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Bride gives Estimate of Expenses to Wedding Party

smitcompton

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Hi,

This was posted on Tic Toc yesterday. A to be bride wanted her wedding party to be aware of all the expenses they would incur . She sent her wedding party a list with an amount next to the item. Dress 300.00, shoes 60.00, shower 100.00 , Las Vegas bachelorette party 300.00 , hairdresser 100.00. etc.

The Bride to be said she wanted members of the bridal party to be able to say no to being in the wedding before the festivities got started. Would you ever send an Estimate of Expenses?

EDit (I forot some of her amounts , so I just put numbers in, but she did have a Vegas Trip included.

Do you think this is a good idea?

Annette
 

bludiva

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i really hate this whole expectation that the people spend thousands of dollars to be in a wedding, period. the only thing that's reasonable to expect of a bridesmaid imho is to buy a dress (and the bride should keep this relatively affordable) and travel/accommodations for the wedding if needed.
 
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Jambalaya

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I think it's a good idea for the bride to be upfront like this, but I don't agree with people having to pay all this money to be in the wedding.

My bridesmaids incurred no expenses. I got married in my hometown and I bought the dresses. The bachelorette party was a simple dinner at an Italian, and they didn't have to pay for that, either. I wouldn't have dreamed of their attendance costing them anything.

I think asking people to pay many many hundreds to be in a wedding is insane, especially when they so often happen early in life, when money is often short. Weddings are out of control.

If I didn't have a lot of money to get married, I would have a church ceremony (as I'm a Christian) followed by a home-made buffet at the church hall. I'd wear an inexpensive white dress, and the wedding party could wear whatever party clothes they already had. Photos would be the ones taken by guests.

I think a wedding like that would be perfectly nice. It's about the couple, their love, and their loved ones. It's nice if you can have a big wedding with all the trimmings and easily afford it, and not put your guests out, but it's not necessary AT ALL.
 

DejaWiz

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My stance: I think it's a rather good idea to set an expectation that being a member of a wedding party can (and will) incur expenses...giving each of them an up-front estimate and the choice to opt-out is being rather thoughtful. $600+ expenses for a couple/few days of being a member of someone's wedding party is a lot of money to most folks.
People have differing financial situations from one another.
 

Austina

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It wasn’t a ‘thing’ when I got married, if you were asked to be a bridesmaid, you, as the bride, paid for their dresses and shoes. Other than that, you didn’t dictate that they were expected to be a certain size, or wear their hair a certain way, or what makeup they could wear. As for Hen do’s, (bachelorette party), it was low key and didn’t involve travelling to a destination to get drunk for 3 days :lol:

We’ve seen with friend’s children, the growing trend to involve people in more and more expense if they wanted to be included in the wedding. For some people, it’s just not feasible to pay to go to destination weddings, take time off work, find someone to look after their children, buy clothes because the wedding has a theme etc.

We had an extremely low key wedding, didn’t have a wedding list, told people they were invited because we wanted them to share the occasion, not for the gifts.
 

bludiva

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I think it's a good idea for the bride to be upfront like this, but I don't agree with people having to pay all this money to be in the wedding.

My bridesmaids incurred no expenses. I got married in my hometown and I bought the dresses. The bachelorette party was a simple dinner at an Italian, and they didn't have to pay for that, either. I wouldn't have dreamed of their attendance costing them anything.

I think asking people to pay many many hundreds to be in a wedding is insane, especially when they so often happen early in life, when money is often short. Weddings are out of control.

If I didn't have a lot of money to get married, I would have a church ceremony (as I'm a Christian) followed by a home-made buffet at the church hall. I'd wear an inexpensive white dress, and the wedding party could wear whatever party clothes they already had. Photos would be the ones taken by guests.

I think a wedding like that would be perfectly nice. It's about the couple, their love, and their loved ones. It's nice if you can have a big wedding with all the trimmings and easily afford it, and not put your guests out, but it's not necessary AT ALL.

good on you - i think the classy thing to do is buy the dresses...my folks did this for my sister's bridesmaids. i didn't have bridesmaids but i'd like to think i would have done so too =D yesss weddings don't have to be crazy spending extravaganzas!
 

AllAboardTheBlingTrain

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I agree that if you expect your bridesmaids to incur certain costs you should tell them upfront, but I also feel like you shouldn’t be expecting people to pay to be a part of your wedding. When I get married, I expect to follow in the footsteps of most of my social circle (who either had “bridesmaids” in name only - basically denoted their best friends to be bridesmaids for pics etc but no need to wear the same/matching outfits; as Indian weddings don’t have bridesmaids traditionally; or no bridesmaids at all). The only people I know who had bridesmaids wear the same clothes also bought the clothes for the bridesmaids. Also no one mandates professional hair/makeup for bridesmaids.

