Becoming a nasty person?

[allycat0303]

Sorry if I didn''t post this in the accident thread, but since I am home now, I didn''t want it to get longer. I''ve been home for a few days and I feel different. I''m not a malicious person but all of a sudden, I''m turning into a total B&%#@.

Yesterday my sister called me because she was sad about the state of her love live (she is in the process of a divorce) and I thought to myself: I really didn''t care because everything had been handed to you on a silver platter. This isn''t true but I was thinking it at the time.

Also I call FMIL to tell her what we bought as wedding favors for the guests. We are giving tea sets (teapot and 2 cups) for his side of the family and chocolate fondue sets for my side of the family. She says to me in this really awful, glacier voice "is there a reason that we couldn''t get the same thing as your family?" Usually I would have run out and changed the favors, but I just got annoyed.

Then she was telling me about how awful it is going with FIL. Here''s the thing: he has cancer. Incurable. He is responding well to the medication. Not every single time he is *tired* is a complete drama. Nor every time he coughs once (no exaggeration).I used to go up and down all the time, but I think you need to step back and look at the whole picture. Then it was a huge deal because he needs a blood transfusion this week. It''s leukemia. The doctor told them "He will get a transfusion 1-2 a week for the rest of his life" He has gotten a transfusion every week for the past 2 months. Why is he suddenly doing horribly because he needs a transfusion this week?

And one of my closest friends said yesterday "There''s no way you''re going to get into what you applied for" There has been a bit of distance between us before because of these types of comments. I almost said something really nasty back. She went through a breakup 7 months ago and she had told me repeatedly that she would freak out if he started dating again. 1 month after the breakup, the ex has a new girlfriend. I thought to myself, I should tell her so she can feel as bad. Spiteful no?

I feel like I am wandering around, going through the motions without being engaged. I talk to people who are going through awful things, and I really don''t care! I think about saying really nasty things, which I have NEVER thought of before. Is this normal? Have any of you just gotten really mean all of a sudden?

 

[Italiahaircolor]

You''ve just been through a huge life changing event...you''re bound to feel like "sweating the small stuff" is beyond you ... you have a greater insight. That, IMO, is perfectly normal--because you''ve been to a scary place where live matters...but, that attitude towards life must, again IMO, have its limitations.

If you''re feeling like you''ve become "nasty" or "impatient" with people over and above what most would consider "normal" maybe you could speak with a professional about different coping skills you could gain? Someone that will help you understand the true impact the accident had on your life, and emotionally hold your hand while you continue to recover?

Being "short" with people is never a good thing, remember the gold rule...treat others as you wish to be treated...but, cut yourself some slack, you''re seeing life with new eyes....refreshed eyes...

 

[fieryred33143]

This is just my opinion and I can''t back it up with any studies except the one going on inside of Fiery''s head (LOL)

When you go through a life changing event, everything around you is just different. Whether that be an almost fatal car accident, a marriage, a divorce, having a baby, etc...the way you view things just changes.

I think that having gone through that accident changed your perspective on what is important and what is not. Having your FMIL complain about the favors just isn''t important anymore. Having to deal with friends and their stupid comments about what they think you can/cannot do doesn''t cut it anymore. Someone''s divorce, someone''s problems...it just doesn''t measure up to what you went through (at least not now anyway).

I think you need to give yourself time to really just adjust to everything and allow yourself to just feel "blah" (for lack of a better term).

 

[AGBF]

Date: 1/15/2009 9:05:32 AM
Author:allycat0303

I talk to people who are going through awful things, and I really don't care! I think about saying really nasty things, which I have NEVER thought of before. Is this normal? Have any of you just gotten really mean all of a sudden?

It is normal for you, ally, given what you have been though. Definitely. You are just angry. When I say, "just" angry I do not mean to diminish or belittle the quality of that anger or what it is doing to your life. I am saying, "just" so that you can look at what is really going on, see it in the simple terms in which it needs to be seen.

