Bachelorette Party advice please

[meresal]

In my group of friends we almost always have a lingerie shower along with the bachelorette party.

I am helping to plan one for a very close friend, and the main girl in charge is debating not having a lingerie shower, because she thinks that some of the girls invited won't be able to afford the $100 for the weekend + lingerie gift. (Main girl in charge was just put in charge this morning, because I told the bride that there really should be one "go-to" person for everything. She offered since she is out of work right now.)

I don't want my friend to miss out on the shower part, because it is alot of fun and usually the only time the the bride gets things specifically for herself... but I don't know how to say this to the main girl without sounding like a snob.

So, would you have the shower as well, knowing that the bride would love it... or would you skip the shower because a few of the girls might make a big deal about not being able to afford something?

FYI- I found a beach house for a whole weekend, and it is only costing the girls $100/person. Am I out of line, or is this not THAT expensive? The $100 includes a $10 pitch in for food and alcohol for the whole weekend. They don't have to do anything but send a check and show up.

I might be biased here, because the girl/s that might not have enough money, already went super cheap on her Bridal shower that she hated. It was literally just people sitting around for 2 hours. No one did anything but open gifts. No food, no drinks, nothing. They didn't even attempt to decorate. I really want this to be everything she wants and more and to be an incredible weekend. I know that the bride would hate missing out on this shower.

 

[Erinleigh]

$100 for a whole weekend (with food AND alcohol)? That''s a steal! I think it sounds like it could be a wonderful party for a close friend of yours. Noone I know has tons of extra cash lying around (myself included), but I know I could manage to scrounge/save $100 for a good friends bachelorette party. Maybe this is being too harsh, but if they''re invited and can''t afford it, they don''t HAVE to accept the invite, kwim?

 

[vc10um]

I think that''s perfectly reasonable, and no one said lingerie needed to be expensive, either!!! Target sells perfectly lovely chemises for ~$15-20 (and even cheaper if you find them on sale!) and they feel great and are often quite fun or sassy! They also have really cute bra and panty sets, camis, etc etc etc. I think $120 for a whole weekend plus the gift is probably close to what I''d be spending on a gift and night out with dinner, drinks, and limo...and I''d rather have the weekend!!!

 

[meresal]

Thanks ladies. I really didn't think we were asking a whole lot here.

FWIW- The $100/person is based on 10 girls coming. If 12 come then it will only be $85/person including the stipend for food/alcohol.

vc10- I said the same thing about Target. They have tons of stuff... just because you say lingerie doesn't mean it has to be from VS... but knowing about these girls from the bride, that is what they will initally assume when they read the word lingerie.

 

[neatfreak]

I think regardless of whether it's a "steal" or not-if some of the bridesmaids legitimately can't afford it then you need to respect that.

That being said, I think you could do some group lingerie gifts maybe, where those that can pitch in, do.

I totally understand wanting your friend to have what she deserves but at the same time you can't be ticked off at someone if they just can't afford it KWIM?

ETA: Is there any way you/the other hostess/the richer friends could pick up the tab and split it among yourselves? That way your friend gets the weekend and those that really can't afford it won't feel bad. I doubt it would cost much more PP.

 

[charbie]

I don''t think $100 for all that is expensive.
And it isn''t like people have to go to La Perla for lingerie. Its something that is worn to be taken off...haha...so I don''t spend much on lingerie. Actually, my favorite piece I own was from TJ Maxx. People can get cute nighties from Kohls! My suggestion would be thyat they could even get some cute panties instead of full outfits, and don''t let one person dictate the shower. The lingerie party we had for my bff was her fav part of her shower.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/10/2010 7:04:30 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think regardless of whether it's a 'steal' or not-if some of the bridesmaids legitimately can't afford it then you need to respect that.

That being said, I think you could do some group lingerie gifts maybe, where those that can pitch in, do.

I totally understand wanting your friend to have what she deserves but at the same time you can't be ticked off at someone if they just can't afford it KWIM?

I understand that Neat... I guess it's just hard to accept, because they don't seem to care much about doing anything special for her and seem to always fall back on the "price" excuse.

