BF bought engagement ring but not fully ready?

[Cashmere22]

My bf told me he bought me an e ring and his mom helped picked it out. He told ne he wanted us to take it to the next level. That he wanted to propose to me on xmas 2018 in front of his family but it didnt happen he told me: "" idk : still don't think I'm fully ready"
"I love u but idk... I had a ruff divorce n not trynna drag myself thru that shit again.. I just don't know..ur a wonderful woman.. It's just me"
I don't understand this at all. Please help

 

[kmoro]

Well ...you already know that’s not exactly a good sign.

How long ago did he tell you about the ring and proposal? Did you ask him about it after he didn’t propose and that was his answer? Did he elaborate or stick with the idk?

How long have you been together? Dating? Living together?

This won’t make you feel better, but you don’t want to marry someone that isn’t trying to move heaven and earth to marry you. Marriage is a tough and long road - you must know already that if someone is not “all-in”, there is no chance.

Talk to him. I hope he can sincerely tell you what you want to hear. Maybe he just wants to surprise you, who knows? Make sure he knows your expectations. Ultimatums rarely go well - if you make one, make sure you’re ready to follow through - never do it just to get a point across (I’m not recommending an ultimatum, but they do have a time and place).

Also, I don’t like your vote choices, lol. It’s impossible to know if he’s just scared or not, and if not, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s playing you. No one here can tell from your post if he loves you or not ... and people can be in love without wanting to marry. I can’t cast a vote.

Anyway, chin up in the meantime!

That’s all I’ve got for now.

 

[Cashmere22]

Well ...you already know that’s not exactly a good sign.

How long ago did he tell you about the ring and proposal? Did you ask him about it after he didn’t propose and that was his answer? Did he elaborate or stick with the idk?

How long have you been together? Dating? Living together?

This won’t make you feel better, but you don’t want to marry someone that isn’t trying to move heaven and earth to marry you. Marriage is a tough and long road - you must know already that if someone is not “all-in”, there is no chance.

Talk to him. I hope he can sincerely tell you what you want to hear. Maybe he just wants to surprise you, who knows? Make sure he knows your expectations. Ultimatums rarely go well - if you make one, make sure you’re ready to follow through - never do it just to get a point across (I’m not recommending an ultimatum, but they do have a time and place).

Also, I don’t like your vote choices, lol. It’s impossible to know if he’s just scared or not, and if not, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s playing you. No one here can tell from your post if he loves you or not ... and people can be in love without wanting to marry. I can’t cast a vote.

Anyway, chin up in the meantime!

That’s all I’ve got for now.

Thank u for your reply. I didnt know what to put for the poll thing lol.
He told me on 12/1/18. We have been together 6 months but knew one another a bit before we became a couple. He was married once before been divorced a year and 6 months. I know he loves me. In November he gave me his cousins watch that was his cousins they were very close. He said it was very sentimental to him .See his cousin and aunt both died and my bf took it hard he cried in my arms he stillis grieving. I felt honored when he gave it to me. I later asked what his cousins name was and he said "Chris" I already knew the name just came too me. My thing is why buy an expensive engagement ring and your mom helped you pick out if you were not ready to propose to me???????
He had a rough divorce and doesn't want to go thru that again but I'm not his ex wife and life has no guarantee's but I am in it till death does us part.

 

[kmoro]

Thank u for your reply. I didnt know what to put for the poll thing lol.
He told me on 12/1/18. We have been together 6 months but knew one another a bit before we became a couple. He was married once before been divorced a year and 6 months. I know he loves me. In November he gave me his cousins watch that was his cousins they were very close. He said it was very sentimental to him .See his cousin and aunt both died and my bf took it hard he cried in my arms he stillis grieving. I felt honored when he gave it to me. I later asked what his cousins name was and he said "Chris" I already knew the name just came too me. My thing is why buy an expensive engagement ring and your mom helped you pick out if you were not ready to propose to me???????
He had a rough divorce and doesn't want to go thru that again but I'm not his ex wife and life has no guarantee's but I am in it till death does us part.

Oh ... so really in the scheme of things, you have not been together that long ... I bet this is all that is playing in his mind!

You know in your heart if he loves you or not - I feel that he loves you from what you have said.

Once bitten, twice shy. He knows what it feels like to think something is forever and then have it fall apart.

Really don’t want to tell you what you “should” do
... but If you were my daughter, I would suggest you take a deep breath and just relax. Enjoy the beginning stages of your relationship - every minute of it - don’t be in a rush to get to the future.

