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Breaking up? Moving to NC?

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Becky P

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2006
Messages
272
Well, ladies, I just got back from a 4 day trip to Raleigh, NC, and I''ve got to say it''s such a beautiful place! The weather is great, the people are really nice, and the community is really growing. At first, I didn''t like it very much, but then a colleague of my bf took us all around and it turned out that we had been driving around the ghetto parts!
So, after seeing the nicer parts of the area, I do really like it. But... I''m just not so sure about my relationship now. The last few weeks/months have been really stressful. He''s been traveling a lot for work, and when we have been together there''s been a lot of bickering over little things that aren''t really important at all. That''s wierd for us because we''ve only had about 3 fights in the almost 8 years that we''ve known each other. It seems like all of these life decisions (talking about marriage, talking about moving, etc) are forcing us to really decide if we''ll be compatible for the long term - at least, they''re causing me to think about these things, which I think is good. So, I''m still not making any decisions - just observing, and thinking and doing a lot of self-reflection. I think there''s a good chance we may break up within the next few months, but we''ll see. With that being said, I spent the four days in NC thinking, where would I rather be if I was single again, Pittsburgh or Raleigh? And, let me tell you ladies, Raleigh is the definitive winner!!! There were tons of attractive men, and I actually had 3 men pick up my left hand and look for a ring when we were discussing the fact that we were considering moving to NC. So, I think the men in NC might be more pre-disposed to the idea of marriage. Anyway, long story short, I''m pretty certain that we''re moving to North Carolina in either Feb or Mar depending on when his townhouse here sells. I''m not sure if we''ll stay together, but I''d rather be single in Raleigh than single in Pittsburgh. So, that''s the update...
 

Mandarine

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2006
Messages
3,786
Hi Becky! I''m glad you checked in!


I think it will be hard not to love NC!...I''ve never been there but have done enough reserach to know I would personally love it!


I don''t really have much to say....mainly because I feel you are just not being honest with yourself. The last thing on my mind is "where I would rather be sinlge"....and to be honest, I don''t think this is what you are truly thinking (and if it is then you should break it off now). I think this is what you''re telling yourself to excuse the fact that you are actually going through with the move. I don''t know if that makes any sense, but it''s sort of like you''re telling yourself this to not feel like you''re making a stupid decision (stupid might not be the word, but I can''t think of another word right now).

I am happy you are doing a lot of thinking....I just think you need to start being more honest with yourself and with the things you think of to "condition" yourself for this move.

Regardless, I''m glad you checked in. You''re a great person and deserve the best...I just hope you would realize that!!

M~
 

Butterflies

Rough_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2006
Messages
61
Becky, if you think that you will end up breaking up why move to Raleigh? I don''t think it will be a good idea to be in the same city if you two break up. You will feel really lonely and the only one you will know over there will be him. Not the right person to relay on while going through a break up in a completely new city. What if he starts dating and you see him with another girl? Unless you want to put yourself through some torture, move somewhere where there is no chance you will run into him. That is the only way you will be able to move on.

My advice is to let him move by himself. If you want to get out of the city you are now this is the perfect opportunity to do some research about OTHER cities. There are so many other wonderful cities in this country that you could move to. It doesn''t have to be Raleigh. Why not move closer to family? You will need them for support once you make the decision you think you''ll end up making. Just my .02.
 

KimberlyH

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 15, 2006
Messages
7,485
Becky,

I''m glad you had a nice visit to a potential new city to live in but I have to echo the other girls, if this is still feeling like the wrong relationship and person for you than moving to the same city as him where you know no one makes very little sense. You are setting yourself up for needing him, even if only as a companion.

Please, spend some time reviewing your other posts that discuss the many low points your relationship has hit over the past several months. It seems to me that staying is easy because of how entwined your lives are as opposed to him being a bonus to the already happy, healthy life you created for yourself, which is when relationships tend to work best.