I guess I just feel like there are certain things that you should at least plan on spending money for, especially when you agree to be a bridesmaid. My other idea was to make it a "Honeymoon Shower" where people could just give her little things to use for the honeymoon, that way it didn't have to be lingerie ($$$), but still something personal. (I've been dying to give monogrammed towels to someone!!!)

ETA: I would be prefectly fine doing some special things for her, and picking up the tab, however I have a feeling that if she finds out they(maybe 2 girls) didn't contribute it would hurt her more. Does that make sense?

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/10/2010 7:12:08 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/10/2010 7:04:30 PM

Author: neatfreak

I think regardless of whether it's a 'steal' or not-if some of the bridesmaids legitimately can't afford it then you need to respect that.


That being said, I think you could do some group lingerie gifts maybe, where those that can pitch in, do.


I totally understand wanting your friend to have what she deserves but at the same time you can't be ticked off at someone if they just can't afford it KWIM?

I understand that Neat... I guess it's just hard to accept, because they don't seem to care much about doing anything special for her and seem to always fall back on the 'price' excuse.


I guess I just feel like there are certain things that you should at least plan on spending money for, especially when you agree to be a bridesmaid. My other idea was to make it a 'Honeymoon Shower' where people could just give her little things to use for the honeymoon, that way it didn't have to be lingerie ($$$), but still something personal. (I've been dying to give monogrammed towels to someone!!!)

I'm with ya Mere-but at the same time if the trip was just suggested, no one may have budgeted for that $.

Could you make the shower and the weekend two different events? I think my issues is more with the weekend away than the lingerie shower. Any bridesmaid should expect to give a small shower gift-even if it's sometime inexpensive, homemade, etc. But at the same time I don't think it's fair to expect them to pay for a weekend away-even if it's inexpensive. Unless of course it's been cleared with everyone in advance.

Has the ringleader even talked to these girls? Maybe she's jumping the gun and the $ isn't as much of an issue as she's making it out to be?

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/10/2010 7:19:02 PM
Author: neatfreak

Date: 1/10/2010 7:12:08 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/10/2010 7:04:30 PM

Author: neatfreak

I think regardless of whether it's a 'steal' or not-if some of the bridesmaids legitimately can't afford it then you need to respect that.


That being said, I think you could do some group lingerie gifts maybe, where those that can pitch in, do.


I totally understand wanting your friend to have what she deserves but at the same time you can't be ticked off at someone if they just can't afford it KWIM?

I understand that Neat... I guess it's just hard to accept, because they don't seem to care much about doing anything special for her and seem to always fall back on the 'price' excuse.


I guess I just feel like there are certain things that you should at least plan on spending money for, especially when you agree to be a bridesmaid. My other idea was to make it a 'Honeymoon Shower' where people could just give her little things to use for the honeymoon, that way it didn't have to be lingerie ($$$), but still something personal. (I've been dying to give monogrammed towels to someone!!!)

I'm with ya Mere-but at the same time if the trip was just suggested, no one may have budgeted for that $.

Could you make the shower and the weekend two different events? I think my issues is more with the weekend away than the lingerie shower. Any bridesmaid should expect to give a small shower gift-even if it's sometime inexpensive, homemade, etc. But at the same time I don't think it's fair to expect them to pay for a weekend away-even if it's inexpensive. Unless of course it's been cleared with everyone in advance.

Has the ringleader even talked to these girls? Maybe she's jumping the gun and the $ isn't as much of an issue as she's making it out to be?

This idea was sent out by the bride to everyone before moving forward. The girl in question said it sounded great a week ago, and then after sending out a FB message with the pricing info, the girl called the bride and said as long as it didn't go over $100 she would "be able" to come.

If I agreed to a weekend away at a beach I would have expected to spend much more than $100 and would have been very pleasantly surprised to find out that it was that inexpensive!