You have been through hell and life is not peaches and cream now. It makes you very, very angry. One could say it enrages you. You have never felt this way before, that is why your thinking has never been the way is is now.

You should face your feelings and your right to have them, ally. You are not a bitch. None of this was your fault. You are the victim.

I was very good at keeping up with your other thread in the beginning, but have not kept up with it recently. I will keep up with this one. Please come here to talk...and complain! In addition: have you considered counseling? If anyone deserves having someone to talk to, it is you!

I send my love.

Deborah

 

[allycat0303]

Italian, fiery, Deb

I feel like I am becoming someone who thinks other people's pain is *insignificant* which it isn't like me. I've always been able to look at whatever someone is going through, and feel for them. Even if it was small, I could say (and feel) that does stink, but...Now I feel like a monster. I have yet to say something mean, but the thought process is awful. I don't think I've been through something that awful ya know? It's a car accident, that kind of stuff happens all the time. I mean a divorce, a sick husband, a broken relationship, those are all valid, awful things. Life changing, probably more then a car accident. And I am acting (or rather thinking) with a distinct lack of compassion. My greatest skill has always been my ability to relate to people, and to understand and now I feel like I am losing that. It makes me really sad.

ETA: Deb, maybe you're right. I don't know, do I come off as being angry? I don't feel angry, just mean. But I have had counseling in the past and he said I had an inability to express, feel, or even own up to feeling angry. He said I internalized and thought of hurting myself (which I am not doing now) which is why I am not sure if it is anger, or just impatience.

 

[arjunajane]

To be honest, I probably would've thought a number of the things you were too! Not acted, but thought..
I don't suffer fools etc for very long...
(sorry, not that I'm saying any of these ppl are fools, I'm just talking about me).

Apart from that, I of course agree with Italia and Fieryred, and would think this kinda thing is entirely "normal".
I wonder, is there any support network outside family and friends that you can consult with your feelings? As in a counsellor or group?
I'm not saying you need therapy or anything, just that it may help you to hear you are acting within "normal" behaviour for your circumstances.

I would not feel bad or get down on yourself too much. After all, you are not acting on these thoughts. There are many ppl that go around being b****y and don't even have the reasons you do Ally.

If you are concerned that your personality could be changing on a deeper level, well maybe some counselling is not a bad idea.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/15/2009 9:33:06 AM
Author: allycat0303
Italian, fiery,

I feel like I am becoming someone who thinks other people''s pain is *insignificant* which it isn''t like me. I''ve always been able to look at whatever someone is going through, and feel for them. Even if it was small, I could say (and feel) that does stink, but...Now I feel like a monster. I have yet to say something mean, but the thought process is awful. I don''t think I''ve been through something that awful ya know? It''s a car accident, that kind of stuff happens all the time. I mean a divorce, a sick husband, a broken relationship, those are all valid, awful things. Life changing, probably more then a car accident. And I am acting (or rather thinking) with a distinct lack of compassion. My greatest skill has always been my ability to relate to people, and to understand and now I feel like I am losing that. It makes me really sad.

Ally,

People like you always have a hard time stepping away from the needs of others and focusing on themselves. It is a great quality to have to be so compassionate and so considerate but its also a hindrance in that you never stop to just focus on you. Also, from what I have learned about you...you are someone that everyone else falls back on. Everyone comes to Ally for help. But right now, you are not mentally there. You can''t be. You just went through a really bad car accident. You did not have a fender bender. You were in the hospital.

You cannot be supergirl right now. When you have gone through everything you need to go through to get over this accident, then you can go back to being Ally. Right now, forcing yourself to be that person will only do harm mentally and emotionally. If you don''t feel like listening to someone else go over their life details with you, then don''t. That doesn''t make you a bad person. It makes you normal!

 

[Efe]

You should speak with your doctor about this, but I think it is quite common for people who have had a head injury to have slight, or not so slight, personality changes for a period of time afterward, until your brain heals. Sounds crazy, but maybe this isn''t such a bad thing for right now. Maybe you were too nice and accommodating before and can use this period of time to rethink what is important to you and which old boundaries need to be revised.

