Bridesmaid Dilemma

[getting excited]

The fiance and are in the beginning stages of planning and would like to ask our bridal party. I have been good at staying in contact with a lot of people from high school and college and have been in six weddings in the last few years. Aside from those weddings, I also have two sisters, a future sister in law, and a best friend that I would want in the wedding party. Inevitably, there are going to be people who had me in their wedding that I cannot have in mine. I really want to limit it to eight bridesmaids and even that sounds like a lot to me! I feel like two of my friends are expecting to be in the wedding (but probably won't) and would be really hurt if they weren't.

Have any of you been in this situation? I am not sure how to handle it. Should I talk to them about it, letting them know they won't be bridesmaids, but that I really do value their friendship? And I do, I really do value their friendship and want them at the wedding, but I just feel like eight is enough! I thought about asking them to do a reading at the wedding, but I am afraid that will feel like a consolation prize to them. I don't know, maybe I am over thinking it, but I though I would get some feedback.

 

[ForteKitty]

Personally, I dislike being in wedding parties. They are expensive, and I hate doing crafts for DIY. (my friends have had sweatshop type parties to do invites, favors, table cards, programs, etc...) Then you're running all over helping w/ stuff on the day of the wedding, taking pictures.. you dont even get to enjoy it fully.

They might be relieved that they wont have so many duties, but can still participate in the fun stuff like showers and bachelorette parties.

However, if they are expecting it and are looking forward to being part of the bridal party, they will be hurt. Better tell them before you tell your bridal party. It would hurt a lot less than hearing from a third party.

 

[amc80]

Could you keep it to your sisters, SIL, and best friend? That way you're not including any of the six whose weddings you were in.

 

[getting excited]

Could you keep it to your sisters, SIL, and best friend? That way you're not including any of the six whose weddings you were in.

I had thought of that, but to be honest, it is very important to me that some of the other girls are there with me. They all mean very much to me and I am excited about having them as bridesmaids.

But your suggestion may be my only option at this point.

 

[lucyandroger]

Have any of you been in this situation? I am not sure how to handle it. Should I talk to them about it, letting them know they won't be bridesmaids, but that I really do value their friendship? And I do, I really do value their friendship and want them at the wedding, but I just feel like eight is enough! I thought about asking them to do a reading at the wedding, but I am afraid that will feel like a consolation prize to them. I don't know, maybe I am over thinking it, but I though I would get some feedback.

gettingexcited, I have not been in your position before but I have been the friend that didn't fit before. My suggestion is to be completely honest with the two friends that will not be in your bridal party and I am sure they will totally understand. They may be a little upset that you chose certain other friends over them, but including them as readers would be a nice way to make them feel special. The main thing I wanted to say was that I strongly suggest you do not make up some silly excuse for not asking them - the honest truth is so much better! (not that you were planning to do that - just speaking from experience with my situation)

 

[yssie]

The fiance and are in the beginning stages of planning and would like to ask our bridal party. I have been good at staying in contact with a lot of people from high school and college and have been in six weddings in the last few years. Aside from those weddings, I also have two sisters, a future sister in law, and a best friend that I would want in the wedding party. Inevitably, there are going to be people who had me in their wedding that I cannot have in mine. I really want to limit it to eight bridesmaids and even that sounds like a lot to me! I feel like two of my friends are expecting to be in the wedding (but probably won't) and would be really hurt if they weren't.

Have any of you been in this situation? I am not sure how to handle it. Should I talk to them about it, letting them know they won't be bridesmaids, but that I really do value their friendship? And I do, I really do value their friendship and want them at the wedding, but I just feel like eight is enough! I thought about asking them to do a reading at the wedding, but I am afraid that will feel like a consolation prize to them. I don't know, maybe I am over thinking it, but I though I would get some feedback.

Here's my honest perspective: I was also in the position of being one of the 'excluded' ones, for much the same reasons as you're considering it, it sounds like - she had too many near and dear and wanted to keep it to ten.

And she explained very nicely that she valued my friendship, and that she hoped we'd continue to be as close as we were. And I'll be honest, I was really hurt to see that other friends had 'made the cut'.

