Bridesmaid bailed w/less than 2 months left, and possibly down a groomsman!

[gwendolyn]

Awww, Harleigh, sweetie, that is so frustrating. I''m sorry you feel things are coming apart at the seams. They aren''t really! Hopefully you''ll get your money back, but if not, at least it saves her going flaky on you the day of the wedding! *hugs* I hope you feel better soon.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow-that''s really lame and pretty crappy to bail out at the last minute. And she better send you your money and the dress back immediately. I''m a little shocked she didn''t tell you over the phone when she told you she wasn''t coming that the check was on its way back to you. I''m sorry you''re dealing with this!

 

[Harleigh]

Hi ladies, and thank you all again for your kind comments. I had a nice little wedding shower at work today with some of my co-workers, so that helped to brighten the day along with all of your support here when I got home tonight.

I did a lot of thinking while I was waiting for our counseling appt. (which unfortunately brought some nasty ''ol skeletons outta our past closets so I have a migraine, but better to get it out now, right???

) and I kept wondering if maybe it WAS me and that I have been a bridezilla, but I just don''t know how that can be the case. Yes, I am a direct, up-front person, but I am also a kind and compassionate one that put no pressure on any of these people to attend our wedding in Maui.

To better handle this, I am at least going to wait until she sends the check and dress back and then I think I will send her a letter stating that I do understand why she is choosing not to go and that I am not in any way upset about that. I think I also do need to make it clear that it was extremely frustrating (not to mention RUDE) for her to wait until 7 weeks prior and not say anything about it until confronted with the question of whether or not she was really going to make it.

I think it would be best to distance myself from her until after the wedding, because it appears it is all about her and how I respond (or don''t respond) to her carrying on. I think neatfreak worded it best and I will probably say something along those lines. I just hate that she tried to make it my fault somehow...I have to get over that and understand that I did give her and everyone else an out without any pressure.

I really do think weddings bring out the worst in people, and I hate to think that such a long friendship could be ruined by her not telling me. I am going to work on getting over this...just as soon as that check and the dress come back!

As for my FBIL possibly flaking out, that came up in counseling today and it did NOT go well, simply because it doesn''t bother Rusty and it DOES bother me. He is of the thought that his cousin can step in at the last minute, of course not thinking of all of the money we''ve already spent on his brother''s attire, gift, dinner, etc..., as well as the amount of money it would cost to not only find, but to purchase matching said items in his cousin''s sizes between now and then. With this one I think I just need to go with the flow and deal with it as it comes, but I do still think it really stinks and I''m really not happy about it.

Thanks again for all of your wonderful thoughts and awesome advice, ladies...you always know how to make me feel better!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/29/2008 12:34:56 AM
Author: Harleigh
To better handle this, I am at least going to wait until she sends the check and dress back and then I think I will send her a letter stating that I do understand why she is choosing not to go and that I am not in any way upset about that. I think I also do need to make it clear that it was extremely frustrating (not to mention RUDE) for her to wait until 7 weeks prior and not say anything about it until confronted with the question of whether or not she was really going to make it.


I think it would be best to distance myself from her until after the wedding, because it appears it is all about her and how I respond (or don't respond) to her carrying on. I think neatfreak worded it best and I will probably say something along those lines. I just hate that she tried to make it my fault somehow...I have to get over that and understand that I did give her and everyone else an out without any pressure.

I feel like I am reliving my situation here! I think these points are the crux of the issue. You're mad not because she's not coming, but because she didn't have the balls to tell you ahead of time, AND waited until YOU asked about it before she told you. AND THEN she tried to make it out like it was YOUR fault for having the wedding far away when I am sure you cleared it with her months before right?

That was my exact situation too...some people are unbelievable. I gave my MOH the location/date even before we booked the place to make sure it was ok, she said fine, no problem. I gave her numerous outs throughout the process, AND we were paying for everything except her plane ticket (and it was to SF so we are talking like $250 at the time). Then she bailed 3 WEEKS before the wedding in the exact same way your BM did, and I only found out because I pressured her into telling me when I was asking about us picking her up at the airport and when her flights got in!

