Home Babies during gradschool?

[ilovethiswebsite]

hi Ladies,

I was wondering, have any of you had or considered having children during grad school? I am in a PhD program (7 year long - I am entering my 6th year next September), and my husband and I have been debating waiting until I am done or just trying now... I am 28 years old. I really want to have kids now but I am worried about the following:

1- Delaying completing my degree - I really want to finish quickly so I can move closer to home with my husband.
2- Lack of social support in our current city, both sets of families live 4+ hours away (by car).
3- The end of my program includes a full time 12 month internship (sort of like residency in medschool). If I have a baby soon my child would be 12 months old when I need to do my internship... I really don''t want to put my baby in daycare full time at that age...

I know there is never a right time... If I wait until I am done internship I am also going to have problems looking for a job with a preggers belly. I can''t wait until I have a steady job either cause I will be in my mid 30''s by then. Ideally, I would like to have a baby in my late 20''s early 30''s.

Anyway - just thought I would see if any ladies out there had similar experiences and had any suggestions/opinions.

Thanks!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

If I have another it will be during grad school. My sister is going to have a child(ren) while in her phd program. She is trying to plan for a May birth so she can have the summer off.

I didn''t have family here until my daughter was 18 months and it was VERY difficult. She didn''t even have a babysitter until she was 15 months b/c I didn''t know someone I felt comfortable with. That is an issue I would seriously consider. Also will you child go to daycare when you are working full time? If so I don''t see the difference of him/her going to daycare during your internship.

Only you know what is right for you. Having a kid is tough. I wouldn''t rush just b/c you have an ideal age you want to have them by. Personally I think that is the wrong reason. If you feel ready, have the desire and means I say go for it. If you really just want to concentrate on your education/internship there is nothing wrong with have babies in your mid 30s.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 4/13/2010 7:05:04 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
If I have another it will be during grad school. My sister is going to have a child(ren) while in her phd program. She is trying to plan for a May birth so she can have the summer off.


I didn't have family here until my daughter was 18 months and it was VERY difficult. She didn't even have a babysitter until she was 15 months b/c I didn't know someone I felt comfortable with. That is an issue I would seriously consider. Also will you child go to daycare when you are working full time? If so I don't see the difference of him/her going to daycare during your internship.


Only you know what is right for you. Having a kid is tough. I wouldn't rush just b/c you have an ideal age you want to have them by. Personally I think that is the wrong reason. If you feel ready, have the desire and means I say go for it. If you really just want to concentrate on your education/internship there is nothing wrong with have babies in your mid 30s.

hi Tacori,

Thank you for your response. I can appreciate your experience of not wanting to have a babysitter until she was 15 months - I would totally be the same way. I am a strong believer in staying home with your child for the first year of life... And I don't like the idea of a babysitter or nanny becoming a primary caregiver during the work week when the child is very young.

Good point about me going back to work after my mat leave being the same as having a child in daycare for internship... I guess I figured it would be easier to take extra time off once I was in the workforce but even that is not certain - I could probably loose my job if I did that anyway... I am very frustrated with feeling like I need to choose between being a professional and a mom...

My reasons for wanting a child now is more than an ideal age... I think my biological clock has kicked in in full gear and I absolutely adore kids. I have always wanted to have a big family (at least 3 kids) hence also wanting to start earlier rather than later... I keep telling myself if I wait another 2 years, it will be the perfect time (I will be done internship), but it has gotten to a point where every day is a struggle - I think about having a baby every day now! Anyway - I am clearly still contemplating the possibility so I doubt I will ever have a clear yes or no answer to my question...

 

[swimmer]

It depends on the program and your pregnancy really...

I''m trying to finish my dissertation, mostly done...but was unable to stay awake or do critical academic writing for 7 months of the pregnancy. Heck, am I even making sense now? Can you look at the programs where you are applying and see if any students have kids, if the school has grad student housing or daycare? I could have easily done either of my masters programs while pregnant, just weren''t that demanding imho, but doctoral program has been more challenging and even unstructured writing time is hard when nauseous, exhausted, and just in a fog. And I have had a pretty easy pregnancy. Ask me again in a few weeks when I''m writing with the baby on my lap. I hope it gets easier!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

It wasn''t that I was unwilling to leave her with a babysitter until she was 15 months. The issue was without family or close family friends in the area I didn''t know how to find someone who was qualified and someone I felt safe with. I ended up finding a lovely lady through my friend who was a preschool teacher. My friend taught her granddaughter and babysits on the side. Now my ILs live here so childcare is not as big of a problem. My daughter started preschool around 26 months (2 mornings a week) which has been wonderful for us both! She has friends and really loves going. She will begin part time daycare next month at 2.5 years old.