I think most people know quite early in relationships if there is forever potential, and so it looks like you’re on a positive path in the direction that you would like. But for both of you, take your time.

I’m not sure how much relationship experience you have, but he may look entirely different to you in three years. I’m not kidding. And if you are already married when you decide that his faults are deal breakers .... you know where I’m going with that.

A bad marriage is such a lonely and terrible place to be. I think it’s a great sign that he is wanting to wait but already has been bitten by the marriage bug ... it means that you have a smart man that wants you both to be happy in the long term .... yet his heart still got the better of his head for a bit there, lol.

Six months is still the honeymoon phase. My last one, I was in heaven after six months - would have done the Vegas elope thing. He turned out to be abusive. There are things that you can not know in a short time. It is necessary to see people at their worst. It takes time for people to let down their guard and let the cracks show.

Your relationship will ultimately depend on how you tolerate the things you don’t like in each other - and communication. It’s easy to love the good things long term but no one is perfect.

I think you will do well to literally bask in this stage of your relationship. Set a good tone for your future and talk to him about your feelings. Relax and take your time. Oh I said that already, lol.

As for your vote ... I’m going to vote now, lol.

You take care and be glad you don’t have a frivolous and impulsive man!

 

[Cashmere22]

Thank you . i appreciate your insight in this.
I am 51years old and he is 35. I have never been married but have had one other real serious good relationship years ago.

 

[kmoro]

Thank you . i appreciate your insight in this.
I am 51years old and he is 35. I have never been married but have had one other real serious good relationship years ago.

Hey we’re almost the same age - I’m 54 ... I hope you can be patient with your man ... congratulations on finding each other!

I bet it’s not easy to wait when you know he has a ring ... and he said he’d propose at Christmas. That part must be quite hard for you. I do think that it would be a good idea to talk to him about this further. He must have known that his change of heart would hurt your feelings ... did he tell you before Christmas or were you expecting it and then it did not happen?

It really would have been better if he did not tell you about the ring, but that can’t be undone now.

I think that would also make me feel like I had to be on my best behaviour, walking on eggshells, so to speak, hoping that he’ll decide I’m worthy after all. Telling me about it and changing his mind would make me wonder if I had done something wrong. These are the things that I would want to discuss with him.

I still think it’s good that he’s taking it more seriously and hope you do too. I get that at a certain age there is no point in wasting time, but six months is not that long, even if you knew him before. Maybe you should wait for at least a year or two for your own sake. If it’s forever love, neither one of you will run away. The thing is that, you may not be in love with the actual person yet. In beginning stages, you are in love with the person that you believe him to be. Only time will tell if that is the person he really is.

My ... 25? cents ...

*hugs*

 

[Cashmere22]

He told me he was going to do this on xmas night. He told me this on December 1. Day after xmas he told me he isnt fully ready yet and he had a rough divorce/ he has been divorced 1 yr and 6months give or take said he doesn't want to go thru that again . Said I'm a wonderful woman and he does love me but said its him. I dont believe I said anything wrong and definitely didn't do anything wrong up to 2pm xmas day I was still suppose to go to his moms house for xmas dinner. Maybe when he was talking to his guy friends around that time maybe one of them said something that made my bf feel he isnt fully ready yet scared idk. the other day i told him to promise me that when he is ready to propose to me please don't tell me or

 

[Cashmere22]

Say anything to me just do it because That really hurt me I was so excited and then he let me down and it hurts he apologized and said okay.....

 

[FinleysMom]

The ring is a placeholder.

 

[pearlsngems]

Take your time. The relationship is still young, and he seems to recognize that he isn't ready to get engaged. That doesn't mean he's playing you. It does mean he is self-aware, and that is a good thing.

Of course you won't want to wait forever, but if he hadn't bought the ring, how long would you have been willing to let the relationship develop before expecting a proposal? I suggest using that as a guideline for how long to wait before deciding you need to move on.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

As someone who is divorced I can sympathize with him for not feeling ready yet. 1 year out is still pretty “freshly” divorced. Takes half a year (in this state) just to get the divorce finalized. And 6 months is still a fairly new relationship. I’d like to think he is genuinely invested in the relationship but is just being cautious about not “rebounding” or going too fast after getting divorced.

I love my partner to pieces, and after 4 years (about 2 years of him clearly wanting to get married) we will finally be married. I’m proposing to him in March! And I’m still getting a prenuptial agreement. Luckily for me he understands why I need that for peace of mind, and that it’s not about him or our relationship.

 

[motownmama]

To TELL you, then not propose, I think he owes you a much bigger explanation than he’s just not ready. Have you seen a counselor?

