At what age should one bring a holiday food dish?

[monarch64]

I was oblivious to this when I was in my twenties, I think. I can''t remember bringing anything until I got married, and by then I was 26. OMG my relatives must think I''m awful.

No, I retract that statement...they were probably relieved that I didn''t bring anything because I really couldn''t cook back then. At all.

I do remember always being asked to bring ice. Hmm.

 

[JSM]

At my age (27) I should certainly be bringing holiday dishes, but I get a pass because I have to travel 5+ hours to see my family. I make up for it by inviting them down to see me. Those who come are treated to a large meal.

MC, I''m sorry that so many things fall to your responsibility, I don''t know how you put up with it!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:59:30 PM
Author: MC

Date: 12/16/2009 1:51:48 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

Not to be harsh but I think the host should provide the food/drink to a party or at least to expect to rely on others. Most of us are on stricter budget these days but it was your choice to host a party. That being said my mom taught me never to show up empty handed. I hope your relatives surprise you. Does it say potluck on the invite? Worse comes to worse there is just a little less food.

A Christmas family gathering is different than a general 'party.' A holiday is about sharing and celebrating together, not about having one family shell out $500 to feed/beveragize everyone. Since when was it a tradition for just one couple to do all the work?


And there were NO invites: it wasn't about me saying, 'I'll do it.' It was along the lines of e-mails saying, 'when should we show up?'

If I am hosting a party I plan to provide all the food and drink unless I clearly state in an invite/evite/e-mail/phone call that it is pot luck. But it doesn't seem like you *want* to spend time with these people and it doesn't seem like they are very thoughtful from your stories. If you didn't host it would another family member step up to the plate? Remember it is your *choice*. If people were e-mailing you when they should show up you could have asked for what. You could have said you were not having a party this year. You made the decision. Maybe you can make it clear that this is the last year you plan to host this event. Let someone else do the work for a change.

ETA: Deco said it better than I did. I like her idea of assigning people types of foods to bring.

 

[Rachel9]

Every family is different, and I agree it's too much work for one couple but again it's a choice. My kids WILL always bring something nice to the host, always. I've chosen to do it in our home every-other year for a large family with lots of kids, I graciously take it w/o expecting a thing. Yeah there are 2 individuals that I would rather not invite [and won't eat a thing out of their kitchen to be honest] but no harm has ever occurred, most bring wine or sweets.
In a potluk setting cheap people are noticeable, bring nothing eat everything

can't stand it.
Communication....simple, IF I call you and you don't TALK to me I assume YOU are NOT coming....emails, voice mails are very easy to loose [?] ignore. My older sister is MS in the works......so when I'm hosting, you bet Is going to be good [j/k]
May sound as a competition but in reality is reciprocation, Mom has done it for decades, Sisters for a few, I'm learning.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Maybe it''s cultural? I have been really surprised by this thread, because if I had people coming to my home for a meal, I would be really, really offended if they took it upon themselves to bring a dish. I''m really not trying to be snarky or smart, but I have never heard of this before, far less that it would be an expectation. Occasionally I''ve hosted a gathering where the plan was that people would bring food, but it was clearly stated upfront, I wouldn''t have expected them just to know. Where I live, it would actually be quite a snub to turn up with part of the meal.

I would always take wine, one bottle if it was a small gathering, several if it was a larger group, as well as flowers or chocolates for the host. Maybe that is our local equivalent. Are your in-laws from the same geographical area and / or culture as you?

I like what Tacori said about expectations, though. That makes a lot of sense.

 

[elle_chris]

I''m with Mrs. MitchellI.. think it is cultural. I was always taught to bring dessert, wine or flowers for the host. Never go empty handed. But to bring an actual food dish when someone invited me to their home for dinner.. hmm.. never did that..

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 3:11:00 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Are your in-laws from the same geographical area and / or culture as you?

I like what Tacori said about expectations, though. That makes a lot of sense.

We''re all from the same geographical area/culture, etc.

What I do want to clear up is I''m talking about Christmas. When we have friends over for a meal, we prepare everything. Also, I''m not talking about my in-laws. They are very thoughtful. It''s some of the extended family.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I wouldn''t see Christmas differently to any other gathering in this context, but obviously we have different experiences. If I was in your situation, I think I''d ask people nicely if they would be able to bring a certain thing, not least because that way you won''t get 30 bowls of sprouts and no dessert (or worse, no wine)!

 

[Hest88]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:59:30 PM
Author: MC
A Christmas family gathering is different than a general ''party.'' A holiday is about sharing and celebrating together, not about having one family shell out $500 to feed/beveragize everyone. Since when was it a tradition for just one couple to do all the work?

