galeteia
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- May 9, 2006
- Messages
- 1,794
I''m not really sure how to start off this post.
Disclaimer:Therapy is not an option. We simply cannot afford it. Our budget is rent, food, and gas so he can get to work. No fun money. I won''t have work authorization for months and he is a student, and while the Psychology department at his school has a ''sliding scale'' fee system, obviously having one of his own friends/colleagues as my therapist is not an option either.
I have never been so extreme as to pass the highly rigorous parameters set out by the DSM and be declared a valid case of BDD (Body Dysmorphoc Disorder) or an eating disorder. Which is to say, I have never ''passed'' all the necessary criteria. Gee thanks, I guess I don''t have a problem. Thanks, APA! Nice to know that I don''t qualify to have a legitimate or serious issue.
Instead, I have frequent episodes (since my preteens, I''m now 27) which are socially, emotionally, and mentally debilitating, ranging from having plans to go out and being excited to socialize and then abruptly become so horrified by my appearance that I refuse to leave the house, forcing a cancellation of whatever plans we have made, to an idiotic and ignorant saleswoman at a recent bra shopping nightmare who triggered another one which has lasted a week, hence me posting this thread. It''s bad enough this time that I have been unable to be intimate with my SO, convinced that I have to ''protect'' him from exposure to the abomination that is my body.
Normally, what I dub ''episodes'' have a trigger, like putting on clothing and seeing myself partially naked. Ironically, when I am not having an episode, I wander around the house fully naked and unconcerned, hitting on my guy and cheerfully having sex like a couple who''s been apart for two years. I''m a size 12-14 (hard to write that number, back in my starvation days, a size 6 was baggy) and some days I look in the mirror and see a size 12, sometimes I look in the mirror and see a size 22. Seeing anything "pro-Ana" will also set me off, where I either give in to my starvation urges and feel that addictive rush of pride that you''ve managed to eat so little, or force myself to be rational and feel utterly disgusted with myself for being such a ''weak-willed pig'' as to eat a normal amount of food, knowing that I''ll stay the same ''monstrous'' size if I do.
Worsening the situation quite nicely is my sluggish thyroid. Sometimes my results come back hypothyroid, sometimes they come back normal, so I don''t qualify for thyroid medication either, even if I did have insurance or a doctor down here, which I don''t. Instead, I struggle to eat 1500-1700 nutritious calories a day and exercise frequently, which keeps me at a "lazy cow who can''t be bothered to lose weight" size instead of a "bed-ridden whale" size. Yay me.
Since therapy isn''t an option, and this is dragging both me and my guy into depression, I''m trying to reach out to those who also experience these feelings for support. Sometimes I feel humiliated for my SO that he has to introduce his ''hideous'' girlfriend to his friends, who are all keen to meet me after I''ve been the mysterious absentee girlfriend for so long. He tries to assure me that he finds me attractive, but it seems to worsen, not improve things.
What really boggles my mind about this not-quite-technically-BDD is that I see women larger than me and think they look lovely, whereas thin women look bland and uninteresting to me, and I wonder why men are attracted to them. But all of that goes out the window when I look at myself in the mirror. At times I feel physically nauseated at what I see.
I''m also furious that I have this issue still to this day. I imagine it''s not unlike an alcoholic, where you are always a ''recovering alcoholic'' and it''s something that you''ll never be free of, that temptation/danger is always there.
Disclaimer:Therapy is not an option. We simply cannot afford it. Our budget is rent, food, and gas so he can get to work. No fun money. I won''t have work authorization for months and he is a student, and while the Psychology department at his school has a ''sliding scale'' fee system, obviously having one of his own friends/colleagues as my therapist is not an option either.
I have never been so extreme as to pass the highly rigorous parameters set out by the DSM and be declared a valid case of BDD (Body Dysmorphoc Disorder) or an eating disorder. Which is to say, I have never ''passed'' all the necessary criteria. Gee thanks, I guess I don''t have a problem. Thanks, APA! Nice to know that I don''t qualify to have a legitimate or serious issue.
Instead, I have frequent episodes (since my preteens, I''m now 27) which are socially, emotionally, and mentally debilitating, ranging from having plans to go out and being excited to socialize and then abruptly become so horrified by my appearance that I refuse to leave the house, forcing a cancellation of whatever plans we have made, to an idiotic and ignorant saleswoman at a recent bra shopping nightmare who triggered another one which has lasted a week, hence me posting this thread. It''s bad enough this time that I have been unable to be intimate with my SO, convinced that I have to ''protect'' him from exposure to the abomination that is my body.
Normally, what I dub ''episodes'' have a trigger, like putting on clothing and seeing myself partially naked. Ironically, when I am not having an episode, I wander around the house fully naked and unconcerned, hitting on my guy and cheerfully having sex like a couple who''s been apart for two years. I''m a size 12-14 (hard to write that number, back in my starvation days, a size 6 was baggy) and some days I look in the mirror and see a size 12, sometimes I look in the mirror and see a size 22. Seeing anything "pro-Ana" will also set me off, where I either give in to my starvation urges and feel that addictive rush of pride that you''ve managed to eat so little, or force myself to be rational and feel utterly disgusted with myself for being such a ''weak-willed pig'' as to eat a normal amount of food, knowing that I''ll stay the same ''monstrous'' size if I do.
Worsening the situation quite nicely is my sluggish thyroid. Sometimes my results come back hypothyroid, sometimes they come back normal, so I don''t qualify for thyroid medication either, even if I did have insurance or a doctor down here, which I don''t. Instead, I struggle to eat 1500-1700 nutritious calories a day and exercise frequently, which keeps me at a "lazy cow who can''t be bothered to lose weight" size instead of a "bed-ridden whale" size. Yay me.
Since therapy isn''t an option, and this is dragging both me and my guy into depression, I''m trying to reach out to those who also experience these feelings for support. Sometimes I feel humiliated for my SO that he has to introduce his ''hideous'' girlfriend to his friends, who are all keen to meet me after I''ve been the mysterious absentee girlfriend for so long. He tries to assure me that he finds me attractive, but it seems to worsen, not improve things.
What really boggles my mind about this not-quite-technically-BDD is that I see women larger than me and think they look lovely, whereas thin women look bland and uninteresting to me, and I wonder why men are attracted to them. But all of that goes out the window when I look at myself in the mirror. At times I feel physically nauseated at what I see.
I''m also furious that I have this issue still to this day. I imagine it''s not unlike an alcoholic, where you are always a ''recovering alcoholic'' and it''s something that you''ll never be free of, that temptation/danger is always there.