BIG MISTAKE

[romanticcop]

I feel so stupid!
My girl and I got into a HUGE fight

and she aked me what I had been doing away from the house so much. I couldn''t take it anymore, so I spilled the beans and let her know that I had been shopping for a ring and that I was fixing to ask her. Of course her response was "GREAT NOW YOU''VE DESTROYED EVERYTHING!".......I am at a loss for words. Is there any sign of hope or renewing the surprise, provided we work it out in the morning?

 

[quaeritur]

Oh, I'm so sorry! That stinks

.

I hope you work things out quickly and that you can still surprise her. Do you have the ring already? If not, maybe you could invite her to join you in the search for the perfect one?

I bet when she sees how much effort you've put into it she'll come around...Hang in there!

 

[chrono]

RomanticCop, I'm sorry to hear that. That was a no win situation. At that point, she would have fumed at your other fake excuses anyway, so telling the truth isn't all that bad (at least she would not think you were seeing someone else).

You have two options now.

One is to shop with her. The plus side of this is that you get to pick out what SHE likes. After that, just tuck the ring away for a few weeks/months until you are ready. She'll be really antsy by then and most likely the bling will have made her forget about how mad she was.

The second is to just say nothing at all and keep her in suspense. Shop for the ring on your own.
Do not mention or even hint at anything. After a while she'll either be just dying with curiousity and perhaps even sort of forget all about it. So you'll still have an element of surprise.

Good luck!

 

[Gale]

Please don't feel stupid. What else could you do? Chrono is right. There was nothing you could do at the time to get rid of those hard feelings. She will most likely realise that nothing has been spoiled, and will probably regret those terrible words.

All is not lost. It's up to you whether or not to involve her in the hunt for the perfect ring. Personally, if I were her, I would love to be involved in shopping for that ring, especially since she now knows what you have been up to. This is the perfect opportunity to get her ring size absolutely right, and to find out what she would like to have in a ring. Just drag her into a jewlery store to try some things on. Perhaps you can go online together to pick out a few styles she likes and leave the rest up to you. This would leave some element of surprise and will ensure you end up with something she truly loves. Once you have the ring, it can be tucked away until you decide the perfect moment has arrived.

You can still manage to sweep her off her feet with a romantic proposal. So it won't be a big surprise when you get around to asking. Perhaps this is for the best. Surprise isn't everything. She can draw some great comfort from knowing you really want to marry her and knowing that a proposal is in the offing. That's got to be a very special feeling - knowing that you want to commit to her and you treasure her enough to go to great lengths to try to surprise her. The point afterall, is that you love her, and she loves you.

 

[Audrey Hepburn]

I can tell back the fact that this was written at 3:40 in the morning, that you did not have a good night. Relax, first things first-

1. Time to breathe and figure out what the fight was about. Was this just a blowout fight over something trivial that got way out of hand, or is there a sign of something else going on that may signify larger problems in the relationship? Either way, all is not lost, but recurrent problems now will not go away once the rings are on your fingers.....

2. Kiss and make up, if this is possible. If this was a run -of -the -mill fight, and you are serious enough to want to marry this girl, then your relationship should be more than able to withstand a few brawls now and again. If this was a bigger issue coming to surface... see #1. Have a great dinner out, or make her dinner, or go putt-putting, or do something completely silly, and most importantly TALK (and LISTEN)!!!

3. Now for the tricky part. During the fight, you probably responded to something she said with an internal dialog like this, "She thinks something's going on and that's why I'm gone? Well, she doesn't even KNOW!" and then you blurted out about the ring. At that point she probably was thinking, "I am so MAD at this man and now he wants to marry me" and female mental craziness ensues

. I can say this because I AM a female, and I speak from personal experience about mental craziness during tiffs with my SO. But you have NOT runined everything, like she claims (she was just furious at that point).

Did you two ever talk about getting married? Did you ever talk about rings? Is this something she wants to do? Many people on this board were VERY involved in picking the ring, and so the men in their lives had a more difficult time "suprising" them. But if you read their engagment stories, when it did happen, it was no less magical and romantic than the stories from the women who had no idea the ring was coming. So relax for a few days, get back to that happy place you two were in before, and then wait a while. If she loves you, in the end it really WON'T matter that she knows you want to ask her. In fact, many intuitive women kinda "know" already, even if you haven't talked about it. And in some respects, you probably SHOULD talk about it, about what you both want in the future, about how you want to raise kids, etc. But I digress
Now, if you still want to suprise her, it is possible (she'll know you have the ring, but the where and when and how is still up for grabs!) If things are going well between you, she will start DYING to know about the ring, when it will happen, what it will look like. Throw her off a little. Be vague about the ring, tell her you're still in the "looking" phase. Maybe do one or two "special" things BEFORE you actually pop the question - let her think "ooo, this might be the moment" but then don't propose (warning - don't do this too much or she WILL get pissed!)

