Birthdays-how do you and your DH/SO celebrate

[janinegirly]

I''m curios what others do routinely..particularly those who are married b/c that''s when all the romancing tends to wear off a bit.

My DH is not very good with special occassions. He remembers them, but it''s always something very minimal like dinner. And maybe a card. Which is nice, I''m not complianing, but once in awhile I wish he''d plan something special. Or get a present. Something that took thought and attention. NOw that we have a little one, I kind of anticipate even the dinner option won''t be happening, or won''t be anything that is special. DH is very busy with all kinds of things we have going on now (financial stuff), so I have a feeling he will say I''m being moody and expecting too much if I express these thoughts. Which is why I''m curious what others do? Is it unusual to not exchange gifts for each others'' b''days? As for me, I usually always try to get him a little present (plus dinner) or I plan a trip for us. But I don''t do these things expecting the exact same thing in return..

 

[Skippy123]

This is sort of a similar thread https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/how-important-is-your-birthday.110897/
Hubby takes me out to dinner and lunch. My family takes me out to dinner.

 

[KimberlyH]

If we can swing it we take a trip around the time of our birthdays (June/July) and call it our presents. I usually buy something and tell DH it''s my birthday present. I don''t want/expect him to do anything special, I like my birthday but I''m happy as long as he acknowledges it (a card, dinner out).

 

[janinegirly]

ah I see there was a similar thread..

i guess it''s true that it might have something to do w/how people are raised, but I still feel for one day a year, why not do something out of the ordinary? Dinner out is very nice, but at least for us, is not out of the ordinary..especially now with a baby--it probably won''t be that enjoyable (no babysitters yet!). The problem is, when I try to explain this to DH (that I''d like something that took some thought) he gets annoyed and makes me feel like I''m being dramatic and selfish! A few times he has not said "happy b''day" first thing in the morning,...he always eventually does, but it kind of bothers me. It''s a catch 22, because if I communicate that it bothers me (or why) he takes it personally and then again makes me feel like I''m being selfish again.

sadly this happens on every event (mother''s day, xmas, anniversary), but I take my bday the most personally because it really is the only day that is yours alone (other ones involve other family members too, and our anniversary actually falls on my daughter''s b''day .. or the other way around, lol). I don''t know, mabye it is a bit selfish of me.

 

[Skippy123]

I don't think it is selfish; I guess have a talk with hubby and tell him how important it is to you and be specific with what you like (my hubby likes when I tell him what I like (he asked me to do that) because he can't read my mind). My hubby saw that my family always made bdays fun so he understood where I was coming from.

 

[KimberlyH]

It's not selfish, it's just different wants. I love greeting cards, those make me most happy on my birthday, I was blunt about it when we started dating and he's never forgotten.

My husband is extrodinarily thoughtful on a day-to-day basis, which I think makes me care a lot less about my birthday or other holidays being acknowledged in a big way.

 

[janinegirly]

good idea skippy. Problem is it almost always turns into an argument--b/c he takes it personally and it does come off as me being petty. And then inevitably any subsequent b''day event is ruined b/c now it feels forced and awkward,etc etc.

half the time it''s better for me to stay silent, but then I am disappointed.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 6/12/2009 10:33:32 AM
Author: KimberlyH
It''s not selfish, it''s just different wants. I love greeting cards, those make me most happy on my birthday, I was blunt about it when we started dating and he''s never forgotten.

My husband is extrodinarily thoughtful (he picks out foods he knows I''ll like at the grocery store, puts a bottle of water by the bed before I go to sleep in case I get thirsty, walks me to my car every morning, etc.) so I don''t care about my birthday or other holidays being acknowledged in a big way, he''s amazing to me every day in small ways and that''s much more preferable to me.

well see that''s the thing Kimberly, your DH is naturally thoughtful so that''s all that matters! That''s actually what I''m looking for..something that reflects it took thought..ie did something he thinks I would like. To me a routine dinner (or whatever is routine) feels like autopilot and fulfilling an obligation. At least with a present it takes some thought.
Geesh I''ve turned this into a vent about me thread, sorry!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 6/12/2009 10:34:34 AM
Author: janinegirly
good idea skippy. Problem is it almost always turns into an argument--b/c he takes it personally and it does come off as me being petty. And then inevitably any subsequent b''day event is ruined b/c now it feels forced and awkward,etc etc.

half the time it''s better for me to stay silent, but then I am disappointed.

What if you planned your own birthday and told him what you guys were doing? Maybe this would give him some direction regarding what you''d like from him?

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 6/12/2009 10:37:56 AM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 6/12/2009 10:34:34 AM
Author: janinegirly
good idea skippy. Problem is it almost always turns into an argument--b/c he takes it personally and it does come off as me being petty. And then inevitably any subsequent b''day event is ruined b/c now it feels forced and awkward,etc etc.

half the time it''s better for me to stay silent, but then I am disappointed.

What if you planned your own birthday and told him what you guys were doing? Maybe this would give him some direction regarding what you''d like from him?

hmm, he would love that b/c then he''d be off the hook! I don''t know, that just doesn''t fulfill the want/need I have to be made to feel special for one day. Planning my own b''day just sounds sad to me...

