Wedding Bridesmaid drama!

[CaliCushion]

We asked the bridal party to be in the wedding 8 months ago. 7 more months to go! We are having a smallish wedding (max. 120) even though my fiance has a huge family (over 20 first cousins!), so the list is tight. In order to have a small and intimate wedding, we decided that no kids would be invited and only people in serious relationships (people in a relationship now) would be allowed to bring a date. We don''t have the money for extra guests, nor do we want people in attendance that we don''t know or don''t care about. The bridesmaids knew about this and said ok.

One of my bridesmaids, B, has a very on again off again relationship. They are off right now, so I sent her a STD with just her name, but assured her that if she''s with her boyfriend, he will be invited. She replied that she will only come with a date, and if she''s single, she is going to bring a friend! She said I know what a hard time she''s having with her relationship and doesn''t understand why I can''t make an exception for her. She said that she''s been allowed to bring anyone she pleased to the past weddings she was in and that''s appropriate ettiquette. I explained that I hoped she was coming to the wedding to be a part of my special day, regardless of how much fun she thought it would be. I explained that I could bend the rules and invite a new boyfriend if she has one, but I can''t allow her to bring a friend when others aren''t even allowed to bring boyfriends. B said that I don''t care about my guests and she''s going to be miserable if she has to go alone, even though I explained that there will be many single men.

Frankly, I don''t know what to do. I feel like everything is about B. I said that I was hurt that she changed her mind about bringing a guest and is threatening me with not even coming to the wedding. She made a commitment to be in my wedding, and now wants to ruin our friendship because she doesn''t think the wedding will be fun without a date? I said that I hoped she can be understanding and accept the decisions we are making about our wedding, just as I accept the decisions she makes that I don''t like or don''t agree with.

Tell me I''m not crazy if I remain firm and don''t back down. I don''t want to ruin a friendship, but I feel like my wedding is a celebration of the love between me and my fiance. The only people I should have to compromise with are my fiance and our families, not guests!

 

[oobiecoo]

I do think your friend is being a baby, but I can also see things from her view. Will she know any of the other guests at your wedding? If so, I''d say NO DATE except the on-off boyfriend. If not, then maybe offer to let her bring a guest if she doesn''t mind paying for him. Or let the maids and groomsmen all bring dates as it will only add a few people. Don''t let her bully you though... its YOUR wedding and YOUR money.

 

[CaliCushion]

Oobiecoo-the bridesmaid causing the problem is very close friends with two other guests, and friendly with three of the bridesmaids. If we decided to invite the single members of the bridal party with guests, we''d have 6 extra guests. That''s a lot of extra guests considering we didn''t send STD''s to some of our friends (we are waiting to see if people casually let us know they will be unable to attend the wedding, allowing us room to invite extra guests). I have no issue bending the rules and letting the bridal party invite a date they meet before the wedding, but it seems wierd for them to bring platonic friends to such a small wedding.

 

[Izzy03]

We are in the EXACT SAME situation. We are inviting 125, but hoping for less. We also cut kids and are only allowing those in serious relationships to bring a guest. My fiance has a few friends that literally have a new "girlfriend" every week. Why should I pay for their "flavor of the week" to eat and drink. Will this person be giving me a gift? No. (I promise, I really don''t care about the gifts, its just the principle). Guests who don''t like it, are welcome to not attend.

I try to think about a family member that was left off of the list and how they would feel if they knew that someone I had never met before and would probably never see again was at my wedding. I know they would be hurt.

I guess the only hard part is that she is one of your bridesmaids. I think you should stick to your guns. Its very easy to think "Is one plate really worth compromising my friendship?". However, your friend''s actions are compromising the friendship, why should you bend for someone who doesn''t seem willing to do the same for you?

You should talk to her again. DO NOT play the blame game, do not tell her how wrong she is. You will surely cause more tension if fingers are pointed. Tell her that nothing would make you happier that to have her in your wedding, but the budget is only getting tighter and you won''t be able to make an exception for her situation. You hope she understands and will still choose to be a part of your day.

If she still throws a hissy fit, cut her from your wedding party now, because I think she will only cause more problems in the future.

