Bridal Shower Etiquette Question

[chemgirl]

If you are invited to a shower, but do not attend, are you expected to send a gift? I know this is the case with weddings, but is it also at showers?

Also, while I've got your attention, wedding gift cost...I gift what I'm comfortable with financially, but I usually try to gift higher if I know the price per guest of the wedding is high. I'll try to at least match it. I think that's what people generally do? I'm invited to a wedding (same couple as the shower) and she confided in me that the cost per guest is close to $300. I will be attending with my husband, so by my normal rule I'd be buying a $600 gift. I really would rather not, is it ok to just default to a lower amount? What if the bride and groom have registered for very expensive items (ie dyson vaccuum, led tv's etc.)?

 

[slg47]

I don't think you have to send a gift to the shower if you don't attend. Also, with the wedding, by no means are you expected to spend as much as you think they are spending on you! I would spend what you feel comfortable spending.

 

[sillyberry]

I don't think you have to send a gift to the shower if you don't attend. Also, with the wedding, by no means are you expected to spend as much as you think they are spending on you! I would spend what you feel comfortable spending.

100% ditto!!!

 

[chemgirl]

Thanks for the great advice girls, and telling me exactly what I wanted to hear, lol.

 

[chemgirl]

Also, is it rude to gift something that doesn't appear on the registry? There are a few items in the 200's on it, but they are just single pieces of crystal. I think I'd feel weird giving one wine glass as a wedding present. Everything else is in the 500+ range.

 

[vc10um]

It's not rude at all. In fact, I think it's rude to list only $200+ items on your registry!!! (Unless, of course, you are a Hollywood star and ALL your guests are Hollywood stars!)

A registry is merely a guide set out by the bride and groom for those guests who don't know their style or what they need to begin their lives together.

As a second thought, however, is there another couple or two you can "go in" with to get them one of the higher-priced items?

 

[chemgirl]

Thanks Vc10um, going in with another couple is a great idea.

She honnestly doesn't realize that she's being rude to list only high priced gifts. Her family is very very well off and she has no concept of money. Last night she came over with the idea of us building in the same subdivision. Houses in that subdivision cost well over a million dollars. I explained that in the current market we wouldn't be able to sell our condo without taking a loss, so moving is out of the question for now. I also said that I really didn't see us ever being in a financial position to buy in that neighbourhood. She says her new house is "average" and that she never realized we were "poor"...Not in a snobby way, but a totally sympathetic and sad for us way. DH and I actually both work in the same field as her FI, and are comfortable. She is really that clueless.

She did ask if I thought registering for a mink fur blanket was a bit much...

 

[vc10um]

Thanks Vc10um, going in with another couple is a great idea.

She honnestly doesn't realize that she's being rude to list only high priced gifts. Her family is very very well off and she has no concept of money. Last night she came over with the idea of us building in the same subdivision. Houses in that subdivision cost well over a million dollars. I explained that in the current market we wouldn't be able to sell our condo without taking a loss, so moving is out of the question for now. I also said that I really didn't see us ever being in a financial position to buy in that neighbourhood. She says her new house is "average" and that she never realized we were "poor"...Not in a snobby way, but a totally sympathetic and sad for us way. DH and I actually both work in the same field as her FI, and are comfortable. She is really that clueless.

She did ask if I thought registering for a mink fur blanket was a bit much...

That just made me snort with laughter. It's a good thing my officemate isn't here yet, chemgirl!

She does sound completely clueless, which redeems her some in the grand scheme of things...especially since I'm sure most of her friends are use to it by now, and most of her parent's friends won't bat an eyelash at the cost of the items. But I still say don't spend more than you're comfortable with. If you can't find another couple to go in with you, I'd perhaps see if there's a "stand-alone" crystal item that you could gift...like some sort of serving bowl, or sugar and creamer set, or a decanter...that won't be part of a "set" later on.

