At what age should one bring a holiday food dish?

[MichelleCarmen]

What I am wondering is at what age should it be expected that ladies in the family bring holiday food for the celebration? At age 20, 25, or older? I was bringing a food dish at age 20, but we have some who are older arriving without anything OR helping in the kitchen (when I call them, they do not answer the phone and I don''t have their email). Plus, not to mention, they do not bring a gift for the boys. (They just do the female exchange as I have mentioned where they exclude me.)

Am I expecting too much?

 

[D&T]

set your expectations low and you will never be disappointed as I have learned from DH

(except apparently only in my own family I have high expectations

)You know it really depends on some people no matter the age, they just don't seem to get it

. We have family members that are publically conscious of others and there are some that I just want to wack on the head

 

[radiantquest]

I always felt that once you live on your own you should offer to bring a dish.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:43:37 PM
Author: radiantquest
I always felt that once you live on your own you should offer to bring a dish.

Yeah, I''d say this is a good "rule of thumb".

I''m 21, and I definitely know to bring a dish to a gathering. But it''s probably not the average 21-year old thing to do ..

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:43:13 PM
Author: D&T
set your expectations low and you will never be disappointed

Actually you should ALWAYS have ZERO expectations. That is the secret for serenity.

I think the age where women should be expected to start bringing a dish is once they are on their own. For example if you have a niece living in a college dorm that is a lot to ask. Luckily buying baked goods is an easy solution for the younger or less domestic ladies. Does it really matter if a few of them don''t bring something? How important is it. How important will it be a week, month, year from now?

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:37:40 PM
Author:MC
What I am wondering is at what age should it be expected that ladies in the family bring holiday food for the celebration?

I''m wondering why its just the "ladies" that labor under this expectation. For Thanksgiving I asked DH to make a dish to bring to his parents & I made one as well.

And at *my* family''s gatherings we divide up the meals as "couples" and each couple prepares one night''s grub. If the dude member was kicking back in the living room while his lady was cooking up a storm it would be quite a sight! DAGGER EYES all around!

I think members of both sexes go through an oblivious time when they don''t realize other people are making all the food out of *obligation* rather than joy. And once you figure out that you''re a slacker you just start pitching in.

 

[katamari]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:49:51 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 12/16/2009 12:43:37 PM

Author: radiantquest

I always felt that once you live on your own you should offer to bring a dish.

Yeah, I''d say this is a good ''rule of thumb''.


I''m 21, and I definitely know to bring a dish to a gathering. But it''s probably not the average 21-year old thing to do ..

I would probably add post-college/working full time if you live on your own and are female. At least in my families, most men wouldn''t think to bring a dish unless their partner suggested it.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:37:40 PM
Author:MC
What I am wondering is at what age should it be expected that ladies in the family bring holiday food for the celebration? At age 20, 25, or older? I was bringing a food dish at age 20, but we have some who are older arriving without anything OR helping in the kitchen (when I call them, they do not answer the phone and I don''t have their email). Plus, not to mention, they do not bring a gift for the boys. (They just do the female exchange as I have mentioned where they exclude me.)

Am I expecting too much?

Yes and no.

It is polite to not go to a party empty handed. Even if you cannot cook, you should show up with something (wine, dessert, a gift for the hostess, etc.)

But it should not be expected when you are hosting a party unless it''s something like a potluck in which case it is really weird to show up empty handed.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:54:12 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring

Actually you should ALWAYS have ZERO expectations. That is the secret for serenity.

I think the age where women should be expected to start bringing a dish is once they are on their own. For example if you have a niece living in a college dorm that is a lot to ask. Luckily buying baked goods is an easy solution for the younger or less domestic ladies. Does it really matter if a few of them don''t bring something? How important is it. How important will it be a week, month, year from now?

Yeah, I guess it shouldn''t be important except them not bringing food means more cooking/expenses for me Just bringing a pie reduces helps out tremendously. We are on a budget right now and serving a group of peole adds up quickly.

Okay, new mantra is: "zero expectations, zero expectations." I''ll write it on my hand in sharpy on Christmas Eve

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:43:37 PM
Author: radiantquest
I always felt that once you live on your own you should offer to bring a dish.

I agree.

I think it also depends on the family''s expectations in general.

In my own family, everyone always calls the hostess and asks what they can bring, and then they show up to the celebration early to help prep everything, and always with more than the hostess asked them to bring.

In DH''s family, nobody asks what they can bring, and they all show up a bit late and empty-handed.

In addition, after the meal the women in my family practically fight to get into the kitchen to help clean up, and DH''s entire family just sits back and watches the hostess clean everything herself.

