Biggest source of contention in your relationship with SO?

[missy]

I changed the title of this thread to reflect the main part of my question. But it started out asking this question.

Does your SO mind if you are a flirter?
And a follow up and the main question of this thread...
what is the biggest source of contention your your relationship with your SO?

After reading iLander's thread about your SO and flirting I started thinking about this topic. Do you flirt with others? Is your SO OK with it? What constitutes flirting in your opinion and when is it OK and when is it not OK?

I'll start. If whatever you are doing you would do in front of your SO and he/she would be OK with it then it is safe IMO. However if you are flirting in a way that you would never do if your SO was present then it is not OK. That is obvious I think.

What are your thoughts re flirting in general? And are you a flirter and is your SO OK with that or is it a source of contention?

And what is the biggest source of contention in your relationship?

Again I'll go first.

I asked my dh this question and he said the remote control lol.
It's not money, sex or family (at least not family any more lol).

My dh couldn't come up with one and that's good with me haha. But I think for us it is the division of how to spend our leisure time in the nice weather. If it were up to me we would be cycling all the time in good weather. My dh would like to divide it up more so he could do his woodworking projects and while he enjoys cycling he would prefer not to do it 8 plus hours a day when we are off in the good weather.

During the bad/too cold or wet for cycling weather we have a better division of time and don't argue at all about it. Mornings are for each of us to do whatever we want and we spend the afternoons and evenings together most of the time.

I am interested to hear what others are dealing with and how they are managing their biggest relationship issues.

 

[missy]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Another follow up question if anyone was able to get through my long winded first post haha.

Did the source of contention you are dealing with change from the beginning of your relationship to now?

Yes for us.

In the beginning it was my dh's family that caused us the most stress and it took some time (and a learning curve) and a self help book (Gottman's 7 principles for a successful marriage) to get us through successfully. Hint: Always put your SO first over anybody else including other family! You are a team going through life and that is how you always must be. Support your SO first and foremost and the rest will work out if you do that.

After we worked the family issue through it was and still is pretty easy sailing for us. Together less than some of you (16 plus years) we are still going strong. Solid relationship and very happy.

Interestingly and not surprisingly the family issue popped up early in our dating relationship so when experts say pay attention because when you are dating all the signs of potential issues exist they are right. We did deal with it during our dating relationship but not successfully enough as during our first year of marriage we were still dealing with these issues albeit in a less invasive way and finally we got a handle on it and are still successful in dealing with the family issues.

Life is quite peaceful still regarding those issues and I am supremely grateful for that. I can see how if you are not on the same page as your SO with family issues you might be subjected to lots of misery and aggravation and relationship stress to the point of it not working out. Critical IMO to be on the same page.

 

[Ally T]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

This will be an interesting thread!

For me, yes, I would say I am a flirt. Always have been, always will be. My husband prefers the word 'charming' as I have an ability to talk people around to my understanding, way of thinking, ideas etc. It is nothing I would ever take too seriously or too far, and its nothing I would never do I front of him. I 'charm' both males & females & I enjoy it. He enjoys it too, but just prefers to term it that I have ' usual looks & the gift of the gab'. (When I say unusual btw, I don't mean I look weird! I am from very mixed heritage, so have mothers Greek & Egyptian dark curly hair, olive skin, full mouth & fathers Irish very bright blue eyes.) My husband is very attractive, extremely funny & has dimples when he smiles. He can work people almost as well as I can, but he's quite shy & by default that makes him very sweet

As for my main irritations within my marriage, it would absolutely be his constant sport on whichever radio or TV he passes, not being able to put his iPhone down in case he misses something on Fbook or Twitter, which drives me to the point of wanting to cut him, as his hand is GLUED to his phone, and lastly, which I have made no secret about the fact that if I ever chose to leave him it would be over this one, is his vile anger when watching his football team play. He SCREAMS at the TV with no regards for who is here or the fact that it has on occasion driven my young children to tears. His language during these moments is disgustingly unacceptable & only last Wednesday evening my just turned 5 year old daughter said the F word. She has no idea what it means & it wasn't in context (they were playing Eye Spy & the clue was the letter F) but I simmered & bubbled quietly until I was home & I could message him their conversation. It completely infuriates me. I have raised it a hundred times, confrontational, angrily & even just last week by way of a hug, a kiss & a quick word in his ear very gently. But it continues

 

[tyty333]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

I'm not a flirter, neither is my DH. We're both engineer types so we're pretty dry in that department .