 

[marchswallowbird]

I had a friend, L. (now an ex-friend) who was like this. Everything was about her. When our mutual friend got engaged (ages ago), she asked L. to be her maid of honor. L. freaked out and said no way could she do it, she would be way too nervous with all those people watching her walk down the aisle. It ruined their friendship. L. and I remained friends for a long time, until finally I just could not take her me-me-me-me all the time. She was such a narcissist that if there was not drama happening in her life, she''d create it herself. She was constantly argueing and having dramas with people at work, with her boyfriends, her family, with me, you name it. I finally cut her loose and I have been MUCH happier without her toxicity in my life.

Cali, you should stick to your guns. This girl is being unreasonable. If she persists and can''t get over herself, I agree, cut her from the wedding now.

 

[Gwyn]

This is a tough dilema. I know alot of people feel strongly on both sides about this.

Disclaimer: The following is totally my own thoughts and feelings and, though I feel strongly about them, I totally respect other's points of views. Also, I am writing this after reading just the initial post.

For me, the wedding is about me but I take my guests, and especially my wedding party, into account heavily. The people in my party are my sisters and best friend so they are very prominent and permanent people in my life. I wanted to honor them by inviting them to be in my wedding. With the exception of travel and housing, almost everything is paid for including meals, dresses they picked out, hair and makeup if they want it etc.

Also, No one in my wedding was invited without a date or a plus one. We are having a nice wedding BUT only have about 50 guests in attendance,so it was easy for me to do this.

I am one of those that feel very strongly that no adult should be invited to a wedding without a guest. I would be totally offended, single or not, if I recieved an invite with just one, especially from a close friend or family and DEFINITELY if I was in that person's wedding (because I would be sacraficing alot of time and money to be there for them and they couldn't fork over the money for an extra guest for me).

Yes, I attend weddings for the couple, but it isnt like you spend the wedding with them, you are pretty much on your own most of the time. Even at my own sister's wedding I saw her maybe 1/2 hour to an hour out of a 6 hour reception. If you are lucky, there are friends and family that you know and can be with but still, you can only be someone else third wheel for so long. Not to mention weddings are emotional and romantic affairs, I would want my boyfriend there. And if i were single, I would want one of my trusted pals there.

If you absolutely cannot afford another meal, then by all means stand your ground (I am assuming this is not an issue because you can pay for her date if it's the old boyfriend). If you can, I would make the exception. I know it is tough because you made this same rule for all your guests, but this is one of your bridesmaids, clearly she is deserving of a little special treatment. Especially since she is the one that will be aiding in your pampering for the next few months.

One more note and Im done. From your post, I dont think she is handling this well. She has no right to TELL you she is bringing someone regardless. Though I can understand her frustration, I think thats a little rude. And I understand how that in itself could bother you and make you want to rebel against what she is asking. Not to mention you were very thoughtful in explaining to her that her on and off again boyfriend would be welcome if they were together again. I think you might be more comfortable with the who thing if she had just talked openly about it with you, explaining how it was important to her to have someone there she trusts/can lean on or whatever her reason is, instead of telling you "well if hes not with me I am going to bring a friend". I would be pretty angry with her for that.

Again I will say these are my own thoughts and I do understand the other views and the other factors that go into this decision, it is just how it would make me feel.

 

[diamondfan]

This is so tough.

Of course it is more fun to attend an event with someone you know when you are single. It just makes it nicer. But I am very friendly and social and I think, due to your constraints, for the sake of our friendship, I could be a big girl and suck it up for a night. It might not be my ideal but I think I could do it. I understand cost issues, space issues, size issues, and not wanting a total stranger you will likely never see again at your wedding. It does make sense, but human nature is funny and now she is backing down on what she agreed to. I think you should just tell her you cannot not afford to pay for strangers, and that you made a rule and hope that she can be supportive. And just you wait and see if she gets married she might do stuff too, it is a lot easier for her to throw a fit without having been in your shoes. If you want to keep it intimate and about you and your man, and keep costs down, I think she should support you.