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 6/12/2009 10:37:14 AM
Author: janinegirly

Date: 6/12/2009 10:33:32 AM
Author: KimberlyH
It''s not selfish, it''s just different wants. I love greeting cards, those make me most happy on my birthday, I was blunt about it when we started dating and he''s never forgotten.

My husband is extrodinarily thoughtful (he picks out foods he knows I''ll like at the grocery store, puts a bottle of water by the bed before I go to sleep in case I get thirsty, walks me to my car every morning, etc.) so I don''t care about my birthday or other holidays being acknowledged in a big way, he''s amazing to me every day in small ways and that''s much more preferable to me.

well see that''s the thing Kimberly, your DH is naturally thoughtful so that''s all that matters! That''s actually what I''m looking for..something that reflects it took thought..ie did something he thinks I would like. To me a routine dinner (or whatever is routine) feels like autopilot and fulfilling an obligation. At least with a present it takes some thought.
Geesh I''ve turned this into a vent about me thread, sorry!

Janine, I edited my post because it sounded a bit icky/braggy, I''m glad you didn''t take it that way. And it''s okay to talk about you, you''re seeking a solution to a problem. If planning your own day doesn''t appeal to you how about saying "I want to do anything BUT go out to dinner on my birthday; I don''t care what you plan as long as it isn''t that" and see what he comes up with.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I love my DH (of course) but he is NOT the most thoughtful. I basically have to tell him exactly what I want. Usually we just do dinner, card and a gift.

 

[janinegirly]

tacori: sounds like your DH and mine have a few things in common!!

kim: ok well i actually said that this morning...that "I would like to not do just diinner this year". He said "well what DO you want then" (in sarcastic tone). I said, well if we don't do a trip, maybe a present. He said "PRESENT??!!". So that's what got me thinking...if it was just me that thought presents were an appropriate thing for a birthday! I know every year I inevitable get asked what he got me and I always make up some excuse ("we don't do gifts, kind of not into that"..blah blah). Really what I need is a 3rd party to go in and set him straight

, b/c if it comes from me, I think he doesn't take it seriously and thinks I'm just being petty/starting arguments.

ETA: I think alot of this does come from DH's upbringing in his defense. His family also gave no gifts/cards when our child was born...while my entire family (including distant relatives who I'd never met) went overboard and gave too much.

 

[KimberlyH]

It sounds like you''re stuck between a rock and a hard place. What about having your mom give him some hints?

 

[tyty333]

You sound a bit bummed about this janinegirly...I''m so sorry but I''m not sure you can get him to do
what you want unless he reallly wants to change. I think you are going to have to help him a long the
way. Maybe give him 5 different ideas and let him pick one. You dont have to plan it all out but just
give him some basic ideas and let him go from there. Hopefully he wont drop the ball and will do the
research and finish the planning.

If its any consolation, we just usually go out for dinner and I pick my own birthday gift (which I like

.)
I''m a SAHM and my husband works very hard. Between work, taking care of the yard, pool, cars and
himself, he is pretty busy. I try to take the pressure off of him by just telling him what I want and where
to go.

 

[princesss]

We buy each other presents. Neither of us are terribly good at knowing what to get, since we have everything/are broke/are picky, so usually part of our birthday is walking around returning a not-quite-right present and looking for a good one.

For example, this year he got me a really nice mirror. It wasn''t quite right, so we returned the mirror and got a ring resized instead. I got him a season of Arrested Development, a book on hiking with your dog, and a bike computer. It turns out the reason I''d heard of a bike computer was because he got himself one a while back and had been telling me about it!

So we returned that and are still on the hunt for a good replacement gift.

 

[Haven]

janine--I think our DHs are similar. Mine isn''t big into acknowledging birthdays or other big occasions, and for the first few years we were together I would get really bummed out by this. He''s also not an affectionate person at all, so he''ll never reach for my hand to hold, or put his arm around me, or anything like that.

I was really unhappy about this for a while before we were even engaged, and for a short time I thought that perhaps it was a deal breaker for me. I didn''t feel loved, and I confronted him about it.

It turned out that we have very different ideas about what it means to show our love for someone. DH was doing a lot of things to show me that he cared, but I wasn''t noticing them. (He''d find street parking before I came over so I could park in his garage instead of on the inner drive, he''d stock his condo with food he knew I liked before the weekend if he knew I''d be spending the day there, etc.) Meanwhile, I was writing him little surprise notes and telling him sweet things.

The problem? He appreciates it when I am thoughtful in the way he was being thoughtful--by anticipating his needs, and I appreciate it when he is thoughtful in the way I was being thoughtful, by expressing my feelings in notes and physical affection. We both weren''t recognizing that the other was going out of the way to express affection, because we weren''t speaking each other''s language. Once we talked about it I learned to recognize and appreciate all the little things he does for me, and I also learned that if I really want to show him how much I care, I''ll do what he interprets as caring, and not what I interpret as caring.

Maybe you two just speak different languages when it comes to showing each other how much you care? I remember how utterly un-loved I felt until I realized that I was just misinterpreting all of his actions. Now, I do things like make sure he always has the toiletries he''ll need before he goes on a trip for work, and he writes me handwritten notes for birthdays and holidays. There are still times when I wish he''d emote more, but then I focus on how much he really does do, and it makes me feel better.