Biggest area of contention...travel. I love to travel and he would rather not.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Neither one of us are flirts.

The biggest source of contention {IMO, at least} is that he has developed a hoarding problem. He doesn't feel comfortable unless he's surrounded by piles of things--clothes, newspapers, ANYTHING. I can stumble upon lottery tickets from 2003, electrical bills from 2008--he cannot let anything go. And it's a real problem for me as clutter exacerbates my bipolar condition. For a while I felt like I was living in a combination recycling station and Kohl's dressing room. I spent most of my time either at the gym or in my room {we stopped sleeping in the same room about 20 years ago due to his industrial strength snoring}. I demanded he see a therapist and he did...but nothing happened, he only went to placate me. I saw a lawyer. But we have since reached a compromise: He can have the dining room and the basement and HIS room in which he can clutter to his hearts content and the rest of the house is kept clutter free.

Things are great now since we agreed to this. I just wanna die first because I couldn't handle going thru all his crap.

 

[kenny]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

I'll be frank.
We are extremely different.
I doubt 99% of people would stay together with someone that different, but here we are 14 years later still together.
There must be enough of that mysterious glue to keep things together.

We love each other as people but, deep down, I think we both just don't want to be alone.
It's not easy to find the perfect person.
They say perfect is the enemy of good-enough.

That people vary thing comes in handy.

It's not a storybook romance.
But this is not a story ... it's real life ... and I'm a practical & realistic guy.

 

[Ally T]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Ditto, Kenny....

He is my best friend & I adore him. But we are VERY different...

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

I don't talk to strangers. I am a very shy person..

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Neither one of us are flirts.

The biggest source of contention {IMO, at least} is that he has developed a hoarding problem. He doesn't feel comfortable unless he's surrounded by piles of things--clothes, newspapers, ANYTHING. I can stumble upon lottery tickets from 2003, electrical bills from 2008--he cannot let anything go. And it's a real problem for me as clutter exacerbates my bipolar condition. For a while I felt like I was living in a combination recycling station and Kohl's dressing room. I spent most of my time either at the gym or in my room {we stopped sleeping in the same room about 20 years ago due to his industrial strength snoring}. I demanded he see a therapist and he did...but nothing happened, he only went to placate me. I saw a lawyer. But we have since reached a compromise: He can have the dining room and the basement and HIS room in which he can clutter to his hearts content and the rest of the house is kept clutter free.

Things are great now since we agreed to this. I just wanna die first because I couldn't handle going thru all his crap.

This, but it's not conscious hoarding. He just doesn't deal with paper. He doesn't want it, but he doesn't prioritize getting rid of stuff. The consequence is piles.

 

[monarch64]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Flirting: Nah, my husband doesn't mind if I participate in a little silly exchange here and there. He thinks it's funny (I posted in the other thread that I think it's hilarious when women flirt with him). He even refers to some people as my "boyfriends." He'll come home and say "Oh, by the way I had lunch with your boyfriend so-and-so today." It's all in good fun and neither of us have jealousy or trust issues. Heck, last night I went out to watch his band play, and at one point he came off the stage down into the crowd of dancers and this chick started dancing VERYCLOSE to him. All I could do was laugh--it's an act, it's crowd-pleasing, and totally harmless.

Biggest source of contention? I don't know, hard to come up with anything serious. I can't remember the last time we got into a heated discussion, argument, or fight. We are usually too busy laughing at stuff and cracking jokes to get pissed at each other. I don't understand why he does some of the things he does sometimes but I don't turn it into a problem between us.

 

[ckrickett]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

My DH ability to derail a conversation by being nitpicky about analogies. Its weird that it is a thing, but OMG it pushes my buttons. I will be talking in hypotheticals, and he immediately will correct me and go off on long tangents about how this little 30 sec-1 minute analogy is wrong and this is how you do it, and it would never work. and OH MY STARS! I can give specific examples but its annoying.

other then that though his weird pessimism about everything too.

He however a perfect partner and I know I am overtly sensitive about these things though.

 

[pearaffair]

My DH is a wonderful man and I am so lucky to be with him. Our biggest source of contention for me is that he is by chatty. He can't small talk at all. It makes me feel very lonely at times.

Probably his biggest source of contention with me is that I'm messy ! Trying to get better, but at hard. To combat this, I try to be a minimalist. If I own less stuff, I can leave it all around!

