Bridesmaid vent

[jaylex]

Hi Girls. Prepare yourselves for a vent.
One of my bridesmaids has been one of my best friends for the past 10+ years. She and her husband are both in our wedding party.
They are good people deep down... but everyone who knows them knows that they are extremely selfish, and my bridesmaid can be pretty bossy and selfish. I love her... I really do... but there are just a couple of things I need to vent about.
They have a one year old who NEVER leaves her side. Literally, if anyone else (even his dad) tries to hold him and bm is there, baby throws a screaming fit until bm picks him back up. Then the crocodile tears stop immediately.

Now, we have had a "no children" policy from the very beginning of our wedding planning (that started last January) and she has known about it since then. And I TOLD her it applied to her as well.
Yesterday, I was talking to bridesmaid and a mutual friend and we were talking about how mr Jaylex and I decided to have a "no children" policy.
friend said "aww. that means little (baby's name) won't be coming to the wedding "
And I was like "no.. he's not. sorry baby "
And bridesmaid says " What do you mean, he's not? I can't be away from him for a full day! He's breastfeeding! We talked about this.. remember? I said that my mom would bring him" (he also eats regular food, btw)
And I said " well... I really don't remember having that convo with you. I remember telling you that we had a no-children policy. you are still going to be like... my bridesmaid, right?"
And she said "of course! If he get's fussy, my mom will take him out of the reception".

And at that point, I didn't want to get into it any further as our friend looked like he wanted to leave. So I excused myself, hugged bm and said "goodbye".

Later that day, I got a phone call from her husband:

me: "Hi, gm. Sorry... I'm in the grocery store and don't get good reception so if it cuts out..."
gm: <interrupts> "Whatever. I don't need to get measured for shoes, right?"
me: "well, they don't cost more or save you anything if you don't go with them.. so yeah. We would like you to get measured for shoes"
(they are very stingy with money... so I naturally thought that he thought he was going to pay extra for them)
gm: "Well, I was thinking more about my comfort."
me: "Well, I think the idea is that you all match. So get measured for them, and if Fiance decides before the wedding that he doesn't care if you wear your own shoes, then you all don't have to wear them."
gm: "ok. so I DON'T have to pay extra for them?"
me: "right"

A few hours later, I got another phone call from bridesmaid. So I asked her:
me: "Just so we're clear, your mom would only bringing baby to the reception, right?"
bm: "No. She'll be bringing him to the whole thing."
me: "Well, I'm not sure I want a baby in the ceremony. You know how he'll get if he sees you and can't be near you.. he'll throw a fit"
bm: "Well, he'll probably be fine. and if he isn't, that's my mom's problem."
me: "I really don't want a screaming baby in my wedding video (at this point, all I can picture is the kid flipping out and her darting off the stage in the middle of the ceremony to take care of him.. or him being fine, but watching the video back and seeing her constantly waving at/smiling at the baby while everyone else in the party is watching the wedding. OR god forbind the baby spits up on her bm dress before the ceremony or reception.)
bm: "well, maybe my dad will have him out in the fellowship hall. that way he can just run around and stuff"
me: "I don't want him at the ceremony"



Flash back to November:
bm called me and said "Will you kick me out of your wedding party if I get a tattoo?"
me: "No. it's your body. what are you getting and where?" (she had always talked about getting something above her bellybutton... I assumed this was what she was doing)
gm: "A big butterfly... about the size of my open hand on my back"
me: "oh..."
bm: "well, MOH has a tattoo!"
me: "yes. it's on the top of her foot, and I already knew she had it when I asked her to be in the party"
bm: "well, would you be mad at me if I got one?"
me: "Since you asked my opinion, and I've always been honest with you... I'd really appreciate it if you wait until after the wedding.. especially if you guys decide you want strapless dresses"
bm: "Ok."

A week or so later, they decided they wanted the strapless dresses and put the order in for them.

Flash back to yesterday night.
I was talking to one of my other bridesmaids on the phone (she also happens to be a mom, and I wanted to see if she had been planning on bringing her young son. she didn't.) She said that she had taken him to a wedding once before, but she was a guest... not in the party.
Then she says:
bm2: Did you know that bm1 got her tattoo?
me: no. She didn't say anything to me about it.
bm2: Yeah. well, she called me today and she said "my back is hurting.. I got that tattoo. The one Jaylex asked me to hold off on getting
bm2: oh. Well what did she say about it
bm1: She doesn't know. I'm not going to tell her. She won't see it until the day of the wedding, and then I'll just tell her that she and I talked about it and she told me I could get it.


