know, but so true): "better a broken engagement than an unhappy marriage..."

As you indicated, you think you might love the ring (the diamond) more than you love her...that''s a feeling worth paying attention to.

I agree w/ those who think she should return the ring to you barring a situation in which you "abused" her (i.e. did her wrong in some way). If she keeps the ring, then I think it reveals something about her character. She should do the right thing to close the circle on the engagement, out of respect for you, and return it. Honestly, I''d have no problem requesting that she do so, either. And if she refuses I guess I would let it go at that point. You''ll feel better if you aren''t embroiled in a tug of war with her.

Of course you need to tell your family and the rest of it, that depends on how close the wedding was. Had you received gifts yet? Usually the bride will need to do the cancelling and returning of any shower / wedding presents.

Realize that you will recover from this and feel happy again one day. Don''t make any major changes for a while. Just sit with this and see how you feel in several weeks'' time.

jeannie

 

[diamondfan]

Dixxin, this is certainly not easy but is likely for the best. Her ignoring you shows that she is not the right girl for you. In some places the ring is considered a gift no matter what happens, in others, if you break up she keeps it, if she does you get it back. At this point that is small in the scheme of your healing process.

I think it would be normal to feel upset or even angry, just keep it in the healthy mode if you can. Grieve, process your feelings, and then take things a step at a time. No one else can tell you when you will be ready to date or if you should move. Personally, I would let things calm down before I made any big decisions, you are likely too raw to be making the best choices right now. Be nice to you, and it will all work out in time.

As for telling people, that can be handled in small steps too. Of course your immediate family should be told soon, and then you can let them get the word out for you if you do not feel able to manage that now. Eventually it will be out there, so just do what feels right to you.

Best of luck and know that there is someone out there for you who will not ignore you and you will be all the happier, this pain notwithstanding.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

Date: 7/9/2007 4:18:13 PM
Author:dixxin
After three tedious years, the engagement is off.


Distance, lack of affection and work stress finally broken this engagement.


It's time to move on, but what should be done after the engagement is called off? Should a formal announcement be made? Can the guy get the E-ring back? Should the family be told officially?? How long should I wait before I date again? Should I move back to Melbourne to restart my career? How painful is it to get her tatooed name removed? Should I let my friends know?? Should I talk to my ex ever again? Should I not be angry with her??


Pricescope is a 'happy' place with stories of joy frequently posted. I am apologetic but I feel like I need a place to vent. Is there elsewhere I should go to?

Well, as a man in a long distance relationship (SC-Japan) I may not know your emotions but I certainly know the fear and have imagined things going this way a number of times.

I think you know the answer to most of those questions yourself--or at least as well as anybody in the world, so I'll leave those be, but I did want to comment on a couple.

First, of course, is the Ering issue. Here us guys have a somewhat different perspective and set of emotions than the women. And while trying to write this I am debating with myself over my emotions and ideas, so I will respond again later after I give it some more thought!


I guess, in my mind, we have worked hard to learn about diamonds, and to pick one out and to pay for it. But the real attachment that I feel for the diamond is because of my emotions for her.

Now once that relationship is gone, it doesn't change the past. The fact is that you two had a beautiful bond, and a real love. It isn't something to cling to but it is still something to respect and appreciate, and no matter what happens it will always be a part of your life and history, and should always be used to learn and grow from.


The diamond's true value, for those of us who have already dedicated its very existence and presence in our lives to that woman we love, comes from that relationship that we had with her.

I believe that the best way to handle it, is after a period of time has passed to really remember how great everything was, and how valuable it really is to have those relationships in life.

That special diamond, for me, represents that bond that once was, and therefore it is a thing to be cherished for the very reason that it represents one of the greatest joys in our life.

Lost though this relationship is, that same thing is what we will seek in the future and this particular diamond is a representation of that which you seek having already been achieved in your life. A certainty that such things exist, can be obtained, and will be obtained again.

Thus it seems to me, after having been through the diamond hunt myself, that I would want to choose whichever route I felt would allow the diamond to best maintain its symbolic representation of those things that I cherished, while still allowing me to move on with my life and appreciate what is to come next.

It could be that in the next few weeks you will remember that she has alot of very admirable qualities and that she is a very incredible person, despite all the anger and depression you are feeling. You might recall all of those happy times and want to leave the diamond in her hands, because it was with her that you established the existence of those emotions and therefore because she is the root of the value of the diamond that it can retain its greatest sentimental value, to you, in her hands.


However, it might also be that the diamond, being a physical representation and result of your hard work and dedication to that love would best maintain its value in your hands. In which case you should certainly take it back.


My own recommendation is to take it back and sell it. Not for the money for money's sake.

But I think for us men this particular symbol can never be used to represent anything else in your life again. If you give it to your dying grandmother and she is miraculously healed, it would still represent that love that you had between you and your ex. Thus the diamond, in my mind, should not be reused by you ever again. But if you sell it, then that symbol of love can be converted into something that you can then use in the future to help you create a new symbol of love when the time comes. Thus allowing you to fully appreciate the love that you had and incorporating that aspect of life into your future by using it to build on the love that will be. then at the same time that diamond that represents so much to you can go on to become a new symbol of love for a new person.

In this way I think you can best appreciate what was while still emphasizing that life continues and is still wonderful and will be all that you are wanting again.

Those are my thoughts anyway, but maybe I am crazy. Give it a little while though, this is your time to cuss and be pissed off and cry at night and be proud when you can be strong in front of other people. And if she has no reason to be mad at you then I think you might want to send her an email that you are not sure how you feel about her keeping the Ering and if she could just keep it safe for a little while until you can calm down a little more. but don't make it long, def time to get a hold of yourself and become independent in your mind and heart again.

 

[scarleta]

I am a bit late, but wanted to say , sorry and seems like you are getting on the right track with all suggestions give here by PS members.I agree if she wants to keep the ering then its best to just let it be.You have more important things to sort out now.Sort of shows you who you are dealing with( holding on to that e-ring)
Maybe it was just not meant to be , so now its over.Hope it will get easier for you with time and above all I hope that one day you will meet someone so very special that you will forget this little event.Best of luck to you and don''t make any decision regarding moving too soon.Stay where you are right now for a while as you can''t leave your troubles and just go.Its best if you just try to sort things out first and don''t make any major decisions while you are dealing with this..

 

[asscherisme]

I''m sorry it did not work out but I agree with others that the pain of a broken engagement is shorter than the pain of a bad marriage.

I had a broken engagement prior to meeting my husband. I broke it off and I gave back the ring. If you broke it off, I would not pursue the ring. But if she broke it off, you have a right to it back.

As for moving. If you want to move then move. But don''t move if you feel you need to because of her.

AS for tatoos, I don''t have any, not my thing. But I would NOT get a larger one to cover it up. Her name will still be there and you will know it. I would get it removed if I were you. I love the person who wrote that its less painful to remove a tatoo than a painful marriage.

As for telling people, thats your call.

Broken engagements suck and are painful but I promise you that it will get better.

I would not do anything rash, take your time and think things through.

 

[WorkingHardforSmallRewards]

oh, and the other comment, I don't know for sure but I think it is going to be a bitch to get that tattoo removed. Just a guess though.

 

[poptart]

Date: 7/10/2007 1:05:13 AM
Author: WorkingHardforSmallRewards
oh, and the other comment, I don''t know for sure but I think it is going to be a bitch to get that tattoo removed. Just a guess though.

Yea... I have a friend who appeared to have that done on his arm. It does not look so great. I figure if you like tattoos you could just get a piece of art that represents something else important to you, and cover up the name in addition.

*M*