Think about how much you're agonising over this decision - you want to include so many people, but inevitably certain people have to be dropped and the 'more important' people make the cut... the people that included or excluded you agonised in exactly the same way. To know that a friend is apparently more important to you than you are to her is a big blow, and it can be hard not to interpret it that way when people aren't chosen in some easily definable group (friends only, family only) that's clearly *not* based on 'how important it is to have them there'..

Then again, as PPs have said, some people just do not care so much and would be fine and even happy to be excluded so as to fully enjoy the event. Only you know what sorts of people your friends and family might be!

 

[getting excited]

The fiance and are in the beginning stages of planning and would like to ask our bridal party. I have been good at staying in contact with a lot of people from high school and college and have been in six weddings in the last few years. Aside from those weddings, I also have two sisters, a future sister in law, and a best friend that I would want in the wedding party. Inevitably, there are going to be people who had me in their wedding that I cannot have in mine. I really want to limit it to eight bridesmaids and even that sounds like a lot to me! I feel like two of my friends are expecting to be in the wedding (but probably won't) and would be really hurt if they weren't.

Have any of you been in this situation? I am not sure how to handle it. Should I talk to them about it, letting them know they won't be bridesmaids, but that I really do value their friendship? And I do, I really do value their friendship and want them at the wedding, but I just feel like eight is enough! I thought about asking them to do a reading at the wedding, but I am afraid that will feel like a consolation prize to them. I don't know, maybe I am over thinking it, but I though I would get some feedback.

Here's my honest perspective: I was also in the position of being one of the 'excluded' ones, for much the same reasons as you're considering it, it sounds like - she had too many near and dear and wanted to keep it to ten.

And she explained very nicely that she valued my friendship, and that she hoped we'd continue to be as close as we were. And I'll be honest, I was really hurt to see that other friends had 'made the cut'.

Think about how much you're agonising over this decision - you want to include so many people, but inevitably certain people have to be dropped and the 'more important' people make the cut... the people that included or excluded you agonised in exactly the same way. To know that a friend is apparently more important to you than you are to her is a big blow, and it can be hard not to interpret it that way when people aren't chosen in some easily definable group (friends only, family only) that's clearly *not* based on 'how important it is to have them there'..

Then again, as PPs have said, some people just do not care so much and would be fine and even happy to be excluded so as to fully enjoy the event. Only you know what sorts of people your friends and family might be!

Yssie, so how did thigns go after this for you and your friend? I am sorry you were hurt and that is exactly what I am trying to avoid. Did you both stay friends as you were before?

 

[yssie]

Yssie, so how did thigns go after this for you and your friend? I am sorry you were hurt and that is exactly what I am trying to avoid. Did you both stay friends as you were before?

I can't say that we did.

I should say here though that I'm the sort of person who only has eight or so people I truly consider 'friends', and few acquaintances, and as I have no siblings I consider my friends family and they're very precious to me. I'm also not at all the sort to emotionally invest in a relationship that I feel is unequally reciprocated, so I drew back and we drifted and that was that..

well, that was a downer of a post.

 

[Autumnovember]

I posted a thread about how my friend is in my wedding and she did not ask me to be in hers (we're getting married three months apart). When I found out that I wasn't in it, I was extremely upset. I felt like she didn't value our friendship the same way that I valued it and I felt really weird about the whole situation and her in general. When I initially found out about it, I will admit that I was *VERY* upset about it and I didn't even want her in my own wedding anymore. After a few days of cooling off and recollecting my thoughts, I stopped myself and realized that I shouldn't be upset. Do I wish she would have told me beforehand instead of finding out through other people? Yeah. She did call me when she realized how upset I was and by then I was being more level headed. I told her that I respect her choices with the people she chose. She tried to explain why she chose who she did and before she even really had the chance to fully explain, I stopped her and told her that she doesn't need to defend her decisions to me and all that really matters to me is that she is happy. She was really glad I was understanding and felt a lot better after we talked. I didn't want to make her upset for who she chose so I knew I needed to suck it up and stop being a baby about it.

If she asked me to read at her wedding, I would definitely do it. She's my friend and she is still important to me and I would feel honored to have any part in the wedding being it be a bridesmaid or a reader.

If you feel like you should talk to the two girls who you won't be asking to be in your wedding, then do it. Only YOU know best how they will react and what is appropriate for your friendship.

