shape
carat
color
clarity

Been carrying this around for too long

Discussion in 'Hangout' started by StephanieLynn, Nov 30, 2016.

  1. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Nov 30, 2016
    Yesterday night I told my husband something I never intended on telling him but I just had to get it out there.

    I've been having habitual dreams about an ex-boyfriend all year long, before this I would dream of him regularly but oddly enough not the year I was pregnant. When I'm pregnant I'm pregnant in my dreams every night until delivery. Anyways these dreams have been getting progressively more serious in nature. In this weeks dreams I realized that this ex could never support me or my sons like my husband can (I am not materialistic and didn't marry for money so no idea where this came from) and then the following night he proposed to me at the mall (with a less than spectacular diamond) and I accepted and met with my husband's cousins to tell them that we were getting divorced. I never planned on telling DH about this because it would hurt his feelings and I would rather just carry this around than risk that. It finally has gotten to a point though that I felt like keeping this from him was not healthy and keeping us from healing our relationship, so I told him.

    A little backstory, the ex and I dated from 1997-2000 and for a while after we broke up we would talk on the phone. He was my first love but two years younger and we had different life goals at the time. The last time I saw him was 2012, we went to the same gym. I caught wind that he was talking about how he has never gotten over me but knew that he had no chance since I'm now married with kids. Since then, no contact, I haven't seen him either.

    DH is a bit disturbed because he took it as I'm not happy, I'm not, I haven't been able to get over him telling me we were done this past June in the midst of a heated argument. He went for a walk and I was left sitting there thinking this was the end and trying to figure out in my head how I was going to live apart from him. I have forgiven him but that feeling is still there. It is the same feeling I had with the ex-boyfriend and we broke up shortly after. I believe the reason these dreams are around is because part of me wishes I could go back to a time where I had less responsibility, I had a job, lots of confidence, independent and life was easier and because we are having a rough year they are even more frequent than before.

    I also recently told him that I'm not over him telling me he was going to leave, he had no idea about that either. I didn't talk to him about my feelings again because I felt that would stall progress but recently I realized that keeping all this to myself isn't going to allow me or us to get where we need to be. It is a wonderful thing to finally let all this out because I don't believe in keeping anything from a spouse, even these silly dreams, total transparency is the only way IMO.

    I feel horrible about this even though I don't have any control over these dreams, I'm hoping that after telling DH and you guys they will stop, that perhaps by keeping it to myself it increased their frequency. Maybe? I hope so. Also no more keeping feelings to myself for the sake of someone else.
     
    


    


  2. momhappy
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    4,660
    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    by momhappy » Nov 30, 2016
    I guess I wouldn't have told him about the dreams because, well, they're dreams... We dream of strange things and sometimes, it doesn't have to mean anything. You dreaming of an ex is likely just the result of your marital issues. Unless, you're secretly in love with the ex...?
    I get that you want to be open about what's going on with your husband, but I don't really consider the dreams as anything that might need to be discussed (unless, like I said, there is actually something "more" there than just dreams). I would have focused on the issues you've been dealing with (not getting over the things he's said to you, etc.).
     
  3. lovedogs
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    8,028
    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2014
    by lovedogs » Nov 30, 2016
    I'm glad you are getting this "out", because I think it can help you work through some of it by discussing it with others. Having your DH say he was "done" during an argument sounds incredibly hurtful, and I'm sorry you had to hear that. My DH and I had a serious talk about 2 years ago about our relationship (at the time I needed to be in therapy but wasn't, and he felt a lot of pressure dealing with my anxiety disorder every day). He was very upset, and ended up saying that he felt like he wanted to just "start over" and not be married to me anymore. Although I'm really happy we had that convo--because we both changed afterwards and now I am stronger and more independent and he feels more able to share his feelings--I am STILL not over it. I'm not upset that we had that talk, I'm upset about his words. I still think about it regularly (even though most people would think that is silly), so I understand not being "over" something like that.

    I think some people end up saying things they don't mean in the heat of the moment (my DH has since said that he was trying to say that if we didn't work on things he was afraid it wouldn't work out), but I'm a really sensitive person who always overthinks before speaking so it's hard for me to relate to saying something like that without meaning it.