Anyway, sorry, rant over. I just cannot believe people sometimes...just know it isn't about you Harleigh. It's obviously her issue...it is very obvious to me through this whole process that you have been nothing but kindhearted to your bridal party. Don't let her ruin your day.

And I do highly recommend cutting off contact before the wedding. It eliminates the "will she maybe come after all???", the stress of dealing with her, and will free you from worrying about it. Just enjoy your day and the people who are coming to Maui to celebrate with you.

HUGS!

 

[miraclesrule]

((((((Harleigh)))))<--------big hugs

When I went to therapy, I wanted to strangle the therapist. So, naturally, I concluded it wasn''t healthy or cost effective to either of us.

I don''t care how Bridezilla a person gets, okay maybe I do, but I don''t think that condones such cowardice behavior that your "friend" exhibited.

You are right though...weddings bring out the "dumb" in a lot of people. I think it actually amplifies the character of those involved rather than reveals it.

Regurgitaing pain is sometimes the lifeblood of a therapist. Not always, but sometimes. Trust your gut. You will know if you have been a Bridezilla. And if that former BM was a good friend, she would have brought that to your attention long ago.

I will go to Maui.

p.s. I hope that made you smile. Please SMILE!!!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/29/2008 12:40:56 AM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 5/29/2008 12:34:56 AM
Author: Harleigh
To better handle this, I am at least going to wait until she sends the check and dress back and then I think I will send her a letter stating that I do understand why she is choosing not to go and that I am not in any way upset about that. I think I also do need to make it clear that it was extremely frustrating (not to mention RUDE) for her to wait until 7 weeks prior and not say anything about it until confronted with the question of whether or not she was really going to make it.


I think it would be best to distance myself from her until after the wedding, because it appears it is all about her and how I respond (or don''t respond) to her carrying on. I think neatfreak worded it best and I will probably say something along those lines. I just hate that she tried to make it my fault somehow...I have to get over that and understand that I did give her and everyone else an out without any pressure.

I feel like I am reliving my situation here! I think these points are the crux of the issue. You''re mad not because she''s not coming, but because she didn''t have the balls to tell you ahead of time, AND waited until YOU asked about it before she told you. AND THEN she tried to make it out like it was YOUR fault for having the wedding far away when I am sure you cleared it with her months before right?

That was my exact situation too...some people are unbelievable. I gave my MOH the location/date even before we booked the place to make sure it was ok, she said fine, no problem. I gave her numerous outs throughout the process, AND we were paying for everything except her plane ticket (and it was to SF so we are talking like $250 at the time). Then she bailed 3 WEEKS before the wedding in the exact same way your BM did, and I only found out because I pressured her into telling me when I was asking about us picking her up at the airport and when her flights got in!

Anyway, sorry, rant over. I just cannot believe people sometimes...just know it isn''t about you Harleigh. It''s obviously her issue...it is very obvious to me through this whole process that you have been nothing but kindhearted to your bridal party. Don''t let her ruin your day.

And I do highly recommend cutting off contact before the wedding. It eliminates the ''will she maybe come after all???'', the stress of dealing with her, and will free you from worrying about it. Just enjoy your day and the people who are coming to Maui to celebrate with you.

HUGS!

Gosh, neatfreak, you nailed this one right on the head! I won''t rehash it all, but I specifically waited to send out the "Will you be my bridesmaid" cards until AFTER all of the plans had been made so my friends could make an informed decision about it instead of, "Oh, yeah, we''ll be there!" There is obviously more to it than that, but I honestly feel like I tried to do everthing I could to make it as *easy* as possible...basically, it was, "If you can get there and get a hotel, we''ll take care of everything else for you, and hey, we''ll even help you pay for your dang airfare!" And you''re right...it''s now my fault for getting married in such a beautiful place, that really ain''t all that much further than CA from Missouri in the big scheme of things, but whatever!

You always give sage advice, neatfreak, thank you! And no, I refuse to let her ruin my day...now I have to work on my mother!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/29/2008 12:44:44 AM
Author: miraclesrule
((((((Harleigh)))))<--------big hugs

When I went to therapy, I wanted to strangle the therapist. So, naturally, I concluded it wasn't healthy or cost effective to either of us.

