AWOL friend - need advice!

[Independent Gal]

When I was in grad school, I became good friends with a guy in the university administration. He''s really fun and awesome and we had so many good times together while I was in grad school, and then visiting each other afterward. I get along great with his girlfriend and he seems to like FI a lot too. Anyway, about 4 months ago, he suddenly went AWOL. Stopped returning calls, e-mails, text messages... The only thing he responded to was when I told him we were engaged and asked him to save the date. Then he sent really nice warm greetings and congratulations, and other than that... nothing. I''ve sent a couple of ''Are you still alive out there?'' texts. Nothing.

The only thing I can think of is that he might be really depressed, which he''s told me he''s prone to. I know that he really wants to get married and settle down, and is totally smitten with his g/f, but last time we saw each other, he was talking about how he wasn''t sure he really trusted her and how she had recently told him she doesn''t want kids. He seemed very hopeful she''d change her mind one minute, and then moody and devastated the next.

So, maybe they broke up and he''s miserable? Or something?

I just don''t know. But I''m seriously worried about him. We''ve been friends for 6 years now and he''s never acted like this before.

And there is absolutely no reason I could think of that he would be angry with me or anything.

So, my question is: what do you suggest I do? Should I be more aggresive about finding out what''s wrong? Let him take his time in getting back in touch?

I wish we had mutual friends that I could ask, but the only chums we have in common are work colleagues of his, and I don''t want to embarass him.

Help?

 

[decodelighted]

Oh boy ... I''m gonna pay attention to the replies you get as I''m going through something similar right now with a friend who is like a SISTER to me.

 

[lyra]

You can try a final attempt and be straight with him about your concerns, and give him options of how he can contact you. Then, I''d leave it up to him, regardless of whether he ever gets in touch again or not. If he''s going through something major, he may need a lot of time to figure things out, maybe get treatment, or choose not to, etc. Just let him know you are there for him no matter how long it takes. Then send him a reminder every 6 months or so if you do want to try stay in touch. He may be unable to communicate with friends right now if he feels he has to put on a facade. Obviously we don''t know what if anything is really going on with him, but give him some time and space. Hope it turns out okay.

 

[iheartscience]

Man, that''s a tough one. I think I would reach out kind of strongly and see what happens. Like call him and tell him you have to take him out to dinner, drinks, whatever and if you still don''t hear from him, maybe try to stop by his work when he''s about to get off just so you can talk to him in person?

I know that sounds kind of stalky but if it''s your good friend and you suspect something is wrong I would just really go for it. Especially if he is depressed, he may be unwilling/able to reach back and you might just have to force him a little.

Plus I don''t think you really have anything to lose in a situation like that-you''re not talking now so if he gets mad at you for trying so hard to see him and doesn''t want to talk to you, well nothing has changed, you know?

Also, do you know his girlfriend''s e-mail or phone number? Maybe you can text her and say "I haven''t heard from you and AWOL for so long-how are things with you? I miss seeing you guys!" or something like that.

I hope you figure out what''s up...that''s always upsetting when a good friend goes missing.

 

[poptart]

Well, I know each person is different, but if I had a friend that I knew was prone to depression I would make a lot of efforts to call them and make sure they were ok. I was close with someone did something similar to this for two months and we found out later that he was having a very rough time psychologically and in other ways, and he hasn''t really ever recovered from that (loooong story). I guess what I am trying to say is that good friends don''t go AWOL just for no reason. If it is out of his character then I would definitely be trying to check up on him. Some people seem to take depression and there accompanying symptoms quite lightly, and the worst thing that could happen would be to regret that you didn''t try harder to reach him.

*M*

 

[isaku5]

Date: 9/25/2007 6:22:39 PM
Author: poptart
Well, I know each person is different, but if I had a friend that I knew was prone to depression I would make a lot of efforts to call them and make sure they were ok. I was close with someone did something similar to this for two months and we found out later that he was having a very rough time psychologically and in other ways, and he hasn''t really ever recovered from that (loooong story). I guess what I am trying to say is that good friends don''t go AWOL just for no reason. If it is out of his character then I would definitely be trying to check up on him. Some people seem to take depression and there accompanying symptoms quite lightly, and the worst thing that could happen would be to regret that you didn''t try harder to reach him.

*M*

Ditto what poptart said.

 

[Sha]

Does he live close to you? I would definitely try and visit him, to let him know I was thinking about him and was a bit concerned as well. It can''t hurt!! And it might probably open up to you as well, whatever''s going on with him. At the very least, he''d know that you''re really there for him.

I would definitely go. Sometimes you just never know...