I would have liked it if she told me beforehand so I could have had a little bit of warning instead of being thrown for a curveball which probably played a role in how upset I was.


As of right now, I can't really say how our friendship is going to go. I don't WANT this to be the reason why we drift apart. I have not seen her since I found out about being excluded so I guess we'll see how things go.

 

[Autumnovember]

The fiance and are in the beginning stages of planning and would like to ask our bridal party. I have been good at staying in contact with a lot of people from high school and college and have been in six weddings in the last few years. Aside from those weddings, I also have two sisters, a future sister in law, and a best friend that I would want in the wedding party. Inevitably, there are going to be people who had me in their wedding that I cannot have in mine. I really want to limit it to eight bridesmaids and even that sounds like a lot to me! I feel like two of my friends are expecting to be in the wedding (but probably won't) and would be really hurt if they weren't.

Have any of you been in this situation? I am not sure how to handle it. Should I talk to them about it, letting them know they won't be bridesmaids, but that I really do value their friendship? And I do, I really do value their friendship and want them at the wedding, but I just feel like eight is enough! I thought about asking them to do a reading at the wedding, but I am afraid that will feel like a consolation prize to them. I don't know, maybe I am over thinking it, but I though I would get some feedback.

Here's my honest perspective: I was also in the position of being one of the 'excluded' ones, for much the same reasons as you're considering it, it sounds like - she had too many near and dear and wanted to keep it to ten.

And she explained very nicely that she valued my friendship, and that she hoped we'd continue to be as close as we were. And I'll be honest, I was really hurt to see that other friends had 'made the cut'.

Think about how much you're agonising over this decision - you want to include so many people, but inevitably certain people have to be dropped and the 'more important' people make the cut... the people that included or excluded you agonised in exactly the same way. To know that a friend is apparently more important to you than you are to her is a big blow, and it can be hard not to interpret it that way when people aren't chosen in some easily definable group (friends only, family only) that's clearly *not* based on 'how important it is to have them there'..

Then again, as PPs have said, some people just do not care so much and would be fine and even happy to be excluded so as to fully enjoy the event. Only you know what sorts of people your friends and family might be!

I felt the same exact way when I was excluded. It's a really, really shitty feeling for some people.

 

[getting excited]

I felt the same exact way when I was excluded. It's a really, really shitty feeling for some people.[/quote]


That is exactly the feeling I am trying to avoid.

 

[Autumnovember]

I felt the same exact way when I was excluded. It's a really, really shitty feeling for some people.

That is exactly the feeling I am trying to avoid.[/quote]


To be honest, even if you DO tell them beforehand....I don't think that them feeling shitty can be avoided. If my friend would have given me a heads up about it before asking the girls to be in her bridal party, it would have helped with feeling less crappy but nonetheless I think I still would have felt pretty awful.

 

[slg47]

well can you just have 10 bridesmaids? I mean, I understand if you were cutting it to like 3, it might be easier to 'cut' people. But just cutting two people out-they might really get their feelings hurt. I recently went to a wedding where there were 8 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen-it was fine!

 

[AustenNut]

Like some of the others, I don't see how you'll be able to pull this off as your currently have it planned without some people getting their feelings hurt. To me, by the time you get to 8 bridesmaids, you might as well add on the extra two because an 8 bridesmaids is already considered a large group. So why not make it larger?

If you really don't want that many, then what about family only, or family and best friend? Or avoid the situation all together and have no bridal party, just designate special roles (hand out programs, reader, sing a solo, give a toast, etc.)? You could then give small bouquets or little corsages or something to designate their special importance to you to the other guests.

 

[ForteKitty]

hey, if you add 4 more bms, each gm will have 2 girls. That would look pretty cool.

 

[getting excited]

Thanks for all the help ladies! This will be a tough one.

 

[Sabine]

As long as you aren't including some from 'groups' of friends but not others I think you're fine.

I had a group of 5 friends from college that were all close. We were all in the weddings of each other, but one girl has 3 sisters, a sil, and a cousin she's really close with. So she just had family as her bm's and none of us from college even though she was in all of our weddings. Honestly, if she had had one or two of us but not others (even though she's especially close with one of the girls), we would have been upset.

We wouldn't have been upset if she had high school friends or friends from post college and not us, but some from our group without all would have been hurtful.