    Anyway, sorry this was so long. What I'm trying to say is that I totally understand how you feel, and I think the best thing to do is be honest with DH about how hurt you still are about what he said. I also think that the dreams about your ex aren't necessarily such a "big deal"--especially given the hard year you've had with DH. Not that they aren't important, but more that I don't think you need to feel bad about it. It's understandable that you'd be somewhat nostalgic for when times were "easier", especially since you have talked about some parallels between your relationship with the ex and DH.

    I wish you and DH the best, and think that you are taking healthy steps to heal your relationship. Good for you--I think you are handling this really well.
     
  4. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Nov 30, 2016
    Momhappy, I hear you about since it is just a dream I didn't need to tell him. Not in love with the ex, he was a user and immature and really the only thing we had in common was sex and that will only get you so far. I only really told him because it was bothering me, because I found it unsettling and it made me feel guilty. Maybe that makes no sense but that's how I felt and I can't walk around feeling like that. Ideally DH is my best friend and I can tell him anything even if it's just silly dreams, they were upsetting to me.

    lovedogs, the fact that you had that type of conversation two years ago and are still able to keep going gives me a lot of hope. I have severe social anxiety myself and thus far refuse medication, but it's getting worse and I may not have a choice but to take something pretty soon. I know he said it out of anger and frustration but you know once it's out there how it has a tendency to linger. I hope things continue to improve for you and your DH and thank you for all your thoughts and kind wishes.
     
    


    


  5. chrono
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    36,916
    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2004
    by chrono » Nov 30, 2016
    I've had similar type dreams long ago about my ex which I would never ever marry (different backgrounds) and have absolutely no desire to meet him again. For me, I am able to somewhat control my dreams so when I dreamt about it again, I made a conscious effort to put a quick end to it. Once I did that, those dreams never recurred. I've found that I can often times realize that I am dreaming, and once that happens, I can control the dream.
     
  6. Puppmom
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,160
    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2007
    by Puppmom » Nov 30, 2016
    Stephanie, I'm sorry you're struggling. It seems so much is weighing on you. :(( For a spouse to threaten to leave is a very serious thing in my opinion...especially using it as leverage in an argument. I think it's different if you sit down and have a heart to heart about marital concerns.

    From your previous posts about your DH it sounds like his issues are internal and that his anger with you is misdirected.

    As for the anxiety - My DH is suffering terribly right now. He tried to avoid medication for a long time but we're learning that finding the right medication can be a long road. So, if at all possible, you should address that with a professional asap. I'm not saying you need medication at all - I just think the road to resolving or managing some of those issues can be long so the sooner you start the better. DH feels like he's trying to catch up to the anxiety and it's really a struggle.
     
  7. lovedogs
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    8,028
    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2014
    by lovedogs » Nov 30, 2016
    Glad to provide hope :wavey: I feel the same way as you about DH and I being best friends, so I understand feeling like you need to be honest and talk things through. I think with my situation it got to a point where DH was SO frustrated/upset about where I was with my anxiety and the fact that he felt like he couldn't be honest when he was upset for fear of upsetting me that he kind of just exploded (and he is one of the least emotional people I know). The positive of that happening is that I realized I had no idea it was affecting him that way, and 100% committed to doing my part to get therapy and change, as long as he agreed to do his part and be more up-front with me about how he is feeling.

    I think overall it's one of the best things that has happened to our relationship, because things are certainly a lot more "equal" now in terms of the partnership. For example, I used to do EVERYTHING in terms of shopping, cooking, cleaning, organizing our lives, paying bills (not that I was paying them alone, but I set up all the payments for us with our joint account/made sure everything got paid on time, etc), because I felt bad that I was emotionally "difficult". Obviously that led to me feeling really resentful that I did everything and he just got to sit around, but I never had the guts to say anything because I felt like I had to "make up" for being anxious. Now that I've gotten better/stronger/more independent, I feel able to ask him when I need help or want help and no longer feel resentment. And now that he doesn't feel like he's carrying the huge emotional burden of the relationship he feels more free to be honest and helpful. So I think hard convos can be horrible, but also can be really helpful.

