Baby shower blunder - help!

[vespergirl]

I need some advice regarding something I said to a good friend - I'm not sure how to proceed ...

Two of my best friends are expecting second babies. For both, the second baby is coming 18 months after the first, and both are having a baby of the same sex as the older sibling. Following traditional etiquette, I think that second baby showers are tacky - ESPECIALLY in the circumstances that the babies are only a year and a half apart and of the same sex - don't you have everything already? When I had my second son, I explicitly told everyone that I DID NOT want a shower because it would be inappropriate, but my girlfriends really wanted to do something, so instead we just had dinner at a casual restaurant and everyone brought a small gift for the new baby (book, hat) even though I had specifically asked for no gifts.

Anyway, friend A is due in Sept., and friend B in Nov. Friend B asked me if I had planned a shower for A, since her birth is around the corner - A had told B that she was expecting that I would throw her a shower, like I did for her first a year and a half ago, and she was surprised that she didn't hear about it yet. I told B that I was planning to invite A out to brunch with our two closest friends & give her a gift for the baby, but then I launched into a 5 minute tirade about how annoyed I was that she expected a full-on shower, and that it was unseemly and looked like she was gift-grabbing. This was received by uncomfortable silence by friend B.

A few days later, I received an invite for a big baby shower that B's best friend is throwing for her - a huge party, and the invite included the registry list (for expensive things like strollers!) and also a request for gift cards Of course, I felt like a total jerk for going off on how tacky I thought it was to throw a second shower to friend B, and now her uncomfortable silence on the phone was explained. To make matters worse, she called me right after she new I got the invite, to say that she was unsure whether she should invite her American friends to the shower (she is an immigrant) since she knew that second showers are considered tacky here - she sounded embarrassed that she was having the shower, and told me that she understood how I felt, and that she would understand if I couldn't make it. Basically, she said that she didn't know if it was worse to invite me, or to exclude me. Awkward!

Now I don't want to go to the shower because I'm embarrassed and am afraid that I embarrassed her as well, but also am not in favor of attending a big second shower on principle where other people will be giving her strollers and carseats when I just got her baby a little outfit.

So, what do I do? Should I go or not? Do I owe her an apology? Do I just decline and hope that this all blows over & she doesn't get offend? Can she get offended when I feel that she's the one doing something gauche? Am I just totally old-fashioned, or does this sound gift-grabby to you guys? I am just so uncomfortable because apparently I'm the only one of my friends who heeds by traditional etiquette - help! What would you do?

 

[Laila619]

I personally find second showers very tacky also. But what can you do? Just attend the shower and give her a nice but inexpensive gift. That's probably what I'd do. Or just say you already have plans for that day. And no, I certainly don't think you owe her an apology! You're not the one being gift grabby.

 

[TravelingGal]

Please don't get me started on second full on baby showers. Ugh. I feel for you.

I would tell her that you would love to take her out to brunch, but that you wouldn't feel right going to her shower after the point you made. It will also save on the headcount, which her best friend will probably secretly appreciate.

 

[Steel]

Reading with particular interest, the bit where she did not know if it was worse to include you or exclude you; I would absolutely go and I'd call her than thank her for the invite. I would say, well you know how I feel but of course I'm delighted to celebrate this baby with you and happy you invited me.
She wants you there and she doesn't want to upset you. Go and get her the same present you would have bought for the brunch. That way you have complied with a relaxed version of traditional etiquette and she has her friend at her second shower. She sounds nice, to me. I hope the remainder of both of their pregnancies goes smoothly and they birth happy healthy babes.

 

[Nashville]

Yikes! How awkward! I'll answer your questions in order.

Should I go or not? Yes, go. If she's a friend it will speak volumes that you were there to celebrate her new baby and may help smooth over any bruised feelings.
Do I owe her an apology? You don't *owe* her an apology, no. But if you know her feelings are hurt, just pull her aside and explain that you weren't trying to be harsh and you hope she can move on from what you said. You're certainly entitled to your own opinion either way but it may just ease your own mind. I know I don't like unresolved issues with friends.
Do I just decline and hope that this all blows over & she doesn't get offend? That's your call, but it can't hurt and could only help to show up and congratulate her. Obviously don't do anything you feel strongly opposed to or uncomfortable over.
Can she get offended when I feel that she's the one doing something gauche? Sure she can! This sounds like a cultural difference more than anything though.
Am I just totally old-fashioned, or does this sound gift-grabby to you guys? Personally, I think second showers are a bit much.