I would think it would be easier to take extra time off NOW not once you are in the workforce. My program is friendly is family friendly though. Also don''t forget most jobs won''t give you mat leave benefits until you have worked there for 6-12 months. I think unfortunately you will always feel pulled between work and your family. Mom guilt SUCKS! Haha.

What does your husband think about this? Is he ready to be a dad? If you are thinking about babies everyday maybe now is the time.

 

[Clio]

I had my first two children when I was in graduate school. The first was born a couple of months after I defended my MA thesis when I was starting to read for comps, and the second was born right about the time I finished up the archival research for my dissertation. I did both the MA and the PhD in 6 years (humanities field).

For me, it was a very good time to have kids. I had enough flexibility to make it work, but grad students don''t get maternity leave! With the first, I was on fellowship, but with the second I was a TA. She was born the first week of the semester, and I was back in class and office hours about a month later.

Caveats: 1) My husband had a good job, so we could afford good child care; 2) with the exception of the archival research, which I did primarily while pregnant with #2, I could do most of my work (reading for comps, writing the dissertation) from home, so I had a fair amount of flexibility. I imagine that it would be much harder for someone in a science field who needed to be in the lab. Oh, and 3) my parents lived an hour away and for part of the time my sister lived in the same town.

I had my 3rd during my first year on the tenure track, and that really sucked. Spectacularly bad timing.

 

[PumpkinPie]

if it were me, I would wait. I have a master''s degree and would not have chosen to have a baby during grad school. If it would only be 2 more years, I would probably wait and try to time the birth for soon after you finish everything so you could get pregnant while in grad school, but I wouldn''t have the baby until the end or near the end.

 

[Octavia]

Quick question about your #1 concern -- are you and your husband living apart right now? I''m not sure from the way you phrased it whether you and your husband want to move closer to family, or whether you can''t wait to move in with him. If it''s the latter, it could be really difficult to have a child without him there to help you. That would be a huge concern for me.

Regarding #3, won''t you be looking for employment after your internship ends? You might not, or you might only be looking to work part-time, but it would seem that whether you''re doing an internship or working, you''d need childcare either way. And if you''re in the US, you''d probably have to go back to work long before your baby''s first birthday, so you''d probably have more time with the baby if you have one during school if your classes/TA schedule allow it.

There are a lot of variables and I don''t know the answers. I''m having timing concerns now, too, so I completely understand what you''re going through. Best of luck with your decision!

 

[swingirl]

Don''t wait until you are in your mid-30s. If you can swing it now go for it. But also be prepared that not all pregnancies go as planned. You could have complications. And don''t expect to get a lot accomplished when you have a new born. And you never know how long it will take to conceive. Quick for some but difficult for others. Any possibility you can have plan a baby after grad school but before the internship?

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 4/13/2010 11:32:54 PM
Author: Octavia
Quick question about your #1 concern -- are you and your husband living apart right now? I''m not sure from the way you phrased it whether you and your husband want to move closer to family, or whether you can''t wait to move in with him. If it''s the latter, it could be really difficult to have a child without him there to help you. That would be a huge concern for me.


Regarding #3, won''t you be looking for employment after your internship ends? You might not, or you might only be looking to work part-time, but it would seem that whether you''re doing an internship or working, you''d need childcare either way. And if you''re in the US, you''d probably have to go back to work long before your baby''s first birthday, so you''d probably have more time with the baby if you have one during school if your classes/TA schedule allow it.


There are a lot of variables and I don''t know the answers. I''m having timing concerns now, too, so I completely understand what you''re going through. Best of luck with your decision!

hi Octavia,

I live with my husband now. We both moved to a new city 5 years ago (him for a job and me for gradschool). We have been together for 5 years (living together for 3) and got married last summer. I have always wanted to move back closer to home so I could be near to my family/friends again. I don''t think we will be able to move to my home town (as it''s a french speaking city in Canada - and my husband does not speak french) but there are some other options in cities closer to home. Again, there are no guarantees as we might now be able to get a job in those cities.