 

[decodelighted]

Honestly, I don't think it's about "fun" ... I think she's having a hard time NOT being in a relationship right now and that she needs the moral support of a date or guest. I have been there. There were times I wouldn't have gone to a wedding if I couldn't have brought a date. One of them was my own sister's wedding, as sorry as that sounds.

I made sure at my own wedding that everyone who wanted to bring a date could. It was nearly my #1 priority. Because I know how *I* was, when I was the five-years-older-just-broken-up-with-my-boyfriend-sad-sack-spinster-clinically-depressed sister of the bride.

ETA: Oh, and to clarify, it wasn't even my idea to bring a friend to the wedding. I didn't know it was even something that could be done. My therapist INSISTED.

 

[CaliCushion]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Gwyn and deco--I do understand where you are coming from, and I appreciate you respectfully showing me the other side. B defended her position with a lot of the same reasons that you did. However, she will not be alone at the wedding. She knows and is friends with many of the guests. I feel that since our friends will be there, isn''t that the same as bringng a friend? The wedding is about 30 minutes from her house, so it''s not as though she has to travel anywhere alone. B said she doesn''t want to stay at the hotel alone in a room, and wouldn''t think of sharing a room with another girl. B suggested we just tell everyone her date is her boyfriend. The problem with her knowing other guests (and bridesmaids!) is that they will know she is single. B suggested we just tell everyone her date is her boyfriend, but how can I invite her with a friend when other guests and bridesmaids aren''t even going to be invited with new boyfriends? Not to mention, I''m not going to ask our mutual friends to lie and say B''s guest is her boyfriend...

I think a huge part of my issue with this is how she is handling the situation and threatening to not come. Since she may be "on" with the on again off again bf or have a new bf, I suggested we just deal with the issue when the time comes. Hey, there''s a good chance she won''t even be single! However, she wants an answer now because the bridesmaid dress, bachelorette etc are so much money (and she''s not hurting for money...). I really don''t like being bullied to give in, expecially about my wedding. She''s pretty much saying "I want to bring a guest, and it shouldn''t matter to you who it is. If I can''t bring a guest, I''m not going to be a bridesmaid because I''m not attending your wedding solo.."

 

[Diamond Confused]

If she is forking out money to be in your wedding and she is a good friend, why not just let her bring someone.

 

[marchswallowbird]

Date: 10/2/2008 1:58:52 AM
Author: CaliCushion

how can I invite her with a friend when other guests and bridesmaids aren''t even going to be invited with new boyfriends?

THIS is a core issue. If you let B. bring a guest, you are setting a precedent and making an exception for one person to the detriment of others. You can do it, but you will risk offending the others, perhaps badly.

You MIGHT want to read the book "Take Back Your Wedding" before making a decision. It is a very good book on how to deal with all these types of very sticky issues involving family and close friends. The back cover describes it this way: "Take Back Your Wedding combines wisdom from the world of family therapy with a realistic picture of how comples and families behave under the stress of planning a wedding...No one gets through this without times of frustration, confusion and sometimes anger. Thsi book is an essential gude to handling the stress, avoiding the common pitfalls, having a great wedding and launching a successful marriage." You can get it on Amazon for like $10.

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 10/2/2008 1:58:52 AM
Author: CaliCushion
Thanks for the advice everyone.

Gwyn and deco--I do understand where you are coming from, and I appreciate you respectfully showing me the other side. B defended her position with a lot of the same reasons that you did. However, she will not be alone at the wedding. She knows and is friends with many of the guests. I feel that since our friends will be there, isn't that the same as bringng a friend? The wedding is about 30 minutes from her house, so it's not as though she has to travel anywhere alone. B said she doesn't want to stay at the hotel alone in a room, and wouldn't think of sharing a room with another girl. B suggested we just tell everyone her date is her boyfriend. The problem with her knowing other guests (and bridesmaids!) is that they will know she is single. B suggested we just tell everyone her date is her boyfriend, but how can I invite her with a friend when other guests and bridesmaids aren't even going to be invited with new boyfriends? Not to mention, I'm not going to ask our mutual friends to lie and say B's guest is her boyfriend...