 

[chemgirl]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

He has no pain tolerance. Like he stubs his toe and cries. Paper cut he rolls around freaking out. Turns his head, strains his neck and moans in pain. This happens several times per day. Strangers in public will stop and ask him if he is OK.

I could deal with this, but he seems to think that his responses are normal and if I don't freak out then I'm fine. I have colitis, have had multiple late miscarriages, was in a bike accident this year where I tore part of my knee and required surgery. He thinks these things don't hurt because I don't carry on like a five year old who wants attention.

Everything that happens to me is no big deal because I don't cry about it. A hang nail is the end of the world for him.

I hate it. I feel like he is doing it for show. Like he got attention from his mom for similar behavior adis transferring those responses to me.

Gah.

Eta: more rant. With the bike accident I was actually laying on the ground bleeding. There was a loud crunch and pop sound when I fell. I told him I couldn't stand up. But I must be OK because I was talking and not crying. I just needed to walk it off. If that was him the world would have been coming to an end. Call the ambulance. No trying to bike the 15 miles home to avoid the transportation fees.

 

[ame]

His laziness. He does jack squat around the house (besides make messes!) and it is what we fight over the most. It has always been an issue(the laziness) but the longer we've been together the worse it's gotten and the bigger an issue it has become. It was no surprise and his mom rides him about it too, but it makes all of us absolutely insane with rage at various points of the day/week/month. It becomes a battle of wills.

 

[sonnyjane]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

I have to say I have one of the best husbands ever. Not that he is the best man ever and that other husbands aren't great too, but he is great FOR ME. He basically lets me get away with murder. If I want to go out for drinks with the girls, he'll drop me off and pick me up. I don't cook, I don't really clean, don't do his laundry... He is self sufficient in all regards. Our bone of contention, however, is his addiction to a cellphone game. He plays it SOOOOO much. I'll sometimes wake up at 3 AM and see that he is over there playing it. We don't, however, fight much about it, because he told me that he would cut back if I cut back on forums and Facebook and frankly I didn't want to so, game on lol!

ETA: chemgirl reminded me of another one. Yes, the pain tolerance!! He has a lot of things wrong with him, so I get that he is likely legitimately in pain, but what that means is that when I am legitimately in pain, I always feel he dismisses it. He doesn't explicitly say it but I always get a vibe that he doesn't take my injuries or ailments seriously. I rarely complain as it is but I find myself often saying things like "I know you don't believe me but this really hurts."

 

[missy]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

I enjoyed reading everyone's responses. Thank you for sharing.

Someone once told me the biggest and most important decision you can make in your life is who you marry (and if you marry) and I agree with that. That and choice of career and whether or not to have children. 3 of life's most important decisions.

 

[azstonie]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

He wont get rid of stuff. He has a room in the house that is exclusively his and its filled with things going back to grad school (1992). He also has one of our two garages that is his shop. To my eye, its a complete mess, but its his space to do with as he pleases.

All I want is a spot in our house to put a functional desk and office equipment. I guess I need an entire room that is the office, dammit!!!!!

 

[lorrissey]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Cleanliness (laziness). On the clean scale, I'm at 9 out 10. My husband if I would let him would be a 3 out of 10. With my urging, he's at a 5 out of 10. In general, it's what starts our bickering. But mostly, I get to a point where I'm just worn out/tired and need help with the cleaning. In general, I have accepted the fact that my standards of cleanliness are higher and if I want that, I have to do it myself. But it would be nice if the husband could help me when I do get to the super worn out/at my wit's end/need a break without the nagging/us having to bicker about him picking up my created slack because of my high standards. It would be nice if things got done without me having to ask so often. But humans are not mind readers so if I want something I have to ask for it.

 

[EvangelineG]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

My H's neuro/mental illness and all the fallout from that. Honestly, almost every day is hard.

In our "before' marriage, we were one of those lucky couples who had similar rhythms and a great deal of harmony. There was very little contention. I am glad we had those years.

 

[amc80]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Mine is that he doesn't help much around the house. I was gone (with both kids) for the weekend, and came back to dishes in the sink, counters covered with stuff, and the dishwasher still not emptied. Oh, and he "forgot" to take out the trash on trash days, so now we have trash piling up. I also do 90% of the kid related stuff.