 

[Lisa Loves Shiny]

I would be concerned that he raised your expectation to receive a proposal on Christmas and did not tell you in advance that he had changed his mind and needed more time. He had to have known that on Christmas you were excited and anticipating proposal that was not going to come. Sorry to say that seems like either a very immature or cruel thing to do.

 

[kmoro]

I would be concerned that he raised your expectation to receive a proposal on Christmas and did not tell you in advance that he had changed his mind and needed more time. He had to have known that on Christmas you were excited and anticipating proposal that was not going to come. Sorry to say that seems like either a very immature or cruel thing to do.

Yes, this is really the thing. He knew you were waiting for a proposal and just let the time come and go without a word. He just let you be disappointed ... on Christmas. I think this is far more concerning than whether he gives you the ring or not. He cared more about feeling uncomfortable than your heart.

 

[FinleysMom]

OP dodged a bullet. Move on....

 

[Its2019]

He told me he was going to do this on xmas night. He told me this on December 1. Day after xmas he told me he isnt fully ready yet and he had a rough divorce/ he has been divorced 1 yr and 6months give or take said he doesn't want to go thru that again . Said I'm a wonderful woman and he does love me but said its him. I dont believe I said anything wrong and definitely didn't do anything wrong up to 2pm xmas day I was still suppose to go to his moms house for xmas dinner. Maybe when he was talking to his guy friends around that time maybe one of them said something that made my bf feel he isnt fully ready yet scared idk. the other day i told him to promise me that when he is ready to propose to me please don't tell me or

That is never a good sign. Granted I never had a guy tell me that about marriage, but they have told me that about relationships after pushing to be in a relationship. They told me how amazing I was as a woman, but they just "weren't ready". All lies and BS. If he loved you, he wouldn't tease you about it, he would say nothing or just propose. TBH I don't think he is going to propose.

 

[FinleysMom]

Move on....jmo

 

[cmd2014]

Have you guys talked about your age difference? Might he want children in the future? I can see that being something that might give him pause. Plus you have not been dating that long. Six months is not long enough IMO to base a lifelong commitment on. Especially not after having lived through what it looks like when it goes wrong. I’m not surprised at the lack of proposal, but I’m surprised he announced it to you and backed out. We’re you hinting? Did he maybe get caught up in the whirlwind of it all? (And got cold feet when the reality hit?). ETA: But I agree with others that the way he handled it was selfish and immature. That would probably be a dealbreaker for me.

The only way to get answers is to sit down and really talk it out. There seem like there are maybe more factors than his divorce. Do you know for sure if you want the same things, and on the same timeframe?

 

[Matthews1127]

My daughter’s biological father played a horrible game of “dangle the candy in front of the baby” with me.

We had been together for a short time, and he took me to a jewelry store to look at engagement rings. We found something I LOVED, he left to “go to the bank to square finances away”, he came back, and asked me to leave the store, while he discussed things with the jeweler.
He came out & we left, together.
About a week later, the jeweler called to tell him the ring was ready.
I waited on pins & needles for him to propose.
During that time, his true colors were exposed, and I made the decision to cut him out of my life. He was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, manipulative, pathological liar.
I was 3 months pregnant when I ended the relationship....still no ring. He talked about it often, as if to use it as leverage. Even told me he kept it in his top sock drawer, hidden for the “right time”.
I cut him out...completely. He agreed to stay away, and never come back. He was not welcome in our lives. I never pursued him for suppprt, and he has never darkened my doorstep to even meet my child. He doesn’t even know she exists.
Not long after my daughter was born, I bumped into that same jeweler, at a different location; I was looking for Mother’s Day jewelry. She was very nice, and quietly asked me “How is everything going?” I told her what happened, and she told me he never picked up the ring. He never paid for it. It remained in their store....never purchased.
It didn’t crush me. It didn’t surprise me. I moved on in my life without him, and never looked back.
He had “proposed” WITHOUT a ring, and asked my mother’s permission to marry me. She declined to grant him permission on the grounds that we hadn’t been together long enough. I was 34 years old, with a 9 y/o son, at that time. Technically, we didn’t need her blessing, but I insisted upon having it. I had already survived one disaster with my son’s biological father. I wasn’t repeating the same mistake.
I was engaged (officially) to THAT jack of beans, too. That proposal involved my great-grandmother’s first engagement ring that was meant to be mine, anyway. Nothing spectacular happened with that proposal. No thought. No effort. But I accepted, anyway.
DH was my REAL proposal. The first 2 were pathetic, or staged. My husband’s proposal was the proposal I had waited 41 years for.