There is no way to do two separate events. Most of the girls are driving in from a nearby city, and between some other wedding showers and my baby on the way, this is the only weekend. Another friend of ours and myself already threw her a shower down here on 12/12 that none of the BM's came to, or even had the decensy to RSVP. (I didn't expect them to drive, but no RSVP was a little ridiculous.)

 

[meresal]

If it comes down to deciding not to have the shower, then I will put together a "Honeymoon Basket" of goodies. I want her to at least have something!

Maybe I can get each of the girls to email me their favorite picture of themselves with her, and I can put them in a frame. So that there is a picture of her with each person that attends. Then just have everyone sign a card once we get to the house.

 

[chibride10]

First off, I definitely don''t think that''s too expensive...it sounds like a GREAT deal for a bridal shower, actually.

Here''s another idea that might be cheaper but still really fun for the bride: for my shower my MOH had every girl buy new pair of underwear they thought might remind me of them. Then, I had to open them and guess who each one was from. It was a lot of laughs, and as nice as lingerie is to have, it''s also really nice to have gotten a new slew of cute underwear!

I think lots of girls found cheap, fun pairs at Target, and I was thrilled.

Just throwing it out there.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

I was MOH at a wedding this summer. Almost all of the bridesmaids live out of state so a bachelorette party with everyone before the wedding was going to be almost impossible.

I ended up emailing all the girls and we planned a little impromptu surprise bachelorette party the night before the wedding. I reserved a suite at the hotel and after the rehearsal dinner, we brought the bride into the room and had some champagne and she opened her naughty gifts. I covered the cost of the suite and the champagne and all of the girls who wanted to buy a gift, did. It ended up working out really well. Maybe you could do something like that on the day or night before the wedding when everyone is there so no one has to budget for an out of town weekend?

 

[charbie]

Ooooo! Similar to chibride: at my friends shower, we named all of the lingerie.
Ex: a pretty pink outfit we named, "blushing bride" or a pair of star covered underwear that we named, "the knockout that made him see stars..." then, the bride gave the list to her husband on the honeymoon, and he picked a name off the list and that was what she wore that night. It was so fun!

 

[4ever]

Date: 1/10/2010 6:20:43 PM
Author:meresal
In my group of friends we almost always have a lingerie shower along with the bachelorette party.

I am helping to plan one for a very close friend, and the main girl in charge is debating not having a lingerie shower, because she thinks that some of the girls invited won''t be able to afford the $100 for the weekend + lingerie gift. (Main girl in charge was just put in charge this morning, because I told the bride that there really should be one ''go-to'' person for everything. She offered since she is out of work right now.)

I don''t want my friend to miss out on the shower part, because it is alot of fun and usually the only time the the bride gets things specifically for herself... but I don''t know how to say this to the main girl without sounding like a snob.

So, would you have the shower as well, knowing that the bride would love it... or would you skip the shower because a few of the girls might make a big deal about not being able to afford something?

FYI- I found a beach house for a whole weekend, and it is only costing the girls $100/person. Am I out of line, or is this not THAT expensive? The $100 includes a $10 pitch in for food and alcohol for the whole weekend. They don''t have to do anything but send a check and show up.

I might be biased here, because the girl/s that might not have enough money, already went super cheap on her Bridal shower that she hated. It was literally just people sitting around for 2 hours. No one did anything but open gifts. No food, no drinks, nothing. They didn''t even attempt to decorate. I really want this to be everything she wants and more and to be an incredible weekend. I know that the bride would hate missing out on this shower.

It sounds to me like this is the norm for your group of friends so IMO you should do the lingerie shower. Like others have said, lingerie dosn''t have to be expensive and girls with lower budgets could combine funds if they wanted to get her somthing nicer. I just think if it''s the norm she may expect it and be dissapointed if she "misses out'' on this tradition amoungst your friends.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

I definitely don''t think you are asking for so much. Especially if they were already aware that it was coming.

There are many places to get inexpensive lingerie without giving her "cheap" things. VS is currently having their semi-annual sale, I just bought a babydoll/panty set for under $30 and there were others on sale as well.

