bridal party or no? need advice

[laine]

I''m torn about what to do and can''t ask my friends IRL since it''s about them, so I figured I''d turn to you smart ladies.

I''m getting married in July and had decided not to have a bridal party. I''m 30 and feel odd telling my friends what to wear, plus none have them have a lot of spare cash right now. I had planned to ask my closest girl friends to spend the morning getting ready with me. Even more so, however, is that the wedding is not about our friends so I don''t really get the purpose of them standing up with us. I feel like the wedding is about my FI and I and so it should just be the two of us standing there together.

My FI has said that he sometimes thinks he wants groomsmen, but that he''s ok either way and its up to me. I''ve gotten the impression lately that it would mean alot to my friends to be bridesmaids. I think I would include C, who has been my best friend since I was little, and H, who has been my closest friend for the past several years (I thought about just asking C, but I think H would be really hurt and I don''t want to do that). I have a third friend W, who has been a very good friend for the past year, who I would consider including--I think it would mean alot to her. On the flip side, I didn''t want a bridal party at all--three is alot. FI has two he says he''d choose if we decided to.

So, I''m torn, there''s a big part of me that doesn''t really want a wedding party, I want it to be about the two of us. On the other hand, I think it would mean alot to all these other people I care about to be a part of our day. I''ve also told everyone we''re not having a wedding party, and I feel a little odd going back on that, but that''s not really a big deal. What would you do? No bridesmaids? My two closest friends? All three?

 

[meresal]

Can you FI just have his friends be ushers?

 

[laine]

I don''t think we''ll have ushers--I figure people are more than capable of seating themselves, and I''d rather keep things simple (hence my not really wanting a wedding party). And I don''t think FI''s too worried about the guys feeling included--they don''t tend to care too much about being in weddings. He''s planning on having his brother give a toast either way. If he wants a wedding party, its so that he can have a best man, I think (he''ll have a bachelor party either way, thats not an issue). I''m mostly concerned about my friends, because I think they do care about being in the wedding.

 

[meresal]

Date: 2/12/2010 10:32:13 AM
Author: laine
I don't think we'll have ushers--I figure people are more than capable of seating themselves, and I'd rather keep things simple (hence my not really wanting a wedding party). And I don't think FI's too worried about the guys feeling included--they don't tend to care too much about being in weddings. He's planning on having his brother give a toast either way. If he wants a wedding party, its so that he can have a best man, I think (he'll have a bachelor party either way, thats not an issue). I'm mostly concerned about my friends, because I think they do care about being in the wedding.

I think you just answered your own question then.

You said in the first post that you were contemplating BM's, because your FI has made comments about wanting to have groomsmen. If that isn't *really* the case, then there is no issue. Just don't have bridesmaids.

If you don't want them, then don't have them You shouldn't have BM's just because it would mean alot to them.

 

[Octavia]

I felt the same way as you, laine. In the end, I asked my friends to be bridesmaids because I knew that a couple of them would be incredibly hurt if I didn''t, even though the alternative was no bridal party at all. I didn''t tell them what to wear, I actually said just to wear something that made them feel pretty (they proceeded to go behind my back and coordinate, though). They also didn''t stand up with us, they sat in the front row. It was an okay compromise, but still caused me more stress than I would have liked. Really, just go with your gut.

Oh, and don''t worry about things being uneven. DH wanted his childhood friends, who still live in the country where he grew up, to be his groomsmen. We then found out, one by one, in the couple months leading up to the wedding, that none of them were able to come. My brother ended up holding the rings for us, but it was definitely not balanced and it looked fine.

 

[laine]

I meant that he wants groomsmen because he wants groomsmen. I feel like making the guys ushers doesn''t address that, its just a "make someone feel included" kinda role. I dunno, maybe usher is a different role in different places. I never really understood it.

 

[elrohwen]

I think asking them to get ready with you would be great. They could hang out with you and keep you company the way a bridal party would, but wouldn''t walk down the aisle or stand up with you. Honestly, I can''t imagine they would feel that bad - it''s not like you''re choosing people over them, you just don''t want a bridal party.

 

[laine]

Date: 2/12/2010 10:37:37 AM
Author: Octavia
I felt the same way as you, laine. In the end, I asked my friends to be bridesmaids because I knew that a couple of them would be incredibly hurt if I didn''t, even though the alternative was no bridal party at all. I didn''t tell them what to wear, I actually said just to wear something that made them feel pretty (they proceeded to go behind my back and coordinate, though). They also didn''t stand up with us, they sat in the front row. It was an okay compromise, but still caused me more stress than I would have liked. Really, just go with your gut.

