Home Babies - How Did You Know When You Were Ready?

[brightlight]

My hubby and I both just entered our 30s, and we''re talking about when we want to start having children. I don''t feel like I''m quite ready yet for several reasons. We have a lot of issues with his family. I don''t really want them near our children for various reasons at this point, but I also don''t want to ban them from seeing their grandchildren. I also want to wait at least a year before I get pregnant so the economy has a little time to turn around. Most importantly, I don''t know that I can handle all the responsibilities of raising a child. My husband and I are both responsible people and fairly successful in life, but I still worry about being able to care for a child.

 

[Courtneylub]

I''ll tell you this. You''ll never be ready to have children if you wait for your family to change! We have had to set some boundaries for certain family members, but we''ve also had to give in a little as well.

It''s normal to worry about caring for a child, but once that baby arrives...it''s just what you do. You will care for that child right away. You won''t be perfect at it, but no one is.

I see why you would want to wait for the economy to turn around, but that may take several years. If you''re both successful right now, that shouldn''t be much of an issue.

It sounds like you''re just a little nervous and that''s perfectly normal. When I was married to my first husband, I started out wanting children with him right away. As time went on, I started getting more and more nervous about it until I finally realized I didn''t want him to father my children. It was a huge red flag for me and I finally left him years later. I''m sure that''s not your situation at all, but I thought I''d share mine. When I remarried the right man, I knew I wanted children soon after the wedding. I was just ready and so was my husband.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I don''t think anyone is ever really "ready." There''s always going to be something that could be better or you could be more ahead on, but somehow it all works out...

 

[Sabine]

I think you''re ready when the desire to have kids is so strong that you start rationalizing away all the "problems" you are currently finding...I agree that the situation will never be perfect, you just have to be willing to make it work.

 

[Shoopy]

People who strive to always do better and who really work towards their future never really feel ready. It''s that internal motivation to continue to succeed and if you put off having children until you reach that point, you may very well wait for years.

We were thrown into having a baby as we didn''t plan. But we both have spent our lives striving for a better future. We have saved money over the years, gotten ourselves into good careers, and we have a home (albeit a small home). Can things be better? Sure but it always can be. I don''t think we''ll ever stop trying to be better. So even though we weren''t "ready" we are.

 

[MustangGal]

I don''t think I was quite "ready", but was also getting older, and we had been married 5 years, so I set some goals, and said we would try when whe reached those goals. Mine were to have so much money in savings incase one of us lost a job we would be OK, to make enough each year to afford baby-related expenses, and to take one last great vacation with just the 2 of us. It took us 2 years to reach those goals, and that gave me time to warm up to the child raising idea. If you keep waiting for the "prefect" time, it''ll never come, you''ll still find excuses.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I don''t think there''s ever the "right" time to have a baby, and I don''t think you''re ever prepared for what becoming a parent entails until it happens. Families don''t change and sometimes you need to set up boundaries right away, I know I have.

I knew I was ready when I started thinking about being pregnant and being a mother more often than not - and I was squarely in the "he!! no" camp for a long time. My husband is a complete natural with kids and he was ready before we were even married. He was beyond happy when I told him I was (finally) ready to start a family.

 

[TravelingGal]

I had 40 weeks to get ready.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:08:41 AM
Author: TravelingGal
I had 40 weeks to get ready.

40 divided by 4 = way overdue! Whoa, were you pregnant for 10 months?

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:21:44 AM
Author: brightlight

Date: 6/8/2009 11:08:41 AM
Author: TravelingGal
I had 40 weeks to get ready.

40 divided by 4 = way overdue! Whoa, were you pregnant for 10 months?

Pregnancy is 40 weeks. Some make it a few weeks before the full 40 weeks, others (like our Poor Mela

) go a couple of days/weeks over the standard 40

 

[brightlight]

Thanks everyone for your comments.

The main issue I have with my husband''s family that''s factoring into our decision to get pregnant is the anger I have towards them. The things that we''ve been through with his family has really created an anger and dislike for them that I want to have when we start a family.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:25:21 AM
Author: fiery

Date: 6/8/2009 11:21:44 AM
Author: brightlight

Date: 6/8/2009 11:08:41 AM
Author: TravelingGal
I had 40 weeks to get ready.

40 divided by 4 = way overdue! Whoa, were you pregnant for 10 months?