I wish you the very best and hope you find happiness, it just doesn''t seem that it is going to be with him.
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
hi becky, first of all thank you so much for your congrats and kind words in my other thread. I''m going to be a little honest here, but it''s just b/c sometimes it''s hard to sugar coat.
i don''t think it''s wise to move thinking you''re hedging your bets (that maybe things''ll change and he''ll propose, or maybe you''ll be single and in a better city otherwise). You''ll end up feeling really bad about yourself b/c it''s like you followed him with no promises and if it doesn''t work out, you''re going to have no self esteem b/c the decision to move wasn''t even yours. No one wants to be in close proximity to an ex (if that happens), and the last thing on your mind will be new men! There are also sooo many great cities out there, Raleigh isnt'' the only one! Move to Charlotte if you love NC so much! (hope I have the right state..I don''t know the south!).
It''s just really not wise to move until you know what you''re getting into. It doesn''t sound like you''re observing, self-reflecting--it sounds like you''re waiting and hoping he comes around! He has all the power and he knows it and he is using it to benefit him! I hope you see the light soon. I''m not saying it won''t work out, I''m saying it won''t work out THIS WAY. You have to stand up for what you want out of life, not be passive and he has to act--he''ll respect you much much more for it!
Did you guys discuss living situations when you visited NC and if you were moving in together, or was it to look around and see potential separate apts? I really do wish you the best though, you seem like a really nice, sweet person, you deserve something more definitive!!
 

Mara

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31,003
hey becky...i have to echo the thoughts of the other gals. i mean in the end you will do whatever you want regardless of what is said here, because it''s your life. but think really hard about what you are saying. you''d rather be in NC if you break up or are together, but do you really want to be in the same town as this guy if you do break up? there ARE other places to be single in if you do not make it relationship wise. i think moving just because it''s easy to do now and you don''t have to actually make any decisions is not the way to go. quite frankly, being lazy about your life is NOT the way to go. yes it''s hard to induce change but think about what you really want. i don''t regret any of my old relationships or things i have done in my life because it shaped me into who i am today, but i do think sometimes ''well 4 years with so and so was just 2 years too long''. and you only have one life to live. so make it count. think about what YOU really want and if you still want to move to NC, why don''t you move on your own terms? what about living apart in NC from your BF? to me that was a definitive when i moved out of my ex''s house...our relationship quickly deteroriated and i realized living together had been the only thing keeping us in that limbo of a dead relationship.

just some food for thought but to me it sounds like you really aren''t sure about the relationship now, and you are making mental decisions, not just observing. if you are already going ''well if we break up...'' then i think you mentally feel like you might be making decisions but make them proactively and not reactively.
 

Becky P

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2006
Messages
272
Good idea on looking at other cities to possibly move to - I had thought of that a while back, but life just seems to happen and you get so wrapped up in it that it''s hard to "think outside the box". What I''d really like to do right now is just take a break - at least for a few weeks - so that I have time to really think everything over. But, with the holidays and everything, I''m just not sure how to do that without incurring substantial penalties because all the flights are booked and all the families have made their plans to see us. I know that sounds like an excuse, but I''m just not sure how to take a break when we''re supposed to be flying all over the country visiting relatives in 3 different states.

I don''t know for sure if I want to break up, but I feel like it might very well be headed that way. I think we want different things. He says that we want the same thing, just on a different timeframe. I think everything''s just come to a head and I need some space, some time to think. I''m not ready to make any decisions right this minute.

If we did move to NC, we would most definitely have separate places. That much has been made clear. We will not be living together until we are married. We did talk this weekend about saving for the next year so that we have a downpayment on a place in a year. But, I just don''t think he''s making the connection between us buying a place together and marriage even though he says he doesn''t want to live together until we''re married.
 

decodelighted

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Jul 27, 2005
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Date: 12/4/2006 2:08:33 PM
Author: Becky P
If we did move to NC, we would most definitely have separate places. That much has been made clear. We will not be living together until we are married. We did talk this weekend about saving for the next year so that we have a downpayment on a place in a year. But, I just don''t think he''s making the connection between us buying a place together and marriage even though he says he doesn''t want to live together until we''re married.
Ack Becky!