I think a huge part of my issue with this is how she is handling the situation and threatening to not come. Since she may be 'on' with the on again off again bf or have a new bf, I suggested we just deal with the issue when the time comes. Hey, there's a good chance she won't even be single! However, she wants an answer now because the bridesmaid dress, bachelorette etc are so much money (and she's not hurting for money...). I really don't like being bullied to give in, expecially about my wedding. She's pretty much saying 'I want to bring a guest, and it shouldn't matter to you who it is. If I can't bring a guest, I'm not going to be a bridesmaid because I'm not attending your wedding solo..'

I get it Cali, and its a hard position to be in. On one hand you want to be fair and understanding to your bridesmaid's predicament and on the other you dont want to have to make these exceptions for all your bridesmaids and possible all your guests that know you bent the rules for someone else. Add on top of that, she is kind of backing you into a corner with that whole, let me do what I want or else kind of attitude.

I don't know how many single bridesmaids you have coming but would it really kill your budget if you invited them plus a guest? I think that the rest of the guests (if any took issue with it) would understand the disctinction. You said yourself that the dress and bachelorette etc are so much money, would it be so off balanced if you extended an invite to all your girls plus one? Chances are very few will take the plus one unless they are actually with someone (I know a few single people we invited with a plus one ended up RSVPing just for one anyway. I know you say she isn't hurting for money but that doesn't change the fact that she is spending money on your day that could be spent on herself or saved for her own furture not to mention the time involved.

Her attitude is another story (not unrelated I just mean different story). To me, saying "Im going to bring a guest regardless of whether or not you welcome one" is crossing the line. The part of me that wants to see the best in people sees it as her reaction to the fact that she can have a date, as long as it's the old boyfriend. So, to her, it doesnt look like its a money or space issue since her bringing her now ex boyfriend is totally acceptable. It is more of an issue of you chosing or approving who she brings aka judging her lifestyle. I would like to think that it is her aversion to that which is making her...how do we say...a less desireable friend. Another factor I think that is playing in heavily on her really pushing for a guest has to do with the idea that she isn't feeling particually good about herself and her life right now. And she may feel she really needs someone "on her side" kind of deal. Mutual friends/aquantances may just not cut it. From the sound of your post, it seems like she plan to bring a male friend. So I feel that her NEED for a guest might also have something to do with proving to others (along with herself) that she is desireable or worthy of a relationship. Though some people rejoice in it, "single-dom" can be a stigma to others (especially those coming out of a relationship and those in a relationship they don't see progressing).

It is your wedding and your decision. No one should try and bully or pressure you into anything you dont want or feel you cannot do. She should respect your decision not to allow her a guest, but I also feel you need to respect hers to bow out of your wedding. There is a good chance she doesn't mean you ill will in doing so and that she honestly feels that, at this point in her life, attending a wedding alone is just too unbearable.

If you do stand your ground and she does end up excusing herself as a bridesmaid, I think there is also a good chance she is going to regret it later. Especially if she is back with her ex and none of this would have been an issue OR when she finally overcomes her own feelings of inadequacy. But thats her decision and she will have to live with. You do whats best for you and your FI.

Oh and don't let something crappy like this at the beginning dampen your wedding planning/enjoying one bit!

Fairy dust for luck!

 

[diamondfan]

I just do not see why she should be allowed to and no one else, because she is emotionally blackmailing you. We all go through tough times and break ups. We see others happy while we just broke up with someone. We see pregnant women while we are trying to conceive. The world goes on around us. A lot of stuff happens to others that is good and is not about us. If you tell her she can, I have to say if I were one of the people you said no to I would think that was uncool. I think you have to say all can or none, and if she really cannot manage for a day, I feel badly for her, but...it is your day and you were clear about what your expectations were. It is not like you are suddenly telling her no when she thought she could bring someone all along. And your rule is pretty fair. Plus, she could tell this guy, hey, you are coming with me to the wedding, since they have been a couple on and off. You know, life is tough, we have to suck it up sometimes for someone else. Everything is not tailor made to be about how we want it to be. It is one night. And I am sure it is not her preference, but being childish and threatening you to not come is uncool now that the rule bothers her. I would tell her she does not need to be in your wedding anymore if that is going to be her attitude with you.

