BF has the ring! But now my sister is engaged...

[DietCokeBreak]

Hi ladies,

I have lurked here for a long time and appreciate the encouraging supportive community here. Please let me share my situation:

BF (37) and I (35) have been dating for just over a year. We met at work and fell almost instantly in love. We just knew it was right. For the last couple of months we''ve been planning engagement-- he just had the ring set, and the proposal was supposed to happen sometime in January. (We wanted to wait until the holidays were over.) I have never been so excited. Well, at least, I WAS excited.

My sister got engaged yesterday, and I''m thrilled for her. I really am. Except that we hardly know the man, they have only been dating 6 months, and they never even discussed marriage before getting engaged. He totally surprised her last night, and she said yes (though he wasn''t sure that she would). I know it sounds like I''m bitter, but I''m really not-- I love my sister and I want her to be happy. I do have concerns about the relationship, but we all just want her to be happy. (My brother says we''ll trust her for now, and if the guy turns out to be a creep he''ll just do some a**-kicking.)

But then there''s part of me that''s really bummed because I know my proposal was imminent, and we''d been planning it and working toward it for so long, and now it feels like I have no right to even be excited for myself. I don''t want to take anything away from sister''s happiness or take attention from her. But I''m 35-- we want to get married and start a family very soon.

What would you do? My BF and I were talking last night about putting off our engagement so that she can enjoy her own. Plus he thinks that if he proposes so soon afterward, it will look like he only did it because my sister is engaged. But we don''t want to wait. We wanted to be married this summer!

What do I do?

 

[Winks_Elf]

I would continue with the original plan to get engaged in January, and send out the save-the-date cards as soon as you announce the engagement. You''ve been planning this, and while it is nice that you don''t want to seem like you''re stealing your sister''s thunder, you and your bf have been planning not only the engagement, but when you are getting married as well. I''m sure you''re sister will be thrilled for you, especially if you''ve shared any of your plans with her over the past few months.

 

[BlueSki231]

I don''t see any reason how you getting engaged would take anything away from her happiness right now.

I see this question fairly often and I always think the same thing - why postpone it and plan your life around someone else''s life?

Do you really think that there would be people that thought that the only reason your BF proposed was because your sister got engaged? I mean, think of how absurd that sounds.

I guess you could put yourself in your sisters place. If you had just got engaged, and then your sister got engaged a month or two later, would you be upset that she ruined your happiness and knocked you out of the spotlight?
I know I wouldn''t be.. I''d be so happy to share the joy and excitement. And maybe even do some wedding planning together.

But that''s just me...

 

[CNOS128]

Yay!! He has the ring!

I think you should go ahead with the engagement as planned. Just make sure, when you''re planning your respective weddings, that they are far enough apart in time that it''s not a problem!

 

[Jena17]

This actually just happened to me. My brother and his gf had been dating for over 7 years and my Fiance and I have only been dating about a year, but we just knew as soon as we met each other that it was right we are both almost 30 and want to start our lives and had talked about having a Fall 2009 wedding and he talked to my parents about 2 months prior to us getting engaged, it happened to be the exact day my brother called my mom and told her he was planning on proposing to his gf... By the way his gf and I had a conversation about me and my fiance getting engaged by the end of 2008 and I know her and my brother had talked about our plans as well cause she told me, so I really think my brother thought that since I was getting married and had only been dating a year and he has been dating over 7 years that he better do something(he actually told me that), my mom just doesn''t know any of that.. They never talked about marriage or when they wanted to get married or anything and he wanted it a total surprise! Well it happens that my ring was being made and came in the exact weekend they were getting engaged and my mom called my Fiance and asked him to wait until after Thanksgiving to propose (when he wanted to do it that morning so we could announce it at Thanksgiving) but my brother was coming home from their weekend to announce their engagement. So my Fiance waited a week and didn''t want to wait any longer knowing we wanted an October wedding and wanted to give me time to plan it and he just wanted to be engaged so we can announce it to his family as well during Xmas! Well my mom was a little mad that he didn''t wait a little longer like in January (which he didn''t want to because all his family was going to be down for Xmas and wanted is "moment" with his family) since we had a trip planned but she is fine with it now, she is happy she just said she feels bad for my brother... We already have a date and most of the major plans done and my brother''s fiance wants to wait, she said she wasn''t ready to plan a wedding and thinks she wants to wait to finish the nursing program that she hasn''t even started yet... Sorry for the long story, but my mom was a little upset that we stole my brother''s "thunder"... Oh did I tell you that my brother already has been married and already had his thunder!! This is my first proposal/marriage! I am really happy for my brother but I don''t think anyone should have to wait to start their life just because of another sibling/friend/family member, etc is starting their own life!!! Good Luck!