 

[violet3]

Honestly, this is a really hard position to be in. Personally, i would NEVER be sad to NOT be asked to be in a wedding (except maybe my sister's), but am always honored to participate. But then, I'm not easily offended by things, and quite frankly being in a wedding is A LOT of work. I never gave any thought to whether my friends would be offended if I didn't ask them, and the one friend who i KNEW would like to be a part of it (but we're not as close as we once were) i asked to do a reading. I knew it would be important to her to be involved.

Could you involve these other two friends in some other way? readings? singing? etc. If not, and you really think that it will hurt your friendships with these women, I would have them in the wedding, and just have 10 people. At the end of the day, a wedding is ONE day of your life, and ableit your most important one to date (most likely), but friendships are hopefully forever. Many times these days wedding parties are unequal, and if it were me, I'd want to look back 10 years from now and see my good friends who are still my good friends in my pictures, rather than looking back with regret.

Ultimately, it's your choice and you won't be wrong either way, but from reading the above posts from some ladies who's friendships were seriously hurt by this decision, i think it comes down to how important YOUR friendships are with these other two women.

 

[getting excited]

I totally see your point, violet3, but at the same time, can't you argue that if these girls were truly my friends, they would still be just as good of a friend to me if I didn't have them in it? Being a bridesmaid does not dictate who is a friend and who isn't. I think it is about what makes sense with regards to where you are in life adn the friends that are most relevant to the couple. As much as I would be happy to have these two girls in the in the wedding because we are friends, I do, at this point, feel like I am trying to fit them in. And I don't think that is necessarily a good reason to have someone in the wedding.

 

[violet3]

I totally see your point, violet3, but at the same time, can't you argue that if these girls were truly my friends, they would still be just as good of a friend to me if I didn't have them in it? Being a bridesmaid does not dictate who is a friend and who isn't. I think it is about what makes sense with regards to where you are in life adn the friends that are most relevant to the couple. As much as I would be happy to have these two girls in the in the wedding because we are friends, I do, at this point, feel like I am trying to fit them in. And I don't think that is necessarily a good reason to have someone in the wedding.

You are absolutely right. this is, in fact, the side i would argue on most counts - but that is most likely because it wouldn't affect my friendship with someone EVER if i wasn't included in their wedding. I am sure that you probably feel the same way as I do, and your rationale is completely logical. However, you have seen above that this DOES make some people sad/angry/upset. I'm not saying whether it should or shouldn't - I'm just asking if your friends are or aren't the kind of people to likely be upset, and if so, how do you feel about upsetting them? One poster above mentioned that they were no longer friends with the bride because it had hurt her feelings. I was just playing the devil's advocate on whether or not this is something that would break your heart down the road if you were no longer friends, or whether you'd be more likely to think it was meant to be and you don't mind.

 

[getting excited]

[quote="violet3


You are absolutely right. this is, in fact, the side i would argue on most counts - but that is most likely because it wouldn't affect my friendship with someone EVER if i wasn't included in their wedding. I am sure that you probably feel the same way as I do, and your rationale is completely logical. However, you have seen above that this DOES make some people sad/angry/upset. I'm not saying whether it should or shouldn't - I'm just asking if your friends are or aren't the kind of people to likely be upset, and if so, how do you feel about upsetting them? One poster above mentioned that they were no longer friends with the bride because it had hurt her feelings. I was just playing the devil's advocate on whether or not this is something that would break your heart down the road if you were no longer friends, or whether you'd be more likely to think it was meant to be and you don't mind.[/quote]


I appreciate your help! And your question is the one I can't seem to find an answer to

 

[Autumnovember]

I totally see your point, violet3, but at the same time, can't you argue that if these girls were truly my friends, they would still be just as good of a friend to me if I didn't have them in it? Being a bridesmaid does not dictate who is a friend and who isn't. I think it is about what makes sense with regards to where you are in life adn the friends that are most relevant to the couple. As much as I would be happy to have these two girls in the in the wedding because we are friends, I do, at this point, feel like I am trying to fit them in. And I don't think that is necessarily a good reason to have someone in the wedding.