Thats exactly how I''m feeling! I feel like they''d be hurt, and so its not worth doing what I want (no bridal party) if it hurts them. I''d do the same as you with telling them to wear that they want. I''ve been trying to figure out if there is a good way to have them included for part of the ceremony not all. Like maybe walk down the aisle, stand up front for the beginning, then when I hand off my flowers they could sit down so its just us for the vows. Does that work?

I guess I feel like the options are "do what I want" or "make more people happy". Which of those is the better choice? I''m just not sure, so I''d like to come up with some sort of compromise.

 

[laine]

Date: 2/12/2010 10:41:02 AM
Author: elrohwen
I think asking them to get ready with you would be great. They could hang out with you and keep you company the way a bridal party would, but wouldn''t walk down the aisle or stand up with you. Honestly, I can''t imagine they would feel that bad - it''s not like you''re choosing people over them, you just don''t want a bridal party.

That''s how I see it! The getting ready together is the part that is important to me, and I wouldn''t feel bad if I were asked to do that (in fact, I was once, and it was great), I''m just really worried that C and H are going to be hurt. Maybe I should ask them. I just feel like that''s a really awkward conversation...

 

[caribqueen]

It sounds to me that you''re second-guessing your initial decision not to have bridesmaids. So why don''t you pick two. What''s the big deal if you do? Two on each side and then your FI can have his guys up there with him supporting him. Same thing for you. Wouldn''t it be nice to have two people that you care about there in the front smiling and "having your back" for the day?

I think, what we sometimes forget is that the entire wedding is not just about the bride and groom otherwise we wouldn''t have a wedding. We''d just go and get married and then tell our family and friends later. I''m not telling you to put your feelings aside and focus on how your friends would feel, but having them up there could be a great gesture and a way to show gratitude to them for being there for you over the years. What would you have to give up to include them?

Just my $.02.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 2/12/2010 10:45:45 AM
Author: laine

Date: 2/12/2010 10:37:37 AM

Author: Octavia

I felt the same way as you, laine. In the end, I asked my friends to be bridesmaids because I knew that a couple of them would be incredibly hurt if I didn''t, even though the alternative was no bridal party at all. I didn''t tell them what to wear, I actually said just to wear something that made them feel pretty (they proceeded to go behind my back and coordinate, though). They also didn''t stand up with us, they sat in the front row. It was an okay compromise, but still caused me more stress than I would have liked. Really, just go with your gut.

Thats exactly how I''m feeling! I feel like they''d be hurt, and so its not worth doing what I want (no bridal party) if it hurts them. I''d do the same as you with telling them to wear that they want. I''ve been trying to figure out if there is a good way to have them included for part of the ceremony not all. Like maybe walk down the aisle, stand up front for the beginning, then when I hand off my flowers they could sit down so its just us for the vows. Does that work?


I guess I feel like the options are ''do what I want'' or ''make more people happy''. Which of those is the better choice? I''m just not sure, so I''d like to come up with some sort of compromise.

At my wedding, the girls walked down the aisle before I did and stood in front of their chairs. When I got to the front, I handed my bouquet to one and another adjusted my train, then they sat down and the ceremony started. I think it worked just fine, and nobody disagreed!

Obviously, I chose "make people happy" over "do what I want." I''m glad I did, because it was invaluable to have my best friends with me on the day and I like looking back at the photos with them. I knew, though, that they would respect my desire to keep things pretty low-key and "unbridesmaidsy" throughout the process. I was upfront with them from the beginning about having a bridal party basically for their sake rather than mine (though I phrased it more diplomatically!), so they knew not to bug me about things I didn''t want to deal with. If they''d been higher-maintenance, I don''t know that I would have decided to do a bridal party at all.

 

[LilyKat]

I'm not having bridesmaids. My closest two friends are spending the morning with me getting ready, and I have privately told them they are "unofficial bridesmaids" - but they won't be walking down the aisle or wearing matching dresses! My fiance is having a best man, though. I really don't care about symmetry.

I say, do what you want. If you want your best friends with you but don't want the whole faff and ceremony of matching dresses or walking down the aisle... just do it that way. You could always buy them a small gift of appreciation to make them feel included. Alternatively, if money is the main issue, you could always ask them to wear a dress they already own (black dresses with coloured sashes? Or just go through their wardrobes and pick two dresses that look nice together). Keep it informal.

 

[meresal]

If your friends are going to be upset that you didn''t have them as "official" BM''s... as opposed to you being happy by having what you want, which is them to be there and be ready with you, and by NOT having BM''s... Then I believe there are bigger issues here than whether or not to have bridesmaids.

Why would you give into something just because that is what they want? This is your wedding and they should respect what you want.