Pregnancy is 40 weeks. Some make it a few weeks before the full 40 weeks, others (like our Poor Mela

) go a couple of days/weeks over the standard 40

Doh! Forgot to count the last month.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:21:44 AM
Author: brightlight

Date: 6/8/2009 11:08:41 AM
Author: TravelingGal
I had 40 weeks to get ready.

40 divided by 4 = way overdue! Whoa, were you pregnant for 10 months?

I hate to tell you, but it''s pregnancy''s dirty little secret.

Actually, it''s 40 weeks, but you''re not technically pregnant for 2 of those weeks since the date your pregnancy from your last period.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:25:53 AM
Author: brightlight
Thanks everyone for your comments.

The main issue I have with my husband''s family that''s factoring into our decision to get pregnant is the anger I have towards them. The things that we''ve been through with his family has really created an anger and dislike for them that I want to have when we start a family.

Do you mind sharing what''s going on with his family?

I don''t particularly get along with my mother so boundaries have been set by me and my husband - i.e. she''s not allowed to take our son out by herself and he doesn''t spend much time by himself with her. She''d never hurt him or anything, DH and I just have vastly different parenting styles than my parents do and I know that she would not respect our wishes when it comes to some things. It''s not really been an issue since my son is only 11 months old, but it will be as he gets older. It''s not ideal but we make it work.

 

[snlee]

I don''t think you''re ever 100% ready for a baby.

There have been many threads about this topic in the past. If you search "ready for kids" you''ll find them.

 

[robbie3982]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:28:47 AM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 6/8/2009 11:21:44 AM

Author: brightlight

Date: 6/8/2009 11:08:41 AM

Author: TravelingGal

I had 40 weeks to get ready.

40 divided by 4 = way overdue! Whoa, were you pregnant for 10 months?

I hate to tell you, but it''s pregnancy''s dirty little secret.

Actually, it''s 40 weeks, but you''re not technically pregnant for 2 of those weeks since the date your pregnancy from your last period.

Don''t worry, you''re only really pregnant for 9.5 lunar months if you go to your due date. It''s 8 months and 3 weeks til your due date when using calendar months.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:25:21 AM
Author: fiery

Date: 6/8/2009 11:21:44 AM

Author: brightlight

Date: 6/8/2009 11:08:41 AM

Author: TravelingGal

I had 40 weeks to get ready.

40 divided by 4 = way overdue! Whoa, were you pregnant for 10 months?

Pregnancy is 40 weeks. Some make it a few weeks before the full 40 weeks, others (like our Poor Mela

) go a couple of days/weeks over the standard 40

Mine was a week overdue. It is actually quite common for the first pregnancy.

I hate to tell you but I feel like any problems you have with his family will be MAGNIFIED when a baby is involved. Lots of harsh comments, passive aggressive behavior, rude jokes, controlling behavior and no boundaries came with the news of my pregnancy. I really had to detach myself but I only have control over my reactions and comments. I love being a mom. I am a tough girl so she makes it worth it. When you marry a man, you marry his family. For better or worse. My best advice would be to have children if YOU and your HUSBAND want them. You cannot worry about the state of our economy (if you can afford a child...but remember you will NEVER have enough money). You cannot worry about his family''s involvement or reactions (they might just surprise you). You have to live your life to the fullest. Whatever that means to you.

 

[janinegirly]

I think you're ready once you have the urge (clock ticking) and your circumstances allow for it (ie feel financially secure, etc).
You will never be 100% ready b/c a baby just isn't something that can be scheduled--pregnancy can happen when you least expect, even for the biggest planners!

When I was starting to *think* about it (wasn't even engaged yet, but heading towards mid 30's which speeds the thought process up), I asked my then ob-gyn about age factor. She was pretty blunt and said "you should get started". I said, well I'm not married yet and we don't feel ready. She said something which resonated, that "the older you get the less ready you feel, because the more you know!" Ha, that's so true!

As for your family issue--that's a little deeper. If it is something serious, and you and DH feel the only solution is to cut them out, then that's how it is, and you can still raise a happy family. Everyone has some element of family issue/discord--the improtant thing is to shield your child from tensions, but not necessarily make all the decisions FOR them to elmiinate family if you can help it. But again, it is so dependent on what the deatails are of the family conflict.