 

[LostSapphire]

Ally:

You and I are in similar situations. I am becoming judgmental, angry, irritated and impatient with people. When one of my staff calls in sick (I had one today who says she has a bladder infection) I feel like screaming at them.

I think it''s part of having had something fairly "big" on the top 10 list of awful things happen to you....everything else seems SO inconsequential and you feel like telling people to knock it off.

We''ll both be ok in a while...this too will pass, right? (I sure hope so).

LS

 

[iheartscience]

I agree with fiery, Deb and arjuna. To me it just sounds like now that you''ve been through so much you can''t care as much about relatively insignificant things. And I hope this doesn''t sound mean, but it kind of just sounds like you''re learning to stand up for yourself! Which is a good thing if you ask me!

 

[AGBF]

Date: 1/15/2009 9:33:06 AM
Author: allycat0303

Deb, maybe you're right. I don't know, do I come off as being angry? I don't feel angry, just mean. But I have had counseling in the past and he said I had an inability to express, feel, or even own up to feeling angry. He said I internalized and thought of hurting myself (which I am not doing now) which is why I am not sure if it is anger, or just impatience.

You cannot help but be angry, ally. A lot of physical pain was inflicted on you and you were put through a lot of fear. If it was your pattern in the past to internalize anger, why would that have changed? You are probably not someone who, when in pain, punches the nurses. The anger has to go somewhere, ally. There is just too much of it for you to handle with any of the mechanisms you used in the past. You are still not acting it out (witnessed by your not having said anything to anyone yet), but your thinking has been affected. Trust me that this is a reaction to anger. You have not lost your compassion. This is temporary. But you need help. This anger needs a release.

You are welcome to talk here, but I think you need and deserve more than us, ally dear. I think you deserve a therapist who will listen to you. What you have undergone is something beyond the usual and it is also ongoing. Far from making you less compassionate, with time it may make you more compassionate! One day you may be able to understand, when other physicians do not, why people remain traumatized long after they "should" be better! Because psychic wounds do not heal when someone waves a magic wand over them. Sometimes it takes a long time.

You will get over your anger, however. Your compassion was built in your earliest years of life, ally. You cannot lose that. Read The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg for some comfort food for your mind and soul if you doubt me.

Stay in touch!

Love,
Deb

 

[tlh]

Maybe it is just something in the air. I am usually a really sweet person too... and lately I just HATE everyone. Well, not really... but everything seems to get on my nerves. Things I normally enjoy (running) I have to "force" myself to do - and I am thinking the whole time, I hate this, I hate this... but after about 3-4 miles I think, ahhh, there is the pavement that I love... so then when I turn around and run the 4 miles home I finally start to enjoy it again. But the very next day as I am lacing up my shoes I think, grrr I hate this. It is cold out... blah blah.
People I love, ANNOY me. Things that shouldn't bother me, do.
When I get like this... I feel that I just need a little bit of space. I too try to take on other people's problems as my own... and lately I've come to a crossroad, where I think, WHY? Seriously, WHY? All the frustration and calories I burn thinking about THEIR problems, do NOTHING for me. And I haven't gone through a life altering event like you have... I'm just feeling a tad of winter b!tch fever.
I think what you are going through is normal. I think you just need to take some time for yourself... do something that YOU love... and when someone is griping at you- just let it roll off. It is honestly healthier than ingesting someone else's pain, anger or hurt. Offer a hug, and shrug it off.
Life is too short... and worrying about things dont make them better, or make them go away.
So, from one winter grouch to a really nice person who just feels a little crabby...
HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSS!!!

 

[Lorelei]

I also think it is completely understandable after everything you have been through Ally, take care of YOU!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Ally, you''re still recovering---and as a medical student you know that there are many facets to recovery from a phyiscal trauma, some of which is mental and emotional. Your words seem to be express a change in priorities, like with the wedding favors, once upon a time you would have bent over backwards to make sure that they were perfect, but now you''ve begun looking past the superficial.