    One thing I will say is that I don't like that your DH said something that serious during an argument, because that feels kind of like trying to leverage the relationship, which isn't ok. Is it possible that you are not only upset about what he said, but the time/place/way he said it? To me, I would feel a little manipulated with that, so maybe it's worth bringing up that it's not just being hurt, but also feeling like he's "pulling strings" or something? I dunno, just something I thought about that might be an extra "layer" to this.
     
  8. House Cat
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,619
    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2009
    by House Cat » Nov 30, 2016
    My brain works a bit differently....

    The first thing I wondered was...did you tell your husband to hurt him? These are dreams. You have no control over them no matter how serious they get, but you have control over telling your husband. You have control over telling him hurtful things.

    The stuff you've revealed about your relationship seems as though you two have a tit-for-tat kind of thing going on. He hurts you, you hurt him, back and forth and everyone loses. You guys are in some sort of pain cycle where love isn't the priority. I get it, love won't be the priority when you can't trust your partner not to crush you.

    EFT for couples is great therapy. http://www.iceeft.com/index.php/find-a-therapist If you google it, be sure to google "eft for couples" because there is a different EFT for individuals that is not related.

    Wishing you both the best...
     
  9. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Nov 30, 2016
    Chrono, really I have no idea why he keeps popping up or if I can will these dreams to stop but it's with a try!

    Puppmom, sorry that your DH is under such stress, I really hope that he finds some internal peace soon. Anxiety is just the worse, it's like it eats up your entire existence.

    See the thing is that my DH never learned appropriate ways to channel his feelings so he takes so much and then just explodes and that is what happened with us. He did not want out of the marriage he was just frustrated and had an inappropriate outburst. Truth be told if he had meant it then I would have said okay, I will find my own way. So now we are working on our communication, not letting things build up, if I hurt his feelings he lets me know and vice versa.

    Lovedogs, I think it really is all about what he said because I have abandonment issues from my childhood, this is something I haven use recently figured out. So it really was all about he was supposed to be the one that would never leave and all of a sudden he said he was leaving. This whole argument stemmed from a wedding we were going to that had a lot of moving parts (long distance, he was in it, I can't travel alone etc)so we were both stressed out and it just came to a point where we both exploded. Not proud of that but we are working on better communication and progress is slow but we are getting there.

    Housecat, I did not tell him about the dreams to hurt him in any way. In fact I didn't want to mention that I still was hurt from the argument months ago because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I know it may not make a lot of sense to many people but if something is bothering me I feel like I should be able to tell him. Total transparency. I think from what I've shared about our relationship we don't come off great but we both have a lot of baggage from childhood and I believe with all my heart we do the best we can. This year was a turning point for us and still is, we couldn't have kept going the way that we were and so things had to get worse to get better. We really are two people trying to do the best we can as individuals and as a couple. I will look into that EFT you mentioned so thanks for that.
     
  10. PintoBean
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    6,208
    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2011
    by PintoBean » Nov 30, 2016
    StephanieLynn - I wonder if this is the trigger:
    "...DH is a bit disturbed because he took it as I'm not happy, I'm not, I haven't been able to get over him telling me we were done this past June in the midst of a heated argument. He went for a walk and I was left sitting there thinking this was the end and trying to figure out in my head how I was going to live apart from him. I have forgiven him but that feeling is still there. It is the same feeling I had with the ex-boyfriend and we broke up shortly after..."
    The ex dreams are being triggered by the hurt you feel now being reminiscent of the hurt you felt back then...perhaps?
     
    


    


  11. monarch64
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    17,584
    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2005
    by monarch64 » Nov 30, 2016
    Well, I'm sure I'll say some things you don't want to hear, but with my usual bluntness I'm going to tell you what I'm gleaning from your posts.

    I don't think you feel safe with or trust your husband. A major theme throughout the posts in this particular thread is openness and honestly, that you want to feel safe telling him absolutely anything, and that you believe in total transparency. Something is making you emphasize those points, repeatedly, and it isn't your trust in him speaking.