Fredericks usually has things on clearance and when I had mine, several girls went to Fredericks instead of VS because of the cost. In addition to Target, which has really cute nighties, there is also TJMaxx and Marshall''s that all have lingerie sections that are very comparable to department stores and way less expensive.

I think that your friend deserves to have whatever is the norm and since you found the house and planned the weekend, I would recommend that you send out the invites with Ringleader''s name as the contact, but include the lingerie shower. If people really can''t afford it, they won''t come.

I''m sure you guys will have a terrific time!

 

[JerseyGrl81]

Your friend is very lucky to have YOU as a friend. It seems like you really care about giving her the same pre-wedding experience that your group of friends enjoy. I think it is important that she has it as well. The price that you got for the weekend is great. If the girls don''t want to spend a lot more on the lingerie shower why dont you ask them to chip in about $20 or so and make the honeymoon basket you mentioned and have it be from all the girls?

 

[Haven]

You''re such a good friend, Mere.

I would do the lingerie shower along with the weekend away. If I were in a tight financial spot, as some of the girls are right now, I would decline the weekend trip and send a gift along with one of the other girls, instead. I was invited to a lot of similar bachelorette parties back when I was a graduate student before I started teaching, and I could never really afford to go, so that''s what I always did.

In my circle we always give fun or naughty gifts to the bride at the bachelorette party. We never called it a lingerie shower, but it''s always what we did. I''d be shocked if someone showed up to a bachelorette party without a gift for the bride.

I think your weekend sounds awesome, and $100 for all of that sounds like a steal to me!

 

[sillyberry]

Date: 1/10/2010 9:47:12 PM
Author: Haven
You''re such a good friend, Mere.


I would do the lingerie shower along with the weekend away. If I were in a tight financial spot, as some of the girls are right now, I would decline the weekend trip and send a gift along with one of the other girls, instead. I was invited to a lot of similar bachelorette parties back when I was a graduate student before I started teaching, and I could never really afford to go, so that''s what I always did.


In my circle we always give fun or naughty gifts to the bride at the bachelorette party. We never called it a lingerie shower, but it''s always what we did. I''d be shocked if someone showed up to a bachelorette party without a gift for the bride.


I think your weekend sounds awesome, and $100 for all of that sounds like a steal to me!

Really? It would NEVER occur to me to bring a gift to a bachelorette party. Am I gauche?

As to the general problem at hand - $100 sounds like a good deal for the weekend, but it might not be how they see themselves spending $100. Since you mentioned they did a lackluster job on the shower, perhaps they really just don''t have the money? Resentment can create a lot of negative feelings, and for the group happiness quotient, tacking on the additional responsibility of the lingerie shower might not be worth it. Or perhaps the new girl in charge is considering canceling the lingerie portion because she''s out of work herself and feeling the strain?

Do you think the bride would rather have something where all her girls felt financially comfortable attending, or having the traditional shebang? I don''t think either answer is normatively right, but it might help clarify what you should say to the organizer.

I also think your idea about putting together photos of the bride with each girl is really sweet!

 

[meresal]

Chibride- That is a great idea, and we actually already did something similar to that for the shower I threw her. She always invisioned a winter wedding, and when that didn''t work out, we decided to throw her a "Winter Wonderland" Bridal shower instead. I asked everyone to bring or send a Christmas ornament that would remind her of your friendship. (She recently moved into a new apartment, so she and her FI were having their first Christmas tree, and this would have given her things to put on it and remind her of friends/family!) Guess how many of them participated... none. Not one of them sent a single ornament, but why would I expect that being as they didn''t even RSVP. I don''t think they would do the panty thing either unfortunately.

TG- The night before would be great, except that I am not a BM. I am going to be 8 months preggo, so I decide to tell her that I would just help with everything along the way. I don''t really feel comfortable planning things for the night before the wedding, when I''m not actually part of the wedding party. Ya know? The beach house is what the bride really wants, so it would be great if as many people as possible could make it.