 

[TravelingGal]

Reading with particular interest, the bit where she did not know if it was worse to include you or exclude you; I would absolutely go and I'd call her than thank her for the invite. I would say, well you know how I feel but of course I'm delighted to celebrate this baby with you and happy you invited me.
She wants you there and she doesn't want to upset you. Go and get her the same present you would have bought for the brunch. That way you have complied with a relaxed version of traditional etiquette and she has her friend at her second shower. She sounds nice, to me. I hope the remainder of both of their pregnancies goes smoothly and they birth happy healthy babes.

Gotta admit, this is probably the nicer, classier thing to do than what I suggested...but I've never claimed to be classy.

 

[monarch64]

Oh boy, Vesper. I don't disagree with you at all. Just go to the shower and bring what you would've given her anyway (the outfit). If this is how you really feel then it is not wrong to quietly demonstrate your opinion by bringing the gift you feel is appropriate. If anyone says anything to you or makes comments, you should probably just say that the issue has been resolved and then change the subject.

I intend to have 3 showers for each kid I have...since everyone else is doing it.

 

[AprilBaby]

I am older so I feel differently. Since you already gave your opinion, I would decline and send small gift to commemorate the event and do something else that day.

 

[tyty333]

I would take her out to lunch and give her an outfit like you planned for friend A. I think sometimes baby showers (second ones)
are pushed on people who dont really want it (the hostess wont take no for an answer). Your friend sounds really nice.

I cant believe that someone you had already thrown a shower for expected you to do it for her again!?! Thats really just
asking for too much (IMO).

If you are lucky maybe the word will get out that you "don't do" second baby showers (host or attend ).

 

[MonkeyPie]

Tacky or not (and whether YOU would do it or not), does not mean everyone agrees with you. After what you said, I would not go, but would take her to the brunch like you wanted with the one small gift.

Remember, not everyone has the same opinion as you.

 

[TravelingGal]

Oh boy, Vesper. I don't disagree with you at all. Just go to the shower and bring what you would've given her anyway (the outfit). If this is how you really feel then it is not wrong to quietly demonstrate your opinion by bringing the gift you feel is appropriate. If anyone says anything to you or makes comments, you should probably just say that the issue has been resolved and then change the subject.

I intend to have 3 showers for each kid I have...since everyone else is doing it.

Ha Monnie, I think that's part of the problem...in a circle of friends, if everyone is doing it, then everyone feels it's their due to have 5 showers because they've been buying gifts for everyone else (or throwing the shower).

In some cultures I think multiple showers are OK. And I think there is nothing wrong in celebrating each baby. It just drives me nuts when people expect their friends to throw them another show. No, I'm not speaking from experience at all...........

 

[vespergirl]

Thanks everyone for your opinions & advice. Friend B is super nice (the one who is having the big shower). She has two groups of friends - her American friends & her friends from her own country who are also expats living here. Among our American friend group, she is closest to me, and she tells me that she often feels that she makes social faux pas because of cultural differences, and she always beats herself up about it. That's why I feel so bad - I can tell that she's embarrassed, because now she thinks that I think she's gift-grabby. Meanwhile, I really do think she's a wonderful person & good friend, despite the shower issue.

Tyty, at first I thought like you did, that maybe her other friends were throwing her a shower no matter what she wanted (like my friends did when I told them not to do anything, but they talked me into at least a casual dinner with the girls when they wouldn't take no for an answer). However, when I saw her gift registry (for thousands of dollars worth of gifts - seriously!) then I realized that she really does have a hand in everything, and it really is over the top.