I just don''t "get" this guy ... or YOU for that matter! Move across country AGAIN. Live in sep apartments ...because "that has been made clear" ..BY WHOM? HIM, Again? Just HIM. And then EXPECT you to SAVE up for a downpayment FOR A YEAR ... what then? Get engaged then? Who lives in the apartment you buy for the long engagement period ... cause you still can''t live together til you''re married.

This just doesn''t make ANY sense. IMO it''s like = he keeps putting up hoops & you keep blindly jumping through them .. feeling honored he''s even toying with you.

Only deep down you''re not feeling so honored anymore. You''re PEEVED. And insulted. And ANGRY. Which is why your subconcious is already looking around for "marrying type guys" whilst WITH your BF on a trip about MOVING WITH HIM.

He''s giving you a little project to work on to keep you busy for the next year. Saving for the new house. Hmmm ... he''s gonna be saving for the new house too -- not SAVING FOR A RING!

GET. OUT. Aiigh.
 

Mara

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Joined
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Messages
31,003
Date: 12/4/2006 2:19:41 PM
Author: decodelighted

Which is why your subconcious is already looking around for 'marrying type guys' whilst WITH your BF on a trip about MOVING WITH HIM
Ditto this comment big time. Your subconscious is sending up serious red flags on that whole thing.

I think a break is a great idea if that is what you want to do. DO NOT let the timeframe aka 'it's the holidays' sucker you into doing nothing. What's so wrong with saying 'lets take some time this dec and think some things over'. Maybe traveling alone would be a better thing for both of you this season than just doing what you always do because it's easy (but then fighting all the time).

Take the initiative if you want something. It's your life.
 

TravelingGal

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Joined
Dec 29, 2004
Messages
17,193
Date: 12/4/2006 9:22:38 AM
Author:Becky P
Well, ladies, I just got back from a 4 day trip to Raleigh, NC, and I''ve got to say it''s such a beautiful place! The weather is great, the people are really nice, and the community is really growing. At first, I didn''t like it very much, but then a colleague of my bf took us all around and it turned out that we had been driving around the ghetto parts!
So, after seeing the nicer parts of the area, I do really like it. But... I''m just not so sure about my relationship now. The last few weeks/months have been really stressful. He''s been traveling a lot for work, and when we have been together there''s been a lot of bickering over little things that aren''t really important at all. That''s wierd for us because we''ve only had about 3 fights in the almost 8 years that we''ve known each other. It seems like all of these life decisions (talking about marriage, talking about moving, etc) are forcing us to really decide if we''ll be compatible for the long term - at least, they''re causing me to think about these things, which I think is good. So, I''m still not making any decisions - just observing, and thinking and doing a lot of self-reflection. I think there''s a good chance we may break up within the next few months, but we''ll see. With that being said, I spent the four days in NC thinking, where would I rather be if I was single again, Pittsburgh or Raleigh? And, let me tell you ladies, Raleigh is the definitive winner!!! There were tons of attractive men, and I actually had 3 men pick up my left hand and look for a ring when we were discussing the fact that we were considering moving to NC. So, I think the men in NC might be more pre-disposed to the idea of marriage. Anyway, long story short, I''m pretty certain that we''re moving to North Carolina in either Feb or Mar depending on when his townhouse here sells. I''m not sure if we''ll stay together, but I''d rather be single in Raleigh than single in Pittsburgh. So, that''s the update...
Hey, I though you ladies weren''t getting on this rollercoaster again? hee hee...