 

[lucyandroger]

Thanks Vc10um, going in with another couple is a great idea.

She honnestly doesn't realize that she's being rude to list only high priced gifts. Her family is very very well off and she has no concept of money. Last night she came over with the idea of us building in the same subdivision. Houses in that subdivision cost well over a million dollars. I explained that in the current market we wouldn't be able to sell our condo without taking a loss, so moving is out of the question for now. I also said that I really didn't see us ever being in a financial position to buy in that neighbourhood. She says her new house is "average" and that she never realized we were "poor"...Not in a snobby way, but a totally sympathetic and sad for us way. DH and I actually both work in the same field as her FI, and are comfortable. She is really that clueless.

She did ask if I thought registering for a mink fur blanket was a bit much...

Well now that she knows you're "poor," I would feel free to gift what you can afford and not give it another thought!

 

[chemgirl]

Thanks Vc10um, going in with another couple is a great idea.

She honnestly doesn't realize that she's being rude to list only high priced gifts. Her family is very very well off and she has no concept of money. Last night she came over with the idea of us building in the same subdivision. Houses in that subdivision cost well over a million dollars. I explained that in the current market we wouldn't be able to sell our condo without taking a loss, so moving is out of the question for now. I also said that I really didn't see us ever being in a financial position to buy in that neighbourhood. She says her new house is "average" and that she never realized we were "poor"...Not in a snobby way, but a totally sympathetic and sad for us way. DH and I actually both work in the same field as her FI, and are comfortable. She is really that clueless.

She did ask if I thought registering for a mink fur blanket was a bit much...

That just made me snort with laughter. It's a good thing my officemate isn't here yet, chemgirl!

She does sound completely clueless, which redeems her some in the grand scheme of things...especially since I'm sure most of her friends are use to it by now, and most of her parent's friends won't bat an eyelash at the cost of the items. But I still say don't spend more than you're comfortable with. If you can't find another couple to go in with you, I'd perhaps see if there's a "stand-alone" crystal item that you could gift...like some sort of serving bowl, or sugar and creamer set, or a decanter...that won't be part of a "set" later on.

She registered for Wedgewood China and Sworovski Crystal (both extra expensive in Canada). She wants 12 of the toasting flutes! I think I'll try and do something a bit more personalized, like a fancy silver frame inscribed with their names and wedding date, or maybe a membership at their favorite local winery.

I encouraged her to register for the blanket. I'm curious to see how that plays out

 

[vc10um]

Thanks Vc10um, going in with another couple is a great idea.

She honnestly doesn't realize that she's being rude to list only high priced gifts. Her family is very very well off and she has no concept of money. Last night she came over with the idea of us building in the same subdivision. Houses in that subdivision cost well over a million dollars. I explained that in the current market we wouldn't be able to sell our condo without taking a loss, so moving is out of the question for now. I also said that I really didn't see us ever being in a financial position to buy in that neighbourhood. She says her new house is "average" and that she never realized we were "poor"...Not in a snobby way, but a totally sympathetic and sad for us way. DH and I actually both work in the same field as her FI, and are comfortable. She is really that clueless.

She did ask if I thought registering for a mink fur blanket was a bit much...

That just made me snort with laughter. It's a good thing my officemate isn't here yet, chemgirl!

She does sound completely clueless, which redeems her some in the grand scheme of things...especially since I'm sure most of her friends are use to it by now, and most of her parent's friends won't bat an eyelash at the cost of the items. But I still say don't spend more than you're comfortable with. If you can't find another couple to go in with you, I'd perhaps see if there's a "stand-alone" crystal item that you could gift...like some sort of serving bowl, or sugar and creamer set, or a decanter...that won't be part of a "set" later on.

She registered for Wedgewood China and Sworovski Crystal (both extra expensive in Canada). She wants 12 of the toasting flutes! I think I'll try and do something a bit more personalized, like a fancy silver frame inscribed with their names and wedding date, or maybe a membership at their favorite local winery.