So now I've gone from frustrated to really ticked off. I don't care that she got the flipping tattoo. It's not like we're going to take pictures of her back. It's more that she is hiding it from me and planning on letting me just "find out" on my wedding day!
I try to be a level headed person, but I know that day is already going to be SUPER stressful due to family drama... and she knows it too. The fact that she wants to add to that really makes me feel like she doesn't value our friendship at all.
Plus, now I realize even more that she and I never talked about her mom bringing the baby to the wedding... the fact that she told bm2 that she is going to try to make me think that I told her she could get the tattoo made me realize that she is just trying to manipulate me.
And I really don't want her baby at the wedding at all. I just think it will be too distracting for her. Maybe if her husband wasn't also in the party.. but she knew about this from the very beginning.

I know I've brought this on myself. I know what kind of a person she is, but I just keep letting her walk on me (It's not just me... she does it to everyone she is close to)...
I wish she could have just held out two more months. Or done it before they chose their dresses.

I just need to put on my backbone.. tell her she has 2 months to find a babysitter for half of a day, and confront her about her tattoo.

Or am I being a bridezilla?
Either way, this sucks.

 

[jaylex]

wow. that was super long.

Sorry!
It feels better to have it out, though! lol

 

[Dr.Bride1985]

That's so tough to have a BM acting that way. But honestly, she is acting like she's the only that matters at the wedding when it's actually YOUR day. She's there to support and honor YOUR marriage and you should both keep that in mind. She agreed to do it after all.

The tattoo - oh well. You're the one everyone is going to be looking at anyway. So what if she has a butterfly on her back. You will be the one in beautiful flowing white (ivory??) and a veil. Nobody will think twice about her.

The baby - you have every right to say no to him being at the ceremony. It's quiet, and sacred, and a baby crying could really really mess up your video. At the reception though, people will be talking, you will be mingling, and if it makes it that much easier for her to have him there then do you think it will be so bad?

Best wishes, my dear. Just remember the big picture!

 

[chemgirl]

Ugh, this sounds annoying. I think she has every right to get a tattoo if she wants, but to spring it on you at the wedding and then pretend she talked to you about it is not cool. Wow, you must think you're losing your mind with all of these supposed conversations that you know nothing about. Pretty disrespectful that she thinks she can just trick you like that.

As far as no kids...we had a similar rule at our wedding and everybody respected it. The only downside was that a few people didn't come because they don't go anywhere their kids aren't welcome. So I was without a few very important people. I think you should be more firm with her and tell her that her child will not be welcome at the ceremony. She can't manipulate you like that. Just be prepared to do without a bridesmaid and groomsman if she is really set on bringing him. Also, she doesn't need to be with him 24/7 just because she's breastfeeding. Its called a pump, lots of women use them. Think of all of the ladies who breast feed and work full time, they manage somehow. I can see bringing him to the reception, but definitely not the ceremony. Is she planning on feeding him during he ceremony? I think not, so clearly the excuse doesn't hold up.

 

[yssie]

You have no right to opine on the tattoo - and either way it won't take away from your wedding, truly, noone (including you) will care at all. You do IMO have the right to choose whether or not you want children at your ceremony, and I think it's vital to enforce said rule for all your guests (or I can just imagine that you'll be hearing of a *lot* of peeved parents!).. if you are prepared for the possibility of losing one BM. Tell GM he can just wear the shoes for the ceremony and photos and wear his own for the reception, if he's worried about comfort.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

The tattoo is what it is, you can't really get upset because in the end it won't matter so much.

The shoes...well, you have 1 couple standing up in your wedding. It's like doubly expensive, so I kind get saving money where they can. Your wedding is important to you, but remember, they still have stuff IRL that needs attending too...I can get the money issue from that angle.

As far as the kid, yes, that's a bone you could pick.

If you don't want kids at the wedding, that's your choice. And instead of skirting around the issue with compromises, just lay it out "no kids at my wedding, that's it...if that doesn't work for you, then I guess we'll have to call this an impasse and I hope we can remain friends". Then it's totally on her. What's more important? Spending the day with her kid or being in your wedding knowing her child will be lovingly cared for. Maybe even offer to pay for a babysitter if it's such a hardship.

At the end of all of these issues, it's your wedding. You can choose what to get in a huff over and what you allow to roll off your back. I was a bride not so long ago and honestly, getting worked up over every little thing did me no favors and I doubt they'll do any for you either.

 

[Autumnovember]

bm1: She doesn't know. I'm not going to tell her. She won't see it until the day of the wedding, and then I'll just tell her that she and I talked about it and she told me I could get it.