I don't care how Bridezilla a person gets, okay maybe I do, but I don't think that condones such cowardice behavior that your 'friend' exhibited.

You are right though...weddings bring out the 'dumb' in a lot of people. I think it actually amplifies the character of those involved rather than reveals it.

Regurgitaing pain is sometimes the lifeblood of a therapist. Not always, but sometimes. Trust your gut. You will know if you have been a Bridezilla. And if that former BM was a good friend, she would have brought that to your attention long ago.

I will go to Maui.

p.s. I hope that made you smile. Please SMILE!!!

Thanks for the hugs...and yes, you did make me smile! I agree about strangling the therapist, but actually, I was near to strangling Rusty, so I'm not sure this is our best avenue, but I am determined to stick it out for at least the 5 sessions we are signed up for...I don't have to like it, but I'm no quitter!

And sadly, we were discussing some issues between Rusty & I from when we were together years ago, and it got ugly, which led up to him not minding his brother not showing up to the wedding. My bridezilla status never came up outside of that, and she probably thinks I'm nutso! Oh well, I don't like her much either!

Thanks for the chuckles...I needed that, and hey, I've got two extra seats in Maui now, so come on over! (Will you keep my mom away from me???)

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I'm sorry your friend is being a flake. There really is no other way to put it since she has known for two weeks that she wasn't coming. That was terribly rude of her. However, I think that all the stress is starting to cloud your judgement because you might need a reality check on your finace's brother. Your world may revolve around you getting married, but everyone else's world revolves around the sun.

Well, that was today...yesterday we went to lunch with Rusty's parents, and they mentioned that his brother (one of our groomsmen) is FINALLY looking for a new job with benefits and may not be able to make it for the wedding if he gets a new job. Rusty was like, oh, that's fine. WHAT??? No, it is NOT okay already! He's part of this freakin' family and it's high time he acted like it!

Would you really expect someone to NOT look for a job based around a trip to Hawaii that is months away? Surely you understand that his own welfare and security and future should come before taking a trip to Maui, even if it is a very special trip. I'm sure he'd be more upset to be missing the big day and an awesome trip than you would be, so it's probably not a decision he will make unless he has to. Yes, it would be unfortunate to not have him there, but if it does not upset your fiance then it should not be added to your stress list either. You would have spent the money anyway, so just let it go and focus on what does matter - you are marrying the man you love!

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Also, if you are going to short one bridesmaid, then why bother having the cousin step in for the FBIL? The numbers would match up again, and no one has to stress about last minute wardrobe and expenses.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/29/2008 9:39:42 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
I''m sorry your friend is being a flake. There really is no other way to put it since she has known for two weeks that she wasn''t coming. That was terribly rude of her. However, I think that all the stress is starting to cloud your judgement because you might need a reality check on your finace''s brother. Your world may revolve around you getting married, but everyone else''s world revolves around the sun

Well, that was today...yesterday we went to lunch with Rusty''s parents, and they mentioned that his brother (one of our groomsmen) is FINALLY looking for a new job with benefits and may not be able to make it for the wedding if he gets a new job. Rusty was like, oh, that''s fine. WHAT??? No, it is NOT okay already! He''s part of this freakin'' family and it''s high time he acted like it!

Would you really expect someone to NOT look for a job based around a trip to Hawaii that is months away? Surely you understand that his own welfare and security and future should come before taking a trip to Maui, even if it is a very special trip. I''m sure he''d be more upset to be missing the big day and an awesome trip than you would be, so it''s probably not a decision he will make unless he has to. Yes, it would be unfortunate to not have him there, but if it does not upset your fiance then it should not be added to your stress list either. You would have spent the money anyway, so just let it go and focus on what does matter - you are marrying the man you love!