 

[Mara]

Don't rush having kids.... we have been together for 9 years and of course we have a lot of pressure but there were and are certain things that we want to do before entering that stage of our lives. At this point also we are older (34 and 40) so that it's not like we have some huge RUSH to do it when we are young or anything, we are already not super young so oh well!

When we do have kids we want to look back and realize that we didn't regret anything. And while I do agree when people say you may not ever be READY ... aka there is always more money to save or this trip to take or this or that, if you feel like you have done most of what you want to do, the money situation won't cause you crazy stress, your relationship is sound...then you have most of the 'bases' covered. Things like saving more or 'enough' or making your family issues better could take years or never happen at all. I'd say focus on you two and what you two WANT now and in the next few years and go from there. We are closer to 'ready' now than we have ever been and I am glad for how we are doing it.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 6/8/2009 11:25:53 AM
Author: brightlight
Thanks everyone for your comments.

The main issue I have with my husband''s family that''s factoring into our decision to get pregnant is the anger I have towards them. The things that we''ve been through with his family has really created an anger and dislike for them that I want to have when we start a family.

Oops. I meant to say, "I don''t want to have.."

 

[D&T]

you truly are never ready...heck, and Planning sometimes doesn''t always work out. Don''t let your in laws dictate when you should/shouldn''t have kids and dont let them in the middle of you and DH''s decision. after two months of being married, well I got pregnant... didn''t plan on it, had all the necessary precautions, welll it all failed. But a friend of mine, planned on having kids after about five years of marriage, well, they have tried to have kids now, and are not able to,, been trying for over three years, and have sinced opted to adopt... So sometimes, you just let god take his course with you.

 

[janinegirly]

Date: 6/8/2009 2:32:43 PM
Author: D&T
you truly are never ready...heck, and Planning sometimes doesn''t always work out. Don''t let your in laws dictate when you should/shouldn''t have kids and dont let them in the middle of you and DH''s decision. after two months of being married, well I got pregnant... didn''t plan on it, had all the necessary precautions, welll it all failed. But a friend of mine, planned on having kids after about five years of marriage, well, they have tried to have kids now, and are not able to,, been trying for over three years, and have sinced opted to adopt... So sometimes, you just let god take his course with you.

i agree d&t. You can only plan so much. Doesn''t mean you wing it, but on the other hand, can''t wait till that perfect moment, b/c it doesn''t exist. Sometims life is what happens when you aren''t planning. We also got preggers 3 mo''s after marraige--we were planning on kids, just not on the first try (I was 35 so thought it''d take at least 6 months). So we had to scramble, buy a house and furnish it! But like I said, that''s what keeps life interesting.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 5. We''re not quite ready for children yet but getting closer. I''m so glad we''ve had this time together as a couple to solidify our relationship, to play together, to travel, to invest time in our individual interests, etc. It has also allowed me to return to school to pursue a career I love, rather than staying at a job I detested. We know there is no perfect scenario; there''s never enough money, time, etc. but the right time for us will be when we''re ready to alter our lives significantly to expand our family. A friend of mine who is pregnant made a statement about her pregnancy and their impending parenthood that I love, she referred to it as the natural evolution of their family.

 

[Hera]

I think you have to think about what will make you ready. For me, I wanted to be finished with my Bachelor''s degree and buy a house. I still don''t feel 100% ready but I don''t think I ever will. I do agree that you can come up with many more excuses but at one point I think you''ll come to a point where you have to make a choice. Maybe you''re not there yet.

 

[killerqueen17]

For me, I can't wait to have kids! I'm sooo looking forward to it!!

Barring a catastrophe, I'll be married in about a year (I'm almost 22 now, so I'll be around 23 then), and I want to have a couple years to just... be married... but as of right now, I'd probably want kids around age 25. Of course, this plan may change once I'm actually married and I get to see what it's "really" like, but this is my best guess. I really don't want to wait very long, because I want to be around for as much of my childrens' lives as possible, if that makes sense.

As far as financial security, I'm not really too concerned about that. Maybe I'm just young and naive, but it just doesn't seem like an issue to me. I know I'll never have tons of money, and I know that my kids will still have enriching and fulfilling childhoods. My priorities are different from a lot of people... even my family doesn't understand me sometimes. If I told you all of my plans, you would think I'm some kind of hippie or something, lol... but my man is right on the same page with me, and that's all that matters.