You are absolutely right. this is, in fact, the side i would argue on most counts - but that is most likely because it wouldn't affect my friendship with someone EVER if i wasn't included in their wedding. I am sure that you probably feel the same way as I do, and your rationale is completely logical. However, you have seen above that this DOES make some people sad/angry/upset. I'm not saying whether it should or shouldn't - I'm just asking if your friends are or aren't the kind of people to likely be upset, and if so, how do you feel about upsetting them? One poster above mentioned that they were no longer friends with the bride because it had hurt her feelings. I was just playing the devil's advocate on whether or not this is something that would break your heart down the road if you were no longer friends, or whether you'd be more likely to think it was meant to be and you don't mind.

I have to completely agree with everything you have said.

 

[violet3]

I was thinking about something as I was falling asleep last night and I thought I would share....

One of my most memorable experiences with a bride was a friend who's wedding i was NOT in. She was a great friend, but had other people she needed to include. Leading up to the day, however, she shared lots of details - i helped her look for wedding things, including dresses online and shoes etc. The day she got married, she said "stop by the salon!" so i said sure - i love watching people get ready. Anyway, she was having her hair done, and she looked gorgeous - the man doing her hair put her veil in and said "you need to pick someone to take your veil out properly so it doesn't mess up your hair." She immediately said "Violet will do it!" So, he showed me how to take it out, and she went on about her day. At the reception, my (now) husband commented that i wasn't drinking much, and i said "i have to be ready to take out the veil!" I know it's just a little thing, but i felt special and included since my friend needed a hand. No, i wasn't in a red dress (BM color) but that's exactly why i was the right person for the job - and i loved that she invited me to the salon to watch them get ready.

This same friend upon learning i was engaged, called while i was in the bridal store -- i was dress browsing. She knew which friends of mine were in the wedding (not her) but wanted to help anyway. so, she came over and we looked and looked at both bridal and bridesmaids dresses. She's smaller than i am so she willingly tried on all the sample dresses so i could take pictures and email them to my BMs!

What i'm saying is this friend was NOT in my wedding, and I was NOT in hers, but i have terrific memories of the two of us related to both of our weddings. Is there some way you could do something special and wedding related with the two friends that you might not include in the BM party - that can be just as great, in my opinion.

 

[Amys Bling]

Like some of the others, I don't see how you'll be able to pull this off as your currently have it planned without some people getting their feelings hurt. To me, by the time you get to 8 bridesmaids, you might as well add on the extra two because an 8 bridesmaids is already considered a large group. So why not make it larger?

If you really don't want that many, then what about family only, or family and best friend? Or avoid the situation all together and have no bridal party, just designate special roles (hand out programs, reader, sing a solo, give a toast, etc.)? You could then give small bouquets or little corsages or something to designate their special importance to you to the other guests.

This is why I have ten... once we got to 7 and I had 3 people in mind whose feelings WOULD be hurt... I thought, why not add the three. They were going to be invitied to the bridal shower, bachlorette party, and wedding anyways... so no extra cost to me except for the bouquets for the wedding. If they want to be in it soo bad, they are paying for their own dress... and they had an idea of the financial burden they are willingly taking on.... Besides, it is easier on them financially since they can split the shower and gift between 10 BM and the 2 moms instead of 7 BM and 2 moms...

 

[kelpie]

How about no wedding party? Cheaper for everyone and no one will have their feelings hurt. They are your friends and still will help with wedding related things like dress shopping no doubt.

 

[Clairitek]

The fiance and are in the beginning stages of planning and would like to ask our bridal party. I have been good at staying in contact with a lot of people from high school and college and have been in six weddings in the last few years. Aside from those weddings, I also have two sisters, a future sister in law, and a best friend that I would want in the wedding party. Inevitably, there are going to be people who had me in their wedding that I cannot have in mine. I really want to limit it to eight bridesmaids and even that sounds like a lot to me! I feel like two of my friends are expecting to be in the wedding (but probably won't) and would be really hurt if they weren't.

Have any of you been in this situation? I am not sure how to handle it. Should I talk to them about it, letting them know they won't be bridesmaids, but that I really do value their friendship? And I do, I really do value their friendship and want them at the wedding, but I just feel like eight is enough! I thought about asking them to do a reading at the wedding, but I am afraid that will feel like a consolation prize to them. I don't know, maybe I am over thinking it, but I though I would get some feedback.