Wow, everyone else''s world revolves around the sun? No kidding! Hmm...nowhere in this planning have I ever tried to make it as though everyone else''s world should revolve around my wedding, and for clarification, I have in no way made this wedding all about revolving around only me, as I think many of the PS''ers here would attest to. In fact, all of my friends AND vendors in Maui are frustrated with me that I haven''t been more adamant about how things should be and think my easygoing approach just isn''t normal when it has to do with my own wedding. I have tried to do whatever I can to make this the easiest process possible for myself and those who choose to partake in the adventure, almost to the point that my friends feel useless because I just don''t want to burden them with things to worry about or do as they have their own lives to consider and focus on. My motto from the get-go has been that if they can get there and have a place to stay, we''ll take care of the rest, and hey, thanks for standing up for us, but we hope you can have a great vacation, too. So, yes, you''re right in the fact that it''s not all about me, but I haven''t tried to make it that way. I just want everyone to have fun and enjoy themselves.

And if you''ve read any of my other posts, you might know that, but I see you are extremely new here, so I''ll give you a little background. My FBIL is 39 years old and never chooses to be a part of the famiily...in fact, we haven''t seen him since Christmas, even though he still lives at home with Rusty''s parents and we go down to visit all of the time. We take him gifts for his birthday and he manages to be gone and so we just leave them for him and never hear a word of thanks or even acknowledgment...this is how he''s always been, and we''re used to it after all of these years. I am thrilled, however, by the fact that he now wants to actually get off his lazy ass (he often can''t hold down a job, gets pissed off and quits or *somehow* manages to get fired) and would like to find a better job, but to be honest with you, I think he''s just looking for an excuse to get out of going, which is fine if that''s how he really feels, but he is the one who made the choice to go without any pressure from us, and his parents and Rusty and I are paying his way to get there as well as for his entertainment, food, accommodations, etc..., while we''re there. I also had to special order all of the guys'' pants because his brother is so big, so to get all matching ones, I had to get them all through special order, which I had to do 3 times because he didn''t like the way the first two pairs fit, which costs more than any off-the-rack pant I''ve ever seen, but, because we were so excited he was willing to come and stand up for us that I happily special ordered more and didn''t care about the costs. So, if the attire goes to waste, along with the other stuff we have already bought for him, yes, that will irritate me as we are certainly not made of money, and I''m sorry, but I don''t think that''s an irrational annoyance at this late date.


My wedding is only 7 weeks away, not months and months, and he''s had almost a year to get used to the idea, and he also was given every out if he didn''t want to go and/or be a part of the wedding. He said he did, so we all made sure that could/would happen. And if I were to decide to look for a job when I knew I was part of a wedding party for my brother with less than two months to go, I would of course ask any employer in advance if it would be a problem to be gone for 4 days, which is how long he would be staying, Sunday-Wednesday, so he would technically only miss 3 days of work.

So, I have to say that I will have to respectfully disagree with you on this one, and you can think I''m being a bridezilla, and that is fine. I feel we gave everyone ample notice, as well as no guilt or pressure to attend throughout the year. We have been very up-front about the costs involved and our understanding that it may be too much for some. We have also been asking our guests and bridal party if with the airline closures the travel costs were getting too high for them to still make the trip (which we tried to help alleviate that pressure by gifting each of them $400 to help with the increased costs) and that we understood if they could no longer make it, and they all still said they were coming, including my former bridesmaid and his brother.

Also, my numbers were already odd, which didn''t bother me a bit...with a bridesmaid bowing out, we were even. If his brother bows out, we are back to odd, which would still be fine. It has more to do with him being a part of our family than anything that bothers me, and he never wants to be. So, no, I don''t feel the world revolves around me and I never have, but I do feel I have the right to be annoyed that he has just decided to do this now after years of NOT doing anything about getting a steady job and/or keeping one.

Thanks for the advice, but I have to say that I don''t think my judgment is clouded all that much, and I feel I''ve been pretty damn reasonable through all of the problems that keep arising throughout the planning of this wedding.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

haha, I stand corrected! Your FBIL sounds like a major flake too! I would be upset also if I had spent so much time, effort and money making his way to Maui super smooth. However, i wasn't calling you a bridezilla, and I didn't even get that impression, so I am sorry if you felt I was implying that. I could tell from your post that you were trying to make it clear to people that you didn't expect them to make it but would be happy if they could. You just expect some common courtesy with the timliness of a response so that you can plan accordingly! I do think that things happen, and if his intentions are good and he just can't make it, then you shouldn't be mad at him, but... it sounds like he's just being a flake (not with good intentions) and that's not cool.