 

[Haven]

Date: 6/8/2009 9:39:48 AM
Author: Sabine
I think you''re ready when the desire to have kids is so strong that you start rationalizing away all the ''problems'' you are currently finding...I agree that the situation will never be perfect, you just have to be willing to make it work.

This sounds like it to me! I often hear people say you''ll never be ready, but then I hear people talk about very strong urges to become a parent. Barring concerns about advancing age, I imagine waiting until Sabine''s scenario kicks in is just about right.

DH and I have been together for five years, married for one, and we''re just not there yet. I have felt the urge on and off a teensy bit since we married, but I''m overwhelmingly in the "Not ready!" camp, so I''m not there yet. We''re 28 (me) and 39, so I figure we have some time. (That doesn''t stop the family from putting on the pressure, though.)

 

[packrat]

We knew we were "ready" when we found ourselves talking about it more and more. I''d get all the baby magazines and just stare at the babies..and I had to fight myself not to ask every mom w/a newborn I saw to please hold the baby. It was scary to go off birth control and start trying..but it was exhilarating at the same time. And once I was actually pregnant, I thought "OMG can I actually do this? Can I be a mommy?" It''s a daunting thought to realize you''re going to carry your child and give birth and be responsible for its life..After having our kids, I don''t see how we could possibly have mentally prepared ourselves. We were ready in the sense that we had the crib and diapers..the rest of it-there aren''t any classes at the local trade school to prepare you for no sleep, crying (you and the baby haha)and the intense feelings that come along with motherhood.

 

[Pandora II]

Last year DH and I were sitting in St James Park in London having dinner. We had just spent a few hours feeding nuts to the very tame squirrels there, the flowers were looking amazing, the weather for once was great and there was a beautiful sunset over the lake (and the food was good too

).

I said to DH that our life just seemed perfect, we were buying a new house, getting married in 3 months, both have secure jobs (little did I know then

), all, savings and ducks in a nice row and enough spare cash to enjoy ourselves. His response was yes, but I want a small person to take to feed the squirrels and the time is right to add that small person to our lives.

Pandora... Aaaaarrrgggghhhhh

and sees morning lie-ins vanish, free-time vanish and filled with a screaming baby that will drive me nuts.

So, DH was definitely ready - the man who NEVER wanted children...

I started lurking on the TTC thread and then thought I might just sign up to Fertility Friend as it would be interesting... fatal... by the time the wedding came along I had a BBT, a stash of pre-seed and a gazillion internet cheapy pregnancy tests!

6 weeks later I was KTFU...

When did I feel ready for a baby - when she arrived to be honest. Before then and throughout the pregnancy I was really worried about what to do with a baby (I''d never really held one and had never had any interest in them - certainly never cooed over them in prams), how I would cope with no sleep and no time to myself...

Well, now she''s here, I found I just knew how to hold her and what to do with her, I''m coping with the sleepless nights better than I expected, I have no wish to throw her out of the window (yet) and she has me wrapped round her little finger. I still have time for myself - not a lot, but enough snatched here and there. Her screaming doesn''t drive me crazy either!

It was very important for me that I had had time to do all the things I wanted to do when I was younger - I will never look wistfully at other people and wish I could go out clubbing (makes me feel tired just thinking about it) or date other people or travel more etc etc. Being financially secure, able to put a roof over our child''s head and provide her with the best opportunities I can was vital for me and for DH. Otherwise I never truly felt ready - I just threw myself into it...

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 6/12/2009 6:55:48 AM
Author: Pandora II
It was very important for me that I had had time to do all the things I wanted to do when I was younger - I will never look wistfully at other people and wish I could go out clubbing (makes me feel tired just thinking about it) or date other people or travel more etc etc. Being financially secure, able to put a roof over our child''s head and provide her with the best opportunities I can was vital for me and for DH. Otherwise I never truly felt ready - I just threw myself into it...

This is how we felt! I wasn''t really ready until he arrived, but like Pandora, somehow it all works!

When you contemplate having a child all the negatives are so easy to imagine because you have probably experienced them at one time or another -- sleeplessness, no spare time, etc etc. What you cannot imagine is the depth and breadth of the love you will feel for you child, and how caring for this little person brings so much meaning and purpose to your life. It is really such a rewarding thing!

 

[beau13]

After about 40 weeks!

The questions comes off as though you are asking babies..how do they know when they are ready!!
Some come early, some come late, but most are ready at about 40 weeks!