Actually, almost all of the "family" holiday (Tgiving/Xmas/Easter) gatherings I''ve attended where I''ve been a guest (not an actual family member) but have consisted of mainly other people''s family, have had one family being the host and providing most of the food.

However, I''m sorry MC, but I didn''t connect this thread to your other one about gals excluding you from the gift-giving. I''m not sure, in this case, why you are even hosting them at all. Not only do you treat you horribly, but it''s worse if you''re hosting and they''re *still* treating you horrible.

If you''re hosting this year, this is a perfect opportunity for you to lay down the law. If they don''t RSVP I''d just leave a message saying you''re not expecting them at all. And if they do RSVP then you should just request they bring a specific dish.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/16/2009 2:21:10 PM
Author: monarch64
I was oblivious to this when I was in my twenties, I think. I can''t remember bringing anything until I got married, and by then I was 26. OMG my relatives must think I''m awful.

No, I retract that statement...they were probably relieved that I didn''t bring anything because I really couldn''t cook back then. At all.

I do remember always being asked to bring ice. Hmm.

LOL! Me too. I knew to bring wine or a hostess gift to FRIENDS'' parties -- but FAMILY events I just fell into my old "child" role for YEARS beyond its appropriateness. Probably because I''m the oldest of lots of kids & if they could still be "kids" it seemed only FAIR.

It also took a long time for me to realize "Would you like me to bring something?" is always met by "No, don''t worry about it!" but phrase it as "WHAT SHOULD I BRING?" and folks start spilling what they actually want. Sometimes you have to insist. Hosts seem to feel weird *asking* but if its a foregone conclusion that you WILL be bringing something then its more of a *courtesy* for them to be specific about their needs.

 

[swingirl]

We''ve only had food dishes brought by married couples, not the single young people. Male and females are in the same category since they both eat the same amount of food.

If you expect the 20 year old females to bring something I sure hope you expect the young males to do the same. Same goes for helping in the kitchen, clearing plates and cleaning up. In our family the men break down any extra tables and help with washing dishes. My uncle also brings his homemade jams and cookies.

My advice to women is to marry into families where the chores are shared and the example is set by the older generation.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/16/2009 3:38:18 PM
Author: swingirl
My advice to women is to marry into families where the chores are shared and the example is set by the older generation.

DITTTTTT to the OOOOOOOO!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 3:34:26 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
I wouldn''t see Christmas differently to any other gathering in this context, but obviously we have different experiences. If I was in your situation, I think I''d ask people nicely if they would be able to bring a certain thing, not least because that way you won''t get 30 bowls of sprouts and no dessert (or worse, no wine)!

I''d never survive the holidays without alcohol. We provide the beer to make sure there is enough! Maybe this year we''ll need a keg!

 

[tlh]

When they are living on their own... ie no longer with their parents, they (man or woman) should bring something w/them-- sort of a household sort of thing...

Helping in the kitchen, imho starts around 13. Then you get the moodies, and want them away from you, until they are out of HS. Then it picks up again at 18 or 19 I''d expect help... and in my household it didn''t judge you by the nether-regions. Both the boys AND the girls were expected to help clean. (Usually a pass is given to ONE of the parents if they have small children...) Ie, I''ll wash - you dry kind of thing.

interesting topic...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 3:34:58 PM
Author: Hest88

Actually, almost all of the ''family'' holiday (Tgiving/Xmas/Easter) gatherings I''ve attended where I''ve been a guest (not an actual family member) but have consisted of mainly other people''s family, have had one family being the host and providing most of the food.

However, I''m sorry MC, but I didn''t connect this thread to your other one about gals excluding you from the gift-giving. I''m not sure, in this case, why you are even hosting them at all. Not only do you treat you horribly, but it''s worse if you''re hosting and they''re *still* treating you horrible.

If you''re hosting this year, this is a perfect opportunity for you to lay down the law. If they don''t RSVP I''d just leave a message saying you''re not expecting them at all. And if they do RSVP then you should just request they bring a specific dish.

I just went back to re-read my first post to make sure I had correctly stated - some do bring food and others don''t so that goes partically in line with Swingirl''s comment that, "example is set by older generations," and some have chosen not to follow that.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 3:43:39 PM
Author: tlh
When they are living on their own... ie no longer with their parents, they (man or woman) should bring something w/them-- sort of a household sort of thing...

Helping in the kitchen, imho starts around 13. Then you get the moodies, and want them away from you, until they are out of HS. Then it picks up again at 18 or 19 I''d expect help... and in my household it didn''t judge you by the nether-regions. Both the boys AND the girls were expected to help clean. (Usually a pass is given to ONE of the parents if they have small children...) Ie, I''ll wash - you dry kind of thing.

interesting topic...