In regards to your 2nd question - yes, I would be looking for a job towards the end of my internship. That means if I am pregnant then, with a belly, it will be difficult to get hired anywhere. Best case scenario is to either have a baby before I go on internship (delay my internship a year) or get pregnant towards the end of internship or after I have received a job offer. I guess no matter when we decide to have baby - there will be pros and cons.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 4/14/2010 2:32:41 AM
Author: swingirl
Don''t wait until you are in your mid-30s. If you can swing it now go for it. But also be prepared that not all pregnancies go as planned. You could have complications. And don''t expect to get a lot accomplished when you have a new born. And you never know how long it will take to conceive. Quick for some but difficult for others. Any possibility you can have plan a baby after grad school but before the internship?

That''s the other point that makes me nervous - I could probably swing a pregnancy and baby in grad school if there were no major complications or problems. If there were any major problems, I doubt I would be able to finish my degree on time.

I actually finished graduate classes this year so that''s out of the way - thankfully. All I have left is writing up my dissertation and doing the full 12 month internship. Internships are also VERY competitive so I may not even get in first try - which would delay my graduation by another year anyway. Also, if I get an internship at a site far away from home - that will make having a baby all the more complicated...

 

[Octavia]

Okay, I understand now. I was just a little confused! I know a couple women who have had babies while writing their dissertations, and they all seem very happy with the way things turned out. It''s about 50-50 whether they ended up taking a little longer to defend or stuck to their original schedule. One in particular ended up hiring an undergrad from the department (a friend of mine) to nanny for her baby a few hours a week so she could get serious work done, and it worked out really well for both of them. So if you know any trustworthy undergrads in your department, that could be an option to think about.

 

[cara]

(To me) it sounds like getting preggers now and dealing with a newborn during part of your 6th year may be doable, but here are some of the considerations:

-how much of the dissertation do you think you can reasonably get done during your pregnancy, and how much will be left for writing with a newborn? If you need to get writing done during the newborn phase, will your husband take off work to provide you protected time or will you put the child in part-time day care or hire a sitter, etc.? Unless you are a truly gifted speedwriter, or your baby is a blissful dreambaby, naps will not be enough.

-Finances and leave questions: Will you get maternity leave? Is it paid? Does your husband earn enough that finances are not a big consideration, either in covering your leave (if unpaid) or in childcare?

-Husband pulling weight in childcare - will he be available job-wise and willing to pull more childcare weight during your internship? Is he willing/able jobwise to do childcare during some hours for you to work on your dissertation if that is the plan for you finishing it? Does he want to be a SAHD when you are doing internship and is that financially an option? If not, you need to reconsider your feelings on daycare of a 12 mo old. What is your childcare plan if not daycare?
--------
Just for reference, I just finished grad school (PhD) in an area where the cost of good daycare centers is about one grad student salary. (And one grad student salary is generally needed to provide a comfortable, non-luxurious life for the one grad student. I generally had enough money to occasionally go out to eat or go fly to a friend's wedding occasionally, but a steep dental or car repair bill could put me in the red for the year.) The people I know whom had kids in grad school:

A) had a spouse with a real job earning good money that pays for day care. Throwing money at problems saves a lot. Still, it takes a bit of time to care for a child and may delay graduation a bit. One woman had a complicated pregnancy with a premie, and she was delayed a lot.

B) two-grad student couple has baby near the end of one or both of their schoolings, hangs on by a thread with judicious use of savings on part-time day care and splitting time between baby-care providing and writing until one or both of them get real jobs. Challenging but doable, again money makes things easier if there are savings or family support. And you absolutely need an adviser okay with 'working from home' to use this approach - if your boss wants 40 hrs of face time a week, well, that is a no-go without full-time childcare.

C) had a stay at home spouse and were 'living' on the one grad-student salary. Without exception, the ones I knew that pulled this off were foreigners. Generally staying in on-campus family housing, those that didn't manage to get into subsidized housing usually ended up having the wife and kids live somewhere far away - either in their home country or somewhere the wife could legally get a job, as wives of students can't legally work on their own though they can be in the country. Some were from relatively wealthy countries and I'm sure were getting financial assistance from family back home to make this work, or had sufficient savings from their prior lives. Others were from poorer countries and somehow making this work for them - how I don't know, as with my Americanized standards of living I don't think it was financially feasible to pay rent, buy food, and pay for healthcare for a small family on a grad student salary. I guess you do save on the childcare expense, and healthcare for the child and spouse is technically optional though the student themself is required by law to carry health insurance. I'm sure their finances were tight!

D) Have some outside-of-school funding source. Self-made pile-o-money from prior life supporting the family while parent goes back to grad school for 'fun', or they are a citizen of one of those socialist countries that pays couples substantial sums of money to have children - even those that are currently students in a foreign land. Etc.