    Do you think it's possible that your anxiety has worsened/increased during your marriage to him, BECAUSE of him? You've mentioned his anger issues. You've brought up feeling uncertain about his intentions towards a co-worker. Now you're having dreams about an ex and a relationship in which you felt more at ease due to your sense of having more overall control (job, etc.)

    You're having dreams about someone who made you feel safe and comfortable. You've told your husband about it because what you really are trying to tell him is that he doesn't make you feel safe and that you don't trust him but you NEED for him to. You're afraid he will leave you, and you need him to reassure you, over and over again, until you trust him again. But you're also afraid to really tell him any of those things which is why you're here again asking for advice. Because you don't trust him to reassure you when you ask for it--whether he says the words doesn't matter--he needs to SHOW you through actions and behaviors in addition to words. Your gut is telling you to work through the anxiety without meds because deep down you know that part of the problem is the trust issue you're having with your husband, and that a lot of your anxiety could be alleviated if your relationship improved.

    I don't know what to tell you about how to fix things. You can't do all the work yourself. All you can do is be completely open and honest with him and ask him to double down on his efforts (sincerely) to put you at ease. And look for something to do outside your home, even if it means forcing yourself to deal with the social anxiety. Volunteer. Anything. You're veering into codependent territory here, and that's not good for anyone.
     
  12. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Nov 30, 2016
    Pinto, that could be it, I didn't consider that until I read your post. It will be interesting to see with time if these dreams stop. Fingers crossed!
     
  13. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Nov 30, 2016
    Monarch, my voice of reason :wavey: I have no issue with anything you've said because you are always respectful even if you have to deliver some less than lovely news. You did hit the nail on the head though with safety....I told him I haven't felt safe with him since that argument and it has manifested into problems sexually for me. Because you know if you don't feel it up there you won't be feeling anything down there. In all seriousness though, the anxiety I believe is a result of the stroke I had when I was pregnant. My personality completely changed after that and although much of it is for the better (nasty B tendencies prior), I am much more sensitive than before and it's been an adjustment for me and DH. I feel like this anxiety is like a prison, you want to get better and you have an idea what you need to do, but physically you just can't make the moves to get there, it is so frustrating. Also co-dependency would be easy for me since my mother was co-dependent with my father, this is part of the reason I've just kept this all bottled up, as long as DH is happy....you know the rest.
     
  14. PintoBean
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    6,208
    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2011
    by PintoBean » Nov 30, 2016
    Are you undergoing therapy currently? It sounds like you've been through a lot, and that therapy could be beneficial.

    When we are so focused on being the best caretaker, we often neglect taking care of ourselves. As I often say to my DH, you can't take care of me and the cats until you take care of yourself first.
     
  15. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Nov 30, 2016
    Hey Pinto, I am not currently in therapy although I should be and I know that. I've been through it before multiple times and I've been avoiding it to be honest because I don't want to go through the whole life story again. Getting to know a therapist again, feeling comfortable enough to share etc. But it is getting to a point where the anxiety is bigger than me. I never had panic attacks before in my life but I started having them this past weekend. So I might just have to suck it up and go talk to someone because you are right, you really can't take care of others unless you are taking care of yourself first.
     
    


    


  16. LLJsmom
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    8,955
    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2012
    by LLJsmom » Nov 30, 2016
    Steph, I am so sorry. You are going through a lot. Your dreams tell me that you are feeling a lot of anxiety and not feeling safe as monarch said. I wish you and your DH the best. There seem to be quite a few issues and I hope that you find a way to be as healthy and strong as you can be so you can see the situation clearly and make the best decision for you. I know you talked about therapy. Are you getting any exercise? That can be very helpful as well, to help reset the mind and body. Just a suggestion of an interim treatment that maybe helpful.
     
  17. PintoBean
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    6,208
    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2011
    by PintoBean » Nov 30, 2016
    Ermagherd - Please learn to LOVE your whole life story. The good and the bad that you've been through makes you YOU and that's great! Hey, inject some humor - maybe that can turn it around in your head ;-).

    Mine starts like this... Virgin bride has an ACCIDENT 3 years into the marriage that results in a sperm and an egg meeting. In a parallel universe, a sun explodes and wipes out a solar system upon my conception...
     