Point of the story: Dreams do come true. They may take longer than expected to come to fruition, but if you’re patient, your time will come. Your Prince Charming is out there. If this guy is “the one”, you don’t need to rush in to prove it.
I agree with others: he handled that situation very poorly, and your story throws up a ton of red flags. My initial thoughts were “Girl!! Run....FAST!!”
I will reserve judgement because I don’t know him or you. I will caution you to proceed carefully with this guy.
Make him prove himself. His past has NOTHING to do with you.
He needs to bury that & move forward with you, or you need to leave him behind, and find someone who will move heaven & earth to spend forever with you.

 

[LinSF]

Run. This happened to me.

I was with my ex husband for 8 years before we talked about settling and marrying. He never was "sure", always was waiting for the right time. There is no right time, ever. And as a previous poster said, if he doesn't want to move heaven and earth to marry you then it's not right.

My ex bought a beautiful engagement ring and then held onto it unbeknownst to me for almost 2 years. We had a rough patch and he knew I was going to walk if there was no commitment or decision on his part. He proposed, we got married, and I found out after the fact that he had held onto the ring forever. If he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me he never should have bought it or proposed. What man buys an engagement ring and doesn't want to see it on his intendeds finger right away?

RUN. I should have. 12 years of misery and a 3 year long divorce (my choice out) hes caused more hell than anyone could have imagined. No one I know has heard anything like my divorce. The ONE time he doesn't get his way he acted like a crazed toddler.

 

[tjkswift]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I'd like to say that he's not playing you, but he's certainly is not the best decision maker and that makes me wonder if this weakness played a part in why he's divorced. First, the ring purchase... it doesn't sound as though there was any discussion with you regarding your ring preferences, which given you would wear it for the rest of your life, comes across to me as not polite. Next he lets the cat out of the bag that he purchased a ring and he's going to propose on Christmas, then decides not to go through with the proposal and doesn't respect your feelings enough to bother letting you know prior to Christmas. Again, his choices come across as immature, wishy washy and self centered.

 

[HNGN]

My daughter’s biological father played a horrible game of “dangle the candy in front of the baby” with me.

We had been together for a short time, and he took me to a jewelry store to look at engagement rings. We found something I LOVED, he left to “go to the bank to square finances away”, he came back, and asked me to leave the store, while he discussed things with the jeweler.
He came out & we left, together.
About a week later, the jeweler called to tell him the ring was ready.
I waited on pins & needles for him to propose.
During that time, his true colors were exposed, and I made the decision to cut him out of my life. He was an alcoholic, verbally abusive, manipulative, pathological liar.
I was 3 months pregnant when I ended the relationship....still no ring. He talked about it often, as if to use it as leverage. Even told me he kept it in his top sock drawer, hidden for the “right time”.
I cut him out...completely. He agreed to stay away, and never come back. He was not welcome in our lives. I never pursued him for suppprt, and he has never darkened my doorstep to even meet my child. He doesn’t even know she exists.
Not long after my daughter was born, I bumped into that same jeweler, at a different location; I was looking for Mother’s Day jewelry. She was very nice, and quietly asked me “How is everything going?” I told her what happened, and she told me he never picked up the ring. He never paid for it. It remained in their store....never purchased.
It didn’t crush me. It didn’t surprise me. I moved on in my life without him, and never looked back.
He had “proposed” WITHOUT a ring, and asked my mother’s permission to marry me. She declined to grant him permission on the grounds that we hadn’t been together long enough. I was 34 years old, with a 9 y/o son, at that time. Technically, we didn’t need her blessing, but I insisted upon having it. I had already survived one disaster with my son’s biological father. I wasn’t repeating the same mistake.
I was engaged (officially) to THAT jack of beans, too. That proposal involved my great-grandmother’s first engagement ring that was meant to be mine, anyway. Nothing spectacular happened with that proposal. No thought. No effort. But I accepted, anyway.
DH was my REAL proposal. The first 2 were pathetic, or staged. My husband’s proposal was the proposal I had waited 41 years for.

Point of the story: Dreams do come true. They may take longer than expected to come to fruition, but if you’re patient, your time will come. Your Prince Charming is out there. If this guy is “the one”, you don’t need to rush in to prove it.
I agree with others: he handled that situation very poorly, and your story throws up a ton of red flags. My initial thoughts were “Girl!! Run....FAST!!”
I will reserve judgement because I don’t know him or you. I will caution you to proceed carefully with this guy.
Make him prove himself. His past has NOTHING to do with you.
He needs to bury that & move forward with you, or you need to leave him behind, and find someone who will move heaven & earth to spend forever with you.