Anyway, good luck. There is no perfect time. All you can do is look at the scenarios, choose well, cross your fingers and roll the dice! Me personally, I was way too stressed out as a grad student to want to have a kid then, especially as I am a glacially slow writer of important things and was afraid of never finishing the dissertation. But... I got preggo as a postdoc. We'll see how the baby-raising goes!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

DH and I will try to have a kid in grad school (Med school to be more specific).

We''re going to start trying after my core rotations, and hopefully deliver early on in my 4th year. My reasoning:

1. School is more lenient than work will be about pregnancy stuff. At least right now my time is MINE. If I have to take time off, then the only person I''m affecting is me, and nobody is depending on me (patients, coworkers etc). And if something really bad happens with the pregnancy and I have to take a lot of time off, then I graduate late, it''s not the end of the world.

2. I''ll just be even busier after I graduate, and if I wait until I''m "done" I''ll be in my mid 30s and I just don''t want to put our lives on hold for that long.

3. We have the Match after graduation for intern year, and I have no idea if I can match in my current city. But I decided if I can''t get in, I"ll take a year to do research and try again next year.

4. I have family who is willing to come and help with the child care, which is PRICELESS. And my husband has a flexible and stable job. Our budget will be tight with a mortgage and all that, but I think we''ll be ok.

I decided that I just don''t want to keep postponing my family life because of anxiety over my career. If other women have done it successfully, then I can too!

Best of luck with your decision!

 

[neatfreak]

Well I think I am qualified to answer this considering I had twins while in grad school.

And in Cara's scenario we were B!

I will say that it is not easy if you have no money and no help from family. Does your DH have a flexible schedule? Or do you guys make enough money to be able to hire a babysitter?

My DH had a flexible schedule (he was a student too) when we had the kiddos (and yes we were just thinking we would have one! twins were a surprise) and so it wasn't horrible because we split the night shift and I had someone to watch the kiddos when I needed to go to meetings or the library, etc.

Then we moved for a job for my DH and now I am at home with the kids and still trying to finish my dissertation. We are in a position financially to hire a babysitter a few hours a week for me to get some work done, but it's HARD. I work during their naps and when they go to bed at night. I think I have probably delayed my graduation by at least a semester and maybe a year so that is something to consider.

Also, are you someone who can work at home and with distractions? Both are really necessary IMO for having kids while in school and getting stuff done still. If you can't work with distractions expect to get NOTHING done from 7am-7pm roughly. And then still have to do house chores, self-care, etc.

One last thing to consider is what you want to do afterwards. If you want to be tenure track then grad school probably is a heck of a lot easier to have a kid then waiting until your first years as a professor. That might be really bad IMO.

Personally if I were in your situation where I knew I was going to move back to where you'd have help from your parents I might wait. It's hard to have kids without any help-especially while trying to finish school.

Let me know if you have other questions!

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 4/14/2010 4:16:31 PM
Author: cara
(To me) it sounds like getting preggers now and dealing with a newborn during part of your 6th year may be doable, but here are some of the considerations:


-how much of the dissertation do you think you can reasonably get done during your pregnancy, and how much will be left for writing with a newborn? If you need to get writing done during the newborn phase, will your husband take off work to provide you protected time or will you put the child in part-time day care or hire a sitter, etc.? Unless you are a truly gifted speedwriter, or your baby is a blissful dreambaby, naps will not be enough.


-Finances and leave questions: Will you get maternity leave? Is it paid? Does your husband earn enough that finances are not a big consideration, either in covering your leave (if unpaid) or in childcare?


-Husband pulling weight in childcare - will he be available job-wise and willing to pull more childcare weight during your internship? Is he willing/able jobwise to do childcare during some hours for you to work on your dissertation if that is the plan for you finishing it? Does he want to be a SAHD when you are doing internship and is that financially an option? If not, you need to reconsider your feelings on daycare of a 12 mo old. What is your childcare plan if not daycare?

--------

Just for reference, I just finished grad school (PhD) in an area where the cost of good daycare centers is about one grad student salary. (And one grad student salary is generally needed to provide a comfortable, non-luxurious life for the one grad student. I generally had enough money to occasionally go out to eat or go fly to a friend''s wedding occasionally, but a steep dental or car repair bill could put me in the red for the year.) The people I know whom had kids in grad school:


A) had a spouse with a real job earning good money that pays for day care. Throwing money at problems saves a lot. Still, it takes a bit of time to care for a child and may delay graduation a bit. One woman had a complicated pregnancy with a premie, and she was delayed a lot.