This is what bothered me the most. Not the fact that she got the tattoo but that she decided she would be manipulative about it and try to make you believe that you had given her the "ok" to get that tattoo and then reveal it....ON YOUR WEDDING DAY!'

Personally, I would talk to these two people one more time about the child being there/shoes and if they still feel as if they want to run the show and call the shots, ask them to step down.

When I get asked to be in a wedding, I accept the responsibility KNOWING that I'll have things to pay for/do that maybe I don't agree with but maybe thats just me....

 

[Prana]

I totally understand you not wanting kids at your wedding. I didn't want any at mine either.....but somebody still brought their baby. Other people were pissed, some actually said something to me, but I just told them that no children were invited.

Even if you tell this BM no and she agrees to not bring her baby, what's to say that she won't show up with the baby in tow anyway, and try to tell you that you talked about it and told her it was OK?

Unfortunately, you are dealing with a selfish, manipulative person. I would bring it up with her one more time, see how she handles it. If she doesn't handle it well, tell her that you hope that the two of you can still remain friends. She is trying to make this about HER, some people have an issue where they need to be the center of attention-no matter what kind of attention it is.

The tattoo thing---there's nothing you can do. One of my bridesmaids (DH's sister, actually) pierced her face a few days before our wedding. I know that I shouldn't have been pissed, because it's not my face, but I wondered why she couldn't have just waited a couple more days. I didn't say anything to her about it, didn't even acknowledge it actually. If I were you, I wouldn't acknowledge her butterfly back tattoo at all. Then she won't get the attention that she is seeking.

 

[missy]

Hi Jaylex,
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Your girlfriend sounds very manipulative and I am pissed off for you. It is your wedding day and by accepting your invitation to be in the bridal party she should be more supportive of you. Honestly I know a lot of people will not agree with me on this issue but I would remain firm on the no kids policy. I mean, you already told her and she agreed and it is clear as day that she is manipulating the situation now just like she is lying to you about the tattoo. I don't think the tattoo is a big issue but the lying about it certainly is! And by her having her child attend the ceremony (and let's face it I am sure he will be disruptive and I am sure your friend's mother will not be as good as controlling the child as your friend would be) that's just plain disrespectful of her. And I also would not allow him to attend the reception. She agreed and promised to abide by your no kids rule and then she goes and does what she pleases and lies to you in addition. This is your wedding and I most certainly do *not* think you are being a bridezilla at all!
So sorry about your "friend" who cares more about herself and is a selfish beeatch IMO. I respect honesty. I do not respect or tolerate lies.

Best wishes for your wedding. No matter what you decide I am sure you will have a wonderful time!

 

[rosetta]

don't let the tat get to you. what's done is done.

i found that people wouldn't want to leave the kids behind to come to my wedding. so i now have no less than 32 of them coming. it's totally your right not to have kids at the ceremony. i just didn't want the drama of banning children so they are ALL invited.

it'll be chaos, but at least everyone will be happy and no peeved parents when one of them brings their baby (coz you know there'll always be one person flaunting the rules!)

at least kids look mega cute in wedding videos, and i come out looking like the anti-bridezilla

 

[jaylex]

Hi Ladies. Thanks for all of your responses and for reminding me to look at the "bigger picture".
I wanted to add a few things... bm and gm have tons of family and they all live within five minutes of each other. I'm sure they would never have to worry about paying for childcare. Plus our church offers it for free
Besides that, she knew about the no-kids policy BEFORE I asked her to be a bridesmaid. If I was asked to be in a wedding where kids weren't invited and I had a child, I would expect to get a babysitter for the day. But maybe that's just me.
As far as the tattoo thing goes, I agree that I didn't have the "right" to decide if she got a tattoo or not.. but the fact that she ASKED me instead of TELLING me makes me think that she wanted my opinion. So I gave it to her.
It was the lying thing that pissed me off more than anything else.


Ironically, bm called me yesterday and told me she picked up her dress and that she wanted to come over and show it to me.
Obviously, when she put it on I saw her tattoo.
It was about a third the size she had originally talked about getting and light purple so it was even a little less noticeable (and for anyone who is curious, she ended up going with little stars instead of a butterfly lol).
bm: so I got that tattoo....
me: yeah I heard. And really, bm... I don't really care that you got a tattoo..
bm: Well remember... you told me I could?
me: (ignoring comment) I do care that you were planning on hiding it from me until the wedding. It made me feel like you were trying to manipulate me and that you didn't value our friendship.. and honestly, I'd never do something like that to you.
bm: I'm really sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to be mad at me. But I would have told you sooner or later. You know me... I can't keep a secret.. and having this for the past couple of weeks without telling you has been really hard.