What she did and who she brought to ANY other wedding is not relevant. This is your wedding, your scenario is different. If you feel you cannot do it, that is your choice. And proper wedding etiquette is not to emotionally harangue the bride to be and threaten to not come. I am sure if you had the room and could afford it, you would tell everyone to bring someone and you would not care. But this is something you envision being a certain way, you are paying for it, and have the right to have it that way. If she is so petty that she would do this, let her do it, and maybe this friendship will not survive the wedding. I have seen this many times, and it is sad. But unless you give in, and deal with the issues that entails with the other BM's, there is really nothing to do.

 

[Shoopy]

"She said I know what a hard time she''s having with her relationship and doesn''t understand why I can''t make an exception for her."

Make it very easy for her to understand. It''s your wedding, its your money paying for the plate, and its your rules. End of story.

"She said that she''s been allowed to bring anyone she pleased to the past weddings she was in and that''s appropriate ettiquette."

No it isn''t.

"B said that I don''t care about my guests and she''s going to be miserable if she has to go alone, even though I explained that there will be many single men."

Well then she can either be miserable or drop out of the wedding now.

What a brat

 

[meresal]

If the other bridesmaids can''t bring a date then she shouldn''t either. How do the other BM''s feel about the fact that she gets to bring a date if her "on/off" relationship is "on" when the wedding arrives?

 

[TravelingGal]

IMHO, you should let each of your bridesmaids bring a date or a friend. Assuming you are doing the usual bride thing, you''re asking these women to throw you a bachelorette, bridal shower, possibly pay for dress, shoes, hair, makeup, be out 100s of dollars and you can''t do them the courtesy of letting them invite someone?

Even if the rest of your guests can''t bring a date, I would think there would be some understanding if you let your bridal party do so.

 

[decodelighted]

Brat? I'd agree that the bridesmaid isn't acting ideally but this whole push-pull thing is awkward to say the least. How "bratty" is it to say, basically, "If you get back together with that jerky ex THEN you can bring a date" but if you don't, too bad. She must be trying pretty hard NOT to get back together with him & your abstract rule is part of the "problem" not the solution.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/2/2008 11:50:32 AM
Author: decodelighted
Brat? I''d agree that the bridesmaid isn''t acting ideally but this whole push-pull thing is awkward to say the least. How ''bratty'' is it to say, basically, ''If you get back together with that jerky ex THEN you can bring a date'' but if you don''t, too bad. She must be trying pretty hard NOT to get back together with him & your abstract rule is part of the ''problem'' not the solution.

I don''t think that''s what Cali is saying. I think its more that she (Cali) is setting the rule of you can only bring a date if you are dating someone at the time of the wedding. She''s not saying if she gets back together with the ex but if she has a boyfriend then he can go. But if she''s single then she doesn''t get to bring a date. That''s pretty standard in wedding invites.

 

[neatfreak]

I will put this out there and say that my opinion totally hinges on the fact that she is VERY GOOD FRIENDS with 2 other people at the wedding and is friendly with 2 of the bridesmaids.

I personally wouldn''t let her simply because she''s essentially blackmailing you. THAT is the part of this that drives me crazy. If she said it in a nicer way though (i.e., I''m having a really hard time right now with the fact that my relationship is on the rocks and really need some moral support at a wedding) I''d probably try to work around it somehow.

If she didn''t know anyone else I''d be more accommodating. But no one over the age of 13 needs to bring another friend to a wedding where a number of their friends will already be attending IMO...

 

[purrfectpear]

Wow, what a big deal over someone that is supposed to be your good friend. I guess I would never make "rules" about my bridal party to begin with? I understand budget and all that, but it''s not as though you''re talking about another dozen people. I would want my BM''s and GM''s to be happy and if that means a date, it wouldn''t bug me.

I don''t think there''s emotional "blackmail" going on. She told you how she feels. Let her bring a date or let her back out. I don''t blame her myself. If you don''t want to bend, then do without her. No biggie.

