Bringing Children to Funerals?

[labellavita81]

Hi,

We had a recent death in the family (my grandfather) and the funeral is coming up. It started to get me thinking about whether or not its a good idea to bring a young child (old enough to know what death is, but not old enough to really understand, etc) to a funeral.

My cousin would like to bring her 6 year old girl with her (who doesn't really know my grandfather), I am wondering if she really needs to put her daughter through that. I have a step daughter who is 7, she has met my grandfather a few times but I don't think its necessary for her to be at the funeral.

I would love to know what every one else thinks.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I'm not a mother, but I will be in about six weeks. I think it's very important for children to learn about death, loss and traditional practices ( funerals, wakes, etc) at a young age so they learn that death and these traditions are not weird or scary, but something that is natural and done in celebration of the person who passed. Usually, while the wake is open casket, the funeral itself is not or if it is the casket is far enough away that you're really not up close and personal with the body. I would be OK bringing a 6-7 year old to a funeral service of a relation.

 

[atroop711]

We have had a few fam. funerals in the last 4 yrs (at least once a yr) and I've brought my children to all 4 of them. I first spoke to my children about my grandmother's passing. They asked if they could go and wanted to say goodbye. They asked all sorts of questions and I answered as honestly as I could. I told them she will look like she's sleeping. When we arrived they said oh she does look like she's sleeping and told her they loved her. That was it..they went on to talk to fam. members and friends. I never made a big deal about it, it was something the family was doing together, we were celebrating this persons life.

NOW when I was a kid I had an aunt who was a few yrs older than me and made me very scared of funerals..she really made it an issue. I think if you don't make it an issue or a bad thing, kids will be ok with it.

BTW my children presently are 10yr, 6yr and 21mo ...so the older 2 children have attended as young as 2yr. I would not bring them to a funeral that is not for a family member.

 

[tyty333]

I agree with HH and atroop. Its something kids need to learn about and understand. Tell them it is a time to remember the
person and celebrate their life. Try to put it in a positive prospective for your child.

I'm not sure how I would feel about it if it was someone who died an untimely death or someone that I was particulary close
to. I'm not sure if I would take them if I thought I might get really upset.

 

[dragonfly411]

I was taken to three funerals as a younger and then middle aged child. I think that it helped me to learn that it is a time to remember a person's life, and a time to say goodbye to them. I think that for me, it helped me to accept death a bit easier now that I am older, because I was brought to understand that death is a natural part of life, and everyone will experience it. I think children should know what funerals are, and be able to attend.

 

[Tuckins1]

In my opinion, a funeral is a family event. Even if the child didn't really know the deceased and is young, it is still important for them to be with the family in a time of mourning.

 

[lyra]

I would not have a child that young attend the funeral unless she can remain quiet and sit still. I don't agree that children of this age need to be around death and funerals just to learn about it. There's lots of time for that, sometimes too much time. If it were the child's immediate family, that's different. Your cousin's child could be part of the family gathering afterward of course too.

 

[Haven]

I think it depends on the child, of course. My aunt and uncle brought their children to my grandmother's funeral last year, they were 6 and 3 (twins) at the time. The kids wanted to go, they were very close with their grandmother, and I think it was the right choice. We all recently got together for the dedication of the headstone, and the kids were there for that, as well.

However, we're Jewish and I know that our funeral services are different than others. We don't have viewings, and it was a graveside service, so we all sat by the grave, had a short service, and they lowered the casket into the ground and we completed the service by throwing the traditional scoops of dirt onto the casket. I imagine my cousins might have had a different experience if it was a situation with an open casket or something.

I believe I went to all of our family funerals when I was a child, but my parents weren't really the type to think about things like "Is this a bad idea?" They just lived their live as they always had and we were just a part of everything.

 

[KimberlyH]

I think it's important for children to learn that people die and that grieving/mourning is a normal human emotion. That being said, if a child is particularly sensitive or immature I might opt not to take him/her.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I was 6 when my great grandfather died. I wanted to go to the funeral but my mom didn't think it was a good idea. To this day, I regret not getting to say goodbye. I went to many funerals as I got older and at least for me, even as a child, they were very valuable as a way to say goodbye and express my grief around other people who understood. I think it is up to the parent to decide what is best for the child. If you think yours shouldn't be there, that's fine, but it is just as fine for your cousin to bring a 6 year old if she will behave.

 

[MonkeyPie]

I went to my grandfathers funeral when I was 4. It wasn't traumatic, it was explained to me, and even though I didn't fully "get" it, it is nice to think now that I at least went.

 

[vespergirl]

I attended my grandfather's funeral when I was 7, and I brought my son to my grandmother's funeral when he was 2. He was interested in seeing her & saying goodbye to her. Since my grandmother was in her 90s, the funeral was really a "celebration of life," with pictures of her posted everywhere, and all the generations down to her great-grandchildren attending. Since she always loved babies and small children, we know that she would have loved to have them there to say goodbye to her.

In our culture small children always attend funerals - it is a good opportunity to explain death to children, and if you explain what's going on in a matter of fact way, they will be fine with attending. I think it's important to expose children to death, which is a natural part of the life cycle. It also gives them closure if the relative is someone that they knew.