Then we had a convo about the baby
me: you know I love you and baby, but I just can't have him at the ceremony. I can't take a chance that he gets upset and it's not fair to the other people who are invited that can't bring their kids. I hope you can understand that.
bm: ok. I'll have my sister watch him.
me: thanks.. I really appreciate it.

her husband was there as well so I got the shoe thing out of the way while I was at it and asked him to wear the shoes for the ceremony and pictures, but told him that if he wanted to bring his own to wear to the reception that I was fine with that.

So it's kind of funny but bm was extra "supportive" and "considerate" yesterday. She arranged and picked up of all of the other bridesmaids dresses (the other girls are in college out of town so getting them picked up was proving to be challenging), called my MOH and offered to write out extra bridal shower invitations, called me to see if I had a dress for the rehearsal dinner and if not, did I want to go shopping together, and asked me if I had a certain hairstyle I wanted all of the girls to have for the wedding (umm.. No. I don't like "matchy bridesmaid" hair lol.)

It's weird. Besides "what are we going to have to pay for?", she had never talked about the wedding or wanted to get involved like that before.
Maybe she's turned over a new leaf?
I'm going to keep and ear out for lies and attempts at manipulation (old habits die hard) but I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt.
I have more important "stuff" to worry about lol.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Good for you to get things out in the open and let them know plain and clear what the expectations are. Sounds like she knew she had pushed the line on the lying about the tattoo and expected a meltdown. Hopefully your BM and GM will keep their act together.

 

[Prana]

You killed her with kindness. Glad to hear that it didn't add more drama!

 

[yssie]

Sounds like a happy resolution to all issues all 'round

 

[hoofbeats95]

Wow I'm so glad that it looks like everything is ok. I think her manipulative ways are rather frightening. I'd have a hard time trusting someone like that.

The kid thing. . . I WISH we would have made our ceremony at the least no kids. . .or no kids under 5. But my brother has a baby that will be 6 months old. So that wouldn't fly. Ironically my youngest brother has a child just like you described. He's just over 2 and he's a holy terror when he sees my mom - his Grandma. My brother is not with the mother, so he gets him only every other weekend. My wedding weekend is not his weekend. I'm so thankful! My mom and I talked about it. She understands my feelings. If the kid sees her it's "Grandma Grandma Gradma!" If someone looks at him the wrong way he throws a huge hissy fit. I can't deal with the thought of that at the ceremony. My brother is also glad that it's not his weekend for the same reason. My SIL (other brother's wife) tried to talk my brother into getting his son for that weekend. She thinks the kid should be in the family pics. And I admit that sucks, but honestly we all feel it's better this way. Sad as that sounds. I was wondering while reading - do you have any family with kids that would need to be present for the pics? And if so, how does that work with the no kids policy?

 

[jaylex]

Hi Girls!
Thanks again for your comments!
Hoofbeats, our response cards have a line that says "___ places have been held in your honor" and we didn't put kids names (anyone under 14) on the envelopes. We haven't sent out the invites yet, but our parents are passing the word along to the family members with young children. So far, no one has had a problem with it. I hear they are actually "excited" for the "night off" lol.
We do have 2 family members in the bridal party that are under the 14 yr age limit but they are fiance's half brother and half sister.. so if anyone tries to throw a fit for that.. let 'um lol.

I hope everything works out with you and your nephews
Looks like you dodged a bullet with your wedding being on the two year old's "off" weekend.
And in regards to the picture thing, I really doubt he'll be upset in 15 years if he looks at your pictures... "hey! Why wasn't I in any of these?!"

 

[Pandora II]

Just wanted to add something on the kids thing.

We wanted no children at our wedding - but made exceptions for babies under a year, children of guests coming from overseas and children of siblings. In the end we ended up with a load more when people's babysitters fell through etc and honestly it didn't matter at all - the parents were great at supervising and no-one screamed at the wrong time or anything. Getting the parents on board about going out of the ceremony if the child acts up is the important thing.

I have a 22 month old daughter and until she was 18 months ago she had very bad separation anxiety. Plus I am still breastfeeding. The most time I have ever been away from her is 8 hours and to be honest it took a lot longer going off to pump than it ever does just feeding her. (You have taken into account that she will need to go and pump for 20-30 minutes or so every 4 hours?)

I would get someone to watch her outside during the ceremony (seeing me would be fatal) - even if she had screamed the whole time (we couldn't even get baby-sitters she was so bad), but would have to have her there during the reception.

However I have a rather challenging child - if her kid is super-easy and will stay with other people then the only issue is the pumping.