B) two-grad student couple has baby near the end of one or both of their schoolings, hangs on by a thread with judicious use of savings on part-time day care and splitting time between baby-care providing and writing until one or both of them get real jobs. Challenging but doable, again money makes things easier if there are savings or family support. And you absolutely need an adviser okay with ''working from home'' to use this approach - if your boss wants 40 hrs of face time a week, well, that is a no-go without full-time childcare.


C) had a stay at home spouse and were ''living'' on the one grad-student salary. Without exception, the ones I knew that pulled this off were foreigners. Generally staying in on-campus family housing, those that didn''t manage to get into subsidized housing usually ended up having the wife and kids live somewhere far away - either in their home country or somewhere the wife could legally get a job, as wives of students can''t legally work on their own though they can be in the country. Some were from relatively wealthy countries and I''m sure were getting financial assistance from family back home to make this work, or had sufficient savings from their prior lives. Others were from poorer countries and somehow making this work for them - how I don''t know, as with my Americanized standards of living I don''t think it was financially feasible to pay rent, buy food, and pay for healthcare for a small family on a grad student salary. I guess you do save on the childcare expense, and healthcare for the child and spouse is technically optional though the student themself is required by law to carry health insurance. I''m sure their finances were tight!


D) Have some outside-of-school funding source. Self-made pile-o-money from prior life supporting the family while parent goes back to grad school for ''fun'', or they are a citizen of one of those socialist countries that pays couples substantial sums of money to have children - even those that are currently students in a foreign land. Etc.


Anyway, good luck. There is no perfect time. All you can do is look at the scenarios, choose well, cross your fingers and roll the dice! Me personally, I was way too stressed out as a grad student to want to have a kid then, especially as I am a glacially slow writer of important things and was afraid of never finishing the dissertation. But... I got preggo as a postdoc. We''ll see how the baby-raising goes!

hi Cara, thank you for your thoughtful response. My husband works full time and although he makes a decent living it would be hard to live off his salary alone as we currently pay a crap load in rent every month. I do have some external funding (scholarships) that may be able to help a little. I am not as worried about the financial side of things as much as I am about the time and delay in finishing up my degree. I feel like I could probably get most of my dissertation done while pregnant. I am almost done collecting/coding data so I would need to run analyses and write up the final paper - and defend. The nice things about my research is that I could code/write from home so that would OK. I am not sure how my supervisor would feel about me taking a year off for a baby but she is very supportive so I am sure she would be OK with it in the end.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Date: 4/14/2010 8:52:42 PM
Author: neatfreak
Well I think I am qualified to answer this considering I had twins while in grad school.

And in Cara's scenario we were B!


I will say that it is not easy if you have no money and no help from family. Does your DH have a flexible schedule? Or do you guys make enough money to be able to hire a babysitter?


My DH had a flexible schedule (he was a student too) when we had the kiddos (and yes we were just thinking we would have one! twins were a surprise) and so it wasn't horrible because we split the night shift and I had someone to watch the kiddos when I needed to go to meetings or the library, etc.


Then we moved for a job for my DH and now I am at home with the kids and still trying to finish my dissertation. We are in a position financially to hire a babysitter a few hours a week for me to get some work done, but it's HARD. I work during their naps and when they go to bed at night. I think I have probably delayed my graduation by at least a semester and maybe a year so that is something to consider.


Also, are you someone who can work at home and with distractions? Both are really necessary IMO for having kids while in school and getting stuff done still. If you can't work with distractions expect to get NOTHING done from 7am-7pm roughly. And then still have to do house chores, self-care, etc.


One last thing to consider is what you want to do afterwards. If you want to be tenure track then grad school probably is a heck of a lot easier to have a kid then waiting until your first years as a professor. That might be really bad IMO.


Personally if I were in your situation where I knew I was going to move back to where you'd have help from your parents I might wait. It's hard to have kids without any help-especially while trying to finish school.


Let me know if you have other questions!

Twins in gradschool! That's so great heehhe! Congrats! I am usually good with distractions - but a baby is a completely different story. As for our family being far away - that would make things complicated - but thankfully my mother in law is retired so could probably come live with us for a few months - and my own mom would probably be able to do the same. Not a long term solution but I am sure they would help during the first few months.

Thank you everyone for your advice. You have all given me a lot of points to ponder and questions to ask myself. I really appreciate all your advice.