For me, the only expenses I would expect them to bear would be travel/ maybe accommodation if my wedding is out of town fir them (as my friends live all over the world) and maybe chip in towards my bachelorette trip (though I’d still like to pay the lion’s share, but maybe have them fund their own travel costs / all of us split accommodation costs).
 

Tartansparkles

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I think it's good to be upfront, although a list of itemised costs is always going to make for uncomfortable reading. My niece was recently 'dropped' from being a bridesmaid because she wouldn't travel for the hen party (flights from UK to Ireland, spending money, plus time off work, plus DH time off work so he could babysit). I know of another bride who organised her main hen 'night' as a three-day themed event including fancy dress and paid-for activities. She then had a second night locally, for the folks who couldn't make (aka afford) the main event. But the ladies who participated in the main themed event were also expected to participate in the lower key event too. I feel for younger couples, it seems like the celebration of someone else's day is getting very expensive. (And I get the sentiment that if I come to your hen night then you must come to mine - but if you are with a group of friends and two or thee are getting married around the same time, it could be financially crippling.) Maybe COVID will put a dampener on these events and people will just be glad to be able to get married at all. (We're still under restrictions as to the number of people who can attend a wedding).
 

TooPatient

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It never occurred to me that being a bridesmaid would be $$$$$. Looking back, I am glad to have never been one as it would have been a serious financial hardship at the point people I knew were getting married. I would have accepted the honor if it was offered and been unable to pay those expenses and would likely have gone to a lot of trouble to try to make it work. If a person is going to expect their bridesmaids (or groomsmen) to pay for anything beyond a (moderate price) dress (or tux rental), being upfront about those expenses seems to be a reasonable thing to do. It gives people a way to decline politely if they can't make it work and might lead the couple to reconsider their priorities. Of the people they really want included in their day can't due to cost, they can cover more costs themselves or decide that the matching makeup/hair/nails/whatever is less important than the people there with them. Or not. But at least everyone can know what to expect going in rather than drama and upset down the line.
 

Jambalaya

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Oh, man, I'll never forget when I was in my mid-twenties and my living expenses gobbled up about 80% of my salary. I got this sudden demand in the mail for money. It was telling me that the bachelorette weekend was happening at this time, this place, this hotel, this restaurant, and to put a check in the mail for X amount. I had had no forewarning at all, and the amount was way too much for me. I might have been able to swing it, but it would have been hard, and it just wasn't worth it to me. Plus I was a little annoyed at the sudden demand for money. There didn't seem to be any leeway. It was like, "Group rate so you have to stay here. Cough up." And the crazy thing was, I already lived in the huge city where the weekend was taking place, but they wanted me to pay extra to stay in the hotel so they could keep their group rate, instead of me staying in my apt!!!

Needless to say, I didn't attend. Pretended I was out of town. I'd have attended the meal if the organizers hadn't been so insistent that I needed to pay the whole package to have a weekend "away" in the city where I already lived and paid rent, LOL!

It's a pity that people get so inflexible about wedding stuff, because I missed out on a meal celebrating the nuptials with friends. One of the organizers is a known controlling type though, so...

Anyway, I attended the wedding, and that's the main thing.

Actually, it was the wedding where they're now divorced because - supposedly - of her weight, and the groom now has pancreatic cancer. Very sad all round. Their wedding was a happy day.
 

dk168

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I do not have an objection to provide a rough idea of expenses that may be incurred for an event, such as a holiday, a hen/stag party, significant birthday party, wedding etc...

It is then down to the invitee to decide whether to accept the invitation or not.

IMHO, I would prefer to plan a big and costly event well in advance, so that the invitees could save up for it.

Typically, I would fork out for the flights and then accommodation to get the best price as soon as I could to spread the cost.

DK :))
 

123ducklings

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Yes, if that level of expense (and time) is expected I’d want the person to be up front about it. My bridesmaids threw me a lovely shower that I’m sure they spent money on, but it was at a family members’ home and was relatively casual. To me that’s completely reasonable and when asked to be a bridesmaid I’d assume that I’d similarly buy my own clothing and help throw a backyard/casual but nice party. A few years later my husband was in a wedding and the expectations just kept ballooning — a long and lavish weekend in Vegas (which required a plane flight), specific clothing demands for a variety of events, a week of wedding activities and events that all cost money and also required us to take a week off work and travel to the wedding location, which was not local for anyone in the wedding party. Marriage lasted six months. Complete absurdity.
 

smitcompton

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Hi,

It seems to me that our Bride to be is being considerate on the surface. But isn't she really saying, "This is how I want my wedding to go. If you can't afford it, I don't want you in the Wedding party. I think if a bride offers to pay for one of the party, perhaps she should pay for all .l(with the exception of a junior bridesmaid.)