  18. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Nov 30, 2016
    LLJsmom, I try to get on the treadmill daily and I do weights a couple times a week. Some weeks are better than others! Thanks for the well wishes!

    Pinto, :lol: you are too funny! Not that I don't love my life story, I just hate having to repeat it over and over and I have only found one therapist I really liked and she moved. Ironically at the time I was reeling from the break-up with the ex and I knew he was not what I needed and I had been hanging out with my now DH. I had told her that DH was a really good guy but I was hesitant to get involved with someone again but she kind of encouraged me to explore that possibility and the rest is history.
     
  19. monarch64
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    17,584
    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2005
    by monarch64 » Nov 30, 2016
    I keep forgetting about your stroke, not sure how or why. Of course your anxiety could stem from that, but I think it might also be exacerbated by your feelings about your DH. And I totally understand it causing sexual issues. Been there, done that. It's hard to let your guard down or be in the moment when the rest of your mind is worried. I know you said you've avoided meds thus far, but what if they allowed you to feel somewhat better about things so you could work through the tough stuff? I finally reached out for help this summer and went on an anti-depressant that my dad had been recommending to me for years. I was too stubborn to admit I had issues but it has made a remarkable difference in my life, and I still feel like myself. Just a less anxious, fearful person. Every time I've done something for myself and taken control, I feel better and my relationships improve. Something to keep in mind. I don't consider it a be-all, end-all fix, but it allowed me to see things more clearly and make healthier choices.

    Aside from the anxiety, I really think you and your DH would benefit from counseling as others have mentioned. Whether it's reading the Love Languages books by Gary Chapman, or going to see a counselor or therapist, or your pastor, just feeling like you are both committed to making things better would be huge for you, I'm betting. Your DH probably feels helpless to solve your problems (and that's what men like to do--fix things) and doesn't know what to do, while you really need reassurance that whether your issues improve or not he will always love you and never leave you. You probably need time to reconnect and have some quality alone time together. Do you have relatives who would care for your sons for a weekend sometime soon?
     
  20. iwantsparkle
    Shiny_Rock

    Messages:
    306
    Joined:
    May 25, 2016
    by iwantsparkle » Nov 30, 2016
    I am sorry you are struggling. I would echo the others and suggest you give therapy another try.

    I'm a big fan of therapy! :)

    Using your recent dreams + conversation with your DH as an example, that might have been something you could've talked about first in therapy and you might have decided to broach the topic differently when you talked to your DH about it.

    I hope this smooths over soon.
     
  21. lovedogs
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    8,028
    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2014
    by lovedogs » Nov 30, 2016
    Oh Steph I didn't know you had a stroke
    I'm so sorry to hear that. Of course that can cause anxiety/depression/ a host of other issues. You've dealt with so much, you should give yourself a big high five for getting through it!!!

    Definitely add to the voices recommending therapy, and meds if they seem needed. I know I've given this example before, but therapy for me before meds was like doing physical therapy to learn to walk again, but not having any prosthetics yet. So the concepts were helpful, but I was never able to put anything into practice. Getting on good meds was like my prosthetic legs, so finally the therapy started to click and work in my real life. It was a huge change that I didn't expect, buy was incredible. Just something to keep in mind. Huge hugs!!!!
     
  22. Gypsy
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    40,198
    Joined:
    Aug 8, 2005
    by Gypsy » Nov 30, 2016

    LLJsmom said it better than I could. ((HUGS))
     
  23. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Nov 30, 2016
    Monarch, do you mind me asking what they put you on? I was on and off Celexa in my twenties but the last time I was in therapy and tried to take it, I lost control of my bladder :-o so I said hell no to staying on it. I was seeing a therapist at the time who was....strange, he seemed fascinated trying to pinpoint a diagnosis for me but felt I could be bi-polar. My father was bi-polar and paranoid and so he was medicated after he went to AA. I'm glad you found something to help you out, we seem to be the same kind of stubborn in that way.

    As far as therapy, our problem would be consistent childcare since we only leave the kids with family and they are almost an hour away. The books you suggested would be a good start though. Our weekend away was going to the wedding in July so we probably won't be able to make that happen anytime soon unfortunately.