 

[DietCokeBreak]

I am sorry to hear that, Jena. It''s a shame that your mother wasn''t more supportive of YOUR thunder! I think if I were in your shoes, I''d be very very hurt. I hope you had other supportive people in your life to celebrate you and your fiance when it happened!

I''m actually not sure what to do about my parents. FF had intended to talk to my dad in the next couple of weeks, so at the moment they have no idea that things are progressing so rapidly. Should I ask them how they would feel about having two of their children engaged at once? (God help us all if my brother decides to go for it with his GF any time soon!) My FF thinks it may be too overwhelming for them, and I know he''s even more nervous now about talking to my dad.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am hoping we will move forward according to plan, but it''s not really my decision-- I''m tempted to make FF read this thread!

 

[ckrickett]

I say keep going on with your plans. You guys have been planning it for awhile and I''m sure your sister knew that. Plus planning a wedding can be tough (or so I hear) and wouldn''t it be kinda fun to plan it with your sister, and vice versa!

 

[stephbolt]

I am in a somewhat similar situation with my sister right now - neither of us is engaged right now, but both of us will likely get engaged in spring/summer 2009. I think she feels like she has the "right" to get engaged first because she''s been dating her SO for 8 months longer than I have, but on the other hand, I am a year and a half older. Ultimately I would not be upset at all if she got engaged right after I did, I think it would just make it more exciting. However, I don''t think she would look at it the same way - like I said she feels like she should be first and I think would get upset/competitive over it. What type of person is your sister? Would it be possible for you to broach the subject with her ahead of time, so that she''s not shocked by it? Along the same line, are there any other family members who you would want to discuss it with? I think it''s very nice that you are concerned about your sister''s happiness, but you also shouldn''t put your own life on hold - happiness over engagements and weddings isn''t a zero-sum game!

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Hi DCB!

My situation is somewhat similar to yours. My sister and I are only 18 months apart in age. We both have been with our FI''s for over 3.5 years and were both awaiting engagements. She got engaged October 18th and I just got engaged Sunday (December 21).

I think that since we were so honest and open with each other about knowing that we would be getting engaged and married around the same time, it was fine. There was no shock that it happened for both of us so quickly, and we are so excited to help plan with each other and be each other''s MOHs. Just make sure you speak with her and make sure she won''t be upset- its not like you''re getting engaged the next day. I would just give a couple month buffer zone in there. Just because you get engaged doesn''t mean you stop being excited for her and wanting to help with her stuff too.

My sister is getting married June 27th and I am getting married August 29th (2 months, 2 days apart). Just be honest, open, and excited for each other. It sounds like your relationship will be fine, maybe even become closer because of this shared exciting times in your lives!

 

[diamondringlover]

I would say still go thru with you engagement, me and both of my sister all got engaged at Christmas of the same year!! we ended up having a triple wedding, it was fun, but it does kinda that the lime light away from you.

 

[gryffindor]

Family friends of ours had the brother (older by 3 years) and sister get engaged a few months apart from each other. The parents threw them a joint engagement party and it was a great time! They were set to get married only 3 months apart, but the sister had to push her wedding back another 6 months because her fiance's father died. The family threw a fantastic reception for the brother, and the sister's wedding was just as awesome. It worked out so well for that family that my parents and their friends always say how lucky that family is for having two wonderful weddings in the same year.

I think you should do it, especially since you want to get married soon!

 

[HollyS]

I''m constantly amazed at the family dynamics displayed on this and other forums. WHY is it always necessary for someone to walk on eggshells around their family, put off their own happiness, coddle their sisters egos, etc., etc., etc.?

Families who love do not worry about having two daughters engaged at one time. Loving sisters do not get jealous and demand individual status as the only one engaged or about-to-be-married. Are we all so self-involved that we cannot be happy, cannot share in the joy of such occasions, with our families, because it would ''take-away'' from ourselves?

You need to do whatever the heck you and your BF want to do. Not what someone else thinks you should. Not what your parents would want you to do. Not what your sister would say to do. You are too old, and you''ve waited too long, to let your family (or their issues) dictate the when, where, and how of your most important life moments.

Your BF needs to go ahead and plan a wonderful January proposal. . . . just as he intended.

