At the risk of being a Hangout Hog....

[jadesilver]

Hi Yenny, I’m sorry you’re feeling worried about this big change but it’s awesome that your husband has this really great offer!

I think that some of the fears in your first post seem unwarranted - I’m certain that your husband would be able to get another job in the event that this doesn’t work out, so really no fears of bankruptcy just from him taking this job.

It sounds like the main problem would be him being away from family and you being alone - hopefully getting an empty nester or help would work out for you!

Maybe you can go down the list of your worries and cross off those that are extremely unlikely like being bankrupt, or list solutions/backup plans to each worry, so you can then cross them out as well.

Ultimately, I think maybe it would be helpful to remember that you can always back out at any time! If you really can’t handle it and you’re at breaking point, your husband will always be able to work something out and find another job at home. It might be inconvenient but 100% possible and it sounds like he cares very much about you and your needs.

I think it will be a pity for him to miss time with family, but it sounds like he’s made his decision and it’s really wonderful that you have told him that you support him fully. There are probably Facebook groups for families where one parent commutes - it’s extremely difficult, I can tell, but they may have strategies for keeping in touch, visiting etc. and just general support for when you’re feeling down and missing your husband.

I think that moving could be a real possibility, even if the 100k is cut into by moving expenses and rent. Many people move with kids. It sounds like the best way for your husband to work at a job he wants to but still have his family with him, of course, I don’t know the exact employment offer but maybe it could be something you could discuss with your husband. You can always move back in the event that something happens to your parents. Don’t worry about that until it actually happens!! The what-ifs and maybes are too much to add when there are already lots of things to consider

I really hope you’ll feel much better about your husband’s decision - I am ecstatic for him because it sounds perfect for him except for the moving part. Don’t worry about him not being able to be home more when the sales team is established - again, that’s in the future, you have at least 50% chance (a lowest estimate) of that happening, and it’s very likely he is able to be home more if not work from home full time, so deal with it when that actually happens. Decide to move then if you must - so many options!

Sending big hugs for the change!

 

[yennyfire]

@kipari @Matata @jadesilver

Thanks for chiming in. We are trying to talk although we are doing our usual "divide and conquer" with the kids, which makes quiet, uninterrupted time difficult. You've all made good points and have given us lots to ponder. My gut tells me to go for it (despite my brain telling me to be terrified). If it's a disaster in a year, DH will just have to start looking for another job I guess.

 

[ringo865]

Everyone has give such thoughtful suggestions. You guys will figure outbreak whatever best for your family.

But you do really need to clue him in on your mental health situation. He cannot be supportive or understanding of you if he doesn't know what you are going through--caused because you aren't being honest and telling him about something this important. (((Hugs))))

 

[yennyfire]

Everyone has give such thoughtful suggestions. You guys will figure outbreak whatever best for your family.

But you do really need to clue him in on your mental health situation. He cannot be supportive or understanding of you if he doesn't know what you are going through--caused because you aren't being honest and telling him about something this important. (((Hugs))))

Fair point!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

YF--please let us know how things turn out. Just curious, did you talk your kids about this new opportunity and how they might feel about a move or having Dad away a lot?

I am rooting for you & yours happiness and success!

cheers--Sharon

 

[LLJsmom]

Hi Yenny, this is a big decision. Not sure where you are in it. You said your husband already gave notice? If he takes a job at a start up, even if it doesn’t work out for the full two years, it will
Help him build contacts in the start up community. He may even get offers before the two years are up. I️ do understand the challenges with being in your 50s. My DH also experienced some ageism when job hunting a year ago. But i think that can be overcome when he builds more relationships and contacts in the industry, which will inevitably occur as he takes on the role of VP of sales. You said that hie will have his position in his current company for another 2 years. And i think you said that he has 2 years of guaranteed salary at the start up. So then you can’t really be worse off. And honestly up and coming companies and job opportunities reside in the start up community. The old stable established companies are really an illusion of the past, IMHO. Any company can downsize and sell or layoff at the drop of a hat. So waiting to try to get a job in those kinds of companies will be just as big a challenge. I think this job will go give your husband new energy and motivation in his career, as long as he goes into it without the expectation that it will be long term and being flexible with any changes. That’s just how the new world works.