When she called yesterday to tell me about it, I told her that I didn't think that I would be able to make it because I wasn't sure that DH could watch the kids the day of her shower, so she isn't expecting me, but now I feel like maybe I should go ... I am going to call the other 2 girls from the "American friends" and see if they're going ... if not, I would be the only native English-speaker there, and they usually speak their own language when it's a majority expat group, so I wouldn't fit in anyway ...

I just placed a call to the one friend that isn't involved in this to get her opinion on what I should do too - I can't wait to talk to her ...

 

[monarch64]

Oh boy, Vesper. I don't disagree with you at all. Just go to the shower and bring what you would've given her anyway (the outfit). If this is how you really feel then it is not wrong to quietly demonstrate your opinion by bringing the gift you feel is appropriate. If anyone says anything to you or makes comments, you should probably just say that the issue has been resolved and then change the subject.

I intend to have 3 showers for each kid I have...since everyone else is doing it.

Ha Monnie, I think that's part of the problem...in a circle of friends, if everyone is doing it, then everyone feels it's their due to have 5 showers because they've been buying gifts for everyone else (or throwing the shower).

In some cultures I think multiple showers are OK. And I think there is nothing wrong in celebrating each baby. It just drives me nuts when people expect their friends to throw them another show. No, I'm not speaking from experience at all...........

Yeah, it's the expectation that seems rather vulgar to me. I suppose it is one of those cycles that will never stop being perpetuated, though, whether it is wedding-related, baby-related...uh, what's next--final arrangements-related?

One of my very good friends is pregnant (surprise!) with her 3rd. There will be 6 years between the birth of this one and her last, and when she told me about the pregnancy the first thing I said was "Yay! We can give you a shower!" She would NEVER have asked for, or expected one, but she said her MIL said the same thing (that it would be appropriate to give her a shower).

Oh, and question: if I'm re-marrying and my BFF is still my BFF but also happened to be MOH for my first wedding and hosted my bachelorette, etc., can I not ask her again to be MOH? KIDDING!

 

[monarch64]

And Vesper--you can be a really nice person and still be gift-grabby. Nobody's perfect, right?!? I'm sure this will all work out, it's just a bit of an awkward situation.

 

[kenny]

Do I just decline and hope that this all blows over & she doesn't get offend?

Yes.

If she is offended that's on her.
It's got nothing to do with you.
You have done nothing wrong

Expectations vary, that's why we respect diversity.
Some people will go to a second baby shower, others won't.
That's perfectly fine that people vary.

I really try to resist the temptation to align myself with the "one right way" of doing just about anything.
There frequently is no one right way, unless we're talking about obvious absolute stuff like murder and what 2+2 equals.
I look for what feels right to me, and try to not expect others to agree.

 

[RedRobbin]

Reading with particular interest, the bit where she did not know if it was worse to include you or exclude you; I would absolutely go and I'd call her than thank her for the invite. I would say, well you know how I feel but of course I'm delighted to celebrate this baby with you and happy you invited me.
She wants you there and she doesn't want to upset you. Go and get her the same present you would have bought for the brunch. That way you have complied with a relaxed version of traditional etiquette and she has her friend at her second shower. She sounds nice, to me. I hope the remainder of both of their pregnancies goes smoothly and they birth happy healthy babes.

This is very good advice. And I agree also that your friend sounds nice as do you, Vesper. Go to the shower.

 

[partgypsy]

I guess I'll disagree, or at least ask what is considered a baby shower. When I was pregnant with my second child the coworkers I became close friends with and who didn't know me when I had my first child really wanted to throw a shower for me. When I mentioned that this was happening my SIL informed me that was bad form. But why? Why should you celebrate the birth of the first child and there should be this "vacumn" for the second? We went out to a really nice place for tea and I received gifts, but really the most meaningful thing was that they were happy and there for me. I can't explain but it meant alot.

BTW I'm not gift grabby person. I eloped when I got married and when we threw a party for our friends we said "no gifts". Upon the insistence of my MIL I did register for some things for the shower for my first child, and was actually told by someone I hadn't registered for ENOUGH stuff for the shower. But it honestly makes me feel uncomfortable to see those registry lists with very expensive things like furniture listed.