I encouraged her to register for the blanket. I'm curious to see how that plays out

My mother always gifts beautiful Lenox frames to the bride and groom when she attends weddings. I think they're classic and fit with most decors, so perhaps that's an option as well. You can find their selection here.

 

[mrscushion]

She sounds hilariously clueless. It's nice of you to take her "poor" comment in stride.

I have to say, I'm not a big fan of off-registry gifts. For instance, we got one of those classic personalized picture frames and, while beautiful, it doesn't actually fit that well with the rest of our style. I prefer the suggestion of teaming up with another couple or just buying one crystal item for the amount you are comfortable giving.

And no, I don't think you need to gift for a shower you are not attending.

 

[slg47]

or maybe you can go in with 15 other couples on the mink blanket?

 

[rosetta]

I'm having some very expensive items on my list, because in my culture the gift cones from a whole family which includes grown up children who earn their own income. So not unusual to to have gifts in the thousands.

However there will be much much cheaper items on the list too, and lots of them so people have a choice.

No matter how much you spend per head (ours is $600 ish) I think it's very rude to expect every one of your guests to buy luxury items when they can't afford it.

I'm not going to expect my struggling artist to spend as much as the multi-millionaire. But I certainly want all of them there.

To keep more options, we will include the option to donate to charity and monetary gifts as well (as long as I can keep it getting too complicated!)

 

[chemgirl]

I think the $300 price tag is just for the food and alcohol. I'm fairly sure the dancers and fire show are extra...Its going to be a pretty interesting event and I am honoured to be invited.

The registry is for the bridal showers and the wedding, so I guess I was just hoping that it would include some more moderately priced items. I can understand having some more expensive things on there, as we did for our wedding. I was hoping it would also have practical every day type things on it as well. Unfortunately she doesn't see these items as gift worthy. Like she registered for crystal and fine china, but no day to day plates and cups. She is registering for silver, but no regular flatware. I suggested she add a few things like coordinating towel sets, bathmats, and soap dispensers for the 7 bathrooms that the new house will have. She is asking for a lot of kitchen appliances, but no measuring cups, mixing bowels, knives etc. (ie the stuff you use in the kitchen every day).

She has always had a house staff so I think she just doesn't think of these things. Niether of them have lived alone before so I was surprised that they didn't want more of the basics.

We were shopping this afternoon and she saw some Tiffany candlesticks she liked. I offered to get them for her as a wedding gift. They are reasonably priced and super pretty so we're both happy!

For the record, I'm not against including expensive things on the registry, its more the fact that everything is very expensive.

 

[sillyberry]

Yeah, that's just incredibly poor judgment on the part of the bride and groom (he doesn't get absolved of responsibility!).

If you're a close friend (it sounds like you are, given that she told you the cost and you're out shopping with her) I would tell her point blank that she really needs to add some lower-priced gifts because not everyone can afford the crystal and the stand mixer. I mean, I'm assuming you're the not the only one of her friends in a similar financial boat.

 

[swingirl]

If you are invited to a shower, but do not attend, are you expected to send a gift? I know this is the case with weddings, but is it also at showers?

Also, while I've got your attention, wedding gift cost...I gift what I'm comfortable with financially, but I usually try to gift higher if I know the price per guest of the wedding is high. I'll try to at least match it. I think that's what people generally do? I'm invited to a wedding (same couple as the shower) and she confided in me that the cost per guest is close to $300. I will be attending with my husband, so by my normal rule I'd be buying a $600 gift. I really would rather not, is it ok to just default to a lower amount? What if the bride and groom have registered for very expensive items (ie dyson vaccuum, led tv's etc.)?

Holy cow!! If a $600 gift is in your budget and that's in the range of what your social group expects, go for it. But that is way over the top for me. If a couple chose to spend over $300 per guest I would guess they can well afford the cost and and are spending that kind of money on themselves to enjoy a fabulous evening. They are not expecting their guests to cover the costs of their fabulous evening.