 

[Independent Gal]

Sadly, he lives far, far away on the other end of the country. Otherwise, I''d have been on his doorstep a couple of months ago.

I''m going to send him a carefully worded e-mail and hope for the best.

 

[poptart]

Date: 9/25/2007 7:17:17 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Sadly, he lives far, far away on the other end of the country. Otherwise, I''d have been on his doorstep a couple of months ago.


I''m going to send him a carefully worded e-mail and hope for the best.

I would also suggest a phone call. Hearing someone on the other end of the line, rather than just reading their words, can often help tremendously.

*M*

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/25/2007 7:17:17 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Sadly, he lives far, far away on the other end of the country. Otherwise, I''d have been on his doorstep a couple of months ago.

I''m going to send him a carefully worded e-mail and hope for the best.

Bummer-I guess my stalky advice was pointless, then. I would definitely do an e-mail as well as a phone call and maybe still try to contact the girlfriend even if it''s just to hear that they did break up from her since he may not want to even talk about it.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Do you know/are able to contact his family and inquire? Would that work?

cheers--Sharon

 

[Independent Gal]

His parents were 40ish when they had him and sadly, they''ve both passed away. He has a sister up near you, Canuk-gal, in Saskatchewan I think. But I don''t know her married name or which town she lives in.

I could probably hunt down his girlfriend. I don''t have her number, but I know where she lives, etc. Worth a try! But I''ll try to get his attention first. If they had a horrible break-up (not sure why I''m assuming this? just seems the only plausible explanation?) she probably doesn''t want to hear from me!

 

[KimberlyH]

I would either call again or write a letter and send it through the postal service (certified mail?). Perhaps the extra effort will convey your concerns in a clearer manner.

 

[perry]

I feel for you on this; but have no new advice that hasn''t been covered in the post above.

Tough situation.

Perry

 

[hlmr]

I agree with poptart too. People don't go awol for that long without a reason.

Could you contact him at work? Could you scope out what's happening with one of these work friends, without letting on there is something wrong?

Sending regular emails and making phone calls is good as well as sending a card/note in the mail. Let him know you are not giving up thinking about him and trying to connect. Perhaps he is feeling like he doesn't want to bring you down with his situation, during this exciting and happy time of your life.

 

[aljdewey]

IG, I''d pull out every possible stop to find a way to get in touch with him.

I know this isn''t a likely scenario in your situation, but it''s a good example of why reaching out can be so important:

My friend and co-worker R was diagnosed with terminal renal cancer one year in December at 45 years old. From the point of diagnosis, he was out of work going through palliative treatment. His friend, W, childhood friend and best man at his wedding, had been trying to get in touch with him at work, leaving msgs with of course, no reply. He was calling him at home, too, and leaving message with no reply.

After four months of not being able to reach him, W finally called back here and asked to speak to R''s boss. He learned then about the situation, and was devastated. Went directly over to R''s house to see him.

R wasn''t mad at him; he simply didn''t know how to face people telling them he had terminal cancer. He himself had had a friend pass away a year prior from it, and he was acutely aware of how people''s reaction to that friend changed when people learned he had cancer. R didn''t want the same reaction. He also was going through quite a bit of depression (understandably), so he was in a funk and just couldn''t bring himself to return calls.

It''s a good thing W pressed, because R died 3 months later.

It doesn''t have to be a terminal situation; it just has to be worrisome enough that you''ll do whatever it takes to get in touch. It''s hard to know if something has happened that prevents him from calling (in hospital or something else), and if that were true, I''m sure you''d want to know.

Good luck.

 

[laine]

Date: 9/25/2007 2:09:21 PM
Author:Independent Gal
I wish we had mutual friends that I could ask, but the only chums we have in common are work colleagues of his, and I don't want to embarass him.

Could you just drop a casual, "hey, hows x doing, I haven't talked to him in a while" in an email to a mutual acquaintance? Or maybe ask for his current email since you must have the wrong one/an old one since he hasn't gotten back to you.

You may find out nothing, but if there is something going on, someone might mention it. Either way, you haven't really called out your friend for being MIA and hopefully won't embarrass him.

ETA: If you've been leaving "hey, how are you" or joking "are you alive" messages, I'd switch to "hey, I'm worried about you-let me know you're okay" messages. If you've already done that and he still hasn't responded, then yeah, step it up a notch.

 

[luckystar112]

Any luck Indie???

 

[Independent Gal]

I left a phone message and sent an e-mail that explained that I was concerned. So far, nothing...

 

[luckystar112]

How weird!

I hope you keep us updated. I can tell this is one of those threads I''ll be thinking about months from now.