JerseyGirl- Unfortunately, if they don''t want to pay for one thing, it usually means they don''t want to pay for anything. If I can''t convince the main girl to put this on the invite, then the basket will be done by myself and one other girl. I don''t care, I just want her to have something special. If we don''t have something that is specifically FOR her, then this is just a girls'' weekend, not a Bachelorette Party.

Haven- That is where I am torn. I would assume to bring something small, if it doesn''t say lingerie shower (though, admittedly, I have NEVER been to a B-Party that didn''t have at least some kind of shower combined with it)... and my friends would as well. I am not sure what these girls would think, but it would be weird to me for their not to be a shower.

Sillyberry- I honestly don''t know the answer to a few of your questions. I do know that the girl in charge already told me that the lingerie part would not be a problem for her. As far as what the bride would want, to be honest, I think she feels like she is getting the short end of the stick. These girls haven''t really gone out of their way to make anything easy on her while planning, and so I think that is where I get my feeling of, "Screw it. We''re doing what she wants."

Thank you for all of your replies. I sent a reply to the "girl in charge" a few hours ago explaining why I felt like it was important that we have something special just for the Bride, but haven''t heard anything back. The party is in almost exactly 2 months, so I know that the invites need to be ordered very soon... I really hope that we are able to figure something out, that won''t keep people from attending all together. I think that we have done this as inexpensive as you can get for an entire weekend, and the bride realizes that. I will keep you all updated on whatever I hear.

Thanks again for your advice!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

I think $100 is reasonable for a weekend. Are you going to be going out at all or just staying inside?

With regards to the lingerie party, I don''t think you would be a snob to suggest it, if you really want it. Just be careful HOW you suggest it. Come from the perspective of "I think the bride would really like it, and they usually end up being a lot of fun for everyone." Besides, maybe you could include other things that are cheaper (like toys and "gag" gifts, unless you think the bride would be totally turned off by that). Or, a few of them can go in on a gift together if they really can''t afford to buy something individually.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/10/2010 11:27:19 PM
Author: Amanda.Rx
I think $100 is reasonable for a weekend. Are you going to be going out at all or just staying inside?

With regards to the lingerie party, I don't think you would be a snob to suggest it, if you really want it. Just be careful HOW you suggest it. Come from the perspective of 'I think the bride would really like it, and they usually end up being a lot of fun for everyone.' Besides, maybe you could include other things that are cheaper (like toys and 'gag' gifts, unless you think the bride would be totally turned off by that). Or, a few of them can go in on a gift together if they really can't afford to buy something individually.

The house that I found has a fully functional kitchen, so the extra $10 that we are asking everyone to pay is going to be used to buy all the food and alcohol that we will need for the weekend. Like lunch meat (etc.) for lunch and all the fixings for a nice Italian dinner on Saturday night. That will include salad, spaghetti, garlic bread, etc.

We will not go out to bars. The house, that is on a beach, is also in a community that has fire pits, hot tubs, and a small deli by the pool where you can get snaks if you wanted something else. There will be plenty to do around the house during the day and at night, so no one should have to leave for anything.

 

[meresal]

Well, I just got the first "Information" email that was sent to most of the girls... and the Bride was copied as well. (IMO,

. I don't think the bride should be involved in ANY of this.) Girl in charge never replied to my last message to her, about insisting that it is important to have something that is just for the Bride (ie, the shower)

Anyway, the email, as it pertains to the cost, just proves how that entire group sees spending money as this "Big, bad, monster."

Here is the email,
"Hey ladies! The date has been set and we have a Bachelorette Party for the future Mrs. D coming up!!!

The Bridesmaids are in the process of picking out invitations and will be mailed out shortly! But be ready to come to the best beach bachelorette party ever!

For now, the not-so-fun part...money

Meresal has found us a great beach house to party in. It is going to be $100 each. K is going to collect the money from everyone down in the CL area. If you could make the checks out to K, that would be great, that way we can write a single check to the rental company.

That’s it for now, and I will keep everyone posted as to the rest of the party plans!"

(Yes, the unhappy face was put into the email by her... that is not something I added.)