Becky, while it''s nice of you to give us the update, it certainly is frustrating to hear. As to highlighted parts above - many of us haven''t been sure of your relationship for awhile now!
And I hope you can come to a decision soon that will be in YOUR best interest.
 

therighttime

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 20, 2006
Messages
224
Becky.. I''ve never replied to your threads, but have kept up somewhat. I am glad you posted your update about moving or not, and I certainly wish you well and what is best for you!

BUT..(of course there would be a but...) I agree with the above posters who mentioned your comment about looking around for single men and possibly moving there because of the selection! You were on a trip with your BF but scooping out what''s out there in case you break up? That just sent huge red flags to me. I am a LIW and sometimes it is frustrating to wait, but it never ever crosses my mind to see what men might be available to me if I broke up! I''m 100% positive about the man I already have. If you are not, then don''t even think about marriage, or moving with him.

Good luck!
 

Bunnifer

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 26, 2006
Messages
227
Hi Becky,

I just re-read your previous threads and (unfortunately or not) I agree with most of what has already been said.

On the one hand, I understand where your BF is coming from -- he wants the best of both worlds - to keep you, to keep his relationship with his family, and to satisfy his own professional goals. However, I don''t understand why these goals need to be mutually exclusive -- there is no reason (IMHO) why he cannot have his cake and eat it too. BUT to eat his cake, he needs to take a seat at the grown-up table. This should be a turning point for him -- he needs to decide whether you are "important enough" to make a commitment. Oh, right, he''s "not ready to commit" -- IMO, this is an excuse to keep status quo if you and he move to NC (he will satisfy his own professional goals, he will satisfy his parents'' goals, and he will have you). Thus, nothing has changed. Except you are still festering inside, which is (1) NOT healthy, and (2) UNNECESSARY.

In the end, moving to NC will be your decision and our opinions on PS won''t matter. But you are such a sweet girl, and we would hate to see you unhappy. You really should take a deep breath and put YOURSELF above him. Do what is right for YOU, and if he comes around, that will just be a bonus.

Just my $.02
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
I''m glad you gave us an update! To me it sounds like you are just about to throw in the towel, because you are beginning to realize that this isn''t going where you need it to go. I agree with others that moving to Raleigh might not be best for you now, nor later, especially if you break up. I say, stand up for yourself and tell him that you aren''t going to follow him around any more. There is someone out there who wants the same things as you do, but you won''t ever find him if you don''t break away. I hope that you find a solution that makes you happy both now and in the long run.

*M*
 

fire&ice

Ideal_Rock
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Jul 22, 2002
Messages
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Date: 12/4/2006 3:46:20 PM
Author: poptart
I say, stand up for yourself and tell him that you aren''t going to follow him around any more.
*M*
Ditto.

I would seriously consider moving to the place where you started from - where YOUR family and friends are. You are moving again to a random location that HE PICKED! You really aren''t part of any decision making. Hate to say it - this bodes for "He''s so not into YOU!"
 

ljmorgan

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Mar 5, 2006
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Becky, you have been through a heck of a lot lately. I wish you the best, and hope you find a "marrying kind of guy" sometime in the near future.
 

Maria D

Brilliant_Rock
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Date: 12/4/2006 9:22:38 AM
Author:Becky P
....I actually had 3 men pick up my left hand and look for a ring when we were discussing the fact that we were considering moving to NC. So, I think the men in NC might be more pre-disposed to the idea of marriage. ...
This doesn't mean that these 3 men are more pre-disposed to marriage. This means these 3 men are of the same sentiment as virtually *everyone* that responds to your posts. They can't figure out why you two are considering moving to NC together without being engaged first!

I don't understand how so many see Becky as "sweet" or a "great person" based on these threads. Maybe I'm missing the threads where Becky's sweet and wonderful qualities are exposed because I don't see it here. Now Becky, I'm not saying that you *aren't* a wonderful person! Maybe you are kind to children and small animals, maybe you are the most supportive friend/girlfriend in the universe, I don't know. All I see based on these posts about your relationship is someone either too apathetic or too terrified to consciously live her life. I guess it's just the feminist in me, but I'm offended by the notion that a woman is considered "sweet" because she's letting someone else call all the shots in her life. So Becky, no offense to *you*, just the notion!
 