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 12/23/2008 1:55:39 PM
Author: HollyS
I''m constantly amazed at the family dynamics displayed on this and other forums. WHY is it always necessary for someone to walk on eggshells around their family, put off their own happiness, coddle their sisters egos, etc., etc., etc.?

Families who love do not worry about having two daughters engaged at one time. Loving sisters do not get jealous and demand individual status as the only one engaged or about-to-be-married. Are we all so self-involved that we cannot be happy, cannot share in the joy of such occasions, with our families, because it would ''take-away'' from ourselves?

You need to do whatever the heck you and your BF want to do. Not what someone else thinks you should. Not what your parents would want you to do. Not what your sister would say to do. You are too old, and you''ve waited too long, to let your family (or their issues) dictate the when, where, and how of your most important life moments.

Your BF needs to go ahead and plan a wonderful January proposal. . . . just as he intended.

I agree 100%

 

[Jena17]

I would personally stay out of it and have your bf talk to your parents and ask for their blessing and see how they react! I acted like I knew nothing about the proposal, I stayed out of it. I was supported and helped my brother shop for rings and he knew my fiance and I already shopped and picked out a setting and I know my fiance told my brother his plans. So it wasn''t a surprise to him, my fiance even called and asked him the day before he wanted to propose if he would be hurt if he did it Thanksgiving morning... and my brother told him no, but then called my mom and told her what was going on and she was the one that didn''t like the idea of it so she stopped it!

I was very hurt, first when I called her and told her the news, she was like "what? he just did it at home? That''s weird... then laughed and then went on to say things like oh I thought he would have waited until at least January since you guys had a trip planned to Tahoe" and my fiance was right there hearing it all!!!! That was right after we got off the phone with his mother who was overly excited, welcoming me to their family!! So she didn''t like the timing or the place of the proposal and she is one of those controlling mothers where if it isn''t how she thinks it should be it''s wrong! She was even that way about the ring my brother picked out for his gf, she kept telling her that oh it''s nice but if you don''t like it you can always return it and get something else, or I wouldn''t size it until you are sure that is the ring you want! I felt bad for my brother''s fiance, she never said anything about not liking the ring and she even mentioned that it was rude and she was hurt by her comments, and I am sure it hurt my brother''s feelings! So, in the end she was the only one hurting our feelings!

But, anyways everything is fine now, she is happy for us, and our wedding plans are going great! I think she just didn''t know how to handle it and she was thinking more about the cost of planning two weddings and it stressed her out!

Just enjoy this time in your life!

 

[mrscushion]

I also think that you should go ahead with the plan and get engaged in January and get married this summer. I think your sister will draw so much joy and happiness out of her own engagement that it really should not matter how soon you and your SO get engaged. Plus, even if she does want a little time in the spotlight, what better time than the Holiday/New Year celebration season for her to get her fill of family and friends'' oohs and aahs. Also, even if "people talk," it should not concern you. It will be obvious to most people when you send out the save-the-dates that you have been planning this for a while. Lastly, as you say, at 35 and 37, you want to get married and start a family asap. You have a timeline and IMHO you should stick to it.

Congrats on your successful relationship and knowing your SO is "the one"! It sounds like you have a wonderful partnership.

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/23/2008 11:24:48 AM
Author:DietCokeBreak

BF (37) and I (35) have been dating for just over a year.

they have only been dating 6 months, and they never even discussed marriage before getting engaged.

i know this isn''t the point of the post but i have to throw it out there
you''ve been dating only 6 months longer than your sister and you think she is getting engaged a little too quickly? if it was only the last couple months you''ve been planning for the engagement that''s about the same time as she got engaged. just something to think about...maybe they have discussed marriage but didn''t want to share it with everyone else while they were doing it...

 

[DietCokeBreak]

Date: 12/23/2008 6:05:37 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 12/23/2008 11:24:48 AM
Author:DietCokeBreak

BF (37) and I (35) have been dating for just over a year.

they have only been dating 6 months, and they never even discussed marriage before getting engaged.

i know this isn''t the point of the post but i have to throw it out there
you''ve been dating only 6 months longer than your sister and you think she is getting engaged a little too quickly? if it was only the last couple months you''ve been planning for the engagement that''s about the same time as she got engaged. just something to think about...maybe they have discussed marriage but didn''t want to share it with everyone else while they were doing it...

Smurfy,

I realize now that''s how it sounds, but that''s not what I meant. Honestly, I don''t think 6 months is too soon to get engaged at all. But my sister flat out told me last night that they had never even discussed marriage, living together, or spending their lives together-- she had never even thought about marriage before he presented her with a ring. He just proposed out of nowhere, and he wasn''t sure she would accept it since they''d never even hinted at it before.