Hello dear, after reading your story, I just wanna pop in to say hi! And to salute you for your courage to "dare to walkaway" despite in the situation you are in "being pregnant". I know alot of couples force to get married or stay together for "kids" or "because the female is pregnant" but ended in a very bad marriage or situations. Hence I really want to tell you "well done!!! for daring to walk away" and "congrats to finally getting the right man~~!!"

I also want to tell all ladies that it really is better being alone than being in a bad relationship.
I enjoyed my alone time. I enjoyed my couple time.

 

[HNGN]

Run. This happened to me.

I was with my ex husband for 8 years before we talked about settling and marrying. He never was "sure", always was waiting for the right time. There is no right time, ever. And as a previous poster said, if he doesn't want to move heaven and earth to marry you then it's not right.

My ex bought a beautiful engagement ring and then held onto it unbeknownst to me for almost 2 years. We had a rough patch and he knew I was going to walk if there was no commitment or decision on his part. He proposed, we got married, and I found out after the fact that he had held onto the ring forever. If he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me he never should have bought it or proposed. What man buys an engagement ring and doesn't want to see it on his intendeds finger right away?

RUN. I should have. 12 years of misery and a 3 year long divorce (my choice out) hes caused more hell than anyone could have imagined. No one I know has heard anything like my divorce. The ONE time he doesn't get his way he acted like a crazed toddler.

Awww sorry to hear about that previous marriage of yours... Glad all things turn out better now.
I am sure the experience make you stronger and you know better what kind of man better-suit you now.

to the OP: I just wanna say that I don't think good of guy who "are unsure" of what they want. I mean females have way more uncertainties in a marriage compared to a man (especially in the more traditional families and that women are the one carrying the child blah blah).
Hence for the proposal/engagement, I really think the man's mentality need to be strong to know what he wants, "that he really want you to be with him for the rest of his life".
No fancy ring needed, no elaborate proposal settings needed, but a strong state of mind "wanting you beside as long as we both shall live" is very much needed.

Like many have said.... Love yourself more. Once you love yourself more, you can ascertain if someone love you that much, "near there" or etc.... Good luck! And lots of dust!!!

 

[Matthews1127]

Hello dear, after reading your story, I just wanna pop in to say hi! And to salute you for your courage to "dare to walkaway" despite in the situation you are in "being pregnant". I know alot of couples force to get married or stay together for "kids" or "because the female is pregnant" but ended in a very bad marriage or situations. Hence I really want to tell you "well done!!! for daring to walk away" and "congrats to finally getting the right man~~!!"

I also want to tell all ladies that it really is better being alone than being in a bad relationship.
I enjoyed my alone time. I enjoyed my couple time.

That is sweet of you to say.
Honestly, it was one of the easiest decisions I ever made, and my life was easier, after he was gone. Even raising a newborn, and a 10 year old was easier than I imagined it would be, alone.
Now that DH & I have been together for nearly 6 years, I look back on single parenthood, and wonder how I managed all those years, by myself.
His job requires him to work insane hours, which requires me to go into “single mom” mode, and I do it, flawlessly...so he says.
I know this ability and strength makes me more attractive to my spouse. It gives him confidence in knowing that if anything happens to him, I am well equipped and capable of picking up & moving on, without him.
With a blended family of 6 children, that is a character trait that is, quite frankly, vital to survival.
People don’t realize the strength they have, until faced with the challenge.
When it comes to survival, and “sink or swim”, one finds a way to survive...without even giving it a second thought.

Over the years, my advice to friends facing similar circumstances has always been, “You’re better off alone than with the wrong person.” This applies to all people, male and female. Toxic people come in all shapes, sizes, colors, and genders....not just men.

I’ve eliminated plenty of toxic women from my life, over the years; I have zero tolerance for crazy in my life.
My circle is small, but peaceful & inviting.

All aspects of life should be that way.

Now that this thread has been bumped & slightly highjacked (apologies), OP....can you give us an update on your current situation? @Cashmere22

 

[partgypsy]

Cashmere, I was surprised by your age, because the way you write sounds alot more youthful? 6 months is not a long time, and only a year after a divorce. My guess he got caught up in a moment, decided to get a ring and propose without thinking through the ramifications. He's not ready to get married. I don't know when or if ever he will be ready to marry you. That requires communications w him, not us. Hopefully he will be honest and you need to think about if u are ok being in a relationship wo commitment and for how long. No wrong or right answers.

 

[Matthews1127]

Keep it all in perspective....