My boys already ask and they''re much younger than 13. They love to stir things. . .but their attention span is a bit short. lol They''ll mix the cookie dough then run off to play.

 

[swingirl]

Bottom line, those "ladies" in your family sound like spoiled brats. I don''t think there is much you do about them if their own parents failed at bringing up considerate polite people.

 

[Snicklefritz]

Even though I''m 25, I''m still considered a "kid" until I''m married. The married "adults" in the family do a Christmas hat draw and pick one or two "kids" that they buy $15 presents for. I won''t feel pressure to bring a food dish until I''m an "adult". But even then, no one will care if I don''t. I have an enormous family that loves to cook, and we usually have too much food anyway. I have brought dishes to Christmas and Thanksgiving in the past, and I always like to contribute when I can, though.

 

[Haven]

After reading the varied responses, I think the expectations really depend on the type of party that you''re hosting.

DH and I host a lot of parties and dinners throughout the year. For family holiday gatherings, we always make it very clear that they are potluck meals. For everything else, we make it clear that we are hosting the party and therefore we provide everything from soup to nuts.

MC--You can set up the expectation that this is a potluck, and if they don''t comply, I just wouldn''t host in the future. As someone who *loves* to entertain, I knjow that it can be very difficult to put a party together for people you''re not really interested in hosting.

Good luck. I think you''re very kind to open your home to these people.

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/16/2009 3:49:26 PM
Author: MC

Date: 12/16/2009 3:43:39 PM
Author: tlh
When they are living on their own... ie no longer with their parents, they (man or woman) should bring something w/them-- sort of a household sort of thing...

Helping in the kitchen, imho starts around 13. Then you get the moodies, and want them away from you, until they are out of HS. Then it picks up again at 18 or 19 I''d expect help... and in my household it didn''t judge you by the nether-regions. Both the boys AND the girls were expected to help clean. (Usually a pass is given to ONE of the parents if they have small children...) Ie, I''ll wash - you dry kind of thing.

interesting topic...

My boys already ask and they''re much younger than 13. They love to stir things. . .but their attention span is a bit short. lol They''ll mix the cookie dough then run off to play.

Ha! I have no doubt your boys are well behaved and offer help! I just think the attn span gets a little better on the "expectation" level around there-- and gradually increases until about 18-19 when you are adult, (so if you went off to college, you help clean or set the table, or whatever the hostess needs. YOU ASK THE HOST, they shouldn''t HAVE TO ASK YOU!) ugh.

((hugs)) I hope this gathering isn''t too awful for you!

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 12/16/2009 4:19:33 PM
Author: Snicklefritz
Even though I''m 25, I''m still considered a ''kid'' until I''m married. The married ''adults'' in the family do a Christmas hat draw and pick one or two ''kids'' that they buy $15 presents for. I won''t feel pressure to bring a food dish until I''m an ''adult''. But even then, no one will care if I don''t. I have an enormous family that loves to cook, and we usually have too much food anyway. I have brought dishes to Christmas and Thanksgiving in the past, and I always like to contribute when I can, though.

This made me LOL!

 

[iwannaprettyone]

$500.......what are you serving, steak dinners? LOL

 

[yssie]

I started bringing a little something to help out after I started college - just another thing to feel more grown up, maybe

. If we''re travelling we''ll stop along the way for a box of chocolates or something.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:39:54 PM
Author: charbie
this had been kind of hard for me to deal with recently. i always offer to bring something, but DH''s family has their own ''stand-bys'' with everyone bringing basically the same thing every time they get together.


the menu: cinci chili w/ spaghetti, pretzel bread w/ cheese, fruit tray, veggie tray, and then little snackies.


drives me NUTS. i like a little ''variety.'' but they do it for EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY/GET TOGETHER.


since DH never had to bring anything growing up, he doesn''t bring anything now and never will ask what i can bring.


and his grandmother has a small kitchen, so i always feel like a bother if i''m trying to help out in there.

Charbie -- I can kind of relate. My husband''s mom, for some reason, puts pickles and cheese cubes in bowls on the dinner table every single time we''re been at their house. I''m not sure why, and it''s kind of funny. It doesn''t matter what else is served either -- Thanksgiving dinner? Pickles and cheese will be on the side. Shepard''s pie? Same thing. Oh and my husband has never offered to bring something when we go to someone''s house for a get together. I don''t think his family ever expected it, therefore he doesn''t think of asking. It drives me crazy, and I''ve just accepted that I''ll be the one making/buying something when we visit other people''s houses.

MC -- in answer to your question, I agree with the others who said that it seems appropriate when people are living on their own.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:54:12 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 12/16/2009 12:43:13 PM
Author: D&T
set your expectations low and you will never be disappointed

Actually you should ALWAYS have ZERO expectations. That is the secret for serenity.