What concerns me is that they''ve agreed to spend their lives together without ever having serious discussions about what marriage entails, what their expectations are, how they will handle conflict, etc. These are important factors in deciding to spend forever with each other.

The only way length of relationship factors in, to me, is that if they''d been together a bit longer, I might have more confidence in her ability to make a decision like that on the fly. As it is, I worry that she just didn''t know what to say.

Does that make sense?

 

[emeraldlover1]

I think what you just said makes sense. I also think it makes sense for you to continue on with your plans. You are the one that wants to get married and start a family...why not now? We got engaged the same weekend as friends of ours and I didnt for a second feel less special when our friends threw us all a joint party.

 

[bee*]

I agree with Holly 100%. Go ahead with your plans as you had them.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Earlier this fall, I knew FI and I would be getting engaged, hopefully by the end of the year or early in 2009. I called my sister to tell her my suspicions, and make sure I wasn''t interfering in any plans that she had for her boyfriend whom she lives with. She was excited for me. I also made it clear to her that if she and her boyfriend got engaged in the same time frame, the more the merrier! Then, my guy really did propose, and once again, I let both my sister AND her boyfriend know that they did not need to hold on to any announcements for my sake... I said, "Hey, get engaged at my wedding! The more love, the better!" They both said that they are waiting until next year, and my sister even said she is very glad for me to go first because it takes the pressure off of her.


Honestly, I can''t imagine wanting my 34 year old sister to make her plans around mine, and I can''t imagine not being completely ecstatic for her. Now if she did something crazy like get married on the same day, we might have a problem, but under normal circumstances, I would love to share this time of joy with a loved one.


Maybe your sister feels the same way. Ask her.

 

[kittybean]

Date: 12/23/2008 1:55:39 PM
Author: HollyS
I''m constantly amazed at the family dynamics displayed on this and other forums. WHY is it always necessary for someone to walk on eggshells around their family, put off their own happiness, coddle their sisters egos, etc., etc., etc.?

Families who love do not worry about having two daughters engaged at one time. Loving sisters do not get jealous and demand individual status as the only one engaged or about-to-be-married. Are we all so self-involved that we cannot be happy, cannot share in the joy of such occasions, with our families, because it would ''take-away'' from ourselves?

You need to do whatever the heck you and your BF want to do. Not what someone else thinks you should. Not what your parents would want you to do. Not what your sister would say to do. You are too old, and you''ve waited too long, to let your family (or their issues) dictate the when, where, and how of your most important life moments.

Your BF needs to go ahead and plan a wonderful January proposal. . . . just as he intended.

AMEN. Full steam ahead for the January proposal and wedding this summer!

 

[honey22]

Date: 12/23/2008 1:55:39 PM
Author: HollyS
I''m constantly amazed at the family dynamics displayed on this and other forums. WHY is it always necessary for someone to walk on eggshells around their family, put off their own happiness, coddle their sisters egos, etc., etc., etc.?

Families who love do not worry about having two daughters engaged at one time. Loving sisters do not get jealous and demand individual status as the only one engaged or about-to-be-married. Are we all so self-involved that we cannot be happy, cannot share in the joy of such occasions, with our families, because it would ''take-away'' from ourselves?

You need to do whatever the heck you and your BF want to do. Not what someone else thinks you should. Not what your parents would want you to do. Not what your sister would say to do. You are too old, and you''ve waited too long, to let your family (or their issues) dictate the when, where, and how of your most important life moments.

Your BF needs to go ahead and plan a wonderful January proposal. . . . just as he intended.

Well said! Ditto

You are adults, you should realise that your engagement has nothing to do with your sisters engagement. Stop worrying about what everyone else will think and get on with getting engaged already!

 

[missjaxon]

i know this isn''t the point of the post but i have to throw it out there

you''ve been dating only 6 months longer than your sister and you think she is getting engaged a little too quickly? if it was only the last couple months you''ve been planning for the engagement that''s about the same time as she got engaged. just something to think about...maybe they have discussed marriage but didn''t want to share it with everyone else while they were doing it...[/quote]

I think you should do what feels right for you as a couple. Everybody moves through life at different paces and I don''t think that it necessarily means that you should have to put your life on pause to wait for or on somebody else. There is much to be said about being respectful of others and considerate, but at the same time doing what is right for you. I don''t think getting engaged a couple weeks after her would steal her thunder (it is not like it is the same day) and maybe you can talk wedding plans together?

and Smurfy, I just wanted to mention that sometimes statements like these come across extremely defensive on your part. This is not the first time I have seen a comment like this. It often takes a thread off topic and then in turn makes a poster have to explain themselves when they are genuinely seeking advice. I don''t mean any offense by this, just pointing out a trend I have noticed.