You still relate to people very well and just the simple fact that you can verbalize your feelings means that you''re able to be introspective, which would be considered the first step towards feeling "normal" again.

Hang in there, you''ll be okay.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 1/15/2009 9:54:34 AM
Author: AGBF

Date: 1/15/2009 9:33:06 AM

Author: allycat0303


Deb, maybe you're right. I don't know, do I come off as being angry? I don't feel angry, just mean. But I have had counseling in the past and he said I had an inability to express, feel, or even own up to feeling angry. He said I internalized and thought of hurting myself (which I am not doing now) which is why I am not sure if it is anger, or just impatience.

You cannot help but be angry, ally. A lot of physical pain was inflicted on you and you were put through a lot of fear. If it was your pattern in the past to internalize anger, why would that have changed? You are probably not someone who, when in pain, punches the nurses. The anger has to go somewhere, ally. There is just too much of it for you to handle with any of the mechanisms you used in the past. You are still not acting it out (witnessed by your not having said anything to anyone yet), but your thinking has been affected. Trust me that this is a reaction to anger. You have not lost your compassion. This is temporary. But you need help. This anger needs a release.


You are welcome to talk here, but I think you need and deserve more than us, ally dear. I think you deserve a therapist who will listen to you. What you have undergone is something beyond the usual and it is also ongoing. Far from making you less compassionate, with time it may make you more compassionate! One day you may be able to understand, when other physicians do not, why people remain traumatized long after they 'should' be better! Because psychic wounds do not heal when someone waves a magic wand over them. Sometimes it takes a long time.


You will get over your anger, however. Your compassion was built in your earliest years of life, ally. You cannot lose that. Read The Magic Years by Selma Fraiberg for some comfort food for your mind and soul if you doubt me.


Stay in touch!


Love,

Deb

Deb speaks wise words.
Seek out an appointment with a therapist soon.
*hugs*
Wishing you the best!!!!
Prayers for you continue.

 

[joflier]

I was thinking too, along the lines of what Bizoumom said. I''ve known of a couple people that had head trauma and had some personality discrepencies afterwards. And most of the time its usually something along the lines of anger and irritability. I don''t know much more than that, but definately something to talk to your Dr. about. Andy maybe its nothing like that at all. It could just be an aspect of recovering from a major traumatic event in your life. That being the case, I think its something that counseling would give you a great benefit for. At least your able to recognize the changes in yourself. I think that''s a positive sign, so that you can have a starting point to work at. Lots of good wishes for you!!!!

 

[laurel25]

Date: 1/15/2009 9:42:12 AM
Author: BizouMom
You should speak with your doctor about this, but I think it is quite common for people who have had a head injury to have slight, or not so slight, personality changes for a period of time afterward, until your brain heals. Sounds crazy, but maybe this isn''t such a bad thing for right now. Maybe you were too nice and accommodating before and can use this period of time to rethink what is important to you and which old boundaries need to be revised.

I was just going to post this exact same thing. It''s very common to experience personality changes after head trauma. I would talk to the doctor about it, just so that it''s mentioned in your chart, so that if it seems to be something that''s hanging around for an extended period, then you have it documented.

 

[purrfectpear]

Your posts in the past have always struck me as you being an overly accommodating, ultra kind, self effacing sort of person. To that extent, I agree with your therapist. You were always the one to "bend", to compromise, even at the expense of your own feelings. I suspect (and I''m not a therapist) that this accident has made you subconsciously acknowledge that life can be transient, and perhaps it''s better to balance taking care of your own needs with always taking care of others.