 

[Gwyn]

Date: 10/2/2008 12:04:13 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 10/2/2008 11:50:32 AM
Author: decodelighted
Brat? I'd agree that the bridesmaid isn't acting ideally but this whole push-pull thing is awkward to say the least. How 'bratty' is it to say, basically, 'If you get back together with that jerky ex THEN you can bring a date' but if you don't, too bad. She must be trying pretty hard NOT to get back together with him & your abstract rule is part of the 'problem' not the solution.

I don't think that's what Cali is saying. I think its more that she (Cali) is setting the rule of you can only bring a date if you are dating someone at the time of the wedding. She's not saying if she gets back together with the ex but if she has a boyfriend then he can go. But if she's single then she doesn't get to bring a date. That's pretty standard in wedding invites.

I disagree

Her original post reads as follows:

"One of my bridesmaids, B, has a very on again off again relationship. They are off right now, so I sent her a STD with just her name, but assured her that if she's with her boyfriend, he will be invited."

I read that as saying "if you are back with your boyfriend he is invited" not "if you are with any boyfriend they will be invited". If it was just any boyfriend I would assume the poster would use language more similar to "if she has a boyfriend he is invited" and not posessive pronouns like "if she's with her boyfriend, he will be invited." Cali's reasoning being that she only invited non married people with guests if they were in serious relationships at the time the STDs went out but she didnt want to exclude this friend from bringing her usual boyfriend just because they happened to be on the outs at the time she sent the STDs.

Cali, feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

One thing about "rules" that I think everyone understands is that they can't concrete. What do you do if one of your single friends meets some guy or girl and is totally smitten and they get engaged and/or married before your wedding. I know its an extreme scenario, but stranger things have happened in 7 months time. I highly doubt that you would refuse this friend's FI or spouse and invitation and I also do not think that anyone would be hurt by your decision to break this rule for them. I guess I am saying that I wouldnt make this decision based on the fear that you will hurt others with it. If they have a real problem, they can come to you. Right or wrong, the bridal party gets special treatment at weddings. They get tons more pics AND also more face time with the bride and groom, and that is totally acceptable.

wow, do you ever sit back and look at some of your posts and think...I have way too much time on my hands! I think I need a hobby

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 10/2/2008 12:46:15 PM
Author: Gwyn


I disagree

Her original post reads as follows:

'One of my bridesmaids, B, has a very on again off again relationship. They are off right now, so I sent her a STD with just her name, but assured her that if she's with her boyfriend, he will be invited.'

She also went on to say:

"I explained that I could bend the rules and invite a new boyfriend if she has one, but I can't allow her to bring a friend when others aren't even allowed to bring boyfriends."

I, for one, personally feel that if you can't invite a guest with a date then you shouldn't invite them. But I'm 26 and all of my potential guests are 30+. But there have been many guest arguments on here and I think the general rule is that if the person is dating someone, they are invited but if single they aren't. Or is that wrong?

 

[Gwyn]

I sit corrected totally forgot that line.

 

[diamondfan]

I just feel this is one of those times where no matter what you are in a bind. And people ask and expect things of the host and hostess that in a million years I would NEVER ask. You are invited, either come or don''t, of course clarify things that are unclear but after that, stop with the threats and attitude and decide to come or not come. I am hosting a huge weekend event for my son''s bar mitzvah and people have been pretty rude. I mean, I am busting my butt for this event for almost three years and people act like it is being invited to come have a pizza at my house. And these are intelligent people who entertain and go to parties a lot.

 

[CaliCushion]

Deco---I think we are having miscommunication! I told B that she is welcome to bring her on again off again boyfriend is they are together. I''m not allowing other guests to bring dates they are not in a serious relationship with, but I told B that I can bend the rules and that she was also welcome to bring someone new that she is dating at the time. The only think I don''t want is her coming with a platonic friend, because many people are going to know they are not romantically involved and our mutal friends will not lie about the situation.