His would be my need to always be right. Which isn't necessarily true, I just don't like obviously wrong information hanging out there. For example, he tried to tell me he could use his enhanced driver's license as a column A item (meaning it could be used alone) for an I-9. I know this isn't true and tried to tell him, and he just got upset that I was correcting him.

 

[iluvshinythings]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

I'm not a flirt and neither is dh. We're polar opposites and he's a people-person and will talk to anyone. I've never felt he was over the line though.

Chemgirl and sonnyjane, I completely agree. My dh is quite a drama queen. I once tried to wax his uni-brow and he cried and carried on like he was dying. I was seriously afraid one of the neighbors was going to call the police. No pain tolerance at all!!!

The biggest source of contention is his family visiting. My family typically stays in hotels when we visit each other. Most of our visits on neutral territory so we meet somewhere. His family is not like that at all. His parents are divorced so I have two sets of in-laws to deal with. His bio-dad and step mom don't visit that often but it irritates me to no end when they do because they just send an email with the date of their arrival. They don't ask, they just do it. I spoke to his step-mom on Christmas day and she mentioned how excited she was about their upcoming visit. I had no idea what she was talking about but played along with her. When we got off the phone I asked dh and he said they were planning to visit in January but didn't set a date. About three weeks later I checked my email and found an email from them. They were arriving in three days for a five day visit. I'm also very against having visitors on work nights. I was livid!!!! That was our hugest fight to date. His bio-mom says she has anxiety about staying in hotels and her daughter (dh's sister) that lives in the same city as us doesn't have a guest room so her and step-FIL come to visit SIL/grandkids and stay with us. SIL never consults with us about family functions (birthday parties for the grandbabies, etc) so we've had to cancel plans several times in order to accommodate her and play hotel. I've expressed numerous times to DH that I have social anxiety myself and don't really like overnight guests. Because I love him I will tolerate overnight guests but I'd appreciate it if they'd communicate with me before making travel arrangements so that I don't have to cancel previous plans. However, that all falls on deaf ears. One of these days I'm going to pack him an overnight bag, change the locks and make him and his parents a hotel reservations.

Other than that we really don't have any issues that we haven't been able to resolve.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

A little flirting is fine either way in our marriage.

Biggest source of contention? My mother-in-law!

 

[rainwood]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

We were very different people, which was both one of the great things about our relationship (40+ years, 36 married) but also provided lots of opportunity for "active discussion." The most long-running one was money - I am a moderate spender and he was a serious saver, someone who started saving for retirement from his first paycheck out of college. We came up with a compromise that mostly worked, but occasionally created an issue. And he always liked to be early and I have what I call a fluid sense of time, never really late but never, ever early for anything. Drove him nuts sometimes.

As for flirting, we had one episode that turned out to be quite interesting because it combined all those things. We were on a hiking trip to the Cinque Terre in Italy (I was the one who pressed for us to take fun vacations), and this one woman on the trip just homed in on my husband (who was very, very good looking) and tried to flirt with him constantly, often in front of me. I found it annoying, but my DH was a little flattered but mostly just polite. One hike on the trip was supposed to start with a train ride to our starting point. We ended up standing around waiting at the train station for this woman who was late enough that we missed our train and had to wait an hour for the next one. She just did this silly, flirty "I'm such an airhead" explanation when she showed up, but never apologized for being late. She spent the rest of the trip still trying to flirt with my DH, and I wanted to pull her aside and say "I've been with this man for a very long time and I'm sometimes late, but I've never caused him to miss public transportation. You did. You might as well give up because you are dead to him now." And she was. About a year later, I spotted her in a cafe on the island where we had a weekend house. It was surprising because this is a small island and she lived in a completely different part of the country. I said to my husband, "Look, there's [her name]." DH was terrible with both names and remembering people so I said, "The woman who made us miss the train." He just said, "Oh, her" and went back to eating his lunch. Yep, she was dead to him. And I was kind of glad.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

We are very different people but we get along surprisingly well because we are both fairly laid back, and tolerate each others inadequacies. Our main source of contention would probably be his vices....he smoked pot when we first dated and early in the marriage, but that caused so much friction between us especially after the birth of my first child that he finally quit. But then he started vaping (e-cigs) and did THAT a lot, and I get on his case about that all the time , so that he has reduce the frequency and does not do it in front of me. He also drinks too much IMO. I admit, I'm a drinker, and tend to have a glass after work each day, but I stop at a glass. He can pour me a glass, and finish the rest of the bottle himself. I wish he would cut all smoking/vaping/drinking but that would probably make him intolerable

Other than those vices, he is a great husband. He loves to clean up my messes, he is good with finances, he is a great dad to my kids, and he is thoughtful (bought me my sugar-free hot chocolate on his supermarket run yesterday because he noticed I was out).