My advice still stands: don't let these flaky people come between you and what is most important - your beautiful Maui wedding to the guy you love. If these things are stressing you out and causing problems between you and your fiance, then try to LET THEM GO. Plus, don't waste the stress on something that might not even happen since you don't know for sure if he's coming or not.

 

[neatfreak]

Harleigh, you have been nothing but a conscientious bride through the whole process (which I have watched a lot of here!). Don''t let anyone tell you otherwise. Enjoy your day and know that you aren''t alone...these crappy things happen.

 

[surfgirl]

Look, you dont really want someone who thinks so little of your friendship, standing next to you when you get married, do you? Of course not. I''d just try to move on from it. She''s not a good friend - at least not anymore - if she''d do this to you now so I dont see it as a ''loss'' because who''d want someone like that at their wedding? I wouldn''t! As for the possible FBIL not being able to be there, I think your FI should ask his bro whether or not he''s going to be there 100% or not. If he cant commit, he''s out. If he can, great. Who needs that stress? It''s inconsiderate as hell on both their parts.

As for the money and the dress...Did she cash the check yet? If not, I''d call your bank ASAP and put a stop on that check and void it out. That way it doesn''t matter if she tries to cash it or loses it or just doesn''t return it. I would make it clear that she needs to have the dress back to you within the week. Anything less is beyond rude.

Dont even think about these people, really. Just focus on your wedding and how lovely the day will be!

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/29/2008 11:44:10 AM
Author: Guilty Pleasure
haha, I stand corrected! Your FBIL sounds like a major flake too! I would be upset also if I had spent so much time, effort and money making his way to Maui super smooth. However, i wasn''t calling you a bridezilla, and I didn''t even get that impression, so I am sorry if you felt I was implying that. I could tell from your post that you were trying to make it clear to people that you didn''t expect them to make it but would be happy if they could. You just expect some common courtesy with the timliness of a response so that you can plan accordingly! I do think that things happen, and if his intentions are good and he just can''t make it, then you shouldn''t be mad at him, but... it sounds like he''s just being a flake (not with good intentions) and that''s not cool.

My advice still stands: don''t let these flaky people come between you and what is most important - your beautiful Maui wedding to the guy you love. If these things are stressing you out and causing problems between you and your fiance, then try to LET THEM GO. Plus, don''t waste the stress on something that might not even happen since you don''t know for sure if he''s coming or not.

Hi,

I''m sorry if I overreacted to your earlier posts...I am feeling super sensitive to this situation as I have been in 11 weddings where nearly every bride has been intolerable and I''ve hated to be a part of some of those weddings, so with that in mind, I have been super-conscious of being as low-maintenance kind of bride as possible about everything.

I apologize, and thanks for your other post. I am really trying hard not to stress about any of this as I need to focus on my end-of-year stuff with my class for the next 2 1/2 weeks. I appreciate your trying to keep it in perspective. I''m usually not so sensitive, but so much is going wrong that I can''t seem to help it these days, and I''m not even PMS''ing! I guess I just need to chalk this up to another one of those character-building experiences, I suppose.

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/29/2008 11:50:01 AM
Author: neatfreak
Harleigh, you have been nothing but a conscientious bride through the whole process (which I have watched a lot of here!). Don''t let anyone tell you otherwise. Enjoy your day and know that you aren''t alone...these crappy things happen.

Thanks again, neatfreak...I am trying really hard to keep things in perspective and just focus on the excitement of the day with whoever decides to show up!

Does it freak you out that some of our things are so similar??? I think I''m wearing your dress...if it EVER gets here, that is!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/29/2008 5:17:20 PM
Author: Harleigh

Date: 5/29/2008 11:50:01 AM

Author: neatfreak

Harleigh, you have been nothing but a conscientious bride through the whole process (which I have watched a lot of here!). Don''t let anyone tell you otherwise. Enjoy your day and know that you aren''t alone...these crappy things happen.

Thanks again, neatfreak...I am trying really hard to keep things in perspective and just focus on the excitement of the day with whoever decides to show up!