 

[Sha]

Date: 10/2/2008 8:17:02 AM
Author: diamondfan
I just do not see why she should be allowed to and no one else, because she is emotionally blackmailing you. We all go through tough times and break ups. We see others happy while we just broke up with someone. We see pregnant women while we are trying to conceive. The world goes on around us. A lot of stuff happens to others that is good and is not about us. If you tell her she can, I have to say if I were one of the people you said no to I would think that was uncool. I think you have to say all can or none, and if she really cannot manage for a day, I feel badly for her, but...it is your day and you were clear about what your expectations were. It is not like you are suddenly telling her no when she thought she could bring someone all along. And your rule is pretty fair. Plus, she could tell this guy, hey, you are coming with me to the wedding, since they have been a couple on and off. You know, life is tough, we have to suck it up sometimes for someone else. Everything is not tailor made to be about how we want it to be. It is one night. And I am sure it is not her preference, but being childish and threatening you to not come is uncool now that the rule bothers her. I would tell her she does not need to be in your wedding anymore if that is going to be her attitude with you.

What she did and who she brought to ANY other wedding is not relevant. This is your wedding, your scenario is different. If you feel you cannot do it, that is your choice. And proper wedding etiquette is not to emotionally harangue the bride to be and threaten to not come. I am sure if you had the room and could afford it, you would tell everyone to bring someone and you would not care. But this is something you envision being a certain way, you are paying for it, and have the right to have it that way. If she is so petty that she would do this, let her do it, and maybe this friendship will not survive the wedding. I have seen this many times, and it is sad. But unless you give in, and deal with the issues that entails with the other BM''s, there is really nothing to do.

Ditto! I totally agree with this.

 

[Pandora II]

She''s being pathetic and needs to grow up.

Rules are rules and you are already bending over backwards for her on-off relationship.

If she''s prepared to put the friendship on the line over it - well, she''s not any kind of friend I would like.

 

[CaliCushion]

I''m reading everyones responses, and please tell me I''m not being mean or ridiculous! If we let all the single guests invite anyone they wanted, we''d have 20 extra guests. That brings our guest list to 140, and we still will have left out friends and family members!

None of the single guests we are inviting are coming completely alone, and I wouldn''t expect them to. I wouldn''t want anyone to feel alone or like they don''t know anyone at my wedding. The single friends are all in one of two close groups of friends. Every single person invited has at least 3 close friends who will be in attendance, and there will be a mix of single males and females.

In my ideal world, no guest would bring someone they weren''t in a serious relationship with. I think I''m ok with letting people bring newer boyfriends, but friends? I feel like my wedding is an intimate event for close friends and family, and I don''t want to be surrounded by strangers. I think I''d also later regret knowing that guests brought a dancing partner while my fiance had to tell all his friends at work we had no space for them....

 

[CaliCushion]

Purrfect--I didn''t give the bridesmaids rules. I meant to say that the bridesmaids knew from the beginning that I was having a small wedding and that room was tight, and I didn''t plan on inviting anyone with dates if they weren''t in a relationship. Everyone agreed that that was something I had to do in order to keep the guest list down. No one objected.

I would understand B being upset if 3 months before the wedding she fell madly in love with a new guy and I told her she couldn''t bring him. However, she has changed her mind and decided that not only does she want to be able to bring a date, but anyone she chooses.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 10/2/2008 11:31:52 AM
Author: TravelingGal
IMHO, you should let each of your bridesmaids bring a date or a friend. Assuming you are doing the usual bride thing, you''re asking these women to throw you a bachelorette, bridal shower, possibly pay for dress, shoes, hair, makeup, be out 100s of dollars and you can''t do them the courtesy of letting them invite someone?

Even if the rest of your guests can''t bring a date, I would think there would be some understanding if you let your bridal party do so.

As usual, I agree with TGal.

It''s absolutely expected that allowances are made for the bridal party that aren''t expected to be made for other guests. They are taking on responsibility to participate in your wedding day, and the typical gratitude extended to them is to allow them to bring guests.

I understand that she knows others in the bridal party, but think about what happens at a wedding reception. After dinner, most of the focus is on dancing. If you''ve ever been to a wedding without a date, then you know that the single attendees end up sitting with little company while couples dance. Sure, people end up dancing in groups too, but it''s not the same thing. One can VERY much feel like a third wheel.

I had only 26 guests at my wedding, so I completely understand the dynamics of wanting a small, intimate wedding. I just feel, though, that if my attendants are willing to honor me by standing with me at my wedding, it''s a small thing to honor them and let them feel comfortable with a date if they wish.