 

[laine]

Thanks for all the feedback--it really helped to sort of "talk it out". Octavia and Caribqueen, I''m leaning towards your approach of "make people happy."
I think I''m going to call the girls and explain that I had decided against a bridal party because I thought it would be easier on everyone, but I hadn''t thought about what they wanted to do, and ask if they would rather skip the official title and help me get ready, or if they would prefer to be bridesmaids (wearing wherever dress they want and probably sitting for most of the ceremony).

 

[Octavia]

Date: 2/12/2010 2:15:22 PM
Author: laine
Thanks for all the feedback--it really helped to sort of ''talk it out''. Octavia and Caribqueen, I''m leaning towards your approach of ''make people happy.''

I think I''m going to call the girls and explain that I had decided against a bridal party because I thought it would be easier on everyone, but I hadn''t thought about what they wanted to do, and ask if they would rather skip the official title and help me get ready, or if they would prefer to be bridesmaids (wearing wherever dress they want and probably sitting for most of the ceremony).

That sounds like a good plan. I also told my friends that I''d be equally happy if they wanted to be "honored guests" or bridesmaids, but for whatever reason, they really wanted to be bridesmaids. In the end, there was no harm in letting them be happy, so hopefully it will work out as well for you!

 

[D2B]

Go with your gut feeling.

I didnt have any bridesmaids. Just wasnt my thing to have grown women standing up their with me. It was a small wedding, white dress, church etc, but we choose which bits we wanted to reflect our wedding. Love them in other weddings, but not my thing. So totally up to you. But, if they are close to you surely they will know it might not be your thing either and not get offended, after all it is your wedding, they will get to theirs their way when it is time. You could honour special people by asking for a reading or seating them closer to you or on your table.

good luck

 

[caribqueen]

I wish you well with your decision Laine!

 

[mayachel]

We will be 29 and 30 when we get married this summer. We are also the last of most of our friends to tie the knot. Initially, df was really set on not having a wedding party, and I knew I didn't really want to have 5 or 6 bm, which is what I'd get to when I didn't leave anyone out that I thought might be hurt.

But then, as I was planning their involvement (very low key but helping me get ready day of, bounce ideas off of...) my mother was the one who basically said, "so they get to do all the work, but none of the honor?"

At which point I put on my "big girl panties" drew a line in the sand about who I REALLY wanted with me other than df and did it. Which resulted in 3 people. Other than us. It meant I left out a loooong time friend (who I don't feel that close to), someone who's wedding I was in a few years ago and some one else who was friends with the friend I really wanted to include. I decided to not mention it to those people, other than, "we wanted to keep things small".

The ones who are participating I am giving a color, and the task of choosing their own dresses, shoes etc... I've told them all I want is their love and support and for them to show up the day of the wedding.

No one I was angsty over has said "boo" about it.

 

[laine]

Figured I''d go ahead and update: I ended up asking C and H to be my bridesmaids, and FI asked his two groomsman. All 4 seemed very excited and honored to be included (especially when we told the guys they could wear suits they own and the girls they could wear any solid colored dress). I spoke to W and mentioned that even though we''re only doing a small bridal party, I''d really like her to help me get ready, and she seemed good with that.

We''ve also decided that we will have the wedding party sit down for the vows, so I still get the "just us" feeling, and we''re skipping the announcement/introduction thing at the reception (since we''re going to show up at cocktail hour anyway), so that helps to keep it simple. Anyway, we''re happy with our decision and I really appreciate the advice you all gave me!

 

[RaiKai]

My husband and I did not have a bridal party. Like you, we are both older (30 and 35) and it felt odd to us too to have other people up there with us for a variety of reasons. Neither of us needed "encouragement" to be there. We wanted it to be just us up there as our relationship, our vows, our marriage, and so on was about and for us in the end. Having a bridal party would of felt...like we were "playing the wedding industry game" of some sort if that makes sense. It did not fit us as a couple. We found a lot of the "usual traditions" didn't actually and had no qualms about leaving them out.

We also had a small guest list (16 total) and felt EVERY guest we invited was equally important (which is why we invited them) and wanted them to truly be able to relax and enjoy the ceremony. No one ever felt excluded by not being in a bridal party, and they all raved about our wedding and still do.

As we had a destination wedding and I no longer live near my family, I had them just "hang out" with me if they chose while I was getting ready. I asked my sister to help me with my dress. I asked my mother to help me with the jewelery she gave me. They came and went and it was great fun! My husband and I went to the ceremony together.

We each asked one of our sisters to be our witness to sign the certificate which they were pleased by.

We have no regrets about not having a bridal party

So, in your situation, if having a bridal party does not fit for you...don't do it!

 

[RaiKai]

Eek, just saw your update. It sounds like you figured out something that works for you both and are happy with it!

I think having them sit down during the ceremony will make a big difference too and lend you the atmosphere you wanted.

 

[PumpkinPie]

i''m glad you''ve found a solution that you''re happy with