And they usually turn on a television, as well.

Now that I know what I''m dealing with, I always ask each of DH''s family members to bring something small when I call them on the phone to invite them to the event if we''re doing a potluck sort of meal. Of course, they all resisted and ended up bringing items that didn''t contribute to the meal at all to our Chanukah celebration this past Sunday, but at least they brought *something*.

DH and I are only two people, and when we host a holiday for his family it''s for well over 20 adults, so I don''t feel bad asking for people to bring soda or sides.

 

[Shoopy]

Haven-Same for us but other way around. When FI''s family has a party, everyone brings a dish--even if just a salad and they call each other to agree on what everyone is bringing.

My family does nothing. My mom used to host Thanksgiving Dinner for about 20 of my dad''s family members and she would have to take care of cooking 2 turkeys, 2 hams, and all of the sides. They wouldn''t even bother to bring alcohol but would expect my mother to have available (even though she does not drink). She doesn''t host anymore.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Well, if it''s that group that does the female exchange, I wouldn''t expend a minute''s energy worrying about them OR their continuing and varied social faux pas. In my opinion, you already know all you need to know about their social graces, and you can stop looking for justification or further examples to bolster that uncomfortable yet correct conclusion.

 

[Hest88]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:43:37 PM
Author: radiantquest
I always felt that once you live on your own you should offer to bring a dish.

Ditto, ditto. Plus, that applies to men as well as women. However, there''s a huge difference as well between expectations for a hosted party (where you might bring wine or some sort of hostess gift) vs. something where it''s clear it''s more like a potluck. If the latter, then it should be clear in the invitation process.

 

[Liane]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:54:30 PM
Author: decodelighted

I''m wondering why its just the ''ladies'' that labor under this expectation.

Glad you said it so I didn''t have to.

Anyway, I think the cutoff is "the age at which you''re a sufficiently good cook that you won''t cause the other guests to spend the rest of the party bowing to the porcelain god." If you can make something tasty at 15, then it''s 15. If you''re 50 and exterminators are raiding your garbage to use your leftovers as rat poison, bring a bottle of wine.

It''s basic good manners to arrive at a dinner party with something, but very often people don''t and hosts should be prepared. If it''s a financial burden to do everything yourself, don''t invite freeloaders or rotate seasonal parties so someone else takes a turn at hosting next year.

And, to be fair, I''ve been to many parties where the hosts preferred that people not bring anything, but those were generally catered affairs. When it''s all home cooking, I''ve never met anyone who wasn''t glad to be able to spread the work.

 

[Haven]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:58:23 PM
Author: MC

Date: 12/16/2009 12:54:12 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Actually you should ALWAYS have ZERO expectations. That is the secret for serenity.

I think the age where women should be expected to start bringing a dish is once they are on their own. For example if you have a niece living in a college dorm that is a lot to ask. Luckily buying baked goods is an easy solution for the younger or less domestic ladies. Does it really matter if a few of them don''t bring something? How important is it. How important will it be a week, month, year from now?

Yeah, I guess it shouldn''t be important except them not bringing food means more cooking/expenses for me Just bringing a pie reduces helps out tremendously. We are on a budget right now and serving a group of peole adds up quickly.

Okay, new mantra is: ''zero expectations, zero expectations.'' I''ll write it on my hand in sharpy on Christmas Eve

I completely agree with you, MC.

We always ask DH''s cousins (who have a gaggle of teenage boys, so each eats enough for two and a half people) to bring soda. His one cousin has three sons, and always invites the oldest son''s girlfriend to events (they''re only 17, I find this inappropriate), so they would show up empty handed with six big eaters if I didn''t ask.

My favorite things to delegate out are soda, because we don''t drink it ourselves so I find it to be a disgusting waste of money, and desserts, because that''s an easy thing for anyone to pick up somewhere.

I''ve gotten better about preparing meals that are delicious yet not too expensive. Our Chanukah meal is traditionall a chicken dish, so I had some fun with it this year and made pulled BBQ chicken sandwiches and an amazing black bean soup with a side of corn salad, and of course, over 100 latkes. We fed 25 people for less than $100, and that was with making everything from scratch. I had family members bring the soda, corn bread, homemade apple sauce for the latkes, and pies for dessert. If we had to buy all of that too it would have doubled our budget, which just isn''t right. (Especially since we host far more than our share of holidays.)

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:06:52 PM
Author: Liane

Date: 12/16/2009 12:54:30 PM
Author: decodelighted

I''m wondering why its just the ''ladies'' that labor under this expectation.

Glad you said it so I didn''t have to.