 

[jordyonbass]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Apparently we flirt with people all the time. I dunno, I always thought we were just nice and cordial people

The most major point of contention that we have right now is that we are moving soon and we both have differing ideas of what we want in our new place so that would be a point of contention by definition (but not one that is driving a wedge between us). Then there's cabochon machines - we want to buy one and we keep arguing over which one we should buy.
Oh and the radio in the car, she generally wants pop music and I always crave listening to my music at insanely high volumes

I suppose if those are the biggest things that we argue about then there's not too much to complain about

 

[packrat]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Hmm...source of contention..
He makes fun of things I like. Music..We have a lot of similar interests musically, but there are things he doesn't like and he sees no problem changing the station if I'm listening to it, and making fun of it while doing it. He enjoys fighting/sparring/boxing etc, but doesn't care for taekwondo, doesn't consider it a "real" form of self defense, so when the kids have asked him to join, he tells them no, but it's in such a way that to me it sounds like derision. I enjoy fantasy novels, like Dragonlance and Forgotten Realms-he thinks they're stupid and would snark about them and how I secretly wanted to marry an elf and live in a mushroom.

Things like that, that just make me feel like what I enjoy is of no importance to him and he's superior to me.

I could go into the fact that things don't get done around here unless I do them or I ask my dad to do them, or I bitch long enough..One of his coworkers called the other day and I had to try to walk thru the piles of shoes in the closet that is now the entry way to our shop and his coworker said "Well, if you wouldn't just throw them all into a big pile you wouldn't be tripping over them. I heard ALL about it lady" and he called me something..like..not a harpy or a nag, but *something* that I can't remember and I was SO ticked. I wanted to take a picture of the closet---the shoe hangers that are there for people to put shoes INTO instead of kicking them on the floor right inside the living room and explain to him that when I see 4 pairs of shoes for each of the other three people who live in this house scattered all over the floor rather than being put where they belong (and mine are all hung up), I wouldn't get pissed and just open up the door and chuck them in.

I'm less than a second class citizen in this house a lot of the times and that's a source of contention.

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

We are very different people. Recognizing that and making allowances for it is hard sometimes. Even when we go through the same experience (losing a cat for example) our processes are different for how we handle it. Being patient with each other and being kind and being aware of the other person's state of mind is an ongoing challenge when we are both stressed out and upset.

Other than that finances. I am terrible with them. And so the bulk of the responsibility falls on hubby which he resents to a degree.

Just normal marriage stuff.

We work on it. Having a foundation of trust and love and long history together helps. So does clear and open communication (which is sometimes hard to do when you are all cluttered up inside your head and heart).

 

[Gypsy]

Re: Biggest source of contention in your relationship with S

Neither of us are flirts. We both were when single but we both have very firm boundaries about that now. Now if someone flirts with me I just stare at them until they go away. Or say "Well, that was inappropriate." DH is nicer than I am and he has a 'white knight' complex which has gotten him into trouble. If he's out at a bar with friends (happened at his nephew's bachelor party) and he sees a woman who is staggering drunk he considers it his duty to get her somewhere safe, whether that means calling her a cab or making sure her friends haven't abandoned her, and if they have calling someone to take care of her. It gets him into trouble because on occasion these grateful ladies have offered to thank him in... various 'creative' ways, at which makes everything worse.

So we have been working on that and made progress on it. How A) it is not your job to save every stupid woman out there and B) how to do it from a distance or do it in a safe way that doesn't put YOU in an awkward position.

I trust him, and he is genuinely horrified when these women who he is trying to rescue, decide that they want to be taken advantage of by him, so I kind of find it funny. But I also find it dangerous. And so that's something that we've made progress on with "what could you have done differently" scenarios.

He did try to help a 70 year old drunk woman in a bar once and ended up getting seriously groped all over the dance floor-- not to mention propositioned-- for his trouble. I was there and didn't lift a finger to help. I was admittedly laughing too hard. Oh, and taking pictures. I considered it an object lesson on the dangers of being a 'white knight.' And again... laughing too hard.