I see that as healthy. Don''t worry about turning into Cruella DeVille. I don''t see it happening

I think you are just learning to speak up for yourself, and to recognize that YOUR feelings are just as valid as others are. Welcome to my world

 

[AdiS]

Ally, you''ve just been through something so difficult, something that can change your life in a matter of seconds. Don''t be too harsh on yourself. Take some time to get used to life''s normal pulse once again. Take some time to feel angry, confused, maybe just a little bit scared and yes, even mean sometimes. That doesn''t make you evil. It makes you human. I''m not going to say I know how you feel, but I''ll tell you this: in 2005 I was hit by a car. A speeding car while I was crossing the street. I was thrown a few metres away and hit my head in the pavement. Thank God and my lucky stars, I got up and I was fine. A few bruises and sores, a huge bump on the head and a concussion. (Hubby always makes fun of me and my wooden unbreakable head now

). The policeman standing nearby immediately ran to me said he''d never seen someone standing up and walking after such an impact. Anyway, after that I was changed. Physically, my body recovered really fast. Mentally, I was a wreck. I''m not going to bother you with the details, but I have to tell you the thing that used to drive me crazy - people complaining about some petty little problems (that''s how I saw it). My friend''s BF was coming home too late, my cousin''s exam went really bad, etc, etc. Didn''t they know I almost died?! Didn''t they know it was only a miracle I was still alive? My vision was still blurred from the hit, my head was aching and I had a bruise the size of Miami on my hip. And they kept going on and on about dates that failed and "D"s on their papers. How dare they claim they had problems?!
I don''t have your restrain unfortunately and I suspect I''m just a tad more harsh than you are on principle, but I was scolding and pushing people away all the time. I''m lucky to have any friends left now.
So, having said that, let me tell you the good news: it passes. All of it. It took me months (here''s hoping you make it faster and more painless than I did!) but I''m free of it and enjoying life like never before. Because now I know both how fragile and how priceless it is.
I don''t usually tell people the story, but I feel I can''t remain silent now. I need to tell you that you''re normal, you''ll be fine and you''re a great, kind hearted person since you manage to keep your thoughts to yourself, which I know how hard it is. Stay strong, let the people who love you be around you and try not to alienate them and everything will be ok. Take it from someone who''s been there. You''ll be all right.

 

[mommy2iz]

hi! i totally agree with what''s been said...my husband had a head-on collision several years ago, and had a very similar experience. please don''t hesitate to seek therapy/counseling. he refused for years, and his journey was very dark. with and after counseling, his coping skills improved dramatically and eventually our communication was restored.
of course you are different. you had a traumatic accident and nearly died. you are facing not only your own mortality, but that of FIL as well, and simultaneously. couple that with the stresses of med school, residency apps, planning a wedding.....WOMAN! you''ve got like all of life''s major stresses going on at once! how can any of life''s minor inconveniences compare? they can''t. there''s nothing wrong with saying- no, screaming! - life sucks right now. and you have every right to feel whatever you''re feeling.
maybe start journaling? it''s a method of getting the feelings out of your system, and will at least diminish some of the internalizing. your body is still healing; the last thing you need is bottled up emotions complicating everything.
lots of love and hugs and hope and prayers to you!

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/15/2009 12:17:39 PM
Author: mommy2iz
hi! i totally agree with what's been said...my husband had a head-on collision several years ago, and had a very similar experience. please don't hesitate to seek therapy/counseling. he refused for years, and his journey was very dark. with and after counseling, his coping skills improved dramatically and eventually our communication was restored.
of course you are different. you had a traumatic accident and nearly died. you are facing not only your own mortality, but that of FIL as well, and simultaneously. couple that with the stresses of med school, residency apps, planning a wedding.....WOMAN! you've got like all of life's major stresses going on at once! how can any of life's minor inconveniences compare? they can't. there's nothing wrong with saying- no, screaming! - life sucks right now. and you have every right to feel whatever you're feeling.
maybe start journaling? it's a method of getting the feelings out of your system, and will at least diminish some of the internalizing. your body is still healing; the last thing you need is bottled up emotions complicating everything.
lots of love and hugs and hope and prayers to you!