I think the age where women should be expected to start bringing a dish is once they are on their own. For example if you have a niece living in a college dorm that is a lot to ask. Luckily buying baked goods is an easy solution for the younger or less domestic ladies. Does it really matter if a few of them don't bring something? How important is it. How important will it be a week, month, year from now?

haha, I totally agreee with you Tacori!

I always ask people if I can bring something. Not everyone does that nor was taught to ask so I guess it all depends.

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Date: 12/16/2009 5:23:52 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 12/16/2009 12:54:12 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

Date: 12/16/2009 12:43:13 PM

Author: D&T

set your expectations low and you will never be disappointed

Actually you should ALWAYS have ZERO expectations. That is the secret for serenity.



I think the age where women should be expected to start bringing a dish is once they are on their own. For example if you have a niece living in a college dorm that is a lot to ask. Luckily buying baked goods is an easy solution for the younger or less domestic ladies. Does it really matter if a few of them don''t bring something? How important is it. How important will it be a week, month, year from now?

haha, I totally agreee with you Tacori!


I always ask people if I can bring something. Not everyone does that nor was taught to ask so I guess it all depends.

Ditto. If I know it''s a potluck, I always bring something, even if it''s just dessert or drinks. If it''s unclear, I ask.

 

[Elmorton]

I agree that it depends on the family. Basically, I decided on my own that when I got married, that means I''m officially an adult and bringing stuff. No one expected me to cook in my college apt kitchen. But really, I think the family is usually sortof surprised (still!) when I bring a dish, because on my side, I''m so much younger so I''ll always be a kid to them, and on DH''s side, his siblings are a bit younger, so it''s strange for us to bring something when none of his other sibs do.

MC - I think my ILs were in a similar situation a few years ago. They had the biggest house and are phenomenal cooks, so everyone would just invite themselves. It was a lot of stress on my SMIL, so finally she just said "Sorry, we''re doing a family Xmas this year. If someone else would like to host, I''ll be happy to bring a main dish." Surprise surprise, no one jumped to host it, so it just didn''t happen. I don''t think anyone misses the gathering.

 

[butterfly 17]

I think it depends on whether or not they are working, living at home, etc. When we are hosting a party, we never expect anyone to bring anything or help out. We always provide all the food, beverages, entertainment, etc.

It would be nice, I guess, but honestly, sometimes I prefer to just do the cleaning up and cooking myself as I like things a certain way and some people wind up making a huge mess in the kitchen and put stuff back in the wrong spot.

My mother offered to make something once, so she prepared it at home but fried it in my kitchen. Of course, there was oil splattered everywhere by the time she was done and she poured too much oil into the pan at first and tried to pour it back into the bottle and managed to spill it all over the floor, cabinets, and stove. It was messy to clean up and we kept sliding around the kitchen. I also had these huge oil stains on my cabinets and cabinet sidings because the oil really soaked in.
So, after that, I just decided I really did not want anyone in the kitchen (cooking that is) if I could avoid it as it seems more work for me.

Only once did we have a potluck party and that was okay bc it was a summer work party so it was posted around the lounge for over a month with a list of what people would bring. Everyone brought something and it was perfect.

Which brings me to another question... At what age should one expect to bring a separate gift when invited to a wedding/baby shower/bridal shower? If you invite your aunt jenny who has an 18 and a 21 year old, should they be expected to bring their own gifts or should the aunt''s gift cover them?

Like, if the person is 20, a college graduate, but living at home, should that person be expected to bring their own gift seperately or should their parents gift include theirs as well?

These are questions that make me go hmmmmmm....

 

[kenny]

I think if you bring a food dish it should not be aged at all.

The food should be fresh.

 

[monarch64]

Butterfly, I totally understand what you''re saying about not letting other cooks in your kitchen anymore! SO prepped a dish at his house for my family''s Thxgiving dinner, and then tried to finish it at my house (also involved frying). I had told him that my kitchen is not conducive to actual cooking and having things turn out well but he tried anyway...needless to say my apt. was filled with smoke and his dish was ruined. Electric burners are no good for frying. Yeesh.

On the shower gifts--I think if you have several invitees living under one roof, two of whom are not necessarily able or willing to go out and purchase their own gifts, it''s ok for them to contribute to a joint gift. Perhaps they could go in on a larger item from the registry, i.e. stroller or car seat, or they could add on to something moderately priced like a baby bathtub by purchasing towels or whatever other accoutrements go with the larger item? In any case I don''t think it''s really ok for the 18/21 y/o''s to let their aunt cover them if they also received separate invites.