 

[missjaxon]

Date: 12/23/2008 6:05:37 PM
Author: Smurfysmiles

Date: 12/23/2008 11:24:48 AM

Author:DietCokeBreak


BF (37) and I (35) have been dating for just over a year.


they have only been dating 6 months, and they never even discussed marriage before getting engaged.

i know this isn''t the point of the post but i have to throw it out there

you''ve been dating only 6 months longer than your sister and you think she is getting engaged a little too quickly? if it was only the last couple months you''ve been planning for the engagement that''s about the same time as she got engaged. just something to think about...maybe they have discussed marriage but didn''t want to share it with everyone else while they were doing it...

This is the quote from my message above, not sure how it got mangled.

 

[SuiteLady]

We are the same age group. If I were in your situation, I would continue to get engaged in January. I agree wholeheartedly with HollyS.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I would NOT wait to get engaged for someone else''s sake. I think the whole idea of waiting so not to take "away" from soneone''s engagement is rediculous. You are two grown adults, and you have your own seperate lives. I think you should put your own happiness first... And who is to say that if you wait another family member or close friend won''t get engaged too? Then you will end up waiting forever to get engaged? I don''t know... Two of my bestest friends in the whole world got engaged a few months after I did and it didn''t bother me in the least.

 

[Haven]

DietCokeBreak--Welcome to PS! Love your name, by the way.

Add me to the "ditto" list to Holly''s post.

It sounds like your concern over whether your sister is making the right choice, and your concern over whether you should get engaged soon after her engagement are two different issues.

As an older sister, I completely understand your concern over your sister''s situation, and I don''t think it''s wrong to worry for her. That''s not to say that she shouldn''t be engaged, but I think it''s completely natural for sisters to worry about each other. It sounds like you have her best interests at heart.

As for getting engaged in January, do it! And then post hand shots, please.

SuiteLady--I LOVE your new avatar picture! You''re a babe!

 

[brendaman]

Don''t change your plans. Think of it from your parents'' point of view, they are going to have two daughters married soon to men who love them! Getting engaged a few weeks or even a month after your sister should be a celebration and treat it as such. Once you get engaged, you would probably share the story about searching for the ring together and share the funny annecdotes with your family.

I''m not sure how close you are with your sister, but wouldn''t it be great to share wedding planning stories, experiences together. Wouldn''t it be great to register together, go shopping for wedding gowns, etc. I''m not sure if you and your sister live in the same town, but even trading emails about your planning is something you can think about. I would have love it if my sister were engaged at the same time. Even though she lives in Boston and I in DC, I''m sure we would have lots of fun planning our respective wedding. Actually, she and I have been talking about e-rings as bf plans to propose in the next few months and she''s just moved in with bf and thinking marriage.

 

[audball]

Full steam ahead! I agree with the suggestion about the STD cards...have them ready to send out ASAP after the engagement, especially since it''ll be a shorter engagement anyway.

 

[supergirl10]

I was in a the exact same situation in June 08, only my sister and I are 3.5 year and 18 and 22 (me). She got engaged to her bf of 5 months who she had not really even discussed marriage with (do you see a similarity here). Unbeknown to me my bf of 4.5yrs whom i lived with was only 10 days off a proposal.

To save repeating myself for the millionth time, I insisted we wait a period of time as not to appear as a knee jerk reaction. Bf insisted that we continue as plan as we should not put off our plans and happiness for the sake of my sister (as that would be a knee jerk reaction) plus he did not believe that she would afford me the same courteousy if the situation was reveresed (very long, difficult and complicated story).

Out of repect for my wishes he waited approximately 4 weeks and he proposed immediately.

In the very first week of october my sister called to say she had broken her engagement as he had been cheating with three other people. Again a whole other story but the moral of it is nearly 7 months later, I am SOOO deeply glad we didn''t wait any longer ie. Christmas, January or April (our anniversery) as I had initally suggested.

As it turned out her engagement didn''t even last, so there was no point putting our happiness on hold, when in the end it didn''t make any difference that we were both engaged at a similar time.

Sorry this is long and kind of incoherent but you get my message.