FOR THE NOT SO FUN PART?!?!? REALLY?!?!? Paying to spend an incredible weekend with your best friend who is about to get married and give her an awesome time to remember is "Not-so-fun"??? YES, the BRIDE was copied on that!

She didn't even mention that the $100 is going to take care of EVERYTHING for the entire weekend, and what a great deal it is. She could at least make people feel like they are getting a good deal, and not like they are signing their life savings away.

 

[luckystar112]

I wouldn''t read too much into that, Mere. Asking people to fork over cash can be uncomfortable, which is probably why she worded it like that (especially since she can''t predict the reactions of the other girls--will they be fine with the price? Think it is too much?). I''m sure she wasn''t trying to say that the weekend wouldn''t be fun, or that it was such an inconvenience to everyone. She probably just felt weird discussing money.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 1/11/2010 2:38:19 PM
Author: luckystar112
I wouldn''t read too much into that, Mere. Asking people to fork over cash can be uncomfortable, which is probably why she worded it like that (especially since she can''t predict the reactions of the other girls--will they be fine with the price? Think it is too much?). I''m sure she wasn''t trying to say that the weekend wouldn''t be fun, or that it was such an inconvenience to everyone. She probably just felt weird discussing money.

Agreed. Although she certainly could have done without the sad face! But I am guessing she probably is very uncomfortable asking people for money-so she thought that might soften it by saying it like that.

At least she sent the email and your friend is getting her weekend right?

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/11/2010 2:38:19 PM
Author: luckystar112
I wouldn't read too much into that, Mere. Asking people to fork over cash can be uncomfortable, which is probably why she worded it like that (especially since she can't predict the reactions of the other girls--will they be fine with the price? Think it is too much?). I'm sure she wasn't trying to say that the weekend wouldn't be fun, or that it was such an inconvenience to everyone. She probably just felt weird discussing money.

I definitely understand that you can't predict how people will react, but there is such a thing as "leading" someone into a reaction, which is what I feel her email did.

I guess that is how I felt anyway. If you portray money as the antagonist, then people are going to see it that way. If she had tried to play up what a great deal the weekend is going to be, then people will see it as a Great Deal. You know?

NF- You are right, at least she is getting her weekend. I just wanted it to be really special. I guess it is just hard for me to let go of "my ideas" since this other girl wanted to take over. I need to stop worrying and just be a guest. I will just hate it if we get down there and nothing has been planned for the entire weekend, because none of the BM's wanted to spend the extra cash... and it ends in the bride being dissapointed, again. (Like her other birdal shower was...)

 

[tlh]

Maybe that was her way of getting down to business. You mentioned that she is out of work right now... that $100 may be all she is fixated on right now, because of her particular situation. I don''t think that the bride should be cc''d on any of the financial discussions though. The bride should not feel that her girls are being put out or stretched beyond their means to throw her a party. The girls should not be expected to throw a 2nd party for the bride that goes beyond their means. The "dirty part" of the email... the not so happy part, is something that the bride should not be included on. That way if there is any back and forth on price - she doesn''t need to know about it.

Now, $100/person is a bargian for a weekend on the beach! Fun times for all! I think I would try to sell it... and if this price comes with any sticker shock - the delivery may be a part. Is this $100 just for the room - is the bride expected to pay her part because she was on the email.... does this include food/drink etc... or are those extras? Are we going out while we are there.... is this $100 base price, really more like $200-300? Does this $100 cover travel etc. There are a lot of questions the lead did not address, and as an invitee those are things I would wonder about. But $100 for an all expense paid weekend celebration w/ my BFFs would not be too much to pay for. IF the girls were expecting that a 2nd party would be thrown anyway.

I think the trip sounds fun, but I would think that some more clarifications will be necessary.

 

[Haven]

Date: 1/10/2010 10:51:59 PM
Author: sillyberry

Date: 1/10/2010 9:47:12 PM
Author: Haven
You''re such a good friend, Mere.

I would do the lingerie shower along with the weekend away. If I were in a tight financial spot, as some of the girls are right now, I would decline the weekend trip and send a gift along with one of the other girls, instead. I was invited to a lot of similar bachelorette parties back when I was a graduate student before I started teaching, and I could never really afford to go, so that''s what I always did.