Anyway, I think the cutoff is ''the age at which you''re a sufficiently good cook that you won''t cause the other guests to spend the rest of the party bowing to the porcelain god.'' If you can make something tasty at 15, then it''s 15. If you''re 50 and exterminators are raiding your garbage to use your leftovers as rat poison, bring a bottle of wine.

It''s basic good manners to arrive at a dinner party with something, but very often people don''t and hosts should be prepared. If it''s a financial burden to do everything yourself, don''t invite freeloaders or rotate seasonal parties so someone else takes a turn at hosting next year.

And, to be fair, I''ve been to many parties where the hosts preferred that people not bring anything, but those were generally catered affairs. When it''s all home cooking, I''ve never met anyone who wasn''t glad to be able to spread the work.

Yep, I know about the "ladies" expectations. The one guy who cooked divorced and moved out of state. Now, the only guy who brings anything brings alcohol (which trust me, is much appreciated by dh & me!

)

Our standard format is a potluck. . .

 

[Haven]

Oh, and I definitely agree that my expectations are very different for a hosted event than for a potluck type of event.

 

[mayachel]

In general I agree that anyone living on their own should bring "something". However, as someone who is pushing 29, and is a city resident so no car, when we travel to holiday events with family it involves a subway to a train or a plane...which makes it difficult to bring dishes even if it is only 1-2hrs of travel.

The past two years, we were specifically asked to bring a dish, and really couldn't. It was hard enough to leave the city on time from work, make connecting trains and get upstate. This year, we were even more directly "asked" and made it happen...but let me tell you, it was not so easy juggling both luggage and food that couldn't be refrigerated.

Plus, when I was 21, I didn't really have tupperware or travel friendly pottage...which meant hauling my corningware.

ETA: We always arrived with a bottle of wine and or chocolates in the past...but were asked to provide a side.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Expectations are premeditated resentments. 0% expectations, 100% hope. Seriously, try it.

Is this an event you are hosting?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:20:01 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Expectations are premeditated resentments. 0% expectations, 100% hope. Seriously, try it.

Is this an event you are hosting?

Yes, I''m hosting.

Okay, I''ll work hard on adjusting my attitude and expectations.

 

[Shoopy]

MC-don''t feel guilty though for feeling this way. I think its rude not to bring a dish but that''s just the way life goes sometimes.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/16/2009 12:37:40 PM
Author:MC
What I am wondering is at what age should it be expected that ladies in the family bring holiday food for the celebration? At age 20, 25, or older? I was bringing a food dish at age 20, but we have some who are older arriving without anything OR helping in the kitchen (when I call them, they do not answer the phone and I don''t have their email). Plus, not to mention, they do not bring a gift for the boys. (They just do the female exchange as I have mentioned where they exclude me.)

Am I expecting too much?

Let me get this straight . . .

You have family that expects to come over and celebrate with you, but won''t bring anything to eat, won''t gift the children (even though others do), and they deliberately leave you out of the gift exchange?

I have two thoughts here. 1) My family IS normal by comparison; thank God, and 2) you should uninvite them to future get-togethers.

And, if this is happening to you at someone else''s home, uninvite yourself next year. Life''s too short for other people''s drama. Do something else at Christmas that will bring you and your boys joy.

 

[charbie]

this had been kind of hard for me to deal with recently. i always offer to bring something, but DH''s family has their own "stand-bys" with everyone bringing basically the same thing every time they get together.

the menu: cinci chili w/ spaghetti, pretzel bread w/ cheese, fruit tray, veggie tray, and then little snackies.

drives me NUTS. i like a little "variety." but they do it for EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY/GET TOGETHER.

since DH never had to bring anything growing up, he doesn''t bring anything now and never will ask what i can bring.

and his grandmother has a small kitchen, so i always feel like a bother if i''m trying to help out in there.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:39:54 PM
Author: charbie
this had been kind of hard for me to deal with recently. i always offer to bring something, but DH''s family has their own ''stand-bys'' with everyone bringing basically the same thing every time they get together.

the menu: cinci chili w/ spaghetti, pretzel bread w/ cheese, fruit tray, veggie tray, and then little snackies.

drives me NUTS. i like a little ''variety.'' but they do it for EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY/GET TOGETHER.

since DH never had to bring anything growing up, he doesn''t bring anything now and never will ask what i can bring.

and his grandmother has a small kitchen, so i always feel like a bother if i''m trying to help out in there.

Can you just bring a dish this year and designate it your "stand-by?" Don''t even say anything, but rather set the dish down next to everyone elses as if that is your contribution to be added to the list?