This says it all.

Ally, you have so much on your plate. No wonder you feel as you do. I know I would. I hope you get to see a therapist. Or write in a jounal etc.... I would see others problems as trivial after being through what you have. Your patience will come back, give it some time.
Big HUGS!!!

 

[Blackpaw]

oh poor thing - dont feel bad, i agree with the others, your just in a transitional kind of time, getting back to real life again after the accident.

Besides, *sometimes* people are just eejits that need to get over it

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Allycat... it sounds to me like something inside of you is trying to tell you that you need to spend some time focusing on *you* right now. (Even a person who is good with helping with other people's problems occasionally needs and deserves time to spend on their own needs.)

Date: 1/15/2009 9:38:58 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/15/2009 9:33:06 AM

Author: allycat0303

Italian, fiery,


I feel like I am becoming someone who thinks other people's pain is *insignificant* which it isn't like me. I've always been able to look at whatever someone is going through, and feel for them. Even if it was small, I could say (and feel) that does stink, but...Now I feel like a monster. I have yet to say something mean, but the thought process is awful. I don't think I've been through something that awful ya know? It's a car accident, that kind of stuff happens all the time. I mean a divorce, a sick husband, a broken relationship, those are all valid, awful things. Life changing, probably more then a car accident. And I am acting (or rather thinking) with a distinct lack of compassion. My greatest skill has always been my ability to relate to people, and to understand and now I feel like I am losing that. It makes me really sad.

Ally,


People like you always have a hard time stepping away from the needs of others and focusing on themselves. It is a great quality to have to be so compassionate and so considerate but its also a hindrance in that you never stop to just focus on you. Also, from what I have learned about you...you are someone that everyone else falls back on. Everyone comes to Ally for help. But right now, you are not mentally there. You can't be. You just went through a really bad car accident. You did not have a fender bender. You were in the hospital.


You cannot be supergirl right now. When you have gone through everything you need to go through to get over this accident, then you can go back to being Ally. Right now, forcing yourself to be that person will only do harm mentally and emotionally. If you don't feel like listening to someone else go over their life details with you, then don't. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you normal!

Since she said it so well, all that can be said is "ditto". Though I know you only from your posts here, the bolded part fiery mentions (not to mention the stories you used as illustration in your original post) is consistent with an impression I've received from your past posts as well.

f-d-l

P.S. Oh, and BTW, though you wrote, "It's a car accident, that kind of stuff happens all the time," I feel compelled to point out that car accidents that result in cranial surgery and extended stays in the ICU are actually not that common.

 

[decodelighted]

Maybe you''re experiencing anger for the first time? And its coming out as "mean thoughts". It sounds very normal to me too. You simply don''t have time or energy to empathize with EVERYONE. You need to be a bit selfish right now and that is OKAY I SWEAR IT IS OKAY. You have a long life (knock wood) and there''ll be times you can give and times you can''t. You don''t have to be the same perfect person all of the time. You deserve a break. You are allowed to set limits with your time/patience etc. If you feel yourself thinking mean things -- it probably means someone is violating your space, demanding more from you than you are willing or able to give right now. Give yourself permission to say no ... disconnect ... etc.

If the mean thoughts continue for days, weeks, months -- or prove very troublesome to you ... maybe a low dose of antidepressants combined with some talk therapy would be helpful.

Honor what you''ve been through. It *IS* traumatic. Don''t diminish it. HONOR IT. Honor yourself & have patience with yourself. You do not have to be perfect. Life isn''t keeping score. And the people who do have too much time on their hands.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Ally, whether its because of the emotional or the physical trauma that you''ve been through, I think your feelings are entirely natural. I''d ditto Deb on seeking out some help in the form of someone to talk to about them, but in the meantime please try not to feel too guilty about having these feelings - even if you had them normally they wouldn''t make you a bad person.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 1/15/2009 9:38:58 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 1/15/2009 9:33:06 AM
Author: allycat0303
Italian, fiery,