And then at this point, you may want to enlist the help of one (or more) of her good friends to help you with the real "suprise" proposal. Have one of her friends (who you KNOW you can trust with this secret

) go out to lunch or dinner with her for a girl's night out while you stay home to watch X sporting event, or "go out with your buddies". All the while, have something romantic set up somewhere (candles, a beautiful table for two at your favorite place, a picnic lunch/dinner in a beautiful setting), and then go to that place to wait for her friend to somehow find an excuse to lead her to this place either after or on her way to the faux "girls night out." Her friend can say, "oh, we're meeting the girls at X tonight" or pretend to "get lost" on her way to some "new place" to eat.... you can play with it... This is not exactly the way you HAVE to do it, but by including her trustworthy friends (or even your trustworthy friends) in on arranging the suprise, it can REALLY throw her off. No one ever suspects that their OWN FRIENDS would be in on the proposal plans! This happened to a friend of mine, and even though she knew he had the ring, she was still TOTALLY caught off guard because she thought she was just going to be hanging out with her friends that night. And then, of course, tell your accomplices to get lost for a few hours, because you may want to just share the moments after the proposal with her alone.

Or not.

In summary: THINGS HAVE NOT BEEN RUINED!!

And just remember (as even I forget at times) it's not really about the ring or the suprise or the setting. It's about the love and the relationship you two have. (Awwwwwww......) Yes, cheesy, but true.

Just my humble opinion on the matter!
-AH

 

[moremoremore]

Hmmmm- I think women can be such babies about the engagement (I am one...a woman, that is)...I think she should apologize to YOU. So what, if it isn't this total surprise now? She'll get over it when you get her involved in diamond shopping!

 

[JimDiamond]

When I read this post I knew I really wanted to reply. Then I read what had already been posted. All I can say is, "WOW!" We have quite a reservoir of excellent advice here!

I agree with them. I think that you'll find that this situation is not at all as bad as you thought it was, and telling the truth really was your only option at that point. Any excuses you had given would have only inflamed the situation more and caused a deep wound which would have festered possibly causing many other problems. This way, the anger will quickly wear off and you're still left with lots of options as outlined above. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[fire&ice]

And, I think you both need to apologize to each other. Resolving conflict is very key in a relationship. And, more than likely, this to will pass. In the long haul, it may be part of the whole "proposal". Let the air clear & the dust settle.

In the immortal words of John Lennon - "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans."

 

[JennWit2Ns]

I agree with moremoremore. You had no other choice than to tell her. As they say, you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. You told her the truth and she got mad that u for ruining the surprise, but if you had lied she would have been pissed even more. It's not your fault. She should apologize to you .

 

[hoorray]

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On 7/22/2004 10:45:12 AM fire&ice wrote:

And, I think you both need to apologize to each other. Resolving conflict is very key in a relationship. And, more than likely, this to will pass. In the long haul, it may be part of the whole 'proposal'. Let the air clear & the dust settle.

----------------

I can't agree more. Conflict is a real part of a relationship. How you deal with it makes a big difference on how well your relationship will stand over time.

You'll probably have to regroup on your proposal plans, but that doesn't mean you can't make it special. To me, getting engaged is about the big committment to get married, not just the surprise and the ring.

 

[aljdewey]

Personally, I'd move forward very carefully. One of the huge elements in a successful marriage is trust. It's one thing to casually say, "hey, you haven't been around a lot lately - what's the scoop?". It's quite another to get into a raging fight over it.




Also, I'd respectfully point out that it wasn't you who ruined the surprise by being truthful. She was the one who asked, and faced with the choice of lying or telling the truth, you picked the right road. You told the truth. It was she who spoiled the surprise by doubting where you've been and lacking trust.

 

[JimDiamond]

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On 7/22/2004 12:24:26 PM aljdewey wrote:


Also, I'd respectfully point out that it wasn't you who ruined the surprise by being truthful. She was the one who asked, and faced with the choice of lying or telling the truth, you picked the right road. You told the truth. It was she who spoiled the surprise by doubting where you've been and lacking trust.

----------------

I don't think you will need to "point that out". She got upset that the surprise was spoiled (as she perceived it at that moment). She was probably as angry with herself for "spoiling it" as she was at you, but in the heat of the moment she took it out on you. As she has time to think about it and calm down I think she'll realize that lying to her to protect the secret would only have made things worse. Also I don't think it's about trust. My girlfriend and I trust each other a lot, but it would be disrespectful to each other to suddenly be disappearing for periods of time with no explanation or flimsy excuses. Nonetheless you should examine these ideas in the context of your relationship. You're the only one who knows what your relationship is like.

 

[rms]

You've been given some great advice here. How long have you 2 been together? My fiance and I have been together a little over 3 years, and let me tell you, we have fought some big fights. More than 1 person has it is a sign of love in some ways. Figuring out how to forgive and understand is the biggest challenge I think. Not holding a grudge...