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:30:40 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 12/16/2009 12:37:40 PM

Author:MC

What I am wondering is at what age should it be expected that ladies in the family bring holiday food for the celebration? At age 20, 25, or older? I was bringing a food dish at age 20, but we have some who are older arriving without anything OR helping in the kitchen (when I call them, they do not answer the phone and I don''t have their email). Plus, not to mention, they do not bring a gift for the boys. (They just do the female exchange as I have mentioned where they exclude me.)


Am I expecting too much?

Let me get this straight . . .


You have family that expects to come over and celebrate with you, but won''t bring anything to eat, won''t gift the children (even though others do), and they deliberately leave you out of the gift exchange?


I have two thoughts here. 1) My family IS normal by comparison; thank God, and 2) you should uninvite them to future get-togethers.


And, if this is happening to you at someone else''s home, uninvite yourself next year. Life''s too short for other people''s drama. Do something else at Christmas that will bring you and your boys joy.

Word.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Not to be harsh but I think the host should provide the food/drink to a party or at least to expect to rely on others. Most of us are on stricter budget these days but it was your choice to host a party. That being said my mom taught me never to show up empty handed. I hope your relatives surprise you. Does it say potluck on the invite? Worse comes to worse there is just a little less food.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:51:48 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Not to be harsh but I think the host should provide the food/drink to a party or at least to expect to rely on others. Most of us are on stricter budget these days but it was your choice to host a party. That being said my mom taught me never to show up empty handed. I hope your relatives surprise you. Does it say potluck on the invite? Worse comes to worse there is just a little less food.

A Christmas family gathering is different than a general "party." A holiday is about sharing and celebrating together, not about having one family shell out $500 to feed/beveragize everyone. Since when was it a tradition for just one couple to do all the work?

And there were NO invites: it wasn't about me saying, "I'll do it." It was along the lines of e-mails saying, "when should we show up?"

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:59:30 PM
Author: MC

Date: 12/16/2009 1:51:48 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
Not to be harsh but I think the host should provide the food/drink to a party or at least to expect to rely on others. Most of us are on stricter budget these days but it was your choice to host a party. That being said my mom taught me never to show up empty handed. I hope your relatives surprise you. Does it say potluck on the invite? Worse comes to worse there is just a little less food.

A Christmas family gathering is different than a general ''party.'' A holiday is about sharing and celebrating together, not about having one family shell out $500 to feed/beveragize everyone. Since when was it a tradition for just one couple to do all the work?

And there were NO invites: it wasn''t about me saying, ''I''ll do it.'' It was along the lines of e-mails saying, ''when should we show up?''

In the course of these emails, did you bring up who should bring what?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/16/2009 2:01:15 PM
Author: fiery

Date: 12/16/2009 1:59:30 PM
Author: MC

A Christmas family gathering is different than a general ''party.'' A holiday is about sharing and celebrating together, not about having one family shell out $500 to feed/beveragize everyone. Since when was it a tradition for just one couple to do all the work?

And there were NO invites: it wasn''t about me saying, ''I''ll do it.'' It was along the lines of e-mails saying, ''when should we show up?''

In the course of these emails, did you bring up who should bring what?

Yes, but I''ve only gotten two responses. My husband left voice mails for the others but they do not return calls and still don''t bring anything.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 12/16/2009 1:59:30 PM
Author: MC
A Christmas family gathering is different than a general ''party.'' A holiday is about sharing and celebrating together, not about having one family shell out $500 to feed/beveragize everyone. Since when was it a tradition for just one couple to do all the work?

And there were NO invites: it wasn''t about me saying, ''I''ll do it.'' It was along the lines of e-mails saying, ''when should we show up?''

Old habits die hard. But they can die. They just need to be bludgeoned to death with some sharp elbows and maybe a shovel or two.

There''s really two choices: Shut up & deal with the status quo. Or be proactive BEFOREHAND no matter whose feathers get ruffled or whose sense of entitlement gets tweaked. Maybe its too late for this year. But next year when those "when do we show up" emails come either group email everyone DECLINING the expectation to host & throwing it out to the crowd to decide where ELSE they are meeting up -- OR -- ASSIGN people things to bring in a similar group email. ASSIGNING and/or ASKING is different than "expecting" ... blindly hoping folks will "do the right thing" while fully knowing that they never do.

You''ve kind of passively accepted this nightmare when you DO NOT HAVE TO. Maybe its more uncomfortable to say NO than it is to muddle through as always ... but it seems like maybe you''re tired of muddling through. Tired enough to do the dirty work FIRST? N-O. No! No thanks! Not this year. Not EVER!