With that Being said, that is only his part of this move. I agree with the others who said you need to share with your DH about your anxiety and worries. You need to give him the chance to support and help you. It’s not fair to anyone that you and dealing with this on your own. And as to how that may or may not affect your DH taking the new job, only you two can work that out together, a joint decision so You both feel equally respected. For the long term health and welfare of you, your DH and your entire family you need to share with him. Hugs Yenny. You can do it.

I didn’t even mention the impact on the family, your kids. I️ really think that your mental and emotional well being Takes priority. If you are more at peace and coping with the situation, that is the best outcome for your children, and your husband, regardless of which coast you are on.

 

[t-c]

I haven’t read all the responses (I’m a little jet-lagged), but I’ll give you my perspective as a child of someone who was only home during the weekends because of work.

Starting when I was 12 to when I was almost 18, my dad’s work as a co sultans sent him all over the country on long-term assignments. He flew home on weekends (this was before frequent flyer miles were the rage).

My mother essentially became a single parent while also working full-time. I don’t know how hard it was for her, but she made sure my dad being away didn’t affect us adversely (we were a family that ate dinner together, debating politics to physics at the table — my friends were amused (and thought we were weird) when they ate with us). But then we were pretty independent kids and were no trouble: straight As, she knew all our friends who were also straight As, no drugs, etc...

I think, to make it easier on her, she gave us a lot more freedom, trusting our judgment not to get into trouble, than if my dad were home full time. (The one friction when my dad was finally home was him trying to impose stricter “discipline”. He eventually relented — or I left for uni so I didn’t have to deal with it )

I think if your kids are level-headed, somewhat independent, and not prone to get into trouble, they’ll be able to handle a parent not being physically present. It’s a lot easier now with near constant communication.

As for your husband’s job offer, I think it’s a great opportunity and I encourage you to go for it. You don’t need to think of it as a permanent situation. After two years you can evaluate how you, as a family and as individuals, are doing. After 2 years you may have enough money and stock that you can get out and still benefit from the IPO (maybe ask for accelerated vesting for stock and options in the contract).

As for relocating the entire company, I never recommend immediately moving specially when a start-up is involved. It’s something that can be reevaluated as well.

 

[yennyfire]

@canuk-gal @LLJsmom @t-c

Sorry, Sunday's are crazy busy for us and I just got home after being out of the house since 9am! Ugh.

Sharon, we did not talk to the kids. Honestly, they are pretty used to DH traveling at lot, so that won't be anything new. They don't love it, but they are used to it. If it were to become necessary to move, we would discuss it with them.

LLJsMom, no we haven't made the decision yet. Still hashing it out, but your feedback is appreciated, and, as always, makes a lot of sense. I guess being an "established" company is no guarantee these days, huh? I also guess that early/,mid-50s isn't "old" like it was 10-15 years ago. I told DH how stressed and anxious I'm feeling (and that I've started seeing a counselor) and he was very supportive. Now, does that mean that he will start grocery shopping and cooking, NOPE, but he did ask me this afternoon what he could do to help me, so that's a start! Truthfully, just voicing my anxiety was helpful! Part of being a typical type A perfectionist is feeling like any "weakness" is a bad thing is not sharing any negative feelings. However, any time I've done so has been cathartic. I'll keep you posted as to a decision (and whether or not the company BOD approves his contract as it was submitted).

t-c, your perspective was helpful, thank you. Both of our kids are good kids, do well academically (for the most part) and are rule following, people pleasers who don't get into trouble (though they are only ages 11 and 13). I think that they'd be OK with Dad away, as long as they could speak to him via Facetime every night. The bottom line is that anything is "un-doable", right?

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

How's thing JennyFire???

cheers--Sharon