 

[partgypsy]

Ps I personally would go to this friend's party and give a small gift, whatever you would have given sans shower. But only go if you can be there and supportive as a friend. If it offends you that she is having this shower and you can't hide it, best not go.

 

[doodle]

I had never heard that having a shower for a second child (or anything beyond your first) was bad form until this forum. I always thought that a baby shower was a celebration of the baby coming and not a celebration of a woman's first foray into motherhood. No judgment for those who view it otherwise, but for myself, I've always looked forward to giving a token to the mother to welcome her newest addition, and if nobody else had claimed it, I've always jumped on throwing the shower for it, too. Perhaps I've lumped myself into the minority out of sheer love for throwing a party...

 

[Nashville]

I had never heard that having a shower for a second child (or anything beyond your first) was bad form until this forum. I always thought that a baby shower was a celebration of the baby coming and not a celebration of a woman's first foray into motherhood. No judgment for those who view it otherwise, but for myself, I've always looked forward to giving a token to the mother to welcome her newest addition, and if nobody else had claimed it, I've always jumped on throwing the shower for it, too. Perhaps I've lumped myself into the minority out of sheer love for throwing a party...

I don't think there's anything wrong with a 2nd baby party because all babies are certainly worth celebrating. But I think there's also a BIG difference between a fun girl's luncheon to celebrate, and a registry with things like strollers and car seats. Most mothers who have already had the shower for their first baby already got these things, or were given hand-me-downs. It's not about helping/guiding a new mommy anymore once you're on your second baby.

If I were to choose to have another baby, that's my choice and I wouldn't expect others to finance it. But take my opinion in stride, I didn't even want ONE baby shower!

 

[Cehrabehra]

Personally I think that holding to a proper and old fashioned "one time only" etiquette is passe. I think every child should be celebrated... maybe the 2nd one should be gifts for the mother, massage coupons - and diapers are always needed. Sure you don't need to all pitch in on a stroller, but coupons for babysitting would be welcome I'm sure!

I just don't get the animosity that some people associate with 2nd baby showers. To me it is akin to throwing scorn at a non-virgin wearing white at their wedding.

 

[Cehrabehra]

wow, I can't believe the responses! No one wants to celebrate? Who the hell cares about gifts anyways? I was seriously bummed I didn't get showers for my 2nd and 3rd children... I didn't need gifts, just games and cake and good friends and laughter!

I think the people who focus on GREED on *both* sides of this issue need to think about their priorities.

 

[Cehrabehra]

Reading with particular interest, the bit where she did not know if it was worse to include you or exclude you; I would absolutely go and I'd call her than thank her for the invite. I would say, well you know how I feel but of course I'm delighted to celebrate this baby with you and happy you invited me.
She wants you there and she doesn't want to upset you. Go and get her the same present you would have bought for the brunch. That way you have complied with a relaxed version of traditional etiquette and she has her friend at her second shower. She sounds nice, to me. I hope the remainder of both of their pregnancies goes smoothly and they birth happy healthy babes.

doesn't happen often but steal - you can totally speak for me on this, you did it way calmer than I!

 

[MissMina]

I have never heard before that showers for subsequent babies are tacky.
Isn't every birth a cause for celebration?
Doesn't every little one deserve something new?
Especially if they are the same gender and will be getting a lot of hand me downs?
My relatives and friends have had as many as four children and we had a shower
for each and every one of them
It was never about money.
A group might go in together on a stroller or car seat
But none of us spent more than $10-$20
on any shower gift.

If you want to go go
If you don't don't

Now about second wedding showers.......................

 

[Laila619]

I guess I'll disagree, or at least ask what is considered a baby shower. When I was pregnant with my second child the coworkers I became close friends with and who didn't know me when I had my first child really wanted to throw a shower for me. When I mentioned that this was happening my SIL informed me that was bad form. But why? Why should you celebrate the birth of the first child and there should be this "vacumn" for the second? We went out to a really nice place for tea and I received gifts, but really the most meaningful thing was that they were happy and there for me. I can't explain but it meant alot.