I feel like I am becoming someone who thinks other people's pain is *insignificant* which it isn't like me. I've always been able to look at whatever someone is going through, and feel for them. Even if it was small, I could say (and feel) that does stink, but...Now I feel like a monster. I have yet to say something mean, but the thought process is awful. I don't think I've been through something that awful ya know? It's a car accident, that kind of stuff happens all the time. I mean a divorce, a sick husband, a broken relationship, those are all valid, awful things. Life changing, probably more then a car accident. And I am acting (or rather thinking) with a distinct lack of compassion. My greatest skill has always been my ability to relate to people, and to understand and now I feel like I am losing that. It makes me really sad.

Ally,

People like you always have a hard time stepping away from the needs of others and focusing on themselves. It is a great quality to have to be so compassionate and so considerate but its also a hindrance in that you never stop to just focus on you. Also, from what I have learned about you...you are someone that everyone else falls back on. Everyone comes to Ally for help. But right now, you are not mentally there. You can't be. You just went through a really bad car accident. You did not have a fender bender. You were in the hospital.

You cannot be supergirl right now. When you have gone through everything you need to go through to get over this accident, then you can go back to being Ally. Right now, forcing yourself to be that person will only do harm mentally and emotionally. If you don't feel like listening to someone else go over their life details with you, then don't. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you normal!

Ditto. Honey, you give and you give and you give. And if you don't GET in return, somedays you look around and think... I have nothing left for myself, and I need to just RETAIN for a while, instead of giving. That's NORMAL, and in your condition its HEALTHY.

It's not like you acting on these feelings, you are just ... venting in your own mind. That's okay. REALLY, I promise. Find someone to talk to, and you will get through this too. You need someone for you, and therapist is THERE, and will listen. ((HUGS))

 

[simplysplendid]

Dear allycat, to me it seems perfectly normal that you are feeling this way. You were on the brink of death in the ICU and were fighting for your life. Everything else would seem somewhat unimportant or as another poster said, you are no longer sweating the small stuff after having been through what you''ve been through. I wouldn''t have ranted or complained in anyway to anyone that has gone through what you went through. All issues would seem so small compared to life and death matters (with the exception of your FIL health matters of course).

Glad to hear that you are healing well, was holding my breath when I heard the news that you were in ICU. I hate that place, both my parents have been there and couldn''t make it out.

 

[Mara]

also adding to what others have said...i definitely would have thought all of the stuff you mentioned, because i have relatively little patience for drama. i personally think you might have been too accommodating before. run out and change the gifts because your FMIL made some snide comment? oh, hell no!!

so while this might just be a temporary thing while your body continues to heal.... i wouldn't say that you are being mean/nasty/bitchy because you are feeling fed up with what is around you. honor what your body/mind is telling you. this could be a benefit if you ended up somewhere in the middle of where you used to be vs what you feel now.

you might come out of this a different person and it does not have to be a bad thing to be able to speak up more for yourself and put yourself closer to the top of 'what is important' in your life.

btw i am so happy you are ok.

 

[ladypirate]

I second everyone who has suggested talking to a counselor. It''s not uncommon in situations like this to go through some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which can cause many of the symptoms you''re dealing with.

*Hugs* I''m so glad you''re ok. This will get better in time.

 

[princesss]

Ally, honey, there are so many lovely posters who have offered suggestions, I can only ditto them. But I want to mention something Deb said, because I think it risks getting buried, and it''s very important.

This is obviously difficult, to not feel like yourself, and to not know why it came on so suddenly, or when it will stop. And on top of that, you have to deal with several more huge things on your plate at once.

But I think this can really help make you a more compassionate doctor. As somebody that has had to visit more than my fair share of specialists, it would have been nice to have a doctor that seemed to understand that my life was changing. You get that. You know that sometimes things affect you in ways you wouldn''t expect, and for longer than you would expect.

You were always going to be a fantastic doctor. But this is one more tool in your belt to help make you the best.