In my circle we always give fun or naughty gifts to the bride at the bachelorette party. We never called it a lingerie shower, but it''s always what we did. I''d be shocked if someone showed up to a bachelorette party without a gift for the bride.

I think your weekend sounds awesome, and $100 for all of that sounds like a steal to me!

Really? It would NEVER occur to me to bring a gift to a bachelorette party. Am I gauche?

No, not at all! I think this is a case of different circles of friends doing different things. We always watch the bride unwrap her gifts before we go out for the night, so I guess lingerie showers are built-in to the way we throw bachelorette parties, that''s all.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/11/2010 2:50:09 PM
Author: tlh
Maybe that was her way of getting down to business. You mentioned that she is out of work right now... that $100 may be all she is fixated on right now, because of her particular situation. I don''t think that the bride should be cc''d on any of the financial discussions though. The bride should not feel that her girls are being put out or stretched beyond their means to throw her a party. The girls should not be expected to throw a 2nd party for the bride that goes beyond their means. The ''dirty part'' of the email... the not so happy part, is something that the bride should not be included on. That way if there is any back and forth on price - she doesn''t need to know about it.

Now, $100/person is a bargian for a weekend on the beach! Fun times for all! I think I would try to sell it... and if this price comes with any sticker shock - the delivery may be a part. Is this $100 just for the room - is the bride expected to pay her part because she was on the email.... does this include food/drink etc... or are those extras? Are we going out while we are there.... is this $100 base price, really more like $200-300? Does this $100 cover travel etc. There are a lot of questions the lead did not address, and as an invitee those are things I would wonder about. But $100 for an all expense paid weekend celebration w/ my BFFs would not be too much to pay for. IF the girls were expecting that a 2nd party would be thrown anyway.

I think the trip sounds fun, but I would think that some more clarifications will be necessary.

She already told me specifically that doing a fun gift as well, wouldn''t be a problem for her... With that said, if it really is a problem, and she just doesn''t want to say so, then don''t make a big stink about feeling like she "should" be the one to plan the event. Why would you offer to throw a party, and then complain about the cost of things?

It wouldn''t even be a second party. It would be something for the Saturday evening, while we are at the beach house. I''m not sure what they were expecting, I just know that from talking with the bride and within my group, it is expected that there will be a "fun" shower to go along with the party.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 1/10/2010 7:04:30 PM
Author: neatfreak
I think regardless of whether it''s a ''steal'' or not-if some of the bridesmaids legitimately can''t afford it then you need to respect that.

That being said, I think you could do some group lingerie gifts maybe, where those that can pitch in, do.

I totally understand wanting your friend to have what she deserves but at the same time you can''t be ticked off at someone if they just can''t afford it KWIM?

ETA: Is there any way you/the other hostess/the richer friends could pick up the tab and split it among yourselves? That way your friend gets the weekend and those that really can''t afford it won''t feel bad. I doubt it would cost much more PP.

This.

I may be speaking out of ignorance here but can you do a theme that is a little cheaper? Maybe instead of lingerie, kitchen utensils or bathroom stuff (like lotions, etc.). I don''t know--may be cheaper?

And would something like a potluck not really work?

 

[sillyberry]

Two thoughts, one practical, one cerebral:

Meresal, could you send a Reply All email saying something like "this weekend is going to be so fantastic - can''t wait to see everyone and celebrate D!" That might be an upbeat note that you could strike without taking anything on yourself.

Second, I realize that one reason I''m having so much trouble thinking about this issue is that I don''t have a group of girls where things are done a certain way, so there is nothing to compare anything else to. Each event I''ve gone to had stood on its own, entirely distinct from each other, so I can''t say the bride got shafted because she didn''t get the traditional experience. I mean, if I had to pick my imaginary bridesmaids today, I don''t think any of them have ever met each other. What do you do with that?!?

PS - Haven, I''m glad I haven''t been violating some rule of which I wasn''t aware. I would feel terrible!