You can celebrate every baby. It doesn't mean you have to do it in the form of a shower, which is expressly for giving presents. You are supposed to 'shower' the new mom-to-be with gifts to help her out. With baby two, three, or four, she presumably has all the expensive gear already, and to ask for more gifts looks gift-grabby to a lot of people. Just like when a bride is going on her second marriage, she shouldn't have another bridal shower.

You can have a party after the baby is born to celebrate his or her arrival.

 

[Shoopy]

I come from a family and culture where showers are given to each baby, no matter the age difference, no matter the sex so keep this in mind as my view is skewed based on my experiences.

I understand the judgment. I do. What I don't understand is how you can call these ladies your best friend and NOT want to celebrate a new addition into their family simply out of principle. I just don't get this at all. If a person I loved enough to call my bestfriend was having a second shower, I would be very happy to attend.

Does that mean you have to spend $100s on a gift? Absolutely not. For a second(+) shower I usually give necessaties like diapers, something personalized, or a little outfit like one for the big sibling and one for the younger sibling (big brother, little sister kind of thing).

ETA: I should also add that it is not standard to register at all in my family. I think I was the first person who ever registered for a shower. Most of my gifts did not come from the registry.

 

[natalina]

Personally, I would NEVER register when having a second baby. That said, I do think each baby deserves to be celebrated. I really like the idea of a party/dinner out to celebrate the baby's impending arrival with a 'no/small gifts only' policy. Although, one of our good friends is about to have her second baby girl and we received an email from another friend (mass email sent to a big group) asking if we would like to pitch in on a BOB Duallie- it was very "no pressure, just putting it out there", and we didn't even think twice about pitching in. WIth all the people involved, it only came to about $30 a piece, and actually we were just asked to contribute what we were comfortable with. Realistically, our friend will need a double stroller now as her first is only a bit over 2 so we were happy to help.

Vesper, I would probably explain to your friend that you didn't mean to hurt her feeling or make her feel uncomfortable, and that you understand that this is just a cultural difference. Then I would either go (with the gift you had planned) or take her to lunch. I'm sure she knows you didn't mean any ill will.

 

[TravelingGal]

wow, I can't believe the responses! No one wants to celebrate? Who the hell cares about gifts anyways? I was seriously bummed I didn't get showers for my 2nd and 3rd children... I didn't need gifts, just games and cake and good friends and laughter!

I think the people who focus on GREED on *both* sides of this issue need to think about their priorities.

Some people just hate baby showers, gifts or not. I personally detest baby shower games.

As for celebrating...I'll be honest and say that I see baby showers more as a celebration to welcome the woman to motherhood. That is a big step in her life and yay yay yay for her. For any other children, I'm all for taking out the mom to lunch to congratulate her, but it's not the huge celebration IMHO that the first one is.

I mean, where's the line? If one has 10 children, does one expect friends to throw her a shower for all 10? And why can't people just PAY for their OWN celebrations, if that's really the reason? If I had another child, I'd invite my closest friends, say absolutely no gifts, and treat them all to an afternoon tea or something.

 

[RedRobbin]

wow, I can't believe the responses! No one wants to celebrate? Who the hell cares about gifts anyways? I was seriously bummed I didn't get showers for my 2nd and 3rd children... I didn't need gifts, just games and cake and good friends and laughter!

I think the people who focus on GREED on *both* sides of this issue need to think about their priorities.

Some people just hate baby showers, gifts or not. I personally detest baby shower games.

Me too.

 

[movie zombie]

[Some people just hate baby showers, gifts or not. I personally detest baby shower games.

As for celebrating...I'll be honest and say that I see baby showers more as a celebration to welcome the woman to motherhood. That is a big step in her life and yay yay yay for her. For any other children, I'm all for taking out the mom to lunch to congratulate her, but it's not the huge celebration IMHO that the first one is.

I mean, where's the line? If one has 10 children, does one expect friends to throw her a shower for all 10? And why can't people just PAY for their OWN celebrations, if that's really the reason? If I had another child, I'd invite my closest friends, say absolutely no gifts, and treat them all to an afternoon tea or something.

completely agree on all points.

MoZo