I actually have heard a bride to be say she didn't want a person in her wedding party because she wasn't pretty enough.

I guess I don't think it is necessary to send an itemized expense list. This can be discussed on the phone or in person. It is a good idea to let people know apprx cost, particularly if they have not been a bridesmaid before.

Annette
 

Mekp

Shiny_Rock
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Oct 15, 2016
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I think she I doing it backwards. Rather than decide this is what her bridesmaids must spend on her and find people who can accommodate her demands, she should decide who she wants to be her bridal party, ask them what each person's budget is, and alter her expectations to accommodate their budget.
Also, asking for others to pay for you to take a trip is gross.
I wish old fashioned bridal etiquette was still adhered to. It's pretty crazy some of the things brides and grooms think is acceptable these days. (I recognize how old that makes me sound!)
 

Rhea

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This is nothing new as far as expected expenses. A friend who got married about 17 years ago had these expectations. A couple of my sister's friends, married about 11 or 12 years I think, also had these expectations.

It's such a normalised thought that it's a special, once in a lifetime day and these expenses are expected and normal. If this is what a couple wants, I'd want to know ahead of time. My sister backed out of a wedding as the expenses spiralled and it caused problems in an otherwise good friendship where the bride and groom just got caught up in "their day" which is very easy to do. If friends know ahead of time they can decline being in the wedding party or discuss it with the couple before it's payment time and those expectations have been raised. A lot of people in wedding parties are young or inexperienced and may not realise how much all those pretty details and parties actually cost.

It's a not great that there is pressure and expectations around being in a wedding party, but if there I know I'd rather know ahead of time.
 

Daisys and Diamonds

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Makes me glad ive never been a bridesmaid
ive never heard of anyone having these huge prewedding things we see on tv
It seems out of control and so OTT

fun and games if everyone can afford it but unfair on the freind who earns less money
 

nala

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I lost a good friend bc she asked me to be a co- maid of honor, along with her sister. She expected me to pay for her catered bridal shower. I told her at the time that I couldn’t afford that bc I was going thru a divorce. She shrugged it off and told me not to worry. I didn’t make it to the shower tho bc when we went shopping for my bridesmaid dress, she kept criticizing my body and saying my boobs were too big to fit the style of dress that she wanted me to wear. So I bowed out to make it easier on her. She never forgave me. I did get invited to the wedding and attended, but she was not very friendly. My DD was supposed to be her flower girl but she rescinded her invitation to be one. I still don’t know what I did wrong bc I approached the issue with honesty. I recall that she called me selfish.
 

kenny

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I lost a good friend bc she asked me to be a co- maid of honor, along with her sister. She expected me to pay for her catered bridal shower. I told her at the time that I couldn’t afford that bc I was going thru a divorce. She shrugged it off and told me not to worry. I didn’t make it to the shower tho bc when we went shopping for my bridesmaid dress, she kept criticizing my body and saying my boobs were too big to fit the style of dress that she wanted me to wear. So I bowed out to make it easier on her. She never forgave me. I did get invited to the wedding and attended, but she was not very friendly. My DD was supposed to be her flower girl but she rescinded her invitation to be one. I still don’t know what I did wrong bc I approached the issue with honesty. I recall that she called me selfish.

Dump her.
 

Daisys and Diamonds

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I lost a good friend bc she asked me to be a co- maid of honor, along with her sister. She expected me to pay for her catered bridal shower. I told her at the time that I couldn’t afford that bc I was going thru a divorce. She shrugged it off and told me not to worry. I didn’t make it to the shower tho bc when we went shopping for my bridesmaid dress, she kept criticizing my body and saying my boobs were too big to fit the style of dress that she wanted me to wear. So I bowed out to make it easier on her. She never forgave me. I did get invited to the wedding and attended, but she was not very friendly. My DD was supposed to be her flower girl but she rescinded her invitation to be one. I still don’t know what I did wrong bc I approached the issue with honesty. I recall that she called me selfish.