E B

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Joined
Aug 31, 2005
Messages
9,488
Another thread on what to do. Becky, love, what's the point? I understand the need to vent, but you became offended and ignored everyone's good, impartial advice last time. Are you hoping we'll take a different stance this time around?

Regarding the move: If you love North Carolina, great! There are plenty of cities besides Raleigh that are teeming with single, marrying men. Charlotte, for one. Greensboro. Durham. Winston-Salem. Cary, NC made CNN's Best Places to Live 2006 list at #5.

If you're really considering leaving him, don't think about starting over in the same town he'll be starting over in. That's just setting yourself up for the possibility of running back to him the moment you feel weak.

ETA: I see now that it was mostly an update post, not a post looking for advice. You know you'll get it though, so hopefully this time you'll see that we're not trying to be mean. More sisterly, if that make sense.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
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55,120
Becky, if there is a place where you have lots of friends and family and it seems like "home", then that sounds like a great place to move!

However, if I had to choose between being alone in Pittsburg or alone in Raleigh...well, let's just say I'd be packing my bags NOW!!!!

And to the girls that are worried about you breaking up and being in the same city, I'd say to not worry about that at all. It's big area! You'd likely never run into him unless you purposely did so. That area is thriving and a good place to live. Duke University and NC State University are nearby, so there are lots of interesting cultural events going on all the time. The cost of living is so much better than the northeast, too.

Bottom line, I wouldn't move to NC unless you just think it would be a nice place to live, which it is. Make the decision based on assuming you will not be staying together.

(ETA: Cary, Raleigh, and Durham are all right there together)
 

Tacori E-ring

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Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,011
I am glad you love NC! We are in Charlotte and just love it here. I really, really hope everything works out how you want it to (which ever way that is of course!) Just take it day by day. I really do believe everything works out for a reason. You''ll know what is right when the time comes.
 

akw94

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 10, 2006
Messages
1,937
Hi Becky,
I''m glad you had a good trip to NC. I don''t know much about it and it sounds like a great place. For me though, that wouldn''t be enough to move there. I''ll just say what I would do. I wouldn''t move to another state if I wasn''t sure of my relationship. I thought you said before that you expected the two of you to live together this time and now it''s for sure that you won''t. I''m a little confused. What happened? Do you want to live together or prefer not to?

I definitely think that thinking and self-reflection is very important! But as you''re doing that, consider what is best for YOU. When you say that you think there''s a good chance you''ll break up in the next couple of months, how, at the same time, can you be planning to move out of state w/him? Would you break up w/him or do you think he''d break up w/you? I''m not sure why he would if he''s getting what he wants out of the relationship. I think that if my relationship were on the verge of breakup, that would have to be my complete focus right now, not moving until it was stable and I knew that I would be happy. If you''re truly considering breakup, I wouldn''t move there w/him. I don''t think your relationship will change and become stable just b/c you move. What will change?

Honestly, if you''re really thinking about what to do if you''re single again, your relationship is pretty much over. As others said, I can''t imagine thinking about that while still in my relationship. I understand you might want to be realistic about your relationship and life and see that the two of you might not stay together. But deal w/the relationship before you deal w/being single. You can''t make decisions now on the what-if you''re single, unless you are planning for that event.

If you want to take a break, then do it! If you must continue w/your travel plans, that''s fine and maybe you can take that physical break after the holidays. You don''t have to move right now. Why can''t he go first and you move, if and when you''re ready? Especially if you''re not living together, you certainly don''t have to move at the same time.

Have you thought about giving yourself a timeline to decide when you will make these decisions. I know that being in a state of indecision is very difficult and maybe it would help if you had a goal date. By such and such date, I will decide if I want to move. By such and such date, I will decide if I want to breakup. If I want to breakup, I will do so by such and such date. Just an idea.