Does it freak you out that some of our things are so similar??? I think I''m wearing your dress...if it EVER gets here, that is!

You ARE?! It''s a great dress. How fun! I can''t wait to see your pictures. Just means you have good taste.

 

[Harleigh]

Yep...remember I said I might need to borrow yours if mine didn''t come in???

If this is too personal, please let me know, but I am worried about mine coming in too late to get much done in the way of alterations.

I am also a 32DD, but my waist measures at a size 2, my hips a 0, and the chest measurement technically came out to be a size 6, so I ordered a size 4. Do you mind sharing how you felt the sizing was on your dress and how much in alterations was needed?

I also ordered it in my specifiic hollow-to-hem and have 4 pairs of shoes on stand-by at varied heights, but I''m jonesing for a pair of fuchsia ones to match my bridesmaid dresses! I was hoping I would only have to take up the straps a bit (I have really short shoulders, it seems!) but I am concerned with their new shipping date I won''t have much time to get anything else done.

Any help or advice would be much appreciated! Thank you, neatfreak!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/29/2008 6:09:00 PM
Author: Harleigh
Yep...remember I said I might need to borrow yours if mine didn''t come in???


If this is too personal, please let me know, but I am worried about mine coming in too late to get much done in the way of alterations.


I am also a 32DD, but my waist measures at a size 2, my hips a 0, and the chest measurement technically came out to be a size 6, so I ordered a size 4. Do you mind sharing how you felt the sizing was on your dress and how much in alterations was needed?


I also ordered it in my specifiic hollow-to-hem and have 4 pairs of shoes on stand-by at varied heights, but I''m jonesing for a pair of fuchsia ones to match my bridesmaid dresses! I was hoping I would only have to take up the straps a bit (I have really short shoulders, it seems!) but I am concerned with their new shipping date I won''t have much time to get anything else done.


Any help or advice would be much appreciated! Thank you, neatfreak!

Not personal at all, no problem! Mine was a size 8, but I am normally a 2-4. I think we could have gone a 6, but we wanted to make sure we had enough room in the chest. They ordered the 8 due to my chest, but they did end up having to take it in a bit there, but really not that much as I wanted to be covered up. They had to take it in at the hips and waist, but it was pretty simple and quick. The biggest ordeal was the straps, those had to be taken up like 3 different times to get it right, those straps are LONG!

And you can certainly borrow mine if you need to, but it might be a bit big! I got mine well before it was promised, so hopefully they are always that quick!

 

[Harleigh]

Thanks so much for the info, neatfreak! Gosh, I hope it fits! I am a bit worried about coverage as well, but I do plan to be armed with plenty of Hollywood Tape to help keep things in order.

I remembered that your rush job only cost $60...they told me it would be to me by the second or third week of June, so I declined paying the $190 rush fee they wanted to charge me. Wish I had paid it now, because I called last week to check on the status of the dress, and they are now saying the dress won''t even be shipped TO THEM until the second or third week in June! I was like, "You do know I leave for my wedding on July 17th, right???" They kept telling me not to worry, but I have to admit I''m a bit freaked out that it won''t get here in time. Not quite sure what I''ll do if it doesn''t, but I''ll cross that bridge when I come to it, I suppose.

Thank you for all your help!

 

[diane5006]

Hi sorry to hear you are having attendant problems...

Things will get better

Oddly enough it sounds as though you might be better off without them at some level...still no excuse for the way they treated you...

If the Bridesmaid-zilla hasn''t cashed the check yet..put a stop payment on it...at least then you won''t be out everything

Best of luck and enjoy your wedding

 

[Harleigh]

Date: 5/29/2008 10:48:05 PM
Author: diane5006
Hi sorry to hear you are having attendant problems...

Things will get better

Oddly enough it sounds as though you might be better off without them at some level...still no excuse for the way they treated you...

If the Bridesmaid-zilla hasn''t cashed the check yet..put a stop payment on it...at least then you won''t be out everything

Best of luck and enjoy your wedding

Hi diane! Ha ha ha...I love your new term Bridesmaid-zilla! Thanks so much for the chuckle!

I am just going to take each day as it comes and go from there! Thank you for your thoughts!