Here's my honest perspective: I was also in the position of being one of the 'excluded' ones, for much the same reasons as you're considering it, it sounds like - she had too many near and dear and wanted to keep it to ten.

And she explained very nicely that she valued my friendship, and that she hoped we'd continue to be as close as we were. And I'll be honest, I was really hurt to see that other friends had 'made the cut'.

Think about how much you're agonising over this decision - you want to include so many people, but inevitably certain people have to be dropped and the 'more important' people make the cut... the people that included or excluded you agonised in exactly the same way. To know that a friend is apparently more important to you than you are to her is a big blow, and it can be hard not to interpret it that way when people aren't chosen in some easily definable group (friends only, family only) that's clearly *not* based on 'how important it is to have them there'..

Then again, as PPs have said, some people just do not care so much and would be fine and even happy to be excluded so as to fully enjoy the event. Only you know what sorts of people your friends and family might be!

A few years ago I was one of the girls who didn't make the cut. I knew it came down to group politics (I was friends with the bride but not really with her other friends) and I got the boot. I was the ONLY non-bridal party member at the bachelorette party and one of the only young women at the shower not in the bridal party. It hurt like HELL and the bride never had the balls to talk to me about it. I would have been MUCH happier about the whole situation had she just come to me and said "Hey, my BP is already getting so huge, do you mind if you come as a guest? I'll be in a world of hurt if I exclude any of the other girls since were all in one big incestuous group." She never uttered a word about it and I sobbed on my way home from the bridal shower (that I drove 5 hours each way to attend). The funny thing is (this is just an aside, not really relevant to your situation) is that out of her 6 bridesmaids, she is only still in touch with 2 of them- her sister and her childhood best friends who was not part of that group of girls. The other 4 bailed on her and they no longer speak. Looking back I'm not too bummed about the fact that I was passed over, even though I've been friends with her longer than all of the others in her BP except for the sister and childhood friend, but I just wish she had respected me enough to talk to me about it.

I think that the best suggestions are to either add them in or only do a bridal party of 4. Invite the other 6 to come help you get ready and hang out at the salon. I read over Violet's story about her friend and I agree that sometimes its nice to not have the pressure of being in the BP but be included in some of that fun stuff. I've been involved with good friends weddings to a degree before as well and helped with stuff like dress shopping, veil making, etc and I honestly treasure those memories as much as I treasure a lot of my bridal party memories from friends' weddings. Theres so much to do with planning a wedding that I'm sure you can find a way to include those 6 women if you do a smaller BP and make them feel special and included.

 

[violet3]

The fiance and are in the beginning stages of planning and would like to ask our bridal party. I have been good at staying in contact with a lot of people from high school and college and have been in six weddings in the last few years. Aside from those weddings, I also have two sisters, a future sister in law, and a best friend that I would want in the wedding party. Inevitably, there are going to be people who had me in their wedding that I cannot have in mine. I really want to limit it to eight bridesmaids and even that sounds like a lot to me! I feel like two of my friends are expecting to be in the wedding (but probably won't) and would be really hurt if they weren't.

Have any of you been in this situation? I am not sure how to handle it. Should I talk to them about it, letting them know they won't be bridesmaids, but that I really do value their friendship? And I do, I really do value their friendship and want them at the wedding, but I just feel like eight is enough! I thought about asking them to do a reading at the wedding, but I am afraid that will feel like a consolation prize to them. I don't know, maybe I am over thinking it, but I though I would get some feedback.

Here's my honest perspective: I was also in the position of being one of the 'excluded' ones, for much the same reasons as you're considering it, it sounds like - she had too many near and dear and wanted to keep it to ten.

And she explained very nicely that she valued my friendship, and that she hoped we'd continue to be as close as we were. And I'll be honest, I was really hurt to see that other friends had 'made the cut'.

Think about how much you're agonising over this decision - you want to include so many people, but inevitably certain people have to be dropped and the 'more important' people make the cut... the people that included or excluded you agonised in exactly the same way. To know that a friend is apparently more important to you than you are to her is a big blow, and it can be hard not to interpret it that way when people aren't chosen in some easily definable group (friends only, family only) that's clearly *not* based on 'how important it is to have them there'..

Then again, as PPs have said, some people just do not care so much and would be fine and even happy to be excluded so as to fully enjoy the event. Only you know what sorts of people your friends and family might be!