Take care Becky! I hope that I wasn''t too repetitive.
 

phoenixgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 20, 2003
Messages
3,369
Hey Becky,

I''m glad you gave us an update.

You say you need a break but don''t want to incur penalties -- think of all the costs and penalties that will be incurred if you wind up moving to NC, renting a new apt., breaking up, breaking your lease, moving again, etc. Money shouldn''t be a factor in that decision. Here''s another way to look at it -- the holidays will be a great time to just relax with your own family away from him and get some much-needed perspective. He doesn''t celebrate Christmas anyway so I''m sure he was just going to please you.

Conventional wisdom says that you are letting yourself be walked all over . . . I briefly summarized your story for my coworkers at lunch when you posted your last post, and before I could finish they were interrupting me saying, "Oh, duh! He''s never going to marry her!" (Sorry) That said, your story is your own to write. Maybe you will move to NC and meet someone else. It''d be sort of sweet revenge and irony all at the same time. You don''t seem attached to anywhere else (although I thought Chicago sounded like the place with the most friends for you to reconnect with), so I guess moving isn''t as big as a sacrifice for you as it is for most people. So maybe it''s not the wrong move.

Whatever happens with your guy, I hope you will focus on what you can change and not what you can''t. You can''t change your BF''s inertia -- in fact, jumping through another hoop may actually make him less likely to go all the way with your relationship (because it can come across as you being willing to accept anything for the sake of the relationship). You can move again and hope he changes (although even you chose to view his comments about buying a home as more of an unrealistic maybe rather than a hint that he wanted to get married), or you can not move and hope he changes, or you can give up on him changing and focus on finding someone who does want to get married, and if that happens to be your recently dumped BF who suddenly has a change of heart . . .

I don''t think moving to NC is a fatal mistake, although I also think you should consider moving near family or friends. I do think that you should think seriously before putting your life on hold any longer. If he loves you, he''ll fight to win you back if you break up with him. If he doesn''t, better to know now than later.

What would your advice be to a woman in your situation if you heard her situation as a stranger?
 

kat757

Rough_Rock
Joined
Sep 16, 2006
Messages
2
Becky,
I am new to the forum, but I am not new to the tricks men will use to string you along. Becky, plain and simple he will never marry you. He wants his cake and eat it too. I have been reading your post for the past few months and i can tell there are too many differences. You keep giveing in to him and he does not change his life one bit for you. That is not how it works....you deserve better...much, much better. I would stay put...don''t move with him...I don''t think it is a good idea. He wants you to do all the work while he has fun, then when he is ready to marry ,I guarantee his family will tell him to marry a muslim or else...believe me it is true...it happened to my friend. The wedding date was set and his family said they did not approve and he called it off to marry the muslim girl they chose for him. Think about it.
 

bellah

Rough_Rock
Joined
Dec 5, 2006
Messages
24
Hi Becky,

I''m new to this forum as well and have followed your story. Firstly, I want to say that I admire you for the way you have handled yourself. It must be hard to hear a lot of what is said on this forum so I admire you for continuing to give updates well aware of what you will cop. Hopefully you can understand the frustration of the PS women. The whole situation seems pretty clear to us. We are not you though, so we can only form our opinions on what you tell us, and on our own life experiences and the experiences of those close to us.

You really have to think about your longtime future (and happiness!!) with this man. What jumps out at me is that becoming engaged isn''t the only major life decision you have to face together. If he proposed to you, it wouldn''t be an automatic happy ending. What happens when you are trying to set a date for the wedding and he wont commit to it? or you feel like splurging on a holiday, a new car (a diamond upgrade
) but HE wont allow it or even listen to why you want it. What happens when your friends start having children and you feel that maternal desire but he "isnt ready yet and doesn''t know when he will be". What then? I''m only basing this on what you post but I just dont see the both of you as equals who make decisions together. From what I gather, everything happens in his time, where he wants it (NC or the next place he wants to move) and when he wants it. He seems to call the shots and you go along with it and justify it by telling yourself that you made the decision together. Would marriage change that? I''d just think about that now, because it could end up being a very controlling life.