 

[fire&ice]

..and there are times when you have to agree to disagree.

 

[Bethanying]

My best friend's now husband took her to her college town to the first place they kissed to propose, and they had picked out a ring together... Needless to say she knew it was coming. But she says nothing can describe the feeling she felt that night, and even knowing it was coming it was the most special moment of her life. Even if now she knows, nothing will take away from your special moment together.

Bethany

 

[Audrey Hepburn]

Chris Rock was once quoted saying something very funny, and true. I don't remember the exact quote but it was something like:

"You've never really loved someone if you haven't ever felt like killing them."

Let's not take it literally, of course - but did I laugh out loud when I read that!

-AH

 

[moremoremore]

Audrey Hep- he is so funny...so vulgar but so funny...I love when he talks about poor Zigfried (?) and Roy..
"That tiger didn't go crazy...that tiger went tiger"

 

[reena]

Yes--I think the Chris Rock quote went something like, "If you've never found yourself practicing alibis in the mirror. . . ."

Hang in there. I think you've gotten some great advice, and I'm sure she was mostly just mad at herself for spoiling the surprise. I'm sure it will work out.

 

[Judi W]

I am with those that say....now that she knows....she should participate in picking out the diamond and the ring. Many of our happiest customers are those that had their girl picking her own diamond and setting and then turning the final purchase over to her guy. It's still a thrill to see the finished product and that way she will be wearing a ring that she really really loves! Like the old saying gos..."when life gives you lemons...make lemonade. Shop together....and try to enjoy the experience!

 

[quaeritur]

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On 7/22/2004 5:58:26 PM reena wrote:

Yes--I think the Chris Rock quote went something like, 'If you've never found yourself practicing alibis in the mirror. . . .'

Hang in there. I think you've gotten some great advice, and I'm sure she was mostly just mad at herself for spoiling the surprise. I'm sure it will work out.----------------

Ditto that. I've done that to my husband before. I'm usually just angry about something unrelated, and then the littlest thing sets me off... I know the feeling of being mad at myself over something very similar, and I did end up apologizing. But I agree that a successful relationship is defined by how conflicts are resolved, not by the conflicts themselves. Hope it's all worked out by now!

 

[fire&ice]

Any updates?

 

[romanticcop]

Hey all,
Thank you for all of the support and advice in a sticky situation. I appologize about not keeping everyone informed of our status, but here it goes...
All is well on the home front. We had a lengthy discussion, made up and the proposal is still on! My only obstacle now, is proposing with the same element of surprise that I originally intended.
I realize that I failed to inform everyone of my ring and proposal plans, so here they are. Prior to the argument, I was arranging the proposal sight,choosing the ring, going over details and making personal modifications to the ring. Therefore I think I can still keep it a surprise since I can eliminate her from shopping with me. Don't worry, she kind of helped me pick it out already. Here recently she and I "just happened" to browse through the store I had been shopping at and she coincedentally picked out the same ring that I've had my eye on for some time. Now I think the hardest part is going to be waiting until she forgets in order to bring back the element of surprise?
Any ideas how long it should take before she won't expect it again? Or how I could make it seem like it's not going to happen any time soon?
Once again Thank you to everyone who took the time to share ideas and advice in a tough time!

 

[quaeritur]

Oh, I'm so glad to hear it's all worked out between the two of you. My best ideas for keeping it a surprise? Don't do it on a special date (you know, like Valentine's!) or in an elaborate way. I remember reading a proposal where the guy just showed up at the gal's office and proposed right there, in front of her colleagues. Aside from getting her out of having to work for the rest of the day, that just seemed so sweet and spontaneous to me.

Or, you could set up a decoy event. Make a fuss over something and plan something elaborate, so she'll think she knows when it's coming, then do it before or after that. The moment will be so special no matter when it comes, or even how much of a surprise it is, that I don't think it even matters that she knows it's in the works. My husband is rarely able to surprise me... and I just had a feeling about when he'd propose, but even so, the moment it actually happened, my knees went weak and the butterflies took over my stomach.

I wish you all the best, and please do come back and let us know how it went!

 

[Gale]

It's so nice things have worked out between the two of you. You could still go with your pictures in the park idea. Use the gift certificate for the sitting idea another poster mentioned as cover. You could even have one of your friends give the certificate to you while over at your place with the reason: some guy was handing these out at the mall. I took two and thought you guys might like one. When you talked about all of this stuff with her and if you let her know the big event would be several months from now, then sooner, rather than later, would probably surprise her.

 

[fire&ice]

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On 7/26/2004 7:20:21 AM Gale wrote:

When you talked about all of this stuff with her and if you let her know the big event would be several months from now, then sooner, rather than later, would probably surprise her. ----------------

Hey, I was thinking the same thing. Do it now!