Oh my goodnesss that's so sad
i also feel sorry for your wee daughter if she was looking forward to being a flower girl
How dear a freind tell another freind their boobs are too big

i remember when bridal showers were small afternoon gatherings by an older females relatives
Perhaps a glass of bubbles but no way the OTT gift grab of today

How thoughtless of your freind especially when you were going through a divorce and you told her money was an issue

there are much nicer freinds out there so its totally her loss
 

dk168

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I have yet to attend a so-called bridal shower; hen nights, yes.

I ignore wedding lists and prefer to give my default gift of a sterling silver photo frame, the size various according to how well I know one or both of the happy couple.

I just spec'ed on for a friend, and he and his soon-to-be wife will receive it regardless of whether I am invited to any part of their wedding or not.

DK :))
 

Made in London

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It wasn’t a ‘thing’ when I got married, if you were asked to be a bridesmaid, you, as the bride, paid for their dresses and shoes. Other than that, you didn’t dictate that they were expected to be a certain size, or wear their hair a certain way, or what makeup they could wear. As for Hen do’s, (bachelorette party), it was low key and didn’t involve travelling to a destination to get drunk for 3 days :lol:

We’ve seen with friend’s children, the growing trend to involve people in more and more expense if they wanted to be included in the wedding. For some people, it’s just not feasible to pay to go to destination weddings, take time off work, find someone to look after their children, buy clothes because the wedding has a theme etc.

We had an extremely low key wedding, didn’t have a wedding list, told people they were invited because we wanted them to share the occasion, not for the gifts.

We were married 51 years ago (UK) & our wedding invitations were sent to friends & family with NO expectation of any money or gifts from them. We just wanted them to celebrate our special day with us.
 

autumngems

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My daughter is starting to plan her wedding. Venues are outrageous, she originally just wanted a beach wedding but weather is so unsure especially here in coastal NC. She is keeping it small, maid of honor and probably only 2 bridesmaids. Both sides have large families so it will be probably 75 people and that is modest since COVID most people still aren't traveling. But a venue cost and then they want 175-200 a person for meals in addition. She is my only child but I don't want to spend that much on a wedding, would prefer something fairly simple and then give them money for honeymoon or towards savings.
 

Elizabeth35

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I think the more polite option would be for the bride to temper her expectations to her friends budgets. You don’t “have” to have a a bachelorette retreat trip, matching dresses, or professional hair and make up. If you want those things, you should offer to pay for them.
A real friend does not expect her friends to spend more than they can comfortably afford.
A friends daughter was told she was expected to do a 5 day trip to a cancun all inclusive. There were specific matching outfits specified for each day (for Instagram). Including a $130 custom bathing suit that said “Bride Squad”. Friends daughter told them she could attend for 3 days and was not buying specific clothes for photos. Good for her.
 

bludiva

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Telling people what to wear except for the wedding party on the day of the wedding is so odd to me (and even then, the couple should be considerate). A friend attended a destination wedding where all the guests were told what colors to wear each day. My friend has a way bigger heart than I do b/c I would have noped my way out of attending with zero remorse.
 

AllAboardTheBlingTrain

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Telling people what to wear except for the wedding party on the day of the wedding is so odd to me (and even then, the couple should be considerate). A friend attended a destination wedding where all the guests were told what colors to wear each day. My friend has a way bigger heart than I do b/c I would have noped my way out of attending with zero remorse.

I think requesting a certain colour is okay as long as you don’t go up in arms if someone doesn’t follow. I’ve attended a few weddings where some of the events had colour based dress codes (eg mehendi functions where all the guests were requested to wear green and yellow and then the bride wore orange. Or “holi themed” mehendis where you’re asked for come wearing pure white and then you get colour and flowers put on you. Makes for pretty pictures). But usually dictating colour in the weddings I’ve been invited to is reserved for the functions where you don’t need to spend a lot of money on the outfit, the function is pretty casual; or if you don’t stick to the theme no one minds.
 

bludiva

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I think requesting a certain colour is okay as long as you don’t go up in arms if someone doesn’t follow. I’ve attended a few weddings where some of the events had colour based dress codes (eg mehendi functions where all the guests were requested to wear green and yellow and then the bride wore orange. Or “holi themed” mehendis where you’re asked for come wearing pure white and then you get colour and flowers put on you. Makes for pretty pictures). But usually dictating colour in the weddings I’ve been invited to is reserved for the functions where you don’t need to spend a lot of money on the outfit, the function is pretty casual; or if you don’t stick to the theme no one minds.

That makes sense. In this case the guests got a “palette” to follow, I think the reason was so the pictures would look more curated. And it was a multi day wedding in Italy (neither the bride or groom were Italian) so my friend bought multiple new outfits, it seemed over the top to me. \_(ツ)_/¯
 
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