You could very easily meet someone new in a years time (or whenever you are ready) and be engaged 6 months later to a man that is desperate for you to be his wife. Someone that loves you more than anything, treats you as his equal and just wants to make you so happy! Just think about this, life will not end without your b/f.

I''m not going to tell you to break up with him, but please dont follow him to NC. In my opinion, after 4 years together, its not an unreasonable request for an engagement if he wants you to move for him AGAIN! HE wont propose, so YOU dont move! Yes, its THAT simple. Start living your life, and not holding on to the coat-tails of his. Easier said than done, yes, but stand up for yourself and be strong. If he really truly loves you, he''d rather get engaged than lose you! Maybe he needs that to happen in order to realise what you mean to him. Just something to think about.

Best of luck Becky.
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
I don''t have the life experience to give any advice (not that it would be needed after the plethora of replies you always get!)... All I can say is that I hope that wherever you go and whatever you do, be it with him or not, I truly hope you will be happy, whatever that ends up meaning to you.

I hope you don''t feel to dragged down by the replies you get here, but like everyone else has said, most of the posters really do have your best interests at heart. Hopefully some of the advice will ring true for you or help bring you some sort of clarity, because it seems like you''ve been stuck in this in-between fog for awhile now.

I wish you the best!
 

diamondfan

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
11,016
I just think it is a mistake to move there FOR HIM. If you loved it there, maybe you would end up there (I have never been to either locale but have friends from Pittsburgh, and NC sounds nicer to me...) but I would not go with him. To me, if things are meant to be, let him go, and things will evolve as they should. I know it is easier said than done, but for your own self respect I would just tell him that you do not see a future as things are, and will not move without a ring and a date...not to pressure him, but to put your cards on the table...
 

janinegirly

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 21, 2006
Messages
3,689
i think we''re all wasting our breath..she will move to NC (with a nagging feeling in her gut which she''ll ignore) and live separately from her bf and continue this pattern until he eventually does something that makes it unbearable.
Sorry Becky..but you need to see the light or at least be honest (or "out of the box" as you put it) about what is going on here! Have you talked to him recently? Do you really think it''s a good idea to play "pretend married couple" and go visit all the families when you''re about to move to NC to live alone in a strange home with no friends and no gameplan? Is your job not affected by these moves to follow this man repeatedly?
 

Becky P

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 7, 2006
Messages
272
Well ladies - after much thinking and reflection, I told my bf tonight that I think he should move to NC and that I plan on staying here in Pittsburgh - at least for the time being. My lease ends in December, so I''m going to talk to my landlord and get a 3-6 month extension. I told him that I love him very much, and this is coming from a place of love, it''s not me trying to manipulate him into something he''s not ready for, but I have to be true to myself, and my gut says that I should stay and he should go. This professional opportunity is too good for him to pass up, but I''m not ready to follow him again without a firm commitment for our future. I''ll stay here for 3-6 more months and see what happens.

His response... silence... then, "well, that''s not the response I expected"

Then, I had to go to my waitressing gig tonight, and we won''t see each other until Saturday... He clearly wanted to discuss this more, but now he''ll have a few days to think about it all, and I''m sure he''ll try to change my mind every step of the way, but I''ve gotta be true to myself and at this moment in time, I''ve got to agree that I shouldn''t go. He sent me 4 text messages tonight while I was at work... that never happens...
 

poptart

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
May 23, 2006
Messages
1,899
CONGRATULATIONS ON STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF!!! I think I speak for all the PS ladies when I say that we are proud of you! Just stay true to yourself and don''t let him sweet talk you into doing what HE wants you to do.

*M*
 
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