A few years ago I was one of the girls who didn't make the cut. I knew it came down to group politics (I was friends with the bride but not really with her other friends) and I got the boot. I was the ONLY non-bridal party member at the bachelorette party and one of the only young women at the shower not in the bridal party. It hurt like HELL and the bride never had the balls to talk to me about it. I would have been MUCH happier about the whole situation had she just come to me and said "Hey, my BP is already getting so huge, do you mind if you come as a guest? I'll be in a world of hurt if I exclude any of the other girls since were all in one big incestuous group." She never uttered a word about it and I sobbed on my way home from the bridal shower (that I drove 5 hours each way to attend). The funny thing is (this is just an aside, not really relevant to your situation) is that out of her 6 bridesmaids, she is only still in touch with 2 of them- her sister and her childhood best friends who was not part of that group of girls. The other 4 bailed on her and they no longer speak. Looking back I'm not too bummed about the fact that I was passed over, even though I've been friends with her longer than all of the others in her BP except for the sister and childhood friend, but I just wish she had respected me enough to talk to me about it.

I think that the best suggestions are to either add them in or only do a bridal party of 4. Invite the other 6 to come help you get ready and hang out at the salon. I read over Violet's story about her friend and I agree that sometimes its nice to not have the pressure of being in the BP but be included in some of that fun stuff. I've been involved with good friends weddings to a degree before as well and helped with stuff like dress shopping, veil making, etc and I honestly treasure those memories as much as I treasure a lot of my bridal party memories from friends' weddings. Theres so much to do with planning a wedding that I'm sure you can find a way to include those 6 women if you do a smaller BP and make them feel special and included.

This is a great idea. You could even get really creative with it - finding a job for each friend who's not a BM -- ie. dress shopping, shoe shopping, selecting invitations, making favors, picking flowers, etc. There's SO much to do, you could easily have each non-bridesmaid play a very special role in your day. I also think someone's above idea of giving the non-bridesmaids little bouquets is great too!

I'm not pressuring you - although i'm sure all my commentary seems otherwise I just think it's something to really think about - you would want to have these people in your wedding if there weren't so many other people already...on the other hand, you know this may jeapordize your friendships with these people, and you may or may not be ok if you weren't friends anymore as a result of not choosing them. In my mind, the two are polarly opposite...

 

[getting excited]

Thank you all for all your advice. This has been on my mind all the time. I am not 100% sure, but, at this point, I think I am going to go with the eight bridesmaids. I have thought about cutting it down to four, but then there are four other girls that I whole heartedly want as my bridesmaids. Obviously if I am having this dilemma, that is not the way I feel about the two other girls or else there would be no question. While I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings, I feel like I have to do what feels right to me. I am going to try to come up with other jobs like readings or something similar for the two girls becase I would still like them involved if possible. They will definitely not be the only two friends not in the party and they are not the only friends from a certain "group" like high school or college that will not be in it. I truly hope this does not ruin our friendship, but, at the same time, I have to believe if they don't want to be my friends after this, then the friendship might not be strong enough anyway. I am going to try my best to make them feel included and honored. I still have some time to make the decision, but that is where I am leaning at this point.

Again, thanks for all your comments and advice!

 

[violet3]

sometimes just making a decision either way and running with it can really ease your mind...good for you.

I think it's great that you still want to include them -- there are so many ways you can make them feel included. I once sang at a friend's wedding (although if your friends can't sing, do not consider this option ) -- it was really important to her that i do it and that she NOT hear it beforehand. i have to say, of all the "wedding responsiblities" i've ever had, this was the most pressure, and by far my most memorable. The mother of the groom sent me a card (from across the country) saying that i had completed the ceremony with the song...and that it had made her cry -- i still have that card. I've also sewed a veil by hand for a friend, gone shopping with friends for shoes and/or the dress, and helped make wedding favors. One of my best friends took a non-bridesmaid friend wedding gown shopping (we didn't go) because she was her most honest friend, and i'm sure it was a very special moment for the two of them. I'm sure there are many ways you can include your friends, while maintaining your peace of mind that you have the bridal party you want.

And like i said before, I would NEVER be mad at a friend for not asking me to be in her wedding. I am hopeful that your friends will feel the same way and only feel happiness for your happiness.