    Iwantsparkle, I find it hard to be open emotionally in therapy, I think because part of it is sharing very personal things with someone you don't know and in person. I will have to give it a try though because the way things are going with my anxiety is not sustainable.

    Lovedogs, thanks for the kind words, yeah I had a stroke when I was 34 weeks pregnant with my second son. Nobody at Yale knew why, I was a very rare case. So I basically had a clot that lodged into an artery in my left eye, lost the central vision in my eye but no paralysis or any other obvious effects. Most importantly, my son was totally fine.

    When you went on the meds was it for a short period or long term? I think I could be okay with being on something in the interim along with therapy just to get me in a better state of mind
     
  24. PintoBean
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    6,208
    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2011
    by PintoBean » Nov 30, 2016
    I'm on Lexapro under my gp's guidance. Initially I was on 5 mg but recently increased to 10mg. The goal is to feel good for 6 months straight and then get off the meds. Side effect - I had looser poops for the first couple of days then it passed.

    It feels like some weight is lifted off my shoulders so that I went from being paralyzed by everything seeming overwhelming and impossible to weight off my shoulder and things feeling achievable and possible again.
     
  25. monarch64
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    17,584
    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2005
    by monarch64 » Dec 1, 2016
    Stephanie, my gynecolygist (who is also my PCP) agreed to put me on Wellbutrin. It's not a forever thing for me, like Pinto Bean mentioned. It's more of an 8-12 month thing and we'll see where I'm at then. Yes, you and I are similar in wanting to avoid meds, for sure.
     
  26. ame
    Super_Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    10,674
    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2004
    by ame » Dec 1, 2016
    Between him telling you he was done several months ago, and whatever is going on with his female coworker....you two need SERIOUS therapy or you need to just move on.
     
  27. StephanieLynn
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    3,754
    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2016
    by StephanieLynn » Dec 1, 2016
    Monarch and Pinto, thanks for sharing, I always thought that anti-depressants were a life long thing so that's probably why I have avoided them but if something can help me through this, I'm all for it.

    Ame, I know I'm going to come off sounding like an ignorant fool but there is nothing going on with the co-worker, they had a discussion at work, there is zero evidence of any outside communication or dishonesty on his part. Also, and I am in no way condoning this but when he said we were done it was in a very heated argument and he immediately apologized. Unfortunately for him I have lost the safe feeling I had because I have abandonment issues so there is a chance I might not be able to get over it. Until then we are fighting to stay together, I am not at a point of surrender yet so moving on is not an option.
     
  28. cmd2014
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    2,279
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    by cmd2014 » Dec 2, 2016
    If you want to stay with him, 'getting over it' becomes a choice. Do you pay attention to words said in an argument that he immediately apologized for, or do you instead choose to focus on his actions and the fact that he has chosen to stay? Aren't we all deserving of being forgiven something we have said while upset? Wouldn't you want him to give that gift of forgiveness to you? So, if you want to, you can work on breaking your bad thought habits and instead of ruminating on "he said we were done", you remind yourself that he stayed. That he is committed to you. That he loves you enough to look beyond your faults, and that you can do the same. That's marriage. For everyone.
     
  29. lovedogs
    Ideal_Rock

    Messages:
    8,028
    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2014
    by lovedogs » Dec 3, 2016
    My situation is really different than yours, so take this with a giant grain of salt. I went undiagnosed until I was about 20 years old. I had/have very severe OCD and anxiety--I used to spent HOURS each day doing rituals (collecting trash on the street, crossing myself at all churches, collecting pennies, etc etc). Medication pretty much saved me and allowed me to have a much more normal life. Even though I didn't find the right dose until about a year ago, my symptoms have been improving steadily since beginning meds about 6-7 years ago. I think if I had found the right dose from the beginning it would have been better, but any medication was better for me than none. I honestly have no plans to ever get off the medication, especially since I only realized what "semi-normal" feels like recently. But I think I'd feel differently if I knew what life was like without anxiety, and then started feeling it later in life (which sounds like your case). I think for you (and people in that kind of situation), it makes sense to think of medication as something you try with therapy until you are feeling better, and then try to taper a bit and see how it goes. I hope this helps!
     

Share This Page