Since I have adult children who get invited to family weddings if I was invited to your friend's wedding I'd have to cough up a $1200 gift?? Yikes, I'd stay home. In my social group we are more conservative with our gift giving.

 

[megumic]

If I am invited to a shower and I cannot attend, I always send a gift, usually costing about $20-40, depending on how close we are. I don't think it's required or necessary, I just think it's appropriate if you're invited.

As for the gift, I too dislike off-registry purchases in general. While I agree that gifts are exactly that -- something someone else decides to give you out of generosity, I think wedding gifts are harder. We received some ridiculously ugly serving platter that I couldn't stand and thankfully I was able to return it -- but I felt irritated that the person spent a huge bit of money on something she thought I would like more than the serving platters I had registered for. If you stray from the registry and don't want to give cash, I think gift cards are a fine idea.

 

[chemgirl]

If I am invited to a shower and I cannot attend, I always send a gift, usually costing about $20-40, depending on how close we are. I don't think it's required or necessary, I just think it's appropriate if you're invited.

As for the gift, I too dislike off-registry purchases in general. While I agree that gifts are exactly that -- something someone else decides to give you out of generosity, I think wedding gifts are harder. We received some ridiculously ugly serving platter that I couldn't stand and thankfully I was able to return it -- but I felt irritated that the person spent a huge bit of money on something she thought I would like more than the serving platters I had registered for. If you stray from the registry and don't want to give cash, I think gift cards are a fine idea.

I'm not sure, but I think she considers gifting money and gift cards tacky. Its a cultural thing. If I do send something for the shower, it really can't be from the registry since she has nothing listed under $200. I'm thinking maybe a picnic basket...something quirky enough that she doesn't get more than one, and too plain and simple to be ugly.

 

[TooPatient]

If I am invited to a shower and I cannot attend, I always send a gift, usually costing about $20-40, depending on how close we are. I don't think it's required or necessary, I just think it's appropriate if you're invited.

As for the gift, I too dislike off-registry purchases in general. While I agree that gifts are exactly that -- something someone else decides to give you out of generosity, I think wedding gifts are harder. We received some ridiculously ugly serving platter that I couldn't stand and thankfully I was able to return it -- but I felt irritated that the person spent a huge bit of money on something she thought I would like more than the serving platters I had registered for. If you stray from the registry and don't want to give cash, I think gift cards are a fine idea.

I'm not sure, but I think she considers gifting money and gift cards tacky. Its a cultural thing. If I do send something for the shower, it really can't be from the registry since she has nothing listed under $200. I'm thinking maybe a picnic basket...something quirky enough that she doesn't get more than one, and too plain and simple to be ugly.

I think a picnic basket is a nice idea.

You could even put in a blanket and picnic-friendly wine glasses. (I saw a set the other day (at a winery?) that was pretty inexpensive and rather nice looking -- and cased so the glasses wouldn't break)

 

[amc80]

I'm one of those annoying people who sometimes buys off-registry gifts. If I'm not close to someone I'll usually stick to the registry, but if I am I prefer to get a more personal gift.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

1. You are never expected to send a gift if you are unable to attend a shower. People who are unable to attend may choose to send a gift to the hostess to be given at the shower if they want to, but it is not expected. When I am unable to attend showers, especially baby showers, I usually send a gift because I am sad to be missing the shower. If it was an acquaintance whom I was not very close to, I might not send a gift.

2. I've never understood the concept of changing your gift to suit the cost of the wedding. It just seems sort of superficial or unfair or some other adjective that I can't quite grasp to give one of my best friends a gift worth 100 dollars, and another equally close friend a gift worth 150 dollars simply because her venue is nicer. Last time I checked, my gift was a gift, not my admission ticket to the wedding "event". My gift values have gone up with my age and income, so my friends haven't all received the same gift from me, but I've always given as much as I could.